Filliae Melioris Aevi

You are in charge of your feelings, beliefs and actions.
And you teach others how to behave towards you.
While you cannot change other people, you can influence them through your own behaviour and actions.
By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others,
you create more of what you want in life.

The Eagle and the Wolf

There is a great battle that rages inside me
One side is the soaring eagle.
Everything that the eagle stands for is good and true
and beautiful, and it soars above the clouds.
Even though it dips down into the valley, it lays
its eggs on the mountain tops.
The other side of me is the howling wolf.
And that raging, howling wolf represents the
worst that's in me.
He eats upon my downfalls and justifies himself
by his presence in the pack.
Who wins the great battle?
THE ONE I FEED!

Work on the small issues first

This one line was shared to me by a close friend. For a couple of days, or rather for some weeks now, i've been bothered and frustrated with an issue. The issue hasn't changed all that much. Since i started blogging, there has been someone special in my life. Someone that i really care about and i feel is real special. And yet, in the 20mths that i've liked this man, i feel like our relationship hasn't progressed. And what is the problem here? Is it me or is it that this guy is merely not interested and not keen in me?
I guess over the past few weeks, i've been hearing words like calibration... expectation.. and finally out of sheer frustration, i felt like i needed to write him a letter to tell him just how i was feel about the whole issue. I was about to start and when i told myself, when i finished writing the letter, it would signify the beginning of the end. And yet, there was a lot of uncomfort.I could not do what i set out to do. THe days went by and i never completed the letter. I had the dear.... and that was it. Maybe i was at a lost of what to write also. And then, i could not bring myself to do something so drastic.
There is a simple reason why this is so. I was not ready to let go. I could not end things between us should i not get my answers. Two school of thoughs here. I've spent so much time on this. If i gave up now, i could either be wasting time or not. And i was unsure. So, being frustrated and unsure, i had to voice it out to a friend just what i wanted to do. So in the end, my friend told me the topic header. Work on the small issues that are within your control and did not need you to involve your emotions first.
And this week, i start searching for solutions that will allow me to do just so.

That street

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost....
I am hopeless. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend i don't see it.
I fall in again. I can't believe i'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in; it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where i am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Interesting weekend

I met a swinger couple over the weekend. And you can just use your imagination as to what happened. It was an experience really, but i know for sure that its not what interests me. Anyway, i've been doing lots of thinking this whole weekend. I met TG partying on friday night and the night was unique as it always is with him. Maybe in my own simple ways, i feel differently about TG already. And the realization came after the day out with Guardian.
Its funny how i know that its also over between Guardian and myself. And all that lay between us is 10yrs of familiarity and habit. And that out of habit and to seek comfort, i would find myself once again in a compromising situation with him. But yet, as we held hands and said goodbye, i could not help but feel a little emotion still trapped at the bottom of my heart. And i could not help but wonder, whether there would be even a remote chance that we would both fall in love once again?
Anyway, i've decided to stop playing with fire for a while. That day, Guardian asked me a question. Whose fire is bigger. And although based all the facts presented, his is the bigger fire, i know when it comes to matters of the heart, my flame will always burn stronger then most people. And i'm not willing to take the risk. And until i can once again say to him that its just an act with no emotions involved, i'm not jumping with my two feet in. As for Mr Big, lets just say, i think i deserve better then that. Haa

The past and the fantasy

Friday afternoon.

I was supposed to be out on Wednesday night having dinner. Supposed to mit the men to go drinking after dinner. And i received a call at 11 telling me not to turn up as someone in the group mention that having me ard was a pain in the butt and that i was irritating.

Confusion sets in. Why complain that i'm irritating when you just asked me out for dinner for tml nite?

