Spent the day job hunting. Finally resigned. Feeling a little down in the dumps and depressed. Looking for a job isn't very hard. But it's brutally painful. Each ad that i go through, i have to ask myself, am i good enough, can i do this, will they want to hire me. And doesn't help that i don't have very relevant skill sets or a degree. Changing jobs has always been hard on my self esteem. This time round hasn't been easier. I suppose i feel the way i do also coz i'm generally a in ward reflective sort of person. For the whole day, i had to stop myself from asking where i went wrong, what didn't i do right, where i could have improved. What i could do better, how i could manage better etc. And i guess the hardest fact is maybe i just wasn't good enough or that i didn't give it my 100%.
All day i've tried to keep my spirits up. But somehow the word FAIL and the term FAILURE features quite persistently. I tell myself that things aren't that bad. That there is a silver lining to every dark cloud. That things can and will get better. I just need to get my mind to believe it. Honestly the mood swings are pretty drastic and volatile. I hate that i'm this way. And i told myself i will give myself up till Monday to snap out of it. Maybe now, i just want to whine. And be depressive.
Walk walk walk. Hit the wall. Walk walk walk. Hit another wall. I just want to walk. I just want things to work out for me for once. That when i get comfy with something or someone, for the thing to last, for that someone to stay on. Tired!
Showing posts with label Thoughts N Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts N Emotions. Show all posts
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Just another day
Braved the rain to come home last night from office. Was so damn tired after the training, plus so many people that i had to meet, brain was on overdrive. Really just wanted to hit home, shower and sleep. Reached home about 9pm. Was seriously exhausted. I guess other then training, my body was probably telling me that it was exhausted. Not my fault really. I go to bed early, just can't sleep. So toss and turn, toss and turn all night long. Finally, fall asleep, and within a short while, i'm up again. Well, i suppose this is always the case when my mind is in overdrive. Anyway, didn't even have dinner. No wonder i generally lose weight when i train. Lack of appetite. Plus the lack of sleep the last couple of days. Not even sure how the hours pass.
Ok. Anyway, woke up mighty early, wanted to bike out. But it was raining. And judging from my lack of sleep, exhausted body, i figured i wasn't going to brave the rain another time. Too risky. Wanted to see if i could catch a glimpse of someone. But felt that it would only make matters worse. So decided to go back to bed and sleep again. On off on off. Finally woke up about 8am. Felt like i haven't slept a wink the whole nite though. Damn
Today was alright. Met up with Guardian for a while, bought him lunch. His birthday is just round the corner. Seeing him today made me extremely certain about my feelings for him. Nope. Good news people. I honestly still care lots about him, and the level of understanding and comfort is still high. Just that i don't have the overwhelming love for him anymore. This leads us to the next question.
Throughout our lunch together, i kept thinking of someone else. Sigh. And as lunch wore on, i asked myself if i was certain about the thoughts in my mind. Have been thinking about it for a couple of days now. And i think i am. Now i just need to find the opportunity to broach on it.
Only highlight for the day was that we finally did manage to chat a little. Albeit really short conversations, it meant a great deal to me. But then again, i've been very emotional and high strung lately. Anything remotely positive that happens means a hell of a lot. I do tell myself to keep my spirits up. But honestly, all i want to do is collapse in someone's arms and for the person to tell me that things WILL get better.
Ok. Anyway, woke up mighty early, wanted to bike out. But it was raining. And judging from my lack of sleep, exhausted body, i figured i wasn't going to brave the rain another time. Too risky. Wanted to see if i could catch a glimpse of someone. But felt that it would only make matters worse. So decided to go back to bed and sleep again. On off on off. Finally woke up about 8am. Felt like i haven't slept a wink the whole nite though. Damn
Today was alright. Met up with Guardian for a while, bought him lunch. His birthday is just round the corner. Seeing him today made me extremely certain about my feelings for him. Nope. Good news people. I honestly still care lots about him, and the level of understanding and comfort is still high. Just that i don't have the overwhelming love for him anymore. This leads us to the next question.
Throughout our lunch together, i kept thinking of someone else. Sigh. And as lunch wore on, i asked myself if i was certain about the thoughts in my mind. Have been thinking about it for a couple of days now. And i think i am. Now i just need to find the opportunity to broach on it.
Only highlight for the day was that we finally did manage to chat a little. Albeit really short conversations, it meant a great deal to me. But then again, i've been very emotional and high strung lately. Anything remotely positive that happens means a hell of a lot. I do tell myself to keep my spirits up. But honestly, all i want to do is collapse in someone's arms and for the person to tell me that things WILL get better.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
First training in a long while
Haven't done any decent training since Port Dickson which was in July. Faintz!
Shoulder aching like crazy after doing my first decent swim in a long while. Ouch!
Did 300 warm up, 1500 swim, 200 cool down. Only clocked the 1500 swim. Did it in a miserable time of 39min 46s. Which means i've lost 6 minutes from Port Dickson till now. Sighz... Nothing comes easy i guess.
It was a tough session but i'm glad i did it still. Funny how i kept contemplating giving up. At 10 laps, at 15, at 20. I suppose why it was tough was basically i couldn't find the rhythm. Breathing was off. And only started to smooth out by the time i was on my 22 lap. But, only for 4 laps before i started to feel the pain in my elbows and left knee. All in all a pretty lousy session. But i'm sure a couple more long swims will put me back in the game. So game plan is, a couple more long swims before i start doing sets. It's back to basics for me. Now really worried about the long bike ride that agreed to go on. Not sure with no fitness and all whether i will be able to cover 90+km of bike ride. Better start riding seriously this week too. The tyres are soft as it is, bike is dust covered.
Hmm... that leaves the run. Super reluctant to start running. Foot hurts since the last time i went to the gym. Knee hurts from swimming. Generally no inclination to run. Plus, mentally, i haven't gotten past the horrible experience of sundown and PD. 4km was as far as my legs would take me till date.
But i suppose since 70.3 is 5 months away, its about time i started training. grinz
On a random note, he asked that things be over. But somehow, maybe coz i really put in my heart into making us work, it still hurts a big deal. Not a minute go by that i don't wish that we could get back together. That somehow, he can look past whatever is holding him back to see the good that i have to offer. Seriously, all i have ever wanted was to help him and for both of us to grow. But i suppose what i emailed him is true. Better us be apart and him be happy then for us to be together and him be miserable. I suppose i really believed that he would hold my hand for life when he said those words to me. And maybe i really wanted to believe it. Naive? Or just wanting to believe whatever i wanted to believe? I'm not sure too... Maybe i'm the only soul in this world that doesn't let love die overnight? Or maybe it just has been dying and i was too in love to realize it. Oh well, i'm trying hard to be strong and to love myself. Maybe i'm just not cut out to be in a relationship, to be loved? Or maybe, i have a huge character flaw that i really need to work on. Sighz
Shoulder aching like crazy after doing my first decent swim in a long while. Ouch!
Did 300 warm up, 1500 swim, 200 cool down. Only clocked the 1500 swim. Did it in a miserable time of 39min 46s. Which means i've lost 6 minutes from Port Dickson till now. Sighz... Nothing comes easy i guess.
It was a tough session but i'm glad i did it still. Funny how i kept contemplating giving up. At 10 laps, at 15, at 20. I suppose why it was tough was basically i couldn't find the rhythm. Breathing was off. And only started to smooth out by the time i was on my 22 lap. But, only for 4 laps before i started to feel the pain in my elbows and left knee. All in all a pretty lousy session. But i'm sure a couple more long swims will put me back in the game. So game plan is, a couple more long swims before i start doing sets. It's back to basics for me. Now really worried about the long bike ride that agreed to go on. Not sure with no fitness and all whether i will be able to cover 90+km of bike ride. Better start riding seriously this week too. The tyres are soft as it is, bike is dust covered.
Hmm... that leaves the run. Super reluctant to start running. Foot hurts since the last time i went to the gym. Knee hurts from swimming. Generally no inclination to run. Plus, mentally, i haven't gotten past the horrible experience of sundown and PD. 4km was as far as my legs would take me till date.
But i suppose since 70.3 is 5 months away, its about time i started training. grinz
On a random note, he asked that things be over. But somehow, maybe coz i really put in my heart into making us work, it still hurts a big deal. Not a minute go by that i don't wish that we could get back together. That somehow, he can look past whatever is holding him back to see the good that i have to offer. Seriously, all i have ever wanted was to help him and for both of us to grow. But i suppose what i emailed him is true. Better us be apart and him be happy then for us to be together and him be miserable. I suppose i really believed that he would hold my hand for life when he said those words to me. And maybe i really wanted to believe it. Naive? Or just wanting to believe whatever i wanted to believe? I'm not sure too... Maybe i'm the only soul in this world that doesn't let love die overnight? Or maybe it just has been dying and i was too in love to realize it. Oh well, i'm trying hard to be strong and to love myself. Maybe i'm just not cut out to be in a relationship, to be loved? Or maybe, i have a huge character flaw that i really need to work on. Sighz
Haven't blogged in a while
It's been a while since i last blogged. I guess it could be due to a variety of reasons, the key being there was nothing new to blog about. It was the same issues popping up over and over again. Break up, patch back, say want to put in effort work things out, one week later, same problem in a different variation pops up. And i was tired. Didn't have strength to blog. Didn't have the heart to blog.
But it really is over. For good i must say. i don't blame him honestly. Just bad judgement of character on my part. I might miss him, but end of the day, i guess life goes on. There are still a million and one things i have yet to do.. need to get off my ass, stop whining, moaning, doubting myself and carry on! Yeah!
But it really is over. For good i must say. i don't blame him honestly. Just bad judgement of character on my part. I might miss him, but end of the day, i guess life goes on. There are still a million and one things i have yet to do.. need to get off my ass, stop whining, moaning, doubting myself and carry on! Yeah!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
I am tired
I think this sums up all that is going through my mind and my thoughts. My feelings, my emotions. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of trying to make things work. I am tired that i'm constantly wrong while you're always right. I'm tired coz even when it's not my fault, i have to pacify you and please you. Please, i am tired!
Monday, October 13, 2008
The weekend and some feelings
It's been a while since i actually blogged about how i felt. The weekend went by pretty well. Maybe coz it was packed with activities. There was Chris's and Jen's big day that took quite a bit out of everyone. Not so much the actual wedding itself but rather the people that once again flew in from all over to attend the wedding. Lester, Jos, Hansen were all here. Couple of others. And we took as a gathering once again and had a ball of a time. It was great. So we all attended the wedding. My table had Yan Bin, Maurice, Sharon, Josephine, Yuan Hwa, Wen Biao, Guang Wen, Qing Biao and myself. Then other familiar faces were Lawerence and Elaine, Pic and Jamie, Zhang Yang and Kang Kang, Terence and Lorraine, Jovester and wife, laurence, Garfield, Bert, Kevin Yew. Whole lot of familiar faces. It was sure fun catching up and hanging out and chilling. It's been a while since we saw so many people all on the same day. But it was a very beautiful affair at the Fullerton Hotel.
