Feelings in Hong Kong

Relaxing trip on the whole. Taking things easy i guess. Have not been shopping much coz nothing much has caught my fancy except 3 pairs of limited edition adidas shoes. And i guess its kinda crazy to buy all 3 pairs back. So, will spend some more time thinking about what to do, whether to buy or not.
He's here. For all the lack of confidence in him turning up or not turning up, i guess he's here. But, the feeling is different. We really act like a couple here and i'm not only talking about it being in the bedroom. But, i guess, something is different. I don't feel exceptionally special. Rather, i feel like i'm being used. Somehow, it feels that way. Like, why are you so nice to me? However, you lie to me. And why would you do something like that? And also, how come you can't be like that to me in SIngpapore. Is there someone else? And how come you tell me you are gg to Shanghai, and in actuality, you are not. ANd also, if you are not, how come you choose not to spend more time with me. And then complain when i say i want to go party with my cousins instead. I mean, i just want to spend some time with my cousins. And i know you want to spend time, but can't we do so in Singapore. Is it only possible to do so in a far away land? And if so, what are you trying to hide in Singapore? A girlfriend? A wife? Or maybe this is really a holiday fling. And if it is, then i would rather not move so close to you. Coz i will only be hurt at the end of the day. That much i know. I know that should i carry on this game with you, i will slap myself in the face eventually.
Anyway, Maybe i just seriously don't understand men. Let alone this mysterious man. Alright, will update more soon. Brain too dead to carry on. Need to nap a while before heading out to party a little.. Talk about double standards. You leave me alone in the hotel room at 9 plus, and say i play you out when i want to go party at 2. If you had spent time with me at 9 till 2, we would have gotten lots done. I should just stay off men. Shit.. till next time

When is it ever enough?

On the first day of my holiday. I guess its been a fun experience. I arrived at the airport to find my aunt waiting for me, and then later, we waited for my cousin together. As we were heading back, we met up with my granny and it was a series of just sitting around and having coffee. It was nice to be around family considering how crazy my family is right now. And I guess I really enjoy having a decent conversation just like friends although these people are family. Amazingly however, its kinda sad coz I see them being so close and they genuinely care for each other and such. And yet, here I have a family who doesn’t seem to treasure the times that we have together. And I guess its largely because of this that of late, I have been on a hunt to reunite myself with family although my parents do nothing about it.
Went online after reaching cousin’s place. And as usual, I cleared my email and logged on to msn. A conversation with a particular someone proceeded as such…
Me: yoz
A: yoz le ge tau
Me: what does le ge tau mean?
A: your head in Cantonese
Me: why u like that say?
A: kidding
Me: how was your day?
A: When is you leaving?
Me: Don’t understand your question..
A: When you leaving for HK? Thur?
Me: I’m in HK already
A: There is a computer at your place in HK?
Me: Why you think I stay on the mountains ar?
A: Why you so fierce?
Me: No lah, just a funny question to ask mah
A: Make your font bigger..
Me: Wah lao eh, why you keep complaining about my fonts?
A: Cannot see lah
à proceeds to change font size fr size 10 to 14
Me: Is it better
A: Change your font to arial
Me: Why you forever complaining?
A: Ask you do small thing already cannot, how to ask you to do big things?
Me: What you mean by that?
A: Would you rather I didn’t understand what you were saying>
Me: Nothing pleases you. First you complain about font size, then type, then color, then heading.
A: Small thing also you want to make a point.
Me: The pot calling the kettle black
A: Ok stop. Case close.
Me: What you mean by that? If you make a reasonable request, I would give in.
A: in any relationship, there must always be giving and taking
Me: You feel that I don’t give in to you often enough?
A: its not about giving in. But about ask you do small thing you already complain, then how to ask you do big thing
Me: I refuse to be drawn into this discussion.
Me: Is there something that’s bugging you, how come no matter what I do, you are not happy.
A: Don’t you think you are also very demanding?
Me: hello? Where in this conversation have I been demanding?
A: Forget it. Case close. No point talking about it
Me: yeah, but you are still not happy.
A: I’m not complaining. Just feel that you should learn to give and take.
Me: Well, if that is what you feel, then theres nothing I can do about it. You are the one person that I put in the most effort for. Forget it.
Me: Anyway, I gtg. Bb
A: bb

When is enough ever enough? Is there really something inherently wrong with me or is it that this man will never be satisfied? And if he is never satisfied, is there really a point in trying? After all, he doesn’t see any of my efforts. At the first instance of me rejecting a suggestion or opinion of him, he just feels that I don’t give in and all. What’s all this about live and let be. Or rather, what’s all this about letting nature take its course? You are obviously trying to change me. And we are not even a couple. You are merely a friend to me.. At most someone that I will eventually bed. So stop asking so much from me. It only pushes me further away. And I guess at the end of the day, it ain’t really a bad thing.