Anyway, i had a beautiful day yesterday. Maybe at the back of my mind, i just loved to be pampered and loved. Or maybe at the back of my head, this is all i can accept. Guardian walked back into my life recently. We merely went out for coffee and a drive after he bought his new car. It was something that he has always wanted and i feel happy for him that he has managed to fulfill a little part of his dream.
He picked me up from home after his night shift work. And bought me breakfast and then we headed back to his place. Then he spent the day ferrying me around to meet my clients. And then we went off to the arcade to play while i waited for TG to sms me for dinner.
Finally TG smsed me and Guardian dropped me off. He of course didn't know i was mtg TG. All i said was i had a dinner appt, but promised him that i would have dinner with him again when i was done.
DInner with TG was a simple affair. I understood last night that TG is a men of expensive taste and likes the finer qualities of life. On top of that, TG likes a variety of stuff. As for Guardian, at the end of the day, he is still a simple man. He can move upward in life and yet stay simple. I guess that's the beauty of him.I asked TG about the comment he made, and he said it was harmless, just a passing statement. But it still hurt. And i guess throughout dinner, i wasn't sure exactly what or whom i wanted. TG seems such like a fantasy. Guardian is a past. So what is the present?
Anyway, i asked TG also whether he was interested in gg away together? And that if he was not interested, then i would not ask again. And without thinking, he said he was interested. Just that he could not give me a fixed timing and date. I am not sure where to move on from here.
Guardian picked me up after TG and i were done with dinner. There are times when the question still pops up in my head. WHere are we both heading with this relationship we have? And do i really still love him as much as i did before. Or is it merely out of habit now and convenience in a relationship? Guardian and i spent the night in each other's arms as he hugged me to sleep and told me how much he enjoyed my company. He sent me to work this morning and i stopped myself from asking the question that always pops up. When will i see you again....
I know he has his limitations. But i also know i do so want to go away with him. He said he wanted to go away to Malacca, or Desaru or anyway together. We've been through this conversation so many times, made so many plans and i know somehow, it never materialises. Maybe we are really not meant to be toge4ther in the long run.
But i went to see a tarot card reader and also a fortune teller. Both claim that i have a problematic love life and that i would have to go through a lot of trials and tribulations before i am finally with the man that i love. At the same time, the tarot card reader told me that something will develop between TG and myself. And that i would be hurt by him badly. Just as bad as i had been hurt by Guardian a long time back.
As for Guardian and i, they both claim that eventually we'll be back together. I shared this with Guardian. And he kept mum. Maybe at the back of my head, i always pick the relationships that are doomed to fail coz i'm still waiting for him. But honestly, the wonderful day we had, the beautiful times, they no longer pull at my heartstrings the way they used to. Now, i feel the warmth or being out with him, the comfort of holding his hand and him giving me hugs and kisses. But the kind of passion i had for him died a long time ago.

Who will you be Tomorrow?

WHO WILL YOU BE TOMORROW?
Steve Goodier
One man sat at a stop light. The woman in front of him was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she didn't go. A green light is not a suggestion, you know, it is more of a commandment. But she didn't notice. When the light turned red again, she still had not moved. The man in the car behind her now started screaming epithets and beating on his steering wheel.
A policeman tapped on his windshield. "You can't arrest me for hollering in my car," the man said. The cop asked for his license and registration, returned to his car, talked on the radio for a while, and finally handed the papers back. The driver protested, "I knew you couldn't cite me for yelling in my own car!"
The officer replied, "I didn't want to cite you for shouting in your car. But I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, 'That man is out of control. He's going to hurt someone!' Then I noticed the cross hanging from your rear view mirror, the bright yellow 'Love Is a Choice' license tag, the 'Give Peace a Chance' and 'Prayer Changes Things' bumper stickers, and I was sure you must have stolen the car."
His behavior did not reflect his bumper stickers. But let's not be too critical. Are we always the people we want to be?
We make changes by stretching. Personal transformation can happen when the person we presently are does not yet resemble the person we hope to be. Better to set high ideals and occasionally fall short than to settle for mediocrity and succeed.
The important question is not, "Who are you today?" It is better to ask, "Who will you be tomorrow?"