Went out shopping for a while with the people who stayed on. Jos, Lester and Kevin. The rest like Annette and Hansen had left this morning. Then went for dinner at this Philippines restaurant. Which was really hilarious coz Jos said the next time we go to Philippines, she'll bring us for Singapore food. Ha... Dinner was a small group. Maurice, Jos, Jamie, Yan Bin, Lester, Kevin Yew, Denmark Kevin, Pic, myself. Great dinner. Missed those awesome meals we had in Philippines. Yum yum. Then went to do a little shopping. Splurged a little on myself. But i guess it was all worth it. =)
On the romantic front, things between us are going so well. I can sort of feel him pulling away for a while now. And i am actually pretty tired of trying to pull us together and trying to make things work between us. And it hurts me a little to know that he has been chatting up other women online and making rather suggestive statements to them. I guess i ponder about what i am to him and whether he is just seriously bored and sick of our relationship. I guess our whole relationship hasn't been easy. For me more then for him. And at this point of time, i guess the word to sum up how i feel is probably a sense of disappointment. Not sure what else to say about us. Haven't known what to say for the last 2 months. I guess the only reason why we haven't already ended things was because i held on tightly for the both of us. But now with this new turn of events, i cannot help but wonder if the increased suspicion is because there are other women outside that he has to entertain and therefore explain for the decrease in amount of time spent with me. Honestly, i'm tired of always having been the one to hold to relationships that are slipping. Maybe i ought to just let go and give up. =(
Oh well, nothing much more to update other then the fact that i'm growing FAT FAT FAT!
Went out shopping for a while with the people who stayed on. Jos, Lester and Kevin. The rest like Annette and Hansen had left this morning. Then went for dinner at this Philippines restaurant. Which was really hilarious coz Jos said the next time we go to Philippines, she'll bring us for Singapore food. Ha... Dinner was a small group. Maurice, Jos, Jamie, Yan Bin, Lester, Kevin Yew, Denmark Kevin, Pic, myself. Great dinner. Missed those awesome meals we had in Philippines. Yum yum. Then went to do a little shopping. Splurged a little on myself. But i guess it was all worth it. =)
On the romantic front, things between us are going so well. I can sort of feel him pulling away for a while now. And i am actually pretty tired of trying to pull us together and trying to make things work between us. And it hurts me a little to know that he has been chatting up other women online and making rather suggestive statements to them. I guess i ponder about what i am to him and whether he is just seriously bored and sick of our relationship. I guess our whole relationship hasn't been easy. For me more then for him. And at this point of time, i guess the word to sum up how i feel is probably a sense of disappointment. Not sure what else to say about us. Haven't known what to say for the last 2 months. I guess the only reason why we haven't already ended things was because i held on tightly for the both of us. But now with this new turn of events, i cannot help but wonder if the increased suspicion is because there are other women outside that he has to entertain and therefore explain for the decrease in amount of time spent with me. Honestly, i'm tired of always having been the one to hold to relationships that are slipping. Maybe i ought to just let go and give up. =(
Oh well, nothing much more to update other then the fact that i'm growing FAT FAT FAT!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
goodbye is just so tough
It's hard to know how to begin this letter,
I just wish my words would serve me better.
The hardest thing I ever did was let u go,
Because my actions displayed what my heart couldn't show.
I hope you're happy, content and well.
These I long to hear you tell.
But alas, I'll never again hear your voice,
Though not through my own choice.
But maybe it's better this way,
Because what's there left to say
Except for a sad sigh
And one last goodbye.
I cared for you more than you could ever know.
Your such a great person, your truly an amazing.
I regret when we fight, I don't think its right.
When ever I see you hurt the only person I blame is me,
I hate it when you in pain for I love thee.
I wish life wasn't so complicated,
I am tired of us always being hated.
I wish you the best with what ever you chose to do,
I want you to know, no matter what, i will always love you.
Sharing a day with you is quite fun..
to witness the most beautiful sunset with you
will always be a beautiful sunrise in my heart
we may go separate ways
live different lives
you will always be the only one
whom can fill that space in my lonely heart
your sweet melody turns a lovely harmony
that mixes different colors and hues
in my lonesome nights
with a cold blowing air
and bright moon and stars
memories of ours...
I just wish my words would serve me better.
The hardest thing I ever did was let u go,
Because my actions displayed what my heart couldn't show.
I hope you're happy, content and well.
These I long to hear you tell.
But alas, I'll never again hear your voice,
Though not through my own choice.
But maybe it's better this way,
Because what's there left to say
Except for a sad sigh
And one last goodbye.
I cared for you more than you could ever know.
Your such a great person, your truly an amazing.
I regret when we fight, I don't think its right.
When ever I see you hurt the only person I blame is me,
I hate it when you in pain for I love thee.
I wish life wasn't so complicated,
I am tired of us always being hated.
I wish you the best with what ever you chose to do,
I want you to know, no matter what, i will always love you.
Sharing a day with you is quite fun..
to witness the most beautiful sunset with you
will always be a beautiful sunrise in my heart
we may go separate ways
live different lives
you will always be the only one
whom can fill that space in my lonely heart
your sweet melody turns a lovely harmony
that mixes different colors and hues
in my lonesome nights
with a cold blowing air
and bright moon and stars
memories of ours...
Monday, September 15, 2008
My thoughts
My Understanding of You
From all that you've told me about yourself, this is what i have gathered from our 5 months together and the little bits and pieces that i've pieced together. ( Like a jigsaw puzzle =))
For most of your childhood, times were tough. But it was fun. You had a ball of a time as a kid, and you have deep and great respect for your Mum. Coz u appreciated the amount of effort and energy that it took for her to bring all of you up especially while your Dad was away.
Over the years, because of your loving nature, your kindness, and sometimes not knowing how to stand up for yourself, you have been hurt deeply. Which is why, you fear dishonesty and disloyalty from your friends and especially your loved ones. In a way, the fear became so bad, that you started to alienate people around you because you felt that they might all be wanting something from you or might eventually end up hurting you.
So, it seems like there are a lot of people that you know, and a lot of people that know you. But you've never been able to open up to anyone for fear of being hurt and being betrayed.
And thus, you keep a lot of your thoughts and feelings to yourself. And yet, everyone in this world needs someone that they can talk to, someone that they can trust. Because that is the nature of man kind. And that is where your wife comes in.
I believe, in your times of sadness and unhappiness, she came into your life and showed you love. Showed you that there is at least someone who would hold your hand and tell you that things are going to be alright. That no matter how bad things get, she will be there. That she was probably someone you felt that you could count on for the rest of your life. And for that reason, you fell for her.
Although you probably had other friends at the point when you met her, you were still suspicious of them and felt that they could not connect with you at the level which you needed to connect with them at. You probably felt that she had a deep understanding of who you were. But that was also because you were emotionally hurt at that point of time. So anyone who had come along, who had made the effort to spend time with you, care for you, loved you, showed you that they had no ill intentions would have made the cut.
Because you were also scared and lonely then, you spend a lot more time thinking and reflecting and the greatest fear of all human kind is FEAR of loneliness. And she was there at the right time and right place i guess. You were after all human and needed to have someone to share yourself with, the places that you've been, the things you've done. To give each other support and encouragement, to touch and feel each other. You hated that cold and lonely feeling. And she was there to bring some warmth and take that lousy lonely feeling away.
The Road You've Taken
Over these last couple of years, i feel that you have yet to put all your emotional baggage aside. There is still this great fear inside you. The fear of once again being lonely, not having anyone by your side to see you through life's challenging moments. And therefore, you cling on to the one thing that you know best at this point of time. Which is your wife. Or maybe over the years of being with her, you have truly come to appreciate and love her for the person that she is. And i must say she is a great and wonderful woman.
At the same time, there is a recurring theme that comes up in our past conversations. As i only have your version of the story, i have to take everything with a little pinch of salt. The fact is that, there is still this fear inside you. I remembered you told me once that your wife did leave you for a while while you were dating to see another man. And that fear has been inside you because you fear that she might one day leave you and you will be back to the time where there is no one by your side, no one you can trust, no one to give you love and warmth, no one to hold your hand. And all these are really scary feelings.
Having fear in a relationship might not be a bad thing. It might sometimes bring two people to further cherish what they have and time spent together will be more meaningful and useful rather then time spent arguing and fighting. However, when this fear does not help us, but in fact stops us from doing what our hearts and mind want us to do, that is when it is a bad thing.
The Missing Element
I'm not sure what the missing element is in your marriage. Coz only you have the answer to what is lacking, missing, that causes you to run out and look for LOVE outside. Because judging by the amount of 'i love yous' that fly back and forth between you and your wife, there is still something that these words cannot replace. Something specific that you are looking for.
From what i've seen and understood of you in this short time that we've known each other, i feel that you are no different from other human beings. Please don't take me wrongly. You are a really special and unique person in my heart. Yet, at the same time, you are no different from any man, woman on the street. Because, like any human being, you strive for companionship, you strive to be surrounded by other human beings. But here's the dilemma for you. You want human company, and yet you are afraid that these people might eventually hurt or harm you. And thus, you keep doing this little dance of yours, two steps forward, one step back.
Or maybe your ideas of Love is so grand that no one can match up to them. Maybe too many love novels? That only through death can real love be demonstrated? Truth is, love is just love. There are a lot of things you will do for a loved one. And you just know that there are no limits and boundaries. There is no need for the words to be said. In some ways, the love is unconditional. Filled with warmth, understanding, communication, trust and the most important of all, forgiveness.
What is Love?
How do you know you've fallen in love? You know because you can feel the amount of understanding that goes on between two people. You might not have known each other for a long time, and yet, somehow, you feel that you've known this person all your life. You feel safe with the person. You feel warmth. You feel like all you want to do is take this person into your arms.
Each of us have our ideas of how love should be. No one is right, no one is wrong. Once a long time ago, i told you that i stay faithful and loyal in a relationship because everyday, i find new things to love about the person that i am with. Which is why, i cannot say i love you from day one, neither do i believe in love at first sight. Because, love takes understanding, communication and trust. And all these cannot be built with one simple glance.
Each day when i see you, i find something about you that i didn't notice the day before. And for that simple reason, i love you more and more. But end of the day, to love is a choice. Everyone of us have a choice whether we want to acknowledge that love or not. And how much we want to love. Love also means forgiveness when i feel that you've hurt me either directly or indirectly.
I am no saint. I am no Buddha or i am not GOD. There will be times when i also face emotional turmoil, or i lose my cool. There will be times when i am scared of losing you as well and therefore do not share myself with you.
