Happiness is a side Effect - Darren and Dibba McNees

"It is the paradox of life that the way to miss pleasure is to seek it first. The very first condition of lasting happiness is that a life should be full of purpose, aiming at something outside self." - Hugh Black

Have you ever met someone who said, "I am way too happy, I need a little more sadness in my life"? That kind of statement is much like saying, "I wish there was less oxygen in the air so it wasn't so easy to breath." No, the exact opposite is true. People want more happiness in their life. It isn't possible to have too much.

The answer to the happiness question is as varied as the people who ask it. The exact formula for happiness is different for everyone; however, there are some basic principles that apply to all of us.

"Happiness... leads none of us by the same route." - Charles Caleb Colton

In this Moment we will share 8 points for you to ponder.

1. Happiness and pleasure derived from external sources are highly uncertain, temporary and subject to change.

As an example let's say that your partner comes home one day and gives you a wonderful heartfelt card. Reading it makes you feel happy. That glow can last for several hours even several days. What happens when that is the last card you ever receive from him or her? What happens to your happiness if the very next day he or she comes home and starts yelling at you for no reason?

What about the person who wins the lottery? Surely a windfall of money will increase one's happiness. Ironically, many if not most of these people end up worse off financially after they win than before they won.

Money can't buy happiness. Earning more of it can relieve pressure and give you more opportunities and choices in life, but i can't make you happy.

Expecting to receive happiness from your boss, a raise, a promotion, more money, your children, your spouse, your parents, your friends, the weather, etc. is very risky business. To place your current and future happiness in the hands of others and circumstances is a surefire way to set yourself up for a life of unhappiness. Becoming accountable and taking responsibility for your own happiness gives you the power to experience it.

"When I have been unhappy, I have heard an opera.. and it seemed the shrieking of winds; when I am happy, a sparrow's chirp is delicious to me. But it is not the chirp that makes me happy, but I that make it sweet." - John Ruskin

2. Happiness has more to do with what you give than what you get.

It's the Law of Reciprocity - give and you will receive. Some of the happiest people we know are the most giving. Give whatever you want more of in your life. And the best way to give is to expect nothing in return. Give more love, more kindness, more concern, more money, more forgiveness, more patience and more of your time and happiness is sure to follow.

"Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again - this is the brave and happy life." - J.E Buchrose

3. Happiness is found in doing the things that give your life meaning.

In short, life has more meaning when you believe that you are living your life on purpose and for a purpose.

It's important that you love what you do and do what you love. Your family life and responsibilities, your life's work, hobbies, charitable work and how you spend your free time must all bring a sense of meaning and accomplishment to your life. The kind of happiness this creates isn't necessarily the same feeling you get when you open a present, but rather feeling of fulfillment.

True happiness isn't living the say life; it's living a fulfilling life. Some of the most rewarding experiences in life are also the most challenging. That doesn't mean that you have to become the President of a Fortune 500 company in order to be happy. A friend of ours told us a story about someone that he had met that demonstrates our point.

Our friend Paul met a man who loved his job. This man was a trash collector, a garbage man. He couldn't wait to go to work each day to see what people were throwing away. He also made it a point to take home some of the items that he liked. He loved what he did for a living and couldn't imagine doing anything else.

That's what we're talking about - do what you love and love what you do.

Don't look for happiness - look for an opportunity to make a difference.

"If you pursue happiness you'll never find it." - C.P Snow

One of the quickest ways to make a difference is by helping someone in need. Reach out and touch someone's life with a smile, a kind or encouraging word or by lending a helping hand. It doesn't take much to make a difference.

"in about the same degree as you are helpful, you will be happy." - Karl Reiland

4. Happiness isn't something to be sought after, but rather a byproduct of a life well lived.

"Happiness is not a station to arrive at, but a manner of traveling." - Margaret Lee Runbeck

5. Don't compare yourself with others.

"I just want to be an ordinary girl." - Princess Stephanie of Monaco

So what if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Why let that diminish your happiness? Live your life and let others live theirs. You aren't supposed to be like someone else. You are unique. What others have or don't have, say or don't say, do or don't do, doesn't add to or take away from the fact that you are a unique and fantastic person.

"If we only wanted to be happy it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are." - Charles de Montesquieu

6. Be the best you that you can and never mind what others are doing.

Happiness comes from a healthy self-love.

"Most true happiness comes from one's inner life, from the disposition of the mind and soul. Admittedly, a good inner life is difficult to achieve, especially in these trying times. It takes reflection and contemplation and self-discipline." - E.L. Shirer

The only way to truly be happy with someone else is to first be happy with yourself. This is a very important point to grasp especially within the context of our intimate relationships.

So how do you become happy with yourself? Well, that is where the life-long pursuit of self-discovery and self-growth comes into play.

7.Beware of false happiness.

"False happiness is like false money it passes for a long time as well as the true, and it serves some ordinary occasions; but when it is brought to the touch, we find the lightness and alloy, and feel the loss." - Alexander Pope

This world is full of people who have looked for happiness in fame and fortune, success and achievement, relationships and experiences and have come up empty handed. One reason for this, as mentioned earlier, is misdirection (pursuing something with the goal being happiness) and another is selfishness.

Wanting fame, fortune, success, achievement and relationships for purely selfish reasons will never lead to lasting happiness. And achieving these things at the expense of others is a recipe for unhappiness.

Fame without accountability, fortune without generosity, success without integrity, achievement without priority and relationships without respect - all of these are but an illusion of success and happiness. But in the end, they show themselves to be only hollow counterfeits of the original.

"True happiness... is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose." - Helen Keller

Wanting to better your life isn't wrong, but selfishness is. You can still strive for personal excellence while at the same time making a positive impact in your environment.

8. Happiness shared is happiness gained

"A joy that's shared is a joy made double."

According to Charles de Montesquieu, "False happiness," as mentioned above, "renders men stern and proud, and that happiness is never communicated. True happiness renders kind and sensible, and that happiness is always shared."

Share your happiness and good fortune with others and take joy in their accomplishments as well. When someone tells you good news, be excited for him or her. Applaud when a friend does something great. Praise a child for minor as well as major achievements. Compliment others and always look for people doing things right.

Increasing your happiness may not be as simple as improving your backhand in tennis, but it's something you can govern.

Be thankful in the good times and when in sorrow, know that this too will pass. Every morning gives us the chance to start all over again and every challenge gives us the opportunity to grow.

"Yes, there is Nirvana; it is in leading your sheep to a green pasture, and in putting your child to sleep, and in writing the last line of your poem."

My thoughts

My Understanding of You
From all that you've told me about yourself, this is what i have gathered from our 5 months together and the little bits and pieces that i've pieced together. ( Like a jigsaw puzzle =))

For most of your childhood, times were tough. But it was fun. You had a ball of a time as a kid, and you have deep and great respect for your Mum. Coz u appreciated the amount of effort and energy that it took for her to bring all of you up especially while your Dad was away.

Over the years, because of your loving nature, your kindness, and sometimes not knowing how to stand up for yourself, you have been hurt deeply. Which is why, you fear dishonesty and disloyalty from your friends and especially your loved ones. In a way, the fear became so bad, that you started to alienate people around you because you felt that they might all be wanting something from you or might eventually end up hurting you.

So, it seems like there are a lot of people that you know, and a lot of people that know you. But you've never been able to open up to anyone for fear of being hurt and being betrayed.

And thus, you keep a lot of your thoughts and feelings to yourself. And yet, everyone in this world needs someone that they can talk to, someone that they can trust. Because that is the nature of man kind. And that is where your wife comes in.

I believe, in your times of sadness and unhappiness, she came into your life and showed you love. Showed you that there is at least someone who would hold your hand and tell you that things are going to be alright. That no matter how bad things get, she will be there. That she was probably someone you felt that you could count on for the rest of your life. And for that reason, you fell for her.

