First Knocks

Someone once told me the first knocks in our lives are usually the most painful knocks. And its no wonder that after a couple of knocks, one tends to get numb or immue to them. Over the weekend, while i was busy spicing up my social and personal life, i came to certain revelations about a certain friend. Funny thing is, what would you do one day if you found your best friend or really good friend lied to you?
Should you feel sad? Hurt? Betrayed? Or should you just shrug your shoulders, accept that it happens, and move on? After all, isn't that what life is all about? Each time, something bad happens, i tell myself that i hope this would be all the lessons i'm taking from the school of hard knocks. But i've also come to realise that the lessons never end. The day it ends, would be the day i actually lie on my death bed, with my life flashing past me. But before that, i guess i just have to brace myself and carry on living.
The first knocks being the toughest, i can only look back and grin now that several days have gone by. I know i've grown up and am stronger coz i was quite unfazed by it. Or it could be merely that i'm a little numb to it all by now. Or it could really just be that i don't really care any longer. Or it could be that if i look deep within myself, i fib as well. Sometimes by adding details that are not there, sometimes by ommiting certain details and sometimes by just not sharing as well. So i guess if i fib as well, who am i to throw stones. Right?
Cheers

Heaven Knows - Rick Price

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's so far away
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holdin' on

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows

I believe in fairytales

Had a phone call from a friend last night. And she was upset, and i was doing my best to give her a listening ear. And it wasn't too tough coz for once, i was not distracted, and sat down and heard her out. And it felt good. Just listening to my friend, and being the best friend that i could be. And in the course of our conversation, we talked about loves and the people whom we love, the people who love us, but we don't love back. I brought up my prince charming theory. And i guess, when we finally put down the phone, i realised that no matter how cynical i claim to be, or how hurt or how much i never want to be with a man again, i still believe in fairytales. And that means, that somewhere out there, is a prince charming that i've yet to meet. And as long as i continue being good, i'm fine!
Alright, i confess, i did spend the day watching disney cartoons. And i guess what inherently drives all these cartoons is that Good always triumphs over EVIL. Somehow, i wish that could be said about the real world. But all that aside, sometimes, it merely takes a little more belief. The world is a beautiful place no matter how you look at it. Sometimes, grownups like myself forget the fairytale world, where they teach us to be nice to our friends, to work together, to live happily together and ever after. And after a while, when we forget this mantra, the world becomes an ugly place coz people no longer are nice. Deep down inside, they still are. Its just that over the years, they've sort of forgotten?
Maybe i'm just being naive here. Then again, that's just me and how i cope with a world that are full of things that i can barely comprehend. But the most important lesson hit me last night while i was watching tele. If you love someone, set them free. Reminds me of rick price's song, heaven knows. And at the same time, i am reminded that there was a time where this concept was strong in my head. At 17, i told Guardian, well, if you love that girl, go. I'll be happy for you. But somehow along the way, i became possesive and demanding, and i guess over the years, i haven't changed. Now i want to be the bigger person i was. Not in size. But in heart. And although i might not be extremely happy right from the start, as long as i keep those brownie points coming in, i'll be fine!

If we all onlly had 3 loves of our lives, i am out of the game

Alright. For the longest of time, i believed in fairytales. I mean, which child didn't right? And so for the fact that i really believed in fairytales, i also believed in the one true love of my life, sweeping me off my feet. If i'm not wrong, i did post something about cinderella and snow white theory before. Anyway, that aside, i guess in the weirdest of ways, i really wanted to believe that fairytales do exist. And like every naive little child, i wanted to be the princess in the fairytales. And if i couldn't be the princess in the fairytales, at least allow me to be the princess of my own fairytale.
And so, for a long time, i was allowed to be the princess of my little fairytale. As long as i didn't step out into the real world where other girls were also princesses of their own fairytale. I guess maybe that's why i never read a book with snow white and cinderella in it together. Because, that would have confused me as a child. They were after all, all waiting for 1 prince charming to arrive. And if all of them got their prince charming, and there was only 1 right, then how could all these woman be happy?
And so, as i grew up, stupid, naive and ignorant, i did eventually fall in love with a man. But that was not before i fell in love with a woman. Of course fairytales don't condone lesbianism. But really, how was i to know? I was young and naive, and all i could think about was being in love, having a companion, and wanting the person i loved to be truly happy. And so, when the woman thing didn't work out, coz she wasn't into lesbianism as well... Then i fell head over heels in love with the one man that i thought would be my prince charming.
We led 5 happy years together, happy as can be, and i guess i really believed in fairytales. And i was blissful that i was able to be just the princess in my own fairytale. It didn't matter what other women in the world were fighting about, i just knew as with all fairytales, that the odds would be against us, and yet, at the end of the day, we'll overcome the obstacles and we would live happily ever after!
Alas, that was not the case. And into the wind my 1st prince charming left. And i went back to flip the books again, and i realised, that well, genies give 3 wishes right? So, i should be given 3 chances to find my prince charming. And so with my little fairytale slightly dented but yet still full of eager hope, i embraced life and met the challenges it dished out to me. And then i met a lot of noble man along the way trying to pass off as my prince charming, but, i always had the eye for the prince. After all, i was the princess.
So one day, as with all fairy tales, i met prince charming again. Not the same prince charming, but a different one. And this prince charming was different from the last prince charming. And so, we had a couple months of blissful relationship, only to realise that actually, this was just a nobleman in disguise. And so, i guess i didn't use up my 3rd chance at love. And finally, after a long break, i met Prince Charming.
He really was a charming person, endearing in every way. And i was so convinced that this time round, this would be the one. But i guess the sad fact was, i never realised that in the fairytales, prince charming was also looking out for his perfect princess. And as much as i was looking out for the prince charming in my own world, i might not be the princess in prince charming's world. But i hoped and i prayed everyday that one day, prince charming would see me as the princess of his world. And no it didn't work out that way either.
And so.. if i had 3 wishes that the genie gave me to find the 1 true love or prince charming in my life, then i guess if you count the woman, then i've used it all up. So does it mean that i have no more shot in this fairytale anymore? Does it mean that i now have to settle for being just ordinary old me, and let my fairytales fade into the background? Is that how adults eventually lose their faith and hope in this world, and end up old, wrinkled and cynical? I really hope not. After all, i'm sure, i just haven't read a book where the genie gives me more then 3 wishes. Or that cinderella/snow white met many prince charmings and had to go through hell and back before they got together the prince charming that they chose to spend their lives with. But when all is said and done, if there isn't a book out there, then by golly, i'll be writing a book pretty soon. Just figuring the details of how to add the topic of lesbianism and delusion into a simple children's fairytale! Cheers

What exactly is LOVE

I'm not sure if i have posted something like this before. But what the heck. Maybe my views have changed a little since the last time i've posted. And maybe not. But for what it's worth, what the heck. I'll post something that i've been asking myself for the longest of time. What exactly is love. And when and how do you know that you are in love. And does love actually have a defining form? Like how do you know you are in love. Is it the butterflies in your stomach? Is there a tune that goes on in your head? A picture that is being painted in one's mind?
And how big is the gap when one is in love? Does it matter if the person is younger then you? Older then you? By a year, 5 yrs, 20 yrs? What does it matter? And at which point do you know its not love for a platonic friend but something much much more?
And does gender really matter? When it boils down to love, does it really matter whether its a guy or a gal? Does it really matter that sometimes, people don't conform to society's expectation? Take for example, a 20 plus year old person dating a 60 yr old man. Would that conform to society's expectation? Age gap too wide? Not natural? Then how about a girl-girl or boy-boy relationship? Lack of any age gap, but still equally unacceptable by society's standards. Now what would be acceptable? And when it boils down to it all, can a person really separate all the feelings into categories or friend, lover, potential marriage partner, buddy, just girl friend, just boy friend, stead boyfriend, steady girlfriend, and the endless other streams of categories they have in this time and age.
Forgive me for being naive here, but isn't it all just too complicated to make of this one simple feeling and process? I mean after all, isn't love just meant to be love? Companionship with a person. Being totally comfortable, being your true self with no fear of judgement? Endless conversations, or just comfortable silence? Just hanging out and chilling out and spending time together not worrying about anything, or worrying about things together? Then how is this different from being a best friend to someone? How is this different from secondary school where our best friends were the people who offered us companionship after school and at home via the phone, through endless conversations, or even just hanging on to the phone and not talking with comfortable silence? And one can screw up one's life totally and not have any fear of repercussions of a best friend judging you, or looking at you with tinted glasses from that day forth.
You know, this isn't easy for me. I've struggled with it for so many years now, and the age old question still bothers me. Maybe it doesn't bother me. Maybe over the years, i've never quite changed my stance about love. I still believe that all you have to do is to be comfortable and happy. And it really didn't matter who you were dating and who you were comfortable with and not comfortable with. But then how do you know its not a crush and that it is really love?

