Greatttttttttttttttttt day

I didn't want my whole 2010 blog to be emo, grouchy and gloomy. So decided to blog about a really great day yesterday. Haha... Close to perfect in fact :-)
Actually, i suppose in comparison to the emo mood i was in last Monday, the days have just gotten better as the days passed. I didn't get a chance to meet him last week, but we at least chatted 2 days. And i gave him an analogy about carrots and horses. So came Saturday morning, i was surprised by the baby carrot.
But hey, the blog is supposed to be about what happened yesterday. So let me get back to it. Haha.. Rambling, rambling, rambling.
The day started out great with a small white rabbit hopping in. So had a small free case. No TC, no hard work required. Deal done in 15 mins. So i'm thinking great... What a way to start the new month. Then off to Main branch to meet 2 clients who were also ready to do some investments. All in all, i closed 3 different people yesterday. Some sort of record for me. But, success at work only makes me moderately happy. Somewhere at 5ish, my phone beeped. And although i was still with my customer i could not help but steal a glance at my phone. Hmmmm.... Guess what, he texted me. Yippie!!!!!!!!
He asked if i was free to meet up. Even not free also must say free la... This is a non planned meeting man. Of course, it was more of a trade coz he said we might meet on Wed if he was free. But this was a confirmed meet rather then a tentative meet so i guess its a good deal. So after i closed my client, i was already in a super duper good mood. And Boss said i could go home after i did another trade of Tcing the rest of the week so i could go off. Haha....
Was going to buy him a cake to help him celebrate his success last week, but was so darn hungry having not eaten all day that i decided i really needed to eat first. I still had enough time to go buy a cake and meet him, but just as i stepped into the house, he texted to say he could meet me earlier and we could even do dinner. Damn.... Had to forgo the dinner coz i just had dinner, had to forgo buying the cake coz he was there already.
So, met him, chatted a little. He's sick with fever. Felt a little sad when i saw him coz he looked real tired and had a headache. Its weird really. Had really weird feelings. Like i was damn glad that we met up, i mean, he completed my close to perfect day. But was sad that he was sick. And he refused to kiss me. And his excuse was that he was sick and didn't want to pass the virus to me. But he did say he loves hugging me. So i guess that's fine... But to counter off the lack of pretty kisses, he gave me a keychain which he said he say and liked and bought for me. But somehow, i get the feeling that it was probably a present from someone else, and he passed it along. Oh well... at least he gave me something. Can't even remember when was the last time i received any gifts from him. Even a simple one....
Probably my bday this year. But even then, the present that he gave me was not something he bought. So, maybe 2008 Christmas? OMG.... That seems damn long ago lah... So all in all, it was a rather good day other then the fact that if he was not sick it would have been perfect. And maybe if i had managed the cake.
Ok i admit. I am a sucker. Small simple gesture... i am swooning... But i suppose in his way, he is trying to dish out the baby carrots.... Kudos to him.
And that.. was my GREAT day. Let's keep fingers and toes crossed for more to come! Yeah!

Sept 27 2010

I am really blogging 'coz i need an outlet and i don't know where to turn to, who to turn to. Its just the same old problems repeating itself over and over again that even i am ashamed to bring it up and share how i feel with my friends.....
He's has the most spectacular weekend. Best showing ever i must say. And i feel like i'm the last person to congratulate him, the last person to even get to say 'well done!' And when i mentioned i wanted to celebrate for him, all i got was monosyllabic answers claiming he was busy. Maybe Uncle Tim was right. He has made his choice and it is obvious. And i choose not to look myself in the eye in the mirror and accept the hard truth. But truth is, i really still care loads about him. But when does it all end?
I remembered at that point i said i would like to see him successful and settled down. But honestly, it never ends does it? Because i constantly find new reasons, new excuses....
From a friend's perspective, shouldn't i just be happy he's doing so well and things are looking up for him? So why do i feel happy and excited for him and at the same time, hope to see him and meet up with him? Is it 'coz i'm actually looking to share his joy with him? If he is happy and doing well, and i don't get to share his joy with him, does it make me less happy? I know it's no difference to him based on his reaction today. I think the hard truth is he doesn't care.... And that hurts... big time.
I really wish i had the strength to walk away from it all. To be cool, collected, to tell him it's alright. To be the bigger person and give him his life back.
I think back to the days and times where i mattered to him. That he would shower me with care, love. That he was excited and shared his life/joy with me. That he would give me little surprises and that when i was down, he would be there to cheer me up. It's all gone and over now.. and still i dun wanna wake up. What is wrong with me? Am i a sucker for pain? Gosh... i am so tired and feel like an idiot.........

