Am i stuck in the poor man's paradox?
What is it? Stay tuned for more! Haha
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Nudge The Balance - Author Unknown
A 91-year-old woman died after living a very long dignified
life. When she met God, she asked Him something that had really
bothered her for a very long time. "If Man was created in
God's image, and if all men are created equal, why do people treat
each other so badly?"
God replied that each person who enters our life has a unique
lesson to teach us. It is only through these lessons that we
learn about life, people and our relationships with God.
This confused the woman, so God began to explain:
"When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not
always what they seem. The truth is often far beneath the
surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know
what is in their hearts. Remove your own masks to let people
know who you really are.
When someone steals from you it teaches you that nothing is
forever. Always appreciate what you have. You never know when
you might lose it. Never take your friends or family for
granted, because today and sometimes only this very moment is
the only guarantee you may have.
When someone inflicts injury upon you, it teaches you that the
human state is a very fragile one. Protect and take care of
your body as best as you can, it's the one thing that you are
sure to have forever.
When someone mocks you, it teaches you that no two people are
alike. When you encounter people who are different from you, do
not judge them by how they look or act, instead base it on the
contents of what is in their hearts.
When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving
someone does not always mean that the person will love you
back. But don't turn your back on love, because when you find
the right person, the joy that one person brings you will make
up for all of your past hurts. Times a thousand fold.
When someone holds a grudge against you, it teaches you that
everyone makes mistakes. When you are wronged, the most
virtuous thing you can do is forgive the offender without
pretense. Forgiving those who have hurt us is often the most
difficult and painful of life's experiences, but it is also the
most courageous thing a person can do.
When a loved one is unfaithful to you, it teaches you that
resisting temptation is Man's greatest challenge. Be vigilant
in your resistance against all temptations. By doing so, you
will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far
greater than the temporary pleasure by which you were tempted.
When someone cheats you, it teaches you that greed is the root
of all evil. Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter
how lofty they may be. Do not feel guilty about your success,
but never let an obsession with achieving your goals lead you to
engage in malevolent activities.
When someone ridicules you, it teaches you that nobody is
perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of
their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over
which they have no control."
Upon hearing the Lord's wisdom, the old woman became concerned
that there are no lessons to be learned from man's good deeds.
God replied that Man's capacity to love is the greatest gift He
has. At the root of kindness and love, and each act of love
also teaches us a lesson.
The woman's curiosity deepened.
God, once again began to explain:
"When someone loves us, it teaches us love, kindness, charity,
honesty, humility, forgiveness, acceptance, and all of these can
counteract all the evil in the world. For every good deed,
there is one evil deed. Man alone has the power to control the
balance between good and evil, but because the lessons of love
are not taught often enough, the power is too often abused.
When you enter someone's life, whether by plan, chance or
coincidence, consider what your lesson will be. Will you teach
love or a harsh lesson of reality? When you die, will your life
more pain? More joy or more sadness? Each one of us has the
power over the balance of the love in the world.
Use it wisely!"
Don't miss an opportunity to nudge the world's scale in the
right direction!
Pass this lesson of love on to those you love and those you have
hurt, and those that have hurt you, hopefully with each person
that receives this, there will be far less evil and a great deal
more love!
Author Unknown
Sick still =(
Went to visit the doc again coz i was struggling with the coughing. Didn't know coughing can be so tiring. Plus the fact that i hardly get to sleep a couple of hours before the urge to cough and try to clear the phlegm gets so overwhelming that i'm up again. Sigh.
Doc says i have acute bronchitis. So will take about 3-4 weeks to get well. Sighz... Am pretty tired of being sick really. But i suppose its one of those rare things you get in life. So i can only hope it's a one off and i won't be sick for the rest of the year already. Being sick is sure no fun. And now i'm thinking about how i'm going to be training for anything if this keeps up.
Yesterday was a mix of feelings really. I have no idea why i'm feeling the way i am. But i can only try to understand that i really do feel a little torn and mixed up. I've got a pretty good idea where i want to head to. Just not really sure how to get there. I tell myself that with careful planning and careful calculations, i will eventually get there. Hopefully i'm right. =)
Went for breaky with Baby this morning. Spent some time chatting which was nice. I really think i'm not cut out for relationships. But i don't want to dwell on it right now. As of this second, i can only think of the 1 million things that i have not done. Faint.. I need to start clearing my to-do list faster then i can add to them....