The clock cannot be turned back

It funny how i like to sit and ponder and wonder how it would be if i could turn back time. But the truth of the matter is that i can't. And i can only make the best of the present.
I thought about our friendship and how it had developed over the last few years. Or rather, how it has degenerated. And i was glad we had the talk that we did in the car. But over the last few weeks, somethng dawned on me. And maybe it was your unique way of teaching me a lesson or rather your unique way of showing me somethng. I realised only just how futile was my attempts to change TG's impression of me.
Maybe it was just like you. You could never change your impression of me, as when i first knew you, i was still a girl in her teens. And i wanted so much to share whatever it was that i had with you. I wanted to share your life, your ideals, and for us to have our own companionship. But i guess you were against it so much then. And i was so confused by your actions. It took me 10 years to get an answer. And i'm glad i did. For your answer has led me to realise just how difficult it would be for TG and i to ever get together.
You showed me that ideals and ideas do change over the years. But the fact is, i was always the impatient one and had no time to wait for you to change your mind about the relationship that we were having. More importantly, at that point of time, i was merely a student to you. And i could never hope for my status to be elevated to that of a friend, or a partner. And the clock ticked, and time went by. I was in college by then. I still did all i could within my means to make you happy coz u were the most important person to me then. And yet, there was one bridge that i could not cross. And finally, i found someone else to replace the affections.
Time has been cruel to us. Or maybe, it was just the fact that we were both proud creatures, unwilling to be the first to make a move or compromise. And our friendship became water under the bridge. But i knew how much it hurt me. And never did i realise how much it hurt u. And when we finally talked, i realise just how much hurt one can cause to the person that we treasure so much.
I'm glad we're friends all over again. Sharing something that is so precious and beautiful. But the truth is we can never turn back the clock. And maybe with this regard, i will meet future challenges. And also i will know that TG and i were never meant to be in the first place. I would know that all we had was a dream of one person who loved dearly. And the other person was merely trying it out. Obviously not hard enough. But then again, maybe it was the wrong time. And for that, i can only wish that at some point of time, it would be the right time with the right person. For now, i am truly thankful for that one more chance to work things out between us. I really really love you lots.

The world seems rite again

Ever felt like sometimes all it takes is something in your life to be right and everything feels right in the world again? Well, today is one of those days. For the longest of time, i wanted to sort out our relationship. Or rather our friendship. I wanted to know the real reason why we drifted apart. Was it cos i didn't meet the expectations? Was it coz somehow, i failed? Or was it coz all the while, i was just a selfish brat.
Today, i found out the answer. It was kinda a silly scene. We both sat in the car, and i really am not sure who teared first. But the first tear came rolling down, and the dams opened. It was like i was 17 all over again. It was cute at the least, we trashed things out. And finally, i really believe we can be as close as we once were. I know for a fact that we'll never be right for each other. Only because we don't have that feel between us. And yet, all it takes for me to know that the world is right again is that no matter what happens, i have our friendship to hold on to.

"I must be strong"

"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

Stand up for yourself... and me.
Be confident, strong, and direct.
Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
Give me space to be alone.
Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Eight
being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Eight
overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
putting too much pressure on myself
getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Eights as Children Often
are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
are sometimes loners
seize control so they won't be controlled
fugure out others' weaknesses
attack verbally or physically when provoked
take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Eights as Parents
are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
are sometimes overprotective
can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

The good side and the bad side

Is it a sad fact of life that people in general only remember the bad things that you do and fail to notice the 10 million other good things that you do for them? Is that how humankind is? That you can do 9 good deeds, screw up once and they only remember you for that one bad deed that you did.

Some day, my grave is going to read, here lies the one that did no good and was bad in every sense.

Today, i realise that life is kinda sad. That people aren't what they seem. And friendships don't last a lifetime. Too many hard lessons to learn in a day. But all in all, better late then never. Maybe finally, i out grew peter pan and tinkerbell. Maybe finally, i'm beginning to realise that it takes more then a dream and a fantasy to make things happen. And maybe, just maybe, i'm beginning to finally get the hang of, it takes two hands to clap, and that when you are both truly in love, then you will find that both parties are fair and not demanding.

And maybe, just maybe, i'm beginning to realise that i'll always be the bad one as long as the person doesn't choose to see the good in me. And that at the end of the day, whatever shit hits the fan, life still goes on, hours still pass and the minute hand doesn't stop. Herein lies the death of one silly monkey

What is the value of friendship?

I've not been bloggin for some time. Maybe its coz i've been terribly busy. Or maybe it's merely that i don't really have the mood to blog. Or maybe its just one of those trasitional stages of my life where i find that there is nothing new to update or nothing interesting to write about.

I just got back from Hong Kong a week ago. It was fun on the whole. I mean which free trip isn't fun. But i guess i didn't do as much this time round as i would have liked to. It didn't feel really as fantastic as my last trip back up. Maybe because this time round, both cousins are attached and we only managed to meet up to party once before i left. Or maybe things between TG and myself felt more dull this time round. I bunked over at his hotel for two nights. Before i go into the nitty gritty details, i must say that the Four Seasons Place has a fantastic view. I guess that's why it costs so much just to stay for a night.



Anyway, we did spend some time chatting and catching up. And although sex wasn't as good as it could have been, i guess its partially due to me. I wasn't quite in a mood to do anything. Maybe just cuddling and sleeping would have been perfect. But i realise that we're not a couple, and therefore, the above just doesn't feel right anymore. It was kinda sad. Sometimes i feel, between us, there is just too many words that are unsaid. And yet at times, its the one question too many scenario. And maybe its the internal battle that i feel i am constantly fighting.. That i feel all weird.

Being with him is special. And yet, i guess that gap between us is just too wide. Its like trying to put a jew and Hitler together. I guess that's the best analogy i can come up with. And its sad. Things just aren't working out as they should be.

There are some promises that one makes to oneself. And it takes a lot to keep to them. And try as i might, i cannot seem to do it. I guess someone would tell me, coz u are only trying and u are not making it a must.

Today, i tot of something, just what is the value of friendship? Can 2 friends sleep with each other, walk away and still be friends? Many a times, i think of my relationship with the people around me and i get reminded of Carrie in Sex in the City. Like Carrie, i seem to be perpetually poor and although i seem to be outspoken and intelligent on the outside with great views, and people want to hang out with me, my relationship with friends and men aren't all that great.

Thinking about TG and myself, i get reminded of Carrie and Mr Big. There is so many similarities, and yet at the same time, i guess it's not the same. Do friends really stay angry with each other? And do they really get upset over petty issues? Sometimes, i find that it is hard to understand a person. Just what does a person want? If it was a normal friend, i'll say fuck it and move on. But when it is someone that i treasure a lot, how then can u say fuck it? And exactly how long is the cooling off period where you do not talk to each other? And how long before you can call and pretend nothing happened? And how long before the other party caves and gives in and you are friends all over again. Sometimes, i miss being young again. Where friendship was as simple as just sharing a drink or hanging out together after school. Did we really stay angry with our friends for long back then?

As i ponder about the value of a particular friendship, i turn my thoughts to just how far does a friend go to ensure that the friendship is smooth sailing? And at the same time, is someone who chooses to ignore me, actually worth my friendship and all that trouble? Am i merely a fair weathered friend, or is my friend the one who is fair weathered? So many questions, so many sides to a once so simple ideal. Have i finally lost it?

What does he really want?