Remember: if nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein

The Phone Call

Today, i was in office when my hp rang. It was an overseas call and it was definately unfamiliar. But being the monkey that i was, i decided to pick it up. Well, actually i confess, i tot it was him calling, and so i picked it up. Imagine my shock when it was some girl, asking for me. First thought that ran through my mind was, who do i know? And she introduced herself, said she was his gf. And then panic hit me. Did something happen to him? Was he alright? And then, she started questioning me, asking me who i was, and how i was related to him. And i knew. This was the phone call that i had dreaded all along.
Funnily enough, i never expected that it would come from his gf. At the back of my mind, i always thought Guardian's wife would be the one that gave me the dreaded call. Maybe albeit the bochup attitude that i've come to adopt over the past few years, that since i'm single, i'm entitled to go out with and date anyone, i realised that deep down, i haven't changed. That somewhere beneath all the stuff i've thrown over the old me, its still lurking somewhere beneath.
I told her i was his buddy and brother. I so very much wanted to say, hey, i'm simply adore him and if you're stupid enough to give him up and if he would even give me a second look, i'll be more then willing to take your place. And yet, i knew i could not do it. Because, each time i talk to him, i hear his love for her.And each time i talk to him, i know that i don't even stand a chance to him. That sometimes, things are just not meant to be coz there is no chemistry. And for that, i respect that its what he wants and desires. And when you get what you want and desire, you will usually be happy. And i guess, bottom line is, i wanted him to be happy. So, i did the right thing, told her i was his buddy/brother and told her he loved her a lot. And i guess in a certain perverse way, that wasn't all that false. He does treat me like a buddy. Maybe the brother part is pushing it, more like sister. And i definately didn't lie when i said he loved her a lot.
And then, she started crying and said that she loves him dearly and that all she needed to know from the phone call was whether he was a decent man and whether he was lying to her. And i reassured her. And she cried even more. It tore my heart to hear the anguish in her voice. Coz i know i was there before. And so i said all the things that i would have said. About trying to work things out, calling him, trusting him, coz if she's there and he's here, then trust would feature greatly. And i apologized that my sms to him in the middle of the night started their fight. And i stood up for his character. And considering the short time i've known him, i guess that was a stretch. You know i suck at lying.
Anyway, she told me it was over. And started sobbing again. And when she finally stopped, she said thank you for listening and understanding and put down the phone.
Honestly, if you ask me, i felt miserable. I felt that somehow, my actions have caused a dear friend of mine his loss of happiness. And i know that i've moved away from Guardian already, but it made me think that i've become the very person that i didn't want to be. I never went near a man if i knew he was attached or dating someone. I'll probably keep two arms length away from him to avoid having a misunderstanding with his wife, And here i was, sleeping with the enemy. And giving myself silly and petty excuses as to why i do it. And then, i meet a really nice and charming friend, and within 3 weeks of knowing him, ruins his life long happiness with a woman he loves.
I smsed him to apologize. Of course being the sweet guy he was, he said it wasn't my fault. And that he was sorry. How could he be sorry to me when if i had kept my itchy fingers to myself, or had more self restraint, none of this fight would have occurred? We talked for a while coz he called, and i'm just glad he was fine. Coz she told me he left her in the morning and they parted ways. And i was worried i guess. Admist feeling bad about spoiling their relationship, i was truly worried about him. Coz i felt the trip must have meant a lot to him, especially since he flew off the next day after returning from a working trip. And because she meant so much, i really feel like i should try to help him win her back. Simply coz i feel that he is a special man. But what can i do? I feel quite at a loss really.
I just hope he is fine and that he is not too sad about the break up. Or that if things work out, they had a talk and she would try harder to bring happiness to him. But i guess i still feel bad.. only coz i remembered a phone conversation we had once. And he said if i really cared about someone, i would not want to put him in a spot. And it was those very words that made me decide with conviction that things between Guardian and i have been going on for way too long. And that i never want to hurt him by carrying our relationship coz in the end, both he and his wife would be hurt. And then, here i care about this man. And i have indirectly caused his hurt and pain. Oh well, guess i would just have sleep on it. And if he calls when he returns, then i know he has forgiven me and still accepts me as a friend.
Cheers

The men in my life?