Smokers build good rapport coz they dun shoot their mouths off

Now i was having a chat with a friend after going through coach training today. And we once again chanced upon an interesting concept. And that is, sometimes in our eagerness to save the world or rather the people in the world and share with them our grand plan or points of views, we tend to complicate matters. What do i really mean by that? Well, sometimes, doesn't it make sense to merely keep our mouths shut? I really wonder what i gain or people in general gain when they shoot their mouth off to a comment that was totally uncalled for only to regret it later or worse still, spend their time making up for it. Wouldn't it have made more sense to just stop and think about things before we blurt it out?
Now, i was having coffee with this friend when i came up with the above mentioned header. Smokers in general think before they speak. I mean when they are puffing and exhaling, they think of the question or the statement made, before they go on to reply in a well structured and thought out response. After all, all we needed was that extra 5 seconds to come up with a decent response and not shoot our mouths off. So therefore, if we can just adopt the smoker's mentality, and just pause for a tad longer then normal, we would save ourselves lots of arguements and silly confrontations and not jump at each other's throats.
I was also sharing with a friend that the language we use in our every day life is really important. It dictates how we do things and also our belief systems. If i say something like i can't do so and so thing, then i guess i pretty much tell myself that since i can't do it, no point even doing it. After all, since i can't why try even in the first place. If i tell myself i will get it right later, then even if i cannot get it right now, later when i have time to rethink my strategies, i will get it right. So, i guess, choice of words are important here. Alright, this post is leading no where, and since i have to log off before my brother returns, that's all the intelligent shit you get out of me today.

Looking forward to the holidays

For all the things that have gone wrong and can go wrong, it has materialized. I remember murphy's law once. What can go wrong, will go wrong. And don't try to make anything idiotproof coz idiots are ingenious people. So interesting. Anyway, for all the shitty planning and lack of money, it dawned on me that i was going away in less then 48 hours and i'm really looking forward to it. Yes, it might be a budget trip, might not have much shopping money or such, but at the end of the day, it feels good to get out of Singapore and head somewhere else.
There is a part of me that is extremely happy as i know that this trip signifies many new things for me. Coming back, i'll be officially jobless and would start on jobs that have no fixed pay and only project based or commission based. Coming back, i start coaching the kids camps and spending my time on more worthwhile things. Going away signifies a change i guess. A change of all bad things ending and only more good things to come.
Don't ask me why i feel this way. But each time i go away, i feel like that. Maybe its my own way of running away from all the unpleasant things and when i come back, with a brand new perspective, things will be different. Then again, its just a perspective. And only i can change my perspective. But, somehow, it feels good. (Not the broke part) But the part that it really is so easy to please the human brain. And therefore, i guess, i'm only looking forward to going away to spending time with grans, auntie and cousins. It feels good to be away to join another family for a while. Maybe i too am getting too caught up in the never ending cycle here in Singapore.

