Nice Quote

"....when you spend time-however brief-...with someone, you're bound to miss their presence at the very least, even if you know it was doomed in the long run." - Valerie-Anne Baglietto

The Circle of Life

I would not have thought that mankind in general is deceitful and unkind. On the contrary, i think otherwise. But recent events have me re evaluating my ideas of man, friends, and life in general. I believe things go in circles as there is meant to be a learning lesson in all this to make the next circle easier and more bearable. And if it is not for that purpose, then the reason is that one keeps going on in the same direction until a solution has been found to resolve the problem. And you move on to a bigger circle after that. Stepping out of your comfort zone to create that bigger circle? Maybe.
But one hard fact in life i've come to understand, is that life goes on no matter what happens. Unless the universe dies some how. I read somewhere of this statement that makes a lot of sense. The universe does not owe you a living. It was here first.
When everything has happened, take some time to grief about it, but give yourself a cut off date, to start moving on. The first couple of steps will not be easy, but i'm sure, once i start, it can and will only become easier!

Meet Joe Black

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

On relationships

"My own love-life's at a standstill right now. I think most of it, like what you've mentioned, comes from an insecurity--that my reading of vibes can so often be completely off the mark. And this is when non-reciprocity becomes the bitterest pill--because what has betrayed me is not the other (I seldom blame another person for misleading me), but myself, or more precisely, my own intuition. And when one realises one cannot trust one's own judgements, then the floor one stands on crumbles, and the feeling is one of pure vertigo. I guess this is what people mean when they say that dismay in love is one of the most traumatic disappointments available--simply because it exposes the gulf between two people's experiences of a single event."

A pattern

Every time he is absorbed with a new chick, he treats me like shit.. Fuck.. can't he even learn from past experiences?

Can there be a relationship without trust

There were always things that i felt a relationship should have or must have for it to grow and for it to be sustainable. And of course one of the key factors is this thing called trust. Besides trust, there are other things that i feel would make a relationship work, and communication being equally important.
For a long time now, i have known that these two are important factors that make a relationship work. I remembered when i had just started dating. And i always told my boyfriend then how important these two were. That we needed to trust each other and we needed to keep the communication lines open. Maybe i'll talk more about communication later. But my focus today is on trust.
How do you know you can trust someone? How do you know that the person that you are falling asleep next to every night does not have a secret life? Or another family? Or numerous mistresses outside? How do you trust someone new? How do you know? Well, i must say, at the start of any new relationship, there is always a matter of how much to trust a person. maybe i have had childlike faith all my life, and i believe that everyone is good until proven evil. And therefore, i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I'm not sure if i have mentioned it before. But there was once a long time ago where i would check one of my boyfriend's handphone for sms/calls. It bugged me a lot. Coz i was bothered that i could not trust him. I guess that was also because he had cheated on me a couple of times, and each time, he would come back and say he was sorry and it would never happen again. And time and again i relented. But after a while, i would start checking his call list and sms list. I didn't like what i had become, and needless to say, we have long broken up and are no longer seeing each other. We are not even friends today. And i guess that's also because i feel that any bridges that we had ever built were long burnt.
Today, i did the same thing again. I had the opportunity to see his handphone, and i went through the sms list. And true enough, i saw things that i would have rather not seen. What's a little harmless sms you might say? But to me, it really was a big deal. Whenever i'm with him, i feel that he brings out the worst in me. Its no excuse, but i know that this isn't right.
My idea of a relationship isn't like that. Two people come together to complement each other's life. To make each other strive to be better. And for that to happen, there must be a degree of trust in each other. for two people who get married, the wedding vows say, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.... If there is no trust in each other, how would you have the security that the person would not walk once there is tension or uncertainty? That the person would brave the storm with you? And for me, it boiled down to the fact that i could not even trust him when he is alone, or out with others, how then can i trust my future and my life in his hands? How then can we ever hope to build a future together?
Today's incident made me think of a couple of things.
1) I don't trust him any longer
2) He is capable of loving many women at any one time, and if i were to accept him, then i have to accept that i might not be the only woman in his life at any one time.
3) That i don't like myself when i am with him, and yet if i refuse to look deeper into our problems, i can have fun when i am out with him.
4) I was confused when i saw his sms to her saying he missed her.
5) I don't believe in him any longer
6) Its time to correct a 10 yr mistake and not dwell in it
7) Its time i made some decisions for myself and for my life rather then for him.
8) The mind is willing but the heart is weak....