OK. You would have thought that now that we have called it quits i would not be talking about him any longer. Alas, that is not the case.
He caused quite a stir in my otherwise uneventful day. You see, the thing is, i dropped him a friendly sms last night and this morning. Nothing pressurizing i hope. At least not to me. And the reply i got was, one of the few times he asked me a question without me posting him one first. And so i called him to tell him where i was going to stay this time round when i went up to HK. And i would be lying if i said that was all my intention. I wanted desperately to hear his voice since our last meeting where things didn't end quite so well.
And he did something rather out of the blue. In all the time that i've known him, he's never given me a detailed breakdown of his schedule. And this morning, he rattled off, telling me his appointments and exactly which part of HK he would be at. And he asked the question that i tot he would never ask. Why not fly up early to spend the weekend with me. Oh how i wished i was able to. How i wish when i had called the tour agency earlier, the agent would have told me that he would do it for me. And yet, i guess it must be the will of GOD that the guy wouldn't let me change my ticket unless two of us fly up.
And being in a mood of sheer confusion, i did get rather upset. Of course, i guess if i think hard about it, if he had really wanted to see me so badly, then he would have offered to buy me a ticket up. Then again, i guess it's one of those, well, since you are going up, and i'm bored, let;s meet up.
Of course i was torn by this mixed feeling of joy for him bringing it up versus, does he really mean it. I'm so confused. What does he really want?
I smsed him back to say i couldn't change the ticket. And he didn't bother replying. I guess it's just as well. Rather then go there and be disappointed, at least here, in the midst of a training, i am surrounded by supporting and understanding friends. Anyway, i told him i would be available on the 28th and 1st. And i did leave the onus on him to call or sms me on the 28th to tell me exactly when he would be available just so we could meet up. And i guess i;ll rather not expect too much coz i'm worried that at the end of it all, he would tell me he is unable to meet me up in HK. Funny how i felt this same way just a couple of months back when we first went up to HK together. And now, this same feeling is happening all over again.
Well, one thing's for sure. I'm not going to be so proactive. Coz i really have no idea what goes on in that complex mind of his. And i don't want to bring my hopes up. And i'm not sure if i am back up entertainment or do i really mean something to him. I'm not sure if meeting him this time is coz we already planned it before wednesday nite. I'm not sure that now the dynamics of our relationship has changed, would we still be going on a trip together in March like he promised. There are so many uncertainties. And for once, i can only truly say i can take one step at a time. I know that choices have consequences. And i choose to let him lead and i'll follow in the dance until one day when i find that he is no longer dancing and leading would i switch partners. For now, he is still the one i want to dance with.....

My voice

150206
Just got home. Much to say. Didn't know how to say it. I'm actually much better with writing. So bear with it. You asked many questions and made many points just now. And i wanted to tell you how i felt. But, i guess by that point, i was already rather emotional.
First you asked me why i buy you cards and write when i can just email? Well i guess cards has a visual effect. And it involves more then just picking it off the shelf. I actually go to several shops, read the cards and pick one that best describes the message i want to convey. Anyway, i always thought it was rather sweet.
You made several points when we were sitting in your car. And here are some things i truly felt. If you had said, alright, i just have to time to pick up the cards and run, i would have done that. Sometimes, when i get something for someone special, i tend to get more excited and it's always nice to give a present. I tried sending you a present to your office before and i could tell you weren't too happy about it. And since i didn't have your home mailing address, it wasn't possible to send it to your home. But i admit. It is my excitedness and the fact that i wanted to surprise you that made me even more determined to give the cards to you.
As for what you feel about us, i guess and strongly believe on my side, it would have occurred whether or not we slept with each other. Before i slept with you, i think i was already crazy about you. This feeling didn't grow with sex. It grew with knowing you more and appreciating and loving everything you are, stand for. The good and the bad.
I was upset coz you said and talk about not wanting me to feel rejected after talking about us sleeping together. Maybe you didn't mean it as in you slept with me coz u didn't want to reject me. But i guess the context of all that you said, made me feel that way. Especially after that when you mention that there is no need to tell the truth and that one should be subtle.
I won't deny that i wasn't hurt. And the fact is that i was. Coz i'm still a rather proud person by nature. And the first thought that came into my mind was that you slept with me coz u pity me. And i don't need that. Although up till this point, i will still say i enjoyed every moment of it, i would have rather you said no, you weren't interested. But what's done is done. So, no point crying over spilt milk. THat's why i asjed what could be done from now...
When all is said and done, i seriously want to apologize and say sorry for all the added stress and pressure some of my actions have caused you. Know that i genuinely never meant any harm and it was really unintentional. I feel bad coz i know that i've truly taken away lots of your precious time. And instead of making you feel good, i've caused you undue unhappiness.
Maybe it's my style, or maybe i've truly been demanding without realising it. Or maybe it's just how you view me. WHatever it is, it didn't makke you feel good. And for all that and all the other things i might have done, i'm really, really sorry. Thanks for all your time really. Know that i appreciate every moment of it and i truly appreciate every bit of you!
Love is blind! I fell in love with you some time back . And that's why i kept your sms. That's why i sms and try to talk to you constantly. Coz i truly care and want to know all is fine. But apparently it's doing more harm then good. Maybe it's my actions that is making you feel uncomfortable. I'll keep it in check. I know the truth usually hurts. But i'm not really good at catching subtle hints. So if there's anything else that i'm doing that's irritating and bugging you, feel free to tell me.
Cheers

Full Circle

I have not been posting for a while now. I guess in my own way, i was trying to deal with my own feelings. I first started this blog coz i was extremely upset about Cow. It was during Valentine's day last year where we ended things. Not really ended. In fact, it was when problems arose and he disappeared on me.
I didn't take a long time to get over Cow coz in his own way, he was not the nicest of people. And along came Tour Guide, who mesmerised me with his words, his charm and his personality. And quickly, i got over the heartache of Cow being such a disappointment.
A day after Valentine's Day this year, TG and i had a talk. He had touched down in Singapore and smsed to say he could meet up. The talk we had was painful. Few days after we talked, i'm still thinking about how much of it is true. And just how much of it was meant to illustrate a point.
TG has been a special person in my life for some time now. Close to a year? And i guess in my own way, i adored him lots. In fact, i adore TG to the extent that i used to adore Guardian. And thus, there was no anger, no hatred. Merely a pain and hurt that i cannot describe. When Cow and i ended things, i was pissed off. Angry with him for being the way he was. For being so irresponsible. But with TG, i cannot find fault with him. Only that i knew this was to come with time. He would never have been happy with me.
We belong to 2 vastly different worlds and he has got very fixed views about woman. Views that he has acquired over the years and i am unable to change. I do not know if i have overstepped the boundaries. Neither do i know if it was pity that he gave in to me in the first place. But i do know that if there was even an inkling of pity involved, i would rather not have started anything. For some reason, i feel like i've come full circle.
In my heart, TG is still as special and important. Just like in my heart, Guardian will always reside. And i am uncertain just where the next road will take me....

Just another day

His flight is at 8am. Pickup time is probably at 6am. That was the last i heard during our phone conversation. How tough can it be to be flying from one point of the world to another. Moments spent on the plane. Too short for sleep. Too long to be tired.
Could hear the tiredness draining from his voice. From the sounds that resonate over the telephone line, i could tell that he was so extremely tired. And i guess in the simplicity of things, i'm not sure if he could tell that sometimes, i drop him an sms or call merely in hopes of brightening up his day, or adding some warmth to his mundane routine of doing things.
So, i smsed him to say, well, here's a hug to brighten up your day and hope you feel more energised. I guess he didn't catch it. This in itself makes me think. Sometimes, people have the most positive intentions. However, unless you can understand the intention behind it, you will never be able to fully appreciate the person.
Somehow, i got the feeling that he was irritated with my sms. That i was disrupting a pattern in his work and his everyday life. That i was taking time away from his busy and hectic schedule. And all i wanted was merely to give him a hug, to cuddle him and to tell him that i understood that he was really busy.
Then again, in my model of the world, someone hugging me is perceived as a nice gesture. Maybe for him, it is merely me demanding more of his limited time.

