Back and in need of a holiday

Just came back from Perth last night. Wasn't really in a mood to blog at all so decided to skip blogging till i was a little more certain about how i felt.
Left on Tuesday, back on Saturday. And in need of a holiday.
It was a a sweet-bitter holiday for me. I guess to start off with, the whole planning of the trip wasn't really very smooth. Hiccups here and there and last minute tickets should have been a clear indication that going away was probably wrong. Come to think of it, i've never had a smooth holiday with any one that i dated before. Sighz. Maybe i'm just jinxed!
Packing for the trip started earlier for me rather then the usual 1 hour before setting off to the airport, and yet again, i managed to forget something. The all important contact lens solution. And that wasn't too bad. Figured i could buy it before meeting Darling at the bus stop. But the optical shop at my place was closed and so had to settle for trying my luck at the airport or when i got to Perth. Honestly, i was pretty excited. It was our first trip away together. And i've always wanted to take the plane with my boyfriend and go away on a holiday together. So i took quite a bit of pictures along the way, cam whoring and making him cam whore with me. Finally reached Perth, too late to buy contact lens solution. Decided to hit the sack instead.
The following morning, wanted to go to the sale site to take a look at some of the horses that Darling was interested in buying during the auction. But they said that the horses weren't ready. So instead, we went to the same place, but to watch their horse racing. Saw a gift shop there and bought a really cute soft toy for Darling. I figured buying him a horse soft toy was as close as i was going to get to buying him any present coz presents would be hard to explain when he brings them home. But the soft toy was just so adorable and he seemed to like it. Anyway, after we left their turf club, we headed back to the hotel for lunch and subsequently Darling and i headed to their shopping area to try to find a chemist to buy my contact lens solution.
We shopped around for a bit. But it wasn't a totally happy experience i guess. Darling wanted to pay for my shopping, but i decline. And paid for the stuff myself. He was upset about it. I suppose i could have relented and let him pay. But i guess i wasn't too comfortable about it. Then while we were playing with their scratch and win cards, i thought i had won on one of the cards. But in actual fact, i made a mistake and it was actually his card. So when i asked him about it, he took out the money from his wallet, then i realized my mistake, passed him back the money and for a moment, he lost his cool and was pissed off. It was time to go home anyway, and i figured i would make it back up to him when we got back to the hotel. =(
The cab wait back to the hotel lasted almost 2 hrs and it was a cold and long wait. We played cards while waiting for the cab and finally, after the really long stretch of waiting, we were back in our hotel. Showered and changed before heading over to the casino. Didn't stay too late the first night although definitely way past his bed time.
The next day, we woke up late due to the fact that we were up late. So only managed to squeeze in breakfast before heading to the auction site to view the horses. I wouldn't say Darling was upset or anything. Just that maybe that's him when he's working. He gets uptight and cannot multi-task. Forget about any niceties, or all that sweet talk or love talk. It was work work work. I was cool about it. Figured that he was also stressed out and would probably get better when the auction was over and things were settled. So i tried to make myself useful by helping him take pictures of the horses, by helping him find the horses that he was looking for and letting him know where they were. Finished taking pictures, we headed back to hotel to upload the pictures to send them to this owners. Helped him as much as i could with that as well, before off we went back to the auction site for the auction. Auction didn't go as well as he would have liked i suppose. Coz he didn't seem very happy even after the auction. =(
Went back to hotel after auction, had dinner and we were once again back to the casino. I guess there wasn't really much to do late at night. Slept late once again.
The following morning, we were up late again, and this time, he needed to arrange for the horses to be broken-in before arriving in Singapore. So off we went to the sale site again, and took pictures of the horses, settled logistics stuff and finally, when we returned back to hotel, it was 2ish already. I was looking forward to him bringing me out and about to see the town area. But he suggested going to the casino and i figured maybe he wanted to gamble. I wanted to make out, but he said he wouldn't be able to gamble after that. So i thought, what the heck, we'll come back early and we could make the night last considering it was our last night together in Perth.
The short trip to the casino didn't end till close to 6 in the morning. So my plans were washed down the drain. I guess i could have said i wanted to leave. But i didn't. Coz he didn't seem to want to leave as well. We at least had a nice sit down dinner, just the two of us, with proper food. Only consolation of the night i suppose. Came back, fell asleep and when we woke, it was time to shower, pack up and check out.
This was probably also the turning point of the whole trip. Something happened. I have no idea what. But something happened. I initially thought it was merely because of the fact that he didn't get enough rest. And was grumpy. But somehow, it didn't quite feel that way. Somehow i felt that something changed between us that morning. It wasn't just grumpiness. It was deliberate coldness. Throughout the day, whenever i tried to kiss him, i felt like i was forcing it upon him. Whenever i tried to initiate some physical contact, i didn't feel warmth. Only coldness. It didn't help that while we were shopping for souvenirs, he wanted to buy my something but i declined. And he was once again upset. Sighz. I have no idea what to do. Do i just smile and say, yes i like that a lot when i don't like it at all, or let him buy me something that i will never ever use, and it will just be sitting at the bottom of my wardrobe just because there was a need to get a souvenir?
Anyway, the trip back on the plan was probably more a sleeping plane ride then anything else. But by the time we got back to Singapore, i already felt that i had left him in Perth and i came back alone although he was physically sitting next to me in the taxi. I tried reaching out and holding his hand, i tried reaching over and giving him a kiss. I asked him if he was happy, if things were fine. And he said they were. But i knew deep down that something was bothering him and he was lying to me. When he dropped me off and for a while when i couldn't open the boot of the taxi, i could only see pure irritation in his eyes. And that was about it. He was heading home, family was waiting for him. So i didn't have a chance to talk things out with him and asked him what was bothering him.
This morning, i woke up real early, hoping that i would be up in time for his usual morning sms. It never came. I waited till 10ish before texting him. He didn't reply. I texted again at 11. It wasn't convenient to reply. Was hoping to catch a ride with him to club. He said cannot. Asked him via sms whether things were fine between us. And he once again said they were. Said he was acting weird. And he said he didn't know how to explain things to me. So i suppose, things weren't fine. It's just that he didn't know how to put it across to me. Was it me? Did i do something wrong? Did i once again do something to irritate, piss someone off without knowing it?
I finally saw him at club. We went for a smoke, and i once again asked if things were alright between us. He said they were but he didn't want to talk about it. For a while now, i haven't felt so trapped and so alone, so scared, so unsure. When he left, i turned into the toilet and i cried. I hid in the toilet for the longest of time, waited for my eyes to look normal before heading back upstairs. Didn't dare to look up at anyone for fear of someone seeing those red eyes and wondering what happened. All i wanted to do was go home, lock myself up in my room and be alone. It was a busy day for him, so didn't see him till race 5. Things weren't and didn't feel any better then. He was still cold and distant. And i was positive that i had unknowingly done something so bad to make him feel the way he did. Or maybe he wasn't happy with me anymore.
Before he left club, he did give me a hug. It made me feel better for a while. But deep down inside, until he tells me what was bugging him, i wouldn't feel good. I wrote him some smses, but didn't send them to him. I didn't know what to do, how to do or anything. All i can say is, i am really lost. If my presence makes him unhappy, then doesn't it make sense for me to leave. I don't want him to be unhappy. I won't blame him, if he told me that he wanted to end things between us. Coz i always knew that there would be no happy ending in our relationship. But i guess i did feel blessed and happy for a while. I felt loved. Something that i haven't felt in a long while. But i also understand that it's not easy for him to do this juggling act. And that i wouldn't be surprised if he felt tired. If he felt drained. If he felt that after spending time with me, it is still her that he loves.
I have never been lucky in love. Or maybe i have. It would be lie to say that Guardian never loved me. Or Tour Guide never loved me. They did. Just like, i'm sure Darling did love me. Just maybe not enough. But what is enough? Who determines enough? What determines enough? We've barely gotten together for 3 months, but the emotions that he invoked in me today, made me realize that in such a short time, he's become someone very dear and important to me. While i am still rational, i am prepared to let him go. I am prepared to put on a really brave front, to grit my teeth and wish him happiness and all the best.

It's been a while since someone has managed to create that bitter, painful feeling in my heart. Everything today feels wrong. Seeing you unhappy and seemingly pushing me away makes it more painful. Not knowing why feels like being placed in a torture chamber. If you feel that you no longer love me, then let me know, let me hurt for a while and move on.
1610

You told me once that if we were unhappy or there was something bothering us, that we should share with each other. it seems like you're shutting me out. I have asked u time and again since yesterday if things were fine. You said they were. But your actions tell me differently. Maybe you feel differently about me. Maybe something i did or didn't do made you upset, pissed, unhappy. But since i don't know what it is, there seems to be nothing i can do as well. And this feeling makes me feel trapped and tortured. I can only conclude that you don't need me around. And if that is the case, the i genuinely wish you all the best. I hope you'll always be happy.
1655

This is my take of what happened. I suppose he felt bad. That his wife was being so nice and fantastic to him and yet, he was away in Perth, alone in a room with me. Whether he felt anything for me or not didn't matter. Or maybe he did feel something. But that something that he feels for me cannot outweigh what he feels for his wife. I feel that i'm making things difficult for him just being around. It would be much better if i left or walked away. coz end of the day, he'll just hurt a littleat the start. Better then being tormented for the rest of his life.
1935

Those were the sms that never left for the outbox. I know there is no basis for comparison. I knew right from day one, what i was signing up for. I will never blame anyone for the choices that i made. For the path that i chose to walk down. I am glad for his company however brief. I am now tired and need to sleep. But i am also emotionally drained and i know i just need one last ounce of bravery. I so want to be loved. I so want to fall asleep in the arms of my loved one and for him to tell me that all will be fine and that he'll always be around for me. End of the day, i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking to be loved.