I'm really confused

We had a long talk on msn just now. It started well, with me telling him how much i appreciate him coming down to look for me and being around while i was talking to his friend about insurance. And from there, we chatted a bit, before he told me he was meeting her for dinner. And he said there wasn't anything between them. And he didn't want to give me the wrong impression. And i made a comment like, aren't we supposed to be best friends, and really it doesn't matter what you do. You know the word that sums it all up, "whatever'
And i told him, with him, i don't have any confidence. Coz right now, he's only with me coz she hasn't given him the green light, and when she finally gives him the green light, i'm the one who would be left crying. For a long time, i've made a choice of not making any decisions and choices. And have given him the easy way back into my life each time we've broken off and tried to patch back.
There are so many things that i want to do. And i wanted a life with him. That much i knew when i was 17. I don't know where i went wrong along the way. But i do know that i told him on Sunday that i have nothing left to give him. I am emotionally drained. I am tired of being the one who gets hurt only coz i love him and don't want to hurt him. And i am scared that one day when i fall, there will be no one there, because it was all just an illusion. I told him that i was going to make a decision for the both of us coz he would never be able to make up his mind. Somehow i feel that our relationship cannot handle adversities because he is constantly changing his mind about things. And yet, i told him, we've gotten through so much only coz i am the one who is constantly giving in.
And yet, i am beginning to believe i have nothing left to give him. And since i have nothing left to give, then we are really better off as friends. He told me to give him some time to reach a conclusion.
It hurts to walk away. And yet, i know it makes more sense to walk away now, then another 10 yrs later when i would then have to admit that the last 20 yrs was a mistake, rather then admitting now that the last 10 yrs was a mistake. And i remember telling him, that when you love someone, you would do everything in your power to protect that person and make sure you don't hurt that person. And since he is constantly hurting me, then i am not that important to him or rather, he doesn't really love me. And what we have with each other is just years of 'friendship' and lots of familiarity. How do we know that we even love each other. How do i know he even loved me?
And then out of the blue, he says he is not going to meet her anymore coz he canceled on her and wanted to meet me tomorrow evening. But what can that achieve? He asked me if he came back, would i open my heart to him, value him and appreciate him? And that he is really considering all these factors now.
Truth is i cannot answer him coz i'm not sure myself. I know i will always have a soft spot for him. And yet, i don't know if i can ever trust this man with my heart ever again. To say he has hurt me more then once is an understatement. And i am not sure where i can go from here.
So i told him to go out with her, and go enjoy himself. And he said he didn't want to waste any more time. Neither do i. I feel like i'm hanging on to a lost cause. And that i remembered earlier on this year when i told him that this was the last time i was going to give him any chances. That if it didn't work out, that was it. And true enough,i allowed him to hurt me once again against my better judgement.
Maybe what TG told me was true. In order to move away from him, i need to stay away from him for some time first. And what if i feel at the end of it all, that i am not able to accept him. That i am unable to trust him again? Then would i then be wasting his time? I have no answers only lots of confusion...=(

Green eye monster came knocking

It was a generally great weekend. Saw Guardian on both days. But something happened while we were out to make me stop and think about stuff real hard. We were out on Sunday when she called. And although he was still sweet and all to me, i think the green eye monster came a knocking for a while. Soon after, i was fine. But it made me stop and think about how unstable our relationship was, or whether we even had a relationship. Now, she doesn't want him, and he claims he knows how much i love him and he treasures me, but just how long would it be, before a repeat of what happened 2 months back happens again?
We had a long talk that night, and yes, he is still the only man that can draw tears from my eyes. I told him, how little confidence i had in us, and just how tired i was. Emotionally tired. And i don't want to go through the same period where i am periodically wondering who sms him every time his hp beeps. Or who called. Or when he isn't by my side, is he with her?
Am i really someone he loves, or am i just a time filler, or a convenience stop. I think every time i am back with him, my self esteem takes a huge dip. I have no answers for him, merely the fact that there is so many uncertainties surrounding him. And i remember saying this once many many years ago, if he is really happier with someone else, i will take the initiative to walk away. And recently, i have been thinking whether its time to start living my own life rather then his, and walk away.
I remember this show which i really liked. "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking to be loved"