Symbol

Rewind: A picture of fire. Burning, touching lifes around. Fire gives you warmth, gives you light. Fire moves from one to the other. It spreads on and on. The minute it touches another object, it gains from it the fuel to contiune burning.
Play: Water poured over the fire. Burning embers. Smouldering fire.
Fast Forward: The fire building up and burning strongly once again. Touching lives, giving warmth. It is stronger then before. No water can douse it.

Is the fire dying or is it merely starting?

Fun and freedom. Is that what a fire symbolises?

In ancient times, the person who controls the fire is the person who has the power. Where then does this lead us? I view fire as something that is deadly and yet we need it. Fire can rage on when you have no control over it. At the same time, when you have control over it, it can become a tool for one to make use of.
I guess many things in life are similar to the concept of fire. Does one choose to be the slave of something or the master of it?

Self Delusions

For the greater part of the month, last month and this month, i have been denying a part of me that is there. And tonight's incident made me realise just how much he meant to me. For a while now, i've been keeping my cool, getting along with life, doing my job and just wanting to be the best person i can be. And i told myself that i would not get tangled up in a series of complicated relationship that i had no control over.
Tonight, when i saw him, i played the cool, calm, collected girl. No one present would have been able to tell that i once had a huge crush on him. No one present would have suspected for one second that i was interested in him. And as we parted, i wished him a very Happy Chinese New Year, and thanked him properly for the ang bao that he gave me.
It would all have passed over if not for the fact that the group of us sitting at down after he had left had nothing better to do then to compare ang baos. The amount given out were different. And that didn't bug me. After all, i was not really expecting an ang bao at all. So an ang bao came as a bonus. So, i headed out to smoke with some girlfriends and we got to talking about him as a person. It was not really any newsworthy topic, merely one friend saying he makes a good friend, and i chimed in. The 3rd girl met him for the first time today. Somehow, talking about him made me sort of think of him.
And so i decided to drop him a call to see if he was already home, or driving home. He sounded extremely tired and yet, i was mildly touched when he commented that he actually found the souvenir that i had earlier asked for. And he said he had something to do and would call me back. And i left the conversation, going back to join the rest for another round of drinks.
It was at the point of him smsing me that i realised just how much he meant to me. He smsed to say that he was extremely tired and did not know how to drive back home. And that he was taking a rest. And with that i got worried. I told him i would send him home. And he said it was alright. He would feel better after resting a while. And i added this one line that was so out of character for me all this while. I told him i missed him lots. And then i smsed him to ask about how come different people got different amounts for ang bao. And he didn't reply back for close to 45 mins. And finally, i did something so out of charcter with him. I smsed him to call or sms when he got home coz i was worried about him.
If you're wondering, he did call. Only to share with me that he was upset and hurt about what took place. It scared me and i pondered about it for a long time, knowing i said what i did as a joke. And yet, here i hurt this man that of late, i have grown to care so much about and love, that it felt terrible. I offered to make it up to him, telling him time and again i was sorry and asking him how i could make it up and make him feel better. After close to 20 mins of pacifying him, i think he cooled down.
I guess at that point of time, when he was losing his cool and he really did sound upset on top of sounding tired, i felt really lousy. I realised just how much this one man had come to mean to me. And i guess, all that shadow boxing was pointless. Because, somehow, somewhere, this man has crept into the night and i had given him my heart.
The situation finally lightened when we talk about ourselves. It was comforting for a short while. And i guess it's no point deluding myself anymore. The answer is plain and i merely pretend that i'm still searching.

Something special

All my life, i've never been a great conversationalist. And frankly speaking, i hate chinese new year coz i hate people asking me what i'm doing, when i'm going to get married, how come i never bring my boyfriend along and the endless questions that comes with new years. So for a long time now, i guess i haven't really opened my eyes, my ears and my heart to all the beautiful things there were around me.
This year, new year was a lot more special. There were more places to visit, more people who asked me to mit up with them, and for once, i obliged. And it turned out alright. In fact, i would say, i enjoyed being in the company of familiar old faces and i guess this year, i retreated to seek solace from these faces that have seen me grown up and old.
I've made it a point to start with one of my fewer resolutions and it has stuck on till today. Let's see how long i'll keep it up, but one step at a time gets me closer to the goal i have in mind. And for that, i think its beautiful, and special.

The tragedy of life is not death rather, it is what we allow to die within us while we live

"i felt as though i'd turned around to look in a different direction, so that i no longer faced backward towards the past, but forward toward the future. And now the question confronting me was this: What would that future be?"


"Adversity is like a strong wind. I don't mean just that i holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be town, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be."

"Focusing on what isn't there. What if i came to the end of my life and realized that i'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize i'd never really tastes the things i'd eaten, or seen the places i'd been, because i'd thought of nothing but TG even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if i drew my thoughts back from him, what life would i have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give."

"Waiting patiently doesn't suit you. I can see you have a great deal of water in your personality. Water never waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and finds the secret paths no one else has thought about-- the tiny hole through the rood of the bottom of a box. There's no doubt it's the most versatile of the five elements. It can wash away earth; it can put out fire; it can wear a peiece of metal down and sweep it away. Even wood, which is its natural complement, can't survive without being nurtured by water."

Reunion Dinner

I felt completely detached from my own being today. I felt like i had stepped into another world, where i was another person. Maybe it was confirmation over confirmation that made me feel like i was a better person all over again. Maybe it was being in familiar company that i realized how much of the past i wanted back. Maybe it was being in that time and place where i realized how much further i had taken myself away from my dreams after just one wrong turn.
And as i felt all these feelings engulf me, i think back of the show i had watched last night. Huo Yan Jia. Fearless. As a young child, he was competitive and craved for glory and titles. But just how much do these things mean and just what is the value of it all? He finally crashed and burnt. And was aimless and wandering for a period of time before he came to his senses.
For all the flaws that i see in myself, i begin to realize just how much i have been focusing on the flaws. For a period of time, all i wanted to do was to see the world through another person. And now, i know i am ready to step back into my life and live it the way it should have. Because i've begin to understand that as much as i want to walk the life of that someone, i cannot do it. For in walking that person's life, i was never as truly happy as when i chose my own path and walked my own life. And be in touch with that person that i walked away from many many years ago.
Somehow, tonight's dinner brought out many thoughts and feelings. Some of which i have yet to comprehend. But for all the good and bad things that came out of it, i guess it was this statement that rang true. "Since young, you have the hardest character among all the younger generation. You were the toughest kid being the most street smart. And you always chose your own directions and paths and always succeeded. No one can change your mind for you were always the hard one. What you choose to do for the rest of your life, begins today."
And as i read the bookmark that star gave me 6 months back, i finally understood what he meant. That today is the first day of my life for the rest of my life. Thanks... It all seems crystal clear now!

Chinese New Year

Lost a fortune today. My little fortune. Nothing much to write. Just wondering why i seem to be pissing TG off so often nowadays. Have i changed or has he changed? Or have our expectations of each other changed? Or is he just irritable?