My Weekend

The whole week didn't go too well in my favor. And was a little disturbed that i was going to race my virgin OD triathlon on Sunday. Mentally not quite prepared, physically even worse due to insufficient training because of poor time management and laziness. But already agreed to go up with friends, so decided that if i didn't race, i'll be a supporter.
Saturday morning didn't start off all too well for me either. Woke up early coz didn't pack the night before due to it being a racing night, and was super hungry after racing, do decided to head off for supper. Reached home close to 1.30am, and decided that packing could wait. Was so super duper tired. Saw Darling's sms that he was going to meet me before i head off to Port Dickson. But in the end, due to lack of sufficient communication, we didn't get to meet. I was upset of course. =( And we ended having our first little tiff. Anyway, Jerry came to pick me up at about 10.20am and off we went to meet the rest at shell station.
We were the last car to reach surprisingly. Guess the theory is true. The nearer you stay, the later you'll be. Quite a few cars driving up together. There was adventure-racer Wilson and family, there was Julzzz and Reaves, there was Sk who was supporting only, there was CEO Edkor and wife and son, there was Babumouse Michael, SC Prata Nigel and Evangelis Enrico, and Acturix not sure what his real name is. The rest had already set off earlier but we were smarter. coz they cleared the customs at about the same time we did. IMIM Clifford, Don, Tee etc.
We stopped for lunch at Ayer Hitam after Edkor brought us on a sightseeing tour. Haha... Quite funny. Coz all following the lead car. But typical scenario of the blind leading the blind. Finally reach Port Dickson at 4 plus. But not without a hiccup. As we were entering PD, Teryn sms to say that the race hotel cock up her booking, and that she didn't have a room for Jerry and myself. Die liaoz. Coz we told Eng Boon ealier on in the moring that we were taking Yanglyn's room coz he backed out last minute. Then suddenly when about to reach race site, then tell us no room, then jialat. Heng Eng Boon also decided to not turn up at PD. So we took his room in the end. Quite lucky coz there was only one hotel which had room then, the crappy hotel that everyone swore not to stay in after last year's horrid experience.
Reached PD, headed straight to race hotel for registration and to buy powergel coz i forgot to bring powergel to PD. Then went to hotel to check in. The hotel was not too bad lah. Service apartment sort. And quite cheap lah. 100Rm for one night. Had a big living room sort of thing. After check in, prepared bike for race, check bike before heading back to race hotel for carbo loading dinner. Dinner sucked big time manz. After dinner, didn't stay for race briefing coz went with Julzz, reaves, Edkor and family, Acturix, Sk, Jerry, Matthew and friend for makan session round 2 at the night market. Didn't dare to eat much at the street side store. Scared next day tummy ache. Then some of them wanted to go for beer after that, but Jerry and I decided that we needed rest more then we needed to get drunk. Plus who drinks beer before race? Dehydrated plus dehydration is a sure way to get heat stroke, bonk and collapse before reaching finishing point.
Crappy Carbo loading dinner. Check out my face!
Went back, packed everything nicely, showered and slept like a baby. Was asleep before 11.30pm although i did get aroused by an sms. Hee.. But didn't reply lah. Too tired manz.
Woke up early at about 5.30am. But wasn't suppose to be up till 6am, so i rolled over and went back to sleep. Woke up at 6am, wash up, ate breakfast and got ready to leave. Best part was lift was jammed. So, had to carry bikes down 11 floors. Took it pretty positively. After all, can take as warm up right? Cycled to race site. Wah. So many people. Pretty intimidating. A lot of hot shot athletes. Quite a lot of big names were there also. Was in wave 4, so my wave starting at 8.20 only. Was pretty jittery due to insufficient mental and physical preparation. But i told myself one leg at a time. Finish swim then will think about bike. Finish bike then will think about run. Pretty decent strategy for me i guess.
Got kicked a couple of times in the swim by the same person. Quite irritated. Tried to speed up to drop the girl, then she also speed up. Level up with me, then swim breastroke. Faintz. Anyway, got out of the water before 34mins. Ran to rinse off, then slowly jog to transition. Then best part was i left the powergel in hotel room. So effectively, i had no nutrition plan other then the can of coffee that i had not drank in the morning. So put on my biking stuff, took half a can of coffee before off i went on the bike leg. The other half was for after the bike leg =)
Bike route was pretty hilly. But quite interesting for me coz only 1 loop. Then get to see all the other cyclist on the other side of the road. Every time i was climbing the hills, i would motivate myself that what comes up, must come down. Then i also didn't allow myself to slack off while going down slope because hoping momentum will take me up half of the next slope. And in a while, i was at the U-turn point. The journey back was even better. Was taking in the sights, and just pushing on the pedals. And i didn't think of what else needed to be done. Just pedal. Motto of the bike leg. Hee.. Then saw many familiar faces. Some of them had already started running. While i was turning back on the bike leg to transition, i saw Lloyd. Impressive man. Finishing race liaoz i haven't even start run. Haha...
Reached transition, took off all the biking stuff, hooked bike up and changed to running shoes. Only took 1 sip of water, and 1 mouthful of yukky coffee coz under the sun too long. Then another sip of water and i was out of T2. Looked at my watch, 2hrs 10 mins. Was feeling damn good, damn high and damn strong. Was thinking in my head, i'm ahead of schedule. Can take a slow jog at about 7min/km pace and still finish the race before 3hr 30mins. Felt great still. At 2km mark, i was still joking and feeling damn high. The sun was started to heat up real bad and was wondering what happens if i get burnt on one side and not the other side. By the 3rd km, i was starting to really really feel the sun. By 4th km, i was almost out. Started a walking a little, but told myself to persist till at least the U turn point. Hit the U-turn point, ran till 6km and something in me just gave up. I was feeling high, but not the sort of high that comes with adrenaline rush. It was the sort of dizzy, faint feeling. Felt like a headache was starting. Felt thirsty. Hungry. Horrid. Gave up, and started walking. Walked till about 8.5km point before i started jogging again. Already i knew i blew my 3hr 30min time. So slow and steady all the way. Drenched myself at each of the rest point and jogged with wet shoes and socks. Finally finished the race in 3hr 40min. Not too far away from my projected time, but i guess i could have done it in 3hr 30min or less if i had stuck to my run plan. Worst 10km run i've ever had.
The start of the worst 10km run i've done in my life
After that, cycled back to hotel, showered, packed, checked out, met the rest for lunch, had durians, pumped petrol and headed back to Singapore. Stuck at Tuas checkpoint due to horrid jam. Finally back home at 8.45pm.
Some after race thoughts. Boo-boo at run leg could have been avoided if i had been sufficiently prepared. Meaning variety of run times. Sometimes must run in noon day sun. Also, not enough mileage clocked for run ever since Sundown. Actually to be precise, no mileage clocked after sundown. Other then that, i guess it boils down to training more and training harder. Now i finally understand the term, train hard race easy. Will be back in PD next year again. I have a score to settle. hehe

Not so bright Friday

I guess it's always been the case for me. Monday sorts of determines how the rest of the week progresses. I suppose it could be all in the mind. Something like a self fulfilling prophecy. Not sure. But Friday was another low for me. I guess this week, there were a lot more lows then highs.
I also suppose it's due to the face that problems are carried over each day this week. Unresolved issues. And while they remained unresolved, i don't feel any better. Only good thing that happened today was that the air tickets are out, which means i'm heading for a holiday soon with my Darling. Counting down the days, 4 more days! Yippie!
That's the highlight for the day.
Now for the lows.
Went to office at 11am this morning. As usual, 4 people turned up for meeting. I suppose for the life of me, i cannot understand why this is the case. Why do people constantly not turn up for meeting? I can understand that for once or twice, something crops up, you can't make it. But every time? Or even saying you'll turn up and then not turn up? Supposed to go through writing of PFR today. Technically, i don't have to be there. Since i already know how to write the PFR. But, manager says team meeting, ask for sales figures. So i go lor. In the end, never even ask for sales figures, never even have a decent meeting. As usual, he talk and talk and talk, and nothing gets concluded and done. So say, because of the lack of turn out, must meet again next week. But what's the point, when after all, it'll be the same 4 people who turn up while the rest play hide and seek with us?
Then supposed to have another meeting with Faroque and Kumar to settle the customer complaint. Then Faroque called at 1 to ask if can push back the meeting. Kumar happily agreed coz still talking. So, let Kumar carry on talking. Then Faroque met me for a while, then ask me some stuff, say will call client on my behalf. Ask me don't so naive in future. Take everything client say at face value. No conclusion to this problem once again. But, maybe Monday i will find out what transpired between Head Office and Client. But still doesn't take the weight off my mind about what actions will be taken after this since i now know that the email was cc to MANY people. I guess i am disappointed to say the least. I would have to do some serious reflection. And i believe this is something that could have been avoided if i had handled the situation differently. Oh well.. lesson learned.
Then met Darling before heading in to Club. Our meeting started off well, other then the fact that it was race day and his hp was beeping non stop. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was when we were about to leave for club, something happened, he got upset with me. And i suppose i also didn't know exactly what i did wrong. Why he suddenly turn so upset. And it bothered me. Then he said something really sarcastic to me and i felt pretty hurt i guess. =( And we didn't get a chance to resolve it coz i knew he was still angry when he left. And we were both angry in our own ways. So didn't managed to get it settled before heading to club. Aiya, i also dun know lah. I admit i have a lot of baggage. But i remember last time, whenever Guardian was unhappy or angry with me, sure break up one. So i was sad then. I know Darling is different. And i really feel that Darling love me in a different way. But, somehow, i freaked out in the evening. I didn't know why he was angry or upset. I didn't know what i said or did.
Anyway, we sorta settled the problem. He said next time race day don't want to see me. It wasn't a discussion, so i guess whatever he says goes. I felt that there wasn't an option given in his sms to me. Then he sms to tell me why he was upset/angry. I can't take back what happened. But i know i didn't mean things to end up that way. But it did. Then what can i say? Anyway, i didn't realize how much Darling affected me until en-route to club, i made a really bad judgment and almost crashed. I managed to do an emergency break in time to avoid crashing into the car. Was damn scared for a while. At that very second, i thought this was it man. I jammed both my brakes damn hard. The back was skidding already. Sighz
So now i know, if Darling and i fight, i better don't ride after that. Coz i get reckless and careless. And it was damn scary lor. Anyway, i suppose the thing was that i didn't crash and i was fine. So after that, then i go club. Had some pretty good tips today. But felt that whole day had just been one hell of a low day. Better don't gamble. Like maybe i quite weird. I will feel that when i gamble, i must be feeling alright. If not then no luck to gamble one. But when feel lousy, people give good tips also never buy. So lose-lose situation. Maybe if just now gamble, then win money also happy. But also, recently like quite tight. Then thought i'll rather save the money instead of gambling.
Darling and I talked a little at club. On the surface things look fine. But i must admit it's still bugging me a little. I also don't know exactly which part is bugging me. But it is. Anyway, off to Port Dickson come morning. Am almost 80% certain i will race. I just hope the race goes smoothly. Not aiming for any particular timing for this race. Aim is to complete.
Tired. Going to bed. Crappy day means more sleep time needed to shorten the days!