Where do i fit in?
When i first knew you, you struck me as someone who was searching. Someone who was lost, someone who was reaching out. At the same time, i was reaching out. So i guess it boils down to the word TIMING. You constantly reassured me that you'll be holding my hand no matter what happens and it made me feel so comfortable with you. You also made me believe that you knew that this was what you wanted. That you were sure of US. Because remember, i wrote earlier that the greatest fear anyone has in the world is the fear of loneliness. And as i got to know you more each day, lines of imperfection started to appear. That didn't make me walk away, didn't stop me from loving you more.
Because in my world, love is accepting and loving you for who you are despite your flaws, your imperfections. That there were times when i felt that you hurt me, and yet, i didn't stop loving you despite of that hurt. That's my idea of love and it might be different from you. Many times i have told you that i'll always be around to hold your hand, until the day you no longer want or need me to. But there was always one thing which i knew. That for two people to be together, they must be constantly helping each other grow to become better people. They must understand and accept each other strengths and weaknesses and do their best to complement each other. That there must be a constant vision of where they want to go and who they eventually want to be and how each person can help the other person achieve their dreams.
But more importantly, before a relationship can reach that point, or before a relationship can grow, there must be a BELIEF. As with all things we do in our lives, it all starts out as a belief. Do you believe you would be a horseman? Do you believe you can cook? Do you believe that your mum loves you unconditionally? And do you believe in US? If there is no such believe, then the truth is we are both wasting our time. Because, the it takes two hands to clap. And i can never build this relationship up on my own.
The person i choose to Love
I have always understood that love is never a 50-50 thing. I also believe that love is a feeling which you project for others. What do i mean by that? When you say you love your partner, the image of the person constantly pops up in your mind. When you are faced with a difficulty, the image o the person gives you a little more courage to deal with the problems that you are facing with. That you cherish each moment spent with the person and long for the person when the person is not there. You wish to tell the person even the smallest of things that happened in your day. When you are with the person, you don't have to hear the i love you, to FEEL the understanding, love, patience, care that the person has for you. Sometimes, just looking at you, the person knows what's on your mind or if there is something bugging you. You feel that you are not alone out there. And you know you have someone who really cares about you. You have your own friends whom you enjoy going out with, but you know that no matter where you go, whom you meet or what you do, you'll never feel as deep a love as you have for this person.
Love also comes at a price. If I say i love a person, then there will be things that i have to do that might sometimes inconvenience me. If you have ever read books or novels about love, then the love stories all have their tale to tell. Lovers not being able to get together, lovers having to die eventually. Remember the story of Romeo and Juliet? They believed in their love. Their love didn't come easy. Of course not all love stories are like that.
Why Marriage?
If you ask me if i believe in marriage, the my answer is YES! Do two people who love each other dearly definitely have to get married? Marriage is a commitment with the person that you love. Remember your wedding vows? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death do us part. I suppose when you truly love this person, it is something that you'll believe in and strive to do.
Someone not keeping their part of the vows doesn't mean you don't keep yours. If that is the case, then you are no different from the person that broke it. Don't stoop to someone else's level. Keep your own level and know what it is you want.
People don't keep their marriage vows because many people take the vows lightly. Either that or the person you married in the first place wasn't the person you really truly loved.
What you Told Me...
Remember you told me this afternoon about the 3 women in your life. The wife, the lover and the good friend. I think differently. I believe, that when you love someone, you would want this person to be all three rolled into one. Again, my ideas of love might not be the same as yours.
I believe the man i call my husband will be my best friend, someone that i can share my problems with. Someone that i enjoy going out with. Someone that will open his heart and mind to me. Someone that will be there to share my day with. I will have other male friends, but no one can replace the position of best friend that my husband has. I also believe my husband will be my greatest lover. That our love making session will be unique and even when we're old and aged, my husband will still enjoy tenderly kissing me, while we will still be passionate about each other. I also want to be the best friend my husband has. Sure, no marriage comes without fights and arguments. But we'll always be able to forgive each other because we love each other. We'll always be able to sit down calmly and talk to one another even after we've had the biggest disagreements.
But this sort of thing doesn't come easy. Of course having the right partner helps. And both parties wanting the same things helps as well. Is it possible? Of course it is. Because when you truly love a person, when you truly feel for a person, you would never want to hurt a person, and the feelings of comfort is just amazing. You will find new things to love each day about the person. That you will have no eyes for other people that come your way. Most importantly, you must first believe and trust that person.
My Words to you
No one other than you can make all of it happen. When you are unhappy with your wife, have you sat her down to tell her what you feel, how you feel and how she can help you? Or do you keep it bottled up? But before all that, do you really know what you want? What is it that you want from a relationship/marriage. If it is simply someone to be there with when you go home at night, then any woman will do. But realize that not every relationship works out. What is it that you really want? How do you view your relationship to be? And after you've sorted out your own thoughts, think of what you can do to make the current situation better. Know this as well, that if your partner loves you dearly, the person would put in effort to make it work and make it happen. Unless of course both of you have totally different visions. Then, you have to once again make a choice. Do you think for the rest of your life you can settle for less or do you not?
If you choose not to settle for less, then all great things come at a cost and a price. You need to stand up for what you believe in. And in the process, you might fall down once, twice. But know that there will always be people around for you to reach out to. I promise you, that when you reach out, someone's hand will be there. You are more lucky then anyone that i know. You have a Mum that dotes and love you, 3 children that adore you and hero worship you. =)
If you choose not to rock the boat because you are afraid of confrontations, then you can also choose to be happy. Happy with what you have and who you have. Be contented.
I love you dearly and hope that you will continuously strive for the best. Maybe like your mum? She also hopes you strive for the best and hopes that you will be happy. I also wish that of you. Not that i'm your mum lah =P Anyway, i hope my long long email has helped you in some ways. Like your mum, she'll never let go of your hand when you need her hand. But she also knows when you are a big boy already and need to take certain journeys on your own. I assure you, that i'll always be around too to hold your hand when you need me. That even if we go back to being just friends, i am always just a phone call away. That is my word and my promise to you. For the rest of my life! But if you choose to want to work at us, then you must show me your belief and conviction. And as much as i can be understanding and love you, i must also feel your love. If not, my belief and conviction will also run out one day.
From all that you've told me about yourself, this is what i have gathered from our 5 months together and the little bits and pieces that i've pieced together. ( Like a jigsaw puzzle =))
For most of your childhood, times were tough. But it was fun. You had a ball of a time as a kid, and you have deep and great respect for your Mum. Coz u appreciated the amount of effort and energy that it took for her to bring all of you up especially while your Dad was away.
Over the years, because of your loving nature, your kindness, and sometimes not knowing how to stand up for yourself, you have been hurt deeply. Which is why, you fear dishonesty and disloyalty from your friends and especially your loved ones. In a way, the fear became so bad, that you started to alienate people around you because you felt that they might all be wanting something from you or might eventually end up hurting you.
So, it seems like there are a lot of people that you know, and a lot of people that know you. But you've never been able to open up to anyone for fear of being hurt and being betrayed.
And thus, you keep a lot of your thoughts and feelings to yourself. And yet, everyone in this world needs someone that they can talk to, someone that they can trust. Because that is the nature of man kind. And that is where your wife comes in.
I believe, in your times of sadness and unhappiness, she came into your life and showed you love. Showed you that there is at least someone who would hold your hand and tell you that things are going to be alright. That no matter how bad things get, she will be there. That she was probably someone you felt that you could count on for the rest of your life. And for that reason, you fell for her.
Although you probably had other friends at the point when you met her, you were still suspicious of them and felt that they could not connect with you at the level which you needed to connect with them at. You probably felt that she had a deep understanding of who you were. But that was also because you were emotionally hurt at that point of time. So anyone who had come along, who had made the effort to spend time with you, care for you, loved you, showed you that they had no ill intentions would have made the cut.
Because you were also scared and lonely then, you spend a lot more time thinking and reflecting and the greatest fear of all human kind is FEAR of loneliness. And she was there at the right time and right place i guess. You were after all human and needed to have someone to share yourself with, the places that you've been, the things you've done. To give each other support and encouragement, to touch and feel each other. You hated that cold and lonely feeling. And she was there to bring some warmth and take that lousy lonely feeling away.
The Road You've Taken
Over these last couple of years, i feel that you have yet to put all your emotional baggage aside. There is still this great fear inside you. The fear of once again being lonely, not having anyone by your side to see you through life's challenging moments. And therefore, you cling on to the one thing that you know best at this point of time. Which is your wife. Or maybe over the years of being with her, you have truly come to appreciate and love her for the person that she is. And i must say she is a great and wonderful woman.
At the same time, there is a recurring theme that comes up in our past conversations. As i only have your version of the story, i have to take everything with a little pinch of salt. The fact is that, there is still this fear inside you. I remembered you told me once that your wife did leave you for a while while you were dating to see another man. And that fear has been inside you because you fear that she might one day leave you and you will be back to the time where there is no one by your side, no one you can trust, no one to give you love and warmth, no one to hold your hand. And all these are really scary feelings.
Having fear in a relationship might not be a bad thing. It might sometimes bring two people to further cherish what they have and time spent together will be more meaningful and useful rather then time spent arguing and fighting. However, when this fear does not help us, but in fact stops us from doing what our hearts and mind want us to do, that is when it is a bad thing.
The Missing Element
I'm not sure what the missing element is in your marriage. Coz only you have the answer to what is lacking, missing, that causes you to run out and look for LOVE outside. Because judging by the amount of 'i love yous' that fly back and forth between you and your wife, there is still something that these words cannot replace. Something specific that you are looking for.
From what i've seen and understood of you in this short time that we've known each other, i feel that you are no different from other human beings. Please don't take me wrongly. You are a really special and unique person in my heart. Yet, at the same time, you are no different from any man, woman on the street. Because, like any human being, you strive for companionship, you strive to be surrounded by other human beings. But here's the dilemma for you. You want human company, and yet you are afraid that these people might eventually hurt or harm you. And thus, you keep doing this little dance of yours, two steps forward, one step back.
Or maybe your ideas of Love is so grand that no one can match up to them. Maybe too many love novels? That only through death can real love be demonstrated? Truth is, love is just love. There are a lot of things you will do for a loved one. And you just know that there are no limits and boundaries. There is no need for the words to be said. In some ways, the love is unconditional. Filled with warmth, understanding, communication, trust and the most important of all, forgiveness.
What is Love?
How do you know you've fallen in love? You know because you can feel the amount of understanding that goes on between two people. You might not have known each other for a long time, and yet, somehow, you feel that you've known this person all your life. You feel safe with the person. You feel warmth. You feel like all you want to do is take this person into your arms.