Mixed feelings

Met TG tonight for dinner after two weeks to be exact. Exactly 14 days. Dinner went as well as expected. I guess what i didn't expect was my feelings for him. I've been in love with this man for such a long time that i'm puzzled and curious as well. But then again, i guess i've always been someone who has been really faithful and loyal. I won't even think of being with someone else as long as there is a glimmer of hope that one day we'll both live happily ever after. And i guess that was what bugged me more then anything today.
He shared with me his hectic schedule and somehow, i could see he was more relaxed then usual today. Maybe coz he has just finished a big show in philippines and Chinese new year was around the corner. And he was going away for such a long break. And maybe coz i was being pleasantly nice today, not throwing any little girl tantrums coz i had more on my mind then i usually had. And for whatever reasons, i guess dinner went by without any major events. And yet, a question pops into my head. Must all dinners be a result of him talking, me listening and agreeing for it to be uneventful?
Dinner ended. I was glad we were both heading home. I walked him to his car as usual. Sometimes, i wonder if he even thinks that it's sort of weird for a girl to walk the guy to his car. And yet, it is in that walk, that few precious moments where there is a physical contact of sorts be it a kiss, a hug, or just walking together hand in hand, or arm across each other that makes walking him to his car all worth while. And for someone that i see every 14-20 days once, these little moments are even more precious.
I didn't want to get into the car. I didn't want to go down the carpark which went round and round coz i dread it. I didn't want to sit in the car and have nothing to say. I didn't want to have to ask for a hug or kiss at the end. I didn't want to ask when i would see him again. I didn't want to ask if he still remembered that he promised me a trip in march when he was less busy. But seems too busy now to take a trip in march. For all the things that i didn't want, i steped into the car coz he asked. And it takes great power to reject something he asked coz of how i felt abt him.
In the car, for some peculiar reason, he stretched his hand over me and tickled my ears. I liked that. In any normal event, i would have reached over and placed my head on his shoulder. I like that. But the car going round and round the carpark, braking constantly, was too much for my head to bear. And so, i sat there, closed my eyes and didn't move. And then finally we reached level ground, and he asked where he should alight me. And i pointed up front and said, i'll get off here. And he pulled me over to kiss me. Somehow, for reasons that i cannot explain, even now, i turned my face away and offered him my cheek. And i said bye, happy chinese new year and got out of the car. Before he told me might join Superman and our group of friends for after dinner drinks tomorrow night.
The night didn't seem all that beautiful. And yet, beauty in simplicity. I wish sometimes i've never fallen for this worldly man, who seems to know too much, and yet, nothing seems to be able to touch his heart. And if i could take my eraser and wipe out the beautiful moments that i've ever shared with him, so that he will be no different from the next joe, i would. And for now, i lie trapped in his world, desperately asking for release, asking to have the power to walk away.

Good Energy

Went back to AKLTG today and left feeling rather charged up. I somehow see things in a different light. And i feel good about it. I'vc been asking myself for some time now why is it that i'm not good in sales. Is it coz i am no good with words? Is it coz i am too shy? Is it coz i'm .... And the list goes on.
But i guess the real reason is that i just don't feel good asking for sales. And of course not forgetting, i'm sometimes too paiseh to ask for it. For fear of losing a friendship or such... And then i realised something today. Guess its about looking at things in a different perspective. How about if i asked for it, and if the friend decides to say no to me, then i guess this person ain't too great a friend to start off with. I'm not saying that if the person refuses to buy anything from me. Coz i understand that sometimes, people just do not have the need or the means at that point of time. But what i'm saying is that it has to do with people taking things badly just coz i want to share. Coz if i genuinly want to share, then its really for their benefit.
I'm glad i finally feel this way. For a while now i've been stuck. Guess its a new way to look at things. So, from today onwards, i'm going to approach every person that i meet. Everyone that i meet will be a prospect. Grinz.
Will blog more later.. need to sleep

Predictability in one who is unpredictable

Many years ago, i used to think, oh why is this man so unpredictable? I would spend hours agonising over the fact that he would one day be so in love with me, then suddenly not want my company at all. And that made me so confused and upset. Over the years, maybe i've come to accept the fact that he is just like that. What do i mean just like that? I guess it has to do with the concept of commitment and in a weird and even perverse way, he is preserving himself.
He smsed today out of the blue after telling me about 2 mths back that he thinks we should stop contacting each other for a while. And i guess over the years, i've more or less gotten used to him being around, then disappearing, and then reappearing. And this time round, it was no different. He asked to meet up and now with a sales job, its so much easier. And yet, i guess its GOD"s plan that we did not meet up. I had a meeting and i guess if i did not, i would have caved.
Today i thought about how unpredictable he always wanted to be. And yet, there is a pattern in it all. When he first shared that he wanted to cease contact for a while, at the back of my mind, i was thinking, oh.. here it comes again. And in about 3 mths time, he will suddenly feel like he needs to meet up and we'll go back to seeing each other for a couple of months before the urge hits him again. And there is such a strong pattern in it all. Today i asked myself just what is this pattern? What does it signify? What will it do to me and how do i interprete it?
I obviously didn't come up with any answers. And i guess some how, some time, some day, the answer will be staring me right in my face. And for that, i guess i will just have to be patient and ride it out. In the mean time, i wonder just what would i do the next time he calls?
I guess in my own way, i do wonder why i always hang out with men who are emotionally unavailable. Is it coz deep down inside, i too amd facing the same problem? And yet i know that i would truly like to be with someone who cares for me, dotes on me and someone whom i can share with not only on the emotional level but also on the intellectual level. Am i being too predictable too in being unpredictable? Sometimes, i guess when they say that you are your own worst enemy or best friend, i guess they had me in mind. Cheers

If i had it all

Damn! My baby broke down again today. Sighz. Sometimes i wish he didn't give me so much problems. And its times like this where i wonder if i could just give it up. I guess owning a bike is very much like being in a relationship. Please don't ask me how i come about to this conclusion. Ha.. Maybe something to do with riding my baby?
Alright. Have thought of a title for today's post. And its called if i could have it all. What would it be? Short term, medium term and long term. Shit, i sould like one of those Russians talking about their reform programs. Anyway, let's see.
1) Having a 100k in my bank
2) Having a 500k investment portfolio
3) Having a decent car to drive around when i do not feel like riding my baby
4) Having a library collection of books (about 500)
5) Having an MP3 player that works
6) Having a desktop in my room with internet connection
7) Having a digital camera of my very own
8) Having a plasma tv in my room complete with a surround sound system
and DVD/VCD player
9) Having a queen size bed so all my softoys can sleep with me
10) Having a comforter that i've always wanted to snuggle into at night
11) Revamping my room so that it looks like one of those IKEA showrooms
12) Having a healthy variety of clothes so i don't have to keep recycling clothes
on a 3 day basis
13) Buying my racer so i can finally start training proper for my triathlon
14) A complete set of Georg Jensen jewellery
15) A power suit from an unknown brand that i'm still looking for
16) My Braun Buffel handbag and document bag

Alright. Those are the material things i want in the short term. Now lets go for the medium term stuff
17) Buying my own apartment. Preferably a condominum with an olympic size
swimming pool near the beach. Not too far away from town
18) Having 500k in savings and a million in investments
19) Being a director of a multinational company.
20) Wining, dining and living the life of the rich and famous
21) Winning my first international title that is not a team event
22) Adopting a couple of children from the third world countries and sponsoring
them

And finally for the long term goals
23) Finding a man who is my best friend and greatest companion
24) Get involved in politics

If i could only have one item in my list of 24, you know best what i'll trade it up for. Funny how i've never thought of the material aspects until i started typing this blog. I've thought of myself as someone who is not really materialistic. I guess at the end of the day, i also want the things that give me status and power and also be rich. So, the next question for the next blog would be what exactly are my values? Am i seeking fame and wealth in all the wrong places? Or are my values in conflict with each other and therefore i am stuck where i am? Hmmm

Just being Oscar of Sesame Street

Its barely been two weeks into the new year and i already feel miserable. I guess its really how i choose to feel. And i guess at the same time, i keep telling myself that if i choose to feel otherwise, i'll be better. With the realisation that i'm going to turn 26 already, i feel overwhelmed by the things that i have yet to accomplish at this age. Let alone the lessons that i keep having to relearn time and again. And it is buggin me big time.
At times like this, i ponder and wonder is it that i am merely incompetent or is it that i'm lazy? Or do i have no goal? Or maybe worse still, no purpose in life. Or am i just someone who is forever negative and will never find happiness? I believe that these things are within and up to us to create. But it scares me that i'm not sure how i can go about creating these things.
For a while, i told myself if i woke up feeling happy and looking forward to the day, i would be fine. And then i told myself to keep the negative thoughts out, to keep focusing on the positive things in life and i would be happier, and things would be better. But somehow, i find that it takes a lot more energy and strength to focus on the bright side of life when i feel with each day that passes, there really isn't much to look forward to.
I guess this feeling hit me a couple of days back when TG and i met. Suddenly, i realised how empty this pursuit is. And coming from me, that was quite a shock. I realised that somehow, i was seeking happiness in being with him, when happiness should dwell from within me flowing out. And i ask myself, where is this happiness. How do i garner it without feeling close to miserable. I desperately want to get out of the rut. It takes little steps each time but yet, there is a feeling that with each single step i take, i seem to be sliding two steps back. And i find myself once again further and further away from my goals.
Its at times like this when i feel like giving up and i feel like i don't want to act happy anymore. I want to be the grouch. To shut myself up from the rest of the world. And then, i think, that's not really what i want. And i end up being more confused then ever.
When i lost Guardian, i felt my life go into shambles. But at least i seem like i remotely had a future then. But as i look into the crystal ball today, all i see is fog and mist. And i call out, and all i hear is the echo of my own voice. The little devil in my head is almost winning. And i'm fearful about what it can do and will do. In more ways then one, it was the devil who was always the stronger one. If not, we would all still be in the garden of Eden. The fact that we are not there means that either the devil is more powerful or he has got greater powers of deceit and manipulation. And it scares me. The angel is growing weaker by the minute. All i hear now is the devil's voice. And all i want is the angel to drown him out.....