Fickle minded men

I recently planned a trip with a friend to Hong Kong. Now, you would think that men are creatures who once make up their mind, would do little to change it. Let alone a man who is in position. How terribly wrong can i be. This friend of mine, changed his mind once so often that i guess unless i was bug in his mental process, i would be unable to keep up. Now why did this irritate me? Well, the thing is, i guess its in my character to plan for things. I am not so anal about stuff that i need things to the minute detail, like we must have breakfast at 7.53am so that we can catch the 8.22am bus to go to a certain place. Now, details like this has seldom bothered me. Basically, i just need to know that you are meeting me for dinner and i'll keep my evening free. Or if you are going to meet me for lunch, then i know that i'll not plan to meet anyone for lunch.
Now, the thing about this friend of mine is that like every other man in the world, he is so prone to changing his mind coz he decides to change his schedule every other minute.
First, my friend said that he would want to fly in on the 28. Spend 29 in disneyland and then fly back to singapore on the 30. Of course he said he was unable to confirm, being as commitmentphobic as he was, i let it rest. Then, somewhere at the start of the month, he said he might not be able to go to HKG. Now, any sensible woman at this point of time would go make her own plans. Right? If you are a woman, surely you would not let the intricacies of the men mind stop you from going away. And so i planned to go to Phuket. After all, being jobless and poor, it seemed like a more affordable location to go for a holiday. And so, i checked out the prices, thought, cool. Now i can finally go away on a holiday when lo and behold, my friend meets me and says, hey, why not lets go to HKG. Faint. Wasn't that the initial plan? Except then it was to go to disneyland and now, it seems like we aren't heading there anymore.
Nevermind i thought. It would be nice to go away with a friend since i've been travelling lots on my own over the past few years. And i guess sometimes, its nice to have company around. A friend to chat with at night or even to party with. And when silly men try to pick me up, he can always be my shield. And so, i told this friend, how about you go confirm your ticket first, and i'll book mine. So he said, alright. I'll let you know by the end of the week. And so i played this waiting game with him. Finally, the week came to a close and i sms him. I mean, i needed to know when he was going to go away so that i could plan my silly vacation around his. After all, since i'm the one who is jobless, i didn't really have to worry much about applying for leave and such. His reply to me was 28oct -2 nov. And so happily, i went online to search for an airticket to take me away to the beautiful country. And alas, as it was already the 21 oct, there were no more tickets for a 28th flight. And so i thought to myself, lets see if there is a ticket on the 27. And my my, what good fortune. There were in fact many flights for the 27. And so i booked the ticket and planned to return on the 2nd.
This is an incredibly long trip to HKG. And i guess every time i return to HKG, it seems like i'm plagued with men problems. Maybe i should stop going back for a while. Anyway, after the flight has been booked, my friend messages me and says he's gg on the 29th and coming back on the first. Frankly, i would like to know which airline company he's flying with. If they let all their customers change their mind as often as this friend, i would be wondering why they even allow people to reserve seats in the first place. Why not just everyone turn up at the airport at a time and date that suited them and fly off. Now i was pissed with my airline company. Flying Cathay. Apparently unlike the airline that my friend is flying off in, i cannot change the date of my flight. Or maybe i can, its just that i'm not loaded enough to change my dates as and when i like. After all, i did dump my money into hotel booking and air ticket over to HKG. Now if you think that was bad, i haven't even ended my story yet. Bear with me. I am basically just irritated and i need an outlet for frustration.
Now, frankly, that didn't sound so bad. I mean from the 29 to the 1st, thats like 3 and 1/2 days maybe. And i guess maybe i was happy and excited. Now my trip didn't seem and feel really long. After all, if you've been to HKG as many times as me. It ain't that interesting anymore. Especially since i am currently broke and therefore cannot afford to shop like crazy. Doesn't help that i don't have a credit card no more and everything i have i have basically spent it on hotel and air ticket. But i guess 3 1/2 days of company sounded really good. Then my friend says he is only spending 2 days there as he has decided to fly off to some other country after that. Amazing how tolerant his airline company is. Wish i had booked my flight with that same airline company then maybe it isn't too late to fly off to beijing to join my dad. And so after repeated questionings and confirmations, i asked if it was alright to book the hotel on the 29th, 30th and 31st. And of course, being a nice friend, he says, just book two nights. That way, we don't waste money. Interesting how i forgot to mention this friend of mine is thoughtful as well.
So after searching for a hotel of his choice, location of his choice and getting rejected coz they were fully booked, we were finally offered another hotel, similar location and price. And so, once again, i messaged him and asked if he was alright with it and whether he was sure that we were going to stay 2 nights. And once again, being the ever so eager friend, he said, yes. We're staying for two nights.
Fast forward the weekend away, finally monday morning. Saw him on MSN, and i asked if he received my message. And of course because we have a terrific telecommunication system here in Singapore, he did receive my message. As with all stories, it wouldn't have mattered if it ended here. But no, my interesting friend had another surprise for me. He messaged me this morning to say that he was flying in on the 29th and flying off on the 30th. Now at this point of time, i swear i am so damn curious about which airline he is flying by that i would have rolled my head off to find out. Then again, maybe his father owns the airlines or maybe he has a private jet. If that is the case, maybe i should get him to pay for hotel. Maybe he might own some chain of hotel in HKG. Anyway, this was when i lost it. Being nice and thoughtful, he said this, we'll go to ocean park on the 29th and the go party at night. Then i fly off on the 30th afternoon. Interesting. Did i forget to mention that ocean park closes at 6.30pm and by the time we check in to the hotel, it will probably be 3pm. Not to mention he has an errand to run before meeting me after he comes into town at ard lunch time. Of then again, i guess maybe since he is a privileged customer with the airlines, he could probably own ocean park or know of someone who owns ocean park and therefore keep the doors open. Either that or ocean park is so small that he figures 2 hours is the maximum time i need there. Opps. I'm sorry, maybe i forgot to enlighten this friend of mine that in all the times i've been to HKG, i have not stepped into ocean park before and would like to take all the rides there are there. And my idea of going to a place is not like stepping in and coming out and declaring to the world.. Oh my, guess where i went on my trip. I went to ocean park. And the place was beautiful and big and it had many rides. Pictures of that place? How about you log on to www.oceanpark.com. Now wouldn't that be interesting?
You know i seldom lose my cool with people. I'm generally rather forgiving especially to friends. But tell me, how would you react in my shoes. And frankly, is being a little pissed off acceptable. Of course, being a philosophical friend, he said, well, i'm doing my best to spend time with you. And its not the length of the time but rather the quality of it. Frankly speaking, i don't have to fly off to HKG to experience my friend and enjoy his company as a friend. I can do just fine in Singapore. And with friends like that, who needs enemies. Right? Anyway, i told him to put himself in my shoes and he said he did. And that was why he did his best to make arrangements. With the way things are working out before the trip, i should have stuck to my initial plan to go phuket with a friend. I guess thats what they mean when they say choices have consequences. And this is my choice of a friend and this is my choice of thinking it would be nice to have a friend to holiday with.
Now i know why over the past few years, i always choose to travel alone. It seems like i seldom learn my lesson. Either that or i always like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I always think that this time round, this particular friend would be different. I've been places with so many people before. Almost as often as being around on my own. There was the friend that despite both of us being poor, had to stay in a 5 start hotel. There was the friend that wouldn't leave the hotel room. There was the friend that whined about everything and anything over the whole trip. There was the friend that could not walk coz walking was crazy and everywhere we went, we had to take a cab. There was te friend that flew off together with me and back with me and basically, that was it. There was the friend that told me to take a hike from the hotel room so he could bed some prostitute. And the list goes on. This trip fills me up with dread. And the best part was that with most of these friends, it didn't even happen till we got to the country.
Most of the time, they seemed cool before we leave and then when we get there, Mr Hyde appears. I've seen the Mr Hyde in this friend. Should i still go? I can just imagine the amount of money i will bring to loyal chinese newspaper readers. Girl murdered by Mr Hyde. Ha... my imagination precedes me.
Anyway, i've basically given up on this friend. I told him to do whatever he wants. Told him that the room is under my name and when he reaches and is wants to check in, the key would be with the concierge. And that i would not wait for him to appear because my general experience of him is that he is not very reliable. As with all men. God, i wish you can somehow introduce a man into my life to change my flawed perspective of men. Anyway, he said just not to disappoint me, he will do just so. Ha. So typical. Men are not only fickle, they are childish and vindictive. And thus i rest my case as to why i think i should generally just go and date some woman. Would i be really surprised if he calls me on the morning of the 29th and told me he wasn't even going to turn up or maybe he has changed his airticket for zimbaawee, i guess not. Right now, i guess his air ticket is to never never land. And frankly, it really doesn't matter any more.
Some girlfriend told me this. If it is the price to pay to see the dark side of a person, it is money well spent. Damn, i should have gone phuket and krabi diving with my friend. At least a few hundred metre underwater, i really can't be bothered if you decide that you wanted to turn off your oxygen coz you weren't happy with how the oxygen tasted. Or at least while you were in the boat heading out at sea, you couldn't possibly say i don't want to go out to sea diving. The driver will ask you to swim back to shore. And frankly, i would probably only muster up these two words of sympathy. Good luck.
Alright. Enough of frustration venting for the night. I've made up my mind to make my trip enjoyable. Notice i said my trip. I guess at the end of the day, its my choice how i choose to be. Happy or disturbed by an inconsequential friend? Ain't too hard a choice.....

