What does he really want?

OK. You would have thought that now that we have called it quits i would not be talking about him any longer. Alas, that is not the case.
He caused quite a stir in my otherwise uneventful day. You see, the thing is, i dropped him a friendly sms last night and this morning. Nothing pressurizing i hope. At least not to me. And the reply i got was, one of the few times he asked me a question without me posting him one first. And so i called him to tell him where i was going to stay this time round when i went up to HK. And i would be lying if i said that was all my intention. I wanted desperately to hear his voice since our last meeting where things didn't end quite so well.
And he did something rather out of the blue. In all the time that i've known him, he's never given me a detailed breakdown of his schedule. And this morning, he rattled off, telling me his appointments and exactly which part of HK he would be at. And he asked the question that i tot he would never ask. Why not fly up early to spend the weekend with me. Oh how i wished i was able to. How i wish when i had called the tour agency earlier, the agent would have told me that he would do it for me. And yet, i guess it must be the will of GOD that the guy wouldn't let me change my ticket unless two of us fly up.
And being in a mood of sheer confusion, i did get rather upset. Of course, i guess if i think hard about it, if he had really wanted to see me so badly, then he would have offered to buy me a ticket up. Then again, i guess it's one of those, well, since you are going up, and i'm bored, let;s meet up.
Of course i was torn by this mixed feeling of joy for him bringing it up versus, does he really mean it. I'm so confused. What does he really want?
I smsed him back to say i couldn't change the ticket. And he didn't bother replying. I guess it's just as well. Rather then go there and be disappointed, at least here, in the midst of a training, i am surrounded by supporting and understanding friends. Anyway, i told him i would be available on the 28th and 1st. And i did leave the onus on him to call or sms me on the 28th to tell me exactly when he would be available just so we could meet up. And i guess i;ll rather not expect too much coz i'm worried that at the end of it all, he would tell me he is unable to meet me up in HK. Funny how i felt this same way just a couple of months back when we first went up to HK together. And now, this same feeling is happening all over again.
Well, one thing's for sure. I'm not going to be so proactive. Coz i really have no idea what goes on in that complex mind of his. And i don't want to bring my hopes up. And i'm not sure if i am back up entertainment or do i really mean something to him. I'm not sure if meeting him this time is coz we already planned it before wednesday nite. I'm not sure that now the dynamics of our relationship has changed, would we still be going on a trip together in March like he promised. There are so many uncertainties. And for once, i can only truly say i can take one step at a time. I know that choices have consequences. And i choose to let him lead and i'll follow in the dance until one day when i find that he is no longer dancing and leading would i switch partners. For now, he is still the one i want to dance with.....

My voice

150206
Just got home. Much to say. Didn't know how to say it. I'm actually much better with writing. So bear with it. You asked many questions and made many points just now. And i wanted to tell you how i felt. But, i guess by that point, i was already rather emotional.
First you asked me why i buy you cards and write when i can just email? Well i guess cards has a visual effect. And it involves more then just picking it off the shelf. I actually go to several shops, read the cards and pick one that best describes the message i want to convey. Anyway, i always thought it was rather sweet.
You made several points when we were sitting in your car. And here are some things i truly felt. If you had said, alright, i just have to time to pick up the cards and run, i would have done that. Sometimes, when i get something for someone special, i tend to get more excited and it's always nice to give a present. I tried sending you a present to your office before and i could tell you weren't too happy about it. And since i didn't have your home mailing address, it wasn't possible to send it to your home. But i admit. It is my excitedness and the fact that i wanted to surprise you that made me even more determined to give the cards to you.
As for what you feel about us, i guess and strongly believe on my side, it would have occurred whether or not we slept with each other. Before i slept with you, i think i was already crazy about you. This feeling didn't grow with sex. It grew with knowing you more and appreciating and loving everything you are, stand for. The good and the bad.
I was upset coz you said and talk about not wanting me to feel rejected after talking about us sleeping together. Maybe you didn't mean it as in you slept with me coz u didn't want to reject me. But i guess the context of all that you said, made me feel that way. Especially after that when you mention that there is no need to tell the truth and that one should be subtle.
I won't deny that i wasn't hurt. And the fact is that i was. Coz i'm still a rather proud person by nature. And the first thought that came into my mind was that you slept with me coz u pity me. And i don't need that. Although up till this point, i will still say i enjoyed every moment of it, i would have rather you said no, you weren't interested. But what's done is done. So, no point crying over spilt milk. THat's why i asjed what could be done from now...
When all is said and done, i seriously want to apologize and say sorry for all the added stress and pressure some of my actions have caused you. Know that i genuinely never meant any harm and it was really unintentional. I feel bad coz i know that i've truly taken away lots of your precious time. And instead of making you feel good, i've caused you undue unhappiness.
Maybe it's my style, or maybe i've truly been demanding without realising it. Or maybe it's just how you view me. WHatever it is, it didn't makke you feel good. And for all that and all the other things i might have done, i'm really, really sorry. Thanks for all your time really. Know that i appreciate every moment of it and i truly appreciate every bit of you!
Love is blind! I fell in love with you some time back . And that's why i kept your sms. That's why i sms and try to talk to you constantly. Coz i truly care and want to know all is fine. But apparently it's doing more harm then good. Maybe it's my actions that is making you feel uncomfortable. I'll keep it in check. I know the truth usually hurts. But i'm not really good at catching subtle hints. So if there's anything else that i'm doing that's irritating and bugging you, feel free to tell me.
Cheers

