Met TG tonight for dinner after two weeks to be exact. Exactly 14 days. Dinner went as well as expected. I guess what i didn't expect was my feelings for him. I've been in love with this man for such a long time that i'm puzzled and curious as well. But then again, i guess i've always been someone who has been really faithful and loyal. I won't even think of being with someone else as long as there is a glimmer of hope that one day we'll both live happily ever after. And i guess that was what bugged me more then anything today.
He shared with me his hectic schedule and somehow, i could see he was more relaxed then usual today. Maybe coz he has just finished a big show in philippines and Chinese new year was around the corner. And he was going away for such a long break. And maybe coz i was being pleasantly nice today, not throwing any little girl tantrums coz i had more on my mind then i usually had. And for whatever reasons, i guess dinner went by without any major events. And yet, a question pops into my head. Must all dinners be a result of him talking, me listening and agreeing for it to be uneventful?
Dinner ended. I was glad we were both heading home. I walked him to his car as usual. Sometimes, i wonder if he even thinks that it's sort of weird for a girl to walk the guy to his car. And yet, it is in that walk, that few precious moments where there is a physical contact of sorts be it a kiss, a hug, or just walking together hand in hand, or arm across each other that makes walking him to his car all worth while. And for someone that i see every 14-20 days once, these little moments are even more precious.
I didn't want to get into the car. I didn't want to go down the carpark which went round and round coz i dread it. I didn't want to sit in the car and have nothing to say. I didn't want to have to ask for a hug or kiss at the end. I didn't want to ask when i would see him again. I didn't want to ask if he still remembered that he promised me a trip in march when he was less busy. But seems too busy now to take a trip in march. For all the things that i didn't want, i steped into the car coz he asked. And it takes great power to reject something he asked coz of how i felt abt him.
In the car, for some peculiar reason, he stretched his hand over me and tickled my ears. I liked that. In any normal event, i would have reached over and placed my head on his shoulder. I like that. But the car going round and round the carpark, braking constantly, was too much for my head to bear. And so, i sat there, closed my eyes and didn't move. And then finally we reached level ground, and he asked where he should alight me. And i pointed up front and said, i'll get off here. And he pulled me over to kiss me. Somehow, for reasons that i cannot explain, even now, i turned my face away and offered him my cheek. And i said bye, happy chinese new year and got out of the car. Before he told me might join Superman and our group of friends for after dinner drinks tomorrow night.
The night didn't seem all that beautiful. And yet, beauty in simplicity. I wish sometimes i've never fallen for this worldly man, who seems to know too much, and yet, nothing seems to be able to touch his heart. And if i could take my eraser and wipe out the beautiful moments that i've ever shared with him, so that he will be no different from the next joe, i would. And for now, i lie trapped in his world, desperately asking for release, asking to have the power to walk away.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Good Energy
Went back to AKLTG today and left feeling rather charged up. I somehow see things in a different light. And i feel good about it. I'vc been asking myself for some time now why is it that i'm not good in sales. Is it coz i am no good with words? Is it coz i am too shy? Is it coz i'm .... And the list goes on.
But i guess the real reason is that i just don't feel good asking for sales. And of course not forgetting, i'm sometimes too paiseh to ask for it. For fear of losing a friendship or such... And then i realised something today. Guess its about looking at things in a different perspective. How about if i asked for it, and if the friend decides to say no to me, then i guess this person ain't too great a friend to start off with. I'm not saying that if the person refuses to buy anything from me. Coz i understand that sometimes, people just do not have the need or the means at that point of time. But what i'm saying is that it has to do with people taking things badly just coz i want to share. Coz if i genuinly want to share, then its really for their benefit.
I'm glad i finally feel this way. For a while now i've been stuck. Guess its a new way to look at things. So, from today onwards, i'm going to approach every person that i meet. Everyone that i meet will be a prospect. Grinz.
Will blog more later.. need to sleep
But i guess the real reason is that i just don't feel good asking for sales. And of course not forgetting, i'm sometimes too paiseh to ask for it. For fear of losing a friendship or such... And then i realised something today. Guess its about looking at things in a different perspective. How about if i asked for it, and if the friend decides to say no to me, then i guess this person ain't too great a friend to start off with. I'm not saying that if the person refuses to buy anything from me. Coz i understand that sometimes, people just do not have the need or the means at that point of time. But what i'm saying is that it has to do with people taking things badly just coz i want to share. Coz if i genuinly want to share, then its really for their benefit.
I'm glad i finally feel this way. For a while now i've been stuck. Guess its a new way to look at things. So, from today onwards, i'm going to approach every person that i meet. Everyone that i meet will be a prospect. Grinz.
Will blog more later.. need to sleep
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Predictability in one who is unpredictable
Many years ago, i used to think, oh why is this man so unpredictable? I would spend hours agonising over the fact that he would one day be so in love with me, then suddenly not want my company at all. And that made me so confused and upset. Over the years, maybe i've come to accept the fact that he is just like that. What do i mean just like that? I guess it has to do with the concept of commitment and in a weird and even perverse way, he is preserving himself.
He smsed today out of the blue after telling me about 2 mths back that he thinks we should stop contacting each other for a while. And i guess over the years, i've more or less gotten used to him being around, then disappearing, and then reappearing. And this time round, it was no different. He asked to meet up and now with a sales job, its so much easier. And yet, i guess its GOD"s plan that we did not meet up. I had a meeting and i guess if i did not, i would have caved.
Today i thought about how unpredictable he always wanted to be. And yet, there is a pattern in it all. When he first shared that he wanted to cease contact for a while, at the back of my mind, i was thinking, oh.. here it comes again. And in about 3 mths time, he will suddenly feel like he needs to meet up and we'll go back to seeing each other for a couple of months before the urge hits him again. And there is such a strong pattern in it all. Today i asked myself just what is this pattern? What does it signify? What will it do to me and how do i interprete it?
I obviously didn't come up with any answers. And i guess some how, some time, some day, the answer will be staring me right in my face. And for that, i guess i will just have to be patient and ride it out. In the mean time, i wonder just what would i do the next time he calls?
I guess in my own way, i do wonder why i always hang out with men who are emotionally unavailable. Is it coz deep down inside, i too amd facing the same problem? And yet i know that i would truly like to be with someone who cares for me, dotes on me and someone whom i can share with not only on the emotional level but also on the intellectual level. Am i being too predictable too in being unpredictable? Sometimes, i guess when they say that you are your own worst enemy or best friend, i guess they had me in mind. Cheers
He smsed today out of the blue after telling me about 2 mths back that he thinks we should stop contacting each other for a while. And i guess over the years, i've more or less gotten used to him being around, then disappearing, and then reappearing. And this time round, it was no different. He asked to meet up and now with a sales job, its so much easier. And yet, i guess its GOD"s plan that we did not meet up. I had a meeting and i guess if i did not, i would have caved.
Today i thought about how unpredictable he always wanted to be. And yet, there is a pattern in it all. When he first shared that he wanted to cease contact for a while, at the back of my mind, i was thinking, oh.. here it comes again. And in about 3 mths time, he will suddenly feel like he needs to meet up and we'll go back to seeing each other for a couple of months before the urge hits him again. And there is such a strong pattern in it all. Today i asked myself just what is this pattern? What does it signify? What will it do to me and how do i interprete it?
I obviously didn't come up with any answers. And i guess some how, some time, some day, the answer will be staring me right in my face. And for that, i guess i will just have to be patient and ride it out. In the mean time, i wonder just what would i do the next time he calls?
I guess in my own way, i do wonder why i always hang out with men who are emotionally unavailable. Is it coz deep down inside, i too amd facing the same problem? And yet i know that i would truly like to be with someone who cares for me, dotes on me and someone whom i can share with not only on the emotional level but also on the intellectual level. Am i being too predictable too in being unpredictable? Sometimes, i guess when they say that you are your own worst enemy or best friend, i guess they had me in mind. Cheers
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
If i had it all
Damn! My baby broke down again today. Sighz. Sometimes i wish he didn't give me so much problems. And its times like this where i wonder if i could just give it up. I guess owning a bike is very much like being in a relationship. Please don't ask me how i come about to this conclusion. Ha.. Maybe something to do with riding my baby?
Alright. Have thought of a title for today's post. And its called if i could have it all. What would it be? Short term, medium term and long term. Shit, i sould like one of those Russians talking about their reform programs. Anyway, let's see.
1) Having a 100k in my bank
2) Having a 500k investment portfolio
3) Having a decent car to drive around when i do not feel like riding my baby
4) Having a library collection of books (about 500)
5) Having an MP3 player that works
6) Having a desktop in my room with internet connection
7) Having a digital camera of my very own
8) Having a plasma tv in my room complete with a surround sound system
and DVD/VCD player
9) Having a queen size bed so all my softoys can sleep with me
10) Having a comforter that i've always wanted to snuggle into at night
11) Revamping my room so that it looks like one of those IKEA showrooms
12) Having a healthy variety of clothes so i don't have to keep recycling clothes
on a 3 day basis
13) Buying my racer so i can finally start training proper for my triathlon
14) A complete set of Georg Jensen jewellery
15) A power suit from an unknown brand that i'm still looking for
16) My Braun Buffel handbag and document bag
Alright. Those are the material things i want in the short term. Now lets go for the medium term stuff
17) Buying my own apartment. Preferably a condominum with an olympic size
swimming pool near the beach. Not too far away from town
18) Having 500k in savings and a million in investments
19) Being a director of a multinational company.
20) Wining, dining and living the life of the rich and famous
21) Winning my first international title that is not a team event
22) Adopting a couple of children from the third world countries and sponsoring
them
And finally for the long term goals
23) Finding a man who is my best friend and greatest companion
24) Get involved in politics
If i could only have one item in my list of 24, you know best what i'll trade it up for. Funny how i've never thought of the material aspects until i started typing this blog. I've thought of myself as someone who is not really materialistic. I guess at the end of the day, i also want the things that give me status and power and also be rich. So, the next question for the next blog would be what exactly are my values? Am i seeking fame and wealth in all the wrong places? Or are my values in conflict with each other and therefore i am stuck where i am? Hmmm
Monday, January 16, 2006
Just being Oscar of Sesame Street
Its barely been two weeks into the new year and i already feel miserable. I guess its really how i choose to feel. And i guess at the same time, i keep telling myself that if i choose to feel otherwise, i'll be better. With the realisation that i'm going to turn 26 already, i feel overwhelmed by the things that i have yet to accomplish at this age. Let alone the lessons that i keep having to relearn time and again. And it is buggin me big time.
At times like this, i ponder and wonder is it that i am merely incompetent or is it that i'm lazy? Or do i have no goal? Or maybe worse still, no purpose in life. Or am i just someone who is forever negative and will never find happiness? I believe that these things are within and up to us to create. But it scares me that i'm not sure how i can go about creating these things.
For a while, i told myself if i woke up feeling happy and looking forward to the day, i would be fine. And then i told myself to keep the negative thoughts out, to keep focusing on the positive things in life and i would be happier, and things would be better. But somehow, i find that it takes a lot more energy and strength to focus on the bright side of life when i feel with each day that passes, there really isn't much to look forward to.
I guess this feeling hit me a couple of days back when TG and i met. Suddenly, i realised how empty this pursuit is. And coming from me, that was quite a shock. I realised that somehow, i was seeking happiness in being with him, when happiness should dwell from within me flowing out. And i ask myself, where is this happiness. How do i garner it without feeling close to miserable. I desperately want to get out of the rut. It takes little steps each time but yet, there is a feeling that with each single step i take, i seem to be sliding two steps back. And i find myself once again further and further away from my goals.
Its at times like this when i feel like giving up and i feel like i don't want to act happy anymore. I want to be the grouch. To shut myself up from the rest of the world. And then, i think, that's not really what i want. And i end up being more confused then ever.
When i lost Guardian, i felt my life go into shambles. But at least i seem like i remotely had a future then. But as i look into the crystal ball today, all i see is fog and mist. And i call out, and all i hear is the echo of my own voice. The little devil in my head is almost winning. And i'm fearful about what it can do and will do. In more ways then one, it was the devil who was always the stronger one. If not, we would all still be in the garden of Eden. The fact that we are not there means that either the devil is more powerful or he has got greater powers of deceit and manipulation. And it scares me. The angel is growing weaker by the minute. All i hear now is the devil's voice. And all i want is the angel to drown him out.....
My Views
As i see the world through my myopic vision, i tend to wonder about a lot of things. Someone once told me that we learnt all we had to at kindergarten. We just sort of forgot the lessons along the way and therefore, occassionally, we had to take refresher courses through the bumps and hardship we deem to currently face.
I think back of the time when i too was in kindergarten. And i guess if i thought real hard, i could paint up a rather rosy picture. Of course, i did take a lot to get me to go to school. Ha. I will never forget the caning i got just outside school as i refused to go to school. There was a time where i was a shy young thing who merely wanted to stay at home, didn't want to meet anyone. I guess i was just scared at the whole prospect of meeting new people. And yet, it was easily overcomed in time. I began to find things about school that i enjoyed and subsequently, had to be scolded to get home on time for dinner after school.
Then there were the persistance when i wanted something, the determination of never wanting to fail when i started something, and of course, wanting to be the best in everything i ever did.