Price for everything

Let me start with my original post before i digress to something else. The topic of today is a price for everything. I guess this is why i came up with this topic. Not so long ago, or many moons ago, i was curious about this topic of prostitution. Now, why would i be curious about this topic? I'm not too certain myself. But anyway, when i was in uni, i did a research on this topic for sociology and i did write a damn good report on it. Got an A for my essay. And to add on to it, i did manage to meet many gorgeous and not so gorgeous woman who shared with me why they were into prostitution.
Now, many of these woman were poor, far away from home or basically just looking for a way to make money. Now, do i think it's wrong? Well, i don't think so. I spoke to this woman once, and she shared with me her experience. Her story is as such. She came from a single parent family. When she was 14, she had to leave school to take care of her ailing mother and retarded brother who needed extra care and medical costs for them were crazy. So she took to working at the night club to earn a fast buck. Sure she could earn some money working at macdonalds or starbucks, but working at a night club, she got more in tips alone for a month. Now, what was the price she had to pay for this? She had to endure with the man gropping at her, pretend to enjoy the company of the men she was with, and for extras, she got more. But she kept to her principle of not sleeping with any of this men. She wanted to save her virginity for her husband to be. She didn't mind being molested coz she needed the money. But, she refused to sleep with any men, although they offered time and again.
One day, her retarded brother fell ill and was admitted to the hospital. She had to take a few days off work to take care of him as the ailing mother was unable to attend to the brother in hospital. Sure the nurses and doctors were helpful. But they could not pay the bills. She applied to the government and asked for a subsidy, but no one really bothered. After all, she was a strong woman who could find ways to somehow pay the bills. If not, then she would just be broke, or worse still, her brother would receive no attention. Now, she was a rather plain looking girl, but being in the trade for long, she knew how to doll herself up and therefore could fetch a rather good price in the market. Also, people in the trade and men who had been with her knew that she had never slept with anyone before and therefore made her even more attractive then she really seemed. When the men around her heard her sob story, they all offered her cash. But with a price. It seemed like an auction at a marketplace when men started offering her more and more money to sleep with them.
This girl, desperate and alone, began to question why she held on to her belief of wanting to save her virginity for the man she would one day love. But driven by desperation, she soon caved. She gave in to this man who treated her right and gave her the promise of not just wanting to sleep with her but wanting to give her more in life. Provide for her mother and brother and help her find a job to get out of the trade. He declared to her that he loved her. She caved, they slept, and when she woke the next money, she found a cheque of $1000 by the bedside.
She was devastated. However, she learnt one important lesson that day. Promises were only words and that they didn't mean anything. After the first man, she never stopped. She carried on sleeping with men as long as they paid her the right amount of money.
What was the whole point of this simple and sad tale? I have come to agree with this woman i interviewed 5 years back that everything has a price. You can have the most pride in the world, but at the end of the day, its still about dollars and cents. If u were poor and begging on the streets and i offered u a million dollars just to sleep with you, would you do it? Or would you rather die of hunger on the streets? Isn't this interesting that at the end of the day, everything has a price?
Well, why did i bring up this tale and in what relation does it have to do with my life? Well, the fact is that i think i did something silly. For some time now i have been rather attracted to this man. Rather would generally be denoted as an understatement. However, i cannot figure out what is it about this man that attracted me. I cannot tell if it is lust i feel for him, or genuine love and affection. And thus, to eliminate one of the above, i asked to sleep with him. He outrightly refused me! Most recently, he acceded to my request but on his terms and conditions. I agreed but paid heavily for it. Nope, i did not pay him money to sleep with him. I paid more then just money.
Let me give you this example. If you were jobless and rather poor, with about 3000 left till you earned some good solid money, would you splurge 2500 on something that you might like? Now, i guess this question is rhetoric. After all, everyone has a different perspective about things. But i know i wouldn't. And yet, i did. Now as i think about it, i begin to feel silly. So does it mean that this guy has a price attached to him, well not in the literal sense. But that was the price i had to pay. Now would you think me silly? I guess so. I am rather surprised at myself and i guess if i could kick myself in the ass i would do it.
Linking back to my past postings, i guess i have a choice in everything that i do in life. Here, i made this one lousy choice, i can either feel real bad about it or make it the best i can. And i guess since i'm all spent, i might as well pay my dues and get my rewards. If i don't get my rewards, then i just take it as a lesson learnt. Yes. It might be a painful lesson, monetary and emotionally, however, remember that tomorrow is a new day. I guess you could take it as a lousy investment that failed. After all, the stock market crashes every once in a while. Not all investments make you money, not all funds are safe and most of all, not everything can be measured in monetary sense. Right?