Full Circle

I have not been posting for a while now. I guess in my own way, i was trying to deal with my own feelings. I first started this blog coz i was extremely upset about Cow. It was during Valentine's day last year where we ended things. Not really ended. In fact, it was when problems arose and he disappeared on me.
I didn't take a long time to get over Cow coz in his own way, he was not the nicest of people. And along came Tour Guide, who mesmerised me with his words, his charm and his personality. And quickly, i got over the heartache of Cow being such a disappointment.
A day after Valentine's Day this year, TG and i had a talk. He had touched down in Singapore and smsed to say he could meet up. The talk we had was painful. Few days after we talked, i'm still thinking about how much of it is true. And just how much of it was meant to illustrate a point.
TG has been a special person in my life for some time now. Close to a year? And i guess in my own way, i adored him lots. In fact, i adore TG to the extent that i used to adore Guardian. And thus, there was no anger, no hatred. Merely a pain and hurt that i cannot describe. When Cow and i ended things, i was pissed off. Angry with him for being the way he was. For being so irresponsible. But with TG, i cannot find fault with him. Only that i knew this was to come with time. He would never have been happy with me.
We belong to 2 vastly different worlds and he has got very fixed views about woman. Views that he has acquired over the years and i am unable to change. I do not know if i have overstepped the boundaries. Neither do i know if it was pity that he gave in to me in the first place. But i do know that if there was even an inkling of pity involved, i would rather not have started anything. For some reason, i feel like i've come full circle.
In my heart, TG is still as special and important. Just like in my heart, Guardian will always reside. And i am uncertain just where the next road will take me....

Just another day

His flight is at 8am. Pickup time is probably at 6am. That was the last i heard during our phone conversation. How tough can it be to be flying from one point of the world to another. Moments spent on the plane. Too short for sleep. Too long to be tired.
Could hear the tiredness draining from his voice. From the sounds that resonate over the telephone line, i could tell that he was so extremely tired. And i guess in the simplicity of things, i'm not sure if he could tell that sometimes, i drop him an sms or call merely in hopes of brightening up his day, or adding some warmth to his mundane routine of doing things.
So, i smsed him to say, well, here's a hug to brighten up your day and hope you feel more energised. I guess he didn't catch it. This in itself makes me think. Sometimes, people have the most positive intentions. However, unless you can understand the intention behind it, you will never be able to fully appreciate the person.
Somehow, i got the feeling that he was irritated with my sms. That i was disrupting a pattern in his work and his everyday life. That i was taking time away from his busy and hectic schedule. And all i wanted was merely to give him a hug, to cuddle him and to tell him that i understood that he was really busy.
Then again, in my model of the world, someone hugging me is perceived as a nice gesture. Maybe for him, it is merely me demanding more of his limited time.

Symbol

Rewind: A picture of fire. Burning, touching lifes around. Fire gives you warmth, gives you light. Fire moves from one to the other. It spreads on and on. The minute it touches another object, it gains from it the fuel to contiune burning.
Play: Water poured over the fire. Burning embers. Smouldering fire.
Fast Forward: The fire building up and burning strongly once again. Touching lives, giving warmth. It is stronger then before. No water can douse it.

Is the fire dying or is it merely starting?

Fun and freedom. Is that what a fire symbolises?

In ancient times, the person who controls the fire is the person who has the power. Where then does this lead us? I view fire as something that is deadly and yet we need it. Fire can rage on when you have no control over it. At the same time, when you have control over it, it can become a tool for one to make use of.
I guess many things in life are similar to the concept of fire. Does one choose to be the slave of something or the master of it?