Each of us have our ideas of how love should be. No one is right, no one is wrong. Once a long time ago, i told you that i stay faithful and loyal in a relationship because everyday, i find new things to love about the person that i am with. Which is why, i cannot say i love you from day one, neither do i believe in love at first sight. Because, love takes understanding, communication and trust. And all these cannot be built with one simple glance.
Each day when i see you, i find something about you that i didn't notice the day before. And for that simple reason, i love you more and more. But end of the day, to love is a choice. Everyone of us have a choice whether we want to acknowledge that love or not. And how much we want to love. Love also means forgiveness when i feel that you've hurt me either directly or indirectly.
I am no saint. I am no Buddha or i am not GOD. There will be times when i also face emotional turmoil, or i lose my cool. There will be times when i am scared of losing you as well and therefore do not share myself with you.
Where do i fit in?
When i first knew you, you struck me as someone who was searching. Someone who was lost, someone who was reaching out. At the same time, i was reaching out. So i guess it boils down to the word TIMING. You constantly reassured me that you'll be holding my hand no matter what happens and it made me feel so comfortable with you. You also made me believe that you knew that this was what you wanted. That you were sure of US. Because remember, i wrote earlier that the greatest fear anyone has in the world is the fear of loneliness. And as i got to know you more each day, lines of imperfection started to appear. That didn't make me walk away, didn't stop me from loving you more.
Because in my world, love is accepting and loving you for who you are despite your flaws, your imperfections. That there were times when i felt that you hurt me, and yet, i didn't stop loving you despite of that hurt. That's my idea of love and it might be different from you. Many times i have told you that i'll always be around to hold your hand, until the day you no longer want or need me to. But there was always one thing which i knew. That for two people to be together, they must be constantly helping each other grow to become better people. They must understand and accept each other strengths and weaknesses and do their best to complement each other. That there must be a constant vision of where they want to go and who they eventually want to be and how each person can help the other person achieve their dreams.
But more importantly, before a relationship can reach that point, or before a relationship can grow, there must be a BELIEF. As with all things we do in our lives, it all starts out as a belief. Do you believe you would be a horseman? Do you believe you can cook? Do you believe that your mum loves you unconditionally? And do you believe in US? If there is no such believe, then the truth is we are both wasting our time. Because, the it takes two hands to clap. And i can never build this relationship up on my own.
The person i choose to Love
I have always understood that love is never a 50-50 thing. I also believe that love is a feeling which you project for others. What do i mean by that? When you say you love your partner, the image of the person constantly pops up in your mind. When you are faced with a difficulty, the image o the person gives you a little more courage to deal with the problems that you are facing with. That you cherish each moment spent with the person and long for the person when the person is not there. You wish to tell the person even the smallest of things that happened in your day. When you are with the person, you don't have to hear the i love you, to FEEL the understanding, love, patience, care that the person has for you. Sometimes, just looking at you, the person knows what's on your mind or if there is something bugging you. You feel that you are not alone out there. And you know you have someone who really cares about you. You have your own friends whom you enjoy going out with, but you know that no matter where you go, whom you meet or what you do, you'll never feel as deep a love as you have for this person.
Love also comes at a price. If I say i love a person, then there will be things that i have to do that might sometimes inconvenience me. If you have ever read books or novels about love, then the love stories all have their tale to tell. Lovers not being able to get together, lovers having to die eventually. Remember the story of Romeo and Juliet? They believed in their love. Their love didn't come easy. Of course not all love stories are like that.
Why Marriage?
If you ask me if i believe in marriage, the my answer is YES! Do two people who love each other dearly definitely have to get married? Marriage is a commitment with the person that you love. Remember your wedding vows? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death do us part. I suppose when you truly love this person, it is something that you'll believe in and strive to do.
Someone not keeping their part of the vows doesn't mean you don't keep yours. If that is the case, then you are no different from the person that broke it. Don't stoop to someone else's level. Keep your own level and know what it is you want.
People don't keep their marriage vows because many people take the vows lightly. Either that or the person you married in the first place wasn't the person you really truly loved.
What you Told Me...
Remember you told me this afternoon about the 3 women in your life. The wife, the lover and the good friend. I think differently. I believe, that when you love someone, you would want this person to be all three rolled into one. Again, my ideas of love might not be the same as yours.
I believe the man i call my husband will be my best friend, someone that i can share my problems with. Someone that i enjoy going out with. Someone that will open his heart and mind to me. Someone that will be there to share my day with. I will have other male friends, but no one can replace the position of best friend that my husband has. I also believe my husband will be my greatest lover. That our love making session will be unique and even when we're old and aged, my husband will still enjoy tenderly kissing me, while we will still be passionate about each other. I also want to be the best friend my husband has. Sure, no marriage comes without fights and arguments. But we'll always be able to forgive each other because we love each other. We'll always be able to sit down calmly and talk to one another even after we've had the biggest disagreements.
But this sort of thing doesn't come easy. Of course having the right partner helps. And both parties wanting the same things helps as well. Is it possible? Of course it is. Because when you truly love a person, when you truly feel for a person, you would never want to hurt a person, and the feelings of comfort is just amazing. You will find new things to love each day about the person. That you will have no eyes for other people that come your way. Most importantly, you must first believe and trust that person.
My Words to you
No one other than you can make all of it happen. When you are unhappy with your wife, have you sat her down to tell her what you feel, how you feel and how she can help you? Or do you keep it bottled up? But before all that, do you really know what you want? What is it that you want from a relationship/marriage. If it is simply someone to be there with when you go home at night, then any woman will do. But realize that not every relationship works out. What is it that you really want? How do you view your relationship to be? And after you've sorted out your own thoughts, think of what you can do to make the current situation better. Know this as well, that if your partner loves you dearly, the person would put in effort to make it work and make it happen. Unless of course both of you have totally different visions. Then, you have to once again make a choice. Do you think for the rest of your life you can settle for less or do you not?
If you choose not to settle for less, then all great things come at a cost and a price. You need to stand up for what you believe in. And in the process, you might fall down once, twice. But know that there will always be people around for you to reach out to. I promise you, that when you reach out, someone's hand will be there. You are more lucky then anyone that i know. You have a Mum that dotes and love you, 3 children that adore you and hero worship you. =)
If you choose not to rock the boat because you are afraid of confrontations, then you can also choose to be happy. Happy with what you have and who you have. Be contented.
I love you dearly and hope that you will continuously strive for the best. Maybe like your mum? She also hopes you strive for the best and hopes that you will be happy. I also wish that of you. Not that i'm your mum lah =P Anyway, i hope my long long email has helped you in some ways. Like your mum, she'll never let go of your hand when you need her hand. But she also knows when you are a big boy already and need to take certain journeys on your own. I assure you, that i'll always be around too to hold your hand when you need me. That even if we go back to being just friends, i am always just a phone call away. That is my word and my promise to you. For the rest of my life! But if you choose to want to work at us, then you must show me your belief and conviction. And as much as i can be understanding and love you, i must also feel your love. If not, my belief and conviction will also run out one day.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
What do you do when the flames die out
I am an optimist. I refuse to compromise on the quality of the relationship whether it is from day one or on day one hundred and one or one thousand and one. I like a genuine man who gives it to me as it is rather then paint the most beautiful picture and later take that painted picture away.
So, what do you do when the flames die out? When you realize that this man was an empty shell in the first place. Do you give more in hopes that that empty shell will produce a pearl, or do you walk away knowing and thinking that you have once again made another serious judgement error.
When the flames die out, the question is, do you want to compromise. As much as i say i am an optimist, i find myself becoming weak in this pursuit of his love. But ironically, i read in a book, that love is a feeling. You either feel it or you don't. And right now, i just don't. I feel like i'm constantly being brushed aside, pushed aside. That only his feelings matter. Only i have to be understanding about the situation that he's in. Only i have to wait for him to turn up, for him to call, for him to be around. When i'm sad and down, he can't be around. And all i'm hearing is, i'm sorry.
When he can't bring me out after he has promised, all i hear is i'm sorry. it's not my fault. after i have caught him lying, he says, i'm sorry. I didn't want you to feel hurt and upset and was thinking for you. After all the I'm sorry's, it sure doesn't feel and mean like it already.
Maybe the truth is, end of the day, all relationships are just a mind game. And for all men, the thrill is in the chase. And with all things, once you've caught the prey, then it's time to move on and look for a new prey. I can't help feeling like i was once again the fool. Honestly, do i really have the words 'SUCKER' typed on my forehead?
So, what do you do when the flames die out? When you realize that this man was an empty shell in the first place. Do you give more in hopes that that empty shell will produce a pearl, or do you walk away knowing and thinking that you have once again made another serious judgement error.
When the flames die out, the question is, do you want to compromise. As much as i say i am an optimist, i find myself becoming weak in this pursuit of his love. But ironically, i read in a book, that love is a feeling. You either feel it or you don't. And right now, i just don't. I feel like i'm constantly being brushed aside, pushed aside. That only his feelings matter. Only i have to be understanding about the situation that he's in. Only i have to wait for him to turn up, for him to call, for him to be around. When i'm sad and down, he can't be around. And all i'm hearing is, i'm sorry.
When he can't bring me out after he has promised, all i hear is i'm sorry. it's not my fault. after i have caught him lying, he says, i'm sorry. I didn't want you to feel hurt and upset and was thinking for you. After all the I'm sorry's, it sure doesn't feel and mean like it already.
Maybe the truth is, end of the day, all relationships are just a mind game. And for all men, the thrill is in the chase. And with all things, once you've caught the prey, then it's time to move on and look for a new prey. I can't help feeling like i was once again the fool. Honestly, do i really have the words 'SUCKER' typed on my forehead?
Friday, September 05, 2008
I'm not so sure anymore
I often wonder what i like best about myself.
I guess it could be the fun and spontaneous me. The me that thinks up of a million and one things to do on any given day. The me that can be both serious and fun loving at the same time. The me that has the capacity to love and love again and again, to stay optimistic despite the negativity. The me that is proud enough to say i believe, and yet, humble enough to say i'm sorry.
But of late, i'm beginning to like myself less. I'm no longer as fun and spontaneous anymore. I guess it's not really that. But it could be because i'm so careful in not hurting the people around me and close to me. The not hurting part is in itself another thing i like about myself. The capacity to empathise, sympathise and to have care and concern for the feelings of those around me. The imagination to put myself in their shoes and walk their path.
I too struggle with the emotions that engulf me. The feelings of wanting more for myself. And as i grow older, the giving of my heart is bounded by the primary or secondary benefits that i derive from giving. And thus, as i grow older, i begin to be less selfless and more selfish. And i begin to like myself less as it doesn't quite fit the personality that i would have liked to have.
