On relationships

"My own love-life's at a standstill right now. I think most of it, like what you've mentioned, comes from an insecurity--that my reading of vibes can so often be completely off the mark. And this is when non-reciprocity becomes the bitterest pill--because what has betrayed me is not the other (I seldom blame another person for misleading me), but myself, or more precisely, my own intuition. And when one realises one cannot trust one's own judgements, then the floor one stands on crumbles, and the feeling is one of pure vertigo. I guess this is what people mean when they say that dismay in love is one of the most traumatic disappointments available--simply because it exposes the gulf between two people's experiences of a single event."

A pattern

Every time he is absorbed with a new chick, he treats me like shit.. Fuck.. can't he even learn from past experiences?

Can there be a relationship without trust

There were always things that i felt a relationship should have or must have for it to grow and for it to be sustainable. And of course one of the key factors is this thing called trust. Besides trust, there are other things that i feel would make a relationship work, and communication being equally important.
For a long time now, i have known that these two are important factors that make a relationship work. I remembered when i had just started dating. And i always told my boyfriend then how important these two were. That we needed to trust each other and we needed to keep the communication lines open. Maybe i'll talk more about communication later. But my focus today is on trust.
How do you know you can trust someone? How do you know that the person that you are falling asleep next to every night does not have a secret life? Or another family? Or numerous mistresses outside? How do you trust someone new? How do you know? Well, i must say, at the start of any new relationship, there is always a matter of how much to trust a person. maybe i have had childlike faith all my life, and i believe that everyone is good until proven evil. And therefore, i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I'm not sure if i have mentioned it before. But there was once a long time ago where i would check one of my boyfriend's handphone for sms/calls. It bugged me a lot. Coz i was bothered that i could not trust him. I guess that was also because he had cheated on me a couple of times, and each time, he would come back and say he was sorry and it would never happen again. And time and again i relented. But after a while, i would start checking his call list and sms list. I didn't like what i had become, and needless to say, we have long broken up and are no longer seeing each other. We are not even friends today. And i guess that's also because i feel that any bridges that we had ever built were long burnt.
Today, i did the same thing again. I had the opportunity to see his handphone, and i went through the sms list. And true enough, i saw things that i would have rather not seen. What's a little harmless sms you might say? But to me, it really was a big deal. Whenever i'm with him, i feel that he brings out the worst in me. Its no excuse, but i know that this isn't right.
My idea of a relationship isn't like that. Two people come together to complement each other's life. To make each other strive to be better. And for that to happen, there must be a degree of trust in each other. for two people who get married, the wedding vows say, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.... If there is no trust in each other, how would you have the security that the person would not walk once there is tension or uncertainty? That the person would brave the storm with you? And for me, it boiled down to the fact that i could not even trust him when he is alone, or out with others, how then can i trust my future and my life in his hands? How then can we ever hope to build a future together?
Today's incident made me think of a couple of things.
1) I don't trust him any longer
2) He is capable of loving many women at any one time, and if i were to accept him, then i have to accept that i might not be the only woman in his life at any one time.
3) That i don't like myself when i am with him, and yet if i refuse to look deeper into our problems, i can have fun when i am out with him.
4) I was confused when i saw his sms to her saying he missed her.
5) I don't believe in him any longer
6) Its time to correct a 10 yr mistake and not dwell in it
7) Its time i made some decisions for myself and for my life rather then for him.
8) The mind is willing but the heart is weak....

I'm really confused

We had a long talk on msn just now. It started well, with me telling him how much i appreciate him coming down to look for me and being around while i was talking to his friend about insurance. And from there, we chatted a bit, before he told me he was meeting her for dinner. And he said there wasn't anything between them. And he didn't want to give me the wrong impression. And i made a comment like, aren't we supposed to be best friends, and really it doesn't matter what you do. You know the word that sums it all up, "whatever'
And i told him, with him, i don't have any confidence. Coz right now, he's only with me coz she hasn't given him the green light, and when she finally gives him the green light, i'm the one who would be left crying. For a long time, i've made a choice of not making any decisions and choices. And have given him the easy way back into my life each time we've broken off and tried to patch back.
There are so many things that i want to do. And i wanted a life with him. That much i knew when i was 17. I don't know where i went wrong along the way. But i do know that i told him on Sunday that i have nothing left to give him. I am emotionally drained. I am tired of being the one who gets hurt only coz i love him and don't want to hurt him. And i am scared that one day when i fall, there will be no one there, because it was all just an illusion. I told him that i was going to make a decision for the both of us coz he would never be able to make up his mind. Somehow i feel that our relationship cannot handle adversities because he is constantly changing his mind about things. And yet, i told him, we've gotten through so much only coz i am the one who is constantly giving in.
And yet, i am beginning to believe i have nothing left to give him. And since i have nothing left to give, then we are really better off as friends. He told me to give him some time to reach a conclusion.
It hurts to walk away. And yet, i know it makes more sense to walk away now, then another 10 yrs later when i would then have to admit that the last 20 yrs was a mistake, rather then admitting now that the last 10 yrs was a mistake. And i remember telling him, that when you love someone, you would do everything in your power to protect that person and make sure you don't hurt that person. And since he is constantly hurting me, then i am not that important to him or rather, he doesn't really love me. And what we have with each other is just years of 'friendship' and lots of familiarity. How do we know that we even love each other. How do i know he even loved me?
And then out of the blue, he says he is not going to meet her anymore coz he canceled on her and wanted to meet me tomorrow evening. But what can that achieve? He asked me if he came back, would i open my heart to him, value him and appreciate him? And that he is really considering all these factors now.
Truth is i cannot answer him coz i'm not sure myself. I know i will always have a soft spot for him. And yet, i don't know if i can ever trust this man with my heart ever again. To say he has hurt me more then once is an understatement. And i am not sure where i can go from here.
So i told him to go out with her, and go enjoy himself. And he said he didn't want to waste any more time. Neither do i. I feel like i'm hanging on to a lost cause. And that i remembered earlier on this year when i told him that this was the last time i was going to give him any chances. That if it didn't work out, that was it. And true enough,i allowed him to hurt me once again against my better judgement.
Maybe what TG told me was true. In order to move away from him, i need to stay away from him for some time first. And what if i feel at the end of it all, that i am not able to accept him. That i am unable to trust him again? Then would i then be wasting his time? I have no answers only lots of confusion...=(