Self Delusions

For the greater part of the month, last month and this month, i have been denying a part of me that is there. And tonight's incident made me realise just how much he meant to me. For a while now, i've been keeping my cool, getting along with life, doing my job and just wanting to be the best person i can be. And i told myself that i would not get tangled up in a series of complicated relationship that i had no control over.
Tonight, when i saw him, i played the cool, calm, collected girl. No one present would have been able to tell that i once had a huge crush on him. No one present would have suspected for one second that i was interested in him. And as we parted, i wished him a very Happy Chinese New Year, and thanked him properly for the ang bao that he gave me.
It would all have passed over if not for the fact that the group of us sitting at down after he had left had nothing better to do then to compare ang baos. The amount given out were different. And that didn't bug me. After all, i was not really expecting an ang bao at all. So an ang bao came as a bonus. So, i headed out to smoke with some girlfriends and we got to talking about him as a person. It was not really any newsworthy topic, merely one friend saying he makes a good friend, and i chimed in. The 3rd girl met him for the first time today. Somehow, talking about him made me sort of think of him.
And so i decided to drop him a call to see if he was already home, or driving home. He sounded extremely tired and yet, i was mildly touched when he commented that he actually found the souvenir that i had earlier asked for. And he said he had something to do and would call me back. And i left the conversation, going back to join the rest for another round of drinks.
It was at the point of him smsing me that i realised just how much he meant to me. He smsed to say that he was extremely tired and did not know how to drive back home. And that he was taking a rest. And with that i got worried. I told him i would send him home. And he said it was alright. He would feel better after resting a while. And i added this one line that was so out of character for me all this while. I told him i missed him lots. And then i smsed him to ask about how come different people got different amounts for ang bao. And he didn't reply back for close to 45 mins. And finally, i did something so out of charcter with him. I smsed him to call or sms when he got home coz i was worried about him.
If you're wondering, he did call. Only to share with me that he was upset and hurt about what took place. It scared me and i pondered about it for a long time, knowing i said what i did as a joke. And yet, here i hurt this man that of late, i have grown to care so much about and love, that it felt terrible. I offered to make it up to him, telling him time and again i was sorry and asking him how i could make it up and make him feel better. After close to 20 mins of pacifying him, i think he cooled down.
I guess at that point of time, when he was losing his cool and he really did sound upset on top of sounding tired, i felt really lousy. I realised just how much this one man had come to mean to me. And i guess, all that shadow boxing was pointless. Because, somehow, somewhere, this man has crept into the night and i had given him my heart.
The situation finally lightened when we talk about ourselves. It was comforting for a short while. And i guess it's no point deluding myself anymore. The answer is plain and i merely pretend that i'm still searching.

Something special

All my life, i've never been a great conversationalist. And frankly speaking, i hate chinese new year coz i hate people asking me what i'm doing, when i'm going to get married, how come i never bring my boyfriend along and the endless questions that comes with new years. So for a long time now, i guess i haven't really opened my eyes, my ears and my heart to all the beautiful things there were around me.
This year, new year was a lot more special. There were more places to visit, more people who asked me to mit up with them, and for once, i obliged. And it turned out alright. In fact, i would say, i enjoyed being in the company of familiar old faces and i guess this year, i retreated to seek solace from these faces that have seen me grown up and old.
I've made it a point to start with one of my fewer resolutions and it has stuck on till today. Let's see how long i'll keep it up, but one step at a time gets me closer to the goal i have in mind. And for that, i think its beautiful, and special.

The tragedy of life is not death rather, it is what we allow to die within us while we live

"i felt as though i'd turned around to look in a different direction, so that i no longer faced backward towards the past, but forward toward the future. And now the question confronting me was this: What would that future be?"


"Adversity is like a strong wind. I don't mean just that i holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be town, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be."

"Focusing on what isn't there. What if i came to the end of my life and realized that i'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize i'd never really tastes the things i'd eaten, or seen the places i'd been, because i'd thought of nothing but TG even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if i drew my thoughts back from him, what life would i have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give."

"Waiting patiently doesn't suit you. I can see you have a great deal of water in your personality. Water never waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and finds the secret paths no one else has thought about-- the tiny hole through the rood of the bottom of a box. There's no doubt it's the most versatile of the five elements. It can wash away earth; it can put out fire; it can wear a peiece of metal down and sweep it away. Even wood, which is its natural complement, can't survive without being nurtured by water."