I'm back. Guess the last post wasn't my last after all. Feels kinda weird not blogging. In fact, i actually miss blogging quite a bit. Maybe in some ways, blogging is cathartic? Who am i to dispute that?
Well, what spurred this on? I guess a series of events that set a ball rolling. A ball that i'm not even sure i have the strength to stop of even want to stop. Let's start with something that happened recently and move backwards.
I went on a date yesterday. An actual date, lunch, movie and all. And i guess in a way, it was quite a disappointment. You see, for so long now, i've been wanting to go watch a movie with Tour Guide. And surprisingly, i walked out of the movie not feeling anything. Not feeling any more special or less special. Not feeling like i was actually out on a date. Maybe somewhere deep down, my feelings for him have turned passive. Or maybe, somehow in the course of this journey, i've begun to view him as a buddy. I'm not even certain whether it was a sigh of relieve that i can finally move on, or maybe the numerous disappointments from him that have made my heart decide to let go and move on. Whichever the case, i know i will always have a soft spot for him and i guess, i never thought i'll care so deeply ever about another man. He made me see that it was possible.
That aside, two weeks back, i met another man. It was a rather explosive sort of relationship. Nah.. Not love at first sight. I wouldn't even call it lust. Maybe just two strangers, burdened with a feeling of falling out of love. But i must admit he was a sweet guy. If there was a way to describe my feelings when i was out with him, it was that of a little princess. Yup. You're going to say there i am once again in my fantasy world. But that was how he made me feel. In his own way, he made me feel safe, and for a moment i actually contemplated the fact that there could be more between us. And yet, i knew that as soon as i woke up from this dream, i would see it as it was. It was a dream... In my warped mind, i must say i feel a bond and closeness to him. Maybe coz its been ages since i've ever felt the need to share about Guardian to any of the men that i was with. I've always been able to put this wall up, put this front up and if things didn't work out, walk away knowing i have Guardian by my side. And yet, this person, came along, and i wanted to open up to him. Maybe it really is about timing. Maybe all these dreams i've been having, is m unconscious telling me that i need to be congruent soon or i'll lose my mind. Somehow, this one man evoke really strong feelings within me. There is this rational part of me that tells me that this man will hurt me deeply if i choose to open up myself to him. And yet, against my better judgement, i did.
So whats happening with this man and me? Well, truth be told, i'm half minded whether i want him to contact me again. He's gone off for work overseas. And he will return. A part of me wishes he will never call or sms me again. And then, i can choose to walk away, knowing that he was no different from any of the other men that i've dated. And there is a part of me that wishes he will call or sms and tell me things between him and his ex are over and that there was a possibility of things happening. Between the two, i'll choose the former. Coz i know he has the power to hurt me terribly. Unlike tour guide, i feel a sense of peace and security with him, and i know just how complicated and tough walking away would be.
He called me the pessimist. And truth be told, maybe i am. You know what i really would like to do? I would like to keep people away from my heart. coz i'm so scared of being hurt. One day, when i find my prince charming, i know i will not feel this way.
Then there is this issue of Guardian and me. For some reason, i can feel it slowly dying. We spoke the other day. And i know i don't want to be involved any longer. I want to be me. I want to do things, to go out and push those boundaries. To go ahead and release the walls the tower me when we broke off and started this illicit relationship 6 years ago. Maybe what i told him a long time ago is the truth. That i'm a free spirited person and cannot be caged up. For 10 years, i've been in this cage, and its time to walk out now the cage door is open. For years, i was so afraid. So scared that i'll not know where to go or what to do. And yet, a silent yearning me is asking, what was so bad about walking out. Don't you still want to see the world?
And funnily, i'm not sad about leaving. In fact, i'm rather excited. In the last two weeks, i think i've achieved more then i've achieved in the last 6 years. And i know that it could only have happened because i allowed it to. Because for once, i wanted to see what else i was capable of. I didn't want to be that someone who was looking in from the garden window. I want to be in that secret garden....

The journey and its ending

This is going to be my final post as i feel like i've finally reached the end of a journey. And i'm about to embark on a new journey and it does not involve blogging.
Thank you all my fans and friends who come here constantly to read about my life and always smsing me or calling me when ever you see me post a sad blog.

Remember the hero's journey? Some of you will know what i'm talking about, some of you dont. I met the wise man yesterday. And i'm about to embark on my journey because i finally know where i'm supposed to go. So this blogging will come to an end as i embark on my new journey.I now have a new destination.

