Yawn

Dunno why today so tired. Maybe coz been sleeping at rather irregular hours lately. And my body is trying to adjust everyday. Hee.. But other then that, the day went pretty well for me work wise i guess. Managed to get all the things i set out to get done today. So deserve a pat on the back. Finally found my new card and got it activated at the ATM as well. So feeling rather pleased with myself.
Loads to do tomorrow actually. Need to go post office to send some documents, need to go LTA to get my bike checked, need to go settle bike insurance and road tax coz i'm currently riding illegally. Erm.. Still got what leh? Orh. Need to go office drop off forms and collect some documents. Suppose to print quotation for weekend appointment as well. Not sure if i will be able to get everything done. Cross my fingers. But have priority list. So not too bad. Will do my best to stick by it.
Eh, on the personal front, didn't get to spend a lot of time with my darling today. Coz he was busy also. But he seemed pretty happy today. But also like quite tired. So i guess it was a pretty good thing i decided last night that maybe better for him to stay in tonight and spend some time with his family and grab some rest. Like not very nice every night we go hang out, then it takes time away from his family. And somehow, i feel it is important for his kids to spend more time with him. It is definitely my wish that he doesn't look back one day and regret that he didn't spend enough time with them while they were growing up. Haven't told him that maybe we meet less over the week. But quite hard to open mouth and say also, coz when in love the time, want to see him every minute every day. But also, must think for him. Aiya.. why love so difficult one... Sianz
Eh, today he said something twice to me. I believe very often, you say the things off the top of your head because it is subconscious. Then he said i was his friend twice. Once verbally and once over sms. I guess i was a little disappointed. Thought i meant more to him then just a friend. =( But also coz i didn't want to make things difficult for him, so i brushed it off after reading the sms. Though he smsed after that to say that i am special. Hmmm...
Blogging while waiting for Ja Ja to get back home from her movie so we can go for coffee. She's on leave tomorrow. But actually i quite tired liaoz. Been yawning since 9pm. Jialat. Dunno why so tired since i slept 8 hrs yesterday. Maybe over sleep? Ha.. Body not used to having 8 hrs of sleep.
Alright, since still waiting for Ja Ja, i will continue on yesterday's post.
Torn.
Actually the title reflects my inner feelings. The last 2 months of knowing darling have been very special and happy moments for me. For once, in a relationship, there are more happy moments then sad moments. And i don't have to constantly remind myself of the happy moments because it seems like every other day is a happy moment. Plus i enjoy time spent with him so very much. Time seems to fly by so quickly when we are out. I suppose also because of the circumstances, time spent together is very precious for me. But i guess i'm torn because if you remember my currency theory post way back, then today instead of him splitting his $100 on stuff like work, family, friends, hobbies etc, he doesn't have $100 to give from the very start. I suppose it's not much of a difference. But he has less to give. And yet, the funny thing is, among all my relationships, i feel that he has given me way more. So should i discount the currency theory.
The other reason as to why i feel torn is coz i feel that fundamentally, our relationship is wrong. That something built based on principles that are wrong will not last and will not work out. Plus, i keep feeling like i'm doing something wrong. And lastly, the most important reason of all is that i know this is it. This would probably be us 50 years down the road if we both live till a ripe old age. And although i simply adore him and think he's probably the greatest thing that has come by my way, i can't help but let my mind wander at times and ask, can i have more. I know it's definitely not fair to ask for more. I try to stop myself sometimes. But there are times where the feeling and urge is so strong, that i will ask for more. And we will both be upset after that.
So, there is a conflict of emotions going on inside me. Unfortunately, love can't be measured in physical quantities. And there is no way of weighing who loves who more. There is no accurate assessment that says there are more benefits or more drawbacks. And because of this, i am torn. I so do love every moment spent with him. When he's not by my side, i do wonder what he's doing. Whether he's had dinner, whether he's sitting in front of the computer or tele, or chatting with his family. Whether something made him happy, or something irritated him. Whether he suddenly thought of me. Or whether in the times when we are not together, do i even pop up in his mind. And yet, that little voice at the back of my head seems to be nagging at me. Telling me this is so wrong. Arghhhhh.....
Frustrating i know. And it doesn't help that i've grown to adore him more and more each day. He really is a super duper sweet and wonderful person with not an ounce of evil in him. He's thoughtful, caring, sensitive, encouraging, patient, understanding, romantic, silly, makes me laugh, showers me with attention, keeps his promises, listens to me, holds my hand, wipes away my tears. What more can a girl want? =) Can all these goodness overshadow that one glaring flaw? I guess only time will tell. Alright. Half hour more and Ja Ja doesn't call then i'm off to bed. Hee...
Nitez