Reunion Dinner

I felt completely detached from my own being today. I felt like i had stepped into another world, where i was another person. Maybe it was confirmation over confirmation that made me feel like i was a better person all over again. Maybe it was being in familiar company that i realized how much of the past i wanted back. Maybe it was being in that time and place where i realized how much further i had taken myself away from my dreams after just one wrong turn.
And as i felt all these feelings engulf me, i think back of the show i had watched last night. Huo Yan Jia. Fearless. As a young child, he was competitive and craved for glory and titles. But just how much do these things mean and just what is the value of it all? He finally crashed and burnt. And was aimless and wandering for a period of time before he came to his senses.
For all the flaws that i see in myself, i begin to realize just how much i have been focusing on the flaws. For a period of time, all i wanted to do was to see the world through another person. And now, i know i am ready to step back into my life and live it the way it should have. Because i've begin to understand that as much as i want to walk the life of that someone, i cannot do it. For in walking that person's life, i was never as truly happy as when i chose my own path and walked my own life. And be in touch with that person that i walked away from many many years ago.
Somehow, tonight's dinner brought out many thoughts and feelings. Some of which i have yet to comprehend. But for all the good and bad things that came out of it, i guess it was this statement that rang true. "Since young, you have the hardest character among all the younger generation. You were the toughest kid being the most street smart. And you always chose your own directions and paths and always succeeded. No one can change your mind for you were always the hard one. What you choose to do for the rest of your life, begins today."
And as i read the bookmark that star gave me 6 months back, i finally understood what he meant. That today is the first day of my life for the rest of my life. Thanks... It all seems crystal clear now!

Chinese New Year

Lost a fortune today. My little fortune. Nothing much to write. Just wondering why i seem to be pissing TG off so often nowadays. Have i changed or has he changed? Or have our expectations of each other changed? Or is he just irritable?

Mixed feelings

Met TG tonight for dinner after two weeks to be exact. Exactly 14 days. Dinner went as well as expected. I guess what i didn't expect was my feelings for him. I've been in love with this man for such a long time that i'm puzzled and curious as well. But then again, i guess i've always been someone who has been really faithful and loyal. I won't even think of being with someone else as long as there is a glimmer of hope that one day we'll both live happily ever after. And i guess that was what bugged me more then anything today.
He shared with me his hectic schedule and somehow, i could see he was more relaxed then usual today. Maybe coz he has just finished a big show in philippines and Chinese new year was around the corner. And he was going away for such a long break. And maybe coz i was being pleasantly nice today, not throwing any little girl tantrums coz i had more on my mind then i usually had. And for whatever reasons, i guess dinner went by without any major events. And yet, a question pops into my head. Must all dinners be a result of him talking, me listening and agreeing for it to be uneventful?
Dinner ended. I was glad we were both heading home. I walked him to his car as usual. Sometimes, i wonder if he even thinks that it's sort of weird for a girl to walk the guy to his car. And yet, it is in that walk, that few precious moments where there is a physical contact of sorts be it a kiss, a hug, or just walking together hand in hand, or arm across each other that makes walking him to his car all worth while. And for someone that i see every 14-20 days once, these little moments are even more precious.
I didn't want to get into the car. I didn't want to go down the carpark which went round and round coz i dread it. I didn't want to sit in the car and have nothing to say. I didn't want to have to ask for a hug or kiss at the end. I didn't want to ask when i would see him again. I didn't want to ask if he still remembered that he promised me a trip in march when he was less busy. But seems too busy now to take a trip in march. For all the things that i didn't want, i steped into the car coz he asked. And it takes great power to reject something he asked coz of how i felt abt him.
In the car, for some peculiar reason, he stretched his hand over me and tickled my ears. I liked that. In any normal event, i would have reached over and placed my head on his shoulder. I like that. But the car going round and round the carpark, braking constantly, was too much for my head to bear. And so, i sat there, closed my eyes and didn't move. And then finally we reached level ground, and he asked where he should alight me. And i pointed up front and said, i'll get off here. And he pulled me over to kiss me. Somehow, for reasons that i cannot explain, even now, i turned my face away and offered him my cheek. And i said bye, happy chinese new year and got out of the car. Before he told me might join Superman and our group of friends for after dinner drinks tomorrow night.
The night didn't seem all that beautiful. And yet, beauty in simplicity. I wish sometimes i've never fallen for this worldly man, who seems to know too much, and yet, nothing seems to be able to touch his heart. And if i could take my eraser and wipe out the beautiful moments that i've ever shared with him, so that he will be no different from the next joe, i would. And for now, i lie trapped in his world, desperately asking for release, asking to have the power to walk away.

Good Energy

Went back to AKLTG today and left feeling rather charged up. I somehow see things in a different light. And i feel good about it. I'vc been asking myself for some time now why is it that i'm not good in sales. Is it coz i am no good with words? Is it coz i am too shy? Is it coz i'm .... And the list goes on.
But i guess the real reason is that i just don't feel good asking for sales. And of course not forgetting, i'm sometimes too paiseh to ask for it. For fear of losing a friendship or such... And then i realised something today. Guess its about looking at things in a different perspective. How about if i asked for it, and if the friend decides to say no to me, then i guess this person ain't too great a friend to start off with. I'm not saying that if the person refuses to buy anything from me. Coz i understand that sometimes, people just do not have the need or the means at that point of time. But what i'm saying is that it has to do with people taking things badly just coz i want to share. Coz if i genuinly want to share, then its really for their benefit.
I'm glad i finally feel this way. For a while now i've been stuck. Guess its a new way to look at things. So, from today onwards, i'm going to approach every person that i meet. Everyone that i meet will be a prospect. Grinz.
Will blog more later.. need to sleep