Although you probably had other friends at the point when you met her, you were still suspicious of them and felt that they could not connect with you at the level which you needed to connect with them at. You probably felt that she had a deep understanding of who you were. But that was also because you were emotionally hurt at that point of time. So anyone who had come along, who had made the effort to spend time with you, care for you, loved you, showed you that they had no ill intentions would have made the cut.

Because you were also scared and lonely then, you spend a lot more time thinking and reflecting and the greatest fear of all human kind is FEAR of loneliness. And she was there at the right time and right place i guess. You were after all human and needed to have someone to share yourself with, the places that you've been, the things you've done. To give each other support and encouragement, to touch and feel each other. You hated that cold and lonely feeling. And she was there to bring some warmth and take that lousy lonely feeling away.

The Road You've Taken
Over these last couple of years, i feel that you have yet to put all your emotional baggage aside. There is still this great fear inside you. The fear of once again being lonely, not having anyone by your side to see you through life's challenging moments. And therefore, you cling on to the one thing that you know best at this point of time. Which is your wife. Or maybe over the years of being with her, you have truly come to appreciate and love her for the person that she is. And i must say she is a great and wonderful woman.

At the same time, there is a recurring theme that comes up in our past conversations. As i only have your version of the story, i have to take everything with a little pinch of salt. The fact is that, there is still this fear inside you. I remembered you told me once that your wife did leave you for a while while you were dating to see another man. And that fear has been inside you because you fear that she might one day leave you and you will be back to the time where there is no one by your side, no one you can trust, no one to give you love and warmth, no one to hold your hand. And all these are really scary feelings.

Having fear in a relationship might not be a bad thing. It might sometimes bring two people to further cherish what they have and time spent together will be more meaningful and useful rather then time spent arguing and fighting. However, when this fear does not help us, but in fact stops us from doing what our hearts and mind want us to do, that is when it is a bad thing.

The Missing Element
I'm not sure what the missing element is in your marriage. Coz only you have the answer to what is lacking, missing, that causes you to run out and look for LOVE outside. Because judging by the amount of 'i love yous' that fly back and forth between you and your wife, there is still something that these words cannot replace. Something specific that you are looking for.

From what i've seen and understood of you in this short time that we've known each other, i feel that you are no different from other human beings. Please don't take me wrongly. You are a really special and unique person in my heart. Yet, at the same time, you are no different from any man, woman on the street. Because, like any human being, you strive for companionship, you strive to be surrounded by other human beings. But here's the dilemma for you. You want human company, and yet you are afraid that these people might eventually hurt or harm you. And thus, you keep doing this little dance of yours, two steps forward, one step back.

Or maybe your ideas of Love is so grand that no one can match up to them. Maybe too many love novels? That only through death can real love be demonstrated? Truth is, love is just love. There are a lot of things you will do for a loved one. And you just know that there are no limits and boundaries. There is no need for the words to be said. In some ways, the love is unconditional. Filled with warmth, understanding, communication, trust and the most important of all, forgiveness.

What is Love?
How do you know you've fallen in love? You know because you can feel the amount of understanding that goes on between two people. You might not have known each other for a long time, and yet, somehow, you feel that you've known this person all your life. You feel safe with the person. You feel warmth. You feel like all you want to do is take this person into your arms.

Each of us have our ideas of how love should be. No one is right, no one is wrong. Once a long time ago, i told you that i stay faithful and loyal in a relationship because everyday, i find new things to love about the person that i am with. Which is why, i cannot say i love you from day one, neither do i believe in love at first sight. Because, love takes understanding, communication and trust. And all these cannot be built with one simple glance.

Each day when i see you, i find something about you that i didn't notice the day before. And for that simple reason, i love you more and more. But end of the day, to love is a choice. Everyone of us have a choice whether we want to acknowledge that love or not. And how much we want to love. Love also means forgiveness when i feel that you've hurt me either directly or indirectly.

I am no saint. I am no Buddha or i am not GOD. There will be times when i also face emotional turmoil, or i lose my cool. There will be times when i am scared of losing you as well and therefore do not share myself with you.

Where do i fit in?
When i first knew you, you struck me as someone who was searching. Someone who was lost, someone who was reaching out. At the same time, i was reaching out. So i guess it boils down to the word TIMING. You constantly reassured me that you'll be holding my hand no matter what happens and it made me feel so comfortable with you. You also made me believe that you knew that this was what you wanted. That you were sure of US. Because remember, i wrote earlier that the greatest fear anyone has in the world is the fear of loneliness. And as i got to know you more each day, lines of imperfection started to appear. That didn't make me walk away, didn't stop me from loving you more.

Because in my world, love is accepting and loving you for who you are despite your flaws, your imperfections. That there were times when i felt that you hurt me, and yet, i didn't stop loving you despite of that hurt. That's my idea of love and it might be different from you. Many times i have told you that i'll always be around to hold your hand, until the day you no longer want or need me to. But there was always one thing which i knew. That for two people to be together, they must be constantly helping each other grow to become better people. They must understand and accept each other strengths and weaknesses and do their best to complement each other. That there must be a constant vision of where they want to go and who they eventually want to be and how each person can help the other person achieve their dreams.

But more importantly, before a relationship can reach that point, or before a relationship can grow, there must be a BELIEF. As with all things we do in our lives, it all starts out as a belief. Do you believe you would be a horseman? Do you believe you can cook? Do you believe that your mum loves you unconditionally? And do you believe in US? If there is no such believe, then the truth is we are both wasting our time. Because, the it takes two hands to clap. And i can never build this relationship up on my own.


The person i choose to Love
I have always understood that love is never a 50-50 thing. I also believe that love is a feeling which you project for others. What do i mean by that? When you say you love your partner, the image of the person constantly pops up in your mind. When you are faced with a difficulty, the image o the person gives you a little more courage to deal with the problems that you are facing with. That you cherish each moment spent with the person and long for the person when the person is not there. You wish to tell the person even the smallest of things that happened in your day. When you are with the person, you don't have to hear the i love you, to FEEL the understanding, love, patience, care that the person has for you. Sometimes, just looking at you, the person knows what's on your mind or if there is something bugging you. You feel that you are not alone out there. And you know you have someone who really cares about you. You have your own friends whom you enjoy going out with, but you know that no matter where you go, whom you meet or what you do, you'll never feel as deep a love as you have for this person.

Love also comes at a price. If I say i love a person, then there will be things that i have to do that might sometimes inconvenience me. If you have ever read books or novels about love, then the love stories all have their tale to tell. Lovers not being able to get together, lovers having to die eventually. Remember the story of Romeo and Juliet? They believed in their love. Their love didn't come easy. Of course not all love stories are like that.

Why Marriage?
If you ask me if i believe in marriage, the my answer is YES! Do two people who love each other dearly definitely have to get married? Marriage is a commitment with the person that you love. Remember your wedding vows? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death do us part. I suppose when you truly love this person, it is something that you'll believe in and strive to do.

Someone not keeping their part of the vows doesn't mean you don't keep yours. If that is the case, then you are no different from the person that broke it. Don't stoop to someone else's level. Keep your own level and know what it is you want.

People don't keep their marriage vows because many people take the vows lightly. Either that or the person you married in the first place wasn't the person you really truly loved.

What you Told Me...
Remember you told me this afternoon about the 3 women in your life. The wife, the lover and the good friend. I think differently. I believe, that when you love someone, you would want this person to be all three rolled into one. Again, my ideas of love might not be the same as yours.