Just what happened along the way? Did some alien take over my body and mind, or did i merely changed so drastically that all the things that i ever stood for no longer appealed to me?
At times, in the solitude of my room, i ask myself this question. When and at which point did i stop trying to achieve greatness in my own life. When did i stop focusing on working the challenge but rather choose to back down from it? When did i stop wanting to be the best. When just when?
Somewhere along the way, a little girl was lost, she grew up. And for the life of me, i think she became worse off then when she was 4. And i wonder and wonder, just what would it take to find that little girl back.
I think back of the time when i too was in kindergarten. And i guess if i thought real hard, i could paint up a rather rosy picture. Of course, i did take a lot to get me to go to school. Ha. I will never forget the caning i got just outside school as i refused to go to school. There was a time where i was a shy young thing who merely wanted to stay at home, didn't want to meet anyone. I guess i was just scared at the whole prospect of meeting new people. And yet, it was easily overcomed in time. I began to find things about school that i enjoyed and subsequently, had to be scolded to get home on time for dinner after school.
Then there were the persistance when i wanted something, the determination of never wanting to fail when i started something, and of course, wanting to be the best in everything i ever did.
Just what happened along the way? Did some alien take over my body and mind, or did i merely changed so drastically that all the things that i ever stood for no longer appealed to me?
At times, in the solitude of my room, i ask myself this question. When and at which point did i stop trying to achieve greatness in my own life. When did i stop focusing on working the challenge but rather choose to back down from it? When did i stop wanting to be the best. When just when?
Somewhere along the way, a little girl was lost, she grew up. And for the life of me, i think she became worse off then when she was 4. And i wonder and wonder, just what would it take to find that little girl back.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
It's a public holiday
Was a public holiday today. But didn't quite feel like it. Maybe it was coz i had lots to do. Going away later on in a couple of hours time. Don't ask me why i'm not sleeping. Guess i just really want to blog for a while.
Met TG for coffee today. Somehow, he always gives me the impression that giving me an hour of his time is something that i really should be appreciative about. Sometimes i wonder why i bother putting up with it. We were having coffee, when he looks at his watch and then goes, oh, its been an hour now. Better get going. Sighz. Why do i bother. Anyway, we chatted a little today. Didn't talk any about Superman's wedding or what happened that night. I guess it was a good thing. Somehow, i feel he smsed me to meet me today only to fulfil what he told me on Sunday nite. And actually he didn't really want coffee or sorts. Whatever.
But something he said made me realise a deep truth. He said if he had a sister, he would probably have killed her. Speaks volumes actually. And i don't know why. I still like him, but, i guess its the realization that we are worlds apart that lets it all sink in. I'm not even sure if anything will happen between us again. WIth him being so busy, and me having so many targets to hit. Feel like i'm in limbo... sighz
Met TG for coffee today. Somehow, he always gives me the impression that giving me an hour of his time is something that i really should be appreciative about. Sometimes i wonder why i bother putting up with it. We were having coffee, when he looks at his watch and then goes, oh, its been an hour now. Better get going. Sighz. Why do i bother. Anyway, we chatted a little today. Didn't talk any about Superman's wedding or what happened that night. I guess it was a good thing. Somehow, i feel he smsed me to meet me today only to fulfil what he told me on Sunday nite. And actually he didn't really want coffee or sorts. Whatever.
But something he said made me realise a deep truth. He said if he had a sister, he would probably have killed her. Speaks volumes actually. And i don't know why. I still like him, but, i guess its the realization that we are worlds apart that lets it all sink in. I'm not even sure if anything will happen between us again. WIth him being so busy, and me having so many targets to hit. Feel like i'm in limbo... sighz
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Superman got married
What a tiring day. It was raining cats and dogs since morning and all i could think about was, what a gloomy day for a wedding. It turned out fine. Went to the bride's place early in the morning to help them out. Turned out that close to 20 brothers came up to pick up the bride. Had about 6 cars. And i guess in a way, it was pretty grand. Then did the usual stuff that people do in the morning before sending all the philippine friends back to the hotel and also for me to rush off for my meeting.
Headed back to the hotel after that to once again help out with whatever they needed help with before proceeding to witness their solemization. It was a touching moment for me once again. I guess somehow, being a romantic at heart, i love to watch people get married. It fulfills the criterion of my fairytale world. Anyway, went back upstairs to doll up after the short session of hearing two people that i've come to love say I DO.
Spent a fair amount of time dolling up. It did help that i had professionals doing my hair and makeup. Felt like i was a star last night as well. And i guess it was reassuring that everyone comment just how beautiful and ladylike i looked. And women never tire of hearing compliments. Saw TG finally at about 7.45pm. He wasnt all that late. And i guess i was pretty pleased when he said, wow, u look beautiful tonight. But that was all the good stuff for the rest of the night. From there, the night went downhill.
I was looking forward to sitting next to him during dinner. If not, why bother dressing up and dolling up and also putting in so much effort to impress? And well, as with all good things coming to an end, we sat across each other at the same table. He spent the night talking to everyone at the table except me. Yu Beng and i talked to each other, more so coz we were bored with the dinner conversation that was going on around us. For a celebrity, he was sure a nice guy to chat with. haha. Was freezing cold as well. I mean with what little i wore, plus the rain, plus the aircon. And when i told TG that i was cold, he turned to his friend and ask his friend to lend me his jacket. What a dork. Ended up borrowing a jacket from Lester. Damn.
And TG left straight after dinner, citing work and tiredness as his two reason. I did ask him why he chose not to seat next to me. And as usual, he had his own plethora of excuses, saying that he tot that sitting at the same table was all that mattered. And being the sweet mouth he was, he said, hey, no worries, lets meet up this week. Say Tuesday. And then he left.
I left coz i knew i would cry if i hung around any longer. TG messaged later to say he misunderstood me when i said sit together. And that there was no need for us to be so obvious. And at the same time, he said that maybe he missed my expectations. And i didn't feel good at all. So after that when i was more calm, i went back in to join the after dinner party. We drank and drank and drank. Didnt help that i was upset. So by close to 1, i was done with drinking, wanted my ciggies, but couldn't find them, so one of the best man accompanied me up to the room to pick up my pack, and that was the end of the night as far as i can remember. Haha
Woke up this morning with a major hangover, asleep on the couch and freezing. One of the guys later took a blanket and covered me. Real sweet of him. And when the rest of the drunk people woke up, i immediately hijacked a bed and slept till late afternoon. Still suffering from the effects of hangover while at dinner and meeting. Damn. Its been a while since i drank so much. Or maybe its just the mood.
Talked to TG a little on MSN today. And as usual, i feel like an idiot for being the way i was. I knew that the wedding was no place to discuss what happend, and it would have resulted in me being sad and crying. And i guess it wouldn't be nice if that happened. So, saved it for the evening when i saw him online. Now i finally understand what he meant by the fact that singaporeans are stupid sometimes as we do not know how to use words to aid us to avoid a confrontation, And it dawned on me just what he meant, i begin to wonder just what sort of friend has he been? Have all that he said been merely words> Words to pacify and words such that i would not stay pissed with hiM? Is he even a true friend?
Here's wishing the both of them the best. I really do love them like my sister and brother. And as i think how romantic it is, i question my own heart. Where is the line between realism and being romantic? Head vs heart. The ultimate question.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Where does compromise step in
Was having a discussion with a friend today. We both came from a party of sorts. There was a groom to be and a bride to be and many many overseas friends. This friend of mine didn't have dinner with us while the rest of us, overseas and local people consisting of Singaporeans, Koreans, Filipinos, China people all gathered to have dinner at this cafe.
As dinner came to a close, people started leaving and those that were proceeding to part 2 of the night stayed for a while more. The bride to be came over and joined a group of us to chat. So happens that most of those seated around me were going to be her "sisters" for the day. And as we discussed what we were going to do, we realised that much of the wedding plans were not set up yet. Now usually, i would brush it off, being a rather last minute person. However, it struck me as odd that the wedding was less then 48 hrs away and yet there is so much that is not done.
The bride to be was of course peeved by the groom to be. And so the stage looked set for another fight to break out. A neverending series of fights that have occurred throughout the whole preparation of their marriage. As friends of both the bride and groom, i empathise with the both of them. We have a playful groom, who thinks that everything can be settled with the bat of an eye, and we have a serious bride, who needs things planned to the most minute of details. How do two people with such vast personalities work things out?
When we finally proceeded to the venue for the party, tempers were once again rising. The bride to be took off home in a huff, her face was black and all around could tell that she was fuming. The groom carried on entertaining his friends, either oblivious to her exasperation or simply ignoring her. Now considering this same incident happened maybe a week ago, and again two weeks ago, and again three weeks ago, many of us were by now used to it. And some people pretended not to notice it, while some merely kept our mouths shut. When both parties are your friends, who do u speak up for? Whose side do you choose to stand on?
My friend and i finally got some down time after we left the party and chatted a little. It was obvious to the both of us that both the bride and the groom to be were stubborn and strong headed people with personalities to match. And it was even more scary that both parties choose not to compromise. And how then did they intend to work their marriage out? Why bother getting married in the first place? I have no wish to see them get divorced a yr, 2 yrs or 3 yrs down the road. Or must it take marriage before they learn the personalities of themself and learn to work around it?
Compromise is such a big word. And with big words come big actions. Exactly when do you stand firm for what you believe in and when do you learn to give in. And at which point is enough, really enough? These thoughts came to me today as i also shared with a girlfriend about the state of her relationship. Let's face it, i feel personally that almost all men cheat. There are a rare few that don't. And at the end of the day, are you willing to accept the fact that he still knows where is home and returns back home? Are you willing to accept the fact that he loves you still and is responsible for the house, yet feels a compelling need to go out and get a little variety once in a while?
Maybe i really am a xiaonuren at heart. Judging by my track record, i know i will be hurt if my bf or husband ever cheats on me. And yet, i know i will not choose to leave him unless i know there is no way we can salvage our realtionship. So when this friend shared with me his view, i guess the question to ask is WHY?
Then again, there are always two sides to a coin. If a guy loves and respect a girl or vice versa, then he/she would not cheat on their other half. And therefore, if there is loyalty and fidelity, then there is no need for the above arguement at all. And yet, in our not so perfect world, people often get tempted and as with the great saying, to err is human. Then what do you do about it?
As i watch with earnest as to this potential drama unfolding in front of me, i wonder and ponder about the many reasons why people cheat. And what exactly is the bottom line? When do you know thats it and when do you forgive a person and move on?
In conclusion to this discussion that my friend and i had, we both realised that all we can do as friends for this couple is to hope and pray that they will both realise their clash in personalities and learn to compromise, give and take and learn to respect one another. At the same time, as friends, we just have to be understanding and know they are doing their best, although of late, there have been comments as to not wanting to party with the couple coz of the staredowns. Oh well, what will happen will happen. Till i come up with more thoughts on this topic, cheerios
As dinner came to a close, people started leaving and those that were proceeding to part 2 of the night stayed for a while more. The bride to be came over and joined a group of us to chat. So happens that most of those seated around me were going to be her "sisters" for the day. And as we discussed what we were going to do, we realised that much of the wedding plans were not set up yet. Now usually, i would brush it off, being a rather last minute person. However, it struck me as odd that the wedding was less then 48 hrs away and yet there is so much that is not done.
The bride to be was of course peeved by the groom to be. And so the stage looked set for another fight to break out. A neverending series of fights that have occurred throughout the whole preparation of their marriage. As friends of both the bride and groom, i empathise with the both of them. We have a playful groom, who thinks that everything can be settled with the bat of an eye, and we have a serious bride, who needs things planned to the most minute of details. How do two people with such vast personalities work things out?
When we finally proceeded to the venue for the party, tempers were once again rising. The bride to be took off home in a huff, her face was black and all around could tell that she was fuming. The groom carried on entertaining his friends, either oblivious to her exasperation or simply ignoring her. Now considering this same incident happened maybe a week ago, and again two weeks ago, and again three weeks ago, many of us were by now used to it. And some people pretended not to notice it, while some merely kept our mouths shut. When both parties are your friends, who do u speak up for? Whose side do you choose to stand on?
My friend and i finally got some down time after we left the party and chatted a little. It was obvious to the both of us that both the bride and the groom to be were stubborn and strong headed people with personalities to match. And it was even more scary that both parties choose not to compromise. And how then did they intend to work their marriage out? Why bother getting married in the first place? I have no wish to see them get divorced a yr, 2 yrs or 3 yrs down the road. Or must it take marriage before they learn the personalities of themself and learn to work around it?
Compromise is such a big word. And with big words come big actions. Exactly when do you stand firm for what you believe in and when do you learn to give in. And at which point is enough, really enough? These thoughts came to me today as i also shared with a girlfriend about the state of her relationship. Let's face it, i feel personally that almost all men cheat. There are a rare few that don't. And at the end of the day, are you willing to accept the fact that he still knows where is home and returns back home? Are you willing to accept the fact that he loves you still and is responsible for the house, yet feels a compelling need to go out and get a little variety once in a while?
Maybe i really am a xiaonuren at heart. Judging by my track record, i know i will be hurt if my bf or husband ever cheats on me. And yet, i know i will not choose to leave him unless i know there is no way we can salvage our realtionship. So when this friend shared with me his view, i guess the question to ask is WHY?