Doc says i have acute bronchitis. So will take about 3-4 weeks to get well. Sighz... Am pretty tired of being sick really. But i suppose its one of those rare things you get in life. So i can only hope it's a one off and i won't be sick for the rest of the year already. Being sick is sure no fun. And now i'm thinking about how i'm going to be training for anything if this keeps up.
Yesterday was a mix of feelings really. I have no idea why i'm feeling the way i am. But i can only try to understand that i really do feel a little torn and mixed up. I've got a pretty good idea where i want to head to. Just not really sure how to get there. I tell myself that with careful planning and careful calculations, i will eventually get there. Hopefully i'm right. =)
Went for breaky with Baby this morning. Spent some time chatting which was nice. I really think i'm not cut out for relationships. But i don't want to dwell on it right now. As of this second, i can only think of the 1 million things that i have not done. Faint.. I need to start clearing my to-do list faster then i can add to them....
Monday, January 05, 2009
7 pounds
Watched 7 pounds earlier in the evening. Was a pretty decent show. I've hardly been disappointed by Will Smith's shows before. But honestly, after watching the Pursuit of Happyness, this show paled in comparison. Anyway, its a decent watch if you are content to be kept guessing and wondering what the whole damn show was about for about 3/4 of the movie. It could be partly due to the fact that i missed the start of the show. But i doubt it.
Shall not divulge too much of the show in case one of you reading this has not caught the show. But towards the end of the show, i thought it was a rather thought provoking show. Ok.. Forget about the fact that i was trying to figure out what the damn show was about for the first one and a half hour or so. But subsequently, it got me thinking.
Some thoughts that came out were how blessed we were. Who gets to decide on our own fate? And a whole lot of other stuff. All the introspective stuff you can imagine thinking of. Oh well, i'm off to bed now. Want to get well. So tired of being sick!
Nitez you all!
Shall not divulge too much of the show in case one of you reading this has not caught the show. But towards the end of the show, i thought it was a rather thought provoking show. Ok.. Forget about the fact that i was trying to figure out what the damn show was about for the first one and a half hour or so. But subsequently, it got me thinking.
Some thoughts that came out were how blessed we were. Who gets to decide on our own fate? And a whole lot of other stuff. All the introspective stuff you can imagine thinking of. Oh well, i'm off to bed now. Want to get well. So tired of being sick!
Nitez you all!
Sunday, January 04, 2009
The first weekend of 2009
If the last couple of days is an indication of how the rest of 2009 is going to be like, then can 2010 come by quickly please?
The cough has gotten worse. The flu is back in full force. Am i glad that the fever is gone. Anyway, had a not so good saturday. Started the day nice i suppose. Was chatting with baby early in the morning. Although, somewhere along the way, he said something that i felt was a little uncalled for. Anyway, i texted him to tell him what i felt. And since he didn't reply, i also didn't see a need to dwell deeper in the issue. Racing was alright i suppose. Felt a little touched that quite a lot of people noticed i wasn't around on the 1st. And showed their concern with regards to am i feeling better? Have i seen a doctor? Haha...
Alright, after racing, went to the dinner that i really didn't feel like going for. But what to do... Sigh... And the groom got drunk. But i suppose it was good he got drunk, coz if he didn't, i would never have known that superman did know about what happened between us. And i finally found out last night that he did know. I don't know whether it's a weight off my mind that he knows or i feel worse off. Pretty dramatic night for sick old me.
Came home after we all had a really really long talk. Crashed.
Funny, but considering my want for attention the last couple of days, i'm actually starting to feel a little, leave me alone sorta thing. Kinda weird and extreme really. But i hate the damn cough and am praying each day that i get better...
Anyway, nothing interesting about the weekend. 2009 has been crap thus far.. when is it going to look up?
The cough has gotten worse. The flu is back in full force. Am i glad that the fever is gone. Anyway, had a not so good saturday. Started the day nice i suppose. Was chatting with baby early in the morning. Although, somewhere along the way, he said something that i felt was a little uncalled for. Anyway, i texted him to tell him what i felt. And since he didn't reply, i also didn't see a need to dwell deeper in the issue. Racing was alright i suppose. Felt a little touched that quite a lot of people noticed i wasn't around on the 1st. And showed their concern with regards to am i feeling better? Have i seen a doctor? Haha...