Anyway, thanks for everything, everyone. Cheers

First Knocks

Someone once told me the first knocks in our lives are usually the most painful knocks. And its no wonder that after a couple of knocks, one tends to get numb or immue to them. Over the weekend, while i was busy spicing up my social and personal life, i came to certain revelations about a certain friend. Funny thing is, what would you do one day if you found your best friend or really good friend lied to you?
Should you feel sad? Hurt? Betrayed? Or should you just shrug your shoulders, accept that it happens, and move on? After all, isn't that what life is all about? Each time, something bad happens, i tell myself that i hope this would be all the lessons i'm taking from the school of hard knocks. But i've also come to realise that the lessons never end. The day it ends, would be the day i actually lie on my death bed, with my life flashing past me. But before that, i guess i just have to brace myself and carry on living.
The first knocks being the toughest, i can only look back and grin now that several days have gone by. I know i've grown up and am stronger coz i was quite unfazed by it. Or it could be merely that i'm a little numb to it all by now. Or it could really just be that i don't really care any longer. Or it could be that if i look deep within myself, i fib as well. Sometimes by adding details that are not there, sometimes by ommiting certain details and sometimes by just not sharing as well. So i guess if i fib as well, who am i to throw stones. Right?
Cheers

Heaven Knows - Rick Price

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's so far away
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holdin' on

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows

I believe in fairytales

Had a phone call from a friend last night. And she was upset, and i was doing my best to give her a listening ear. And it wasn't too tough coz for once, i was not distracted, and sat down and heard her out. And it felt good. Just listening to my friend, and being the best friend that i could be. And in the course of our conversation, we talked about loves and the people whom we love, the people who love us, but we don't love back. I brought up my prince charming theory. And i guess, when we finally put down the phone, i realised that no matter how cynical i claim to be, or how hurt or how much i never want to be with a man again, i still believe in fairytales. And that means, that somewhere out there, is a prince charming that i've yet to meet. And as long as i continue being good, i'm fine!
Alright, i confess, i did spend the day watching disney cartoons. And i guess what inherently drives all these cartoons is that Good always triumphs over EVIL. Somehow, i wish that could be said about the real world. But all that aside, sometimes, it merely takes a little more belief. The world is a beautiful place no matter how you look at it. Sometimes, grownups like myself forget the fairytale world, where they teach us to be nice to our friends, to work together, to live happily together and ever after. And after a while, when we forget this mantra, the world becomes an ugly place coz people no longer are nice. Deep down inside, they still are. Its just that over the years, they've sort of forgotten?
Maybe i'm just being naive here. Then again, that's just me and how i cope with a world that are full of things that i can barely comprehend. But the most important lesson hit me last night while i was watching tele. If you love someone, set them free. Reminds me of rick price's song, heaven knows. And at the same time, i am reminded that there was a time where this concept was strong in my head. At 17, i told Guardian, well, if you love that girl, go. I'll be happy for you. But somehow along the way, i became possesive and demanding, and i guess over the years, i haven't changed. Now i want to be the bigger person i was. Not in size. But in heart. And although i might not be extremely happy right from the start, as long as i keep those brownie points coming in, i'll be fine!