When tomorrow comes

Went retail therapy once again. Actually this is getting kinda excessive and ridiculous. I mean how can one person go for retail therapy so many times in a space of one month. Its costing considerable amounts of money and for a jobless person, CRAZY. It's funny how a particular person's reaction or rather lack of reactions can cause such an adverse reaction out of me. ITs tough to verbalize exactly how i feel. The fact was that i felt like i had received positive feedback from this 1 person. But then again, it might have been wishful thinking on my part. But i guess the question that lingers in my mind is that why agree to something and then change your mind? And doesn't changing your mind warrant you to at least share that change with me? I dropped him an sms finally after him refusing to reply my sms or even call. Or even appearing on msn. Sighz. And that was that even if we didn't sleep together, we would still be friends.
Funny how one course of action or single act has relegated him to the status of the common man. He's no longer someone i feel is totally genuine and real. And that again, is a matter of perspective. At the end of the day, i feel that he is a honey tongued man, sweet lips, and charming man. And yet, like every species of his kind, runs away or a avoid at the first sign of uncertainty. How then could he be above the pack? And aren't we good enough friends to warrant some truths? I know no one wants to know the truth.. But rather then avoid, i would have chosen to tell the truth. But then again, that's me. And How far can a friendship go without truths? And then, if it didn't mean anything in the first place, am i being to naive to even believe his words? And maybe the friendship doesn't really matter in the first place.
I've come to realize that being hurt, upset and disappointed is part and parcel of any relationship and friendship. Whether it is a platonic friend, a lover, a fuck budyy, or anything of the above. It will eventually hurt if you give the person an opportunity to hurt you. More often then not, its when you feel that this time round it's gg to be different that you give the person the power and authority to hurt you. I'll be lying if i said i wasn't hurt by his actions. And yet, it's controllable hurt coz i know the stakes when i offered to play the game. I choose my own responses just like life is a matter of calculated risks.
Tomorrow when i wake, i have a new choice all over again. I have a choice of how to react to this incident. Do we go on as friends or do i not? I mean, we do meet each other at social gatherings, and i guss i can make that choice right not. We'll carry on being friends. That's what.
Today i shared with a friend a concept. The past is the past. It's only important to draw valuable lessons. However, it's the present that is important. And if we let the past paralyse us, then we are no different from a dead person. THe present is all that matters really. The present leads us one step closer to the future of our dreams. Doesn't matter if we make the right choice or wrong choice. The right choice brings us one step closer. The wrong choice, tomorrow when we wake, we have the choice of turning things around and making new choices to bring us back closer to the goal or dream we have in view. With that in mind, it really doesn't matter that things didn't turn out the way it was meant to coz tomorrow is a brand new day! For that, i'm happier.
Things never were so tough when we were younger coz everyday was a brand new day. For that i'm thankful too. Thankful that tomorrow brings new opportunities and therefore i will be thankful when i wake in the morning coz some people don't even get tomorrows, RIGHT? Cheers