Wake up calls

It's interesting how often in my life, i drift along for the longest of time, before the weirdest thing will serve as a wake up call for me. I must admit that i've never been a very internally motivated person. I seldom find something that i'm so passionate about that i would move the mountains and reach for the stars for them. Unless it's love of course. Love makes me do wonders. Often i find myself in a situation where i would ask myself if faced with the same situation on my own, would i do the same thing? Very often i guess not.
I suppose i've always been like this. Not that because i've always been like this, that makes it right. But i seem to spend most of my life seeking the approval of others whom i deem as important. And very often, i get side tracked off my own plans because i am seeking the approval of that one important person.
But i got a wake up call today. I guess for the last couple of months, i have once again been drifting along. Not anyone's fault but my own. I fall back into the habit when i'm not conscious about it. When i first broke off last November, i had a list of things i wanted to do, things i wanted to achieve. And for the first couple of months, i stuck to the things i wanted to do and achieve. And for those that i had not done, i told myself that i would eventually get to them. At the back of my mind, i had it all worked out. I didn't expect to get attached.
Not that being attached is a bad thing. In fact, it's been one of the greatest things to have happened to me in a while now. For a long time now, i've not been involved in any healthy relationship where we both adore each other. But as mentioned many times before, due to the unique nature of our relationship, i once again felt that i had put my life on hold. It wasn't like he put a knife to my neck and demanded that i sit around and wait for him. It's just me i guess. I would not like to miss an opportunity to see him or meet up with him. And so i wait. But while i am waiting, Things don't get done. While i am waiting, work doesn't get started or completed. And once again, i get side tracked.
The simple of act of putting the atm card into the machine and seeing the numbers being reflected on the screen woke me up big time this morning. I can't even remember when was the last time i had less then 15 bucks in my account. Maybe never since i was given my own atm card at 13? My finances were generally healthy because i've never liked to depend on others. I was always a firm believer of saving for that rainy day. And it was a rude shock. I suppose better now then never. But it's a good shock. At least something fired me up to want to get off my lazy ass and do something.
And because i figured i had to do something, i also had a talk with Darling earlier on in the evening over dinner about my plans and also what i intended to do. I suppose the plans have yet to materialize. But i figured, as long as i had a plan and stuck to it as closely as possible, i couldn't be any far worse then i am today. The problem with me in the last couple of months was i had NO plan at all. Nothing to make me look forward to each day when i woke up other then what time would Darling be free to meet up with me. It was a great talk coz i've never been someone who felt very secure with not meeting up. But he said something about the level of trust that we have with each other and he's right. The best part of my relationship was when i trusted my partner and went out to strive to do more each day, while keeping some time each week to spend with my partner. Quality time and not quantity time. And that eroded when my trust for men went downhill. And from then on, my life just became messy.
So, for all it's worth, i think Darling is someone i can trust. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed. I'll spend the appropriate amount of time on my work, on my training and with the folks, and also factor in time each week to spend with Darling. My take is, after all, it can't get any worse can it?
And by the way, i'm doing my first OD triathlon this weekend. Heading up to PD. Pretty apprehensive about it coz ever since Sundown, i've trained like a total of less then the number of fingers i have on my hands. So, totally unfit, mentally unprepared. But the race holds a far greater meaning to me. Am glad that i'm just doing it. Coz i'm already a month late from completing my first OD triathlon. Completing this would set things back in the course of action for me. Figuratively speaking of course. =)My mantra, one leg at a time. And for the rest of the year, one race, one sale, one meet up at a time. Surely i will get there!

Wild Wednesday

Crazy day today. Not in a bad way. In fact in a rather peculiar, maybe even bizarre as someone mentioned. =)
Woke up way too early, showered, and got ready to head in to office for a product launch. After reading the specs of the product upon coming home, i find that it is in fact interesting and an extremely decent product. Something that i would be willing to part my money with coz of the benefits that it can reap me. Anyway, that aside, the talk was decent. The test was funny as usual. I wonder why they bother with tests anyway when everyone i know cheats.
Headed off to meet Darling after the talk. Spent the entire afternoon with him. Felt really nice i guess. For a change, although there was a thought of him rushing off once again just when things got exciting, he preempted it. I was rather surprised actually. Guess he constantly surprises me with what he can pull out from his bag of tricks.
Headed home after spending the afternoon together. Was damn hungry. Which was weird since i had lunch at about 12.30. But i felt like i could swallow a whale at that point of time. So reached home, dumped my stuff, changed and headed off to pack food. Like i said, i could swallow a whale. Couldn't decide on duck noodles or char kway teow, so decided to save myself the hassle of deciding and bought both. Then when i got back, darling said his mum cooked soup. And he packed soup for me as well. So i had a huge huge dinner! Yummy! I love home cooked soup.
Stayed in after that coz Darling was tired and he hasn't been feeling well. Which bags the question of whether it's coz we're spending too much time together, and therefore, he is sleep deprived and thus, he is falling sick more often? Then in the afternoon, he told me that he felt like he almost died last night. Hmm... Oh well, something has to give. And since i love him a lot, have decided to see him less. Maybe alternate days, so he can rest more and therefore his immune system would be in tip top condition once again since he mentioned before that he seldom falls sick. =(
I guess the whole day went pretty well and decent. A long day tomorrow. So need to hit the sack soon. I have some other thoughts in my head. But need to sort them out before i blog more.
But before i do, here's one of the clips that touches my heart and never fails to inspire and motivate me. =)



And this is my motivation to go to Kona one day!

Blue blue Tuesday

So Monday Sucked. Tuesday wasn't any better.
Another oh so crappy day at work. Left office at 6.45p, thinking i had more then enough time to head home, shower and meet my darling. But the jam was so horrid. It took forever to get to pie. And upon reaching pie, traffic crawled at a pace that was so unbelievable. I reached Toa Payoh at 7.20. And knew that i would not be able to meet Darling. But i so wanted to. But figured he was suppose to meet his client at 7.30. So no way would i make it. And i would make him late. So reached home about 7.40. Too late to join him, too late to go for training.
Texted him to ask if he was going to meet me. But he just sms to say if i have program, ownself go ahead. But i really wanted to meet him. Debated with myself for a while whether i should ride to meet him, so after his appointment we could meet up. But decided against it. Then finally, he replied my sms, then say he going to watch movie. Sighz. I would have so wanted to catch a show with him. Then i ask him who he watching movie with, then he say watch alone.
It bugged me a little i suppose. If appointment end liaoz, then why he don't want to meet me leh? Why he rather go watch movie alone? Is it because i'm not important enough? Then he also know i have been wanting to watch movie with him together. But every time we are out, he either meet up late, we need to meet other people, or we need to have an early night coz he has to work the next day. But when he is alone, he can go watch movie. i suppose my questions will not be answered. And at times when i try to tell him that i'm unhappy or upset, he will say i'm too emotional. I have no idea also.
Maybe i am too emotional. Maybe i care a lot more about him then he does. Maybe because our times always revolve around his time. That first when he gets leave to go out, then we can meet up. That when he don't have, we can't meet. so that's why i view our time as precious. That's why whenever he is free to meet me, i make an effort to accommodate his time and spend time with him. But maybe, it's just me. Maybe i'm the only one who wants him and needs him.