Alright, after racing, went to the dinner that i really didn't feel like going for. But what to do... Sigh... And the groom got drunk. But i suppose it was good he got drunk, coz if he didn't, i would never have known that superman did know about what happened between us. And i finally found out last night that he did know. I don't know whether it's a weight off my mind that he knows or i feel worse off. Pretty dramatic night for sick old me.
Came home after we all had a really really long talk. Crashed.
Funny, but considering my want for attention the last couple of days, i'm actually starting to feel a little, leave me alone sorta thing. Kinda weird and extreme really. But i hate the damn cough and am praying each day that i get better...
Anyway, nothing interesting about the weekend. 2009 has been crap thus far.. when is it going to look up?
Friday, January 02, 2009
2nd Day of the new Year
Was feeling super grouchy and gloomy when i woke up. With the coughing and fluing, haven't really been sleeping well. Sleep is mostly interrupted with bouts of cough and waking up trying desperately to breathe properly.
Didn't help that i wanted very much to see him, but he was not free. Or didn't seem to want to make the time. Anyhow, i felt better when Guardian and I were smsing each other. It was just one of those random, how is everything smses. But i felt better, and he sure knows how to cheer me up when i'm all gloomy and down. =)
Kinda silly but he sent me hugs over sms and told me i cannot be a grouchy bear. Haha... Ok, plus he promise to buy me a present after i recover. Actually it wasn't so much the present. Maybe it was the hug that he sms me. Just knowing someone cares when i'm feeling gloomy makes me feel so much better.
Met Jaja for brunch. She's sick too. Haha.. Two people coughing away over bruch. Pitied the couple sitting next to us. But it's good to know things are looking up for her and things have been well. I guess sometimes in life, we just really need to give ourselves a chance.
Anyway, spent the rest of the afternoon in bed reading and pondering about what my new year resolutions were going to be. Still haven't come up with anything concrete just yet. Still thinking whether i really need any new year resolutions.
Was a little disappointed he didn't call after work or at work or drop me an sms to check in on my knowing i was grumpy and sick. Had my own thoughts about him and about us in general. Whatever the case, it's 11 more days till his birthday. We'll see how things go from there....
Didn't help that i wanted very much to see him, but he was not free. Or didn't seem to want to make the time. Anyhow, i felt better when Guardian and I were smsing each other. It was just one of those random, how is everything smses. But i felt better, and he sure knows how to cheer me up when i'm all gloomy and down. =)
Kinda silly but he sent me hugs over sms and told me i cannot be a grouchy bear. Haha... Ok, plus he promise to buy me a present after i recover. Actually it wasn't so much the present. Maybe it was the hug that he sms me. Just knowing someone cares when i'm feeling gloomy makes me feel so much better.
Met Jaja for brunch. She's sick too. Haha.. Two people coughing away over bruch. Pitied the couple sitting next to us. But it's good to know things are looking up for her and things have been well. I guess sometimes in life, we just really need to give ourselves a chance.
Anyway, spent the rest of the afternoon in bed reading and pondering about what my new year resolutions were going to be. Still haven't come up with anything concrete just yet. Still thinking whether i really need any new year resolutions.
Was a little disappointed he didn't call after work or at work or drop me an sms to check in on my knowing i was grumpy and sick. Had my own thoughts about him and about us in general. Whatever the case, it's 11 more days till his birthday. We'll see how things go from there....
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Happy New Year II
Was hoping after a good night's sleep, i would wake up feeling more cheery, happy etc. More in a mood to put up my new year resolutions. But, instead, i didn't sleep well all night, tossed and turned all night long, coughing and trying to clear the nose to breathe. Damn.... Woke up about 5 plus in the morning to take medication. And i'm almost done with my medication and i'm not well.
Was quite looking forward to go for the first racing of the new year. But just felt so lousy and so bad that decided to stay in instead.
Interestingly enough, he didn't go for racing too. Not sure if he is sick or just coz he is not really involved today. Whatever the case, i hope this is not an indication of the year to come. I think the last time i had a cough so bad was the 6mths of cough in 2003. Oh man... That was horrible. Clinic visits after clinic visit, hospital visits... and still not well... Hopefully this does not turn out like that...
As for new year resolutions, i'm still sitting on them. Will update again..
Was quite looking forward to go for the first racing of the new year. But just felt so lousy and so bad that decided to stay in instead.
Interestingly enough, he didn't go for racing too. Not sure if he is sick or just coz he is not really involved today. Whatever the case, i hope this is not an indication of the year to come. I think the last time i had a cough so bad was the 6mths of cough in 2003. Oh man... That was horrible. Clinic visits after clinic visit, hospital visits... and still not well... Hopefully this does not turn out like that...