If we all onlly had 3 loves of our lives, i am out of the game

Alright. For the longest of time, i believed in fairytales. I mean, which child didn't right? And so for the fact that i really believed in fairytales, i also believed in the one true love of my life, sweeping me off my feet. If i'm not wrong, i did post something about cinderella and snow white theory before. Anyway, that aside, i guess in the weirdest of ways, i really wanted to believe that fairytales do exist. And like every naive little child, i wanted to be the princess in the fairytales. And if i couldn't be the princess in the fairytales, at least allow me to be the princess of my own fairytale.
And so, for a long time, i was allowed to be the princess of my little fairytale. As long as i didn't step out into the real world where other girls were also princesses of their own fairytale. I guess maybe that's why i never read a book with snow white and cinderella in it together. Because, that would have confused me as a child. They were after all, all waiting for 1 prince charming to arrive. And if all of them got their prince charming, and there was only 1 right, then how could all these woman be happy?
And so, as i grew up, stupid, naive and ignorant, i did eventually fall in love with a man. But that was not before i fell in love with a woman. Of course fairytales don't condone lesbianism. But really, how was i to know? I was young and naive, and all i could think about was being in love, having a companion, and wanting the person i loved to be truly happy. And so, when the woman thing didn't work out, coz she wasn't into lesbianism as well... Then i fell head over heels in love with the one man that i thought would be my prince charming.
We led 5 happy years together, happy as can be, and i guess i really believed in fairytales. And i was blissful that i was able to be just the princess in my own fairytale. It didn't matter what other women in the world were fighting about, i just knew as with all fairytales, that the odds would be against us, and yet, at the end of the day, we'll overcome the obstacles and we would live happily ever after!
Alas, that was not the case. And into the wind my 1st prince charming left. And i went back to flip the books again, and i realised, that well, genies give 3 wishes right? So, i should be given 3 chances to find my prince charming. And so with my little fairytale slightly dented but yet still full of eager hope, i embraced life and met the challenges it dished out to me. And then i met a lot of noble man along the way trying to pass off as my prince charming, but, i always had the eye for the prince. After all, i was the princess.
So one day, as with all fairy tales, i met prince charming again. Not the same prince charming, but a different one. And this prince charming was different from the last prince charming. And so, we had a couple months of blissful relationship, only to realise that actually, this was just a nobleman in disguise. And so, i guess i didn't use up my 3rd chance at love. And finally, after a long break, i met Prince Charming.
He really was a charming person, endearing in every way. And i was so convinced that this time round, this would be the one. But i guess the sad fact was, i never realised that in the fairytales, prince charming was also looking out for his perfect princess. And as much as i was looking out for the prince charming in my own world, i might not be the princess in prince charming's world. But i hoped and i prayed everyday that one day, prince charming would see me as the princess of his world. And no it didn't work out that way either.
And so.. if i had 3 wishes that the genie gave me to find the 1 true love or prince charming in my life, then i guess if you count the woman, then i've used it all up. So does it mean that i have no more shot in this fairytale anymore? Does it mean that i now have to settle for being just ordinary old me, and let my fairytales fade into the background? Is that how adults eventually lose their faith and hope in this world, and end up old, wrinkled and cynical? I really hope not. After all, i'm sure, i just haven't read a book where the genie gives me more then 3 wishes. Or that cinderella/snow white met many prince charmings and had to go through hell and back before they got together the prince charming that they chose to spend their lives with. But when all is said and done, if there isn't a book out there, then by golly, i'll be writing a book pretty soon. Just figuring the details of how to add the topic of lesbianism and delusion into a simple children's fairytale! Cheers

What exactly is LOVE

I'm not sure if i have posted something like this before. But what the heck. Maybe my views have changed a little since the last time i've posted. And maybe not. But for what it's worth, what the heck. I'll post something that i've been asking myself for the longest of time. What exactly is love. And when and how do you know that you are in love. And does love actually have a defining form? Like how do you know you are in love. Is it the butterflies in your stomach? Is there a tune that goes on in your head? A picture that is being painted in one's mind?
And how big is the gap when one is in love? Does it matter if the person is younger then you? Older then you? By a year, 5 yrs, 20 yrs? What does it matter? And at which point do you know its not love for a platonic friend but something much much more?
And does gender really matter? When it boils down to love, does it really matter whether its a guy or a gal? Does it really matter that sometimes, people don't conform to society's expectation? Take for example, a 20 plus year old person dating a 60 yr old man. Would that conform to society's expectation? Age gap too wide? Not natural? Then how about a girl-girl or boy-boy relationship? Lack of any age gap, but still equally unacceptable by society's standards. Now what would be acceptable? And when it boils down to it all, can a person really separate all the feelings into categories or friend, lover, potential marriage partner, buddy, just girl friend, just boy friend, stead boyfriend, steady girlfriend, and the endless other streams of categories they have in this time and age.
Forgive me for being naive here, but isn't it all just too complicated to make of this one simple feeling and process? I mean after all, isn't love just meant to be love? Companionship with a person. Being totally comfortable, being your true self with no fear of judgement? Endless conversations, or just comfortable silence? Just hanging out and chilling out and spending time together not worrying about anything, or worrying about things together? Then how is this different from being a best friend to someone? How is this different from secondary school where our best friends were the people who offered us companionship after school and at home via the phone, through endless conversations, or even just hanging on to the phone and not talking with comfortable silence? And one can screw up one's life totally and not have any fear of repercussions of a best friend judging you, or looking at you with tinted glasses from that day forth.
You know, this isn't easy for me. I've struggled with it for so many years now, and the age old question still bothers me. Maybe it doesn't bother me. Maybe over the years, i've never quite changed my stance about love. I still believe that all you have to do is to be comfortable and happy. And it really didn't matter who you were dating and who you were comfortable with and not comfortable with. But then how do you know its not a crush and that it is really love?