My Views

As i see the world through my myopic vision, i tend to wonder about a lot of things. Someone once told me that we learnt all we had to at kindergarten. We just sort of forgot the lessons along the way and therefore, occassionally, we had to take refresher courses through the bumps and hardship we deem to currently face.
I think back of the time when i too was in kindergarten. And i guess if i thought real hard, i could paint up a rather rosy picture. Of course, i did take a lot to get me to go to school. Ha. I will never forget the caning i got just outside school as i refused to go to school. There was a time where i was a shy young thing who merely wanted to stay at home, didn't want to meet anyone. I guess i was just scared at the whole prospect of meeting new people. And yet, it was easily overcomed in time. I began to find things about school that i enjoyed and subsequently, had to be scolded to get home on time for dinner after school.
Then there were the persistance when i wanted something, the determination of never wanting to fail when i started something, and of course, wanting to be the best in everything i ever did.
Just what happened along the way? Did some alien take over my body and mind, or did i merely changed so drastically that all the things that i ever stood for no longer appealed to me?
At times, in the solitude of my room, i ask myself this question. When and at which point did i stop trying to achieve greatness in my own life. When did i stop focusing on working the challenge but rather choose to back down from it? When did i stop wanting to be the best. When just when?
Somewhere along the way, a little girl was lost, she grew up. And for the life of me, i think she became worse off then when she was 4. And i wonder and wonder, just what would it take to find that little girl back.

It's a public holiday

Was a public holiday today. But didn't quite feel like it. Maybe it was coz i had lots to do. Going away later on in a couple of hours time. Don't ask me why i'm not sleeping. Guess i just really want to blog for a while.
Met TG for coffee today. Somehow, he always gives me the impression that giving me an hour of his time is something that i really should be appreciative about. Sometimes i wonder why i bother putting up with it. We were having coffee, when he looks at his watch and then goes, oh, its been an hour now. Better get going. Sighz. Why do i bother. Anyway, we chatted a little today. Didn't talk any about Superman's wedding or what happened that night. I guess it was a good thing. Somehow, i feel he smsed me to meet me today only to fulfil what he told me on Sunday nite. And actually he didn't really want coffee or sorts. Whatever.
But something he said made me realise a deep truth. He said if he had a sister, he would probably have killed her. Speaks volumes actually. And i don't know why. I still like him, but, i guess its the realization that we are worlds apart that lets it all sink in. I'm not even sure if anything will happen between us again. WIth him being so busy, and me having so many targets to hit. Feel like i'm in limbo... sighz

Superman got married

What a tiring day. It was raining cats and dogs since morning and all i could think about was, what a gloomy day for a wedding. It turned out fine. Went to the bride's place early in the morning to help them out. Turned out that close to 20 brothers came up to pick up the bride. Had about 6 cars. And i guess in a way, it was pretty grand. Then did the usual stuff that people do in the morning before sending all the philippine friends back to the hotel and also for me to rush off for my meeting.
Headed back to the hotel after that to once again help out with whatever they needed help with before proceeding to witness their solemization. It was a touching moment for me once again. I guess somehow, being a romantic at heart, i love to watch people get married. It fulfills the criterion of my fairytale world. Anyway, went back upstairs to doll up after the short session of hearing two people that i've come to love say I DO.
Spent a fair amount of time dolling up. It did help that i had professionals doing my hair and makeup. Felt like i was a star last night as well. And i guess it was reassuring that everyone comment just how beautiful and ladylike i looked. And women never tire of hearing compliments. Saw TG finally at about 7.45pm. He wasnt all that late. And i guess i was pretty pleased when he said, wow, u look beautiful tonight. But that was all the good stuff for the rest of the night. From there, the night went downhill.
I was looking forward to sitting next to him during dinner. If not, why bother dressing up and dolling up and also putting in so much effort to impress? And well, as with all good things coming to an end, we sat across each other at the same table. He spent the night talking to everyone at the table except me. Yu Beng and i talked to each other, more so coz we were bored with the dinner conversation that was going on around us. For a celebrity, he was sure a nice guy to chat with. haha. Was freezing cold as well. I mean with what little i wore, plus the rain, plus the aircon. And when i told TG that i was cold, he turned to his friend and ask his friend to lend me his jacket. What a dork. Ended up borrowing a jacket from Lester. Damn.
And TG left straight after dinner, citing work and tiredness as his two reason. I did ask him why he chose not to seat next to me. And as usual, he had his own plethora of excuses, saying that he tot that sitting at the same table was all that mattered. And being the sweet mouth he was, he said, hey, no worries, lets meet up this week. Say Tuesday. And then he left.
I left coz i knew i would cry if i hung around any longer. TG messaged later to say he misunderstood me when i said sit together. And that there was no need for us to be so obvious. And at the same time, he said that maybe he missed my expectations. And i didn't feel good at all. So after that when i was more calm, i went back in to join the after dinner party. We drank and drank and drank. Didnt help that i was upset. So by close to 1, i was done with drinking, wanted my ciggies, but couldn't find them, so one of the best man accompanied me up to the room to pick up my pack, and that was the end of the night as far as i can remember. Haha
Woke up this morning with a major hangover, asleep on the couch and freezing. One of the guys later took a blanket and covered me. Real sweet of him. And when the rest of the drunk people woke up, i immediately hijacked a bed and slept till late afternoon. Still suffering from the effects of hangover while at dinner and meeting. Damn. Its been a while since i drank so much. Or maybe its just the mood.
Talked to TG a little on MSN today. And as usual, i feel like an idiot for being the way i was. I knew that the wedding was no place to discuss what happend, and it would have resulted in me being sad and crying. And i guess it wouldn't be nice if that happened. So, saved it for the evening when i saw him online. Now i finally understand what he meant by the fact that singaporeans are stupid sometimes as we do not know how to use words to aid us to avoid a confrontation, And it dawned on me just what he meant, i begin to wonder just what sort of friend has he been? Have all that he said been merely words> Words to pacify and words such that i would not stay pissed with hiM? Is he even a true friend?
Here's wishing the both of them the best. I really do love them like my sister and brother. And as i think how romantic it is, i question my own heart. Where is the line between realism and being romantic? Head vs heart. The ultimate question.