As for new year resolutions, i'm still sitting on them. Will update again..
Happy New Year
Screaming, fighting, crying, banging, shouting. What a way to usher in the New Year. What's so happy about it really?
Ok.. give me some time to snap out of it. Maybe that's why in the past i refuse to stay at home. Maybe i'm just being a grouch. Whatever the case, to all the other happy and merry folks out there, wishing you all the best for 2009. God Bless!
Ok.. give me some time to snap out of it. Maybe that's why in the past i refuse to stay at home. Maybe i'm just being a grouch. Whatever the case, to all the other happy and merry folks out there, wishing you all the best for 2009. God Bless!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Goodbye 2008.
The year is coming to a close in probably another 1hr 20min time based on my very inaccurate clock. Looking back into the year, i would say there have been many more downs then ups. I wish there was more that i could say about 2008. But on the whole, it has not been a very satisfactory year. Mostly due to some of the choices i've made.
Looking ahead, i am hoping that 2009 will be a better year. And i suppose with anything that is worth the price, there will be a lot of discipline involved. I'm not sad to see 2008 go past. And i should be happy to welcome in 2009. But somehow, i guess i'm feeling a little gloomy coz i'm coughing my lungs out and my nose has decided to run away. Not the best of ways to end the year and welcome the new year. But, oh well... life goes on.....
Not in a mood to blog, but figured i had to write something. Happy New Year you all. Hopefull your year went better and the new year will have more things to look forward to! Cheers
Looking ahead, i am hoping that 2009 will be a better year. And i suppose with anything that is worth the price, there will be a lot of discipline involved. I'm not sad to see 2008 go past. And i should be happy to welcome in 2009. But somehow, i guess i'm feeling a little gloomy coz i'm coughing my lungs out and my nose has decided to run away. Not the best of ways to end the year and welcome the new year. But, oh well... life goes on.....
Not in a mood to blog, but figured i had to write something. Happy New Year you all. Hopefull your year went better and the new year will have more things to look forward to! Cheers
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The Day after
Yup. It was a horrid day yesterday. He was acting up and acting childish. Maybe as i feel more and more disheartened, all i want to do is withdraw inwards.
We met today for breakfast. I know he was feeling down. I played the role of the friend perfectly. I listened and i didn't make any comments. Afterwards, he said he didn't want me to ask him so many questions. I sms and replied him that i would play my role perfectly.
But at that point of time, all i could think of was, i suppose all of us have roles to play and perfect in whatever we do. I remember i wrote once that we are all sisters, daughters, mothers, friends, teachers etc. But isn't it pointless for him to not be able to accept me for who i am? That my questions stem out of concern rather then being kaypoh.
But if it makes him happier, that's what i'll do. I keep reminding myself that its for the next 30 days only. But it's easier this way as well i guess. The more he acts up and treats me this way, the more i am fearful and scared of him and withdraw inwards. So i suppose that is the silver lining to the cloud.
We met today for breakfast. I know he was feeling down. I played the role of the friend perfectly. I listened and i didn't make any comments. Afterwards, he said he didn't want me to ask him so many questions. I sms and replied him that i would play my role perfectly.
But at that point of time, all i could think of was, i suppose all of us have roles to play and perfect in whatever we do. I remember i wrote once that we are all sisters, daughters, mothers, friends, teachers etc. But isn't it pointless for him to not be able to accept me for who i am? That my questions stem out of concern rather then being kaypoh.
But if it makes him happier, that's what i'll do. I keep reminding myself that its for the next 30 days only. But it's easier this way as well i guess. The more he acts up and treats me this way, the more i am fearful and scared of him and withdraw inwards. So i suppose that is the silver lining to the cloud.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Not so favourable day
Today, i noticed he was a little down and grouchy. I really just wanted to cheer him up. Not that i didn't need any cheering up myself. I did too. But as usual, with me, i guess when he is happy, he makes me happy as well. I suppose i have to understand that he is feeling a little down. And not take what he says to heart. But it really is getting more and more painful hanging on.
Sometimes, the words that you say hurt someone whether or not it was intentional. I guess today was one of those days. I bit my tongue and held back the tears. Because i've come to realize that we cannot both be grouchy on the same day. It just doesn't work this way.