Sure. Personalities can change over time. But as i grow older, and the inclination for fun, changes etc delude me. I would rather sit on my ass, in my little comfort zone and whine about why and how unfair this miserable life of mine is. True! I could probably spend less time whining and more time putting change into action. You see, end of the day, all of us have our little comfort zones and little circles that we bind ourselves up in. Very often, we see change as something bad. But why should it be?
I remember writing the post that everything we needed to learn in life, we learnt in kindergarten. And how true. Remember the days when we were curious about everything. And i mean everything. But i suppose when they say experience shapes a man, it's true. But that shouldn't take the kid out of all of us. We should draw the lessons we're meant to have out of these experiences and still be brave enough to be curious, to go out and search for something new. To look at each day and marvel at how much more we've learnt today. And each day, we should believe we were wiser then the day before.
It's one thing to hide behind a wall and mask of pain and hang on to emotional baggage because we refuse to let go of the feeling so that we can be constantly reminded of how to protect ourselves. Instead, we should leave our heavy load where they were, keep in our minds what could be and walk on and cover as much ground as possible.
Anyway, i guess, there really isn't a good or bad experience. Just an experience. Ok. Maybe there are bad experiences. Stuff like murder, rape, accidents, war etc But other then the major traumatic events, everything feels good or bad only coz we attach our own form of emotions and emotional understanding to them.
So on this note, i'm off in search for the me that i used to like a lot more.
The me that was fun, the me that was full of love, of zest, of life, of adventure. The me that gets back quickly after a fall, brush off the dirt and ask, how could i have done it differently and start running again. Rather then the me that falls and says, ouch that hurts. I don't ever want to fall again. And so, i don't ever want to run again.
Have a great day you all!
I guess it could be the fun and spontaneous me. The me that thinks up of a million and one things to do on any given day. The me that can be both serious and fun loving at the same time. The me that has the capacity to love and love again and again, to stay optimistic despite the negativity. The me that is proud enough to say i believe, and yet, humble enough to say i'm sorry.
But of late, i'm beginning to like myself less. I'm no longer as fun and spontaneous anymore. I guess it's not really that. But it could be because i'm so careful in not hurting the people around me and close to me. The not hurting part is in itself another thing i like about myself. The capacity to empathise, sympathise and to have care and concern for the feelings of those around me. The imagination to put myself in their shoes and walk their path.
I too struggle with the emotions that engulf me. The feelings of wanting more for myself. And as i grow older, the giving of my heart is bounded by the primary or secondary benefits that i derive from giving. And thus, as i grow older, i begin to be less selfless and more selfish. And i begin to like myself less as it doesn't quite fit the personality that i would have liked to have.
Sure. Personalities can change over time. But as i grow older, and the inclination for fun, changes etc delude me. I would rather sit on my ass, in my little comfort zone and whine about why and how unfair this miserable life of mine is. True! I could probably spend less time whining and more time putting change into action. You see, end of the day, all of us have our little comfort zones and little circles that we bind ourselves up in. Very often, we see change as something bad. But why should it be?
I remember writing the post that everything we needed to learn in life, we learnt in kindergarten. And how true. Remember the days when we were curious about everything. And i mean everything. But i suppose when they say experience shapes a man, it's true. But that shouldn't take the kid out of all of us. We should draw the lessons we're meant to have out of these experiences and still be brave enough to be curious, to go out and search for something new. To look at each day and marvel at how much more we've learnt today. And each day, we should believe we were wiser then the day before.
It's one thing to hide behind a wall and mask of pain and hang on to emotional baggage because we refuse to let go of the feeling so that we can be constantly reminded of how to protect ourselves. Instead, we should leave our heavy load where they were, keep in our minds what could be and walk on and cover as much ground as possible.
Anyway, i guess, there really isn't a good or bad experience. Just an experience. Ok. Maybe there are bad experiences. Stuff like murder, rape, accidents, war etc But other then the major traumatic events, everything feels good or bad only coz we attach our own form of emotions and emotional understanding to them.
So on this note, i'm off in search for the me that i used to like a lot more.
The me that was fun, the me that was full of love, of zest, of life, of adventure. The me that gets back quickly after a fall, brush off the dirt and ask, how could i have done it differently and start running again. Rather then the me that falls and says, ouch that hurts. I don't ever want to fall again. And so, i don't ever want to run again.
Have a great day you all!
Thursday, September 04, 2008
what i want??
Maybe when they say man are from mars and woman are from venus, there was some truth in it.
Despite all the thoughts you have written to me in the form of your chinese messages, only one thing remains true from all the love stuff that you've put in so much effort and time to write. The whole idea of love is all grand and great. Every woman will have her take on what she wants in a love relationship or a relationship for that matter. Every woman will give you her version of what sort of relationship she is looking for.
So the rich man will have his number of women surrounding him. Because these group of women believe that money is love. That their husbands or loved ones being able to provide for their shopping and for them to live in a big mansion is the sort of love relationship that they are looking for. There is no need for them to connect with their husbands on an emotional level.
The man who sweet talks will also have his fair share of women surrounding him. Because these group of women will believe everything that the man says. That they feel happiest when the man around them heap praises and words of sweet nothings. That is their idea of a love relationship and how it works for them.
The man who is extremely bring will also have women surrounding him, albeit as he grows older. Women who have gone through other relationships that have failed will find that this man is the sort of person who embodies love for them as he will not stray. And that is the sort of love relationship they want.
Each different man attracts a different form of woman. Just like each woman will attract her fair share of men into her life. The point i am trying to make is that there is no one perfect love model. There is no one CORRECT love relationship or RIGHT love relationship. Which is why there is this element of a relationship that everyone talks about, knows about but doesn't quite have something to define it. And that element is called chemistry. I would like to call it a flow. A movement that knows no boundaries and things just happen and somehow, when the things happen, you just feel right about it. Notice when people talk about love, they talk about how right it FEELs, talk about how it makes them FEEL, talks about the WARMTH, the LOVE.. all these are words that you cannot really define. Just like FAITH. TRUST. Words that you cannot define but which you need to experience.
Each person's experience with all these things are different. Just like with any one incident that happens, my take of it will not be exactly the same as your take from it. Because together with the incident, many people carry along with them life long experiences and baggage. And therefore the interpretation of one event differs from man to man, woman to woman.
So what do i want from a man you might ask? I want my man to know that he loves me. That he wants me. That i make a difference in being in his life. That in my own little ways and special ways, i touched him. And we both strive to make US happen and US work. I want to know that he puts time aside from his busy schedule to make time so that he can see me and spend time with me. I want to know that when the going gets tough, he thinks of resting in my arms because i generate a sort of warmth for him. i want to know that when my load is heavy, he will hold my hand, ask me to take a rest, ask me not to worry that he's there. But more importantly, because i am a pleaser, i need to know that he needs and wants me. Not just while we are out, not just while we face the different challenges life throws at us constantly, but even while we are lying in bed next to each other. That he desires me. =)
Despite all the thoughts you have written to me in the form of your chinese messages, only one thing remains true from all the love stuff that you've put in so much effort and time to write. The whole idea of love is all grand and great. Every woman will have her take on what she wants in a love relationship or a relationship for that matter. Every woman will give you her version of what sort of relationship she is looking for.
So the rich man will have his number of women surrounding him. Because these group of women believe that money is love. That their husbands or loved ones being able to provide for their shopping and for them to live in a big mansion is the sort of love relationship that they are looking for. There is no need for them to connect with their husbands on an emotional level.
The man who sweet talks will also have his fair share of women surrounding him. Because these group of women will believe everything that the man says. That they feel happiest when the man around them heap praises and words of sweet nothings. That is their idea of a love relationship and how it works for them.
The man who is extremely bring will also have women surrounding him, albeit as he grows older. Women who have gone through other relationships that have failed will find that this man is the sort of person who embodies love for them as he will not stray. And that is the sort of love relationship they want.
Each different man attracts a different form of woman. Just like each woman will attract her fair share of men into her life. The point i am trying to make is that there is no one perfect love model. There is no one CORRECT love relationship or RIGHT love relationship. Which is why there is this element of a relationship that everyone talks about, knows about but doesn't quite have something to define it. And that element is called chemistry. I would like to call it a flow. A movement that knows no boundaries and things just happen and somehow, when the things happen, you just feel right about it. Notice when people talk about love, they talk about how right it FEELs, talk about how it makes them FEEL, talks about the WARMTH, the LOVE.. all these are words that you cannot really define. Just like FAITH. TRUST. Words that you cannot define but which you need to experience.
Each person's experience with all these things are different. Just like with any one incident that happens, my take of it will not be exactly the same as your take from it. Because together with the incident, many people carry along with them life long experiences and baggage. And therefore the interpretation of one event differs from man to man, woman to woman.
So what do i want from a man you might ask? I want my man to know that he loves me. That he wants me. That i make a difference in being in his life. That in my own little ways and special ways, i touched him. And we both strive to make US happen and US work. I want to know that he puts time aside from his busy schedule to make time so that he can see me and spend time with me. I want to know that when the going gets tough, he thinks of resting in my arms because i generate a sort of warmth for him. i want to know that when my load is heavy, he will hold my hand, ask me to take a rest, ask me not to worry that he's there. But more importantly, because i am a pleaser, i need to know that he needs and wants me. Not just while we are out, not just while we face the different challenges life throws at us constantly, but even while we are lying in bed next to each other. That he desires me. =)
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
His break up post to me??
跟你在一起时间很少
我只要，静静地爱你。
一心一意的爱着你。
只要你还需要我，我就永远在你身边。
就算有一天你不再爱我了，我对你的爱也不会停止。
我会永远静静地爱着你。
我们在一起的酸甜苦辣，只有我们自己心里知道。
生活中的痛苦永远比甜蜜清晰，我们都伤害过彼此。
我们为了不一样的事情争执过上百次。
有些事情现在想起来都觉得幼稚。
虽然我们的爱情是聚少离多，我曾经甚至怀疑。
怀疑我们最终是否能走到最后。
很多人说我们是不可能的。
伤害你，伤害了我最爱的你。
我让你灰心，我让你不再相信我们的爱情。
我甚至让你有了不再那么爱你的错觉。
我曾经对你说：“宝贝我会疼啊。”
短短的一句话，每当我会想起，心中都有说不出的心疼。
有的时候我觉得自己罪大恶极。
我怎能这样伤害自己的宝贝？
我心中曾经默默的对自己发誓。
以后不管你做什么我都不能动怒。
就算有什么情绪也要自己调整，不能让你为难。
以后你要是不开心了，我要竭尽所能哄你开心。
我们聊过之后，我才发现自己的惊弓之鸟情绪。
深深的影响到了我们的关系。
我只要，静静地爱你。
一心一意的爱着你。
只要你还需要我，我就永远在你身边。
就算有一天你不再爱我了，我对你的爱也不会停止。
我会永远静静地爱着你。
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
My recollections of the past week and my thoughts
I guess all that has happened over the past week since last Saturday has really made me wake up and forced me to take a step back. Nothing in this world is for certain i am sure. Nothing is certain except for death and taxes and CHANGE. But i guess maybe at the back of my mind, i always told myself mentally that i should be prepared if anything bad were to happen. I guess it has to do with the fact that initially, the picture that he painted wasn't a very rosy one. And as we got to know each other better, i realized that his words were sugar coated and he wasn't truthful right from the start. That when he painted a picture of a wife who was unfaithful, who didn't give a damn, it so wasn't true.
