WHO WILL YOU BE TOMORROW?
Steve Goodier
One man sat at a stop light. The woman in front of him was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she didn't go. A green light is not a suggestion, you know, it is more of a commandment. But she didn't notice. When the light turned red again, she still had not moved. The man in the car behind her now started screaming epithets and beating on his steering wheel.
A policeman tapped on his windshield. "You can't arrest me for hollering in my car," the man said. The cop asked for his license and registration, returned to his car, talked on the radio for a while, and finally handed the papers back. The driver protested, "I knew you couldn't cite me for yelling in my own car!"
The officer replied, "I didn't want to cite you for shouting in your car. But I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, 'That man is out of control. He's going to hurt someone!' Then I noticed the cross hanging from your rear view mirror, the bright yellow 'Love Is a Choice' license tag, the 'Give Peace a Chance' and 'Prayer Changes Things' bumper stickers, and I was sure you must have stolen the car."
His behavior did not reflect his bumper stickers. But let's not be too critical. Are we always the people we want to be?
We make changes by stretching. Personal transformation can happen when the person we presently are does not yet resemble the person we hope to be. Better to set high ideals and occasionally fall short than to settle for mediocrity and succeed.
The important question is not, "Who are you today?" It is better to ask, "Who will you be tomorrow?"
Remember: if nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Phone Call
Today, i was in office when my hp rang. It was an overseas call and it was definately unfamiliar. But being the monkey that i was, i decided to pick it up. Well, actually i confess, i tot it was him calling, and so i picked it up. Imagine my shock when it was some girl, asking for me. First thought that ran through my mind was, who do i know? And she introduced herself, said she was his gf. And then panic hit me. Did something happen to him? Was he alright? And then, she started questioning me, asking me who i was, and how i was related to him. And i knew. This was the phone call that i had dreaded all along.
Funnily enough, i never expected that it would come from his gf. At the back of my mind, i always thought Guardian's wife would be the one that gave me the dreaded call. Maybe albeit the bochup attitude that i've come to adopt over the past few years, that since i'm single, i'm entitled to go out with and date anyone, i realised that deep down, i haven't changed. That somewhere beneath all the stuff i've thrown over the old me, its still lurking somewhere beneath.
I told her i was his buddy and brother. I so very much wanted to say, hey, i'm simply adore him and if you're stupid enough to give him up and if he would even give me a second look, i'll be more then willing to take your place. And yet, i knew i could not do it. Because, each time i talk to him, i hear his love for her.And each time i talk to him, i know that i don't even stand a chance to him. That sometimes, things are just not meant to be coz there is no chemistry. And for that, i respect that its what he wants and desires. And when you get what you want and desire, you will usually be happy. And i guess, bottom line is, i wanted him to be happy. So, i did the right thing, told her i was his buddy/brother and told her he loved her a lot. And i guess in a certain perverse way, that wasn't all that false. He does treat me like a buddy. Maybe the brother part is pushing it, more like sister. And i definately didn't lie when i said he loved her a lot.
And then, she started crying and said that she loves him dearly and that all she needed to know from the phone call was whether he was a decent man and whether he was lying to her. And i reassured her. And she cried even more. It tore my heart to hear the anguish in her voice. Coz i know i was there before. And so i said all the things that i would have said. About trying to work things out, calling him, trusting him, coz if she's there and he's here, then trust would feature greatly. And i apologized that my sms to him in the middle of the night started their fight. And i stood up for his character. And considering the short time i've known him, i guess that was a stretch. You know i suck at lying.
Anyway, she told me it was over. And started sobbing again. And when she finally stopped, she said thank you for listening and understanding and put down the phone.
Honestly, if you ask me, i felt miserable. I felt that somehow, my actions have caused a dear friend of mine his loss of happiness. And i know that i've moved away from Guardian already, but it made me think that i've become the very person that i didn't want to be. I never went near a man if i knew he was attached or dating someone. I'll probably keep two arms length away from him to avoid having a misunderstanding with his wife, And here i was, sleeping with the enemy. And giving myself silly and petty excuses as to why i do it. And then, i meet a really nice and charming friend, and within 3 weeks of knowing him, ruins his life long happiness with a woman he loves.