The clock cannot be turned back

It funny how i like to sit and ponder and wonder how it would be if i could turn back time. But the truth of the matter is that i can't. And i can only make the best of the present.
I thought about our friendship and how it had developed over the last few years. Or rather, how it has degenerated. And i was glad we had the talk that we did in the car. But over the last few weeks, somethng dawned on me. And maybe it was your unique way of teaching me a lesson or rather your unique way of showing me somethng. I realised only just how futile was my attempts to change TG's impression of me.
Maybe it was just like you. You could never change your impression of me, as when i first knew you, i was still a girl in her teens. And i wanted so much to share whatever it was that i had with you. I wanted to share your life, your ideals, and for us to have our own companionship. But i guess you were against it so much then. And i was so confused by your actions. It took me 10 years to get an answer. And i'm glad i did. For your answer has led me to realise just how difficult it would be for TG and i to ever get together.
You showed me that ideals and ideas do change over the years. But the fact is, i was always the impatient one and had no time to wait for you to change your mind about the relationship that we were having. More importantly, at that point of time, i was merely a student to you. And i could never hope for my status to be elevated to that of a friend, or a partner. And the clock ticked, and time went by. I was in college by then. I still did all i could within my means to make you happy coz u were the most important person to me then. And yet, there was one bridge that i could not cross. And finally, i found someone else to replace the affections.
Time has been cruel to us. Or maybe, it was just the fact that we were both proud creatures, unwilling to be the first to make a move or compromise. And our friendship became water under the bridge. But i knew how much it hurt me. And never did i realise how much it hurt u. And when we finally talked, i realise just how much hurt one can cause to the person that we treasure so much.
I'm glad we're friends all over again. Sharing something that is so precious and beautiful. But the truth is we can never turn back the clock. And maybe with this regard, i will meet future challenges. And also i will know that TG and i were never meant to be in the first place. I would know that all we had was a dream of one person who loved dearly. And the other person was merely trying it out. Obviously not hard enough. But then again, maybe it was the wrong time. And for that, i can only wish that at some point of time, it would be the right time with the right person. For now, i am truly thankful for that one more chance to work things out between us. I really really love you lots.

The world seems rite again

Ever felt like sometimes all it takes is something in your life to be right and everything feels right in the world again? Well, today is one of those days. For the longest of time, i wanted to sort out our relationship. Or rather our friendship. I wanted to know the real reason why we drifted apart. Was it cos i didn't meet the expectations? Was it coz somehow, i failed? Or was it coz all the while, i was just a selfish brat.
Today, i found out the answer. It was kinda a silly scene. We both sat in the car, and i really am not sure who teared first. But the first tear came rolling down, and the dams opened. It was like i was 17 all over again. It was cute at the least, we trashed things out. And finally, i really believe we can be as close as we once were. I know for a fact that we'll never be right for each other. Only because we don't have that feel between us. And yet, all it takes for me to know that the world is right again is that no matter what happens, i have our friendship to hold on to.

"I must be strong"

"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

Stand up for yourself... and me.
Be confident, strong, and direct.
Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
Give me space to be alone.
Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Eight
being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Eight
overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
putting too much pressure on myself
getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Eights as Children Often
are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
are sometimes loners
seize control so they won't be controlled
fugure out others' weaknesses
attack verbally or physically when provoked
take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Eights as Parents
are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
are sometimes overprotective
can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

The good side and the bad side

Is it a sad fact of life that people in general only remember the bad things that you do and fail to notice the 10 million other good things that you do for them? Is that how humankind is? That you can do 9 good deeds, screw up once and they only remember you for that one bad deed that you did.