Ramblings

What a crazy month the whole of August has turned out to be. Didn't help that i had a bad patch in sales and was feeling real down as well. Oh well, life goes on as they say.
Anyway, past couple of days have been easy on me. And i am beginning to come to terms that sometimes in life, you can't force your hand on certain things. And, maybe that is what i really need to seriously accept that so things will seem easier to bear.
Guardian and that new girl aren't working out. And he has been sort of knocking on my door. Then again, i don't believe my door was ever closed. Of course the thought and fear that lingers on in my mind is, what if it works out one day? Where does that leave me? A friend of mine told me to accept this and just take it that we are just FRIENDS. Not in the loose term of the word that i have come to use with regards to him. But really just friends. And take everything with a pinch of salt. With Guardian, its always tough. Or maybe coz my heart thinks its tough and therefore it is tough.
On a lighter note, met up with TG for dinner last night. Interesting thing was that he texted me. After the last incident with him going out Superman and Guardian seeing him in Singapore when he claimed he was in HK, i have lost my confidence in him. Or rather, i feel a little betrayed. And thus, i find no need in me calling him or texting him to ask him where or how he is. The answer might just be a lie. So why bother. We had a decent dinner, nothing fancy. Not japanese food this time round, and that means i haven't had japanese food for the last 60 days. Ouch
Had a little superficial conversation before he told me that he was back for a day last month, during his birthday week. I faked ignorance and brushed it off when he told me. After all, he was back for more then just a day. But on the whole, we had a decent date, if you take aside the fact that i was less myself coz i didn't feel like i could trust him very much any longer. For some time now, he has been my confidant and also someone i look to for support, ideas and suggestions. If i put my feelings for him aside, i guess he is still a nice enough person to fulfill the above criteria. And yet, i guess in my own way, i feel a bit more for him, or rather i treat him not so much of a mentor but like a friend and i dislike having people lie to me.
But, he still is an extremely charming man and i was a little moved. He texted me after he dropped me off but i am taking it all with a pinch of salt.
With all that said, my target amt of sales for this month is AFYC 12k. So i will be working my ass off for it. That also means earlier nights with less time to blog =P

An Inspiration for the new month

"If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but you think you can't,
It is almost certain you won't."

"If you think you'll lose, you're lost
For out of the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will
It's all in the state of mind."

"If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize."

"Life's battles don't always go
the the stronger or faster man,
But sonner or later the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can!"

Thought of the day

Nothing lasts forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, take chances and never have regrets.. because.. at one point, everything you did was exactly what you wanted.

The Man in the Glass - Dale Wimbrow

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend

You may fool the whole world, down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass

Day Six

After the horrible night last night, i remember why i told myself to control the amount i drink. Coz the feeling of being pissed, is disgusting.
He hasn't called or texted me after his 'attitude' behaviour and comments yesterday. A couple of times, i relented and wanted to ask him if he was feeling any better or if he was oki. But, i did sms him a couple of times yesterday, and since he is irresponsible, he has not replied to any of them, knowing i would be upset and worried sick about him. I am almost on the verge of giving up. I see this pattern repeating over and over again and i am so damn tired of it.
And funny thing is, i have begun suppressing some 'angry' and 'hateful' feelings. Which is good i think...

Day Five

My meeting ended at 2am. And i went to meet up with Superman and gang. I needed some form of release after our horrible msn session this afternoon and the comments that some of my colleagues made. I feel horrible. I wish he was there for me. But maybe coz he is in a bad mood, he hasn't replied any of my msn or sms. I miss him. And it is times like this where i wish he was around.
met an old friend partying. Its been eons since we met up.. really looking forward to meeting up for coffee.
Too damn drunk to type anythings useful. But i know i miss him and yet i feel horrible at the same time. How can that be?

