Feeling damn emo and grouchy today. So decided to post a little. The day started well and bright. Was up early despite a late night out. Woke up with more then sufficient time to spare to take my own sweet time to go to work. Reached work before morning meeting, so still considered early. Somehow, the day seemed to go downhill from there.
I really don't know at which part it started to turn. Or maybe it's just my reaction to him.. Or his lack of action, emotions on his part. Ok... I know it really has been a while and i so damn well should have moved on and all.. but i still look forward to seeing him.. And it's been such a routine lately that when it is changed, i get thrown off and uncomfortable.
Honestly i'm damn glad for him. He's been doing so well lately and i wish i could be doing as well as him or even better. Or maybe if i really did focus, i would. But i can't help but want to see him and spend time with him. I wish i was stronger and better then that.. but unfortunately i'm not.
It'll be a lie to say that once i hit club 30s, i'll let go and move on. I can't deal with this any longer. I really don't have the will power and strength to pretend. I can't. I give up. And maybe that is a good thing. Because at some point, i know i'm the sort that has to be so disheartened that i give up. And then, there will be no more looking back.... Sighz..,. i really need to find my life back.. just don't know where to start and where the hell it went... =(
Monday, April 19, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
One year on......
Its been 6 months since the last post and one year since the post before the last! N I am blogging off my iPhone.
Can't quite place my finger on things but suddenly had a strong inclination to blog... To juz let my thoughts and feelings run with the words that flow in this post. A little update first on life in general if there is still any followings on this page of mine.. Still in the same job although thoughts of moving to another bank did fritter cross my mind. But despite the fact that I don't quite appreciate my direct boss and she probably doesn't appreciate me too, the decision was to stay n just be focused on why I moved in the first place. Oki my boss hates me! But surely that is not a good reason to jump ship... Or is it?
Work is slowly picking up for me I hope. One year is a long time to adjust to a place and culture. But I've never claimed to be a fast adjuster! Haha... What can I same? SSDD... Same shit different day... The occassional big fish that swims by makes it seem right for a couple of days and we are back to the grind wishing for another fish to swim by... Often it seems like a test of luck rather then serious skill... N I have never been particularly lucky... Other then that, nothing more about work... Colleagues are great.. But then again, I sorta am the sort that could blend in anywhere... So that's that.
On the home front, bro's getting married next month. Real excited an happy for him other then the fact that shopping for a dress is a bitch and I dun really enjoy having to buy another dress that I'll probably only wear once n not wear again.. Wife to be seems nice... N we click... N that helps... Haha... So there will be a new addition to my family soon :-) Daddy's health hasn't been fantastic. Gave me quite a scare when he was warded last week. Things at home have been relatively calm and maybe coz everyone is so engrossed with the wedding preparations! Yay! Cousins and aunties and maybe granny will be in town next month for the wedding. I couldn't be more excited! Really miss them loads! Haven't seen them since 2008! Gosh! It's been ages since I last saw them all. The neices especially... They must be almost 3 now... Wonder if they'll know who the hell I am.... Oh well...
On to the next topic... What else is there? Work, family... Erm personal life I guess... I've sold my life to my job... Kidding... That would never happen. Life is just way too precious... Sometimes... But it's a good distractor and nice colleagues help... Truth be told, I still miss him like hell. I think deep down in the bottom of my heart, I really do still love him and care shit loads about him. I'm still sensitive to his comments and his moods... N nope... It's only one way. Sigh... I know I really ought to get a life and move on, but knowing is one thing, wanting to put what u know into action is another... Like we all know that smoking and drinking is bad for health and we ought so stop but we do it anyway. I remember once I wrote something about secondary effects/pleasure... Maybe this is the reason... Maybe it's just another one of my damn excuses... But I'll live... N it doesn't really change much in the whole schema of things.