Predictability in one who is unpredictable

Many years ago, i used to think, oh why is this man so unpredictable? I would spend hours agonising over the fact that he would one day be so in love with me, then suddenly not want my company at all. And that made me so confused and upset. Over the years, maybe i've come to accept the fact that he is just like that. What do i mean just like that? I guess it has to do with the concept of commitment and in a weird and even perverse way, he is preserving himself.
He smsed today out of the blue after telling me about 2 mths back that he thinks we should stop contacting each other for a while. And i guess over the years, i've more or less gotten used to him being around, then disappearing, and then reappearing. And this time round, it was no different. He asked to meet up and now with a sales job, its so much easier. And yet, i guess its GOD"s plan that we did not meet up. I had a meeting and i guess if i did not, i would have caved.
Today i thought about how unpredictable he always wanted to be. And yet, there is a pattern in it all. When he first shared that he wanted to cease contact for a while, at the back of my mind, i was thinking, oh.. here it comes again. And in about 3 mths time, he will suddenly feel like he needs to meet up and we'll go back to seeing each other for a couple of months before the urge hits him again. And there is such a strong pattern in it all. Today i asked myself just what is this pattern? What does it signify? What will it do to me and how do i interprete it?
I obviously didn't come up with any answers. And i guess some how, some time, some day, the answer will be staring me right in my face. And for that, i guess i will just have to be patient and ride it out. In the mean time, i wonder just what would i do the next time he calls?
I guess in my own way, i do wonder why i always hang out with men who are emotionally unavailable. Is it coz deep down inside, i too amd facing the same problem? And yet i know that i would truly like to be with someone who cares for me, dotes on me and someone whom i can share with not only on the emotional level but also on the intellectual level. Am i being too predictable too in being unpredictable? Sometimes, i guess when they say that you are your own worst enemy or best friend, i guess they had me in mind. Cheers

If i had it all

Damn! My baby broke down again today. Sighz. Sometimes i wish he didn't give me so much problems. And its times like this where i wonder if i could just give it up. I guess owning a bike is very much like being in a relationship. Please don't ask me how i come about to this conclusion. Ha.. Maybe something to do with riding my baby?
Alright. Have thought of a title for today's post. And its called if i could have it all. What would it be? Short term, medium term and long term. Shit, i sould like one of those Russians talking about their reform programs. Anyway, let's see.
1) Having a 100k in my bank
2) Having a 500k investment portfolio
3) Having a decent car to drive around when i do not feel like riding my baby
4) Having a library collection of books (about 500)
5) Having an MP3 player that works
6) Having a desktop in my room with internet connection
7) Having a digital camera of my very own
8) Having a plasma tv in my room complete with a surround sound system
and DVD/VCD player
9) Having a queen size bed so all my softoys can sleep with me
10) Having a comforter that i've always wanted to snuggle into at night
11) Revamping my room so that it looks like one of those IKEA showrooms
12) Having a healthy variety of clothes so i don't have to keep recycling clothes
on a 3 day basis
13) Buying my racer so i can finally start training proper for my triathlon
14) A complete set of Georg Jensen jewellery
15) A power suit from an unknown brand that i'm still looking for
16) My Braun Buffel handbag and document bag

Alright. Those are the material things i want in the short term. Now lets go for the medium term stuff
17) Buying my own apartment. Preferably a condominum with an olympic size
swimming pool near the beach. Not too far away from town
18) Having 500k in savings and a million in investments
19) Being a director of a multinational company.
20) Wining, dining and living the life of the rich and famous
21) Winning my first international title that is not a team event
22) Adopting a couple of children from the third world countries and sponsoring
them

And finally for the long term goals
23) Finding a man who is my best friend and greatest companion
24) Get involved in politics

If i could only have one item in my list of 24, you know best what i'll trade it up for. Funny how i've never thought of the material aspects until i started typing this blog. I've thought of myself as someone who is not really materialistic. I guess at the end of the day, i also want the things that give me status and power and also be rich. So, the next question for the next blog would be what exactly are my values? Am i seeking fame and wealth in all the wrong places? Or are my values in conflict with each other and therefore i am stuck where i am? Hmmm