I guess the experience last week was a huge WAKE UP call. I realized that in that one incident, he wiped away the few months of love, joy, happiness.
Truth is this. End of the day, the only thread that is holding us together is the fact that i'm currently now free to keep him company as and when he needs company. Go out for dinners, go hang out, chill out. But this cannot be for the long term. And when that phase passes, then i guess it's the end. SO why wait till it ends? Why not end things now when i have the chance?
I guess a lot of thoughts have been floating in my mind lately. Maybe because of his wife being suspicious, and him cowering in the corner. Maybe actions speak louder then words, and his actions shouted out and reiterated the fact that he needs her a lot more then he needs me. And subsequently, i guess i looked at what i really wanted in life and i know, a life of secrecy, a life of having to give in to someone all the time, to accomodate his needs, to place his needs above me is not what i want. So, it'll hurt for a while i'll bet. I'm sure it'll hurt.
But time dulls the wounds. I'm sure of that. My blog is a testimony to this idea. After the tears are washed away, after the ache stops hurting, life goes on. Sure it does. I'm sure it does. All i have to do is believe!
I guess the experience last week was a huge WAKE UP call. I realized that in that one incident, he wiped away the few months of love, joy, happiness.
Truth is this. End of the day, the only thread that is holding us together is the fact that i'm currently now free to keep him company as and when he needs company. Go out for dinners, go hang out, chill out. But this cannot be for the long term. And when that phase passes, then i guess it's the end. SO why wait till it ends? Why not end things now when i have the chance?
I guess a lot of thoughts have been floating in my mind lately. Maybe because of his wife being suspicious, and him cowering in the corner. Maybe actions speak louder then words, and his actions shouted out and reiterated the fact that he needs her a lot more then he needs me. And subsequently, i guess i looked at what i really wanted in life and i know, a life of secrecy, a life of having to give in to someone all the time, to accomodate his needs, to place his needs above me is not what i want. So, it'll hurt for a while i'll bet. I'm sure it'll hurt.
But time dulls the wounds. I'm sure of that. My blog is a testimony to this idea. After the tears are washed away, after the ache stops hurting, life goes on. Sure it does. I'm sure it does. All i have to do is believe!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
What a joke, have a laugh
I was reading through some of my older post. Basically i was reading through my whole blog. Not out of sheer boredom or frustration. But rather because i was looking for an earlier post. But i couldn't find it. Instead, i read and re read some of the stuff that i wrote in some of my more reflective moments. And as i sit here waiting, willing for the phone to beep, an email to come in, i realise once again that my life, despite me not wanting it to happen has come to a standstill.
But that is not the joke. That is not what you need to laugh about. Remember the poem of the Street? Yes. That street. I'm that idiot walking down that very same street. If you can't remember that, then for easier reference, just go back to the very first post i ever made on this blog. Somewhere in Jan 2005. And history repeats itself all over again.
The joke's really on me. I remember writing. Because i did fall in love.
Anyway, in that old post, if i can vaguely remember, i was also waiting and willing for the phone to ring. I was also sitting in office, worried till death, 100 and 1 thoughts running through my head, me wondering what is going on, have we broken up, are things fine with him. First were the feelings of anxiety. Is is ok? Is everything fine? Did something happen. Then it just goes crazy from there. Is this his way of breaking up with me? Did i finally push over the edge because of what i wrote? Did i in wanting to help him increase his frustrations and confusion. Oh my. I have no idea.
All i can say is, i am in the exact same situation that i was in what, 3 1/2 years back? Story is this. Met a man. Didn't think it was safe to fall in love with him. Didn't want to fall in love with him in fact. Worried that i would get hurt. Fell in love after the sweet nothings and the attention. Started placing more importance in him then any other aspect of my life. Started giving in more and more because i just wanted to be with him. Everytime he pushed, i took a step back. With each step, i suddenly woke up and realised that i had taken so many steps back that i was once again too deep into it.
Suddenly, he has a change of heart, or he isn't as available as he has made himself out to be. Or he says he's confused and lost. Same old same old. Same story, different man. End of the day, the joke's on me. You really can't point a finger at them men. After all, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, same on me. And all i can say at this point is shame on me. For once again, i have choosen to give in to my heart instead of listening to my head like i should have.
But that is not the joke. That is not what you need to laugh about. Remember the poem of the Street? Yes. That street. I'm that idiot walking down that very same street. If you can't remember that, then for easier reference, just go back to the very first post i ever made on this blog. Somewhere in Jan 2005. And history repeats itself all over again.
The joke's really on me. I remember writing. Because i did fall in love.
Anyway, in that old post, if i can vaguely remember, i was also waiting and willing for the phone to ring. I was also sitting in office, worried till death, 100 and 1 thoughts running through my head, me wondering what is going on, have we broken up, are things fine with him. First were the feelings of anxiety. Is is ok? Is everything fine? Did something happen. Then it just goes crazy from there. Is this his way of breaking up with me? Did i finally push over the edge because of what i wrote? Did i in wanting to help him increase his frustrations and confusion. Oh my. I have no idea.
All i can say is, i am in the exact same situation that i was in what, 3 1/2 years back? Story is this. Met a man. Didn't think it was safe to fall in love with him. Didn't want to fall in love with him in fact. Worried that i would get hurt. Fell in love after the sweet nothings and the attention. Started placing more importance in him then any other aspect of my life. Started giving in more and more because i just wanted to be with him. Everytime he pushed, i took a step back. With each step, i suddenly woke up and realised that i had taken so many steps back that i was once again too deep into it.
Suddenly, he has a change of heart, or he isn't as available as he has made himself out to be. Or he says he's confused and lost. Same old same old. Same story, different man. End of the day, the joke's on me. You really can't point a finger at them men. After all, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, same on me. And all i can say at this point is shame on me. For once again, i have choosen to give in to my heart instead of listening to my head like i should have.
My words
Another one of those days that i have been unable to come up with any concrete solutions. In fact, i feel like things have taken a turn for the worse since i have returned back from HK. Sure, life goes on. Sure, at the end of the day, we'll probably look back at all the things we are facing right now and have a good laugh about things and wonder why we were so worried about it in the first. Or we might just end things because it is just too tiring, too pointless to strive to take another step forward when there is nothing infront to look forward to.
I guess in many ways, our relationship is at the stage where we are deciding whether we should take the first step into the desert. What is in the desert? Why would you want to go to the bloody desert for? The trials, the uphill task is just too great even if someone casually mentioned that the view might be spectacular. But the point is this. How can it be verified? At this point of time, we only have a vague idea that if we lug our heavy laden backpacks and set off in the desert, we might find some spectacular sight and at the end of the arduous journey, our efforts, time, sweat,tears would all be paid off. But the question that we have to ask ourselves is this. Is it really wise to take off on a whim and fancy, when end of the day, we might not live to see the setting sun?
That while in the desert, faced with all the adversities and dangers that the desert has in stored, will we die of dehydration, will we run out of food and water, will we lose our way, will we die of heat stroke, will we be devoured by wild animals that roam the desert and if we survive all those, will we see that supposed spectacular sight. Or are the odds so badly stacked against us that we might as well give up right now, laugh about the fact that we once had such a silly dream. A dream that might or might not have worked out and be pleased by the fact that for a while, even if it was a really short while, we transported ourselves from the grim world and life we lived in and managed to indulge in our fantasies?
I guess end of the day, i wouldn't know would i? I also know that i really 动真情 at the end of the day. I suppose there is this chinese saying that i find is a summary of all my relationships till date. 不在乎天长地久，只在乎成经拥有。I guess maybe it's just coz i haven't met the correct guy just yet. I'm sure i will one day. But if i don't, then at least i can say it's better to have loved and to fail then not to have loved at all.
Truth is, i really did fall in love. =)
I guess in many ways, our relationship is at the stage where we are deciding whether we should take the first step into the desert. What is in the desert? Why would you want to go to the bloody desert for? The trials, the uphill task is just too great even if someone casually mentioned that the view might be spectacular. But the point is this. How can it be verified? At this point of time, we only have a vague idea that if we lug our heavy laden backpacks and set off in the desert, we might find some spectacular sight and at the end of the arduous journey, our efforts, time, sweat,tears would all be paid off. But the question that we have to ask ourselves is this. Is it really wise to take off on a whim and fancy, when end of the day, we might not live to see the setting sun?
That while in the desert, faced with all the adversities and dangers that the desert has in stored, will we die of dehydration, will we run out of food and water, will we lose our way, will we die of heat stroke, will we be devoured by wild animals that roam the desert and if we survive all those, will we see that supposed spectacular sight. Or are the odds so badly stacked against us that we might as well give up right now, laugh about the fact that we once had such a silly dream. A dream that might or might not have worked out and be pleased by the fact that for a while, even if it was a really short while, we transported ourselves from the grim world and life we lived in and managed to indulge in our fantasies?
I guess end of the day, i wouldn't know would i? I also know that i really 动真情 at the end of the day. I suppose there is this chinese saying that i find is a summary of all my relationships till date. 不在乎天长地久，只在乎成经拥有。I guess maybe it's just coz i haven't met the correct guy just yet. I'm sure i will one day. But if i don't, then at least i can say it's better to have loved and to fail then not to have loved at all.
Truth is, i really did fall in love. =)
Monday, August 25, 2008
My words to you.
Adversity has always gone both ways. People who go into battles always have two outcomes. They either return from battle dead on their shields or stronger, despite or because of their scars. In short, adversity constantly brings out the best or worst in a person.
I have mentioned once to you that i didn't believe you'll hold out when things got tough. That you'll run at the first sign of danger or problems. You didn't strike me as someone who would fight a battle with me, just because you either didn't have the confidence or didn't believe or love me enough. And yet, as Robert Frost once wrote in my favourite poem, 'two roads diverged in a wood, and I' I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.'
I guess either because of your personality or your sweet words, or the beautiful things that you did for me that no one else has ever done before, i fell in love with you. You wrote me an sms the other that. That was probably the words that rang the loudest in my heart. When i first met you, i was afraid to like you, then i know i like you, i was afraid to love you, and now that i love you, i'm afraid to lose you. I suppose that would probably summarize my feelings of our relationship till date.