I smsed him to apologize. Of course being the sweet guy he was, he said it wasn't my fault. And that he was sorry. How could he be sorry to me when if i had kept my itchy fingers to myself, or had more self restraint, none of this fight would have occurred? We talked for a while coz he called, and i'm just glad he was fine. Coz she told me he left her in the morning and they parted ways. And i was worried i guess. Admist feeling bad about spoiling their relationship, i was truly worried about him. Coz i felt the trip must have meant a lot to him, especially since he flew off the next day after returning from a working trip. And because she meant so much, i really feel like i should try to help him win her back. Simply coz i feel that he is a special man. But what can i do? I feel quite at a loss really.
I just hope he is fine and that he is not too sad about the break up. Or that if things work out, they had a talk and she would try harder to bring happiness to him. But i guess i still feel bad.. only coz i remembered a phone conversation we had once. And he said if i really cared about someone, i would not want to put him in a spot. And it was those very words that made me decide with conviction that things between Guardian and i have been going on for way too long. And that i never want to hurt him by carrying our relationship coz in the end, both he and his wife would be hurt. And then, here i care about this man. And i have indirectly caused his hurt and pain. Oh well, guess i would just have sleep on it. And if he calls when he returns, then i know he has forgiven me and still accepts me as a friend.
Cheers
Funnily enough, i never expected that it would come from his gf. At the back of my mind, i always thought Guardian's wife would be the one that gave me the dreaded call. Maybe albeit the bochup attitude that i've come to adopt over the past few years, that since i'm single, i'm entitled to go out with and date anyone, i realised that deep down, i haven't changed. That somewhere beneath all the stuff i've thrown over the old me, its still lurking somewhere beneath.
I told her i was his buddy and brother. I so very much wanted to say, hey, i'm simply adore him and if you're stupid enough to give him up and if he would even give me a second look, i'll be more then willing to take your place. And yet, i knew i could not do it. Because, each time i talk to him, i hear his love for her.And each time i talk to him, i know that i don't even stand a chance to him. That sometimes, things are just not meant to be coz there is no chemistry. And for that, i respect that its what he wants and desires. And when you get what you want and desire, you will usually be happy. And i guess, bottom line is, i wanted him to be happy. So, i did the right thing, told her i was his buddy/brother and told her he loved her a lot. And i guess in a certain perverse way, that wasn't all that false. He does treat me like a buddy. Maybe the brother part is pushing it, more like sister. And i definately didn't lie when i said he loved her a lot.
And then, she started crying and said that she loves him dearly and that all she needed to know from the phone call was whether he was a decent man and whether he was lying to her. And i reassured her. And she cried even more. It tore my heart to hear the anguish in her voice. Coz i know i was there before. And so i said all the things that i would have said. About trying to work things out, calling him, trusting him, coz if she's there and he's here, then trust would feature greatly. And i apologized that my sms to him in the middle of the night started their fight. And i stood up for his character. And considering the short time i've known him, i guess that was a stretch. You know i suck at lying.
Anyway, she told me it was over. And started sobbing again. And when she finally stopped, she said thank you for listening and understanding and put down the phone.
Honestly, if you ask me, i felt miserable. I felt that somehow, my actions have caused a dear friend of mine his loss of happiness. And i know that i've moved away from Guardian already, but it made me think that i've become the very person that i didn't want to be. I never went near a man if i knew he was attached or dating someone. I'll probably keep two arms length away from him to avoid having a misunderstanding with his wife, And here i was, sleeping with the enemy. And giving myself silly and petty excuses as to why i do it. And then, i meet a really nice and charming friend, and within 3 weeks of knowing him, ruins his life long happiness with a woman he loves.
I smsed him to apologize. Of course being the sweet guy he was, he said it wasn't my fault. And that he was sorry. How could he be sorry to me when if i had kept my itchy fingers to myself, or had more self restraint, none of this fight would have occurred? We talked for a while coz he called, and i'm just glad he was fine. Coz she told me he left her in the morning and they parted ways. And i was worried i guess. Admist feeling bad about spoiling their relationship, i was truly worried about him. Coz i felt the trip must have meant a lot to him, especially since he flew off the next day after returning from a working trip. And because she meant so much, i really feel like i should try to help him win her back. Simply coz i feel that he is a special man. But what can i do? I feel quite at a loss really.