Where does compromise step in

Was having a discussion with a friend today. We both came from a party of sorts. There was a groom to be and a bride to be and many many overseas friends. This friend of mine didn't have dinner with us while the rest of us, overseas and local people consisting of Singaporeans, Koreans, Filipinos, China people all gathered to have dinner at this cafe.
As dinner came to a close, people started leaving and those that were proceeding to part 2 of the night stayed for a while more. The bride to be came over and joined a group of us to chat. So happens that most of those seated around me were going to be her "sisters" for the day. And as we discussed what we were going to do, we realised that much of the wedding plans were not set up yet. Now usually, i would brush it off, being a rather last minute person. However, it struck me as odd that the wedding was less then 48 hrs away and yet there is so much that is not done.
The bride to be was of course peeved by the groom to be. And so the stage looked set for another fight to break out. A neverending series of fights that have occurred throughout the whole preparation of their marriage. As friends of both the bride and groom, i empathise with the both of them. We have a playful groom, who thinks that everything can be settled with the bat of an eye, and we have a serious bride, who needs things planned to the most minute of details. How do two people with such vast personalities work things out?
When we finally proceeded to the venue for the party, tempers were once again rising. The bride to be took off home in a huff, her face was black and all around could tell that she was fuming. The groom carried on entertaining his friends, either oblivious to her exasperation or simply ignoring her. Now considering this same incident happened maybe a week ago, and again two weeks ago, and again three weeks ago, many of us were by now used to it. And some people pretended not to notice it, while some merely kept our mouths shut. When both parties are your friends, who do u speak up for? Whose side do you choose to stand on?
My friend and i finally got some down time after we left the party and chatted a little. It was obvious to the both of us that both the bride and the groom to be were stubborn and strong headed people with personalities to match. And it was even more scary that both parties choose not to compromise. And how then did they intend to work their marriage out? Why bother getting married in the first place? I have no wish to see them get divorced a yr, 2 yrs or 3 yrs down the road. Or must it take marriage before they learn the personalities of themself and learn to work around it?
Compromise is such a big word. And with big words come big actions. Exactly when do you stand firm for what you believe in and when do you learn to give in. And at which point is enough, really enough? These thoughts came to me today as i also shared with a girlfriend about the state of her relationship. Let's face it, i feel personally that almost all men cheat. There are a rare few that don't. And at the end of the day, are you willing to accept the fact that he still knows where is home and returns back home? Are you willing to accept the fact that he loves you still and is responsible for the house, yet feels a compelling need to go out and get a little variety once in a while?
Maybe i really am a xiaonuren at heart. Judging by my track record, i know i will be hurt if my bf or husband ever cheats on me. And yet, i know i will not choose to leave him unless i know there is no way we can salvage our realtionship. So when this friend shared with me his view, i guess the question to ask is WHY?
Then again, there are always two sides to a coin. If a guy loves and respect a girl or vice versa, then he/she would not cheat on their other half. And therefore, if there is loyalty and fidelity, then there is no need for the above arguement at all. And yet, in our not so perfect world, people often get tempted and as with the great saying, to err is human. Then what do you do about it?
As i watch with earnest as to this potential drama unfolding in front of me, i wonder and ponder about the many reasons why people cheat. And what exactly is the bottom line? When do you know thats it and when do you forgive a person and move on?
In conclusion to this discussion that my friend and i had, we both realised that all we can do as friends for this couple is to hope and pray that they will both realise their clash in personalities and learn to compromise, give and take and learn to respect one another. At the same time, as friends, we just have to be understanding and know they are doing their best, although of late, there have been comments as to not wanting to party with the couple coz of the staredowns. Oh well, what will happen will happen. Till i come up with more thoughts on this topic, cheerios

Goals

I went shopping for Superman's wedding today. Couldn't find anything that i really wanted. Looked at some stuff, was hoping to buy the blue dress i saw the other time, but apparently they don't have it anymore. Sighz.
Anyway, had dinner at that nice place at Taka that serves the nice tofu. Didn't have a pleasant time there this time round though. I guess i can attribute it to the fact that i'm not very adventurous when it comes to food. Ordered this noodle dish wrongly, so when it came, i was quite put off already. The smell and taste was just off for me. So settled for eating tofu. And since my friend ordered it for herself, i decided to order another serving of it. Now to make my already crappy dinner bad, they remembered to key in the order, but didn't bother to bring it to our table. I guess that pissed me off big time. And when i called for the bill, i had already lost my appetite. So when they bought the bill over, i mentioned that the dish had not arrived yet. And suddenly, the manager goes and brings it over. I mean, hello? I've already asked for the bloody bill. So i didn't accept the food and just settled for what we ate. I left my card with them, and somewhere in between, another waiter came with the food. Which part of the i am no longer interested did they not comprehend.
Oh well, my stomach is growling now. Stupid me for being stubborn. Sighz. But i really did lose my appetite then already. Anyway, a thought occurred to me today. I was sitting down, drafting a detailed plan of 2006 goals and resolution when i stop and wonder why do some people set goals. Why do some people not set goals. Why do some people set goals that they never bother fulfilling and some are so driven to fulfill their goals. And also, do u set little goals as in for each year, or must you first set your life goals, and then break it down to set little goals.
Therefore, if i am a big picture sort of person, i would first envision what achievements would i like to have before i die. Or for me to feel like i've succeeded in life. And then i would go into the nitty gritty details. But what if i am a small picture sort of person? Then does it mean that i am a person more concerned with the going ons of everyday and therefore, i live each day as it is?
As i looked deeper into the resolutions i made for 2006, i asked myself this question. How does it all tie up? How does it tie up to the big picture. And i guess the most important question is what is the big picture?
I will ponder more about this question as i also figure out what is it that i really want to achieve out of my existance here on earth. What do i want to contribute to society and what so i want to do that will be of influence to each and single person that i meet everyday.

Raindrops + Sunshine = Rainbow

Please do not ask me why this is such a silly title. But i think its totally sweet. Its a blend between the raindrops that make people wet, and the sun that burns, and yet, at the very end of it, you get a beautiful rainbow and all seems to be perfect all over again.
And with this perfect case of blending and fusion, i think sometimes the most beautiful things are there for those who wait for the rain to pass, for the heat to be bearable, and at the end, there is that rainbow that makes the waiting worthwhile.
Went for dinner last night with B2. Had a good talk as usual. Its amazing how much we have in common and the list just grows with each dinner session or drink session that we share. Funny how i've known B2 for close to half a year now and its only recently taht we've made the effort to get to know each other better. And i'm glad we did.
Went Thumpers after that. Same old affair. Met an old classmate there. A statement she made tickled me. The two boys from 4/9 grew up to become women. That was hilarious.
Chatted with TG online just now. I guess one of the things that i love most abt him is that he is sensitive and at the same time, understanding of me as a person. Sometimes, i am amazed at how he manages to read my thoughts and voice out stuff that i am feeling. And i guess he is after all a man who sometimes forgets and says things that are senseless and mean and that hurt. But i guess at the end of the day, when he apologizes, i cannot bear to stay angry with him.
Anyway, saw him online yesterday, but didn't get a chance to talk to him coz he was bz. Then today again, saw him online, then he said he was bz. Then i was in one of my whiny and needy moods, and i sulked coz he didn't talk to me. And when he once again told me he was bz, i said oki lor, its my fault anyway. And i left my msn as it was, and went to do other things. Went back half hour later to my computer, and saw a new window. In it he asked how my day was. And although it was probably a simple question that you would ask any one of your friends, it meant a lot to me. And what meant even more was subsequently after that, he shared a little of what he did, then told me this, that i get the feeling taht you feel like sometimes i ignore you. But that's not true. And that's when he shared all the stuff he did and told me that its not like he is ignoring me and all. And i guess i was comforted. Thanks TG.
Don't feel like going into the details. So i guess that's the gist of it. Alright. Will blog more tml or later. Cheerios