Concepts and idealism

A friend spent the night talking to me the other day. And it was an interesting talk as i guess many people in life are idealistic. In an idealistic world, i would be in control all the time. Control of my time, my actions, the way i want things to turn out and basically how i want it to turn out. In an idealistic world, i would be earning big bucks, spending time doing charity work with children and spending a lot of time reading. And i guess since i am earning big bucks, i would not have to worry about the lack of money. However, it does seem that we're not living in an idealistic society. Yes. The truth is that we are in control of every aspect of our lives. In a certain fashion, and yet, there are lots of things that are beyond our control.
Met another friend on Monday and had a great talk to her. It felt good coz there were so many things to talk about, so many plans to make. The last time we made such comments was when i was 18. Time flies. She mentioned that i have changed. Changed in that i was now a lot happier. A reflection of how i was when i was 18. And yet, she knew that i had been hardened by a loss. And therefore, i would always be doing my best to not let any one enter my safe haven. Is she right? I guess.
Then, someone made this comment last night. Sometimes, when a person has the power to hurt you, its only because you give them that power. Or rather i gave them that power. So can i revert back that situation and make it seem like i don't need or want the person to hurt me, i guess i can. And yet, sometimes its harder then it seems. And yet, sometimes, you know for a fact that its just a matter of walking away.
I came up with this concept a couple of days back. That i make the choices and everyday is a brand new choice. And if we were to truly live in the present where the past does not matter and the future holds nothing, then basically, everyday of our lives can be idealistic. I mean think about this, if at this present moment, among the choices i have, i make the best use of my choices, haven't i already made the best of the world that i have? Interesting to me...
Anyway, people walk in and out of my life at such a rapid rate that sometimes i wonder what is it about people. I guess to a certain extent, maybe otheres are feeling the same about me. But there's nothing that i choose to do about it. I have also in time to come, notice that if i look at the positive intention behind every action, and how i can positively choose to react, then i will naturally become happier. Happiness btw is a concept. And therefore, how you want to define this concept is simply based on yoursself. Alright. Enough of this philosophical bullshit for one day. Till i write again...

One door closes another opens

A spate of events evenloped my life lately. Somehow, i feel that the events are going way too fast for my liking. I wish i had some say as to how fast or how slow i want things to happen. But, i guess is not a given entity. Anyway, why this topic? One door closes another opens? I guess its a matter of perception at the end of the day. Many things happen around us all the time. And the best people are not those that plan their life meticulously. But rather, those that are the most adaptable and flexible. A classic example is how the dinosaurs died.
Anyway, i'm damn glad that the people around me have been damn supportive. Last night i was just having this talk with this gal. She's extremely bothered about stuff. About how come people do not like her and people will not go out of their way to do things for her. She asked me how come with me, people tend to forgive me of my shortcomings and not for her. I seriously have no credible answer to give her. What can i say? I guess at the end of the day, its about diplomacy and playing the game the way it was meant to be played. And i shared that some times, although most of us don't like to play the game of life, we don't really have a choice in it at all. The choice is to make it to the top of the game and then you get to change the rules as and when you like.
Somehow, i don't think she was sold on the idea. I know i offered my help and advice to her as and when she needs it. But of course, i can finally see the problem. Although the rest have shared their experience of her with me, i have never taken it seriously. But i guess i know what the root of this problem is. She asks for opinions and she asks for feedback but seldom acts on them as she is too stuck in her own ideas. Until and unless she learns, nothing will change.
Well, back to me. Over the past few years, i've learnt valuable lessons, yet not acted on them. And i went into this constant cycle of going back to the drawing board ever so often that at this point of time, i seriously am panicking. I'm no longer the girl of 18 with all the time in the world. I want and need to make something for myself. And for that to happen, i must draw on all the lessons of my life that i've learnt. And make the best of my life. I'm not sure when the door will open or if it has already opened. I only know that i will DWIT and get it done.