Blue blue Monday (2)

The fact:
The rules of the game were defined early on. There was no cheating or lying of sorts. The cards were laid out on the table and flipped face up. If i could liken it to a game of hold'em then i saw the turn. And there was only the river left. And i was behind. I knew it. I understood. That statistically, i should have folded. There was no reason why i would have called that hand. Or even pushed all in. That if i was a half decent player, i would have, i should have folded. And yet, i checked, there was a raise, and i called. Only the river could save me. Only that very minute percentage. Only that last glimmer of hope. And yet i called.

The reality:
I suppose i understood what was there and what wasn't. I suppose i knew what i could have and what i couldn't. But saying that i understood and not feeling that i understood is a different story altogether. Feeling that i understood was a lot tougher then saying that i did. Coz in reality, if i understood the stakes involved, i would have folded. And yet i didn't.
We brought this issue up some time back. Something similar happened once. And we talked about it. We talked about how, when push comes to shove, i might have to walk down that road alone. That in the middle of the night, when i couldn't sleep i couldn't call that one person who's voice would soothe me to sleep. That when i was feeling down and blue, i couldn't pick up the phone and ask to see that one face that would make things seem alright once again. That if i was sick and in pain, i couldn't let the person know. And feeling a little sad, i would add, if i was dying, i couldn't see that face one last time. That i would always have to wait patiently till the next opportunity presented itself. That i play this waiting game. I wait till dawn comes, till the sun is up in the sky, before i get to see that face. Before i get to hear that voice. I said once that i didn't like to climb high. That i didn't want to be brought up to the skies, only to be let back down. Coz the higher up you are, the harder the fall.
The shadow. That's what i feel at times. How often do you notice your shadow. Do you realize that your shadow disappears when the sun sets? That whether your shadow is there or not, it doesn't affect your day? On a cloudy day, where the sun doesn't burst through the clouds, whould you realize that your shadow is missing?

The conclusion:
It's not like my problem goes away after hearing your voice, or seeing your face. It's not like the problem will magically disappear. It's not. If i was on my own, single, my problem would still be there. Mine to settle on my own. Mine to share or not share with anyone. So i suppose i'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I could rationalize it all away. But i can't help but feel even more alone this evening. It's funny really. I told you i understood. But it didn't hurt any less. Because it's always easiest to share joy and happiness with people. But it's a lot tougher to open up and share the hurt and pain. And somehow, tonight made me feel that hurt and pain, problems, are best kept deep in the recesses of one's heart and mind.
I can't help feeling sad. I can't help feeling a little dejected. But i can pretend once again when the sun comes up in the morning, that it didn't bug me one single bit. That all is fine and dandy. I can. I'm an expert and rationalizing it all away and pretending all is fine. But the truth is, i don't want to. That on one hand, you ask for me to take off that mask i wear, and on the other, turn a blind eye when i remove the mask.
But as the night wore on, as i was bombarded with a different set of problems and considerations, i felt a little better somehow. Coz end of the day, i know i have to fight my own battles. That even if you were around to hold my hand, i would still have to walk forward on my own eventually. Coz in our lifetime, many people walk in and out of our lives. Many people would leave footprints in our lives. Many people might walk a distance together along that same road called life. But how often, do you meet a person who would walk to the end of the road, head the same direction all the way? And i guess what was most important was that we shared a certain joy and we shared beautiful memories. That when we get to the end of the long journey, we look back fondly at the people that have walked into our lives, walked out of lives and made this journey called life a little more pleasant, a little more enjoyable and at times, a little more bearable.

Blue blue Monday (1)

Had a really rotten day today. Everything about the day seemed wrong. Nothing went the way i would have liked it to go. Maybe other then the morning. But from the minute i stepped into office, everything just took a slide downwards. And i got more upset and depressed with each passing minute in office. The meeting dragged on and issues were once again left unsettled. The same problems came up over and over again. And seriously, i don't have any answers to the questions that were asked. Then there was a individual meeting with Head Office and Kumar. The whole meeting was horrid. I hated being trapped in a room with them all. I felt like an avalanche was falling on me. Everywhere i moved, some arrow came shooting. Seemed like i was in a middle of a battlefield and there were a million arrows firing at me. No way i could have avoided them. I only remember at the end of the meeting where i made the comment that it really didn't matter if i had stayed on at HSBC. Coz end of the day, the company that i stayed on didn't trust me. I would have been better off if i had left with the rest of the team. Because, today, i was facing two groups of people who didn't quite trust me. If i leave to join Winnie's group now, there would be no trust left. And if i stayed on at HSBC, they would feel that i would eventually leave to join Winnie. So i guess i am in a lose lose situation here? How do i turn it around? Clueless.
Then there is another meeting tomorrow to settle the customer complaint. Sighz. Oh well, when tomorrow comes i suppose. Anyway, meeting dragged on and on, only managed to leave office at 8pm. By then, it was way too late for swimming. Was really quite upset already and missing training didn't make me feel any better. But i was looking forward to meeting the swimming peeps for dinner. Rushed home to shower and to change to T and shorts for dinner. After showering, Dad came home storming. He looked really pissed. Then Mum came shortly. Doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened. So while i was waiting to leave the house, they were arguing right in front of me. Sighz. For a moment, i wanted to tell them to grow up. Get a life. Stop fighting. Stop bickering. That there was a lot more in life then the constant fighting that i hear from the both of them. Dad stormed out of the house shortly and Mum just went on and on, re-telling the stories that i've heard countless of times. Dad asked me to join him for coffee, and i suppose i felt compelled to join him coz i honestly hate seeing him like this. So texted Dion to say i couldn't join them for dinner. Which was real disappointing.
Went for coffee with dad, let him vent his frustrations and anger. Heard the same things over and over again. Honestly, i'm tired of hearing the same stuff being repeated.
Quite sick of all the nonsense really. How difficult is it that after having no peace in office for the whole afternoon, that when i come home, all i want is some peace. Some chill time. And yet, it seems quite impossible in this house that i stay in. I wouldn't even call it a home. Coz a home is supposed to be warm. Supposed to feel like a haven. A shelter. But instead, i find myself going elsewhere to seek shelter.
Then after we finished chatting, Dad and I, while we were ready to leave, it started pouring. Rode my bike out, so had to wait for the rain to stop. I was tired, i was grumpy, i was emotional, and i wanted to come home, blog and crawl into bed. And yet, i sat there and stared at the pouring rain and while i stared at the water that swept into the drains, i wish i was like the water. Flowing, flowing. I suppose the only nice thing was the cooling ride back in the drizzling rain coz didn't want to wait any longer. It was a little cold and i'll probably regret it if i wake up with a cold in the morning. But it was a nice feeling. Riding in my T and shorts, slippers, for a split second i felt like i didn't have a care in the world. That i could bloody do whatever it was i wanted. For a moment there, i felt free.
So the conclusion was it was a damn crappy Monday. I can only wish Tuesday will turn out to be a much better day. Although from experience, a lousy start to the week would be followed by a lousy week in general. =(

記得

誰還記得　是誰先說永遠的愛我
以前的一句話　是我們以後的傷口
過了太久　沒人記得當初那些溫柔
我和你手牽手　說要一起走到最後
我們都忘了　這條路走了多久
心中是清楚的　有一天　有一天都會停的
讓時間說真話　雖然我也害怕
在天黑了以後　我們都不知道會不會有遺憾
誰還記得　是誰先說永遠的愛我
以前的一句話　是我們以後的傷口
過了太久　沒人記得當初那些溫柔
我和你手牽手　說要一起走到最後
我們都累了　卻沒辦法往回走
兩顆心都迷惑　怎麼說　怎麼說都沒有救
親愛的為什麼　也許你也不懂
兩個相愛的人　等對方先說找分開的理由
誰還記得愛情開始變化的時候
我和你的眼中　看見了不同的天空
走的太遠　終於走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我　要有兩個相反的夢
誰還記得　是誰先說永遠的愛我
以前的一句話　是我們以後的傷口
過了太久　沒人記得當初那些溫柔
我和你手牽手　說要一起走到最後
我和你手牽手　說要一起走到最後

人质- 张惠妹/ 我很好 - 劉若英

我和你啊存在一种危险关系
彼此挟持这另一部份的自己
本以为这完整了爱的定义
那就乖乖的守护着你
相爱变成猜忌怀疑的烂游戏
规则是要憋着呼吸越靠越近
但你的温柔是我唯一沉溺
你是爱我的就不怕有缝隙
在我心上用力的开一枪
让一切归零在这声巨响
如果爱是说什么都不能放
我不挣扎反正我也没差

人质在这一刻得到释放
相爱的纯粹落得如此下场
你满意吗我们都别说谎



沙发上睡着
孤单冷醒的破晓
冷的面条热的泪痕
啤酒在苦笑
当时的煎熬
当时的心痛如绞
天终于亮了
遗憾终于退潮
终于能够恨不再疯
泪不再掉心不跑
一定会有一个人
一段新的美好

谁让我拥抱
谁让我再一次心跳
就算爱情让我再次的跌倒
伤痕也要是一种骄傲
谁让我拥抱
谁让我疯狂的心跳
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒
丢掉电影票
删掉信件跟合照
洗了床单剪了头发
清空了烦恼
恨可以很小
小到眼泪能冲掉
我现在很好
可以重新起跑
终于能够恨不再疯
泪不再掉心不跑
一定会有一个人
一段新的美好

谁让我拥抱
谁让我再一次心跳
就算爱情让我再次的跌倒
伤痕也要是一种骄傲
谁让我拥抱
谁让我疯狂的心跳
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒

地铁涌出了人潮
幸福涌出了预兆
我会找回当初对爱天真的霸道

谁让我拥抱
谁让我再一次心跳
就算爱情让我再次的跌倒
伤痕也要是一种骄傲
谁让我拥抱
谁让我疯狂的心跳
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒
谁让我拥抱
谁让我疯狂的心跳
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒



I keep asking myself the same question over and over again. How and how can something so wrong feel so right? But if i work base on this logic, then the drug addict and glue sniffer feels the same way. Feels so right, yet is so wrong. But is loving someone really wrong? What are the boundaries? And if i have crossed them, can i really take a step back?