The 1st Tuesday of the 1st month of the brand new year

I was going through some of my previous postings just today. And i realised that some of my very best works came about at a time where i was super depressed, thinking lots and doing the best i could to be a better person in what i perceived then to be a really hard and tough world.
Maybe its becoz of my perceptions that formed the reality in my life then. The more i percieved something to be hard and tough, the more it became so. And so, therefore life just got harder, and i got more unhappy. Someone once told me life is a cycle. And i likened it to when i went off road riding, stuck in a rut on a slope. There were a couple of different styles in riding. The first of them would rev the throttle real hard, gave the bike more power and pray damn hard that the bike got out of the rut. More often then not, i would see these people dig a even deeper rut. Force against force, nothing would budge. Then the second group of people would carry their bike out of the rut and carry on riding. Now, for this group of people, there are also two sorts. Those that are big and strong enough to carry their bikes out of the rut, and those that aren't and just wait for someone to come and help them carry their bike out of the rut. And there are those that fall off the bike, pick themselves up, brush off the dirt, pick up the bike and carry on riding. Those that wait for others to pick up their bike, help them kickstart the bike and carry on riding. Those that have people help them with the above and ask to stop riding, ask someone to ride their bike to flat land.
So many different kinds of people, with different kinds of reaction to a similar experience. Now for me, i have likened the spirit of riding to life. Why is that so? Well once in a while, in our smooth sailing life, we come across a rut. Sometimes, the bike falls, u fall. just like in life, sometimes u take a hit and u stumble. But everyone has a choice as to what they want to do at that moment in time. When i go dirtbiking, i realise how much my character had changed over the years.
When i first started biking, i would be the sort that would pick my bike out of the rut and carry on riding. That was not after several experiences of gassing the throttle and getting stuck even deeper. Then i learnt that what works for me was to lift the bike out of the rut. Then again, i was riding a much smaller and lighter bike then. And when i fell, i would pick myself up, brush off the dirt and get on with it. Maybe i would ride a tad slower coz i was scared of falling again. But i never once said, fuck it, leave the bike here, or can someone else ride the bike out for me?
Recently, about close to 2 mths back, i went riding once again. After a long break of not riding for close to 2 years. This time, i realised how different i was in handling the same problem. I fell, i got up, waited for friends to come and help me pick up the bike, start the bike, ride up the hill for me and someone else would pillion me up the hill or i would walk up. Recently i had dinner with a friend who asked me this, how come u not so garang anymore? I could think of a million and one answers for her, and i yet i knew deep down at the bottom of my heart, its only coz somewhere along the way, i lost the fighting spirit. The will and desire to do everything on my own, and the desire to carry on even when the going got tough. Somewhere along the way, i became weak. I gave up easily. And i let that formed up. Then once in a while, i throttle hard, only to feel that i was stuck even deeper in the rut and i could no longer get out. But yet, is it coz i chose to not get out and stay stuck, hoping and praying taht someone would come back and help, when all the help was around me and i chose to be stubborn.
As the new year begins, i wonder just how much i have hidden deep in me over all these years that i perceived to be hurt and troubled and life was tough and i gave up. I wondered that is character built, or is inherent inside a person. And if it is, then somewhere deep within the reserves, there is a person who still stands, who still has the exact same qualities that i look up to nowadays. And somewhere beneath it all, there is a person who has been pushed aside, coz i refuse to acknowledge her presence. And in knowing just this one bit of information, i will do all that i can to lure this person out. Just so i can once again lead life to the fullest. Coz i know that person is somewhere behind a door, that i have shut many many years ago.

Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

The day after New Year

Bloody tired man. Slept at close to 8am this morning after a night out. Think i really have to stop doing this. Anyway, woke up at 1pm to go for an appointment. Thank goodness Superman called. If not i think i might not have heard the alarm and might have just overslept. Anyway, he ask to meet at 4pm. Told him i'll meet him after my appointment.
Finished my appointment at 6pm. Headed down to meet him, only to have them tell me they were leaving. But i guess, as with my character, i could hardly get angry could i? After all, i really did have an important appointment. Anyway, hung out with B2 for a while. Actually that's an understatement. We had dinner, and later went for drinks. It's amazing how similar B2 and myself are in thinking. Hence the name B2. Anyway, i cannot for the life of me, vocalise into words how i feel about all that was shared. And if there is such a thing as a soulmate in this world, B2 must be it. There was just so much to share, and we could complete each other's sentence. I'm glad that its only the 2nd day of the new year, and yet, i feel like i've found a new friend. And funny, i think B2 will be a good friend. Call it gut instinct.
Anyway, as usual, TG said the last time we were out for dinner that he'll meet me for coffee today. The call never came, i sms him, he didn't reply. Its becoming a trend that he'll tell me some day, or date, and not follow up on it. I don't want to call him or sms him coz i guess i'm still sore about that night. Sometimes, when i think about him, i feel bad. Coz i wonder, if i should disappear from the face of the earth, would he even notice? Would he even know that i'm dead? And most importantly, would he even bother or care? I seem to be so low on his to contact list, and nothing that i'm doing seems to bring me one step closer. Not forgetting his statement about how, when a girl gives him her no, he thinks of her as cheap. Unless of course she is Brooke Shields. And then, his statement about how, if they want to sleep with him, he will also find it a lack of challenge and not bother about them. Maybe that's how he feels about me? Not sure. But i only know that one line hurt. More then walking into the room and seeing COW with another woman. More then when Guardian said he was leaving for good or getting married. I've always wondered why man cannot be sensitive enough to know that when a girl likes you, whether you like her or not, you should never ask her to hook up with someone else, sleep with someone else or just go date someone else. It's like a double whamy. First you don't like me, then you treat me like a product, to be given away or sold to the first buyer that comes along, coz u want to get it as far away from you as possible. Anyway, enough rambling. Late. Need to sleep. And its too early in the year to be distressed about these matters. Cheerios

Happy New Year

I'm not really someone that sticks with my new year resolutions. But i guess i should not break tradition by missing out on my own new year resolutions. Here's a couple:

1) Lose weight.
I seem to be stuck at this resolution for the last maybe 6 yrs. Anyway, ideal weight would be 58kg. Currently 66kg. Guess i need more work. How i am going to be doing this amazing feat? Run more, swim more and as soon as i get the bike fixed, cycle more. That leads us to the next resolution.

2) Complete a triathlon.
Alright. I've taken too long away from competitive sport. And because i am totally aprehensive about sport at the moment, i'm not going to aim to make it to some national squad or team. All i want is to complete the triathlon in the approved and allocated time. Once again, to compete and complete, i need a new bike. So next resolution would be,

3) Work hard, earn more.
Alright. I want to do my MDRT this year. So, i have to work harder and earn more $$. So i can have extra money to give my parents, to buy myself a new racer and also, to sponser myself for a course. Next resolution,

4) Do my CFP course.
Yes, i am one of those bums that don't have a degree. And coz i want to prove to the whole world that actually i'm rather intelligent, i'm going to sit for my CFP course this year. If i fulfill resolution 3 then i will have the money to sit for my CFP course. And i will have the money to sign up for a course with SIM. I just want my bloody paper before the age of 30.

The 5th resolution would be to call or sms TG less. But i've decided to not add this in coz i'll probably fail after the first week. And since i would like to work the rest of my resolutions, i will not kickstart the year with a failure. Maybe its just my excuse. I'll wake up one day i'm sure. So till then, he will still have my undivided love and attention. Although i must admit i'm a tinge hurt still but his statement and his actions. Guess it'll pass at some point of time. Till then, i'll pretend that it did not bug me, when all day long, the scene keeps replaying in my mind. Its driving me nuts.

The 6th resolution would be really dependent on the 5th. He asked me to quit smoking. Frankly speaking, i really have no real incentive to quit. But he has said that if i quit, he'll make and effort to spend more time with me. Then again, its one of those chicken and egg theory. See, if i quit smoking, then if he doesn't spend more time with me, its unlikely that i'll want to pick up smoking again right. After all, quiting would not be easy. If i don't quit smoking, then he will just not spend more time with me. So, i guess either way i lose. Shit. I hate to be in a lose-lose situation. And if i lie to him, then i feel bad. Damn. Let's see what happens.

I'm thinking of the 7th resolution, coz i like the no. 7. Seems unlikely to have only 6 resolutions. Alright. Thought about it. For my 7th resolution, i will not add any more numbers to the number count. Ha. Not many people know about this. This one is personal. For me to know, for you to find out. So, the number will stay at the same no, till at least next year. What the hell am i talking about? Frankly, i don;t know =P

Alright. Here's the list as with tradition. One year older, one year wiser. Stop getting cheated by people and men alike. Maybe i should just be a bitch. Seemed to work then.. Cheers, and Happy New Year to myself once again

The Day before New Year

What a day. Had a whole day meeting to attend. Boy was i tired. Normal day after all. Had dinner with Papa Bear, superstar and all before heading for countdown at Siam with Superman and friends. Would have been perfect if TG had turned up. But, i know he said he had his own plans, and Superman said that TG didn't reply him at all. So i guess, all i can do is wish him a Happy new year. Anyway, not like it'll really matter to him whether i wish him Happy new year or not. So, no loss.
Superman and wife fought tonight. What a way to usher in the new year. Kinda sad actually. I guess its times like this where i feel torn in my loyalties. You know that my direct loyalties lie with Superman coz i know him first. And yet, i feel bad for the wife, coz i know how egoistic and egocentric this one man can be. And alcohol never helps him. Anyway, i did what a friend would have done, i sat and listened to her complain and maybe just share. Lend her a listening ear. Well, my first job as Aunt Agony this new year. As for my new year resolutions, still thinking about them. Will keep them posted...Cheers