He's been doing great! We still hang out as friends once in a while... N i've been keeping track of news of him, and he's really doing great! Am damn proud and happy for him... It would be perfect if he'll glance my way and pick up where we left off, but it's just wishful thinking on my part and will probably not actualise. But hope fuels all mankind and it's nice to dream about it once in a while... Time has healed the pain and hurt but it sure hasn't stopped the longing... Or maybe just maybe I refuse to let it go... So we still go for coffee and pretend we are both cool about being friends and chilling :-) well, if that is all I can have, it's better then nothing right? Or maybe one day I'll just get tired and move on like what happened with Guardian...
So all in all, that sums up the last couple of months... N it's time for bed so I can wake up early for brekkie tomorrow with daddy before work! Looking forward to father-daughter time! NiteZ peeps...
Can't quite place my finger on things but suddenly had a strong inclination to blog... To juz let my thoughts and feelings run with the words that flow in this post. A little update first on life in general if there is still any followings on this page of mine.. Still in the same job although thoughts of moving to another bank did fritter cross my mind. But despite the fact that I don't quite appreciate my direct boss and she probably doesn't appreciate me too, the decision was to stay n just be focused on why I moved in the first place. Oki my boss hates me! But surely that is not a good reason to jump ship... Or is it?
Work is slowly picking up for me I hope. One year is a long time to adjust to a place and culture. But I've never claimed to be a fast adjuster! Haha... What can I same? SSDD... Same shit different day... The occassional big fish that swims by makes it seem right for a couple of days and we are back to the grind wishing for another fish to swim by... Often it seems like a test of luck rather then serious skill... N I have never been particularly lucky... Other then that, nothing more about work... Colleagues are great.. But then again, I sorta am the sort that could blend in anywhere... So that's that.
On the home front, bro's getting married next month. Real excited an happy for him other then the fact that shopping for a dress is a bitch and I dun really enjoy having to buy another dress that I'll probably only wear once n not wear again.. Wife to be seems nice... N we click... N that helps... Haha... So there will be a new addition to my family soon :-) Daddy's health hasn't been fantastic. Gave me quite a scare when he was warded last week. Things at home have been relatively calm and maybe coz everyone is so engrossed with the wedding preparations! Yay! Cousins and aunties and maybe granny will be in town next month for the wedding. I couldn't be more excited! Really miss them loads! Haven't seen them since 2008! Gosh! It's been ages since I last saw them all. The neices especially... They must be almost 3 now... Wonder if they'll know who the hell I am.... Oh well...
On to the next topic... What else is there? Work, family... Erm personal life I guess... I've sold my life to my job... Kidding... That would never happen. Life is just way too precious... Sometimes... But it's a good distractor and nice colleagues help... Truth be told, I still miss him like hell. I think deep down in the bottom of my heart, I really do still love him and care shit loads about him. I'm still sensitive to his comments and his moods... N nope... It's only one way. Sigh... I know I really ought to get a life and move on, but knowing is one thing, wanting to put what u know into action is another... Like we all know that smoking and drinking is bad for health and we ought so stop but we do it anyway. I remember once I wrote something about secondary effects/pleasure... Maybe this is the reason... Maybe it's just another one of my damn excuses... But I'll live... N it doesn't really change much in the whole schema of things.
He's been doing great! We still hang out as friends once in a while... N i've been keeping track of news of him, and he's really doing great! Am damn proud and happy for him... It would be perfect if he'll glance my way and pick up where we left off, but it's just wishful thinking on my part and will probably not actualise. But hope fuels all mankind and it's nice to dream about it once in a while... Time has healed the pain and hurt but it sure hasn't stopped the longing... Or maybe just maybe I refuse to let it go... So we still go for coffee and pretend we are both cool about being friends and chilling :-) well, if that is all I can have, it's better then nothing right? Or maybe one day I'll just get tired and move on like what happened with Guardian...
So all in all, that sums up the last couple of months... N it's time for bed so I can wake up early for brekkie tomorrow with daddy before work! Looking forward to father-daughter time! NiteZ peeps...
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