Random Thoughts over the weekend

As we grow older by the day, from our younger days of living on love and believing love works wonder and constantly feeling the need to feel in love, we start to age and as the aging process takes place, we begin to feel rather jaded and slowly losing the understanding of what love really is.
When I met Guardian years ago, I thought I found the one. In fact, I did for the longest of time. The feel is still the same but circumstances aren't. I started to not believe in life and what it can give anymore. I thought I could be irresponsible to myself and not care about things anymore. No matter what I did, I couldn't walk too far away nor ignore what others deem as harmful to me. I kept walking nearer and nearer to danger. Reluctant to get really hurt, I hide. Beneath the lively exterior, lies bags of tears waiting to be released.
In our life, we often do things that doesn't quite flush with our intentions and sometimes, we just play with fire till we burn our fingers. Good thing being, well, burning the tip of the fingernails. Things could have been worse but I'm not giving myself an easier time. I only have myself to blame all in the name of fun.
When i started out my relationship with Darling a couple of months ago, i never believed i would fall hopelessly in love. What started out as a single spark has now turned into the annual bonfire. And while i naively think that taking a step back would make things right again and make this world a more beautiful place, there is a part of me that can't bear to let go.
The soft spot I have for you doesn't seem to go away. I don't quite know if I ever want it or for myself to go away. By now, I should be furiously avoiding and retaliating, I am not. All I find myself doing is to accept what come may. Never have I felt so vulnerable, waiting for pain to invade. The refusal to believe that you may never be mine hasn't quite hit home. Being all alone believing in myself and of course, the belief to believe in you doesn't quite go down very well with everyone else. Most thinks I'm stupid and I should be shaken out of the daze. I think, have faith. God told me just have faith and he'll take care of everything. I trust that I will breeze through the blades without getting cut. I can only refuse to wake up and convince myself that I'm invincible. The tears aren't helping... All I want is for you to step into the picture you drew for me and complete it. Maybe I should just wake up from this dream or was it a nightmare?

Just another Saturday

I'm not even sure what's bugging me but i feel rather unsettled. =( I have lots to do and think about, but everything seems jumbled up in my head. Lots of pieces. Just like that of a jigsaw puzzle. And i am so so hopeless with those. Hmm... Well hopefully after a good night's sleep, i'll wake up with my mind more cleared and things will just fall into place. I guess one can hope can't they?

爱

你还记得吗记忆的炎夏
散落在风中的已蒸发
喧哗的都已沙哑

没结果的花未完成的牵挂
我们学会许多说法
来掩饰不碰的伤疤

因为我会想起你
我害怕面对自己
我的意志总被寂寞吞食

因为你总会提醒
过去总不会过去
有种真爱不是我的

假如我不曾爱你
我不会失去自己
想念的刺钉住我的位置

因为你总会提醒
尽管我得到世界
有些幸福不是我的

你还记得吗记忆的炎夏
我终于没选择的分岔
最后又有谁到达

Confused

It's been a long while since i've felt this way. I guess due to the fact that i've stayed away from this very transient feeling for a while now. I suppose when all is said and done, then i have shit loads of baggage that have not been off loaded.
Here's an interesting story i heard while watching tele the other day.

There once was 2 monks. One younger, one older. Both took a vow of celibacy. And in their monastery, they were taught that they could not interact with the opposite sex. One day, while walking by a river on their way to their destination, they met a young and beautiful lady. The lady wanted to cross the river but did not want to get herself wet. Thus, the old monk piggy-backed her across the river. He let her down on the other side of the river and the young monk and the old monk carried on their journey. After a considerable distance, the old monk asked the young monk what was on his mind as he seemed bothered. The young monk then said to the old monk, wasn't it in our teachings that we must not have physical contact with the opposite sex? Why did you carry the beautiful lady across the river? The old monk then said to the young monk, i put the lady down at the older side of the river. Why are you still carrying her?

Basically this story told, in chinese would give it greater meaning. In essence, the chinese words would be 'fang4 xia4' meaning put down. And i guess the story struck me as i feel that although i might have moved out of my relationship with Guardian physically, there were lots of things that i have not 'fang4 xia4'. Maybe the english idiom once bitten twice shy summarizes my feelings. My relationship with Guardian ended long long ago. Long before i even decided to end things last Novemeber. I think it ended that year on my 21st birthday. But for reasons only known to myself, i hung on. Maybe because i was afraid of being lonely. Maybe because i was too used to him being around. Maybe because he was my one and only boyfriend then and i didn't have the courage or didn't know any better to walk out and seek greener pastures.
When i did seek out greener pastures, he still stayed on in my heart. And each encounter with a new guy only made me feel worse about myself. It brought my self esteem crashing to the pits. It made me doubt myself and distrust myself and the cycle repeated itself over and over again until 8 years on, it had become the norm and i had also become the person i am today.
In my earlier post, i asked what is love? I guess at the back of my mind, i do have some feelings about love. I suppose i've always thought i would fall in love, my partner would also love me, and we would only have eyes for each other. We would eventually get married, have children, start our own family and love each other till the day we die. Idealistic? Maybe. But maybe, just maybe i've never quite believed in all of it. My psychiatrist would say that it was my parents fault as they spent much time fighting and arguing while i was growing up. And that left a huge imprint on my later years on how i viewed love and relationships. But i don't have a psychiatrist. So it could merely be that over the years, the accumulation of hurt and disappointments i had with Guardian had shaped me to be who i am today. Someone that doesn't quite believe that love is about giving. Sure, i know myself well enough to know that when i love, i can give my whole heart to that one person. But, here's the thing. Everything and everywhere i turn, i read love stories about love being giving. Love being selfless. Love being magical. Love being perfect. Love love love. So does that mean, if i am selfish in love, then that is not love? I so very much want to be selfish each time i'm dating someone and want to be his one and only. Want to be the only person he says i love you to. Want to be the person that occupies that special place in his head and heart. Want to walk down the road called life holding his hand and him holding mine. Want to hug him to sleep. Want to kiss him passionately. Want to share every little thing with him big or small. Want to be the only one he makes love to. Want to be the only want who satisfies him. Want him to be hungry for me and me only.
I have so many things that i want. But in wanting all these, i become selfish. And love is selfless. Not selfish. So does it mean i don't love the person? Does that mean that there is no true love between us?
I so very much want to look into his eyes and know that he adores me and cares and loves me. Look into his eyes, reach into his soul and know that he would give up the world for me. Hold his hand and know that he will walk on with me even when i'm old and sick. Know that when he hugs and kiss me, i am the only one in his heart and he does so even when i have nothing left to give him. And when i look into his eyes and realize that i'm not the only one, i'm hurt. Is that normal?
And yet i enjoy every minute that we have together. Yet i look forward to seeing him everyday. Every night, i linger a little while longer coz i can't bear to part with him and say our goodbyes. I wish i didn't have to. Every time this thought creeps into my head, i can rationalize it away. After all, i'm an expert at this. 12 years of rationalizing before i walked away. But, the question is this, can i keep rationalizing it away. And when i get upset one day coz i cannot rationalize it any longer, will i turn selfish and will things turn ugly? I truly appreciate all the things that he's done for me till date. I guess he has shown me nothing but patience and understanding in the last couple of months. He has gone out of his way to make me feel happy, to protect me, to make me feel loved through his actions and words. I know i don't want to put him in a spot. Which is why i do my best to be as understanding as possible. But even i don't trust myself. I really don't. I can't even tell you when i would one day want him to be mine and mine alone. And when i know that it is not possible, would love once again be the bitterest pill of all? Would i sit and weep and cry my eyes out, my lungs sore, my nose bruised and no one would answer my call? I don't know. Confused.....

What is Love?

