Monday, July 23, 2007

What a load of bullshit

I saw him on msn today. And we chatted. It was really just saying hi and one thing led to another and before we knew it, we were talking about us once again. Us included things that have happened in the last couple of months, our feelings for each other. And it was weird. I said i was upset coz it was just recently that he told me he loved me, and suddenly, we are breaking up and what happened to the love. And then he gave me an answer that was probably the bullshit of the century. He said, i love you. And i know i always will. But like a little sister. So i think it's not right to be your boyfriend when i love you like a sister. HUH????
Anyway, i was upset of course. But more pissed then upset. What's this sister bullshit? Anyway, he said he wanted me in his life for the rest of his life, coz he thinks i make the best friend ever. And of course just like the other day when he said i was his best friend. I told him i couldn't be friends for a while, although eventually i might be accepting of it. But for now, i needed him to stay far far away from my life while i readjust and move on.
Over the years, it has been amazing how i've relented and given in time and again. And now, i don't feel like doing so anymore. I'm sick and tired of going through the whole bullshit over and over again. Maybe what TG said before makes perfect sense now. Why fight when you know it's a lost cause?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Another Lost Cause

I never expected it would hurt this much after all these years. But i guess, its like having an old wound opened up once again. And maybe, just maybe that's why it hurts more. We've been through this so many times. And each time, the same thing happen. And i shed a tear not knowing whether its because i think this really is the end. Or because, for a moment i was really into it.
Sigh. I really don't even know what to write any longer. I've played it out a million and one times. And each time, i get to the same stage where i ask myself, why did i choose to walk down that same road once again? I have no answer. Maybe its the fact that human nature is always just so comfortable with the things they are familiar with. And i am no different. I am a creature of habit. Maybe it's good that we talked things out. Better now then another 5 yrs down the line. Better now, then when i am so deep into it that i cannot get out. But it still hurts.
Seems like yesterday only when i cried buckets full when he told me the exact same thing. And yet, now that i look back, its been 6 years already. For all the talk about love and all the promises, they have turned out to be once again too shallow to withstand anything. Were we even an item? Did anything even happened? Even i am confused at this stage.
In the past, i would have demanded to see him, face to face and trash things out. And now, i don't any longer. Coz i know, after all these years, he still hasn't changed. He's still the him i knew 10 years ago. And maybe, i have grown weary of being his pit stop all these years and playing second fiddle to his current flavour of the month. Just once, i want to be valued. And i want to be important.
Oh well, better now then later actually.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

History repeats itself over and over

I guess sometimes, history does repeat itself. I remembered when i was in college, and a friend ask me, hey, why did you pick up history? It is by far the most boring subject ever. I my very intelligent reply then was, history is in fact a very interesting subject. Just a bunch of story reading, remembering some facts, and of course, the part that was interesting was that throughout history, it repeats itself over and over again until someone becomes wise enough to figure out what went wrong, who did it, and how not to allow it to happen all over again.
And sometimes, even when you figure out, what went wrong, who did it, one still allows it to happen all over again. I guess it has something to do with human nature. There is a saying that a leopard never changes its spots. How true. Human nature is a blend of all sorts of characters. Some people are dishonest, some people are cheaters, some people are truly nice and some people will forever be suckers. And the interesting thing is that, human race has survived so long only because there are a variety of people around.
Imagine this, a husband who abuses the wife for the first time, then goes back to her to say i'm sorry, it'll never happen again. And there must be a wife who is silly enough to believe him and take him back only to have the same thing happen a couple of weeks, months or years later.
A guy that cheats on his girlfriend, says the same thing, and a couple of weeks, months, years later is doing the same thing over. And for every person that is the aggressor, there will be a willing victim.
Of course this is merely in a family unit. In society, criminals commit the same crime over and over again, go in and out of prison. And not forgetting the numerous wars that have occurred. Someone is greedy, someone is weak, someone wants more. Sign some treaty, never going to happen again, shit hits the fan once again.
So i guess, history does repeat itself more then once. Question then is, do i want to be the aggressor or the victim?
Stupid question but mostly ending with a stupid answer!

Saturday, July 07, 2007

The thin line between patience and a lost cause




I cannot help but ask myself what is the huge difference. And when do you call it quits versus hanging on for just one more day, one more month, one more year.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

When would your words count

Just like most of the things you have shared, they never count. I'm tired of being the trusting one, who believes everything you say. At times, i don't believe you, but i don't question coz maybe that's just the way i am. I have always been a person who probably place more emphasis on the happiness of my partner. And give you the time and space that you need. But i value honesty above sweet nothings. When you tell me something, i expect it to happen. If not, don't tell me. And yet, once again, your words stood for nothing. This has happened many times with all the men i date. And there is only one conclusion and reason. And that is, that i don't matter. And maybe now i'll be happier knowing for a fact and going my own way.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Dinner with TG