I believe the man i call my husband will be my best friend, someone that i can share my problems with. Someone that i enjoy going out with. Someone that will open his heart and mind to me. Someone that will be there to share my day with. I will have other male friends, but no one can replace the position of best friend that my husband has. I also believe my husband will be my greatest lover. That our love making session will be unique and even when we're old and aged, my husband will still enjoy tenderly kissing me, while we will still be passionate about each other. I also want to be the best friend my husband has. Sure, no marriage comes without fights and arguments. But we'll always be able to forgive each other because we love each other. We'll always be able to sit down calmly and talk to one another even after we've had the biggest disagreements.

But this sort of thing doesn't come easy. Of course having the right partner helps. And both parties wanting the same things helps as well. Is it possible? Of course it is. Because when you truly love a person, when you truly feel for a person, you would never want to hurt a person, and the feelings of comfort is just amazing. You will find new things to love each day about the person. That you will have no eyes for other people that come your way. Most importantly, you must first believe and trust that person.

My Words to you
No one other than you can make all of it happen. When you are unhappy with your wife, have you sat her down to tell her what you feel, how you feel and how she can help you? Or do you keep it bottled up? But before all that, do you really know what you want? What is it that you want from a relationship/marriage. If it is simply someone to be there with when you go home at night, then any woman will do. But realize that not every relationship works out. What is it that you really want? How do you view your relationship to be? And after you've sorted out your own thoughts, think of what you can do to make the current situation better. Know this as well, that if your partner loves you dearly, the person would put in effort to make it work and make it happen. Unless of course both of you have totally different visions. Then, you have to once again make a choice. Do you think for the rest of your life you can settle for less or do you not?

If you choose not to settle for less, then all great things come at a cost and a price. You need to stand up for what you believe in. And in the process, you might fall down once, twice. But know that there will always be people around for you to reach out to. I promise you, that when you reach out, someone's hand will be there. You are more lucky then anyone that i know. You have a Mum that dotes and love you, 3 children that adore you and hero worship you. =)

If you choose not to rock the boat because you are afraid of confrontations, then you can also choose to be happy. Happy with what you have and who you have. Be contented.

I love you dearly and hope that you will continuously strive for the best. Maybe like your mum? She also hopes you strive for the best and hopes that you will be happy. I also wish that of you. Not that i'm your mum lah =P Anyway, i hope my long long email has helped you in some ways. Like your mum, she'll never let go of your hand when you need her hand. But she also knows when you are a big boy already and need to take certain journeys on your own. I assure you, that i'll always be around too to hold your hand when you need me. That even if we go back to being just friends, i am always just a phone call away. That is my word and my promise to you. For the rest of my life! But if you choose to want to work at us, then you must show me your belief and conviction. And as much as i can be understanding and love you, i must also feel your love. If not, my belief and conviction will also run out one day.

Telling the Truth is a Loving Act - Michael Angier

The tendency in most organizations-- whether large companies,government departments or even family units-- is not to rock the boat and refrain from telling our truth. For a variety of reasons, we hold back from saying what's true for us. We may fear being ostracized, held up for promotion, ridiculed or even fired.
But that's not the way to greatness; that's the way to mediocrity or even failure. To grow, we have to tell the truth -- OUR truth.
I'm talking here about sharing what we believe, what we feel and what we think about things that matter.
Sometimes we hold back because we're protecting the person or persons we need to confront. Maybe we're not sure they can handle the truth. But we do them and ourselves a great disservice when we withhold our point of view. Telling the truth truly is a loving act.
Can you overdo it? Sure. And you should never use this to dump your judgments, righteous opinions or harsh criticisms onto another person. That's not what I'm advocating at all.
I'm recommending that we tell the truth with compassion. I'm suggesting we have the courage to speak up and let the chips fall where they may. If we've done our best to tell the truth with compassion, if we've been honest, if we've been genuine, and if we've not let our emotions cloud our judgment, we'll have done our part. As long as we've done it absent of malice or ulterior motives, it should be well received.
From time to time it will not be received well. When it isn't, we should make every attempt to be sure we've told our truth as responsibly and as compassionately as possible. As i've often said, the truth will set you free, but first it may tick you off.
It's not often easy to tell the truth. But it IS the path to EXCELLENCE> And it does get easier.

Action Point: What are your withholds? Where in your life are you holding back? What's been left unsaid that stands in the way of open, honest, clear communication and relationship?
With whom do you need to get clear? What do you need to communicate in order to feel complete?

Top 10 Ways to Confront without being Combative

1. Tell your truth with compassion
Always remember that your objective is to share your insight. It's not to be right or belittle the other. People can't hear and you can't inspire when you've triggered their defense mechanisms.

2. Seek first to understand
Before you confront or criticize, make sure you understand the situation. Your assumption may not be accurate. Take the time to understand as best as you can.

3. Ask questions.
No one likes to be told what to do. Used in the right way, questions can enlighten. "Would you be open to a suggestions?" "Are you aware that you do X?" "Have you ever considered doing X instead of Y?" "Would you be willing to do this differently?"

4. Speak from a position of personal responsibility.
"When you do this I feel this way. When you do thus and so, it affects me in this way."

5. Keep your emotions out of it.
If you have strong emotion attached to the situation you're probably in judgment of the other person. If your issues are triggered, it will likely obscure or distort the communication.

6. Start with a compliment.
Challenge the best that's within them. "I know you're committed to doing your best and what I saw today doesn't seem consistent with that commitment." Confront the behavior, not the person. Use the word "and" instead of "but" after a compliment.

7. Avoid sarcasm.
Leave this technique to TV sitcoms. It has no place when telling the truth with compassion.

8. Avoid absolutes
When you use words like "all", "every" and "never," you dilute the power of your statement. They serve to antagonize and it's rare these absolute adverbs are ever true.

9. Pick an appropriate time.
If possible, choose a time and a place that will enhance your message being heard with an open mind. Timing does matter.

10. Don't be attached to the outcome.
Say your peace without trying to control the behavior of the other person. Your responsibility is to deliver the message in a way that is understood, not to force change or control behavior.

11. Bonus: Don't "should" on people - or yourself for that matter.
When we tell people they should do something, we are subtly- or not so subtly- attempting to manipulate their behavior and we are judging them.

Nothing Can Stop You From Being Free

Many years ago, a young man set out on a journey to find a Sage to help him with his struggles with himself and his life. When he began this journey, he had only one thing in mind - an end to his pain.

He was told of an old man who lived far away in the mountains who had special powers - and the young man knew this old man could help him finally put an end to his demons and his struggles.

After journeying for what seemed to be years, the young man found the mountain range where the old man lived. He thought to himself, "My problems are nearly over!".

When he found the old man and asked him "Old man, I"m told you can help me rid myself of all my struggles and hardship - can you help me?"

The old man replied, "I'm sorry to disappoint you my young friend, but I cannot help you"

"But why? - I've come all this way - you have to help me!", the young man exclaimed.

"I cannot rid you of any of your problems, you can only do that for yourself" - the old man said.

"But you can't deny me the very thing i came all this way to find!", said the young man.

The old man took a deep breath and said: "I cannot deny you anything, you can only deny yourself".

"But, but.... I demand you help me -now! I've struggled for months to find you and I am not leaving until you help me" - the young man replied.

"My young friend, in time you will learn, the harder you struggle, the more will slip from your grasp. Learn to let go, step back from what you call "problems" and just observe the frantic attempts your false self makes at trying to save itself."

"The more you do this - the more you are certain of finally being free."

Th young man paused... took a deep breath and pondered the old man's wisdom. "help me with this old man... In order to be truly free, all I need to do is to step back and observe?"

"Yes, my young friend - take a deep breath and be intensely curious about your life situations - just like a child - whenever a problem arises, step back from the problem and just watch it, observe it, and let go of trying to solve it. "

"The rest will handle itself"

"But what about my worldly obligations? -bills, job, responsibilities you know - I can't just give them up?"