Love once left me cold and gray
I had almost reached heaven
Just to feel it slip away
But life's too short to waste away
Being scared to take chances
Or so I've heard wise men say

I wanna be loved
Faithful and true
I wanna be loved
Ten million lifetimes with you
I wanna be loved
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take it's chances, just to be loved by you

I wanna feel there's a reason for living again
I want us to fly far away
And I want my heart to sing the words only you can understand
So put your hand in mine, say a prayer tonight
So that we may find love

This question has popped up in my head many times of late. I guess i have never been someone to chase something so transient. I've always been more of a proof speaks sort of person. So what exactly is love? How do you know it exists? How do you for 1 second know that what you feel for the other person is love and not just a crush, an infatuation. How do you know that your other half loves you?
There have been many theories about love throughout time. Some say better to have loved and lost. Some say, love makes the world go round. So many theories, but question is, who is right and who is wrong?
Someone once told me love was a really beautiful thing. Each day seems brighter, your mood seems happier, you brighten up much more. The world seems like a more beautiful place just coz you're in love. There seems to be nothing in the world that will seem like a problem for you and your loved one. With the combined effort and love, anything can be solved. If love was so beautiful, why do so many people get hurt in the process of love? Is it merely because it was not love to begin with? Then how do you know what, when, how love is?
In many ways, love revolves around a similar theory akin to religion. Faith. How do you know? I've asked the question a million times over while i was struggling with GOD. How do i know GOD exists? How do i know he's there? How do i know he's heard each and every prayer that i earnestly prayed last thing before i sleep and first thing i did in the morning? How did GOD know whether i attended church or not? How did he know if i tithed in church? How did he know whether i did a good deed today or schemed against someone? How? How? How? And if he exists, then why is there evil in the world? After all, GOD embodies everything that is good and great? If he allows evil, then does that make him evil as well?
For me, love runs along a parallel line to faith. People tell me you just know. But what if i told you, i didn't? I feel like i'm back in school all over again and when i asked a particular question, my teachers would tell me, oh.. you just know. Eh.. It's precisely because i didn't know that's why i asked. If i knew, i wouldn't need to ask right? So, my question is, how do you know that you're in love? Does the world stop spinning? Does time stand still?
Alright, i'm probably sounding really weird right now. I think the question that i want to really ask is, how do i know i'm in love with a person? Other then the fact that i want to see the person every day, every minute. Other then the fact that i enjoy his company really much. Other then the fact that i never get tired of seeing the same face over and over again. Other then the fact that i wish day and night that his face would be the last face i see before i sleep, his lips, the last i kiss before i head off to dreamland, and his face the first face i see in the morning when i open my eyes. How do i know? How can you be sure that that is love?
If love is meant to be a smooth sailing ride, then i guess ours is not a love at all. If love is meant to be painful, then why fall in love? Alright, hell lot of contradictions here. Is love meant to be contradictory? Maybe.. who knows? You tell me. What is love?

Monday is swimming day!!!!!11

Alright! I admit, its been a while since i hit the pools. Since i did any form of physical activity other then walk from the couch to the fridge and back. I jest! Anyway, it feels absolutely great that Monday is once again swimming day.
The whole day went about pretty well. Was actually rather apprehensive about going for swim training. And i was so close to chickening out at 6.30pm. I did spend a good 15 minutes weighing my options and i figured i couldn't run away from this. At some point, i would have to go back to train, unless of course i decide that i was ready to quit the sport. And i wasn't. Phew.... Got that one out of the way.
Today's workout was interesting. Many new faces. As permanent resident of lane 1, i stuck to my lane. But i noticed that with a little more training throughout this week and next, i should easily ease into lane 2 and get some drafting advantage which i sorely miss while swimming in lane 1. Reached pool late after the excessive dilemma. So, didn't get much warm up done. Warm up was only 100m, then 5*100m pull buoy and 13*100m freestyle with 15s rest interval. Didn't quite keep to the 15s rule coz it was based on the last person in the lane to touch the wall. And i touched the wall almost a full minute ahead of our last swimmer. So i had quite a bit of rest in between. After that, we decided to cut back rest time. But i still had the solid 15s rest before heading out. Only disadvantage is no chance to draft.
Some of the regular faces weren't around during training. Julzz and Yanglyn were both out of town, Teryn was working. Gary wasn't around as well. But a smaller group at dinner meant more opportunities to catch up and just chat normal non-tri stuff. Dinner attendance included Kenneth, Dion, Annie, Llyod, Eve, Ying, Myself, Li Ying and Bernard. One table today only. Li Ying, Bernard and Kenneth left earlier as usual, leaving the rest of us to chit chat. Attendance could be down due to the numerous races happening back to back this month and next. Some folks were also probably still resting after yesterday's race. Osim this weekend, PD the next. One week break before Desaru, Army Half, Aviva, Masters Swim, Night tri... etc
Anyway, only signed up for Army Half as of today. Keeping my sights on Masters swim, Standard Chartered at year end. Thinking really hard about ITU Hong Kong. And might get pressured to do Night tri. Really depends. Will see what happens in the following weeks, whether i pick up my training pace, whether my body tunes in quickly.
All in all, an excellent swimming session for me. Good because it was short distances to ease back into training. If it was one of those crazy workouts that involved 300s, i would be so dead. But 100s are just nice for me. Keep them short the way i like them. Plus i love using the pull buoy. All lazy swimmers love them. =)Will squeeze in a long swim tomorrow to clock mileage if the sun is bright and shiny in the morning. Other then the training program being superb for me, it was nice receiving an sms from Dion after dinner welcoming me back to the tri family. Gave me some really mushy stuff like they've missed my presence, missed me etc. Said they were all worried about me, worried that i might have burnt out, or been too traumatized after Sundown. I guess it was a little of both. But i suppose only i know the answer as to why i have been slack and have not attended trainings. Anyway, i'm damn glad Mondays are once again swimming days. Somehow, Mondays feel different without training and dinner and chit chat. And of course the company of great friends.
Heading to bed now. So can do secret training tomorrow. Nitez

Thoughts and feelings

It's amazing how when two people spend some time together, they tend to tune in to the same frequency at some point or other.
My lazy weekend saw me meeting up with my Darling for a short while. But i think it was a good meet up as there were issues at the back of both our minds. I'm not sure if it was the email story i sent him that got him to start thinking. But this issue had clearly been on my mind for a while now. Our relationship started out with us being friends. But even as friends, we didn't really get to know each other in depth or for a relatively long time before we plunged head in into a relationship. And as with many relationships that start out, we fell easily into the rhythm of meeting up almost every day, from once a day to twice a day because the nature of our jobs permitted it. We got caught up in the feeling of love and affection that spending a day away from each other got uncomfortable. I guess i can't speak for him. But i surely speak for myself when i said i got uneasy and uncomfortable knowing that i couldn't or wouldn't see him that day. And so, in order to accommodate his timing coz he's was less flexible, i started losing a little part of my own personal space and time. I guess when you're in love or when you're just starting out in a relationship, that is all fine and dandy. But i have always been a strong believer that for a relationship to be sustainable, both parties have to also have their own personal space and time, time with the family, time to do some of their own hobbies, time for their personal friends.
It was great that he brought up this topic and we could sit and talk about it. And i know at the back of my mind, although i would like to spend every living moment with him, in a strange way, i missed my trainings and my team mates. And i missed hitting the pool, taking my bike out for a hard heart pumping session, i missed putting on my running shoes and covering those miles. I felt uneasy that i was once again putting my life on hold. For a relationship to work, there needs to be a certain amount of compromise and sacrifices to be made. And for him, it would have to be probably less time then he would like with his friends, for me, probably less trainings unless i can religiously wake up earlier for training. But i'm sure it can all be worked out with a little effort from both parties.
But what is interesting is that we both had the same thought. I was just thinking to myself that to keep up the meeting everyday wasn't healthy and it was probably less sustainable in the long run. And he mentioned earlier that he had felt the same way although i didn't share my thoughts with him initially. I suppose it gives me a sense of warmth knowing that he also wants this relationship to work and for it to last. And that pleases me to a huge extent.
But our conversation met with a little kink midway. I suppose at the end of the day, because of my personality and because of the unique nature of our relationship, there will always be a part of me that fears him wanting out of this relationship for good and being insecure in the current arrangements. Which is why to me, being able to share something with him is important. I suppose in any given marriage, a couple shares virtually everything. Looking at the context of Singapore society, the average Singaporean shares their home, their bank account, not forgetting, when you become a parent, you share the children and yet the children are individuals in themselves. I know that just because you share a bank account doesn't equate to the person being your life partner. Or just because you shared a house, doesn't mean that you will stay married together for the rest of your life. But i guess given our unique relationship, there will be times when i feel like i'll never ever be a part of him. That we are merely two individuals who met in passing. That there will be a part of me that feels that there will never be anything that we can truly call ours.
Time that we have together is borrowed time. Nights that we hang out together are borrowed nights. I suppose when i say there will never be anything that we can truly call ours, i'm wrong. Coz if i look past the surface and bring it up a couple of levels, then i suppose the love that we share is the one thing that is truly ours. But yet again, this love is shared love. And so, i look for opportunities to share things with him even if they might seem really insignificant to others. Sharing a meal together, putting money together to buy something etc. I'm not even sure whether there should be any basis for the way i feel, but i'll sort it out soon enough. It's just that while he teases me at times about this small issues, i guess it's only because my mind is not wired the same way his is.
Anyway, not sure if i'll blog later. All depends on how i feel. Need to sort out the surrounding before the mind can find the peace and serenity to expand while at rest. Cheers

Random

Have not been posting anything of much significance or importance lately. Just loads of MTVs, some stories, poems etc. I guess it all boils down to the general direction that i want my blog to take. I've always viewed my blog as my private place to rant and rave, to share my innermost thoughts and my world with my close friends.
I look back at some of my older posts and entries, and feel that i had a little more flair for writing then. Maybe because i was more emotional then, and therefore my posts were filled with passion, sadness, or whatever it was that makes it emotional. But, of late, when i read my postings, they seem juvenile and lack the thought process that goes through with writing a brilliant piece. I guess what i'm saying is that my posts are no longer as interesting and that bugs me. Hmmmm..... Oh well, will think of what to do in the mean time. And probably only write when i have the inspiration.

Touching Story

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms


On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy..

I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said,

Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife.. But I couldn't help doing so.

I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.?

I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.


Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner.

I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body.

This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have gotten some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.


When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?


I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry..

She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her ! reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.


She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly,

Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.


On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded.

The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain.. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.


On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious! .

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You! got no fever.. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old.