I just hope he is fine and that he is not too sad about the break up. Or that if things work out, they had a talk and she would try harder to bring happiness to him. But i guess i still feel bad.. only coz i remembered a phone conversation we had once. And he said if i really cared about someone, i would not want to put him in a spot. And it was those very words that made me decide with conviction that things between Guardian and i have been going on for way too long. And that i never want to hurt him by carrying our relationship coz in the end, both he and his wife would be hurt. And then, here i care about this man. And i have indirectly caused his hurt and pain. Oh well, guess i would just have sleep on it. And if he calls when he returns, then i know he has forgiven me and still accepts me as a friend.
Cheers
Sunday, June 11, 2006
The men in my life?
I'm back. Guess the last post wasn't my last after all. Feels kinda weird not blogging. In fact, i actually miss blogging quite a bit. Maybe in some ways, blogging is cathartic? Who am i to dispute that?
Well, what spurred this on? I guess a series of events that set a ball rolling. A ball that i'm not even sure i have the strength to stop of even want to stop. Let's start with something that happened recently and move backwards.
I went on a date yesterday. An actual date, lunch, movie and all. And i guess in a way, it was quite a disappointment. You see, for so long now, i've been wanting to go watch a movie with Tour Guide. And surprisingly, i walked out of the movie not feeling anything. Not feeling any more special or less special. Not feeling like i was actually out on a date. Maybe somewhere deep down, my feelings for him have turned passive. Or maybe, somehow in the course of this journey, i've begun to view him as a buddy. I'm not even certain whether it was a sigh of relieve that i can finally move on, or maybe the numerous disappointments from him that have made my heart decide to let go and move on. Whichever the case, i know i will always have a soft spot for him and i guess, i never thought i'll care so deeply ever about another man. He made me see that it was possible.
That aside, two weeks back, i met another man. It was a rather explosive sort of relationship. Nah.. Not love at first sight. I wouldn't even call it lust. Maybe just two strangers, burdened with a feeling of falling out of love. But i must admit he was a sweet guy. If there was a way to describe my feelings when i was out with him, it was that of a little princess. Yup. You're going to say there i am once again in my fantasy world. But that was how he made me feel. In his own way, he made me feel safe, and for a moment i actually contemplated the fact that there could be more between us. And yet, i knew that as soon as i woke up from this dream, i would see it as it was. It was a dream... In my warped mind, i must say i feel a bond and closeness to him. Maybe coz its been ages since i've ever felt the need to share about Guardian to any of the men that i was with. I've always been able to put this wall up, put this front up and if things didn't work out, walk away knowing i have Guardian by my side. And yet, this person, came along, and i wanted to open up to him. Maybe it really is about timing. Maybe all these dreams i've been having, is m unconscious telling me that i need to be congruent soon or i'll lose my mind. Somehow, this one man evoke really strong feelings within me. There is this rational part of me that tells me that this man will hurt me deeply if i choose to open up myself to him. And yet, against my better judgement, i did.
So whats happening with this man and me? Well, truth be told, i'm half minded whether i want him to contact me again. He's gone off for work overseas. And he will return. A part of me wishes he will never call or sms me again. And then, i can choose to walk away, knowing that he was no different from any of the other men that i've dated. And there is a part of me that wishes he will call or sms and tell me things between him and his ex are over and that there was a possibility of things happening. Between the two, i'll choose the former. Coz i know he has the power to hurt me terribly. Unlike tour guide, i feel a sense of peace and security with him, and i know just how complicated and tough walking away would be.
He called me the pessimist. And truth be told, maybe i am. You know what i really would like to do? I would like to keep people away from my heart. coz i'm so scared of being hurt. One day, when i find my prince charming, i know i will not feel this way.
Then there is this issue of Guardian and me. For some reason, i can feel it slowly dying. We spoke the other day. And i know i don't want to be involved any longer. I want to be me. I want to do things, to go out and push those boundaries. To go ahead and release the walls the tower me when we broke off and started this illicit relationship 6 years ago. Maybe what i told him a long time ago is the truth. That i'm a free spirited person and cannot be caged up. For 10 years, i've been in this cage, and its time to walk out now the cage door is open. For years, i was so afraid. So scared that i'll not know where to go or what to do. And yet, a silent yearning me is asking, what was so bad about walking out. Don't you still want to see the world?