"Ahh, my young friend, you can let go of the conditioned minds feeble attempts at trying to fight against itself. When this inner struggle ceases, you have found the very freedom you've been seeking all theses years"

"I think I'm beginning to understand", said the young man.

"Indeed, I believe you are" said the old man.

"safe journey my young friend", I will see you again....

"Thank you old man - you've helped me beyond words"

"you are very welcome"



As a child, have you ever been to the beach or the playground and picked up sand? I remembered as a child, i loved the beaches. Very often, i'll use my hands to scoop up sand and bring it to my parents to show them. As a child holding on to the sand, i learned a very important lesson that was later transferred to how i viewed life.
If i allowed the sand to sit loosely in my hands, then by the time i reached my parents, they would still see the remnants of sand in my hands. However, when i clutch my fists in the attempt to hold on tightly to the sand, they easily slipped through my fingers. At first as a child, i was disturbed and upset. I wanted to keep the sand in my hand and therefore i had to hold it as tightly as possible. No? But subsequently, as i grew older, i realized that the lessons that i drew from the incident as a child, easily transferred to relationships.
The tighter i held on to a relationship because i was afraid of losing it, the higher the chance of losing it. Just like in the story of the boy who held the bird in his hands. If he held it too tightly, he crushed the bird and caused it's death.
By keeping my hands open and allowing the sand or in the case of the boy, the bird some space, we keep what we have.
Truth is, everyone needs their own space to grow and breathe.
I wish you understanding and wisdom so that you too can be free!

Comfort Zone or Danger Zone - Paul Huff

Our comfort zone is the living, working and social environments that we have grown accustom to. It determines the type of people we associate with, the lifestyle we accept or reject, our goals and aspirations, our performance level and the very quality of life we have. It's called our "comfort zone" because it's where we experience minimal discomfort. It's a place where we feel a sense of security and certainty. It's a nice, pleasant, cozy little hideaway we've made for ourselves. It's also a dangerous place to be.

Individuals and organizations are generally found in one of those following three comfort zone categories:

1) They are in their comfort zone and want to stay there. Individuals and organizations that find themselves in this category are basically in No-Man's Land. They have accepted the status quo as their destiny; therefore, no progress can be made.

2) They were suddenly thrust from our comfort zone and want back in. Organizational change has forced many people out of their comfort zone. They want to know when the changes will stop so they can get back to what is comfortable, what is safe. But there is no safety there. In fact, the bigger danger lies there.

3) They are dissatisfied with current conditions and want to move to another comfort zone. Dissatisfaction is a prerequisite to improvement. In order to grow and change, we must first be unhappy with our current state. To change our life style, establish a business, or succeed at a challenging project, we must realize that all meaningful and lasting changes come as a result of discomfort.

Over the course of our lives, we have learned to associate "comfortable" with good and "discomfort" with bad. Yet, all human progress is born out of discomfort. Every invention, from the telephone to the trash compactor, has been fueled by our dissatisfaction with existing alternatives. Organizations go from good to great because somebody decides that "good: is not good enough.

Likewise, individuals can only improve the quality of their relationships, health, finances and career when they are dissatisfied with their current situation. That's why our comfort zone is really our danger zone. Progress cannot be made and results cannot be improved upon from a position of comfort. Things get better when we become uncomfortable.

We must be willing to give up the life we have in order to create a better one. We must be willing to give up the certainty of what is in order to create the possibility of what might be. Certainly, when we date to tread outside our comfort zone, we may lose temporary footing. But not to dare means losing the person we could become, the life we could create, the expanded role we could play in the company, in the community and in the world.

Another Face Recognition..=)

Face Recognition

Getting Along With People - Zig Ziglar

Many years ago I heard a story concerning a Native American who said to a visiting missionary, "I like myself better when I am with you." That really is the ultimate compliment. When you make people feel better about themselves, you also feel better about yourself.

In Personnel Journal we read some excellent advice: "Everyone needs to feel he counts for something. If you recognize that need in dealing with people, you will learn to get along with them. Simply show by your actions that you know the other person is quite a person and watch his response. Lord Chesterfield told his son, 'Make the other person like himself a little bit more and I promise you that he will like you very much indeed.' This is one of the most valuable keys to successful human relations. Use it to make additional friends, to get more cooperation,to add magnetism to your personality.

Former insurance executive Walter Hailey adds to this when he advises salespeople to learn about the other person and his business, the more your prospect will assume that you know how to solve his problems. Not only that, he will think you are especially nice and very bright indeed.

How to Disagree and Still Win

No one likes to be corrected, even when they are absolutely wrong. Your prospect tells you he would never buy your product because it doesn't have the capacity to cross-file data to the 102nd mega-degree. You know that's not true, yet, if you come right out and tell him he's wrong, he'll resent you for it.

You could convince him logically of the fact that your product not only can cross-file data to the 102nd mega-degree (no, I have no clue what that means), but could also do it at the speed of light, while blindfolded.

The chances are, he will still say "no". He'll find a way to say "no" to protect his position anyway he has to because he feels his ego has been bruised.

Would you agree with that? At least nine times out of ten, right? We've all seen it happen.

Your boss gives you back a report you handed in and asks you to correct one area that you know was right. You researched it, checked and double checked it and you know it's right.

How do you suppose your boss will respond, however, if you simply tell her she's wrong, that your report is right? Is there a chance her ego may not appreciate that and she'll find a way to make it and you wrong, or look for something wrong on your next report? Unless this person is an extraordinary human being, you bet she will!

Why take a chance? Phrase your disagreement in a way the other person can live with and even appreciate. Take the onus off them and put it on your own 'lack of understanding'. This is truly winning without intimidation.

When having to disagree with someone's incorrect statement in order to get your point across and get what you want, it's often best to lead into the correction with statements such as, "Correct me if I'm wrong..." or, " I don't understand..." or, "Could you clarify something for me...?"

Pat tells you he can't deliver your new furniture by Friday. You "react" by saying, " You did it the same day for Dave Sprazinski on a special delivery order!"

Instead, why not "respond" with, "Joe, correct me if I'm wrong - you know these things much better than I do -weren't you able to get my friend Dave Sprazinski's furniture to him on some sort of, I don't know, special delivery order?"

Marjorie says, "I don't like how that looks in this particular order." Two days earlier, that's exactly the order she wanted it in and correcting it would cost you a whole lot of time and money. But if you come right out and tell her that, she probably won't budge an inch.

Why not lead into your statement with, "Marjorie, could you clarify something for me, because I want you to be totally pleased. I interpreted what you said to look this way. It really does work great, too, your judgement was right on the mark. Can we review this step-by-step?"

Keep in mind, when you have to correct someone who is wrong, you need to do this without offending them and their ego. Use diplomatic phrases that allow you to tactfully move into the information you need to express in order to get agreement from that person.


Get your point across without offending anyone and putting the person in a defensive mode. If not, even the best ideas will be wasted on deaf ears, because all the person is thinking at that point of time is, i'm not wrong, or it's not my fault or, you don't appreciate me. Test it out! Good luck!

Look Up and Paddle Hard

When i was 4 years old, I had a tricycle. I rode on it with all the gusto in the heart of a kid. I was happy, but I didn't like the paddling aspect of riding. It was "hard work" and tedious, so most times, I was pushed. I always needed help. Most times I begged for it. The cycle of dependency continued. A light push on a slope. Oh my! The downward roll was a thrill. A sure one. How I loved it. Now another problem, I always needed a slope. That means I was always returning to one spot. Static Movement.

Later on in life, I was too big to be on a tricycle. Learning how to ride a bicycle was the next thing to do. The next phase, so in a way i have graduated from the tricycle cadre. With all amount of youthful ecstasy and exuberance, I decided to learn how to use a bicycle. The only place I could get a bicycle to use was in my mum's village, where we go for holidays, once in about two years with my father's permission.

