http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
一眼瞬间
白茫茫的星光 灑在長長路上
想念的冰涼 你知道嗎
淺淺的微笑 深似海的眼光
突然掀起我 滔天的巨浪
妳相信嗎 這是命嗎
這次我們放棄抵抗
那怕擁抱 在身上 劃下深深的傷
只要看你一眼一瞬間 哪怕是最後畫面
我的世界 因為愛過而完美 誰都不該離太遠
只要看你一眼一瞬間 足夠我熬過千年
我不後悔 愛若讓末日提前
我們要一起 好好迎接那句點
如果相愛是錯
錯過又算什麼
這一次我們 抵死不放手
往彼此的心裡跳 跳到天荒地老
Cute Test
| How Randomly Cute Is Your Personality? |
  Odd Cute Your just a bit odd, but its still cute. I would totally give you a hug.. but I don't trust strangers. |
| How do you compare? Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic |
你那么爱他/退後
直到爱消失你才懂得
去珍惜身边每个每好风景
只是他早已离去
直到你相逢
他早已经不在对你留恋
最后的你
开始了一段挣扎
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
为什么不说心里话
你深爱他
这是每个人都知道啊
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
是不是你有深爱的两个他
所以你不想再让自己无法自拔
天空灰的像哭过
离开你以后
并没有更自由
酸酸的空气
守住我们的距离
一幕醉心的结局
像呼吸般无法停息
抽屉泛黄的日记
找到了回忆
那笑容是傻气
你我的过去
被深深真的忘记
缺氧过后的爱情
存心的眼泪是多余
我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给的承诺
全被时间扑了空
我知道我们都没有错
只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情会一定带去
我知道我们都没有错
只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情回忆里带去(待续)
(相信你我还会有开始
只因我们都没有错)
去珍惜身边每个每好风景
只是他早已离去
直到你相逢
他早已经不在对你留恋
最后的你
开始了一段挣扎
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
为什么不说心里话
你深爱他
这是每个人都知道啊
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
是不是你有深爱的两个他
所以你不想再让自己无法自拔
天空灰的像哭过
离开你以后
并没有更自由
酸酸的空气
守住我们的距离
一幕醉心的结局
像呼吸般无法停息
抽屉泛黄的日记
找到了回忆
那笑容是傻气
你我的过去
被深深真的忘记
缺氧过后的爱情
存心的眼泪是多余
我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给的承诺
全被时间扑了空
我知道我们都没有错
只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情会一定带去
我知道我们都没有错
只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情回忆里带去(待续)
(相信你我还会有开始
只因我们都没有错)
To love or be loved?
This is a multi-million dollar question that none of us will ever have the answer for. Undeniably, the best situation which promises the only happiness according to George Sand would be to love and be loved at the very same time. If given no choice, would you rather love somebody or to be loved?
The irony of life probably prevents you from choosing either because the perfect happiness is unrealisable. John Templeton once said - Happiness comes from giving, not getting. If we try hard to bring happiness to others, we cannot stop it from coming to us also. As a general rule, I wouldn't deny the truth in this sentence but when it applies to the minute portions of our lives, I start to wonder if we're actually happy to keep giving and not sense any form of appreciation. To be able to reciprocate with a higher level of gift, I believe there should be some sincerity and genuineness in the receiving end.
Is being loved the same as feeling wanted affectionately?
Eventually, happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. All I want is to be happy.
The irony of life probably prevents you from choosing either because the perfect happiness is unrealisable. John Templeton once said - Happiness comes from giving, not getting. If we try hard to bring happiness to others, we cannot stop it from coming to us also. As a general rule, I wouldn't deny the truth in this sentence but when it applies to the minute portions of our lives, I start to wonder if we're actually happy to keep giving and not sense any form of appreciation. To be able to reciprocate with a higher level of gift, I believe there should be some sincerity and genuineness in the receiving end.
Is being loved the same as feeling wanted affectionately?
Eventually, happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. All I want is to be happy.