Then again, there are always two sides to a coin. If a guy loves and respect a girl or vice versa, then he/she would not cheat on their other half. And therefore, if there is loyalty and fidelity, then there is no need for the above arguement at all. And yet, in our not so perfect world, people often get tempted and as with the great saying, to err is human. Then what do you do about it?
As i watch with earnest as to this potential drama unfolding in front of me, i wonder and ponder about the many reasons why people cheat. And what exactly is the bottom line? When do you know thats it and when do you forgive a person and move on?
In conclusion to this discussion that my friend and i had, we both realised that all we can do as friends for this couple is to hope and pray that they will both realise their clash in personalities and learn to compromise, give and take and learn to respect one another. At the same time, as friends, we just have to be understanding and know they are doing their best, although of late, there have been comments as to not wanting to party with the couple coz of the staredowns. Oh well, what will happen will happen. Till i come up with more thoughts on this topic, cheerios
Friday, January 06, 2006
Goals
I went shopping for Superman's wedding today. Couldn't find anything that i really wanted. Looked at some stuff, was hoping to buy the blue dress i saw the other time, but apparently they don't have it anymore. Sighz.
Anyway, had dinner at that nice place at Taka that serves the nice tofu. Didn't have a pleasant time there this time round though. I guess i can attribute it to the fact that i'm not very adventurous when it comes to food. Ordered this noodle dish wrongly, so when it came, i was quite put off already. The smell and taste was just off for me. So settled for eating tofu. And since my friend ordered it for herself, i decided to order another serving of it. Now to make my already crappy dinner bad, they remembered to key in the order, but didn't bother to bring it to our table. I guess that pissed me off big time. And when i called for the bill, i had already lost my appetite. So when they bought the bill over, i mentioned that the dish had not arrived yet. And suddenly, the manager goes and brings it over. I mean, hello? I've already asked for the bloody bill. So i didn't accept the food and just settled for what we ate. I left my card with them, and somewhere in between, another waiter came with the food. Which part of the i am no longer interested did they not comprehend.
Oh well, my stomach is growling now. Stupid me for being stubborn. Sighz. But i really did lose my appetite then already. Anyway, a thought occurred to me today. I was sitting down, drafting a detailed plan of 2006 goals and resolution when i stop and wonder why do some people set goals. Why do some people not set goals. Why do some people set goals that they never bother fulfilling and some are so driven to fulfill their goals. And also, do u set little goals as in for each year, or must you first set your life goals, and then break it down to set little goals.
Therefore, if i am a big picture sort of person, i would first envision what achievements would i like to have before i die. Or for me to feel like i've succeeded in life. And then i would go into the nitty gritty details. But what if i am a small picture sort of person? Then does it mean that i am a person more concerned with the going ons of everyday and therefore, i live each day as it is?
As i looked deeper into the resolutions i made for 2006, i asked myself this question. How does it all tie up? How does it tie up to the big picture. And i guess the most important question is what is the big picture?
I will ponder more about this question as i also figure out what is it that i really want to achieve out of my existance here on earth. What do i want to contribute to society and what so i want to do that will be of influence to each and single person that i meet everyday.
Anyway, had dinner at that nice place at Taka that serves the nice tofu. Didn't have a pleasant time there this time round though. I guess i can attribute it to the fact that i'm not very adventurous when it comes to food. Ordered this noodle dish wrongly, so when it came, i was quite put off already. The smell and taste was just off for me. So settled for eating tofu. And since my friend ordered it for herself, i decided to order another serving of it. Now to make my already crappy dinner bad, they remembered to key in the order, but didn't bother to bring it to our table. I guess that pissed me off big time. And when i called for the bill, i had already lost my appetite. So when they bought the bill over, i mentioned that the dish had not arrived yet. And suddenly, the manager goes and brings it over. I mean, hello? I've already asked for the bloody bill. So i didn't accept the food and just settled for what we ate. I left my card with them, and somewhere in between, another waiter came with the food. Which part of the i am no longer interested did they not comprehend.
Oh well, my stomach is growling now. Stupid me for being stubborn. Sighz. But i really did lose my appetite then already. Anyway, a thought occurred to me today. I was sitting down, drafting a detailed plan of 2006 goals and resolution when i stop and wonder why do some people set goals. Why do some people not set goals. Why do some people set goals that they never bother fulfilling and some are so driven to fulfill their goals. And also, do u set little goals as in for each year, or must you first set your life goals, and then break it down to set little goals.
Therefore, if i am a big picture sort of person, i would first envision what achievements would i like to have before i die. Or for me to feel like i've succeeded in life. And then i would go into the nitty gritty details. But what if i am a small picture sort of person? Then does it mean that i am a person more concerned with the going ons of everyday and therefore, i live each day as it is?
As i looked deeper into the resolutions i made for 2006, i asked myself this question. How does it all tie up? How does it tie up to the big picture. And i guess the most important question is what is the big picture?
I will ponder more about this question as i also figure out what is it that i really want to achieve out of my existance here on earth. What do i want to contribute to society and what so i want to do that will be of influence to each and single person that i meet everyday.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Raindrops + Sunshine = Rainbow
Please do not ask me why this is such a silly title. But i think its totally sweet. Its a blend between the raindrops that make people wet, and the sun that burns, and yet, at the very end of it, you get a beautiful rainbow and all seems to be perfect all over again.
And with this perfect case of blending and fusion, i think sometimes the most beautiful things are there for those who wait for the rain to pass, for the heat to be bearable, and at the end, there is that rainbow that makes the waiting worthwhile.
Went for dinner last night with B2. Had a good talk as usual. Its amazing how much we have in common and the list just grows with each dinner session or drink session that we share. Funny how i've known B2 for close to half a year now and its only recently taht we've made the effort to get to know each other better. And i'm glad we did.
Went Thumpers after that. Same old affair. Met an old classmate there. A statement she made tickled me. The two boys from 4/9 grew up to become women. That was hilarious.
Chatted with TG online just now. I guess one of the things that i love most abt him is that he is sensitive and at the same time, understanding of me as a person. Sometimes, i am amazed at how he manages to read my thoughts and voice out stuff that i am feeling. And i guess he is after all a man who sometimes forgets and says things that are senseless and mean and that hurt. But i guess at the end of the day, when he apologizes, i cannot bear to stay angry with him.
Anyway, saw him online yesterday, but didn't get a chance to talk to him coz he was bz. Then today again, saw him online, then he said he was bz. Then i was in one of my whiny and needy moods, and i sulked coz he didn't talk to me. And when he once again told me he was bz, i said oki lor, its my fault anyway. And i left my msn as it was, and went to do other things. Went back half hour later to my computer, and saw a new window. In it he asked how my day was. And although it was probably a simple question that you would ask any one of your friends, it meant a lot to me. And what meant even more was subsequently after that, he shared a little of what he did, then told me this, that i get the feeling taht you feel like sometimes i ignore you. But that's not true. And that's when he shared all the stuff he did and told me that its not like he is ignoring me and all. And i guess i was comforted. Thanks TG.
Don't feel like going into the details. So i guess that's the gist of it. Alright. Will blog more tml or later. Cheerios
The 1st Tuesday of the 1st month of the brand new year
I was going through some of my previous postings just today. And i realised that some of my very best works came about at a time where i was super depressed, thinking lots and doing the best i could to be a better person in what i perceived then to be a really hard and tough world.
Maybe its becoz of my perceptions that formed the reality in my life then. The more i percieved something to be hard and tough, the more it became so. And so, therefore life just got harder, and i got more unhappy. Someone once told me life is a cycle. And i likened it to when i went off road riding, stuck in a rut on a slope. There were a couple of different styles in riding. The first of them would rev the throttle real hard, gave the bike more power and pray damn hard that the bike got out of the rut. More often then not, i would see these people dig a even deeper rut. Force against force, nothing would budge. Then the second group of people would carry their bike out of the rut and carry on riding. Now, for this group of people, there are also two sorts. Those that are big and strong enough to carry their bikes out of the rut, and those that aren't and just wait for someone to come and help them carry their bike out of the rut. And there are those that fall off the bike, pick themselves up, brush off the dirt, pick up the bike and carry on riding. Those that wait for others to pick up their bike, help them kickstart the bike and carry on riding. Those that have people help them with the above and ask to stop riding, ask someone to ride their bike to flat land.
So many different kinds of people, with different kinds of reaction to a similar experience. Now for me, i have likened the spirit of riding to life. Why is that so? Well once in a while, in our smooth sailing life, we come across a rut. Sometimes, the bike falls, u fall. just like in life, sometimes u take a hit and u stumble. But everyone has a choice as to what they want to do at that moment in time. When i go dirtbiking, i realise how much my character had changed over the years.
When i first started biking, i would be the sort that would pick my bike out of the rut and carry on riding. That was not after several experiences of gassing the throttle and getting stuck even deeper. Then i learnt that what works for me was to lift the bike out of the rut. Then again, i was riding a much smaller and lighter bike then. And when i fell, i would pick myself up, brush off the dirt and get on with it. Maybe i would ride a tad slower coz i was scared of falling again. But i never once said, fuck it, leave the bike here, or can someone else ride the bike out for me?
Recently, about close to 2 mths back, i went riding once again. After a long break of not riding for close to 2 years. This time, i realised how different i was in handling the same problem. I fell, i got up, waited for friends to come and help me pick up the bike, start the bike, ride up the hill for me and someone else would pillion me up the hill or i would walk up. Recently i had dinner with a friend who asked me this, how come u not so garang anymore? I could think of a million and one answers for her, and i yet i knew deep down at the bottom of my heart, its only coz somewhere along the way, i lost the fighting spirit. The will and desire to do everything on my own, and the desire to carry on even when the going got tough. Somewhere along the way, i became weak. I gave up easily. And i let that formed up. Then once in a while, i throttle hard, only to feel that i was stuck even deeper in the rut and i could no longer get out. But yet, is it coz i chose to not get out and stay stuck, hoping and praying taht someone would come back and help, when all the help was around me and i chose to be stubborn.
As the new year begins, i wonder just how much i have hidden deep in me over all these years that i perceived to be hurt and troubled and life was tough and i gave up. I wondered that is character built, or is inherent inside a person. And if it is, then somewhere deep within the reserves, there is a person who still stands, who still has the exact same qualities that i look up to nowadays. And somewhere beneath it all, there is a person who has been pushed aside, coz i refuse to acknowledge her presence. And in knowing just this one bit of information, i will do all that i can to lure this person out. Just so i can once again lead life to the fullest. Coz i know that person is somewhere behind a door, that i have shut many many years ago.
Maybe its becoz of my perceptions that formed the reality in my life then. The more i percieved something to be hard and tough, the more it became so. And so, therefore life just got harder, and i got more unhappy. Someone once told me life is a cycle. And i likened it to when i went off road riding, stuck in a rut on a slope. There were a couple of different styles in riding. The first of them would rev the throttle real hard, gave the bike more power and pray damn hard that the bike got out of the rut. More often then not, i would see these people dig a even deeper rut. Force against force, nothing would budge. Then the second group of people would carry their bike out of the rut and carry on riding. Now, for this group of people, there are also two sorts. Those that are big and strong enough to carry their bikes out of the rut, and those that aren't and just wait for someone to come and help them carry their bike out of the rut. And there are those that fall off the bike, pick themselves up, brush off the dirt, pick up the bike and carry on riding. Those that wait for others to pick up their bike, help them kickstart the bike and carry on riding. Those that have people help them with the above and ask to stop riding, ask someone to ride their bike to flat land.
So many different kinds of people, with different kinds of reaction to a similar experience. Now for me, i have likened the spirit of riding to life. Why is that so? Well once in a while, in our smooth sailing life, we come across a rut. Sometimes, the bike falls, u fall. just like in life, sometimes u take a hit and u stumble. But everyone has a choice as to what they want to do at that moment in time. When i go dirtbiking, i realise how much my character had changed over the years.
When i first started biking, i would be the sort that would pick my bike out of the rut and carry on riding. That was not after several experiences of gassing the throttle and getting stuck even deeper. Then i learnt that what works for me was to lift the bike out of the rut. Then again, i was riding a much smaller and lighter bike then. And when i fell, i would pick myself up, brush off the dirt and get on with it. Maybe i would ride a tad slower coz i was scared of falling again. But i never once said, fuck it, leave the bike here, or can someone else ride the bike out for me?
Recently, about close to 2 mths back, i went riding once again. After a long break of not riding for close to 2 years. This time, i realised how different i was in handling the same problem. I fell, i got up, waited for friends to come and help me pick up the bike, start the bike, ride up the hill for me and someone else would pillion me up the hill or i would walk up. Recently i had dinner with a friend who asked me this, how come u not so garang anymore? I could think of a million and one answers for her, and i yet i knew deep down at the bottom of my heart, its only coz somewhere along the way, i lost the fighting spirit. The will and desire to do everything on my own, and the desire to carry on even when the going got tough. Somewhere along the way, i became weak. I gave up easily. And i let that formed up. Then once in a while, i throttle hard, only to feel that i was stuck even deeper in the rut and i could no longer get out. But yet, is it coz i chose to not get out and stay stuck, hoping and praying taht someone would come back and help, when all the help was around me and i chose to be stubborn.