The next holiday, I was on my way to the village and next on the agenda was learning itself. One of my buddies decided to help me out;. He was a good rider. So we started the lessons. After the first trial he told me, "Don't look at the ground, if not you'll be scared and that will lead to loss of concentration. Look up and paddle hard." That advise to me was foolishness in a three-piece suit. The truth of the matter was that I wanted to learn riding in my own way. "How can I look up? I have to look down to see how I'm paddling" I fired back. Moreover, I thought to myself, that advice is from the village guy, I'm the one from town and I sure do have my way of doing things. With every thought and action of mine, I fought that principle of riding. The end result was that, I left the village after the holidays and didnt learn how to ride. This was way back in 1988.

Every time in class, when my mates talked about bicycles and their riding experience, I just excuse myself with the fact that " I didn't always have a bicycle when I was younger. I'm quite old now". Even when they offered to teach me the how of it, I declined. I was immobilized by my past failures. I never wanted to be laughed at. every break period, I watch others "fly" on their bikes. All I did was wish how I could be like them but to take the first step to be like them, I never ventured. i wish I could. I should have. All a bash of wishful thinking.

Then in 1995, I had private lessons in one of my teacher's house. The family had a bike and I watched the kids, young and old, strut their stuff on the bike. Some how I got into a private conversation with one of them and she told me she learned how to ride the previous year. Then it dawn on me that I wasn't late on learning. I know that you are not born with riding skills. You acquire it! I had no more excuses. Quickly, I confided in my buddy, Aniefiok Enoh, about my inadequacy. One evening we secured the bike for a private lesson and went out together. After my initial trials he noticed I had a problem. He stared at me eyeball-to-eyeball and said, "Believe you can do it and you'll do it. Don't look at the ground. Look up and paddle hard". That hit me like a thunderbolt.

I've heard that before or does Aniefiok stay in my mother's village? NO! He was only relaying a universal principle. I did as he said and that evening, I learned how to ride. That evening I got something I wouldn't trade for anything. It was the thrill of fulfillment. A delicious gladness and the unmistaken joy that swept my soul. A boyish grin that pushed my cheek upward was all over me and that grin I tell you could swallow a banana sideaways. That day, I realized I didn't need to be Jackie Chan, in order to ride a bicycle! I also learned from that experience that you don't wish success into being. YOu work at it. You look out for the underlying principle behind an operation, work wit it and with God on your side, success is scheduled. This is no magic. It's real. In order to get something that you don't have, you have to do something you have never done before. Get out of your comfort zone, stretch, strain, train, and aim. Before you know it, you are in. The Coliseum wasn't an accident, Faith Tabernacle, Ota was not wished into existence, Microsoft Corporation wasn't a mistake. Men worked on their dreams, they persisted, they brought forth and you are seeing it.

So let's come down to level ground. What's that dream of yours? That vision, that hope. Is it starting that business or proposing to that lady, going back to school? Then pick up the courage, cage the fear and do it. If it's hard, then do it hard. Enjoy the abundant life. Share in the thrill of fulfillment. This phenomenon is inexplicable but let me try to describe it. I's flying without wings, It's waking up to see that your dream was real, i's walking on air with the stars beneath you.

I will see you on the mountaintop where I'm heading. To get there, Remember... "Don't look at the ground. LOOK UP AND PADDLE HARD"

Scripting Your Life - Carol Gates

I remember a day some time ago when I felt overwhelmed by a mountain of trouble I really didn't want to climb. At the time, I had a hefty list of people and events, which I named and blamed for all the trouble, and my own name was notably missing from that list. Considering my unpleasant mood, it was a blessing indeed that a friend hung around long enough to pass along some advice which really got my attention. After listening as long as he could to the short version of my dilemma, he abruptly stood up and suggested, "Well, as sad as all that may be, it's just a photograph in time - it's not your whole motion picture, you know. Maybe it's time to re-write your script."

The instant those words were uttered, two visual images flashed across the screen of my mind: A tattered old black-and-white photograph lying in a memorabilia box, and the image of a major motion picture being played out on a screen in a dark theater before a large audience. I got the point - the big difference between freeze frame and live action - and experienced one of those "ah ha" moments which often launch a change for the better in our lives.

I began thinking about the milestone events which either froze me in my tracks or thrust me forward in the direction of my dreams. I closed my eyes and mentally hit the play button on the movie of my life so far, switching from fast forward to rewind, pausing certain scenes to observe what worked and what didn't work because of choices and actions on my part. I resisted the temptation to linger and mourn over missed opportunities and managed not to revel too long in celebration of past personal achievements. I simply spent some solitary time observing those life-changing events and the lessons they taught.

Then it hit me! I told myself, "This story isn't over - there's plenty of time remaining for such surprising twists and turns, and unexpected excitement! There's much more to write, perform, and produce." It occurred to me that I had been letting the story of my own life ramble, that it needed attention and direction. I had to know what i wanted in order to write a cohesive, congruent script. I was filled with a sense of urgency to being editing and producing a motion picture with impact, purpose and meaning. I began Scripting My Life.

I immediately discovered that scripting your Life is quite possibly the hardest work you will ever do. As a matter of fact, some people will argue that it's not even possible... that we don't have that much control over our own destinies. So the question is: How can you control your life script? It's been said that we only have complete control over two things in life: Our thoughts and our behaviors. Since every word we speak or action we take begins with a thought, it follows then, that our thoughts are the one thing we truly control. And our habitual thoughts, the thoughts we linger upon and focus our attention upon throughout our day, eventually show up in our lives as wishes come true. Therefore, in order to script your own life story, you must become the master of your thoughts.

In essence, it is our thoughts that write the story line we then act out through our words and actions. For instance, suppose that, as a small child, you may have seen another group of children playing on the playground and you longed to join them, yet you held on to a thought that said, "They won't want to play with me." Beliveing it, you hung back away from the group, alone. Then later, perhaps as a teenager, you considered trying out for a sports team, or joining the high school yearbook committee, and that same old voice whispered, "They probably wouldn't want me on that team, or that committee..." so you passed on the idea. And perhaps, at a later time in your life, as a young adult, you saw someone across a room to whom you were instantly attracted and decided to ask them for a date, but before you stepped up, that old voice said, "Who am I kidding? He/she probably won't want to go out with me anyway." Same thought, different day, scripting your life and creating missed opportunities.

What if you could re-write the script and create a new set of circumstances just by changing your way of thinking? You could do so by replacing the old limiting thoughts with positive new statements, such as, "I step out to do things I have never done in order to have things I have never had." Or, "I am important. My every thought, word and action makes a difference."

None of this is meant to suggest you can change your life simply by walking around with your head in the clouds repeating happy phrases. To the contrary, it takes vigilant attention and lots of practice to notice and then master your thoughts in order to script your own life story. You might catch yourself on a negative wavelength many times throughout the day and you might grown exhausted from the effort of turning those thoughts around. Like any endeavor, it takes a willingness to work at it combined with lots and lots of practice.

It's helpful to have reminders, trigger devices, strategically placed to help you pause and notice your thoughts all throughout the day. For instance, you might place a sticky note on your bathroom mirror that asks. "What are you thinking right now?" Or wear a special reminder bracelet on your arm, or hang a special keepsake from the rearview mirror of your car, or place a reminder item on your desk at work. The most important thing is to notice what you are thinking all throughout your day and then to replace any negative thoughts with something positive, empowering and productive.

I have been consciously practicing a better way of thinking for a while and the results have been amazing. Oh, sure, there are still mountains of trouble that sometimes cross my path, but a better way of thinking helps me to step right up and tackle the climb. So, what are you thinking right now? Does it support what you really want? Congratulations! You are Scripting Your Life...As You Wish!