Green eye monster came knocking

It was a generally great weekend. Saw Guardian on both days. But something happened while we were out to make me stop and think about stuff real hard. We were out on Sunday when she called. And although he was still sweet and all to me, i think the green eye monster came a knocking for a while. Soon after, i was fine. But it made me stop and think about how unstable our relationship was, or whether we even had a relationship. Now, she doesn't want him, and he claims he knows how much i love him and he treasures me, but just how long would it be, before a repeat of what happened 2 months back happens again?
We had a long talk that night, and yes, he is still the only man that can draw tears from my eyes. I told him, how little confidence i had in us, and just how tired i was. Emotionally tired. And i don't want to go through the same period where i am periodically wondering who sms him every time his hp beeps. Or who called. Or when he isn't by my side, is he with her?
Am i really someone he loves, or am i just a time filler, or a convenience stop. I think every time i am back with him, my self esteem takes a huge dip. I have no answers for him, merely the fact that there is so many uncertainties surrounding him. And i remember saying this once many many years ago, if he is really happier with someone else, i will take the initiative to walk away. And recently, i have been thinking whether its time to start living my own life rather then his, and walk away.
I remember this show which i really liked. "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking to be loved"

Ramblings

What a crazy month the whole of August has turned out to be. Didn't help that i had a bad patch in sales and was feeling real down as well. Oh well, life goes on as they say.
Anyway, past couple of days have been easy on me. And i am beginning to come to terms that sometimes in life, you can't force your hand on certain things. And, maybe that is what i really need to seriously accept that so things will seem easier to bear.
Guardian and that new girl aren't working out. And he has been sort of knocking on my door. Then again, i don't believe my door was ever closed. Of course the thought and fear that lingers on in my mind is, what if it works out one day? Where does that leave me? A friend of mine told me to accept this and just take it that we are just FRIENDS. Not in the loose term of the word that i have come to use with regards to him. But really just friends. And take everything with a pinch of salt. With Guardian, its always tough. Or maybe coz my heart thinks its tough and therefore it is tough.
On a lighter note, met up with TG for dinner last night. Interesting thing was that he texted me. After the last incident with him going out Superman and Guardian seeing him in Singapore when he claimed he was in HK, i have lost my confidence in him. Or rather, i feel a little betrayed. And thus, i find no need in me calling him or texting him to ask him where or how he is. The answer might just be a lie. So why bother. We had a decent dinner, nothing fancy. Not japanese food this time round, and that means i haven't had japanese food for the last 60 days. Ouch
Had a little superficial conversation before he told me that he was back for a day last month, during his birthday week. I faked ignorance and brushed it off when he told me. After all, he was back for more then just a day. But on the whole, we had a decent date, if you take aside the fact that i was less myself coz i didn't feel like i could trust him very much any longer. For some time now, he has been my confidant and also someone i look to for support, ideas and suggestions. If i put my feelings for him aside, i guess he is still a nice enough person to fulfill the above criteria. And yet, i guess in my own way, i feel a bit more for him, or rather i treat him not so much of a mentor but like a friend and i dislike having people lie to me.
But, he still is an extremely charming man and i was a little moved. He texted me after he dropped me off but i am taking it all with a pinch of salt.
With all that said, my target amt of sales for this month is AFYC 12k. So i will be working my ass off for it. That also means earlier nights with less time to blog =P

An Inspiration for the new month

"If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but you think you can't,
It is almost certain you won't."

"If you think you'll lose, you're lost
For out of the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will
It's all in the state of mind."

"If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize."

"Life's battles don't always go
the the stronger or faster man,
But sonner or later the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can!"