Life and its cycle

Funny how it always takes something major to happen to jolt people out of their comfort zone and give people a wake up call. Obviously i'm not any different from the rest of the world. Or rather, majority of the world.
For a rather long time, i guess i've been feeling really emotional and needy. I'm not sure how to put it, but some time now, i always needed someone to be ard for me. There was a time when i needed a man to be around me to give me emotional support. And then i turned to older friends to be there for me to give me advice and knowledge. However, there was a part of me that longed for the kind of independence i had way before i met Guardian. Before i met Guardian, i was a lovable person still, just that i was never needy. And i guess that was the me i was looking for. i remember girl saying once that she missed the person that she knew all through sec. school. The very xiao1 sa3 person, the person who could literally pick it up and put it down. ( translated)
Well, i guess in some ways, the person is back. Somehow, i've learnt again to be more genuine to people without needing people to constantly reassure me and let me know that i was lovable. Somehow, i guess, now, i just know it, like i used to know it. Funny isn't it?
Anyway, i had a talk with Tour Guide recently. For all the things that we have talked about, i somehow feel like we are going around in circles. I guess it has to do with the fact that he has made up his mind about certain things and certain issues. If you think i'm stubborn, you should talk to this fellow man. We had a great talk incidentally and i guess albeit the fact that i really like him to a certain extent and i guess i would like to sleep with him, he will never be ready to sleep with me as he views sleeping with me as a commitment. Oh well, i've decided to drop the matter and just let it rest. He already knows what i want, and when he wants it, he'll come knocking. If i'm still interested then, then good. If not, then no lost anyway.
Yee ha.. thats the person i know about.. Ha.. guess that's why people loved me so much when i was younger.. I was so emotionally independent and sufficient that if people didn't like me, it was their lost.
I met Miss Tham last night actually. She wanted to know what had happened and she wanted to clear the air between us. I guess its just that she doesn't know me well enough to know that it really doesn't bug me and bother me. I do lots of self reflection most of the time. And i guess i don't really blame anyone for what has happened. Shit happens all the time. And therefore, if i cannot deal with it and i spend time brooding about it, i eventually lose out. coz time and tide waits for no man. she explained, i told her it was alright. She offered to keep a look out for me for a job. I said alright. And i left to watch a movie with my darling!
Anyway, met another person of interest today. He is Superman's friend. Nice fellow, a little too emotional, and a rather needy. Guess that's how it works for people who are rather introverted. Whatever the case, i think he's nice.
Met another person today. He's really been in and out of my life a lot. Not Guardian. Somehow, i love the fact that Oli and i have a connection. We both know that between us, we'll always remain as friends, and maybe fuck buddies, or lovers. But i guess somehow, he can sense that i've been kinda down and he just wants to be around for me.
You know, i guess i ain't all that bad after all. I mean, here are all these people that have shared a portion of my life with me before, and i know they all want to help. Or they just want to be around to give me support, and in their own simple ways, they've all helped. I don't need the reassuarance from them, and yet when they give, i know that i matter to them.
Oh yeah, forgot to add, to top off the list, i've once again reverted back to the role of aunt agony for some people in my life. I guess somehow, i feel most useful when i can help people and they appreciate me for that.
To go back to Tour Guide, i guess maybe i just lust for him. Or maybe i really do like him. Whatever the case, contrary to what he believes in, i know that emotions is not something we can control. And yet, we are both matured adults after all. And by default, i've also come to know that sometimes, a relationship, be it friendship, being a fuck buddy, lover or gf/bf doesn't work out. And as adults, its coz we have the capacity to reason and judge and therefore be able to walk away and not feel sore about it. It's a delusion that we have a friendship to begin with. We are only friends with each other coz i find him attractive. I guess maybe with all friendships, it begins this way. But surely, if i take him out of my life right now, i'll live. Then again, maybe so much has happened that i've also began to view things differently.
Surely i have. For i know now that i do have choices in life. And i can make things happen. But at the end of the day, someone told me this once. Choose your battles wisely. You don't have to fight every single battle. He's not one battle that i want to fight. Maybe coz i really feel like i don't have the strenght and energy to fight it. Or maybe its just that he doesn't interest me that much to begin with. If a person cannot see past himself, why would i want to put myself through that agony? I spent 9 years of my life reassuring one man in my life. I refuse to spend the next few years, reassuring another man. After all, i'm only young once and i deserve so much more...

Its not the same anymore

When we were kids.. we would say to our friends, lets be Friends Forever and sometimes, we don't really mean it, not because we are unkind or mean but we were too young to really understand the meaning of being someone's friend and being there for that person. As we grow older, we begin to understand the meaning of the two words, its not as simple as they sound or they use to be. Its about supporting someone mentally, emotionally and being there each time they need someone to talk to. I found that over the years, there are a few people in my life that I truly call friends and there are some people that i know i can count on when I am feeling like a piece of shit or when the shit hits the fan.
I have a friend whom I know for 13 years, we use to be really really close, we will talk on the phone everyday and we will update each other on the slightest and newest news / gossip. As we grew older, Keeping in touch proved to be difficult but I made all possible efforts. We remained close. To a certain point, I felt that it was I who was maintaining the friendship and keeping the communications between the two of us. Last night, I thought of something not quite pleasant and I realised that the old me would run to the phone and call my friend. Instead, I found myself not wanting to go near the phone. It became really apparent that 'its just not the same anymore'. Its sad... But people grow and people change...
Then I thought of the other close friend I have in my life and I realised that even not meeting them for weeks does not change the fact that we are still there for each other. Some of my closest friends are not even in the same country as I am ! For that, I am really thankful, for that, I wish that our friendship will grow stronger with each year.
Then i thought of another friend. Someone i met in the recent history and i realised that the dynamics were all wrong. How can there be wrong or right in a friendship? Silly me, and yet, i found it hilarious that i went to this friend when i first found out that i was losing my job. Someone i viewed as a close friend, did nothing to make me feel better. Maybe its the difference in gender?
What is it about the people that we meet after we leave school? I tend to think that the best friends we made were those we made as friends from school. Things didn't use to be as complicated, there weren't that many commitments and there weren't that many obstacles in a friendship. I guess ignorance is bliss. Or that was what was meant by it. Over the years, people come and people go. Its stop affecting me as i rationalize it away. Friends are people that walk a particular path with you. And sometimes, at some point, they will just have to walk their own path and i would have to walk mine. And i asked myself this question today. If a friend needs to walk his/her path, then it is their calling. Should i feel sad, i guess maybe. But in the greater scheme of things, its for their best and thats what friends often say to each other.
Had a small gathering this evening with the girls from secondary school. Each has become more successful then when they were in school. Somehow, i cannot stop that question from creeping into my mind. What happened to me?