So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

Another Personality Test

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

一眼瞬间

白茫茫的星光 灑在長長路上
想念的冰涼　你知道嗎
　　　
淺淺的微笑　深似海的眼光
突然掀起我　滔天的巨浪

妳相信嗎　這是命嗎
這次我們放棄抵抗
那怕擁抱 在身上　劃下深深的傷

只要看你一眼一瞬間　哪怕是最後畫面
我的世界　因為愛過而完美　誰都不該離太遠

只要看你一眼一瞬間　足夠我熬過千年
我不後悔　愛若讓末日提前
我們要一起　好好迎接那句點

如果相愛是錯
錯過又算什麼
這一次我們　抵死不放手
往彼此的心裡跳　跳到天荒地老

Cute Test

How Randomly Cute Is Your Personality?

Odd Cute Your just a bit odd, but its still cute. I would totally give you a hug.. but I don't trust strangers.

How do you compare? Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic

你那么爱他/退後

直到爱消失你才懂得
去珍惜身边每个每好风景
只是他早已离去
直到你相逢
他早已经不在对你留恋
最后的你
开始了一段挣扎
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
为什么不说心里话
你深爱他
这是每个人都知道啊
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
是不是你有深爱的两个他
所以你不想再让自己无法自拔



天空灰的像哭过
离开你以后
并没有更自由
酸酸的空气
守住我们的距离
一幕醉心的结局
像呼吸般无法停息
抽屉泛黄的日记
找到了回忆
那笑容是傻气
你我的过去
被深深真的忘记
缺氧过后的爱情
存心的眼泪是多余
我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给的承诺
全被时间扑了空
我知道我们都没有错
只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情会一定带去

我知道我们都没有错
只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情回忆里带去(待续)
(相信你我还会有开始
只因我们都没有错)

To love or be loved?

This is a multi-million dollar question that none of us will ever have the answer for. Undeniably, the best situation which promises the only happiness according to George Sand would be to love and be loved at the very same time. If given no choice, would you rather love somebody or to be loved?

The irony of life probably prevents you from choosing either because the perfect happiness is unrealisable. John Templeton once said - Happiness comes from giving, not getting. If we try hard to bring happiness to others, we cannot stop it from coming to us also. As a general rule, I wouldn't deny the truth in this sentence but when it applies to the minute portions of our lives, I start to wonder if we're actually happy to keep giving and not sense any form of appreciation. To be able to reciprocate with a higher level of gift, I believe there should be some sincerity and genuineness in the receiving end.

Is being loved the same as feeling wanted affectionately?

Eventually, happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. All I want is to be happy.

Meaningful lyrics

我怕来不及 我要抱着你
直到感觉你的皱纹 有了岁月的痕迹
直到肯定你是真的 直到失去力气
为了你 我愿意 动也不能动
也要看着你 直到感觉你的发线
有了白雪的痕迹 直到视线变得模糊
直到不能呼吸 让我们 形影不离
如果 全部世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你 值得我去珍惜
而你在这里 就是生命的奇迹
也许 全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意 失去你的消息
你掌心的志 我总记得在那里
我们好不容易 我们身不由已
我怕时间太快 不够将你看仔细
我怕时间太慢 日夜担心失去你
恨不得一夜之间白头 永不分离

Nightmare

I didn't blog last night before heading to bed coz was rather tired and had a throbbing headache. So decided that i would just head off to bed after taking two panadols. Let me give a brief overview of yesterday. Pretty average day, spend some time with Darling, had fun. As usual, he has been supportive and encouraging. And i thank GOD each day for his presence in my life.Other then that, nothing of significance happened. So will fastforward to today.
Went to bed at about 12.30 after checking email, checked to see if market was making any progress. Then decided i would go to bed early last night. But i had the weirdest weirdest nightmare while i was sleeping. I woke up rudely at 2am gripping my bolster. I was super freaked out and tossed and turned, calmed myself down before falling asleep. The same dream occurred again and the next time i woke, it was 7.15am. I know the times only coz i was looking at my watch and seriously, i was super duper freaked out by the dream.
The dream i had has got some parts that don't quite make sense. But i suppose dreams are usually like that right? But the gist of the dream was enough to freak me out big time and i woke this morning feeling really really lousy. I know that it's merely a dream and might not even have any meaning to it. But whoa... scary.
The dream starts out at a funeral. And the funny thing is, at the funeral, Kor wasn't there. Only Mum and I. Doesn't take a genius to figure out who's funeral it was. Then after going to the crematorium, the dream jumped to a room. It looked like a hotel room and there were two single beds. Mum took a bed and i took the other. Then for some queer reason, the hotel staff told us that they needed us to move to a room upstairs for 2 days. I was rather grumpy and irritated and asked why we couldn't just stay in the current room. But the hotel staff said must move. So we packed everything and waited for help to bring the stuff upstairs. While i was walking along the corridor, i met Darling. He was with a bunch of friends. All in all there were 6 of them plus me. He looked surprised to see me as i was him.
We chat for a while and he asked me where i was putting up and how i was. I remember we offered to settle our stuff and head downstairs to the hotel bar for a drink. Everything seemed really normal at this point. I know i shared with him how i felt about dad passing away. I know we probably weren't dating anymore in the dream coz he seemed rather distant and it seemed like we haven't met each other in a long time. I told him in the dream that i missed him dearly and i remember he said, he was out with his friends, so no hanky panky. And i said i understood. But i asked if he would like to come to my room upstairs before heading back to his room.
So we went back to the room with two single beds. I hugged him and tried to kiss him, but he rejected me. Told me to have an early night. Then i asked him how long he would be staying in the hotel, and he said one more night only coz he would be taking a road trip with his friends. I asked for the place and he gave me some address.
The next scene had me getting a taxi and wanting to go to the address that Darling had earlier gave me. I remember in the taxi, i was rather tired and wanted desperately to sleep. But somehow, i didn't feel comfortable enough to sleep. So i did my best to stay awake. But my eyelids were so heavy. We travelled well into the night and there was this stretch of road that was really really pitch dark. It was so dark that i remembered thinking that i better not fall asleep and keep myself awake so can help the taxi uncle watch the road. But it was impossible to see anything ahead. And i asked the taxi guy, are you sure we should be driving in this darkness? Maybe we should take a break. And he told me there was no place to rest and we must just push on if not we would never make it. It was finally day time and we were approaching a funfair/ carnival. He told me that we were pretty near our destination but he had to stop at the carnival to pick up something from his friend. Then he told me that the roller coaster was very fun. I found myself under the roller coaster and wanted to ride in it. The people on the roller coaster all looked very happy. But somehow, before i got to the front of the queue, the taxi uncle was back and said we had to hurry.
Somehow this time round back in the taxi, i was way too tired. But visiting the funfair sort of made me feel a little more relaxed and i told the uncle i was very tired and could no longer keep my eyes opened. I asked him how far more it was to the place that i wanted to go. And he reassured me that we were going to be there soon and asked why not i take a nap and he would wake me up when we arrived. I fell asleep after that. When i next woke, i was in a rather run down place and i was very scared. I opened my eyes and there was the taxi uncle in front of me leering at me. Somehow i knew what he wanted and i fought him as hard as i could. But he still managed to overpower me and i woke up the first time round at the point when he broke one of my arms and tied the two arms together. This was at 2am.
The 2nd dream was quite similar with some parts more refined. But it was a continuation of after my arm broke. Basically to cut to the chase, the uncle raped me and i was at that dirty deserted place for a week, everyday, he would come in only to use me, he didn't give me any food or water and after a week, i was begging him for water and food. And he gave me a contract to sign and said if i signed the contract, he would let me go. I signed the contract and he finally gave me some food and water. At that point, i remember asking him whether he picked me randomly, or did i offend him in the past. He said no, that he was given instructions by someone. I woke at the point where i saw Darling walk into the deserted place.
The feelings that i went through in the dream was so bloody real. And i absolutely freaked out. I couldn't sleep after that coz i didn't want to dream the same dream again. Twice in a night was more then enough.