Just being Oscar of Sesame Street

Its barely been two weeks into the new year and i already feel miserable. I guess its really how i choose to feel. And i guess at the same time, i keep telling myself that if i choose to feel otherwise, i'll be better. With the realisation that i'm going to turn 26 already, i feel overwhelmed by the things that i have yet to accomplish at this age. Let alone the lessons that i keep having to relearn time and again. And it is buggin me big time.
At times like this, i ponder and wonder is it that i am merely incompetent or is it that i'm lazy? Or do i have no goal? Or maybe worse still, no purpose in life. Or am i just someone who is forever negative and will never find happiness? I believe that these things are within and up to us to create. But it scares me that i'm not sure how i can go about creating these things.
For a while, i told myself if i woke up feeling happy and looking forward to the day, i would be fine. And then i told myself to keep the negative thoughts out, to keep focusing on the positive things in life and i would be happier, and things would be better. But somehow, i find that it takes a lot more energy and strength to focus on the bright side of life when i feel with each day that passes, there really isn't much to look forward to.
I guess this feeling hit me a couple of days back when TG and i met. Suddenly, i realised how empty this pursuit is. And coming from me, that was quite a shock. I realised that somehow, i was seeking happiness in being with him, when happiness should dwell from within me flowing out. And i ask myself, where is this happiness. How do i garner it without feeling close to miserable. I desperately want to get out of the rut. It takes little steps each time but yet, there is a feeling that with each single step i take, i seem to be sliding two steps back. And i find myself once again further and further away from my goals.
Its at times like this when i feel like giving up and i feel like i don't want to act happy anymore. I want to be the grouch. To shut myself up from the rest of the world. And then, i think, that's not really what i want. And i end up being more confused then ever.
When i lost Guardian, i felt my life go into shambles. But at least i seem like i remotely had a future then. But as i look into the crystal ball today, all i see is fog and mist. And i call out, and all i hear is the echo of my own voice. The little devil in my head is almost winning. And i'm fearful about what it can do and will do. In more ways then one, it was the devil who was always the stronger one. If not, we would all still be in the garden of Eden. The fact that we are not there means that either the devil is more powerful or he has got greater powers of deceit and manipulation. And it scares me. The angel is growing weaker by the minute. All i hear now is the devil's voice. And all i want is the angel to drown him out.....

My Views

As i see the world through my myopic vision, i tend to wonder about a lot of things. Someone once told me that we learnt all we had to at kindergarten. We just sort of forgot the lessons along the way and therefore, occassionally, we had to take refresher courses through the bumps and hardship we deem to currently face.
I think back of the time when i too was in kindergarten. And i guess if i thought real hard, i could paint up a rather rosy picture. Of course, i did take a lot to get me to go to school. Ha. I will never forget the caning i got just outside school as i refused to go to school. There was a time where i was a shy young thing who merely wanted to stay at home, didn't want to meet anyone. I guess i was just scared at the whole prospect of meeting new people. And yet, it was easily overcomed in time. I began to find things about school that i enjoyed and subsequently, had to be scolded to get home on time for dinner after school.
Then there were the persistance when i wanted something, the determination of never wanting to fail when i started something, and of course, wanting to be the best in everything i ever did.
Just what happened along the way? Did some alien take over my body and mind, or did i merely changed so drastically that all the things that i ever stood for no longer appealed to me?
At times, in the solitude of my room, i ask myself this question. When and at which point did i stop trying to achieve greatness in my own life. When did i stop focusing on working the challenge but rather choose to back down from it? When did i stop wanting to be the best. When just when?
Somewhere along the way, a little girl was lost, she grew up. And for the life of me, i think she became worse off then when she was 4. And i wonder and wonder, just what would it take to find that little girl back.

It's a public holiday

Was a public holiday today. But didn't quite feel like it. Maybe it was coz i had lots to do. Going away later on in a couple of hours time. Don't ask me why i'm not sleeping. Guess i just really want to blog for a while.
Met TG for coffee today. Somehow, he always gives me the impression that giving me an hour of his time is something that i really should be appreciative about. Sometimes i wonder why i bother putting up with it. We were having coffee, when he looks at his watch and then goes, oh, its been an hour now. Better get going. Sighz. Why do i bother. Anyway, we chatted a little today. Didn't talk any about Superman's wedding or what happened that night. I guess it was a good thing. Somehow, i feel he smsed me to meet me today only to fulfil what he told me on Sunday nite. And actually he didn't really want coffee or sorts. Whatever.
But something he said made me realise a deep truth. He said if he had a sister, he would probably have killed her. Speaks volumes actually. And i don't know why. I still like him, but, i guess its the realization that we are worlds apart that lets it all sink in. I'm not even sure if anything will happen between us again. WIth him being so busy, and me having so many targets to hit. Feel like i'm in limbo... sighz