The realization of one being emotionally unavailable

So much has happened over the past two weeks. I've learnt one lesson at least. That i am currently emotionally unavailable. Where the hell did that come from? Well, i guess i reach back to a part of me that i once knew so well. And i know that i cannot verbalise in words how i feel at this point of time. Isn't it funny just how a simple thing seems so difficult? For someone who is so articulate in English, this is a joke. But, for the life of me, i cannot find the words to express how i feel. And therefore, i have chosen not to share with anyone about how i feel.
Now, something interesting happened today that sparked of a series of thoughts. I left this title topic on my msn and someone identified with that topic. Now, is it my bloody problem that you identified with it? It merely means a person is in a similar state. Somehow when posed with a statement someone made, for one of those rare incidences, i did not even bother to fight it. I know me, most times, i would fight to drive home my point or even seek to understand why a person would even come up with such a statement. Today, i guess i just didn't have it. Have i lost my fighting spirit? Maybe. Or maybe its just that so much has happened recently that i just don't have the energy and willpower to go on fighting.
Superman talked to me just two nights ago, going through again with me just why i would even consider coming back to this company that has asked me to leave although i really put in so much effort. From my memory, this was the first time i ever told him halfway through our conversation that i wanted to put down the phone and i didn't want to talk any longer. Why is that so? I realised then that my defence mechanism has set in.
Since i was young, it has been a habit for me i guess. And that was why i never made it a point to get close to a person or even had that will and desire to allow people into the inner circle of my heart. Sure i had lots of close friends. Friends that just wanted to be ard me and even people who thought i was a sunshine girl coz i was happy all the time. For me, i could merely compartmentalize all my actions from my emotions. And i think that was what made me who i was when i was growing up. And thus, since young, i cannot think of feeling really sad as i've never allowed my emotions to flow through in the first place. That was what kept me safe. It wasn't that i didn't trust people. It was just that i was self sufficient.
Now, years later, i finally realise that i am still that person. It just that for a while, i decided to change who i was coz i thought it was nicer to be emotionally available. But these two weeks have been so trying that i know that when times are back, the original self kicks in.
Today, someone made a statement. He said he knew for sure that i would expect and demand more from him in time to come. Little does he know that i really do want nothing from him. To put it bluntly, i have no time and energy for someone else's insecurities. He reminds me of this guy in college. Now looking back, i guess i was sort of mean to that guy. I told him i have no time to deal with what you feel, think and do. Then again, at that point in my life, i really didn't need anyone around. I had all the things i needed from myself. Either that or i was busy persuing something that i really wanted. Right now, at this juncture, i feel the same way.
It never would have worked out coz i made up my mind that it would never work out. Can i then make up my mind that i don't care? I guess only time will tell. And maybe in the greater scheme of things, not caring is merely my defence mechanism kicking in when it senses impending disappointment.

What if?

What if i had put in more effort at school
What if i had carried on doing sports
What if i had never gotten together with James
What if i had ended the relationship when it should
What if i had never committed suicide
What if i had done more in my jobs
What if i had never pissed her off
What if i had never gotten close to her in the first place
What if i had left James when i knew he was wrong for me
What if i had chosen to be with Louis instead
What if i had not worm my emotions on my face
What if i had finished university
What if i had carried on being a teacher
What if i had done well enough to go to law school
What if i had never shoplifted
What if i had never been such a strong headed person wearing a mask
What if i had valued money more
What if i had not given in to my urges and peer pressure
WHat if i had been more responsible in school
What if i had stuck to my guns to pursue the dreams that i had
What if i had been a lot closer and nicer to mum
What if i had given my best to everything that i did
What if i had lived my life like it was the last day of my life
What if i had not let life jaded me and make me cynical
What if i figured out what my baggage is and let it go
What if i had more discipline

What if i knew what i was doing
What if i knew what my calling in life
What if i knew what my destiny held for me
What if i knew how to get across to people and let them see my view
What if i managed to tap into people's mind and see it from their point of view
What if i could empathise with people more
What if i have no restrictions
What if i had no baggage
What if i knew what my baggage is and manage to drop it
What if i was sure about my stuff
What if i was sure about the stuff i was unsure of and did something about it
What if i can change things to my way what would i do
What if i manage to live life to the fullest.. Would there not be this what if list????