As the new year begins, i wonder just how much i have hidden deep in me over all these years that i perceived to be hurt and troubled and life was tough and i gave up. I wondered that is character built, or is inherent inside a person. And if it is, then somewhere deep within the reserves, there is a person who still stands, who still has the exact same qualities that i look up to nowadays. And somewhere beneath it all, there is a person who has been pushed aside, coz i refuse to acknowledge her presence. And in knowing just this one bit of information, i will do all that i can to lure this person out. Just so i can once again lead life to the fullest. Coz i know that person is somewhere behind a door, that i have shut many many years ago.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~Marianne Williamson
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~Marianne Williamson
The day after New Year
Bloody tired man. Slept at close to 8am this morning after a night out. Think i really have to stop doing this. Anyway, woke up at 1pm to go for an appointment. Thank goodness Superman called. If not i think i might not have heard the alarm and might have just overslept. Anyway, he ask to meet at 4pm. Told him i'll meet him after my appointment.
Finished my appointment at 6pm. Headed down to meet him, only to have them tell me they were leaving. But i guess, as with my character, i could hardly get angry could i? After all, i really did have an important appointment. Anyway, hung out with B2 for a while. Actually that's an understatement. We had dinner, and later went for drinks. It's amazing how similar B2 and myself are in thinking. Hence the name B2. Anyway, i cannot for the life of me, vocalise into words how i feel about all that was shared. And if there is such a thing as a soulmate in this world, B2 must be it. There was just so much to share, and we could complete each other's sentence. I'm glad that its only the 2nd day of the new year, and yet, i feel like i've found a new friend. And funny, i think B2 will be a good friend. Call it gut instinct.
Anyway, as usual, TG said the last time we were out for dinner that he'll meet me for coffee today. The call never came, i sms him, he didn't reply. Its becoming a trend that he'll tell me some day, or date, and not follow up on it. I don't want to call him or sms him coz i guess i'm still sore about that night. Sometimes, when i think about him, i feel bad. Coz i wonder, if i should disappear from the face of the earth, would he even notice? Would he even know that i'm dead? And most importantly, would he even bother or care? I seem to be so low on his to contact list, and nothing that i'm doing seems to bring me one step closer. Not forgetting his statement about how, when a girl gives him her no, he thinks of her as cheap. Unless of course she is Brooke Shields. And then, his statement about how, if they want to sleep with him, he will also find it a lack of challenge and not bother about them. Maybe that's how he feels about me? Not sure. But i only know that one line hurt. More then walking into the room and seeing COW with another woman. More then when Guardian said he was leaving for good or getting married. I've always wondered why man cannot be sensitive enough to know that when a girl likes you, whether you like her or not, you should never ask her to hook up with someone else, sleep with someone else or just go date someone else. It's like a double whamy. First you don't like me, then you treat me like a product, to be given away or sold to the first buyer that comes along, coz u want to get it as far away from you as possible. Anyway, enough rambling. Late. Need to sleep. And its too early in the year to be distressed about these matters. Cheerios
Finished my appointment at 6pm. Headed down to meet him, only to have them tell me they were leaving. But i guess, as with my character, i could hardly get angry could i? After all, i really did have an important appointment. Anyway, hung out with B2 for a while. Actually that's an understatement. We had dinner, and later went for drinks. It's amazing how similar B2 and myself are in thinking. Hence the name B2. Anyway, i cannot for the life of me, vocalise into words how i feel about all that was shared. And if there is such a thing as a soulmate in this world, B2 must be it. There was just so much to share, and we could complete each other's sentence. I'm glad that its only the 2nd day of the new year, and yet, i feel like i've found a new friend. And funny, i think B2 will be a good friend. Call it gut instinct.
Anyway, as usual, TG said the last time we were out for dinner that he'll meet me for coffee today. The call never came, i sms him, he didn't reply. Its becoming a trend that he'll tell me some day, or date, and not follow up on it. I don't want to call him or sms him coz i guess i'm still sore about that night. Sometimes, when i think about him, i feel bad. Coz i wonder, if i should disappear from the face of the earth, would he even notice? Would he even know that i'm dead? And most importantly, would he even bother or care? I seem to be so low on his to contact list, and nothing that i'm doing seems to bring me one step closer. Not forgetting his statement about how, when a girl gives him her no, he thinks of her as cheap. Unless of course she is Brooke Shields. And then, his statement about how, if they want to sleep with him, he will also find it a lack of challenge and not bother about them. Maybe that's how he feels about me? Not sure. But i only know that one line hurt. More then walking into the room and seeing COW with another woman. More then when Guardian said he was leaving for good or getting married. I've always wondered why man cannot be sensitive enough to know that when a girl likes you, whether you like her or not, you should never ask her to hook up with someone else, sleep with someone else or just go date someone else. It's like a double whamy. First you don't like me, then you treat me like a product, to be given away or sold to the first buyer that comes along, coz u want to get it as far away from you as possible. Anyway, enough rambling. Late. Need to sleep. And its too early in the year to be distressed about these matters. Cheerios
Monday, January 02, 2006
Happy New Year
I'm not really someone that sticks with my new year resolutions. But i guess i should not break tradition by missing out on my own new year resolutions. Here's a couple:
1) Lose weight.
I seem to be stuck at this resolution for the last maybe 6 yrs. Anyway, ideal weight would be 58kg. Currently 66kg. Guess i need more work. How i am going to be doing this amazing feat? Run more, swim more and as soon as i get the bike fixed, cycle more. That leads us to the next resolution.
2) Complete a triathlon.
Alright. I've taken too long away from competitive sport. And because i am totally aprehensive about sport at the moment, i'm not going to aim to make it to some national squad or team. All i want is to complete the triathlon in the approved and allocated time. Once again, to compete and complete, i need a new bike. So next resolution would be,
3) Work hard, earn more.
Alright. I want to do my MDRT this year. So, i have to work harder and earn more $$. So i can have extra money to give my parents, to buy myself a new racer and also, to sponser myself for a course. Next resolution,
4) Do my CFP course.
Yes, i am one of those bums that don't have a degree. And coz i want to prove to the whole world that actually i'm rather intelligent, i'm going to sit for my CFP course this year. If i fulfill resolution 3 then i will have the money to sit for my CFP course. And i will have the money to sign up for a course with SIM. I just want my bloody paper before the age of 30.
The 5th resolution would be to call or sms TG less. But i've decided to not add this in coz i'll probably fail after the first week. And since i would like to work the rest of my resolutions, i will not kickstart the year with a failure. Maybe its just my excuse. I'll wake up one day i'm sure. So till then, he will still have my undivided love and attention. Although i must admit i'm a tinge hurt still but his statement and his actions. Guess it'll pass at some point of time. Till then, i'll pretend that it did not bug me, when all day long, the scene keeps replaying in my mind. Its driving me nuts.
The 6th resolution would be really dependent on the 5th. He asked me to quit smoking. Frankly speaking, i really have no real incentive to quit. But he has said that if i quit, he'll make and effort to spend more time with me. Then again, its one of those chicken and egg theory. See, if i quit smoking, then if he doesn't spend more time with me, its unlikely that i'll want to pick up smoking again right. After all, quiting would not be easy. If i don't quit smoking, then he will just not spend more time with me. So, i guess either way i lose. Shit. I hate to be in a lose-lose situation. And if i lie to him, then i feel bad. Damn. Let's see what happens.
I'm thinking of the 7th resolution, coz i like the no. 7. Seems unlikely to have only 6 resolutions. Alright. Thought about it. For my 7th resolution, i will not add any more numbers to the number count. Ha. Not many people know about this. This one is personal. For me to know, for you to find out. So, the number will stay at the same no, till at least next year. What the hell am i talking about? Frankly, i don;t know =P
Alright. Here's the list as with tradition. One year older, one year wiser. Stop getting cheated by people and men alike. Maybe i should just be a bitch. Seemed to work then.. Cheers, and Happy New Year to myself once again
1) Lose weight.
I seem to be stuck at this resolution for the last maybe 6 yrs. Anyway, ideal weight would be 58kg. Currently 66kg. Guess i need more work. How i am going to be doing this amazing feat? Run more, swim more and as soon as i get the bike fixed, cycle more. That leads us to the next resolution.
2) Complete a triathlon.
Alright. I've taken too long away from competitive sport. And because i am totally aprehensive about sport at the moment, i'm not going to aim to make it to some national squad or team. All i want is to complete the triathlon in the approved and allocated time. Once again, to compete and complete, i need a new bike. So next resolution would be,
3) Work hard, earn more.
Alright. I want to do my MDRT this year. So, i have to work harder and earn more $$. So i can have extra money to give my parents, to buy myself a new racer and also, to sponser myself for a course. Next resolution,
4) Do my CFP course.
Yes, i am one of those bums that don't have a degree. And coz i want to prove to the whole world that actually i'm rather intelligent, i'm going to sit for my CFP course this year. If i fulfill resolution 3 then i will have the money to sit for my CFP course. And i will have the money to sign up for a course with SIM. I just want my bloody paper before the age of 30.
The 5th resolution would be to call or sms TG less. But i've decided to not add this in coz i'll probably fail after the first week. And since i would like to work the rest of my resolutions, i will not kickstart the year with a failure. Maybe its just my excuse. I'll wake up one day i'm sure. So till then, he will still have my undivided love and attention. Although i must admit i'm a tinge hurt still but his statement and his actions. Guess it'll pass at some point of time. Till then, i'll pretend that it did not bug me, when all day long, the scene keeps replaying in my mind. Its driving me nuts.
The 6th resolution would be really dependent on the 5th. He asked me to quit smoking. Frankly speaking, i really have no real incentive to quit. But he has said that if i quit, he'll make and effort to spend more time with me. Then again, its one of those chicken and egg theory. See, if i quit smoking, then if he doesn't spend more time with me, its unlikely that i'll want to pick up smoking again right. After all, quiting would not be easy. If i don't quit smoking, then he will just not spend more time with me. So, i guess either way i lose. Shit. I hate to be in a lose-lose situation. And if i lie to him, then i feel bad. Damn. Let's see what happens.
I'm thinking of the 7th resolution, coz i like the no. 7. Seems unlikely to have only 6 resolutions. Alright. Thought about it. For my 7th resolution, i will not add any more numbers to the number count. Ha. Not many people know about this. This one is personal. For me to know, for you to find out. So, the number will stay at the same no, till at least next year. What the hell am i talking about? Frankly, i don;t know =P
Alright. Here's the list as with tradition. One year older, one year wiser. Stop getting cheated by people and men alike. Maybe i should just be a bitch. Seemed to work then.. Cheers, and Happy New Year to myself once again
Sunday, January 01, 2006
The Day before New Year
What a day. Had a whole day meeting to attend. Boy was i tired. Normal day after all. Had dinner with Papa Bear, superstar and all before heading for countdown at Siam with Superman and friends. Would have been perfect if TG had turned up. But, i know he said he had his own plans, and Superman said that TG didn't reply him at all. So i guess, all i can do is wish him a Happy new year. Anyway, not like it'll really matter to him whether i wish him Happy new year or not. So, no loss.
Superman and wife fought tonight. What a way to usher in the new year. Kinda sad actually. I guess its times like this where i feel torn in my loyalties. You know that my direct loyalties lie with Superman coz i know him first. And yet, i feel bad for the wife, coz i know how egoistic and egocentric this one man can be. And alcohol never helps him. Anyway, i did what a friend would have done, i sat and listened to her complain and maybe just share. Lend her a listening ear. Well, my first job as Aunt Agony this new year. As for my new year resolutions, still thinking about them. Will keep them posted...Cheers
Superman and wife fought tonight. What a way to usher in the new year. Kinda sad actually. I guess its times like this where i feel torn in my loyalties. You know that my direct loyalties lie with Superman coz i know him first. And yet, i feel bad for the wife, coz i know how egoistic and egocentric this one man can be. And alcohol never helps him. Anyway, i did what a friend would have done, i sat and listened to her complain and maybe just share. Lend her a listening ear. Well, my first job as Aunt Agony this new year. As for my new year resolutions, still thinking about them. Will keep them posted...Cheers
Saturday, December 31, 2005
The day before New Year's Eve
I typed out my whole bloody blog, and somehow the page hung, and now my whole blog has to be retyped. And i can't even remember what i typed. Damn....
My feel to blog vanished with the lost of the posting. sighz....
Alright, here we go again. Abridged version this time though. Maybe if i'm in a better mood later i'll type a more complete version.
Spent day getting ipod shuffle that i got as a present from TG to work. Didn't work after 16 hours. Gave up. Was chatting with TG on Msn. Shared with him yesterday's post i think. Got him a little worked up. Settled that. Gave baby a name. DJ. Went for dinner, met two friends. One feels crappy after ex bf finds a new girl. She already has a bf. And i wonder why people dun treasure who they have. Went for coffee after that.
Smsed TG to ask if he was joining Superman and myself to party. Got negative reply. Went to meet Superman at Thumper. Told me TG was turning up after all. Happy. Met TG and his two friends. Had an interesting conversation admist the noise. Debate about mankind, the thrill of the chase, and the sense of achievement and contentment. TG was vehement, i was fervid, about our POVs.