Meaningful lyrics
我怕来不及 我要抱着你
直到感觉你的皱纹 有了岁月的痕迹
直到肯定你是真的 直到失去力气
为了你 我愿意 动也不能动
也要看着你 直到感觉你的发线
有了白雪的痕迹 直到视线变得模糊
直到不能呼吸 让我们 形影不离
如果 全部世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你 值得我去珍惜
而你在这里 就是生命的奇迹
也许 全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意 失去你的消息
你掌心的志 我总记得在那里
我们好不容易 我们身不由已
我怕时间太快 不够将你看仔细
我怕时间太慢 日夜担心失去你
恨不得一夜之间白头 永不分离
直到感觉你的皱纹 有了岁月的痕迹
直到肯定你是真的 直到失去力气
为了你 我愿意 动也不能动
也要看着你 直到感觉你的发线
有了白雪的痕迹 直到视线变得模糊
直到不能呼吸 让我们 形影不离
如果 全部世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你 值得我去珍惜
而你在这里 就是生命的奇迹
也许 全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意 失去你的消息
你掌心的志 我总记得在那里
我们好不容易 我们身不由已
我怕时间太快 不够将你看仔细
我怕时间太慢 日夜担心失去你
恨不得一夜之间白头 永不分离
Friday, July 04, 2008
Nightmare
I didn't blog last night before heading to bed coz was rather tired and had a throbbing headache. So decided that i would just head off to bed after taking two panadols. Let me give a brief overview of yesterday. Pretty average day, spend some time with Darling, had fun. As usual, he has been supportive and encouraging. And i thank GOD each day for his presence in my life.Other then that, nothing of significance happened. So will fastforward to today.
Went to bed at about 12.30 after checking email, checked to see if market was making any progress. Then decided i would go to bed early last night. But i had the weirdest weirdest nightmare while i was sleeping. I woke up rudely at 2am gripping my bolster. I was super freaked out and tossed and turned, calmed myself down before falling asleep. The same dream occurred again and the next time i woke, it was 7.15am. I know the times only coz i was looking at my watch and seriously, i was super duper freaked out by the dream.
The dream i had has got some parts that don't quite make sense. But i suppose dreams are usually like that right? But the gist of the dream was enough to freak me out big time and i woke this morning feeling really really lousy. I know that it's merely a dream and might not even have any meaning to it. But whoa... scary.
The dream starts out at a funeral. And the funny thing is, at the funeral, Kor wasn't there. Only Mum and I. Doesn't take a genius to figure out who's funeral it was. Then after going to the crematorium, the dream jumped to a room. It looked like a hotel room and there were two single beds. Mum took a bed and i took the other. Then for some queer reason, the hotel staff told us that they needed us to move to a room upstairs for 2 days. I was rather grumpy and irritated and asked why we couldn't just stay in the current room. But the hotel staff said must move. So we packed everything and waited for help to bring the stuff upstairs. While i was walking along the corridor, i met Darling. He was with a bunch of friends. All in all there were 6 of them plus me. He looked surprised to see me as i was him.
We chat for a while and he asked me where i was putting up and how i was. I remember we offered to settle our stuff and head downstairs to the hotel bar for a drink. Everything seemed really normal at this point. I know i shared with him how i felt about dad passing away. I know we probably weren't dating anymore in the dream coz he seemed rather distant and it seemed like we haven't met each other in a long time. I told him in the dream that i missed him dearly and i remember he said, he was out with his friends, so no hanky panky. And i said i understood. But i asked if he would like to come to my room upstairs before heading back to his room.
So we went back to the room with two single beds. I hugged him and tried to kiss him, but he rejected me. Told me to have an early night. Then i asked him how long he would be staying in the hotel, and he said one more night only coz he would be taking a road trip with his friends. I asked for the place and he gave me some address.
The next scene had me getting a taxi and wanting to go to the address that Darling had earlier gave me. I remember in the taxi, i was rather tired and wanted desperately to sleep. But somehow, i didn't feel comfortable enough to sleep. So i did my best to stay awake. But my eyelids were so heavy. We travelled well into the night and there was this stretch of road that was really really pitch dark. It was so dark that i remembered thinking that i better not fall asleep and keep myself awake so can help the taxi uncle watch the road. But it was impossible to see anything ahead. And i asked the taxi guy, are you sure we should be driving in this darkness? Maybe we should take a break. And he told me there was no place to rest and we must just push on if not we would never make it. It was finally day time and we were approaching a funfair/ carnival. He told me that we were pretty near our destination but he had to stop at the carnival to pick up something from his friend. Then he told me that the roller coaster was very fun. I found myself under the roller coaster and wanted to ride in it. The people on the roller coaster all looked very happy. But somehow, before i got to the front of the queue, the taxi uncle was back and said we had to hurry.