Take Time To 'Fil 'Er Up' - Rhonda Hull

Have you ever been late for an appointment thinking there wasn't enough time to stop for gas, only to sputter, cough, and run out along the way? You then spend three times as much time cursing at the side of the road waiting for help than it would have taken to stop and 'fill up'.

In our busy lives we operate by the myth that speed is a requirement for success. Although it is a perspective that elicits a gasp from hardcore overachievers, the real truth is that focus is more fruitful than speed.

Often what appears to be speed is instead a refined art of spinning our wheels. This blind spot leaves us driven by an ever-increasing volume of information with the expectation that we must go faster and faster to handle it all.

We mistakenly believe that if we figure out how to do more in less time we will somehow be able to get it all done! Honestly, is there ever really an end to the TO-DO list?

Less than100 years ago over a two year period of time people took in information equivalent to what we are bombarded with each and every day? No wonder we feel so overwhelmed! We force ourselves ahead by the false belief that we must keep up with and digest the ever-increasing speed of information.



This mode of traveling the road of life is a certain method of self-sabotage and doesn't leave much time to enjoy the scenery along the way.

Durable happiness and authentic productivity become our traveling companions when we learn to identify our personal values, accept our worth, embrace our strengths and nurture our own well being.

If we don't stop to refuel our inner spirit we will get nowhere fast. We will be no further ahead, running on empty in the fast lane, and eventually will run out of gas still stuck in the same old rut.

Even though stress related illnesses are one of the leading causes of death, for some of us it would take a miracle to slow our pace.

Although we often aren't quite sure where we are going, we're making suck good time we refuse to consider stopping. The bad news is that we will stop one-way or another!

The good news is that miracles are time efficient. they are prompted by a shift in perception that allows us to realize the benefits of a more conscious pace. Durable happiness comes to us rather than is something we chase when we dare to drive-in rather than search outward for answers.

Happiness is not something you figure out, but rather invite in. When we take a YOU-TURN inward we are more likely to hear the wisdom and intuition that was shut off in our hurry.

When we coordinate our head with our heart, balancing our inner values with other demands, we actually move forward with greater energy, clarity, productivity and joy to everyone's benefit.

The greatest gift we can give another is to choose to take full accountability and responsibility for our own happiness. The miracle of greater happiness is ours when embrace ourselves as worthy enough to take time for ourselves. If you don't start your journey from this point you wind up fulfilling everyone's dreams but your own.

The road to joy is paved by being fully who we are in everything we do, having the courage to fully honor ourselves and by savoring the present moment.

When we clarify our own dreams and values we can more authentically be our self. When we are more genuinely our most loving self, we best serve others. When we know that we have lived well, and loved authentically we create the legacy marked by our journey.

Damn touching clip!

Getting Along With People - Zig Ziglar

Many years ago I heard a story concerning a Native American who said to a visiting missionary, "I like myself better when I am with you." That really is the ultimate compliment. When you make people feel better about themselves, you also feel better about yourself.

In Personnel Journal we read some excellent advice: "Everyone needs to feel he counts for something. If you recognize that need in dealing with people, you will learn to get along with them. Simply show by your actions that you know the other person is quite a person and watch his response. Lord Chesterfield told his son, 'Make the other person like himself a little bit more and I promise you that he will like you very much indeed.' This is one of the most valuable keys to successful human relations. Use it to make additional friends, to get more cooperation,to add magnetism to your personality.

Former insurance executive Walter Hailey adds to this when he advises salespeople to learn about the other person and his business, the more your prospect will assume that you know how to solve his problems. Not only that, he will think you are especially nice and very bright indeed.

Will You Be Ready - Steve Goodier

Abraham Lincoln once said, "I will prepare, and some day my chance will come." When his chance came, he was ready.
During his seminary years, one priest-in-training sported a T-shirt that never failed to bring chuckles. Across the front was emblazoned: "Expectant Father." His chance came and he, too, was ready!
When your chance comes, will you be ready?
Hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky was always ready. He broke almost every record imaginable and is known as the greatest hockey player of all time.
Gretzky is not particularly big for his sport --he stands at 5 feet 11 inches tall and weighs in at 170 pounds. He never skated particularly fast, his shot was not high-powered and he often placed dead last on regular strength tests administered to his team. So what made 'The Great One' so great? He was ready.
Gretzky attributes his stardom to practice and preparation. He practiced stick handling in the off-season with a tennis ball, as the ball was harder to control than a puck. In practice he innovated. He practiced bouncing the puck off the sideboards to his teammates until that technique became a regular part of his play. Then he worked on bouncing the puck off the net! He became so accomplished at these maneuvers that he sometimes said, "People say there's only six men on the ice, but really, if you use the angle of deflection of the board, there's seven. If you count the net, that's eight. From the opening face-off, I always figure we have 'em eight-on-six."
What made "The Great One" so great? Gretzky was always the best prepared member of his team. He was ready.
It's been said, "If you want your ship to come in, you must build a dock." When your chance comes, will you be ready?