I subscribe to the zen theory, he didn't. Realised that i was in self denial admist it. Why? Go read The Devil and Miss Pyrm by Paulo Coelho. You'll understand. Recalled friend that came back from Cambodia doing community service. Same issue. Want to stay there for life coz of the life they lead. Very contented. But is it possible knowing that there is so much out there?
So, finally left Thumper with TG. Spent another hour plus chatting at the carpark. Talked about stuff in general. Got some answers to some questions. Was mind provoking and yet gave me new insight. He said i was pushy. It was one claim i couldn't refute. Finally talked for too long. Tired. Wanted to head back. Night was a topsy turvy of emotion. Just as i felt that the loop was closed. He pulled a bunny out of the hat.
Oki. This was the part i got to before the computer hung on me. I was bloody writing a thesis paper on the subject of contentment and achievement. But guess you have to wait another couple of days when i feel more inclined to write and its not 6 in the morning.
So here we were, tired, after standing at the carpark for close to 2 hrs. And we'd just hugged and given our customary pecks when he says we'll do something come March. And i say, i'm a healthy and energetic person and its a long wait till then. And he said, well i'm sure you can find a filler. Of course this wasn't how it all went. But that's the gist of it.
Ouch. And i guess someone told me once before that my face is like an open book. The hurt must have been evident coz he retracted and said it was a joke when i said, alright, since you've already given the green light, then why not. I mean what the heck was i expected to say? So he asked if i had to take it so seriously. Maybe i over reacted, but one word summed it up. OUCH.
My feel to blog vanished with the lost of the posting. sighz....
Alright, here we go again. Abridged version this time though. Maybe if i'm in a better mood later i'll type a more complete version.
Spent day getting ipod shuffle that i got as a present from TG to work. Didn't work after 16 hours. Gave up. Was chatting with TG on Msn. Shared with him yesterday's post i think. Got him a little worked up. Settled that. Gave baby a name. DJ. Went for dinner, met two friends. One feels crappy after ex bf finds a new girl. She already has a bf. And i wonder why people dun treasure who they have. Went for coffee after that.
Smsed TG to ask if he was joining Superman and myself to party. Got negative reply. Went to meet Superman at Thumper. Told me TG was turning up after all. Happy. Met TG and his two friends. Had an interesting conversation admist the noise. Debate about mankind, the thrill of the chase, and the sense of achievement and contentment. TG was vehement, i was fervid, about our POVs.
I subscribe to the zen theory, he didn't. Realised that i was in self denial admist it. Why? Go read The Devil and Miss Pyrm by Paulo Coelho. You'll understand. Recalled friend that came back from Cambodia doing community service. Same issue. Want to stay there for life coz of the life they lead. Very contented. But is it possible knowing that there is so much out there?
So, finally left Thumper with TG. Spent another hour plus chatting at the carpark. Talked about stuff in general. Got some answers to some questions. Was mind provoking and yet gave me new insight. He said i was pushy. It was one claim i couldn't refute. Finally talked for too long. Tired. Wanted to head back. Night was a topsy turvy of emotion. Just as i felt that the loop was closed. He pulled a bunny out of the hat.
Oki. This was the part i got to before the computer hung on me. I was bloody writing a thesis paper on the subject of contentment and achievement. But guess you have to wait another couple of days when i feel more inclined to write and its not 6 in the morning.
So here we were, tired, after standing at the carpark for close to 2 hrs. And we'd just hugged and given our customary pecks when he says we'll do something come March. And i say, i'm a healthy and energetic person and its a long wait till then. And he said, well i'm sure you can find a filler. Of course this wasn't how it all went. But that's the gist of it.
Ouch. And i guess someone told me once before that my face is like an open book. The hurt must have been evident coz he retracted and said it was a joke when i said, alright, since you've already given the green light, then why not. I mean what the heck was i expected to say? So he asked if i had to take it so seriously. Maybe i over reacted, but one word summed it up. OUCH.
The day before New Year's Eve
Today i re-learnt a couple of lessons. I've probably learnt them before and yet i guess at the end of the day, maybe coz its the day before new year's eve, it was GOD's way of telling me it was time to relearn some lessons that i didn't learn very well.
Let me first talk about the day in general. Now that i come to think about it, i think i'm a rather long winded person. Or maybe i just enjoying writing once i'm in a writing mood.
I spent almost the whole day from last nite when i returned home after receiving my Christmas present from a friend, and having a late coffee session, fiddling with my new toy. Received an ipod shuffle for Christmas. It was clearly very pleasant. And if behind every action there is a positive intention, then i can see many reasons why an ipod shuffle was a great gift. Anyhow, being the computer idiot that i am, after all, all i know is how to type in my blog, go to friendster and check email, i spent close to 16 hours getting the ipod shuffle to work. I think i've clearly read the instruction booklet a good 20 times in 16 hours, and done every conceivable action i could. And the conclusion was that i still could not work it. Anyway, i decided to give it up to meet a couple of good friends for dinner and subsequently to go partying with Superman.
Dinner was a simple affair at one of the places that i truly love coz of the avocado squeeze more then the food really. And when i met this girlfriend of mine, i was baffled at how she was feeling. Here was a girl that just got attached to an extremely understanding and loving man, and she was missing her ex boyfriend coz he finally decided to stop waiting for her and get attached. Sometimes, i wonder at this sort of stuff maybe coz i wonder how come people never treasure what they have and when they finally lose it, it seems like this one person they never treasured suddenly becomes the most important person in their lives. And therein, i relearnt my first lesson. And that is that i should treasure the person that i am with now, at this point. And not when the person is ready to leave.
So after dinner, we decided to go take a walk and eventually ended up having coffee at coffee bean. Nothing much happened there. Was really looking forward to going partying with Superman. Haven't partied with him for a while now.
I sms Mr TG if he was going. And got a negative reply. But that didn't dampen the mood really. Was really looking forward to partying i guess. And when i finally reached Thumpers, Superman came out to bring me in and also shared with me a good piece of news. Apparently, my favourite person was turning up after all. And so, that really did brighten up the mood. And i was a happy camper from then on. If only life could be so simple.
And so when he arrived with two other friends, we all engaged in conversation and we talked about many topics. Now you know that although i'm long winded, i wouldn't go into such nitty gritty details if i didn't think it would build up the story. So we chanced upon this topic of conversation about giving your number out at a club, pub, nightspot etc. And the topic led us to an interesting philosophical discussion about mankind in general.
And so we talked, we debated, and whatever you could think about for a long long while. And i guess that was how the rest of the night progressed. Each had their points of view and i could clearly see where he was coming from. But i remember not too long ago where i had this same mentality. I remembered sharing with Papa Bear that life was very funny. That for the life of me i could not understand life.(No pun inteneded) I shared with him how hard it was to succeed. Coz if it was a simple success, it probably wouldn't feel anything. So it has to be something of a stretch. Something that you might not have achieved if you had just gave a half assed effort. It had to be something that you gained out of sweat, hard work. And then you will have lots of pride and you will feel good coz it would feel like an achievement. I remember Papa Bear asking me, why does it have to be that way? That's just one perspective to look at things. Can it be easily achieved and still be deamed and achievement? I was stumped there. I tot about it long and hard, and i came up with this conclusion. Why must the road be long and why must the journey be ardous before a person can be contented? If the road was simple but it was where you wanted to go in the first place, would you have achieved your objective and therefore, should you not be satisfied as well?
And so we spent a good part of the night, these friends and i debating about this. TG as usual was vehement about his point of view. That it must be fought for so that one would treasure it. And that what was handled to you on a silver platter would not mean as much. And i was fervid about my point of view. That sometimes, life hands you a silver platter and should you therefore not accept it and enjoy its goodness?
I can see where TG is coming from. I then made this statement to him. That its alright to want to be a mediocre person. That not everyone wants to be rich, not everyone wants to be a boss. Some people enjoy living the life of an ordinary person. And he posed me a question that got me think. And i guess that is one question that has been on my mind for the whole of this year. What defines an extraordinary person and what defines a mediocre person. And can one truly be contented if you know what lies out there?
I remember the book, the Devil and Miss Pyrm by Paulo Coelho. To my understanding after reading the book, it was about contentment and life. I'm too lazy to describe what the book was about. But i guess you need to read it for yourself to see what our topic of discussion was going. And suddenly it hit me that i was merely in denial. A friend was back from community service in Cambodia the other day. And he told me that he wishes to go back there again. And this was coz he saw how contented the children were there. They were so carefree and happy. Did they know that there was life out of their little village. Some of these children did not even have an education coz their parents could not afford to send them to school. So when they grow up, they will probably take over farming or whatever skills their parents have imparted to them and this will continue on until someone breaks the cycle. And yet, in some parts of the world, where the population is generally more affluent, education is compulsory. And he said he wished he could live there and be like them. So i posed him this question. It was good to go there for a short while. But would you truly be contented? Becoz you know what you're missing out on?
It was an interesting topic that at least managed to keep many of us interested for the night. And at some point of time, i actually teared. It took a lot of familarity for me to tear in front of him. Coz u know that i am not someone who tears easily. Or maybe i am. I just don't like to show it very much. Anyway, it was a good talk albeit the fact that it was probably a little too roller coaster for my liking... sighz
Let me first talk about the day in general. Now that i come to think about it, i think i'm a rather long winded person. Or maybe i just enjoying writing once i'm in a writing mood.
I spent almost the whole day from last nite when i returned home after receiving my Christmas present from a friend, and having a late coffee session, fiddling with my new toy. Received an ipod shuffle for Christmas. It was clearly very pleasant. And if behind every action there is a positive intention, then i can see many reasons why an ipod shuffle was a great gift. Anyhow, being the computer idiot that i am, after all, all i know is how to type in my blog, go to friendster and check email, i spent close to 16 hours getting the ipod shuffle to work. I think i've clearly read the instruction booklet a good 20 times in 16 hours, and done every conceivable action i could. And the conclusion was that i still could not work it. Anyway, i decided to give it up to meet a couple of good friends for dinner and subsequently to go partying with Superman.
Dinner was a simple affair at one of the places that i truly love coz of the avocado squeeze more then the food really. And when i met this girlfriend of mine, i was baffled at how she was feeling. Here was a girl that just got attached to an extremely understanding and loving man, and she was missing her ex boyfriend coz he finally decided to stop waiting for her and get attached. Sometimes, i wonder at this sort of stuff maybe coz i wonder how come people never treasure what they have and when they finally lose it, it seems like this one person they never treasured suddenly becomes the most important person in their lives. And therein, i relearnt my first lesson. And that is that i should treasure the person that i am with now, at this point. And not when the person is ready to leave.
So after dinner, we decided to go take a walk and eventually ended up having coffee at coffee bean. Nothing much happened there. Was really looking forward to going partying with Superman. Haven't partied with him for a while now.
I sms Mr TG if he was going. And got a negative reply. But that didn't dampen the mood really. Was really looking forward to partying i guess. And when i finally reached Thumpers, Superman came out to bring me in and also shared with me a good piece of news. Apparently, my favourite person was turning up after all. And so, that really did brighten up the mood. And i was a happy camper from then on. If only life could be so simple.
And so when he arrived with two other friends, we all engaged in conversation and we talked about many topics. Now you know that although i'm long winded, i wouldn't go into such nitty gritty details if i didn't think it would build up the story. So we chanced upon this topic of conversation about giving your number out at a club, pub, nightspot etc. And the topic led us to an interesting philosophical discussion about mankind in general.
And so we talked, we debated, and whatever you could think about for a long long while. And i guess that was how the rest of the night progressed. Each had their points of view and i could clearly see where he was coming from. But i remember not too long ago where i had this same mentality. I remembered sharing with Papa Bear that life was very funny. That for the life of me i could not understand life.(No pun inteneded) I shared with him how hard it was to succeed. Coz if it was a simple success, it probably wouldn't feel anything. So it has to be something of a stretch. Something that you might not have achieved if you had just gave a half assed effort. It had to be something that you gained out of sweat, hard work. And then you will have lots of pride and you will feel good coz it would feel like an achievement. I remember Papa Bear asking me, why does it have to be that way? That's just one perspective to look at things. Can it be easily achieved and still be deamed and achievement? I was stumped there. I tot about it long and hard, and i came up with this conclusion. Why must the road be long and why must the journey be ardous before a person can be contented? If the road was simple but it was where you wanted to go in the first place, would you have achieved your objective and therefore, should you not be satisfied as well?
And so we spent a good part of the night, these friends and i debating about this. TG as usual was vehement about his point of view. That it must be fought for so that one would treasure it. And that what was handled to you on a silver platter would not mean as much. And i was fervid about my point of view. That sometimes, life hands you a silver platter and should you therefore not accept it and enjoy its goodness?
I can see where TG is coming from. I then made this statement to him. That its alright to want to be a mediocre person. That not everyone wants to be rich, not everyone wants to be a boss. Some people enjoy living the life of an ordinary person. And he posed me a question that got me think. And i guess that is one question that has been on my mind for the whole of this year. What defines an extraordinary person and what defines a mediocre person. And can one truly be contented if you know what lies out there?