I remembered struggling for a while when it came to you. Somehow, you caught my attention. Somehow, you managed to make me believe in chemistry, love. And yet, i often wonder with you, that when the going got tough, would you choose to stay or walk away. I wanted desperately to believe that you truly love me. That love conquers all. And yet, i know that it isn't true. Sometimes love carries us into the abyss, taking with us, to make matters worse, the people we love.
I can understand that the last two days have been tough on you. I cannot stand one side and judge your relationship with her. I suppose for you to be so worried, so upset, so concerned, for you to not be able to stand up to her, you must love and care for her a lot. And you must feel that you need her in your life a lot. That i cannot fault you. For i have known this from the first day we held hands, from the moment we locked lips. But i guess i still chose to walk down that road. The less travelled road, only because i was either naive or stupid enough to believe that you were going to be strong enough for the both of us. But as the weekend drew to a close, i realized that it was once again my silly heart that was finding enough excuses for the both of us.
I told you earlier this evening, that i wasn't angry with you. I am seldom angry with the person i date when things don't work out well. In general, i am probably a little more upset with myself for once again letting my heart rule over my head. Disappointed in my ability to read a person. Upset that my judgement could once again be so wrong. But in the two days, i waited patiently for you to give me a reassuring sign. If you believe that a woman who is so madly in love with you could be so nonchalant about the things that have gone on, then, either you did not understand and feel the overwhelming love i have for you, or you merely do not understand me as a person. Or maybe, in your eyes, i was always secondary. Something that could have been easily discarded and disposed of when the going got tough. You can't measure love the way you can the length of a road or the height of a building.
The emotions that i have gone through in the last 48 hrs have been torturous. From the moment she called while i was sitting next to you in the car, from having to call her to tell her it was all a misunderstanding, from you barely smsing me, from you leaving club to go home and the only words you had for me was don't sms or call me when i'm home. And the hardest of all was having to put on a smiling face in front of you and having to reassure you, when i needed just as much reassurance myself. I asked you to put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would want me to do. But for the whole weekend, you gave me no indication. Merely telling me to not text you or call you. I was sad when a couple of times, i texted you to tell you i loved you, that as long as i know you love me, i was willing to stand by you, waiting for you to give me back something reassuring, you didn't. And i was left to wonder whether you truly cared. I can only go on even if it doesn't make sense and to trust in you when you have given me an indication and talked to me about things. And yet, in front of you, i have had to pretend. To put on a mask to hide my sadness so as not to worry those who love me and care about me.
Yes, i know that you said you didn't want to agitate her. And i would have gladly told you to spend the evening with her tonight if you had just taken my hand, given me a hug and tell me that no matter what, i'll still be your little princess, your darling, your lao por. That you would find a way through this mess to make things work. But i felt like for the last 48 hrs, you gave me the impression that you were only thinking about your own plans, and that i was non privy to them and not included in them. The truth is this. Unless you stand up for us, i cannot do so. But if even there is a slightest doubt about us, then, we might as well kiss goodbye now.
Coz my point is this, once she is suspicious, she will be for a long time. It is a very woman thing. I can only pray hard that you think that you understand her well enough to know that her actions today will not be her actions in the future. Because if it is, and you keep caving, then i obviously walked down a wrong road.
I'm not leaving you on your own. I've said, as long as i know you still want me by your side, i will never walk away. I can say with confidence because i know that is the way i deal with matters of the heart. However, your words and your actions have to be one. You see, end of the day, i am still just a woman. I am still just waiting for the man i love and who loves me to take care of me, to protect me. To hold me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be ok. Then, i can actually believe that things are fine. But if even you are not sure, then pray tell, who do i turn to?
I have mentioned once to you that i didn't believe you'll hold out when things got tough. That you'll run at the first sign of danger or problems. You didn't strike me as someone who would fight a battle with me, just because you either didn't have the confidence or didn't believe or love me enough. And yet, as Robert Frost once wrote in my favourite poem, 'two roads diverged in a wood, and I' I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.'
I guess either because of your personality or your sweet words, or the beautiful things that you did for me that no one else has ever done before, i fell in love with you. You wrote me an sms the other that. That was probably the words that rang the loudest in my heart. When i first met you, i was afraid to like you, then i know i like you, i was afraid to love you, and now that i love you, i'm afraid to lose you. I suppose that would probably summarize my feelings of our relationship till date.
I remembered struggling for a while when it came to you. Somehow, you caught my attention. Somehow, you managed to make me believe in chemistry, love. And yet, i often wonder with you, that when the going got tough, would you choose to stay or walk away. I wanted desperately to believe that you truly love me. That love conquers all. And yet, i know that it isn't true. Sometimes love carries us into the abyss, taking with us, to make matters worse, the people we love.
I can understand that the last two days have been tough on you. I cannot stand one side and judge your relationship with her. I suppose for you to be so worried, so upset, so concerned, for you to not be able to stand up to her, you must love and care for her a lot. And you must feel that you need her in your life a lot. That i cannot fault you. For i have known this from the first day we held hands, from the moment we locked lips. But i guess i still chose to walk down that road. The less travelled road, only because i was either naive or stupid enough to believe that you were going to be strong enough for the both of us. But as the weekend drew to a close, i realized that it was once again my silly heart that was finding enough excuses for the both of us.
I told you earlier this evening, that i wasn't angry with you. I am seldom angry with the person i date when things don't work out well. In general, i am probably a little more upset with myself for once again letting my heart rule over my head. Disappointed in my ability to read a person. Upset that my judgement could once again be so wrong. But in the two days, i waited patiently for you to give me a reassuring sign. If you believe that a woman who is so madly in love with you could be so nonchalant about the things that have gone on, then, either you did not understand and feel the overwhelming love i have for you, or you merely do not understand me as a person. Or maybe, in your eyes, i was always secondary. Something that could have been easily discarded and disposed of when the going got tough. You can't measure love the way you can the length of a road or the height of a building.
The emotions that i have gone through in the last 48 hrs have been torturous. From the moment she called while i was sitting next to you in the car, from having to call her to tell her it was all a misunderstanding, from you barely smsing me, from you leaving club to go home and the only words you had for me was don't sms or call me when i'm home. And the hardest of all was having to put on a smiling face in front of you and having to reassure you, when i needed just as much reassurance myself. I asked you to put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would want me to do. But for the whole weekend, you gave me no indication. Merely telling me to not text you or call you. I was sad when a couple of times, i texted you to tell you i loved you, that as long as i know you love me, i was willing to stand by you, waiting for you to give me back something reassuring, you didn't. And i was left to wonder whether you truly cared. I can only go on even if it doesn't make sense and to trust in you when you have given me an indication and talked to me about things. And yet, in front of you, i have had to pretend. To put on a mask to hide my sadness so as not to worry those who love me and care about me.
Yes, i know that you said you didn't want to agitate her. And i would have gladly told you to spend the evening with her tonight if you had just taken my hand, given me a hug and tell me that no matter what, i'll still be your little princess, your darling, your lao por. That you would find a way through this mess to make things work. But i felt like for the last 48 hrs, you gave me the impression that you were only thinking about your own plans, and that i was non privy to them and not included in them. The truth is this. Unless you stand up for us, i cannot do so. But if even there is a slightest doubt about us, then, we might as well kiss goodbye now.
Coz my point is this, once she is suspicious, she will be for a long time. It is a very woman thing. I can only pray hard that you think that you understand her well enough to know that her actions today will not be her actions in the future. Because if it is, and you keep caving, then i obviously walked down a wrong road.
I'm not leaving you on your own. I've said, as long as i know you still want me by your side, i will never walk away. I can say with confidence because i know that is the way i deal with matters of the heart. However, your words and your actions have to be one. You see, end of the day, i am still just a woman. I am still just waiting for the man i love and who loves me to take care of me, to protect me. To hold me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be ok. Then, i can actually believe that things are fine. But if even you are not sure, then pray tell, who do i turn to?
Saturday, July 05, 2008
To love or be loved?
This is a multi-million dollar question that none of us will ever have the answer for. Undeniably, the best situation which promises the only happiness according to George Sand would be to love and be loved at the very same time. If given no choice, would you rather love somebody or to be loved?
The irony of life probably prevents you from choosing either because the perfect happiness is unrealisable. John Templeton once said - Happiness comes from giving, not getting. If we try hard to bring happiness to others, we cannot stop it from coming to us also. As a general rule, I wouldn't deny the truth in this sentence but when it applies to the minute portions of our lives, I start to wonder if we're actually happy to keep giving and not sense any form of appreciation. To be able to reciprocate with a higher level of gift, I believe there should be some sincerity and genuineness in the receiving end.
Is being loved the same as feeling wanted affectionately?
Eventually, happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. All I want is to be happy.
The irony of life probably prevents you from choosing either because the perfect happiness is unrealisable. John Templeton once said - Happiness comes from giving, not getting. If we try hard to bring happiness to others, we cannot stop it from coming to us also. As a general rule, I wouldn't deny the truth in this sentence but when it applies to the minute portions of our lives, I start to wonder if we're actually happy to keep giving and not sense any form of appreciation. To be able to reciprocate with a higher level of gift, I believe there should be some sincerity and genuineness in the receiving end.
Is being loved the same as feeling wanted affectionately?
Eventually, happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. All I want is to be happy.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Happy Birthday Granduncle
Nope, my granduncle does not read my blog! But he celebrated his birthday yesterday considering it's past midnite now. His birthday is on the 2 of May. Every year, our birthdays are just 2 days apart, but the age gap that we have is huge. While i just turned 28, granduncle turned 92 yesterday! So he's more then half a century older then me.
But what made granduncle's birthday so unique and special this year was coz no one shared my optimism that he would live to turn 92. He has been in the hospice since 4 April this year. And on my birthday, the doctors called to say he had fits and gave him 24 hrs to live. On Labour day, the whole family gathered at the hospice to see him and spend some time with him. But i was certain that he would not give up. And i was right! Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!
I spent a lot more time with granduncle when i was a kid. Less after i grew up. It was all pretty complicated. My grandmother is adopted. So granduncle is her brother through adoption. And through adoption, grandma had 5 siblings. There was only 1 that we were quite close to, auntie Margaret who passed away about 10 years ago. And that was when the whole family in Singapore stopped hanging out and spending time together. Auntie Margaret was a wonderful woman who always opened up her house for us to hang out at and for the kids to get together to play. Every year, i would look forward to visiting her on Chinese New Year as i get to see all my cousins and family from Singapore. But after she passed away, no one bothered to hold celebrations or get the family together any more. You could say she was the pillar that held the family together.