The days that i hold dear in my heart are gone. I know i have to accept this. But why is it wrong when i just want to cheer him up and make him happy? Or is it my very presence that is upsetting him? Whatever happens, i wish him happiness.... sighz
Sometimes, the words that you say hurt someone whether or not it was intentional. I guess today was one of those days. I bit my tongue and held back the tears. Because i've come to realize that we cannot both be grouchy on the same day. It just doesn't work this way.
The days that i hold dear in my heart are gone. I know i have to accept this. But why is it wrong when i just want to cheer him up and make him happy? Or is it my very presence that is upsetting him? Whatever happens, i wish him happiness.... sighz
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
The week passed
The week on the whole was rather curious. Resigned after a huge fight in office. So started looking for a new job. Went through a whole series of self doubt. Weekend was spent at the races working, and then came Monday all over again. Tuesday is now over. Picked up a one off event to do this Thursday and have been mostly occupied with the event and rehearsals. Have been quite busy bee.
Still haven't stopped thinking about him. But trying to text him less and being less emo and attention seeking. Although at times, i still feel a little down. Especially when i wake up and feel all weird and queer. It's times like that where i wish he was still around to give me a big hug and tell me things will be fine. But i guess, i also need to learn to stand on my own two feet. Other then that, nothing much i guess.
Still haven't stopped thinking about him. But trying to text him less and being less emo and attention seeking. Although at times, i still feel a little down. Especially when i wake up and feel all weird and queer. It's times like that where i wish he was still around to give me a big hug and tell me things will be fine. But i guess, i also need to learn to stand on my own two feet. Other then that, nothing much i guess.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Li Jiu Zhe - Jie Tuo
爱永远都是难题
失去分寸太容易
谁都是凡人不够小心翼翼
有时候忘了珍惜
伤害来的太无意
有时爱太急需要空间呼吸
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
让你哭泣对不起为了爱承受委屈
说过的承诺其实还没忘记
愈是在乎的关系愈是相处不容易
伤害了你我也失去勇气
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
走到感情关键时候却握不住你的手
还能有什么藉口让爱再回头
多少的爱说不出口
就让时间帮我说话
我一个人拼命挣扎
总比两个人一起难过还好吧
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
失去分寸太容易
谁都是凡人不够小心翼翼
有时候忘了珍惜
伤害来的太无意
有时爱太急需要空间呼吸
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
让你哭泣对不起为了爱承受委屈
说过的承诺其实还没忘记
愈是在乎的关系愈是相处不容易
伤害了你我也失去勇气
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
走到感情关键时候却握不住你的手
还能有什么藉口让爱再回头
多少的爱说不出口
就让时间帮我说话
我一个人拼命挣扎
总比两个人一起难过还好吧
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
Thursday, November 27, 2008
What a month
Spent the day job hunting. Finally resigned. Feeling a little down in the dumps and depressed. Looking for a job isn't very hard. But it's brutally painful. Each ad that i go through, i have to ask myself, am i good enough, can i do this, will they want to hire me. And doesn't help that i don't have very relevant skill sets or a degree. Changing jobs has always been hard on my self esteem. This time round hasn't been easier. I suppose i feel the way i do also coz i'm generally a in ward reflective sort of person. For the whole day, i had to stop myself from asking where i went wrong, what didn't i do right, where i could have improved. What i could do better, how i could manage better etc. And i guess the hardest fact is maybe i just wasn't good enough or that i didn't give it my 100%.
All day i've tried to keep my spirits up. But somehow the word FAIL and the term FAILURE features quite persistently. I tell myself that things aren't that bad. That there is a silver lining to every dark cloud. That things can and will get better. I just need to get my mind to believe it. Honestly the mood swings are pretty drastic and volatile. I hate that i'm this way. And i told myself i will give myself up till Monday to snap out of it. Maybe now, i just want to whine. And be depressive.
Walk walk walk. Hit the wall. Walk walk walk. Hit another wall. I just want to walk. I just want things to work out for me for once. That when i get comfy with something or someone, for the thing to last, for that someone to stay on. Tired!
All day i've tried to keep my spirits up. But somehow the word FAIL and the term FAILURE features quite persistently. I tell myself that things aren't that bad. That there is a silver lining to every dark cloud. That things can and will get better. I just need to get my mind to believe it. Honestly the mood swings are pretty drastic and volatile. I hate that i'm this way. And i told myself i will give myself up till Monday to snap out of it. Maybe now, i just want to whine. And be depressive.