I remember the book, the Devil and Miss Pyrm by Paulo Coelho. To my understanding after reading the book, it was about contentment and life. I'm too lazy to describe what the book was about. But i guess you need to read it for yourself to see what our topic of discussion was going. And suddenly it hit me that i was merely in denial. A friend was back from community service in Cambodia the other day. And he told me that he wishes to go back there again. And this was coz he saw how contented the children were there. They were so carefree and happy. Did they know that there was life out of their little village. Some of these children did not even have an education coz their parents could not afford to send them to school. So when they grow up, they will probably take over farming or whatever skills their parents have imparted to them and this will continue on until someone breaks the cycle. And yet, in some parts of the world, where the population is generally more affluent, education is compulsory. And he said he wished he could live there and be like them. So i posed him this question. It was good to go there for a short while. But would you truly be contented? Becoz you know what you're missing out on?
It was an interesting topic that at least managed to keep many of us interested for the night. And at some point of time, i actually teared. It took a lot of familarity for me to tear in front of him. Coz u know that i am not someone who tears easily. Or maybe i am. I just don't like to show it very much. Anyway, it was a good talk albeit the fact that it was probably a little too roller coaster for my liking... sighz
Friday, December 30, 2005
One wish for Christmas. What would it be?
Below is an excerpt
A: If there was one thing you can have from Christmas. What would it be?
B: Well, what sort of question is that?
A: What was something that you wanted for Christmas but didn't get?
B: You?
A: Something material..
B: Nothing in mind i guess...
Yup. He has returned and seeing him was worth more then any present anyone could have given me. And i guess if he was a genie and he could grant me any wish, then it was the wish i made way before Christmas. I wish i could cuddle up next to him and just spend some time together. But, we do not live in a world where we have genies. So no one is going to grant me that wish.
Funny how all my life growing up, i realise that i've never really wanted a present very much. I've always wanted someone's presence more. When Guardian and i were together, somehow or rather, we always seem to miss the occassions. And when we finally broke up and were still seeing each other on and off, i remember him asking me each year what i wanted for Christmas. There were so many gifts, to always make up for the fact that he had to spend Christmas with his girlfriend then, and when he got married, the gifts became more costly. Maybe from the fact that he knew all i wanted for Christmas was to spend time with him. I remember the palm, the necklace, the watch, the sponsered trip to Bangkok(without him of course). The list goes on.
And the only present i really wanted, was his presence. And years later, a sucker i still am. Not so much Guardian now, but for this other guy. I cannot understand my fascination for him. Maybe its merely a crush. Maybe its infatuation. Maybe i'm in love. But every arrow, not cupid's. But directional arrows, tell me that i'm going down the wrong road. And there are days where i wish i could snap out of it. And yet, his very presence brings a smile to my face and a frown to my heart. Oh what utter dilemma this has turned out to be.
You know what i loved best about what he gave me for Christmas? It was a card he made. That was better then the two presents he gave me. Something so simple, yet it means the most. Maybe coz it took time. And time is something that i feel i seldom get from him. It has been 20 days since we last met. And, i guess i really just wanted to spend more time with him. And yet, that was too tough. I sat with him in his car and drove from Orchard to Suntec coz he said he had to get something from office. That extra 5 minutes was worth the bus trip back to Orchard once again to pick up my bike. And its times like these where i appreciate even the additional 5 minutes.
Somehow, i feel like i'm building my own sandcastles, and when the next tide comes in, it will all get washed away. And i will be there to stare out at the waves and wonder how something so beautiful and magnificant can also be so deadly. How falling in love with him could be the bane of my life. Make believe? Perharps. Not even sure if i need to make new year resolutions this year. I never seem to keep them anyway.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Post Christmas
Alright. I admit. I was just lazy to blog. Sue me.
After all the bells have stopped ringing, after all the presents have been distributed by Santa's helpers, after all the laughter and all the cheer, after all the alcohol has subsided, i must finally admit that i did do something stupid after all. Shan't say what it is. But this is one Christmas i'll remember. Not so much for that one stupid act but rather for the fact that i spent the season of merry making being sick. Sighz. Such is life.
Shall stop being such a grouch. Had a relatively pleasant Christmas if i overlook the above mentioned incidents. Had 2 Christmas eve parties to attend, 2 Christmas events to attend, and one post Christmas day party to top it off. And the there was the movie gala on the 27th. All in all i guess it was great, if i wasn't so busy being in severe pain. At least now i'm fully recovered and rearing to go. At least new year will be pleasant. More parties.
Got many presents this year. Got a wallet, a necklace, 2 bracelets, lots of toiletries, couple of toys. Guess Santa must have felt that i was a good girl this year. Either that or i'm blessed with many good friends in my life who always see it fit to make me feel loved. I only bought presents for 5 people. Mum, brother, my star, a special friend and Mr Tour Guide.
Anyway, enough of rambling about Christmas. It was fine. Overall, a 7 out of a 10.
Last night, i was out with 2 friends, and we got in talking about us and the things people do in general. And something hit me. It was a statement that one of the girls made. Something about starting and ending your day with a lie.
I hate it when friends lie to me. No, i am no saint and i am prone to occasional lying. White lies really. But i never deliberately lie so that i can do something else. I'll fib once in a while when people ask if i have money although sometimes, i'm not certain when the next pay check is coming. If it's just an acquaintence, i'll fib so that i don't have to go out and meet the person if i'm real tired. But, if its a close friend or someone i truly care about, you get the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Is it then too much to ask for the person to do the same? To let me know when they have something on, or to let me know when they can't meet up? Or simply coz they have other engagements. Is it really so hard to tell the truth? Or is it really so darn difficult to enlighten me with the truth. Do i actually look like i'll blow up or that i can't handle the truth? Oh well, life is such i guess. And today, maybe if i had confronted the person, i would have gotten the truth. Or maybe not. Who knows. All i know is that i feel confused. And slightly betrayed. And i wonder and i wonder, whether between friends, its too much to ask for honesty.
After all the bells have stopped ringing, after all the presents have been distributed by Santa's helpers, after all the laughter and all the cheer, after all the alcohol has subsided, i must finally admit that i did do something stupid after all. Shan't say what it is. But this is one Christmas i'll remember. Not so much for that one stupid act but rather for the fact that i spent the season of merry making being sick. Sighz. Such is life.
Shall stop being such a grouch. Had a relatively pleasant Christmas if i overlook the above mentioned incidents. Had 2 Christmas eve parties to attend, 2 Christmas events to attend, and one post Christmas day party to top it off. And the there was the movie gala on the 27th. All in all i guess it was great, if i wasn't so busy being in severe pain. At least now i'm fully recovered and rearing to go. At least new year will be pleasant. More parties.
Got many presents this year. Got a wallet, a necklace, 2 bracelets, lots of toiletries, couple of toys. Guess Santa must have felt that i was a good girl this year. Either that or i'm blessed with many good friends in my life who always see it fit to make me feel loved. I only bought presents for 5 people. Mum, brother, my star, a special friend and Mr Tour Guide.
Anyway, enough of rambling about Christmas. It was fine. Overall, a 7 out of a 10.
Last night, i was out with 2 friends, and we got in talking about us and the things people do in general. And something hit me. It was a statement that one of the girls made. Something about starting and ending your day with a lie.
I hate it when friends lie to me. No, i am no saint and i am prone to occasional lying. White lies really. But i never deliberately lie so that i can do something else. I'll fib once in a while when people ask if i have money although sometimes, i'm not certain when the next pay check is coming. If it's just an acquaintence, i'll fib so that i don't have to go out and meet the person if i'm real tired. But, if its a close friend or someone i truly care about, you get the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Is it then too much to ask for the person to do the same? To let me know when they have something on, or to let me know when they can't meet up? Or simply coz they have other engagements. Is it really so hard to tell the truth? Or is it really so darn difficult to enlighten me with the truth. Do i actually look like i'll blow up or that i can't handle the truth? Oh well, life is such i guess. And today, maybe if i had confronted the person, i would have gotten the truth. Or maybe not. Who knows. All i know is that i feel confused. And slightly betrayed. And i wonder and i wonder, whether between friends, its too much to ask for honesty.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Scrooge
I have been hearing christmas songs being played over the public speakers for many days now. In fact, many years. One song that i absolutely detest goes something like this. "Last Christmas, i gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, i'll give it to someone special....."
What the f**k is this bloody song about? If you ask me, it bloody doesn't make sense. Last year, if you chose to give your heart to someone, then the person muz have been special in some ways right? So who's to say this year, when you think this person is special, you would not feel that way again next year at Christmas.
Lets think about it on a logical level. The only reason why any sane person would give his/her heart away in the first place was coz you felt taht a person was special. That there was some sort of connection, or maybe even chemistry. And so, you decide to fall in love, and then it doesn't turn out right. SO you blame the other person for playing with your heart, and hurting you. And so, this year, you choose to once again, fall in love with another person that seems more worthy this time round, and judging by the track record, chances are, you will bitch about the fact that this new person broke your heart as well, and Christmas sucks.
Frankly, i love Christmas. Until many years ago. But i learnt a lesson this year. You know how people tend to look forward to Christmas coz it is a nice way to spend time with the people you love and all that? Well, what if the people choose not to spend time with you. Does it mean that you are not special to them? I made a conscious choice to over hype Christmas this year as i thought that i would at least be able to see someone special just before Christmas.
I made loads and loads of plans, thought of new ideas as to what to do to make the night we meet a memorable one. What things to give this very special person. And like a house of cards, it just takes a gust of wind to topple it all. We're not meeting anymore. And i ask myself, why i chose to make this one special person the highlight of my Christmas. For in doing so, i set myself up for disappointment. And well, it doesn't matter really what he gets me for Christmas anymore. Coz i only ask for one thing this Christmas. And that was his presence. Anything else i receive from him this Christmas, would not mean anything except a promise unfulfilled.
Blessed Christmas one and all
What the f**k is this bloody song about? If you ask me, it bloody doesn't make sense. Last year, if you chose to give your heart to someone, then the person muz have been special in some ways right? So who's to say this year, when you think this person is special, you would not feel that way again next year at Christmas.
Lets think about it on a logical level. The only reason why any sane person would give his/her heart away in the first place was coz you felt taht a person was special. That there was some sort of connection, or maybe even chemistry. And so, you decide to fall in love, and then it doesn't turn out right. SO you blame the other person for playing with your heart, and hurting you. And so, this year, you choose to once again, fall in love with another person that seems more worthy this time round, and judging by the track record, chances are, you will bitch about the fact that this new person broke your heart as well, and Christmas sucks.
Frankly, i love Christmas. Until many years ago. But i learnt a lesson this year. You know how people tend to look forward to Christmas coz it is a nice way to spend time with the people you love and all that? Well, what if the people choose not to spend time with you. Does it mean that you are not special to them? I made a conscious choice to over hype Christmas this year as i thought that i would at least be able to see someone special just before Christmas.
I made loads and loads of plans, thought of new ideas as to what to do to make the night we meet a memorable one. What things to give this very special person. And like a house of cards, it just takes a gust of wind to topple it all. We're not meeting anymore. And i ask myself, why i chose to make this one special person the highlight of my Christmas. For in doing so, i set myself up for disappointment. And well, it doesn't matter really what he gets me for Christmas anymore. Coz i only ask for one thing this Christmas. And that was his presence. Anything else i receive from him this Christmas, would not mean anything except a promise unfulfilled.
Blessed Christmas one and all
Back from IAG Malaysia
I'm back!!!!!!!!! Never missed singapore that much in my whole entire life. It was an experience, and yet again, it was tiring and frustrating. All i can say is that i'm finally back. And its close to Christmas already. I have nothing much to write actually. Or maybe i just don't feel like writing about the camp.
All i know is that as a person gets more experienced in the camp, you get more responsibilities. I spoke to a little boy on the last day of the camp. He needed some closure from the activities that we did. And it was interesting in a sense coz it was precisely from the same activity that i chose not to do.
His fears? Same as mine i guess. It really is amazing how things come a full circle. And how some people tend to let fear overwhelm them. And paralyze them from achieving their fullest potential.
As i talked to him, it dawned on me that i too have been walking in a shadow. Only because not making a choice would also mean not facing the consequences the choice has. And as i let this 11 year old boy teach me a lesson in life, i return back to singapore and ask myself, the same question i posed to this boy. How do you want to lead your life? In fear? Or to create your own life, and eventually look back and know that no matter where life takes you, you have already succeeded coz u were courageous in making a choice...
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Christmas Shopping
Took the day off to shop for Christmas presents. No prizes for guessing who's present i bought first. Yup. Headed to Toys'R'Us to buy him an I dog. Wanted to wait and see if i could find other colours. But he said white would do. And stocks were running low. According to the store sales person, its really popular among the kids. Faint.. guess i'm interested in an overgrown kid.
Anyway, he told me that they have it in different colors in Hong Kong. Sighz. Don't mind going back to Hong Kong to buy him his present. But i guess that's the life for the rich. Will check to see if ebay has it, or any stores in Singapore carry other colors. Then at least his present will be unique. Doubt it'll be much of a surprise if he already knows what present he will be getting.