Superman got married

What a tiring day. It was raining cats and dogs since morning and all i could think about was, what a gloomy day for a wedding. It turned out fine. Went to the bride's place early in the morning to help them out. Turned out that close to 20 brothers came up to pick up the bride. Had about 6 cars. And i guess in a way, it was pretty grand. Then did the usual stuff that people do in the morning before sending all the philippine friends back to the hotel and also for me to rush off for my meeting.
Headed back to the hotel after that to once again help out with whatever they needed help with before proceeding to witness their solemization. It was a touching moment for me once again. I guess somehow, being a romantic at heart, i love to watch people get married. It fulfills the criterion of my fairytale world. Anyway, went back upstairs to doll up after the short session of hearing two people that i've come to love say I DO.
Spent a fair amount of time dolling up. It did help that i had professionals doing my hair and makeup. Felt like i was a star last night as well. And i guess it was reassuring that everyone comment just how beautiful and ladylike i looked. And women never tire of hearing compliments. Saw TG finally at about 7.45pm. He wasnt all that late. And i guess i was pretty pleased when he said, wow, u look beautiful tonight. But that was all the good stuff for the rest of the night. From there, the night went downhill.
I was looking forward to sitting next to him during dinner. If not, why bother dressing up and dolling up and also putting in so much effort to impress? And well, as with all good things coming to an end, we sat across each other at the same table. He spent the night talking to everyone at the table except me. Yu Beng and i talked to each other, more so coz we were bored with the dinner conversation that was going on around us. For a celebrity, he was sure a nice guy to chat with. haha. Was freezing cold as well. I mean with what little i wore, plus the rain, plus the aircon. And when i told TG that i was cold, he turned to his friend and ask his friend to lend me his jacket. What a dork. Ended up borrowing a jacket from Lester. Damn.
And TG left straight after dinner, citing work and tiredness as his two reason. I did ask him why he chose not to seat next to me. And as usual, he had his own plethora of excuses, saying that he tot that sitting at the same table was all that mattered. And being the sweet mouth he was, he said, hey, no worries, lets meet up this week. Say Tuesday. And then he left.
I left coz i knew i would cry if i hung around any longer. TG messaged later to say he misunderstood me when i said sit together. And that there was no need for us to be so obvious. And at the same time, he said that maybe he missed my expectations. And i didn't feel good at all. So after that when i was more calm, i went back in to join the after dinner party. We drank and drank and drank. Didnt help that i was upset. So by close to 1, i was done with drinking, wanted my ciggies, but couldn't find them, so one of the best man accompanied me up to the room to pick up my pack, and that was the end of the night as far as i can remember. Haha
Woke up this morning with a major hangover, asleep on the couch and freezing. One of the guys later took a blanket and covered me. Real sweet of him. And when the rest of the drunk people woke up, i immediately hijacked a bed and slept till late afternoon. Still suffering from the effects of hangover while at dinner and meeting. Damn. Its been a while since i drank so much. Or maybe its just the mood.
Talked to TG a little on MSN today. And as usual, i feel like an idiot for being the way i was. I knew that the wedding was no place to discuss what happend, and it would have resulted in me being sad and crying. And i guess it wouldn't be nice if that happened. So, saved it for the evening when i saw him online. Now i finally understand what he meant by the fact that singaporeans are stupid sometimes as we do not know how to use words to aid us to avoid a confrontation, And it dawned on me just what he meant, i begin to wonder just what sort of friend has he been? Have all that he said been merely words> Words to pacify and words such that i would not stay pissed with hiM? Is he even a true friend?
Here's wishing the both of them the best. I really do love them like my sister and brother. And as i think how romantic it is, i question my own heart. Where is the line between realism and being romantic? Head vs heart. The ultimate question.