Taking Personal Responsibility - Brian Tracy

Did you ever stop to think that everything you are or ever will be is completely up to you? Just imagine! You are where you are because of who you are. Everything that exists in your life exists because of you, because of your behavior, words and actions. Because you have freedom of choice and because you have chosen each and every circumstance of your life, you are completely responsible for all of your success and failure, your happiness and unhappiness, your present and future.
That thought is like a parachute jump: It's scary and exhilarating at the same time. It's one of the biggest and most important ideas that can ever occur to you, or anyone else. The acceptance of personal responsibility is what separates the adult from the child. It's the great leap forward into maturity. Responsibility is the hallmark of the full integrated, fully functioning human being. Responsibility goes hand in hand with success, achievement, motivation, happiness and self-actulization. It's the absolute minimum requirement for the accomplishment of everything you could ever really want in life. Accepting that you're completely responsible for yourself and realizing that no one is coming to the resuce is the beginning of peak performance. There's very little that you cannot do or have after you accept that "If it's to be, it's up to me!"
The opposite of accepting responsibility is making excuses and blaming people and things for what's going on in your life. And since everything we do is a matter of habit, if people get into the habit of making excuses, they get into the habit of evading responsibility at the same time. If they set a goal or abjective for themselves, they immediately create an exvuse that they hold in reserve just in case the accomplishment of the goal is too difficult or requires more self-discipline and persistence than they had thought. As soon as things start to go poorly, irresponsible people trot out their excuse and let themselves off the hook. But that won't get them anywhere in the long run.
A basic law of human life was first espoused by Socrates more then 400 years before Christ. It's called the Law of Causality. We call it the Law of Cause and Effect. It states that for every effect in your life, there's a cause. If there's any effect that you desire, or desire more of, you can trace it back to the cause, and by duplicating the cause, you can have the effect.
For example, everyone wants to be halthy. If you set a high level of physical health and energy as your goal, or the desired effect, you can have it simply by finding out the cause, by finding out what other healthy and energetic people do with regard to diet, exercise and rest, and by doing the same thing. If you do, you're likely to get the same result. This is no miracle. It sounds simple, but in many cases, it's one of the hardest things in the world to do.
Unhappiness is an effect as well. If you wish to be happy, the first thing to do is to decide for yourself the kind of life situation in which you would feel wonderful. Think of he very best times of your life, and think of what you were doing, where you were doing it, and the people you were with at the time. Then write out, in complete detail, a description of your ideal lifestyle. Now you have defined the effect that you desire.
Next, look at your current life and ask yourself, "What are all the things in my life that are inconsistent with the lifestyle that would make me happ?" In other words, look at the causes of the effects that you don't like. Then make a decision to begin alleviating or removing those causes, one by one, until what you have left is the kind of life you want to live.
Your thoughts are extremely powerful. They hav ethe power to raise and lower your blood pressure, your pulse rate and your respiratory rate. They can affect your digestion. And if your thoughts are strong enough, your vision. It soothes your emotions and enables you to think more positively and constructively. In fact, the acceptance of responsibility often gives you insight into what you should do to resolve the situation.
Here's an exercise: Look at the most common problems and difficulties that people have in life. Apply this simple remedy of accepting responsibility to each one, and see what happens.
People have problems with other people- their spouses, their children, their friends, their coworkers and their bosses. Someone once said that almost all of our problems in life have hair on top, come on two letgs and talk back. So think of the people in your life who cause you any stress or anxiety and ask yourself who is responsible. Are they responsible for being in your life, or are you responsible for having them in your life?
According to the Law of Attraction, you're a living magnet in that you invariably attract people into your life who harmonize with your dominant thoughts and emotions. The people in your life are there because you've attracted them by the person you are, by the thoughts you hold, by the emotions you experience. If you're not happy with the people surrounding you, you're responsible. You're attracting them, and you're keeping them there.
Let me give you an example. I have four beautiful children. For a long time, when my children were behaving in ways that i felt were inappropriate, I had a tendency to blame or criticize them. However, the more i studied child raising and learned about the subject, the more I found that children are almost totally reactive. Their behaviors are almost always responses to what is going on around them and to their relationships with their parents. So i began asking the question, "What is it in me that is causing my child to act this way?" As soon as i turned the question around, and looked to myself for the reason -in effect, accepted complete responsibility for my children's behavior - I was able to see what I might be doing, or not doing, that my children were reacting to. Perhaps I wasn't spending enough one-on-one time with them. Perhaps I wasn't listening to them when they wanted to talk. perhaps I was too quick to question their report cards.
I began to apply that simple principle to every other part of my life as well. I began asking, 'What is it in me that is causing this external situation?" If the Law of Correspondence is true (and it is), and everything that is happening to you on the outside is due to something that is happeneing to you on the inside, then the first place to look is within. As soon as you do that, you begin to see things that you had completely missed when you were busy blaming others and making excuses. You begin to see that you're responsible in large measure for the things that are happening to you.
If you're in a bad relationship, who got you there? You likely weren't marched into the relationship and kept there at gunpoint. So it's largely a matter of free will and free choice on your part. If you're not happy, it's up to you to do something about it. As Henry Ford II once said, 'Never complain, never explain." If you're not happy with the situation, do something about it. If you're not willing to do something about it, then don't complain.
There's the story of the construction worker who opens up his lunch box at the noon break and unwraps his sandwich to find that it contains sardines. He gets really upset and complains loudly to everyone around him how much he hates sardines. The next day, the same thing happens: a sardine sandwich. Again, the construction worker shouts and complains about how much he hates sardines for lunch. The third day it happens again. By this time, his fellow workers are getting fed up with his loud complainin. One of them leans over and says to him, "If you hate sardines so much, why don't you tell your wife to make you some other kind of sandwich?" Thge construction worker turns to the fellow and says, "Oh, I'm not married. I make my own lunches!"
Many of us get into the same situation as the constructions worker and these situations can make you sick or healthy. Your thoughts tend to trigger images in your mind, and the feelings in your body are consistent with them. If you think or read happy, healthy thoughts, you will have happy, healthy pictures and experience happy, healthy emotions. As Deepak Chopra points out in his audiocassette program Magical Mind, Magical Body, every par of your mind is connected to every single part of your body in a complex web of messages and impulses that affect everything you feel, say and do.
Only you can think your thoughts, only you can decide what you'll dwell upon, what you'll read and listen to, who you'll associate with and the conversations you'll engage in; therefore, you are totally responsible for all the consequences of all those behaviors. It's unavoidable.
Perhaps the most important part of the subject of self-responsibility involves your happiness and your peace of mind. There seems to be a direct realtionship between responsibility and happiness on the one hand, and irresponsibility and unhappiness on the other hand. Let me explain.
First of all, the key to happiness is having a sense of control over what's going on in your life. The more you feel that you're in control, the happier you'll be. Men and women who have risen to the top of their organizations tend to be far happier than people further down. This is because they feel far more in control of their destinies, far more capable of making decisions and taking action. The more responsibility you take in your company, the more power, authority and respect you'll receive. One of the smartest things you can do is to take responsibility for the most important concerns of your boss. The more you accept responsibility for getting results in the areas that your boss considers most important, the more valuable and indispensable you'll become in your organization. People who want more money and more respect often think that they can get it simply by asking for it or by politicking. The truth is that it will accrue to you rapidly as soon as you 'step up to the plate' and undertake responsibility for results in your organization. The most respected people in any company are those who are the most capable of getting the most important jobs done on schedule.
The more responsibility you take, the more in control you are. And the freer you are, especially in your own mind, to make decisions and to do the things you want to do. So there's a direct relationship between responsibility, control, freedon and happiness. The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutly terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgroth of accepting total responsibility for ever part of their lives.
At the other end of the spectrum, there is irresponsibility, or the failure to accept responsibility. Each person is somewhere in between, moving toward a higher level of responsibility or irresponsibility with every word and every decision. In fact, a good definition of insanity is total irresponsibility, to the point of needing a straitjacket and a padded cell. Thomas Szasz, the great psychoanalyst, once wrote, 'There is no such thing as insanity. There are only varying levels of irresponsibility."
A person who is completely irresponsible is subject to anger, hostility, fear, resentment, doubt-all sorts of negative emotions. And here's why. All negative emotions tend to be associated with blame. Fully 99 percent of all our problems exist only because we're able to blame someone or something for them. The instant we stop blaming, our negative emotions begin disappearing.
What's the antidote to blaming? It's simple! Since your mind can hold only one thought at a time, either positive or negative, you can override the tendency to blame and become angry simply by saying, firmly, 'I'm responsible!' You cna't accept responsibility for a situation and be angry at the same time. You can't accept responsibility and be unhappy or upset. The acceptance of responsibility negates negative emotions and short-circuits any tendencies towards unhappiness.
The very act of accepting responsibility calms your mind and clarifies complain about circumstances that are almost entirely of your own making. Is this true for you? Look over your relationships and ask where this might be true in your life.
Are you happy with your job? Are you happy with the amount of money you're earning? Are you happy with your level of responsibility and your activities each day? If you're not, you need to accept that you're completely responsible for ever aspect of your job and your career. Why? Because you chose it freely. You took the job, you assumed the responsibilities, and you accepted the wage. If you're not happy with any of them, for any reason, then it's up to you to do something different.
You're earning today exactly what you're worth-not a penny more, not a penny less. In life, we tend to get exactly what we deserve. If you're not satisfied with the amount you're getting, look around you, at people who are doing the kind of work you would like to do and earning the kind of money you would like to earn. Ask them what they're doing differently from what you're doing. What are the causes of the effects they're getting? Once you know what they are, accept complete responsibility for your situastion, apply your wonderful mind and abilities, back them with willpower and self-discipline, and get busy making the changes you need to make to enjoy the life you want to enjoy.
Your great aim in life is to develop character. character is composed of self-esteem, self discipline, the ability to delay gratification, and the willingness to accept full responsibility for your life and everything in it. The more you say to yourself, "I'm responsible," the stronger, better and finer a person you'll become. And every part of your life will improve at the same time.