Wacky Wednesday

What a weird an Wacky Wednesday it has been. Woke up, went to meet Darling. Then we go have breakfast together, then go bank drop cheque before heading back to rest a while. But didn't really get any rest. Then went to meet two of his friends. Then he had to go work liaoz. I also headed to work. Then supposed to meet Celine in town for coffee. Reached office at about 2ish, then went post office to pay for my long overdue road tax. It was cheaper then what the paper quoted. So was mighty happy that i paid less. =) Save some money.
Then after that, i went up to office to print some stuff, then submit some stuff. Talked to Genna for a while about GI stuff, and then realize i was going to be late to meet Celine. Then Celine said she had to rush for work after that and say why not we meet next week instead. So i also don't mind, since i still had things in office to do.
My hp beeped after a while, then i tot Celine changed her mind. But it was Guardian who sms me ask if i was in ofc. So i replied him and we met up for a while. Since after all, i was supposed to have appt, then think no harm meeting him up for coffee. We went to Kallang for coffee and had a long chat. I think he is so over me. And i think i am as well. But i feel that we still care about each other as friends. Ok. Maybe very important friends. Like best friends. But i know that there is nothing going on between us. As in for a long time now we've not crossed the boundaries of friendship. But he said his girlfriend was upset about my presence in his life. Eh.. like what presence. We sms each other like once every couple of months and sometimes when we're busy, we forget even. So what is there to be jealous about?
Anyway, after that it started to drizzle. So he sent me back home. We did more talking along the way. And i guess for a while, i sorta missed us. Not so much the fact the love we used to have for each other. But more the comfort of being around each other. I don't doubt the fact that at some point of time, we did love each other. But i think we're past that. The love has evolved to that of really great friends or even maybe like family. And anyway, he got nothing that he wants from me, he won't call me or sms me one. So i figured he might want something from me. But he didn't say when he dropped me off. Just said that we'll always be the best of friends no matter what happens.
Was supposed to meet Darling after that for dinner. Felt that i really wanted to be honest with him and also to let him know that there is nothing going on between Guardian and i anymore. That we're just friends. But like it made Darling a little sad. And that made me sad too. I guess sometimes, being honest doesn't quite pay. We didn't fight or anything. But could feel that he was quite affected. And i really didn't know how to console him. Then when we were about to head home, Guardian smsed me with what he wanted.
I guess that's the bad part about knowing a person too well. He said he wanted me to talk to his girlfriend and explain to her that there is nothing going on between us. It affected me a little. I guess i expected him to ask a favour from me. But i was upset that each time i have to be right. That he constantly gets me to help him out in each relationship. Hasn't he already figured out by now that any relationship takes work and that it has to come from him and not his ex. What a joke! Anyway, i felt a little irritated also coz the last time also like that. And each time, the new girlfriend just wants reassurance from me that he will not cheat on them. How the hell am i supposed to give them the reassurance when in our whole relationship i also never expect that he doesn't cheat on me?
Then they will try to find out if i still love him and care for him. And overnight they expect us to erase 12 years worth of memories and feelings. I cannot lor. I was pretty upfront with Darling last night. I told him i would be lying if i said i didn't feel anything for Guardian. I still care lots for him. Just that i am tired of the farce of a relationship that we are having. I am tired of him constantly changing his mind etc. So, why give myself this sort of headache and heartache. But i cannot look anyone in the eye and say without a shred of doubt that i no longer feel any thing for him. I have always been someone that values relationships and friendships a lot. So how can i say that? It would be a lie. Anyway, i know that i might have hurt Darling in the process. But i really don't know how to wipe 12 years of relationship off overnight. I probably need some time.
But i am in a dilemma. I also dun want Darling to be upset. I really really want him to be happy. I feel that he has put in so much effort to make me happy and the least i could do is do the same for him. Darling once asked me will i leave him and go back to my ex. But yesterday when i met Guardian then i realize that the answer is no. Coz when i see Guardian, i only see my failings and lots of disappointment. I care yes, but the disappointments far outweigh the love of any sort. As for Darling, i also feel that there is no future. But even in a realtionship that has no future, i feel safer and more secure with Darling. I guess the difference is between knowing someone will definitely leave you and fearing that the person might leave you. And that's the key difference between Guardian and Darling. Last night Darling said my life quite tough. =) Maybe ba. Only because i am constantly in love with the wrong guy. Once in a while, i think maybe also because of all the disappointments and failings, i have stopped believing that one day i will find someone who will truly love me and what to be with me. I have stopped believing that maybe one day some guy will really treasure me. Or that i might be good enough for the guy to value me. So, truth is, whatever happens happens.

The trip up

If there was a way to describe Tuesday, it would be described as the trip up. The day didn't start on a high note. After managing about 3 hours of sleep, i was in no position to think clearly. I still had no plan. I still didn't know what it was i was going to do. But i knew that i wouldn't want to regret any decisions that i made while i was half awake.
Woke up pretty early, wanted to finish watching the show that Darling recommended to me. Big Fish. My reviews of the show later. =) Anyway, almost made it to the end before meeting Darling for breaky. But when i saw him, my mind was thrown into confusion and my heart was in turmoil. Was i ready and willing to really give this all up? The little voice in my head was asking, can i just not be bothered and be selfish? But the other voice echoed to me that growing up and being matured is not just about taking the easy way out. But to deal with the tough things.
So, we sat there having breaky and i asked if our trip to Perth was confirmed. He saw right through me i think. He asked if i was having second thoughts about going. I guess people can really read me like an open book. Anyway, we didn't talk much during breaky. I really didn't have any appetite. Just ate a little, smoked my ciggie and drank my tea. Then after we walked back to the car, he asked me what i wanted to do. Or where i wanted to go. I said i wanted to go to his place.
I saw a moment of hesitation in his eyes. And it confused me. Coz he had mentioned previously twice that he wanted to invite me to his place. And yet when i finally brought it up, it seemed to be a tough decision for him. I guess when i asked him that, i can compare it to the feeling of being told i only had a month to live and i wanted to do everything with him before i moved on. I wanted us to have a whole collection of beautiful memories.
When we got to his place, it seemed that he had loosened up a bit and was a little more relaxed. He was all over the house, showing me his coin collection, his first day covers, his notes collections, his toy cars. He wanted to show me his toy pictures. For an instance, i saw the little boy in him run out. And if he was a child, he must have been a very kind and sharing little boy. Coz he seemed like he wanted to share the bits and pieces of his life with me. I made a statement when he couldn't find some pictures like, eh, you think next time no chance to show me meh? Or something to that effect. At that point of time, the thought running through my head was, will there be a next time or is this going to be the last?
Anyway, he had to go off to work after that. And my meeting had gotten cancelled once again, and so i decided that i should go home and finish watching the Big Fish movie coz there was still 25mins more to the ending. And i figured i could sneak a 15 min nap before heading out. But didn't in the end. I finished the show, and he called, and we talked. And talked. And talked. And i shared with him how i felt in the morning. I knew it would hurt him even if i didn't really end things with him. I knew that it wasn't fair to him. That maybe although i said i didn't mind being with him, there was a bit of me that was afraid that at the end of the day, it would not be him and his family that got hurt. That it would be me who got hurt with no one to turn to. But earlier on when he called, he shared a really great piece of news with me. And i figured the great news would cushion whatever i wanted to share with him. I told him the emotions that i went through and the thoughts that ran through my head. But i told him that ultimately, i really do love him.
Anyway, we chatted till he had to meet someone, and i asked if he would call after work. Was pretty tired actually, but didn't dare to fall asleep coz i knew if i slept, i might miss his call. So, i hung in there and he called and we chatted for another 10minutes before he hung up when he got home. I didn't expect to see him the rest of the evening.
Anyway, Dad came home, he looked really troubled, so went with daddy for kopi while Daddy ate dinner. We talked about really really serious stuff and i was dreading it more and more as the conversation progressed. Where in the world am i going to find 200k if i want things to work out as planned? Is it possible? Hmmm.. What can i do that is legal and still make 200k? Toughie...
Anyway, the serious conversation took longer then expected and i got back home late, changed and rush out to meet TG for dinner. Yup. TG was back in town after 3 odd months of us missing each other each time he was back, or work for him, or me, or training for me etc. We met up at our usual Jap place. It was a nice meeting coz we haven't seen each other in ages. Plus, it satisfied my craving for jap food. Plus, we had decent conversation. But i guess what was really really nice was that he said he was proud of me coz he feels that i've matured in the last couple of years. And especially so this year. That he feels like i've grown up a lot in the last couple of months.
After meeting him, i went back to meet up with Darling. It was obviously past his bedtime and he looked really tired. And my heart really went out to him. But i know he hung in there coz he wanted to go for the appt with me and help me close the case. =) I really thank GOD for bringing Darling to my life. We hung out for a short while after the appt ended, and i could feel that he was getting more and more tired. Finally we headed back home.
Today just went from not so good to an extremely fantastic day. Our(Darling and I) conversation in the afternoon really made me feel a lot better. Made me feel a little more confident of our relationship. And there was dinner with TG. The fact that we didn't meet very often, that we really lived in two different worlds, but we would always find common topics to chat about and dinner conversations are never dull. Then back home to close a case. And getting to see Darling again when i thought we wouldn't meet tonight. So.. on a scale of 1-10, i would say today was close to an 8.

Dear GOD, thank you for bringing Darling to my life. For showing me what love really is. For giving me another Guardian angel who showers me with lots of love and attention. Who is sensitive to my needs, my thoughts and my feelings. Lord, i thank you for making me feel like i'm important all over again. And for letting me feel more and more each day that i still have many things i have not accomplished, that i want to do more each day, that you have sent someone to teach me and tell me that i can accomplish great things and that i am worth more then i have ever felt i was worth. Thank you GOD. But please please Lord, let me enjoy what you have given me for long. Please make things between us work out and not take him away from me. Lord, thanks for bring him to my life to show me what is happiness. To wipe my tears away and draw a smile on my face again. Something that even i have missed while looking in the mirror. And of late, i find myself grinning to myself when i think of him. Lord, i promise to be good if you'll just allow him to stay in my life. In Jesus name i pray, Amen.

Great day. Sleepy with joy! =) Nitez

Growing up

Can't sleep so sat up in bed finally and decided to drop a note. Came home at about 12.30 after spending the night with Darling. It was nice. We hung out while he was doing his work. For a moment i could see myself doing this with him. Growing old. Enjoying each other's company. So all in all, Monday was not a blue day, but a fantastic day.
I now have to make a decision. I don't know how to make this decision coz there are so many variables. So many angles. It's a tough call. A hard decision to make. Maybe at the back of my mind, the decision has been made already. But i don't know to execute the plan. I have a vague idea. But the mind is willing, the heart is not.
Life throws us curveballs all the time. Maybe it's all part and parcel of growing up. i really dunno. Must be one of the hardest decision i have had to make all my life really. There really is no Right way. And i hate it when there is no Right way. Damn.