Where does compromise step in

Was having a discussion with a friend today. We both came from a party of sorts. There was a groom to be and a bride to be and many many overseas friends. This friend of mine didn't have dinner with us while the rest of us, overseas and local people consisting of Singaporeans, Koreans, Filipinos, China people all gathered to have dinner at this cafe.
As dinner came to a close, people started leaving and those that were proceeding to part 2 of the night stayed for a while more. The bride to be came over and joined a group of us to chat. So happens that most of those seated around me were going to be her "sisters" for the day. And as we discussed what we were going to do, we realised that much of the wedding plans were not set up yet. Now usually, i would brush it off, being a rather last minute person. However, it struck me as odd that the wedding was less then 48 hrs away and yet there is so much that is not done.
The bride to be was of course peeved by the groom to be. And so the stage looked set for another fight to break out. A neverending series of fights that have occurred throughout the whole preparation of their marriage. As friends of both the bride and groom, i empathise with the both of them. We have a playful groom, who thinks that everything can be settled with the bat of an eye, and we have a serious bride, who needs things planned to the most minute of details. How do two people with such vast personalities work things out?
When we finally proceeded to the venue for the party, tempers were once again rising. The bride to be took off home in a huff, her face was black and all around could tell that she was fuming. The groom carried on entertaining his friends, either oblivious to her exasperation or simply ignoring her. Now considering this same incident happened maybe a week ago, and again two weeks ago, and again three weeks ago, many of us were by now used to it. And some people pretended not to notice it, while some merely kept our mouths shut. When both parties are your friends, who do u speak up for? Whose side do you choose to stand on?
My friend and i finally got some down time after we left the party and chatted a little. It was obvious to the both of us that both the bride and the groom to be were stubborn and strong headed people with personalities to match. And it was even more scary that both parties choose not to compromise. And how then did they intend to work their marriage out? Why bother getting married in the first place? I have no wish to see them get divorced a yr, 2 yrs or 3 yrs down the road. Or must it take marriage before they learn the personalities of themself and learn to work around it?
Compromise is such a big word. And with big words come big actions. Exactly when do you stand firm for what you believe in and when do you learn to give in. And at which point is enough, really enough? These thoughts came to me today as i also shared with a girlfriend about the state of her relationship. Let's face it, i feel personally that almost all men cheat. There are a rare few that don't. And at the end of the day, are you willing to accept the fact that he still knows where is home and returns back home? Are you willing to accept the fact that he loves you still and is responsible for the house, yet feels a compelling need to go out and get a little variety once in a while?
Maybe i really am a xiaonuren at heart. Judging by my track record, i know i will be hurt if my bf or husband ever cheats on me. And yet, i know i will not choose to leave him unless i know there is no way we can salvage our realtionship. So when this friend shared with me his view, i guess the question to ask is WHY?
Then again, there are always two sides to a coin. If a guy loves and respect a girl or vice versa, then he/she would not cheat on their other half. And therefore, if there is loyalty and fidelity, then there is no need for the above arguement at all. And yet, in our not so perfect world, people often get tempted and as with the great saying, to err is human. Then what do you do about it?
As i watch with earnest as to this potential drama unfolding in front of me, i wonder and ponder about the many reasons why people cheat. And what exactly is the bottom line? When do you know thats it and when do you forgive a person and move on?
In conclusion to this discussion that my friend and i had, we both realised that all we can do as friends for this couple is to hope and pray that they will both realise their clash in personalities and learn to compromise, give and take and learn to respect one another. At the same time, as friends, we just have to be understanding and know they are doing their best, although of late, there have been comments as to not wanting to party with the couple coz of the staredowns. Oh well, what will happen will happen. Till i come up with more thoughts on this topic, cheerios

Goals

I went shopping for Superman's wedding today. Couldn't find anything that i really wanted. Looked at some stuff, was hoping to buy the blue dress i saw the other time, but apparently they don't have it anymore. Sighz.
Anyway, had dinner at that nice place at Taka that serves the nice tofu. Didn't have a pleasant time there this time round though. I guess i can attribute it to the fact that i'm not very adventurous when it comes to food. Ordered this noodle dish wrongly, so when it came, i was quite put off already. The smell and taste was just off for me. So settled for eating tofu. And since my friend ordered it for herself, i decided to order another serving of it. Now to make my already crappy dinner bad, they remembered to key in the order, but didn't bother to bring it to our table. I guess that pissed me off big time. And when i called for the bill, i had already lost my appetite. So when they bought the bill over, i mentioned that the dish had not arrived yet. And suddenly, the manager goes and brings it over. I mean, hello? I've already asked for the bloody bill. So i didn't accept the food and just settled for what we ate. I left my card with them, and somewhere in between, another waiter came with the food. Which part of the i am no longer interested did they not comprehend.
Oh well, my stomach is growling now. Stupid me for being stubborn. Sighz. But i really did lose my appetite then already. Anyway, a thought occurred to me today. I was sitting down, drafting a detailed plan of 2006 goals and resolution when i stop and wonder why do some people set goals. Why do some people not set goals. Why do some people set goals that they never bother fulfilling and some are so driven to fulfill their goals. And also, do u set little goals as in for each year, or must you first set your life goals, and then break it down to set little goals.
Therefore, if i am a big picture sort of person, i would first envision what achievements would i like to have before i die. Or for me to feel like i've succeeded in life. And then i would go into the nitty gritty details. But what if i am a small picture sort of person? Then does it mean that i am a person more concerned with the going ons of everyday and therefore, i live each day as it is?
As i looked deeper into the resolutions i made for 2006, i asked myself this question. How does it all tie up? How does it tie up to the big picture. And i guess the most important question is what is the big picture?
I will ponder more about this question as i also figure out what is it that i really want to achieve out of my existance here on earth. What do i want to contribute to society and what so i want to do that will be of influence to each and single person that i meet everyday.