Some day, my grave is going to read, here lies the one that did no good and was bad in every sense.

Today, i realise that life is kinda sad. That people aren't what they seem. And friendships don't last a lifetime. Too many hard lessons to learn in a day. But all in all, better late then never. Maybe finally, i out grew peter pan and tinkerbell. Maybe finally, i'm beginning to realise that it takes more then a dream and a fantasy to make things happen. And maybe, just maybe, i'm beginning to finally get the hang of, it takes two hands to clap, and that when you are both truly in love, then you will find that both parties are fair and not demanding.

And maybe, just maybe, i'm beginning to realise that i'll always be the bad one as long as the person doesn't choose to see the good in me. And that at the end of the day, whatever shit hits the fan, life still goes on, hours still pass and the minute hand doesn't stop. Herein lies the death of one silly monkey

What is the value of friendship?

I've not been bloggin for some time. Maybe its coz i've been terribly busy. Or maybe it's merely that i don't really have the mood to blog. Or maybe its just one of those trasitional stages of my life where i find that there is nothing new to update or nothing interesting to write about.

I just got back from Hong Kong a week ago. It was fun on the whole. I mean which free trip isn't fun. But i guess i didn't do as much this time round as i would have liked to. It didn't feel really as fantastic as my last trip back up. Maybe because this time round, both cousins are attached and we only managed to meet up to party once before i left. Or maybe things between TG and myself felt more dull this time round. I bunked over at his hotel for two nights. Before i go into the nitty gritty details, i must say that the Four Seasons Place has a fantastic view. I guess that's why it costs so much just to stay for a night.



Anyway, we did spend some time chatting and catching up. And although sex wasn't as good as it could have been, i guess its partially due to me. I wasn't quite in a mood to do anything. Maybe just cuddling and sleeping would have been perfect. But i realise that we're not a couple, and therefore, the above just doesn't feel right anymore. It was kinda sad. Sometimes i feel, between us, there is just too many words that are unsaid. And yet at times, its the one question too many scenario. And maybe its the internal battle that i feel i am constantly fighting.. That i feel all weird.

Being with him is special. And yet, i guess that gap between us is just too wide. Its like trying to put a jew and Hitler together. I guess that's the best analogy i can come up with. And its sad. Things just aren't working out as they should be.

There are some promises that one makes to oneself. And it takes a lot to keep to them. And try as i might, i cannot seem to do it. I guess someone would tell me, coz u are only trying and u are not making it a must.

Today, i tot of something, just what is the value of friendship? Can 2 friends sleep with each other, walk away and still be friends? Many a times, i think of my relationship with the people around me and i get reminded of Carrie in Sex in the City. Like Carrie, i seem to be perpetually poor and although i seem to be outspoken and intelligent on the outside with great views, and people want to hang out with me, my relationship with friends and men aren't all that great.

Thinking about TG and myself, i get reminded of Carrie and Mr Big. There is so many similarities, and yet at the same time, i guess it's not the same. Do friends really stay angry with each other? And do they really get upset over petty issues? Sometimes, i find that it is hard to understand a person. Just what does a person want? If it was a normal friend, i'll say fuck it and move on. But when it is someone that i treasure a lot, how then can u say fuck it? And exactly how long is the cooling off period where you do not talk to each other? And how long before you can call and pretend nothing happened? And how long before the other party caves and gives in and you are friends all over again. Sometimes, i miss being young again. Where friendship was as simple as just sharing a drink or hanging out together after school. Did we really stay angry with our friends for long back then?

As i ponder about the value of a particular friendship, i turn my thoughts to just how far does a friend go to ensure that the friendship is smooth sailing? And at the same time, is someone who chooses to ignore me, actually worth my friendship and all that trouble? Am i merely a fair weathered friend, or is my friend the one who is fair weathered? So many questions, so many sides to a once so simple ideal. Have i finally lost it?