Somehow this time round back in the taxi, i was way too tired. But visiting the funfair sort of made me feel a little more relaxed and i told the uncle i was very tired and could no longer keep my eyes opened. I asked him how far more it was to the place that i wanted to go. And he reassured me that we were going to be there soon and asked why not i take a nap and he would wake me up when we arrived. I fell asleep after that. When i next woke, i was in a rather run down place and i was very scared. I opened my eyes and there was the taxi uncle in front of me leering at me. Somehow i knew what he wanted and i fought him as hard as i could. But he still managed to overpower me and i woke up the first time round at the point when he broke one of my arms and tied the two arms together. This was at 2am.
The 2nd dream was quite similar with some parts more refined. But it was a continuation of after my arm broke. Basically to cut to the chase, the uncle raped me and i was at that dirty deserted place for a week, everyday, he would come in only to use me, he didn't give me any food or water and after a week, i was begging him for water and food. And he gave me a contract to sign and said if i signed the contract, he would let me go. I signed the contract and he finally gave me some food and water. At that point, i remember asking him whether he picked me randomly, or did i offend him in the past. He said no, that he was given instructions by someone. I woke at the point where i saw Darling walk into the deserted place.
The feelings that i went through in the dream was so bloody real. And i absolutely freaked out. I couldn't sleep after that coz i didn't want to dream the same dream again. Twice in a night was more then enough.
Went to bed at about 12.30 after checking email, checked to see if market was making any progress. Then decided i would go to bed early last night. But i had the weirdest weirdest nightmare while i was sleeping. I woke up rudely at 2am gripping my bolster. I was super freaked out and tossed and turned, calmed myself down before falling asleep. The same dream occurred again and the next time i woke, it was 7.15am. I know the times only coz i was looking at my watch and seriously, i was super duper freaked out by the dream.
The dream i had has got some parts that don't quite make sense. But i suppose dreams are usually like that right? But the gist of the dream was enough to freak me out big time and i woke this morning feeling really really lousy. I know that it's merely a dream and might not even have any meaning to it. But whoa... scary.
The dream starts out at a funeral. And the funny thing is, at the funeral, Kor wasn't there. Only Mum and I. Doesn't take a genius to figure out who's funeral it was. Then after going to the crematorium, the dream jumped to a room. It looked like a hotel room and there were two single beds. Mum took a bed and i took the other. Then for some queer reason, the hotel staff told us that they needed us to move to a room upstairs for 2 days. I was rather grumpy and irritated and asked why we couldn't just stay in the current room. But the hotel staff said must move. So we packed everything and waited for help to bring the stuff upstairs. While i was walking along the corridor, i met Darling. He was with a bunch of friends. All in all there were 6 of them plus me. He looked surprised to see me as i was him.
We chat for a while and he asked me where i was putting up and how i was. I remember we offered to settle our stuff and head downstairs to the hotel bar for a drink. Everything seemed really normal at this point. I know i shared with him how i felt about dad passing away. I know we probably weren't dating anymore in the dream coz he seemed rather distant and it seemed like we haven't met each other in a long time. I told him in the dream that i missed him dearly and i remember he said, he was out with his friends, so no hanky panky. And i said i understood. But i asked if he would like to come to my room upstairs before heading back to his room.
So we went back to the room with two single beds. I hugged him and tried to kiss him, but he rejected me. Told me to have an early night. Then i asked him how long he would be staying in the hotel, and he said one more night only coz he would be taking a road trip with his friends. I asked for the place and he gave me some address.
The next scene had me getting a taxi and wanting to go to the address that Darling had earlier gave me. I remember in the taxi, i was rather tired and wanted desperately to sleep. But somehow, i didn't feel comfortable enough to sleep. So i did my best to stay awake. But my eyelids were so heavy. We travelled well into the night and there was this stretch of road that was really really pitch dark. It was so dark that i remembered thinking that i better not fall asleep and keep myself awake so can help the taxi uncle watch the road. But it was impossible to see anything ahead. And i asked the taxi guy, are you sure we should be driving in this darkness? Maybe we should take a break. And he told me there was no place to rest and we must just push on if not we would never make it. It was finally day time and we were approaching a funfair/ carnival. He told me that we were pretty near our destination but he had to stop at the carnival to pick up something from his friend. Then he told me that the roller coaster was very fun. I found myself under the roller coaster and wanted to ride in it. The people on the roller coaster all looked very happy. But somehow, before i got to the front of the queue, the taxi uncle was back and said we had to hurry.