Grouchy and emo....

Feeling damn emo and grouchy today. So decided to post a little. The day started well and bright. Was up early despite a late night out. Woke up with more then sufficient time to spare to take my own sweet time to go to work. Reached work before morning meeting, so still considered early. Somehow, the day seemed to go downhill from there.
I really don't know at which part it started to turn. Or maybe it's just my reaction to him.. Or his lack of action, emotions on his part. Ok... I know it really has been a while and i so damn well should have moved on and all.. but i still look forward to seeing him.. And it's been such a routine lately that when it is changed, i get thrown off and uncomfortable.
Honestly i'm damn glad for him. He's been doing so well lately and i wish i could be doing as well as him or even better. Or maybe if i really did focus, i would. But i can't help but want to see him and spend time with him. I wish i was stronger and better then that.. but unfortunately i'm not.
It'll be a lie to say that once i hit club 30s, i'll let go and move on. I can't deal with this any longer. I really don't have the will power and strength to pretend. I can't. I give up. And maybe that is a good thing. Because at some point, i know i'm the sort that has to be so disheartened that i give up. And then, there will be no more looking back.... Sighz..,. i really need to find my life back.. just don't know where to start and where the hell it went... =(

One year on......

Its been 6 months since the last post and one year since the post before the last! N I am blogging off my iPhone.
Can't quite place my finger on things but suddenly had a strong inclination to blog... To juz let my thoughts and feelings run with the words that flow in this post. A little update first on life in general if there is still any followings on this page of mine.. Still in the same job although thoughts of moving to another bank did fritter cross my mind. But despite the fact that I don't quite appreciate my direct boss and she probably doesn't appreciate me too, the decision was to stay n just be focused on why I moved in the first place. Oki my boss hates me! But surely that is not a good reason to jump ship... Or is it?
Work is slowly picking up for me I hope. One year is a long time to adjust to a place and culture. But I've never claimed to be a fast adjuster! Haha... What can I same? SSDD... Same shit different day... The occassional big fish that swims by makes it seem right for a couple of days and we are back to the grind wishing for another fish to swim by... Often it seems like a test of luck rather then serious skill... N I have never been particularly lucky... Other then that, nothing more about work... Colleagues are great.. But then again, I sorta am the sort that could blend in anywhere... So that's that.
On the home front, bro's getting married next month. Real excited an happy for him other then the fact that shopping for a dress is a bitch and I dun really enjoy having to buy another dress that I'll probably only wear once n not wear again.. Wife to be seems nice... N we click... N that helps... Haha... So there will be a new addition to my family soon :-) Daddy's health hasn't been fantastic. Gave me quite a scare when he was warded last week. Things at home have been relatively calm and maybe coz everyone is so engrossed with the wedding preparations! Yay! Cousins and aunties and maybe granny will be in town next month for the wedding. I couldn't be more excited! Really miss them loads! Haven't seen them since 2008! Gosh! It's been ages since I last saw them all. The neices especially... They must be almost 3 now... Wonder if they'll know who the hell I am.... Oh well...
On to the next topic... What else is there? Work, family... Erm personal life I guess... I've sold my life to my job... Kidding... That would never happen. Life is just way too precious... Sometimes... But it's a good distractor and nice colleagues help... Truth be told, I still miss him like hell. I think deep down in the bottom of my heart, I really do still love him and care shit loads about him. I'm still sensitive to his comments and his moods... N nope... It's only one way. Sigh... I know I really ought to get a life and move on, but knowing is one thing, wanting to put what u know into action is another... Like we all know that smoking and drinking is bad for health and we ought so stop but we do it anyway. I remember once I wrote something about secondary effects/pleasure... Maybe this is the reason... Maybe it's just another one of my damn excuses... But I'll live... N it doesn't really change much in the whole schema of things.
He's been doing great! We still hang out as friends once in a while... N i've been keeping track of news of him, and he's really doing great! Am damn proud and happy for him... It would be perfect if he'll glance my way and pick up where we left off, but it's just wishful thinking on my part and will probably not actualise. But hope fuels all mankind and it's nice to dream about it once in a while... Time has healed the pain and hurt but it sure hasn't stopped the longing... Or maybe just maybe I refuse to let it go... So we still go for coffee and pretend we are both cool about being friends and chilling :-) well, if that is all I can have, it's better then nothing right? Or maybe one day I'll just get tired and move on like what happened with Guardian...
So all in all, that sums up the last couple of months... N it's time for bed so I can wake up early for brekkie tomorrow with daddy before work! Looking forward to father-daughter time! NiteZ peeps...