Got a couple more presents to buy, but not sure if i can afford everything. SIghz.. Wish i was stil having a normal paying job. This commission thing ain't working out too well for me. Will stick around though. At least that was what i promised myself.
Anyway, i wonder what he'll be getting me for christmas. As well as bro. Both are keeping mum about it. Then again, its nicer getting a present that i don't know of. Short of him presenting himself gift wrapped to me, i can't really think of anything that i really want.
I really wanted to spend Christmas with him. But he's going to Hong Kong and i guess he doesn't want to spend Christmas with me. Frankly, it doesn't really matter what present he gets. It's his presence that means more. Its like, exchanging gifts is just an excuse to see him and spend some time together. And yet, at times, i feel like i'm forcing an issue. If he was seriously even remotely interested in me, he would have agreed to be my boyfriend ages ago. And the fact that he hasn't speaks volumes.
Anyway, i guess somehow, at the deepest bottom of my heart, i wonder why is it so difficult sometimes. I know i want him to be happy. Just wondering why can't we both be happy at the same time. Oh well, i can only go on wishing and hoping. Maybe one day, my wish will come true. Signing off
Anyway, he told me that they have it in different colors in Hong Kong. Sighz. Don't mind going back to Hong Kong to buy him his present. But i guess that's the life for the rich. Will check to see if ebay has it, or any stores in Singapore carry other colors. Then at least his present will be unique. Doubt it'll be much of a surprise if he already knows what present he will be getting.
Got a couple more presents to buy, but not sure if i can afford everything. SIghz.. Wish i was stil having a normal paying job. This commission thing ain't working out too well for me. Will stick around though. At least that was what i promised myself.
Anyway, i wonder what he'll be getting me for christmas. As well as bro. Both are keeping mum about it. Then again, its nicer getting a present that i don't know of. Short of him presenting himself gift wrapped to me, i can't really think of anything that i really want.
I really wanted to spend Christmas with him. But he's going to Hong Kong and i guess he doesn't want to spend Christmas with me. Frankly, it doesn't really matter what present he gets. It's his presence that means more. Its like, exchanging gifts is just an excuse to see him and spend some time together. And yet, at times, i feel like i'm forcing an issue. If he was seriously even remotely interested in me, he would have agreed to be my boyfriend ages ago. And the fact that he hasn't speaks volumes.
Anyway, i guess somehow, at the deepest bottom of my heart, i wonder why is it so difficult sometimes. I know i want him to be happy. Just wondering why can't we both be happy at the same time. Oh well, i can only go on wishing and hoping. Maybe one day, my wish will come true. Signing off
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Marrying off my best friend
Someone made the most apt remark during dinner. He said, you gals look like you are marrying off your sister. The two jie meis looked at each other and as we smiled and nodded our heads, a tear dropped. She hurriedly wiped it off and said, cannot tear tonight liaoz. If not all the mascarra will be gone.
And what words of wisdom.
It really felt like i was marrying off a younger sister. Especially at the point of the video montage where we saw our secondary school picture where we still looked super geeky then. And how much have we grown and blossomed since then. How much more have we learnt about life and how have we handled all the things life has thrown to us over the years.
It was not just her wedding that made the whole day emotionally draining, it was rushing between two weddings, and having to make a choice about giving up going for the third that made it so.
I could only be jie mei to one of the two girl friends that were getting married. So it had to be my best friend. After all, i guess we aren't called best friends for nothing. So, the morning started at 6am where we reached her place to prepare for the arrival of the xiong dis. Thank goodness i was planning to spend the whole day out. So i bought two dresses along. Got the first one stained with grease. The xiong dis were really sporting i think. Went for a morning swim, did a dance, ate potent stuff and all that nonsense.
Anyway, proceeded with gg back to his place for the tea ceremony, going out to take some pictures, and back to her place for tea ceremony.
Then i rushed down for the other church and luncheon. Missed the church though. And lo and behold, who should i meet at the wedding. Yes, lots of friends ranging from college, to uni, to eusoff and also netballers. The usual bunch at all of our weddings to come i presume. And i saw mad driver there. He noticed me first incidentally. Was super shocked when he came up behind me and said, see you outside for a smoke.
Haven't seen him for some time now. And he still looks the same. We chatted a little, and apparently he and the groom were childhood mates. HA.. What a small world. Anyway, we smoked together like twice, and he asked me how come i seem a lot more distant then usual. Guess i was just tired. It had been a draining day. Not to mention all the emotions that swept past.
Went back to the hotel to start and help prepare for dinner. Had the guest list to settle, making sure of sequence of events. And etc, etc, etc.
Dinner went smoothly. Didn't have to help girl drink much. Only left her to drink with the people that she met her hubby with. And well, finally i'm home.
I guess seeing two close friends get married today, and more invitations to come, really makes me wonder if people get married due to true love or due to being so used to each other. The first couple have been dating for 5 years now. The second, 5 mths. Interesting.
And as i blog and i recall the day's events, i think about someone so special to me lately. And there is a warnth in my heart. Alright, really need to hit the sack. Have 3 hrs of sleep before i need to be at training. Yawn
Fishing for compliments
It was rather hilarious now that i think about it. Was out shopping with the girls the other day and bought this purple/maroon top. It was meant for girl's wedding, and since she liked the top and she did mention if i cannot find a dress for her wedding, i am permitted to wear the top and pants, i bought it. Not that i was real comfortable with the idea of not being able to wear a bra with the top.
Anyway, it was Superman's friend's birthday party last night and i knew that somehow, he would have been invited. And i guess i wanted to dress to impress. Come to think of it, i've slowly started the make up and nicer jeans and top thing since i've known him, but guess i've never really bothered to dress up just to go out to party. Anyway, was dressed to the nines, or so i thought.
It felt good that everyone that imet that day complimented on just how hot and sexy they tot i looked. And it was sweet, coz i don't really figure myself for the hot and sexy type. More the fit and athletic type. So, the comments were refreshing. But yet i knew at the bottom of my heart, that everyone can compliment me, and it doesn't really matter. What matters was the compliment from the one person who chose to turn up after midnight, and didn't say a thing about my dressing.
Oh well, i guess i have to live with the fact that seriously, i doubt i'm his kind of girl. So maybe, no matter what i wear, i will not be looking any better or any worse. I will just be me..
Anyway, it was Superman's friend's birthday party last night and i knew that somehow, he would have been invited. And i guess i wanted to dress to impress. Come to think of it, i've slowly started the make up and nicer jeans and top thing since i've known him, but guess i've never really bothered to dress up just to go out to party. Anyway, was dressed to the nines, or so i thought.
It felt good that everyone that imet that day complimented on just how hot and sexy they tot i looked. And it was sweet, coz i don't really figure myself for the hot and sexy type. More the fit and athletic type. So, the comments were refreshing. But yet i knew at the bottom of my heart, that everyone can compliment me, and it doesn't really matter. What matters was the compliment from the one person who chose to turn up after midnight, and didn't say a thing about my dressing.
Oh well, i guess i have to live with the fact that seriously, i doubt i'm his kind of girl. So maybe, no matter what i wear, i will not be looking any better or any worse. I will just be me..
Friday, December 09, 2005
Relieved
Hello
Hello
I feel a load has been lifted off my shoulders. And its a feeling that makes me feel relieved. Even happy.
My friend who was admitted into hospital has been discharged so all is fine now i guess. At least she got discharged with a happy ending. She and her other half are officially together. Took a near death for them to figure out that they want to be with each other. Funny how things work out at the end of the day. Maybe i should stop worrying so much from now onwards. It seems that there is always a guardian angel somewhere, watching out for everyone. Maybe my Guardian Angel just took a long leave of Absence. Anyway, good to know all worked out.
Saw him on Msn yesterday. And although i was once again disturbing his extremely hectic schedule, we had a good talk. Don't ask me wat is good. I can't explain. Guess it was really a clearing of the air that had held many question marks. Or maybe like wat he said, it's about finding peace within myself. Maybe its a resolution of sorts. Maybe i know now that it's alright to like someone lots. And it really doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same way i do. But at least he knows. At least its one of those better to have loved and failed then not to have loved at all.
I smsed Guardian earlier on in the day. I guess before talking to him and before finding someone to share with, i needed to talk to someone. He called me back. We talked and all. And it felt good to have chat with someone that understood. Someone that has always been around. And it was yet another good talk. Good why? Good coz somehow, it felt different. It's like i know for a fact that we'll always remain as friends. And yet, what i need now from him, and what he needs from me has changed over the years.
I'm not sure what the explaination is as well. He talked about leaving her. In the past, i would have jumped at this. After all, i've always wanted him back. And he asked if i would be there for him this time round. Maybe its also what i feel for Tour Guide, or maybe its the knowledge that i can grow and can still be strong. I told him, i'll always be around as a friend. But, things between us ended too long ago. Maybe we know each other too well. Or rather, i know him too well to know he needs only someone to be there for him. And one day he will walk away again. And i've given up enough of my life to be constantly around. And maybe i'm tired. Or maybe just maybe, i don't love him with that intensity that i did many years back.
Seems like a good time to clear the air. WIth the new year around the corner, things are tidying up quite nicely. Actually i feel like grown quite a bit since...
Hello
I feel a load has been lifted off my shoulders. And its a feeling that makes me feel relieved. Even happy.
My friend who was admitted into hospital has been discharged so all is fine now i guess. At least she got discharged with a happy ending. She and her other half are officially together. Took a near death for them to figure out that they want to be with each other. Funny how things work out at the end of the day. Maybe i should stop worrying so much from now onwards. It seems that there is always a guardian angel somewhere, watching out for everyone. Maybe my Guardian Angel just took a long leave of Absence. Anyway, good to know all worked out.
Saw him on Msn yesterday. And although i was once again disturbing his extremely hectic schedule, we had a good talk. Don't ask me wat is good. I can't explain. Guess it was really a clearing of the air that had held many question marks. Or maybe like wat he said, it's about finding peace within myself. Maybe its a resolution of sorts. Maybe i know now that it's alright to like someone lots. And it really doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same way i do. But at least he knows. At least its one of those better to have loved and failed then not to have loved at all.
I smsed Guardian earlier on in the day. I guess before talking to him and before finding someone to share with, i needed to talk to someone. He called me back. We talked and all. And it felt good to have chat with someone that understood. Someone that has always been around. And it was yet another good talk. Good why? Good coz somehow, it felt different. It's like i know for a fact that we'll always remain as friends. And yet, what i need now from him, and what he needs from me has changed over the years.
I'm not sure what the explaination is as well. He talked about leaving her. In the past, i would have jumped at this. After all, i've always wanted him back. And he asked if i would be there for him this time round. Maybe its also what i feel for Tour Guide, or maybe its the knowledge that i can grow and can still be strong. I told him, i'll always be around as a friend. But, things between us ended too long ago. Maybe we know each other too well. Or rather, i know him too well to know he needs only someone to be there for him. And one day he will walk away again. And i've given up enough of my life to be constantly around. And maybe i'm tired. Or maybe just maybe, i don't love him with that intensity that i did many years back.
Seems like a good time to clear the air. WIth the new year around the corner, things are tidying up quite nicely. Actually i feel like grown quite a bit since...
Thursday, December 08, 2005
The Reason - Hoobastank
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hearI
've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hearI
've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
Whats the reason to live?
What's my reason to live? I've asked myself this like a million times since i was 20. And i've not found a reason. So why do i live? That maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Or maybe, i made a promise to my friends that it wun happen again. It also has to do with the fact that i told them that i will never pu them through such misery again.
The last time it happened, i guess Guardian spent every waking moment that he was not working with me. And yet, what happened? After i came out of hospital, he still walked. So, was it all worth it? Besides going through 3 weeks of agony, i could not phantom why it would have been worth it. Oh yeah, maybe it was gd coz i ended up knowing who really cared about me. But then again, i know that they cared for me in the first place.
5 years later, i'm still searching for a reason. A reason as to why i want to live. Someone told me once, that the next time someone special comes along, i will kick myself in the ass and asked why i even did something so stupid..
Guess nothing changes.. tears rolled...uncertainty mounts... '
He called last nite.. or did i blog on that already. I feel bad for bugging him. I'm scared coz i know i feel the way i did 5 years back again. I just suddenly feel like i don't want friends anymore. I don't want to be close to anyone. Being close will hurt. At the same time, maybe keeping my distance will make me a stronger person.
The last time it happened, i guess Guardian spent every waking moment that he was not working with me. And yet, what happened? After i came out of hospital, he still walked. So, was it all worth it? Besides going through 3 weeks of agony, i could not phantom why it would have been worth it. Oh yeah, maybe it was gd coz i ended up knowing who really cared about me. But then again, i know that they cared for me in the first place.
5 years later, i'm still searching for a reason. A reason as to why i want to live. Someone told me once, that the next time someone special comes along, i will kick myself in the ass and asked why i even did something so stupid..
Guess nothing changes.. tears rolled...uncertainty mounts... '
He called last nite.. or did i blog on that already. I feel bad for bugging him. I'm scared coz i know i feel the way i did 5 years back again. I just suddenly feel like i don't want friends anymore. I don't want to be close to anyone. Being close will hurt. At the same time, maybe keeping my distance will make me a stronger person.