Somehow this time round back in the taxi, i was way too tired. But visiting the funfair sort of made me feel a little more relaxed and i told the uncle i was very tired and could no longer keep my eyes opened. I asked him how far more it was to the place that i wanted to go. And he reassured me that we were going to be there soon and asked why not i take a nap and he would wake me up when we arrived. I fell asleep after that. When i next woke, i was in a rather run down place and i was very scared. I opened my eyes and there was the taxi uncle in front of me leering at me. Somehow i knew what he wanted and i fought him as hard as i could. But he still managed to overpower me and i woke up the first time round at the point when he broke one of my arms and tied the two arms together. This was at 2am.
The 2nd dream was quite similar with some parts more refined. But it was a continuation of after my arm broke. Basically to cut to the chase, the uncle raped me and i was at that dirty deserted place for a week, everyday, he would come in only to use me, he didn't give me any food or water and after a week, i was begging him for water and food. And he gave me a contract to sign and said if i signed the contract, he would let me go. I signed the contract and he finally gave me some food and water. At that point, i remember asking him whether he picked me randomly, or did i offend him in the past. He said no, that he was given instructions by someone. I woke at the point where i saw Darling walk into the deserted place.
The feelings that i went through in the dream was so bloody real. And i absolutely freaked out. I couldn't sleep after that coz i didn't want to dream the same dream again. Twice in a night was more then enough.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Wacky Wednesday
What a weird an Wacky Wednesday it has been. Woke up, went to meet Darling. Then we go have breakfast together, then go bank drop cheque before heading back to rest a while. But didn't really get any rest. Then went to meet two of his friends. Then he had to go work liaoz. I also headed to work. Then supposed to meet Celine in town for coffee. Reached office at about 2ish, then went post office to pay for my long overdue road tax. It was cheaper then what the paper quoted. So was mighty happy that i paid less. =) Save some money.
Then after that, i went up to office to print some stuff, then submit some stuff. Talked to Genna for a while about GI stuff, and then realize i was going to be late to meet Celine. Then Celine said she had to rush for work after that and say why not we meet next week instead. So i also don't mind, since i still had things in office to do.
My hp beeped after a while, then i tot Celine changed her mind. But it was Guardian who sms me ask if i was in ofc. So i replied him and we met up for a while. Since after all, i was supposed to have appt, then think no harm meeting him up for coffee. We went to Kallang for coffee and had a long chat. I think he is so over me. And i think i am as well. But i feel that we still care about each other as friends. Ok. Maybe very important friends. Like best friends. But i know that there is nothing going on between us. As in for a long time now we've not crossed the boundaries of friendship. But he said his girlfriend was upset about my presence in his life. Eh.. like what presence. We sms each other like once every couple of months and sometimes when we're busy, we forget even. So what is there to be jealous about?
Anyway, after that it started to drizzle. So he sent me back home. We did more talking along the way. And i guess for a while, i sorta missed us. Not so much the fact the love we used to have for each other. But more the comfort of being around each other. I don't doubt the fact that at some point of time, we did love each other. But i think we're past that. The love has evolved to that of really great friends or even maybe like family. And anyway, he got nothing that he wants from me, he won't call me or sms me one. So i figured he might want something from me. But he didn't say when he dropped me off. Just said that we'll always be the best of friends no matter what happens.
Was supposed to meet Darling after that for dinner. Felt that i really wanted to be honest with him and also to let him know that there is nothing going on between Guardian and i anymore. That we're just friends. But like it made Darling a little sad. And that made me sad too. I guess sometimes, being honest doesn't quite pay. We didn't fight or anything. But could feel that he was quite affected. And i really didn't know how to console him. Then when we were about to head home, Guardian smsed me with what he wanted.
I guess that's the bad part about knowing a person too well. He said he wanted me to talk to his girlfriend and explain to her that there is nothing going on between us. It affected me a little. I guess i expected him to ask a favour from me. But i was upset that each time i have to be right. That he constantly gets me to help him out in each relationship. Hasn't he already figured out by now that any relationship takes work and that it has to come from him and not his ex. What a joke! Anyway, i felt a little irritated also coz the last time also like that. And each time, the new girlfriend just wants reassurance from me that he will not cheat on them. How the hell am i supposed to give them the reassurance when in our whole relationship i also never expect that he doesn't cheat on me?