Walk walk walk. Hit the wall. Walk walk walk. Hit another wall. I just want to walk. I just want things to work out for me for once. That when i get comfy with something or someone, for the thing to last, for that someone to stay on. Tired!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Saturday
Spent the day in front of the computer trying to get work done. That went pretty well. Not everything that i set out to do was accomplished. But at least i started. Which is good for me because i have been saying for the longest of time that i wanted to do it.
Pumped up the bike tyres, checked the chains and gears, dug out my cycling shoes and wanted to do a short ride to see if i could possibility join joyriders tomorrow morning after a long lay off. Wasn't planning on going very far, distance wise. Just really wanted to get a feel of the bike, more importantly, starting and stopping at lights. Conclusion, back to ground zero. Other then the fact that my knee hurts like hell which never happened the first time i rode. Bike position? Bike fit?
Anyway, went to cut my hair after that. I guess i just needed a new perspective and what better way to achieve it than to start with the top. The head. Haha... Will post pictures subsequently. I think hair cutting is therpeutic. Just as the hair dresser was snipping off the hair, it felt like nothing in the world was worth shedding a tear for. Was a little apprehensive initially. After all, my hair takes forever to grow, and it took ages for it to reach this length. And snip snip snip, it was all gone. Interesting thing was for a while now, i always refused to get my hair cut. A trim was fine. But not a cut. Coz i keep thinking of how much time and effort it took for the hair to grow to this length. But, as the hair dresser cut the hair off, i felt a sense of peace and freedom. Ok. I know i am exaggerating. But for a moment, truly that was how i felt. More like i really didn't give a damn anymore.
Conclusion is, i like my new short bob hair cut. Makes my face look a little plump, but all the more incentive to lose some weight. Hair grows. The short hair gives me a fresher look, makes me look more energetic and lively. Helps during training, dries faster after a wash. All the positive traits to having shorter hair. Sure, i'll probably be less attractive to the men out there who like women in long hair. But then again, someone's bound to appreciate a lively, energetic short haired girl right? Anyway, not looking at the moment. I guess if it happens, it happens. I'm a little jaded and cynical about relationships at the moment.
Plus, the flame has not died out for the last guy. Although i constantly remind myself that it's for the better, he'll be happier and i guess love is not about possessing. I've always believed in true love. Unconditional love. I really wish that he'll be happier. And the choice is not mine to make. I do try to think happy thoughts for him. Of course, i do fall back sometimes. But i'm human after all. Now i remember why i always cut my hair when i was in school. Haha...
All ready for my ride tomorrow except knee hurts like hell. Damn
Pumped up the bike tyres, checked the chains and gears, dug out my cycling shoes and wanted to do a short ride to see if i could possibility join joyriders tomorrow morning after a long lay off. Wasn't planning on going very far, distance wise. Just really wanted to get a feel of the bike, more importantly, starting and stopping at lights. Conclusion, back to ground zero. Other then the fact that my knee hurts like hell which never happened the first time i rode. Bike position? Bike fit?
Anyway, went to cut my hair after that. I guess i just needed a new perspective and what better way to achieve it than to start with the top. The head. Haha... Will post pictures subsequently. I think hair cutting is therpeutic. Just as the hair dresser was snipping off the hair, it felt like nothing in the world was worth shedding a tear for. Was a little apprehensive initially. After all, my hair takes forever to grow, and it took ages for it to reach this length. And snip snip snip, it was all gone. Interesting thing was for a while now, i always refused to get my hair cut. A trim was fine. But not a cut. Coz i keep thinking of how much time and effort it took for the hair to grow to this length. But, as the hair dresser cut the hair off, i felt a sense of peace and freedom. Ok. I know i am exaggerating. But for a moment, truly that was how i felt. More like i really didn't give a damn anymore.
Conclusion is, i like my new short bob hair cut. Makes my face look a little plump, but all the more incentive to lose some weight. Hair grows. The short hair gives me a fresher look, makes me look more energetic and lively. Helps during training, dries faster after a wash. All the positive traits to having shorter hair. Sure, i'll probably be less attractive to the men out there who like women in long hair. But then again, someone's bound to appreciate a lively, energetic short haired girl right? Anyway, not looking at the moment. I guess if it happens, it happens. I'm a little jaded and cynical about relationships at the moment.
Plus, the flame has not died out for the last guy. Although i constantly remind myself that it's for the better, he'll be happier and i guess love is not about possessing. I've always believed in true love. Unconditional love. I really wish that he'll be happier. And the choice is not mine to make. I do try to think happy thoughts for him. Of course, i do fall back sometimes. But i'm human after all. Now i remember why i always cut my hair when i was in school. Haha...