Finally met up with TG after 46days of drought. Hee. Well, it was an interesting night out i would suppose. But, each outing with him is usually interesting. We went to this usual japanese place for dinner. And proceeded to Q Bar for drinks after that. We chatted about a variety of topics. But somehow, we reached the topic of what i thought of him. And i said he wasn't charismatic. But i think we both have different definations of charisma. Anyway, he said something that was really weird. He said he would rather hear nice things then the truth. Kinda funny. Since he's a boss and all, all day long i'm sure his subordinates would be telling him nice things already. Why the need to hear nice things from me again when we are out. I would have placed honesty before lies. Oh well, but thats my stand once again.
So from there, we chat about other things, and i finally asked the question that i've been meaning to ask. About why he is not seeing anyone. As in dating, as in having a serious relationship. And he said he wasn't interested.
You know, sometimes i think men or he thinks i'm stupid. You know, i'm not stupid. (Or so i think) Many a times, i see and know what is going around me, its just that i would rather not bring it up coz i think a conflict will arise out of it. And the day i bring it up, or show my cards, then its coz i'm ready to give it up. I've known TG for 3 years now, and i would admit i'm still very smitten by him. And i've always been very firm about love. Maybe coz it takes quite a bit to move my heart.
I know TG and i would probably never work out. In my exact words, its most probably a lost cause. Although i knew it right from the start, i really wanted to give it a shot. Not because i'm unwilling to believe what others around have told me. But rather, my concept of better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. Now the all important question then would be, at which point do you cut your losses?
It's really quite like handling investments. You have a target and a cut loss benchmark. And if this was really a monetary investment, i think i would be a rather bad investor. Its a good thing i do not carry the same attitude in my investments. Practically, i know i should cut losses now. Its been way overdue. But, somehow, the heart refuses to. But i am glad we had that talk that we had. It has somehow straightened out my thinking.
TG will always view me as a rather superficial friend. Not because he doesn't enjoy my company, but because he doesn't want to open up and share. And because i cannot be of any use to him. That's entirely my point of view. Oh well, life was fine before meeting him, i'm sure i'll be fine with whichever direction i choose to take.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Weird

I have a queer story to tell. Maybe you can say its interesting. Maybe, it was a dream. Maybe, its the truth. But i would never know. In the story, as with all stories, there was a man. And since there was man, there was a woman. And as with any successful story that i've ever heard of, there was love involve. And to up the ante, it was a one sided love story. Now this girl was in love with this man. Or the other way round. But from this, we know that it was obviously a one sided love story.
And so the story went, that this girl, was hoping to go out on a date with this man. And of course, because it was a one sided love story, it didn't happen. And this girl, being a silly girl, really thought that the flimsy excuse that the man gave about having to wake up early and not wanting to stay out late was the whole truth and nothing but the very truth. And coz she was an understanding and accomodating girl, she shrug it off and hid her disappointment. But as usual, this man, fed her a tidbit saying he would call later in the night when he got home so they could talk. This cheered the girl up immediately.
For the whole night, the girl carried her phone with her where ever she went. And she didn't dare to walk away for fear that he would call at any time. And she waited and waited, and finally, she decided that it was late and he wasn't going to call. And in the 15 minutes that she left her phone alone, he called, and when he got no one, he texted her to say that he was going to bed and that he would call again the next day.
And so, when the girl got back and looked at her phone, she was indeed disappointed.
I told this girl after the story was related to me, that sometimes, life plays cruel tricks on you. And maybe its a little of murphy's laws. Or maybe, just maybe, they weren't fated to talk at all.
And so this girl, went on to tell me, that she prayed really hard to GOD that night. She asked GOD to give her a sign. And that if the man called the next day, then she would carry on waiting for him. As with all sad love stories, he never called.
I found this whole episode rather amusing actually. For i remembered a time when i asked GOD to give me a sign about Guardian. And sometimes, we want things to happen so badly, that everything can seem like the sign that you are waiting for. But how would you know that it is exactly the correct sign? And when i asked her what indication it would be, she stated her terms. And the out of the blue, she said, do you think i was being very unreasonable? That it is too difficult? Ha...
If it was meant to be a sign, and it was something really easy, then why ask for it in the first place? And if it was very tough, and it really happened, then there is a greater reason to pause and think about the possibilities. And so, from what i last heard, nothing happened. Not the tough sign, not the easy sign. No sign came. Interesting really. Anyway, this girl was really disappointed as with all one sided love stories. No sign for her, no love for her, and confused and lost at the same time. Feel for her though..

Computer Setup Complete

Finally got my own computer, with internet connection in my room. Now i can stop lugging my laptop back and forth from work back home. I am very pleased with the computer.
Today i went to buy my speakers, webcam, printer/copier/scanner. And i have a flat screen which i always wanted. And of course a decent CPU. One more item off the list. Now i just have to re pack my room coz all these niffy gagets just ate up loads of table space. Have to find place to put my books, bags etc