Then they will try to find out if i still love him and care for him. And overnight they expect us to erase 12 years worth of memories and feelings. I cannot lor. I was pretty upfront with Darling last night. I told him i would be lying if i said i didn't feel anything for Guardian. I still care lots for him. Just that i am tired of the farce of a relationship that we are having. I am tired of him constantly changing his mind etc. So, why give myself this sort of headache and heartache. But i cannot look anyone in the eye and say without a shred of doubt that i no longer feel any thing for him. I have always been someone that values relationships and friendships a lot. So how can i say that? It would be a lie. Anyway, i know that i might have hurt Darling in the process. But i really don't know how to wipe 12 years of relationship off overnight. I probably need some time.
But i am in a dilemma. I also dun want Darling to be upset. I really really want him to be happy. I feel that he has put in so much effort to make me happy and the least i could do is do the same for him. Darling once asked me will i leave him and go back to my ex. But yesterday when i met Guardian then i realize that the answer is no. Coz when i see Guardian, i only see my failings and lots of disappointment. I care yes, but the disappointments far outweigh the love of any sort. As for Darling, i also feel that there is no future. But even in a realtionship that has no future, i feel safer and more secure with Darling. I guess the difference is between knowing someone will definitely leave you and fearing that the person might leave you. And that's the key difference between Guardian and Darling. Last night Darling said my life quite tough. =) Maybe ba. Only because i am constantly in love with the wrong guy. Once in a while, i think maybe also because of all the disappointments and failings, i have stopped believing that one day i will find someone who will truly love me and what to be with me. I have stopped believing that maybe one day some guy will really treasure me. Or that i might be good enough for the guy to value me. So, truth is, whatever happens happens.
Then after that, i went up to office to print some stuff, then submit some stuff. Talked to Genna for a while about GI stuff, and then realize i was going to be late to meet Celine. Then Celine said she had to rush for work after that and say why not we meet next week instead. So i also don't mind, since i still had things in office to do.
My hp beeped after a while, then i tot Celine changed her mind. But it was Guardian who sms me ask if i was in ofc. So i replied him and we met up for a while. Since after all, i was supposed to have appt, then think no harm meeting him up for coffee. We went to Kallang for coffee and had a long chat. I think he is so over me. And i think i am as well. But i feel that we still care about each other as friends. Ok. Maybe very important friends. Like best friends. But i know that there is nothing going on between us. As in for a long time now we've not crossed the boundaries of friendship. But he said his girlfriend was upset about my presence in his life. Eh.. like what presence. We sms each other like once every couple of months and sometimes when we're busy, we forget even. So what is there to be jealous about?
Anyway, after that it started to drizzle. So he sent me back home. We did more talking along the way. And i guess for a while, i sorta missed us. Not so much the fact the love we used to have for each other. But more the comfort of being around each other. I don't doubt the fact that at some point of time, we did love each other. But i think we're past that. The love has evolved to that of really great friends or even maybe like family. And anyway, he got nothing that he wants from me, he won't call me or sms me one. So i figured he might want something from me. But he didn't say when he dropped me off. Just said that we'll always be the best of friends no matter what happens.
Was supposed to meet Darling after that for dinner. Felt that i really wanted to be honest with him and also to let him know that there is nothing going on between Guardian and i anymore. That we're just friends. But like it made Darling a little sad. And that made me sad too. I guess sometimes, being honest doesn't quite pay. We didn't fight or anything. But could feel that he was quite affected. And i really didn't know how to console him. Then when we were about to head home, Guardian smsed me with what he wanted.
I guess that's the bad part about knowing a person too well. He said he wanted me to talk to his girlfriend and explain to her that there is nothing going on between us. It affected me a little. I guess i expected him to ask a favour from me. But i was upset that each time i have to be right. That he constantly gets me to help him out in each relationship. Hasn't he already figured out by now that any relationship takes work and that it has to come from him and not his ex. What a joke! Anyway, i felt a little irritated also coz the last time also like that. And each time, the new girlfriend just wants reassurance from me that he will not cheat on them. How the hell am i supposed to give them the reassurance when in our whole relationship i also never expect that he doesn't cheat on me?