Confessions, apologies....

Its been 6 months since I last blogged. I suppose I didn’t want my entire blog to sound like I was whining and whining because that seems to be mostly what I do. I guess its one of those things that you hope in 20 years time or 50 years time when you are old and haggard, i might still look back at my blog and ponder and be amused about the things that have colored my life. The happy moments that I’ve had, the tears that have been wiped dry, the decisions that I’ve made at that point of my life. Or rather in this point of my life.

A quick update about what has gone on in my life would be that there really hasn’t been much. I don’t see myself as a high flyer when it comes to work. I suppose the lack of discipline and drive could account to why I’m really just an average joe. In my times of reflection, I ask myself how do I see myself? Who am i? Am I that young bubbly girl who would chat non stop to people because I was eager to find out more about what people do, what goes on in their life? Am I that leader whom could influence and lead my peers and who believed that I could help my peers change the system? Am I that best friend that people call, turn to when they are in trouble because they know for a fact that I will lend a listening ear, because I value their friendship? Am I the person who sticks closely to what I believe in, to be ethical, to not harm a fellow human being, to be better then I was yesterday? Am I that young woman whom, when seeing a man beat up a woman, step forward and tell the man to stop despite me being fearful that the man was going to beat me up? But fear would not stop me from doing what was right? Am I that person whom once had hopes and aspirations, who believed I was deemed for greater things in life and believed that slowly but surely, with hard work and dedication, I would make my mark in life, do more for man kind, be the kind of friend my friends are looking for without compromising who I am…. But the real question then is…. Who am I?

The last couple of months have had a huge impact on my life, my way of thinking. To blame it all on the last couple of months would be unfair I guess. I’ve really been reflecting loads and it doesn’t feel good to know that I’ve completely changed. As a person. My beliefs. My ideals. The way I view life as a whole and in general. And the worse thing is, I’ve become someone that I totally dislike and being me repulses me. Does that make sense?

In fact, in the last 6 months, I made a decision, albeit a hasty one, that has eaten me alive. Funny how those who are not in the picture will say the famous 4 words. ‘I told you so.’ But its really too late for any regrets now. It’s eating me alive and maybe I don’t want to deal with it. Or maybe, I really don’t know how to deal with it. Sighz….

In fact, every day since the end of June, I’ve been asking myself Why? My bro says I’ve always been a hasty one. Impulsive. Or maybe just intent on getting things done my way. Is that true? In retrospect, I will have to admit it as the facts speak for itself. The hasty decision to quit uni, the hasty decision to break my bond, the argument with Ashley, the argument that led to me throwing my resignation letter with HSBC. One hasty decision after another. But nothing pains me as much as this last one. Maybe because it’s still new and it’s still raw. And yet, at the bottom of my heart, I know its really because throughout it all, I lost someone that I valued as my best friend.