Day Five

I know that when i give my power away, i am powerless. And i know better then to give my own power away. And yet with Guardian, sometimes i feel like i cannot control over how much power he takes from me. Saw him on msn briefly for a short while. He was grumpy and moody. Most likely coz of icequeen. And of course he was curt and short with me. I was hurt. Should we believe more in the power of the words or the power of the actions? As in, do the words that come out of his mouth count more or the actions that count more? Which matters more?
You have claimed that you still love me. And that you care? But how much do you care? Do you ever stop and think that i might be hurt? That your words could potentially hurt me? That your actions could potentially be driving me to the very edge?
Maybe i am a silly monkey after all. I constantly choose to believe what comes out of your mouth and carry on loving you. And, all i can say at this point is i'm dead tired. Tired.. tired... tired..

Day Four/Five

I finally had a long chat with him today on msn. I guess i've been avoiding it coz i have some answers in my head and i dunno whether i want to find out the truth. We talked for a v long time and maybe its sort of a closure for me. Like i said before, i don't doubt that he cares for me. I'm just not sure that he loves me. And maybe that's the sad thing. I know i will always love him. Or rather he will always occupy a special place in my heart. And yet, i know i cannot go on like this forever. It is way too tough and way too torturous.
He told me he still loves me. Just that his attention has now been diverted to this girl. Sometimes i ask myself, do i ever factor into the equation? Where do i stand in all this?
He spoke to me about fate and about all things being predestined. Maybe, that is the part i cannot change or have no control about. But i believe that some things, you have to work for them in life. Maybe you are are meant to strike TOTO. But you have to make the effort to go buy the ticket in the first place. So if you are a firm believer in destiny and fate, then i remember in one of my past postings, i wrote before, since its destined, then there is no need to work for your food and shelter. After all, if you are not meant to starve and die, then something will happen and you will miraculously have food.
Maybe i think, somethings in life happen for a reason, maybe somethings in life are not meant to happen. But ultimately, its about the amount of effort you put into things. But i guess i have a first hand example to back me up. Relationships fall into a totally different category altogether. Takes two hands to clap, one had to slap. N i am sure i am already an expert in this.
Well, for all its worth, i hope he stays happy. He doesn't know it, but it breaks my heart and hurts me when i know he has been hurt. I told him earlier that maybe that is what unconditional love is. It's your parents love to you. Or like GOD's love for us. That even if we have failed them time and again, they still love us despite our flaws. And somehow that is still how i view love and how i care for him. But i also know that one day, i really must move on. That until i move out of his shadow and dim my love for him, my heart cannot have another. And bro asked me this. Do i want to settle down and have a family? Or do i want to spend the rest of my life waiting for him? I really don't know.

Anyway, TG texted me today. Said he would be back next Monday and ask to go out on Tuesday. I owe him his birthday present and his birthday dinner.
See here's the weird part, i cannot forgive TG for cheating and lying to me, and yet i condone it when Guardian does it? Why?

One other point, the most expensive top i own is now from CK @$299. Nice cheer up present. Thanks for buying it for me. =)

Day Four

Another day has passed. And i sometimes i wish i am like others, who can find anger and hatred for the men that break up with them or cheat on them. But somehow, i cannot. Someone i spoke to mentioned that i'm such a traditionalist. If there was such a word. And that i am still deeply in love with Guardian despite all that has happened between us. I don't think he is wrong. Its just that i've made up mind about things and i really want to stick to my decision. Went to taka with Boss earlier. We just wanted to spend some time together i guess. Or rather, she knew i have been very down, and she heard of my stupid and silly action of going to KL with Guardian, and she wanted to cheer me up or rather, sound me out.
Anyway, today another Samaritan told me this one line, that i think is quite cool.. It is your Responsibility in this world to make yourself HAPPY.
Boss and i had a talk and she ask me to think about what i really want in life. And what could potentially be my driving force.. So... Till the next post. And i am feeling better about things as it is. Maybe what Guardian says is true, i'm numb to it already. Same applies for TG