What do you do when the flames die out

I am an optimist. I refuse to compromise on the quality of the relationship whether it is from day one or on day one hundred and one or one thousand and one. I like a genuine man who gives it to me as it is rather then paint the most beautiful picture and later take that painted picture away.
So, what do you do when the flames die out? When you realize that this man was an empty shell in the first place. Do you give more in hopes that that empty shell will produce a pearl, or do you walk away knowing and thinking that you have once again made another serious judgement error.
When the flames die out, the question is, do you want to compromise. As much as i say i am an optimist, i find myself becoming weak in this pursuit of his love. But ironically, i read in a book, that love is a feeling. You either feel it or you don't. And right now, i just don't. I feel like i'm constantly being brushed aside, pushed aside. That only his feelings matter. Only i have to be understanding about the situation that he's in. Only i have to wait for him to turn up, for him to call, for him to be around. When i'm sad and down, he can't be around. And all i'm hearing is, i'm sorry.
When he can't bring me out after he has promised, all i hear is i'm sorry. it's not my fault. after i have caught him lying, he says, i'm sorry. I didn't want you to feel hurt and upset and was thinking for you. After all the I'm sorry's, it sure doesn't feel and mean like it already.
Maybe the truth is, end of the day, all relationships are just a mind game. And for all men, the thrill is in the chase. And with all things, once you've caught the prey, then it's time to move on and look for a new prey. I can't help feeling like i was once again the fool. Honestly, do i really have the words 'SUCKER' typed on my forehead?

I'm not so sure anymore

I often wonder what i like best about myself.
I guess it could be the fun and spontaneous me. The me that thinks up of a million and one things to do on any given day. The me that can be both serious and fun loving at the same time. The me that has the capacity to love and love again and again, to stay optimistic despite the negativity. The me that is proud enough to say i believe, and yet, humble enough to say i'm sorry.
But of late, i'm beginning to like myself less. I'm no longer as fun and spontaneous anymore. I guess it's not really that. But it could be because i'm so careful in not hurting the people around me and close to me. The not hurting part is in itself another thing i like about myself. The capacity to empathise, sympathise and to have care and concern for the feelings of those around me. The imagination to put myself in their shoes and walk their path.
I too struggle with the emotions that engulf me. The feelings of wanting more for myself. And as i grow older, the giving of my heart is bounded by the primary or secondary benefits that i derive from giving. And thus, as i grow older, i begin to be less selfless and more selfish. And i begin to like myself less as it doesn't quite fit the personality that i would have liked to have.
Sure. Personalities can change over time. But as i grow older, and the inclination for fun, changes etc delude me. I would rather sit on my ass, in my little comfort zone and whine about why and how unfair this miserable life of mine is. True! I could probably spend less time whining and more time putting change into action. You see, end of the day, all of us have our little comfort zones and little circles that we bind ourselves up in. Very often, we see change as something bad. But why should it be?
I remember writing the post that everything we needed to learn in life, we learnt in kindergarten. And how true. Remember the days when we were curious about everything. And i mean everything. But i suppose when they say experience shapes a man, it's true. But that shouldn't take the kid out of all of us. We should draw the lessons we're meant to have out of these experiences and still be brave enough to be curious, to go out and search for something new. To look at each day and marvel at how much more we've learnt today. And each day, we should believe we were wiser then the day before.
It's one thing to hide behind a wall and mask of pain and hang on to emotional baggage because we refuse to let go of the feeling so that we can be constantly reminded of how to protect ourselves. Instead, we should leave our heavy load where they were, keep in our minds what could be and walk on and cover as much ground as possible.
Anyway, i guess, there really isn't a good or bad experience. Just an experience. Ok. Maybe there are bad experiences. Stuff like murder, rape, accidents, war etc But other then the major traumatic events, everything feels good or bad only coz we attach our own form of emotions and emotional understanding to them.
So on this note, i'm off in search for the me that i used to like a lot more.
The me that was fun, the me that was full of love, of zest, of life, of adventure. The me that gets back quickly after a fall, brush off the dirt and ask, how could i have done it differently and start running again. Rather then the me that falls and says, ouch that hurts. I don't ever want to fall again. And so, i don't ever want to run again.
Have a great day you all!

what i want??

Maybe when they say man are from mars and woman are from venus, there was some truth in it.

Despite all the thoughts you have written to me in the form of your chinese messages, only one thing remains true from all the love stuff that you've put in so much effort and time to write. The whole idea of love is all grand and great. Every woman will have her take on what she wants in a love relationship or a relationship for that matter. Every woman will give you her version of what sort of relationship she is looking for.

So the rich man will have his number of women surrounding him. Because these group of women believe that money is love. That their husbands or loved ones being able to provide for their shopping and for them to live in a big mansion is the sort of love relationship that they are looking for. There is no need for them to connect with their husbands on an emotional level.

The man who sweet talks will also have his fair share of women surrounding him. Because these group of women will believe everything that the man says. That they feel happiest when the man around them heap praises and words of sweet nothings. That is their idea of a love relationship and how it works for them.

The man who is extremely bring will also have women surrounding him, albeit as he grows older. Women who have gone through other relationships that have failed will find that this man is the sort of person who embodies love for them as he will not stray. And that is the sort of love relationship they want.

Each different man attracts a different form of woman. Just like each woman will attract her fair share of men into her life. The point i am trying to make is that there is no one perfect love model. There is no one CORRECT love relationship or RIGHT love relationship. Which is why there is this element of a relationship that everyone talks about, knows about but doesn't quite have something to define it. And that element is called chemistry. I would like to call it a flow. A movement that knows no boundaries and things just happen and somehow, when the things happen, you just feel right about it. Notice when people talk about love, they talk about how right it FEELs, talk about how it makes them FEEL, talks about the WARMTH, the LOVE.. all these are words that you cannot really define. Just like FAITH. TRUST. Words that you cannot define but which you need to experience.

Each person's experience with all these things are different. Just like with any one incident that happens, my take of it will not be exactly the same as your take from it. Because together with the incident, many people carry along with them life long experiences and baggage. And therefore the interpretation of one event differs from man to man, woman to woman.

So what do i want from a man you might ask? I want my man to know that he loves me. That he wants me. That i make a difference in being in his life. That in my own little ways and special ways, i touched him. And we both strive to make US happen and US work. I want to know that he puts time aside from his busy schedule to make time so that he can see me and spend time with me. I want to know that when the going gets tough, he thinks of resting in my arms because i generate a sort of warmth for him. i want to know that when my load is heavy, he will hold my hand, ask me to take a rest, ask me not to worry that he's there. But more importantly, because i am a pleaser, i need to know that he needs and wants me. Not just while we are out, not just while we face the different challenges life throws at us constantly, but even while we are lying in bed next to each other. That he desires me. =)

His break up post to me??

跟你在一起时间很少

我们在一起的酸甜苦辣，只有我们自己心里知道。
生活中的痛苦永远比甜蜜清晰，我们都伤害过彼此。
我们为了不一样的事情争执过上百次。
有些事情现在想起来都觉得幼稚。

虽然我们的爱情是聚少离多，我曾经甚至怀疑。
怀疑我们最终是否能走到最后。
很多人说我们是不可能的。
伤害你，伤害了我最爱的你。
我让你灰心，我让你不再相信我们的爱情。
我甚至让你有了不再那么爱你的错觉。

我曾经对你说：“宝贝我会疼啊。”
短短的一句话，每当我会想起，心中都有说不出的心疼。
有的时候我觉得自己罪大恶极。
我怎能这样伤害自己的宝贝？
我心中曾经默默的对自己发誓。
以后不管你做什么我都不能动怒。
就算有什么情绪也要自己调整，不能让你为难。
以后你要是不开心了，我要竭尽所能哄你开心。

我们聊过之后，我才发现自己的惊弓之鸟情绪。
深深的影响到了我们的关系。

其实，爱一个人很简单。
我只要，静静地爱你。
一心一意的爱着你。
只要你还需要我，我就永远在你身边。
就算有一天你不再爱我了，我对你的爱也不会停止。
我会永远静静地爱着你。