Then, when granduncle went to hospital, it was the first time that the whole family met up after Auntie Margaret passed away. And while granduncle struggled to live, he pulled everyone closer together! There were calls from cousins to aunties to uncles. Calls between brothers who never speak to each other. It's funny how this 1 man, who never ever got married, who never had children, managed to bring the whole family back together. Although it probably would have been better if everyone had gathered under different circumstances, there was no denying that the tumor in granduncle's head made everyone in the family realise that we've probably only got each other. And the petty fights that the older generation had and the grudges that have been kept for so long were all pointless when one was facing death in the face. And i suppose that's what being a family means =)
Time really flies. And it has only been a couple of months since granduncle was first admitted to the hospital. And today, when i saw him, he was not even awake enough for me to wish him Happy birthday personally. He was asleep the whole time i was there. I tried talking to him, but he never woke. Which is weird coz granduncle is the most chatty man i've known. And he has a great memory. But today, i saw him lying in bed, and realised just how much he has aged. And just how fast the tumor was eating him alive.
Granduncle probably won't last many more days as they have stopped feeding him. But i guess there is a silver lining to every cloud. And it was through this adversity that brought the whole family together again and started talking with each other.
Happy Birthday to you Granduncle! And thanks for drawing everyone back together =)
But what made granduncle's birthday so unique and special this year was coz no one shared my optimism that he would live to turn 92. He has been in the hospice since 4 April this year. And on my birthday, the doctors called to say he had fits and gave him 24 hrs to live. On Labour day, the whole family gathered at the hospice to see him and spend some time with him. But i was certain that he would not give up. And i was right! Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!
I spent a lot more time with granduncle when i was a kid. Less after i grew up. It was all pretty complicated. My grandmother is adopted. So granduncle is her brother through adoption. And through adoption, grandma had 5 siblings. There was only 1 that we were quite close to, auntie Margaret who passed away about 10 years ago. And that was when the whole family in Singapore stopped hanging out and spending time together. Auntie Margaret was a wonderful woman who always opened up her house for us to hang out at and for the kids to get together to play. Every year, i would look forward to visiting her on Chinese New Year as i get to see all my cousins and family from Singapore. But after she passed away, no one bothered to hold celebrations or get the family together any more. You could say she was the pillar that held the family together.
Then, when granduncle went to hospital, it was the first time that the whole family met up after Auntie Margaret passed away. And while granduncle struggled to live, he pulled everyone closer together! There were calls from cousins to aunties to uncles. Calls between brothers who never speak to each other. It's funny how this 1 man, who never ever got married, who never had children, managed to bring the whole family back together. Although it probably would have been better if everyone had gathered under different circumstances, there was no denying that the tumor in granduncle's head made everyone in the family realise that we've probably only got each other. And the petty fights that the older generation had and the grudges that have been kept for so long were all pointless when one was facing death in the face. And i suppose that's what being a family means =)
Time really flies. And it has only been a couple of months since granduncle was first admitted to the hospital. And today, when i saw him, he was not even awake enough for me to wish him Happy birthday personally. He was asleep the whole time i was there. I tried talking to him, but he never woke. Which is weird coz granduncle is the most chatty man i've known. And he has a great memory. But today, i saw him lying in bed, and realised just how much he has aged. And just how fast the tumor was eating him alive.
Granduncle probably won't last many more days as they have stopped feeding him. But i guess there is a silver lining to every cloud. And it was through this adversity that brought the whole family together again and started talking with each other.
Happy Birthday to you Granduncle! And thanks for drawing everyone back together =)
Friday, February 29, 2008
Hmmmm
Obviously i can't think of a title for this post. So decided to name it hmmm.
Have been so tired and exhausted lately. Don't feel like working out, don't feel like doing anything. My favorite activity involves my bed, my pillow and me on it. Sigh. So, basically, up till today, for this week, i have not done anything other then to go for a 21km cycle. Which is damn sad lah.
So, today, i told myself that no matter how tired i felt, no matter, how not in the mood i felt, i must go and work out. So hit the pool, albeit reluctantly, and swam. Didn't finish my workout, did half of it. In worse times then last week. Which is bad. Seems the slacking has turned into a 10s lag time in each lap. Anyway, i think i could have finished the workout if i had planned my time better, ie. got out of the house earlier so i could complete the workout. But i didn't i was half minded about swimming, so only left the house and got to the pool with about 50 mins left to swim. Decided to do a ladder workout, 100m, 200m, 300m, 400m, 500m. That would have made it 1500m. But i ended up doing 200m short. Hee. actually, the work out was supposed to be after the 500m, then back down to 100m. which would mean a 2.5km swim. That's why i said i think i did about half the workout. Oh well....
Went running in the evening. And today while running, i had to relearn another lesson. Make hay while the sun shines. Stop procrastinating and stop being so lazy. was supposed to do the 11km run to Bishan park and back from TP Safra. But, because it started raining halfway, only ended up doing 8.5km. And it was a horrid 8.5km. Run pace was slower then last thur's 11km run. So basically, the lack of training all week has not helped me in any way, only to ensure that i would once again have to struggle up.
Still thinking of what goals i want to set for the Singapore Biathlon this Saturday. Haven't really figured it out yet. My timing for the NUS biathlon was actually better then i expected. Half worried that i wouldn't even be able to come close to that timing. Since the distance at NUS biathlon was actually 1km short. Hmmmm
I received a cd today. Was watching myself on tv. Seems i took part in some kiddy show while i was a kid, 5 yrs old. It was hilarious. The short clip was approximately 20mins long. And i think i spent 20 mins laughing non stop at myself. But i observed some things about myself through that short 20mins session.
1) I always made funny actions to divert attention away from the fact that i was shy or uncomfortable.
2) I had a very short attention span as a kid, got bored easily.
3) I was constantly in a world of my own when activities were boring
4) I was very competitive as a 5 year old
5) My people skills were horrid
6) I wasn't very smart
7) I wasn't very cute
Alright, these were some of the things i observed. So i guess, at 5, i was pretty much made for life already. Only no. 5 seems to have changed slightly over the years. The rest, pretty much still about the same. Damn.. And here i was thinking i was smart... Hmmm
Anyway, while we were watching the clip, Dad, Mum and I, mum was going on and on telling me what a rotten kid i was. That i was always really playful, rebellious, and probably a rather great troublemaker. That kidergarten teachers complained non stop about me. That while we were supposed to be sleeping, i would be up and about, trying to talk to other children, or 'disturbing' them as mum put it. Hey, i was just trying to be friendly... =P I guess the talkative part was cultivated really early...
Then she went on to tell me that i was never really keen about school. Never bother to pack my school bag before bed, always forgetting books and having to get Dad to send it to school, always forgetting to finish school assignments, didn't want to study for spelling and dictation. So i guess, for such a playful child, i did pretty alright through primary school. I suppose in today's context, i would probably have been labelled a troublemaker. No wonder in my short stint as a teacher, i had so many of these kids. Guess it's really true when they say what goes around, comes around. Ha...
Anyway, if not for the fact that Dad asked Mum to head to bed, i'm sure she could have gone on non stop as to what a troublesome kid, playful kid, naughty child i was. But, i guess i turned out alright after all. =) Oh, and my size, i was already taller then the rest of the children at 5. So, that's probably genetics. Nature. The rest... Still thinking whether its nature or nurture...
5)
Have been so tired and exhausted lately. Don't feel like working out, don't feel like doing anything. My favorite activity involves my bed, my pillow and me on it. Sigh. So, basically, up till today, for this week, i have not done anything other then to go for a 21km cycle. Which is damn sad lah.
So, today, i told myself that no matter how tired i felt, no matter, how not in the mood i felt, i must go and work out. So hit the pool, albeit reluctantly, and swam. Didn't finish my workout, did half of it. In worse times then last week. Which is bad. Seems the slacking has turned into a 10s lag time in each lap. Anyway, i think i could have finished the workout if i had planned my time better, ie. got out of the house earlier so i could complete the workout. But i didn't i was half minded about swimming, so only left the house and got to the pool with about 50 mins left to swim. Decided to do a ladder workout, 100m, 200m, 300m, 400m, 500m. That would have made it 1500m. But i ended up doing 200m short. Hee. actually, the work out was supposed to be after the 500m, then back down to 100m. which would mean a 2.5km swim. That's why i said i think i did about half the workout. Oh well....
Went running in the evening. And today while running, i had to relearn another lesson. Make hay while the sun shines. Stop procrastinating and stop being so lazy. was supposed to do the 11km run to Bishan park and back from TP Safra. But, because it started raining halfway, only ended up doing 8.5km. And it was a horrid 8.5km. Run pace was slower then last thur's 11km run. So basically, the lack of training all week has not helped me in any way, only to ensure that i would once again have to struggle up.
Still thinking of what goals i want to set for the Singapore Biathlon this Saturday. Haven't really figured it out yet. My timing for the NUS biathlon was actually better then i expected. Half worried that i wouldn't even be able to come close to that timing. Since the distance at NUS biathlon was actually 1km short. Hmmmm
I received a cd today. Was watching myself on tv. Seems i took part in some kiddy show while i was a kid, 5 yrs old. It was hilarious. The short clip was approximately 20mins long. And i think i spent 20 mins laughing non stop at myself. But i observed some things about myself through that short 20mins session.
1) I always made funny actions to divert attention away from the fact that i was shy or uncomfortable.
2) I had a very short attention span as a kid, got bored easily.
3) I was constantly in a world of my own when activities were boring
4) I was very competitive as a 5 year old
5) My people skills were horrid
6) I wasn't very smart
7) I wasn't very cute
Alright, these were some of the things i observed. So i guess, at 5, i was pretty much made for life already. Only no. 5 seems to have changed slightly over the years. The rest, pretty much still about the same. Damn.. And here i was thinking i was smart... Hmmm
Anyway, while we were watching the clip, Dad, Mum and I, mum was going on and on telling me what a rotten kid i was. That i was always really playful, rebellious, and probably a rather great troublemaker. That kidergarten teachers complained non stop about me. That while we were supposed to be sleeping, i would be up and about, trying to talk to other children, or 'disturbing' them as mum put it. Hey, i was just trying to be friendly... =P I guess the talkative part was cultivated really early...
Then she went on to tell me that i was never really keen about school. Never bother to pack my school bag before bed, always forgetting books and having to get Dad to send it to school, always forgetting to finish school assignments, didn't want to study for spelling and dictation. So i guess, for such a playful child, i did pretty alright through primary school. I suppose in today's context, i would probably have been labelled a troublemaker. No wonder in my short stint as a teacher, i had so many of these kids. Guess it's really true when they say what goes around, comes around. Ha...
Anyway, if not for the fact that Dad asked Mum to head to bed, i'm sure she could have gone on non stop as to what a troublesome kid, playful kid, naughty child i was. But, i guess i turned out alright after all. =) Oh, and my size, i was already taller then the rest of the children at 5. So, that's probably genetics. Nature. The rest... Still thinking whether its nature or nurture...
5)
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