Day Three/Four

It just seems to me when something happens, everything else happens. I mentioned earlier that Guardian told me he saw TG at Suntec. And i remember questioning him, are you sure? Tonight, Superman met TG for dinner and drinks, and Superman told me that TG specifically asked him not to bring me along. And here's the thing, if it was the first time something like this has happened, i would brush it off, saying it was one of those boy's night out thing. And yet, i cannot delude myself into believing that it is.
Many months back, when something of a similar nature happened, i questioned TG about it. And he told me that Superman has gotten the wrong message, and he meant no harm. And months later, the same thing happens. I'm not sure, if its coz of the emotional roller coaster ride i'm going through with Guardian, that the roller coaster has been heading down, and i'm still wondering if its sending me to the depths of hell, if that is why i am disappointed with TG and upset with him, or rather i am upset with him, coz i do not see the need for him to lie to me.
Now i feel like a complete idiot. While i was at Superman's place last evening, he asked me if it was TG's birthday. And i told him, yeah. And as he called TG, i remember telling him, oh, he's in HK. So he might be busy with meetings. At least that's what he told me. And today, Superman called me to say that he's pretty sure TG is in Singapore. And has been the last couple of days.
I guess this coincides with Guardian saying he say TG at Suntec on Monday, coz in fact, he was already back in Singapore. I can understand if there is someone special in his life that he wants to spend his birthday with. But i cannot see why he had to fib about it.
I remember telling bro once, that if you fib about something, at least lie intelligently, and when i finally figure it out, then i would at least respect that you had the brains to think up of such an intellligent lie that covered all angles. And yet, do both Guardian and TG, simply think i am an idiot? Or that i really am such a dumb person?
I've told both before, that sometimes, when i don't say something, its not because i don't know what is going on, or i do not know that they are lying. Sometimes, it's coz i don't want the situation to get ugly and thus, i keep mum about stuff. But i know what is going on. It's not the first time TG has lied, and somehow i feel that the times i found out are not the only times that he has fibbed. And i truly am disappointed in him, coz i thought better of him. Why would someone claim to enjoy your company, claim that you are a special friend, and yet, cannot even be honest as a friend. That is something i cannot understand.
SIghz... When is the roller coaster going to head up..

Day Three

Like i said, i was going to do something stupid and silly. And i did. Was it worth i guess so. I got quite a bit of answers today to close the loops that i need to close eventually. I can tell he is smitten by her and has been bitten by the love bug. He has detailed down each and every one of their dates, as to what he did for her, to her etc. And he even bought her a swarovski pendant on his first date which was on 18 July. Just barely 4 days of us breaking up. But like i mentioned before, it was a lead up definately.
He said he met her 2 months back but only started dating her a month back. And he loves everything about her, from the way she is, to the things she enjoys doing. Apparently, she doesn't like shopping, but like cars. Likes massages, backpacking. Doesn't like soft toys, branded goods. Well, all i can say is, i wish him happiness. Coz she is definately a player. And he knows that too. But i guess its the thrill of the chase for him. For TG as well. Anyway, he said he met TG at Suntec on Monday. Which is weird, coz TG said he won't be back for some time.
Anyway, he asked if i had any idea why he brought me up to watch fireworks. I told him i had my own theory but will keep it at that. No need to verify if i am right or wrong. Coz in the last few days, i have come to understand that i never really meant very much to him.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to admit that for the last 11 years, i have been wrong. That i have been prolonging this mistake only because i refuse to believe that i was wrong. And though now it is not easy, coz i am so set in my comfort zone, i know that it cannot persist.
I know it pointless and silly to brood about what has gone one between us, and whether he ever loved me. Or whether i was just constantly his time filler. Life goes on. I am entitled to another 4 days of grieving. If i get over it earlier, good for me.

Day Two

I know some of you will say i am crazy. And yet at the same time, i think i am. I'm not sure how i can immediately get him out of my system. And since i have said i will give myself 7 days to grief, and i am only on day 2, i am entitled to do stupid things. Is it possible to hurt yourself so much in the next 6 days such that the pain of losing him will not be as great as the hurt i've inflicted on myself? Funny theory, but gg to see if it works.