All ready for my ride tomorrow except knee hurts like hell. Damn
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Just another day
Braved the rain to come home last night from office. Was so damn tired after the training, plus so many people that i had to meet, brain was on overdrive. Really just wanted to hit home, shower and sleep. Reached home about 9pm. Was seriously exhausted. I guess other then training, my body was probably telling me that it was exhausted. Not my fault really. I go to bed early, just can't sleep. So toss and turn, toss and turn all night long. Finally, fall asleep, and within a short while, i'm up again. Well, i suppose this is always the case when my mind is in overdrive. Anyway, didn't even have dinner. No wonder i generally lose weight when i train. Lack of appetite. Plus the lack of sleep the last couple of days. Not even sure how the hours pass.
Ok. Anyway, woke up mighty early, wanted to bike out. But it was raining. And judging from my lack of sleep, exhausted body, i figured i wasn't going to brave the rain another time. Too risky. Wanted to see if i could catch a glimpse of someone. But felt that it would only make matters worse. So decided to go back to bed and sleep again. On off on off. Finally woke up about 8am. Felt like i haven't slept a wink the whole nite though. Damn
Today was alright. Met up with Guardian for a while, bought him lunch. His birthday is just round the corner. Seeing him today made me extremely certain about my feelings for him. Nope. Good news people. I honestly still care lots about him, and the level of understanding and comfort is still high. Just that i don't have the overwhelming love for him anymore. This leads us to the next question.
Throughout our lunch together, i kept thinking of someone else. Sigh. And as lunch wore on, i asked myself if i was certain about the thoughts in my mind. Have been thinking about it for a couple of days now. And i think i am. Now i just need to find the opportunity to broach on it.
Only highlight for the day was that we finally did manage to chat a little. Albeit really short conversations, it meant a great deal to me. But then again, i've been very emotional and high strung lately. Anything remotely positive that happens means a hell of a lot. I do tell myself to keep my spirits up. But honestly, all i want to do is collapse in someone's arms and for the person to tell me that things WILL get better.
Ok. Anyway, woke up mighty early, wanted to bike out. But it was raining. And judging from my lack of sleep, exhausted body, i figured i wasn't going to brave the rain another time. Too risky. Wanted to see if i could catch a glimpse of someone. But felt that it would only make matters worse. So decided to go back to bed and sleep again. On off on off. Finally woke up about 8am. Felt like i haven't slept a wink the whole nite though. Damn
Today was alright. Met up with Guardian for a while, bought him lunch. His birthday is just round the corner. Seeing him today made me extremely certain about my feelings for him. Nope. Good news people. I honestly still care lots about him, and the level of understanding and comfort is still high. Just that i don't have the overwhelming love for him anymore. This leads us to the next question.
Throughout our lunch together, i kept thinking of someone else. Sigh. And as lunch wore on, i asked myself if i was certain about the thoughts in my mind. Have been thinking about it for a couple of days now. And i think i am. Now i just need to find the opportunity to broach on it.
Only highlight for the day was that we finally did manage to chat a little. Albeit really short conversations, it meant a great deal to me. But then again, i've been very emotional and high strung lately. Anything remotely positive that happens means a hell of a lot. I do tell myself to keep my spirits up. But honestly, all i want to do is collapse in someone's arms and for the person to tell me that things WILL get better.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
First training in a long while
Haven't done any decent training since Port Dickson which was in July. Faintz!
Shoulder aching like crazy after doing my first decent swim in a long while. Ouch!
Did 300 warm up, 1500 swim, 200 cool down. Only clocked the 1500 swim. Did it in a miserable time of 39min 46s. Which means i've lost 6 minutes from Port Dickson till now. Sighz... Nothing comes easy i guess.
It was a tough session but i'm glad i did it still. Funny how i kept contemplating giving up. At 10 laps, at 15, at 20. I suppose why it was tough was basically i couldn't find the rhythm. Breathing was off. And only started to smooth out by the time i was on my 22 lap. But, only for 4 laps before i started to feel the pain in my elbows and left knee. All in all a pretty lousy session. But i'm sure a couple more long swims will put me back in the game. So game plan is, a couple more long swims before i start doing sets. It's back to basics for me. Now really worried about the long bike ride that agreed to go on. Not sure with no fitness and all whether i will be able to cover 90+km of bike ride. Better start riding seriously this week too. The tyres are soft as it is, bike is dust covered.