Maybe the worst thing in life is not the forgiveness that has been given but not acted upon. It’s not being able to forgive yourself despite the reassurances of the person whom you have wronged saying that you are forgiven. Truth be told, a glass one shattered cannot be mended. Each time you look into the mirror, you are reminded by the cracks and the glue that is merely holding the glass together. I once told this friend, that once a white piece of paper has had writings or paintings on it, even if you use correction pen or paint it over white, the paper is tainted. And I suppose it parallels the example of the glass.

I told this friend once two wrongs don’t make a right. And I’m ashamed that I’ve done that wrong. In fact, in the last 3 plus months, I’ve been awashed with guilt. With remorse. I wish there was much more I can do to gain back the trust and friendship that I’ve wrecked. But the sad fact is that unless given a chance, there is nothing I can do if the person chooses to shut me out of his life. Again, I cannot blame him, because if things were reversed and I was in the same situation, I too would be wary and might not be prepared to give even my best friend a second chance. I cannot blame him for his actions, only myself for escalating things to this stage. And it pains me. It hurts me. It’s eating me alive. I’m wrecked by guilt, by remorse. I wish someone can take a magic duster and wipe it all away. I wish I could go back in time and make a different choice. I wish I could have taken the high road instead of the very steps that I took.

When they say life gives you second chances, I really hope they are right. Today if given a chance, I will do everything I can to make things right. To prove my worth as a friend. Whether this friend is worth it or not in the first place should not matter in my decision. Because only then am I being true to myself. If I die tomorrow and realize I have not done everything I could to make peace and make things right, then even if I have done a million more right things in my life, I would have failed terribly as a person.

That day that I did that horrible and wrong act, I not only lost a very close friend, I lost myself. I only wish and pray and hope that GOD will give me a chance to redeem myself. To not only make things right with him, with my friend but also with myself. I know I will treasure that opportunity and make the best decisions I can if given that chance. All I ask….. is for another chance. To glue that mirror back, to be there to tell the person who looks into the mirror that beyond the cracks and glue, therein lies a beautiful person.

Thought of the day: As we age, we tend to place less emphasis on the things that were once important to us. Instead, the things that we take for granted surge in value. Or maybe our priorities were just misguided in the first place......

It's been a while

It's been a while since i've sat down to blog. Then again, it's been a while since i've had any inkling of a feeling whatsoever to blog about anything that has gone on in my life. I suppose one of the reasons for this is because i was currently stuck in a repetitive cycle and there was really nothing new to update. So has that cycle changed?
Well, i suppose to a certain degree there has been one teeny weeny change. So what's new you ask? For once, i have a new job. And am currently sitting in training, supposedly listening to what the trainer is talkinng about without really listening. GOD... class is so boring! And the trainer speaks at an incredibily slow rate. Sigh
But it is a must and i must strive on. Haha
So, what else has been going on? It's over for those who probably have that one question in their mind. And no. I didn't end things. And yes, i am still upset about it. But yes, i will be fine. I will be able to get over things and things will be fine again i'm pretty much sure of it.
Did i wish it hasn't ended? Well, in fact, i'm pretty confused myself. I think of it in the long run and i'm sure it's for the better. It was a relationship that was going no where in the first place. But at the same time, i am finding it a little hard to let go of the relationship on the whole. Call me naive or silly. But i really did think this was for the long haul. Oh well, i'm sure things will get better. And if you get the feeling that i'm just reassuring myself, dun mention it. Coz i am. I doing my best to believe it.
Relationships aside, new work has just started out and i have been trying to learn as much as possible and thinking of new ways to do as much as possible so i can do really well and succeed. In fact, i haven't had that sort of drive for a long time already. Which is a good thing really. It's a nice feeling because i sort of feel that feeling was gone a long time already. =)

Life Is....

MORAL:

Smooth roads never make good drivers
Smooth sea never makes good sailors
Clear Skies never makes good Pilots .

Problem and hassle free Life NEVER makes a strong person
Be Strong enough to accept the challenges of Life
Don't ask Life , 'Why Me ? .
Instead say 'Try Me!'