Mother Hen 2
He's back in town today. I went down to Zouk for a Hen's nite. We chatted on MSN earlier on and i told him i needed to talk. Told him to call me when he was free. He didn't bother to come look for me although he was at Velvet. He didn't bother to call till i sms him at 1am. I hate being this way. Hate being needy. And yet, i think about the fact that i seldom tell him that i need to talk. And if it was my friend, i would have called.
And i guess maybe that's why i am having so much conflict. Or maybe i am being the kind of friend that i do not want to be back to him.
He called finally to say he didn't understand women. I really couldn't hear him very well over the phone. I guess i was too gone by then. I really just wanted someone to hear me out. Someone to understand what i felt. And yet, it was a mistake....
Last nite, i met a long time couple. A couple that have been dating for ages, who bought a apartment together, a car together and i know enough to know one of them wants to stay together for the rest of their lives. They broke up 6 mths back, and when i asked her if she still cared for him, she said something that i could identify with. She said, i care a lot. Maybe to the extend that it's like what a mother cares for a child. And yet, i know he needs his time to grow up and mature. And see that i am what he wants. If he never finds it, then i will have to live with it.
It struck a chord close to heart. I've never been so interested in a man before. Maybe only Guardian. And yet, like i said before, till today, i care about Guardian lots. I care about this new guy lots too. I worry when he is out of town, wondering if everything is fine. When he is back, i like to see him on MSN or in life, so i know he is fine. I wish there was a lot more i could do for him. And i guess what scared me for a while was the fact that i actually wanted to be around to take care of him for the rest of his life.
Maybe he doesn't need taking care of. Maybe he doesn't even want someone in his life. And yet, there is strong calling. And that is what scares me. Coz he is twice as old as me. He will age faster then me. And yet, that night, i realized that i didn't mind doing that for the rest of my life, i was terrified.
I'm not even sure how he feels about me. He's mentioned before that he is not looking for a relationship. That he is not interested in having a gf. I cannot understand why and yet, all i want is for him to be happy.
Once in a while, i feel like i need someone to just hear me out. To listen to me and for me to share with him the good and the bad. The happy times and the sad times. He mentioned once before that his ideal girl is someone who will let him run the house. TO be head of the family. Is that really so difficult? At the end of the day, i'm just looking for someone to care about me.
I know he tried calling when he reached home. But i was taking care of girl at the point of time. She was drunk, had to send her home.
Sometimes, i feel like i can no longer be there for everyone. While i am there for each and everyone of my friends, who is there for me? There are nights like tonight where i wish i can collapse in someone's arms and for that person to tell me that everything will work out fine. Hug me, cuddle me and protect me. And i can fall asleep knowing that when i wake tml, it's going to be a brand new day.
Sometimes, i wish i had the power to make a man love me, or like me. I don't need an extremely good looking man. I don't need an extremely wealthy man. All i ask is a man who cares, someone whom i can talk to. And someone who will hug me and tell me its going to be oki...
And i guess maybe that's why i am having so much conflict. Or maybe i am being the kind of friend that i do not want to be back to him.
He called finally to say he didn't understand women. I really couldn't hear him very well over the phone. I guess i was too gone by then. I really just wanted someone to hear me out. Someone to understand what i felt. And yet, it was a mistake....
Last nite, i met a long time couple. A couple that have been dating for ages, who bought a apartment together, a car together and i know enough to know one of them wants to stay together for the rest of their lives. They broke up 6 mths back, and when i asked her if she still cared for him, she said something that i could identify with. She said, i care a lot. Maybe to the extend that it's like what a mother cares for a child. And yet, i know he needs his time to grow up and mature. And see that i am what he wants. If he never finds it, then i will have to live with it.
It struck a chord close to heart. I've never been so interested in a man before. Maybe only Guardian. And yet, like i said before, till today, i care about Guardian lots. I care about this new guy lots too. I worry when he is out of town, wondering if everything is fine. When he is back, i like to see him on MSN or in life, so i know he is fine. I wish there was a lot more i could do for him. And i guess what scared me for a while was the fact that i actually wanted to be around to take care of him for the rest of his life.
Maybe he doesn't need taking care of. Maybe he doesn't even want someone in his life. And yet, there is strong calling. And that is what scares me. Coz he is twice as old as me. He will age faster then me. And yet, that night, i realized that i didn't mind doing that for the rest of my life, i was terrified.
I'm not even sure how he feels about me. He's mentioned before that he is not looking for a relationship. That he is not interested in having a gf. I cannot understand why and yet, all i want is for him to be happy.
Once in a while, i feel like i need someone to just hear me out. To listen to me and for me to share with him the good and the bad. The happy times and the sad times. He mentioned once before that his ideal girl is someone who will let him run the house. TO be head of the family. Is that really so difficult? At the end of the day, i'm just looking for someone to care about me.
I know he tried calling when he reached home. But i was taking care of girl at the point of time. She was drunk, had to send her home.
Sometimes, i feel like i can no longer be there for everyone. While i am there for each and everyone of my friends, who is there for me? There are nights like tonight where i wish i can collapse in someone's arms and for that person to tell me that everything will work out fine. Hug me, cuddle me and protect me. And i can fall asleep knowing that when i wake tml, it's going to be a brand new day.
Sometimes, i wish i had the power to make a man love me, or like me. I don't need an extremely good looking man. I don't need an extremely wealthy man. All i ask is a man who cares, someone whom i can talk to. And someone who will hug me and tell me its going to be oki...
Mother Hen
Well, just came back from a Hen's nite. Its funny how i feel the way i feel right now. For the longest of time, since i was back in secondary school, i've been like mother hen to all these girls. Somehow, it has to do with being my size. I'm not exactly small and petite, not exactly huge like hulk or shrek. Guess i'm just taller and bigger then the average girl. And so, since i was like in primary school, i've always been the protector of women who were weaker and smaller. Someone joked once many years ago, that my best fren and i were so different just in size alone. She is so small, and i'm so big. If we walked into a shop, if she could find a dress or top there, then chances are, the sizes are too small and i would be unable to find clothes there. If i can find clothes there, then the cutting is probably too big for her. And so, that's how we went through our school days. Today, we celebrated her Hen's nite and i will see her get married on Saturday.
As with most times when we go partying as a group, should any guy attempt to pick up one of the gals, they will switch places with me and i will once again become the shield for them. Never changes over the years.
And i guess there's where my greatest dilemma comes in. Over the years, i've grown protective over all my friends and sometimes even their friends. You know, the only time i ever felt that someone was protective over me and not the other way round was when i was with Guardian. Then, i guess since he was a guy, he was protective over me. And that sums up what i feel today.
A fren of mine did something really stupid today. She OD.. I empathise with her coz i've walked down that road before. But her doing it brought back many memories. Up till today, i guess if you ask me why i'm living, i'll tell you coz i feel bad disappointing all the people that i treasure and love. That i know that they will feel bad should i really OD and not make it. And if you ask me what's the value of my life, i would not know how to tell you. I guess it's precisely becoz of this feeling and that is why i will place most people's happiness above mine. If i care for that person. That explains why i will send all my friends home when i drive. That explains why i will come out with my friends when all i feel like doing is staying at home and sleeping.
Over the years, i've began to place my friends before me. I was never like that when i was in school. Maybe to a certain extent. But my own life, training and sports came first. I looked out for them when i feel that they needed me. But, it was my interest more then theirs. Its changed...
Anyway back to my friend, i guess i am not sure what to do with this one. I want to be a good friend, to be there for each and everyone of them. I don't want to play the role of the martyr. I know i am unable to. And yet again, i feel bad when my friends call and i am unable to be there for them.
Last night, i blew up at a friend who was quarreling with her bf. I lost my cool coz i could not stand seeing a friend taken advantage of. A friend who was lost. And yet, my anger was not directed at her. My anger was directed coz i did not understand and could do nothing about it....
Today, i got a call that she OD. I thought about what my friends did when i OD the last time. True, they have been friends with me for ages, but one never judges the depth of the friendship by the amount of time that you know a person.
I am in conflict actually. I know i cannot handle this. There is enough things going on in my life without having to deal with this. And yet, thats what friends are for.
Our friendship will change. I know that. But it is inevitable.
Coz last night, when the shit hit the fan, i knew that i couldn't stand being around and seeing it happen. I knew that my life was a lot screwed up as well. I knew i wanted someone else to be there for me.
TBC
As with most times when we go partying as a group, should any guy attempt to pick up one of the gals, they will switch places with me and i will once again become the shield for them. Never changes over the years.
And i guess there's where my greatest dilemma comes in. Over the years, i've grown protective over all my friends and sometimes even their friends. You know, the only time i ever felt that someone was protective over me and not the other way round was when i was with Guardian. Then, i guess since he was a guy, he was protective over me. And that sums up what i feel today.
A fren of mine did something really stupid today. She OD.. I empathise with her coz i've walked down that road before. But her doing it brought back many memories. Up till today, i guess if you ask me why i'm living, i'll tell you coz i feel bad disappointing all the people that i treasure and love. That i know that they will feel bad should i really OD and not make it. And if you ask me what's the value of my life, i would not know how to tell you. I guess it's precisely becoz of this feeling and that is why i will place most people's happiness above mine. If i care for that person. That explains why i will send all my friends home when i drive. That explains why i will come out with my friends when all i feel like doing is staying at home and sleeping.
Over the years, i've began to place my friends before me. I was never like that when i was in school. Maybe to a certain extent. But my own life, training and sports came first. I looked out for them when i feel that they needed me. But, it was my interest more then theirs. Its changed...
Anyway back to my friend, i guess i am not sure what to do with this one. I want to be a good friend, to be there for each and everyone of them. I don't want to play the role of the martyr. I know i am unable to. And yet again, i feel bad when my friends call and i am unable to be there for them.
Last night, i blew up at a friend who was quarreling with her bf. I lost my cool coz i could not stand seeing a friend taken advantage of. A friend who was lost. And yet, my anger was not directed at her. My anger was directed coz i did not understand and could do nothing about it....
Today, i got a call that she OD. I thought about what my friends did when i OD the last time. True, they have been friends with me for ages, but one never judges the depth of the friendship by the amount of time that you know a person.
I am in conflict actually. I know i cannot handle this. There is enough things going on in my life without having to deal with this. And yet, thats what friends are for.
Our friendship will change. I know that. But it is inevitable.
Coz last night, when the shit hit the fan, i knew that i couldn't stand being around and seeing it happen. I knew that my life was a lot screwed up as well. I knew i wanted someone else to be there for me.
TBC
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
wats the matter
Today i went out partying at the once monthly two queens event. Its really funny how a party nite that is meant to be fun turned out the way it was. A friend had a fight with her "friend with benefits". And it turned ugly. I guess at that point of time, i was sort of pissed. I mean, when u start one of this FWB relationships, you need to draw the line and know where you are heading. If one person chooses to blur the lines all the time, then is it really any one's fault but her own?
I guess as with all relationships, this one is no more complicated then any others. But it really did set me thinking. Is this really what relationships are all about? It was even worse since i just came from a wedding preparation of ger's wedding. And with so many of my friends getting married this month, i guess i really am at a loss. Why is it so hard for two people to get together let alone stay together?
I just found out tour guides age 3 days back. I guess i was shocked for a while. And i guess i haven been bloggin recently coz i really dun noe what to blog about. Kinda sad that my life is a constant routine that i'm desperately trying to get out of. I told someone this the other day. What truly matters is that you love the person with all your heart. And if you love the person with all your heart, then i guess there is no need to quarrel all the time. You know, i really believe quarrels come from the fact that there is a party that wants more while there is the other party which is unwilling to give more. Then at a time like this, one needs to make the decision of which is the lesser of two evils. To stay on and tolerate or to move on. Whichever decision, it would not be easy. And if it was so tough, then one knows that its not meant to be in the first place. Why force something that is not mean to be in the first place?
One day, if tour guide and i fight over this issue, i will know that its over. OR maybe its a matter of pride, of which i have close to none when it comes to someone i truly adore. Maybe with him, i will choose to walk away when the time is right.. till then, i live to fight another day.
I guess as with all relationships, this one is no more complicated then any others. But it really did set me thinking. Is this really what relationships are all about? It was even worse since i just came from a wedding preparation of ger's wedding. And with so many of my friends getting married this month, i guess i really am at a loss. Why is it so hard for two people to get together let alone stay together?
I just found out tour guides age 3 days back. I guess i was shocked for a while. And i guess i haven been bloggin recently coz i really dun noe what to blog about. Kinda sad that my life is a constant routine that i'm desperately trying to get out of. I told someone this the other day. What truly matters is that you love the person with all your heart. And if you love the person with all your heart, then i guess there is no need to quarrel all the time. You know, i really believe quarrels come from the fact that there is a party that wants more while there is the other party which is unwilling to give more. Then at a time like this, one needs to make the decision of which is the lesser of two evils. To stay on and tolerate or to move on. Whichever decision, it would not be easy. And if it was so tough, then one knows that its not meant to be in the first place. Why force something that is not mean to be in the first place?
One day, if tour guide and i fight over this issue, i will know that its over. OR maybe its a matter of pride, of which i have close to none when it comes to someone i truly adore. Maybe with him, i will choose to walk away when the time is right.. till then, i live to fight another day.
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