Hmm... that leaves the run. Super reluctant to start running. Foot hurts since the last time i went to the gym. Knee hurts from swimming. Generally no inclination to run. Plus, mentally, i haven't gotten past the horrible experience of sundown and PD. 4km was as far as my legs would take me till date.
But i suppose since 70.3 is 5 months away, its about time i started training. grinz
On a random note, he asked that things be over. But somehow, maybe coz i really put in my heart into making us work, it still hurts a big deal. Not a minute go by that i don't wish that we could get back together. That somehow, he can look past whatever is holding him back to see the good that i have to offer. Seriously, all i have ever wanted was to help him and for both of us to grow. But i suppose what i emailed him is true. Better us be apart and him be happy then for us to be together and him be miserable. I suppose i really believed that he would hold my hand for life when he said those words to me. And maybe i really wanted to believe it. Naive? Or just wanting to believe whatever i wanted to believe? I'm not sure too... Maybe i'm the only soul in this world that doesn't let love die overnight? Or maybe it just has been dying and i was too in love to realize it. Oh well, i'm trying hard to be strong and to love myself. Maybe i'm just not cut out to be in a relationship, to be loved? Or maybe, i have a huge character flaw that i really need to work on. Sighz
Shoulder aching like crazy after doing my first decent swim in a long while. Ouch!
Did 300 warm up, 1500 swim, 200 cool down. Only clocked the 1500 swim. Did it in a miserable time of 39min 46s. Which means i've lost 6 minutes from Port Dickson till now. Sighz... Nothing comes easy i guess.
It was a tough session but i'm glad i did it still. Funny how i kept contemplating giving up. At 10 laps, at 15, at 20. I suppose why it was tough was basically i couldn't find the rhythm. Breathing was off. And only started to smooth out by the time i was on my 22 lap. But, only for 4 laps before i started to feel the pain in my elbows and left knee. All in all a pretty lousy session. But i'm sure a couple more long swims will put me back in the game. So game plan is, a couple more long swims before i start doing sets. It's back to basics for me. Now really worried about the long bike ride that agreed to go on. Not sure with no fitness and all whether i will be able to cover 90+km of bike ride. Better start riding seriously this week too. The tyres are soft as it is, bike is dust covered.
Hmm... that leaves the run. Super reluctant to start running. Foot hurts since the last time i went to the gym. Knee hurts from swimming. Generally no inclination to run. Plus, mentally, i haven't gotten past the horrible experience of sundown and PD. 4km was as far as my legs would take me till date.
But i suppose since 70.3 is 5 months away, its about time i started training. grinz
On a random note, he asked that things be over. But somehow, maybe coz i really put in my heart into making us work, it still hurts a big deal. Not a minute go by that i don't wish that we could get back together. That somehow, he can look past whatever is holding him back to see the good that i have to offer. Seriously, all i have ever wanted was to help him and for both of us to grow. But i suppose what i emailed him is true. Better us be apart and him be happy then for us to be together and him be miserable. I suppose i really believed that he would hold my hand for life when he said those words to me. And maybe i really wanted to believe it. Naive? Or just wanting to believe whatever i wanted to believe? I'm not sure too... Maybe i'm the only soul in this world that doesn't let love die overnight? Or maybe it just has been dying and i was too in love to realize it. Oh well, i'm trying hard to be strong and to love myself. Maybe i'm just not cut out to be in a relationship, to be loved? Or maybe, i have a huge character flaw that i really need to work on. Sighz
Haven't blogged in a while
It's been a while since i last blogged. I guess it could be due to a variety of reasons, the key being there was nothing new to blog about. It was the same issues popping up over and over again. Break up, patch back, say want to put in effort work things out, one week later, same problem in a different variation pops up. And i was tired. Didn't have strength to blog. Didn't have the heart to blog.
But it really is over. For good i must say. i don't blame him honestly. Just bad judgement of character on my part. I might miss him, but end of the day, i guess life goes on. There are still a million and one things i have yet to do.. need to get off my ass, stop whining, moaning, doubting myself and carry on! Yeah!
But it really is over. For good i must say. i don't blame him honestly. Just bad judgement of character on my part. I might miss him, but end of the day, i guess life goes on. There are still a million and one things i have yet to do.. need to get off my ass, stop whining, moaning, doubting myself and carry on! Yeah!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)