And funnily, i'm not sad about leaving. In fact, i'm rather excited. In the last two weeks, i think i've achieved more then i've achieved in the last 6 years. And i know that it could only have happened because i allowed it to. Because for once, i wanted to see what else i was capable of. I didn't want to be that someone who was looking in from the garden window. I want to be in that secret garden....
Well, what spurred this on? I guess a series of events that set a ball rolling. A ball that i'm not even sure i have the strength to stop of even want to stop. Let's start with something that happened recently and move backwards.
I went on a date yesterday. An actual date, lunch, movie and all. And i guess in a way, it was quite a disappointment. You see, for so long now, i've been wanting to go watch a movie with Tour Guide. And surprisingly, i walked out of the movie not feeling anything. Not feeling any more special or less special. Not feeling like i was actually out on a date. Maybe somewhere deep down, my feelings for him have turned passive. Or maybe, somehow in the course of this journey, i've begun to view him as a buddy. I'm not even certain whether it was a sigh of relieve that i can finally move on, or maybe the numerous disappointments from him that have made my heart decide to let go and move on. Whichever the case, i know i will always have a soft spot for him and i guess, i never thought i'll care so deeply ever about another man. He made me see that it was possible.
That aside, two weeks back, i met another man. It was a rather explosive sort of relationship. Nah.. Not love at first sight. I wouldn't even call it lust. Maybe just two strangers, burdened with a feeling of falling out of love. But i must admit he was a sweet guy. If there was a way to describe my feelings when i was out with him, it was that of a little princess. Yup. You're going to say there i am once again in my fantasy world. But that was how he made me feel. In his own way, he made me feel safe, and for a moment i actually contemplated the fact that there could be more between us. And yet, i knew that as soon as i woke up from this dream, i would see it as it was. It was a dream... In my warped mind, i must say i feel a bond and closeness to him. Maybe coz its been ages since i've ever felt the need to share about Guardian to any of the men that i was with. I've always been able to put this wall up, put this front up and if things didn't work out, walk away knowing i have Guardian by my side. And yet, this person, came along, and i wanted to open up to him. Maybe it really is about timing. Maybe all these dreams i've been having, is m unconscious telling me that i need to be congruent soon or i'll lose my mind. Somehow, this one man evoke really strong feelings within me. There is this rational part of me that tells me that this man will hurt me deeply if i choose to open up myself to him. And yet, against my better judgement, i did.
So whats happening with this man and me? Well, truth be told, i'm half minded whether i want him to contact me again. He's gone off for work overseas. And he will return. A part of me wishes he will never call or sms me again. And then, i can choose to walk away, knowing that he was no different from any of the other men that i've dated. And there is a part of me that wishes he will call or sms and tell me things between him and his ex are over and that there was a possibility of things happening. Between the two, i'll choose the former. Coz i know he has the power to hurt me terribly. Unlike tour guide, i feel a sense of peace and security with him, and i know just how complicated and tough walking away would be.
He called me the pessimist. And truth be told, maybe i am. You know what i really would like to do? I would like to keep people away from my heart. coz i'm so scared of being hurt. One day, when i find my prince charming, i know i will not feel this way.
Then there is this issue of Guardian and me. For some reason, i can feel it slowly dying. We spoke the other day. And i know i don't want to be involved any longer. I want to be me. I want to do things, to go out and push those boundaries. To go ahead and release the walls the tower me when we broke off and started this illicit relationship 6 years ago. Maybe what i told him a long time ago is the truth. That i'm a free spirited person and cannot be caged up. For 10 years, i've been in this cage, and its time to walk out now the cage door is open. For years, i was so afraid. So scared that i'll not know where to go or what to do. And yet, a silent yearning me is asking, what was so bad about walking out. Don't you still want to see the world?
And funnily, i'm not sad about leaving. In fact, i'm rather excited. In the last two weeks, i think i've achieved more then i've achieved in the last 6 years. And i know that it could only have happened because i allowed it to. Because for once, i wanted to see what else i was capable of. I didn't want to be that someone who was looking in from the garden window. I want to be in that secret garden....
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