Then they will try to find out if i still love him and care for him. And overnight they expect us to erase 12 years worth of memories and feelings. I cannot lor. I was pretty upfront with Darling last night. I told him i would be lying if i said i didn't feel anything for Guardian. I still care lots for him. Just that i am tired of the farce of a relationship that we are having. I am tired of him constantly changing his mind etc. So, why give myself this sort of headache and heartache. But i cannot look anyone in the eye and say without a shred of doubt that i no longer feel any thing for him. I have always been someone that values relationships and friendships a lot. So how can i say that? It would be a lie. Anyway, i know that i might have hurt Darling in the process. But i really don't know how to wipe 12 years of relationship off overnight. I probably need some time.
But i am in a dilemma. I also dun want Darling to be upset. I really really want him to be happy. I feel that he has put in so much effort to make me happy and the least i could do is do the same for him. Darling once asked me will i leave him and go back to my ex. But yesterday when i met Guardian then i realize that the answer is no. Coz when i see Guardian, i only see my failings and lots of disappointment. I care yes, but the disappointments far outweigh the love of any sort. As for Darling, i also feel that there is no future. But even in a realtionship that has no future, i feel safer and more secure with Darling. I guess the difference is between knowing someone will definitely leave you and fearing that the person might leave you. And that's the key difference between Guardian and Darling. Last night Darling said my life quite tough. =) Maybe ba. Only because i am constantly in love with the wrong guy. Once in a while, i think maybe also because of all the disappointments and failings, i have stopped believing that one day i will find someone who will truly love me and what to be with me. I have stopped believing that maybe one day some guy will really treasure me. Or that i might be good enough for the guy to value me. So, truth is, whatever happens happens.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
The trip up
If there was a way to describe Tuesday, it would be described as the trip up. The day didn't start on a high note. After managing about 3 hours of sleep, i was in no position to think clearly. I still had no plan. I still didn't know what it was i was going to do. But i knew that i wouldn't want to regret any decisions that i made while i was half awake.
Woke up pretty early, wanted to finish watching the show that Darling recommended to me. Big Fish. My reviews of the show later. =) Anyway, almost made it to the end before meeting Darling for breaky. But when i saw him, my mind was thrown into confusion and my heart was in turmoil. Was i ready and willing to really give this all up? The little voice in my head was asking, can i just not be bothered and be selfish? But the other voice echoed to me that growing up and being matured is not just about taking the easy way out. But to deal with the tough things.
So, we sat there having breaky and i asked if our trip to Perth was confirmed. He saw right through me i think. He asked if i was having second thoughts about going. I guess people can really read me like an open book. Anyway, we didn't talk much during breaky. I really didn't have any appetite. Just ate a little, smoked my ciggie and drank my tea. Then after we walked back to the car, he asked me what i wanted to do. Or where i wanted to go. I said i wanted to go to his place.
I saw a moment of hesitation in his eyes. And it confused me. Coz he had mentioned previously twice that he wanted to invite me to his place. And yet when i finally brought it up, it seemed to be a tough decision for him. I guess when i asked him that, i can compare it to the feeling of being told i only had a month to live and i wanted to do everything with him before i moved on. I wanted us to have a whole collection of beautiful memories.
When we got to his place, it seemed that he had loosened up a bit and was a little more relaxed. He was all over the house, showing me his coin collection, his first day covers, his notes collections, his toy cars. He wanted to show me his toy pictures. For an instance, i saw the little boy in him run out. And if he was a child, he must have been a very kind and sharing little boy. Coz he seemed like he wanted to share the bits and pieces of his life with me. I made a statement when he couldn't find some pictures like, eh, you think next time no chance to show me meh? Or something to that effect. At that point of time, the thought running through my head was, will there be a next time or is this going to be the last?
Anyway, he had to go off to work after that. And my meeting had gotten cancelled once again, and so i decided that i should go home and finish watching the Big Fish movie coz there was still 25mins more to the ending. And i figured i could sneak a 15 min nap before heading out. But didn't in the end. I finished the show, and he called, and we talked. And talked. And talked. And i shared with him how i felt in the morning. I knew it would hurt him even if i didn't really end things with him. I knew that it wasn't fair to him. That maybe although i said i didn't mind being with him, there was a bit of me that was afraid that at the end of the day, it would not be him and his family that got hurt. That it would be me who got hurt with no one to turn to. But earlier on when he called, he shared a really great piece of news with me. And i figured the great news would cushion whatever i wanted to share with him. I told him the emotions that i went through and the thoughts that ran through my head. But i told him that ultimately, i really do love him.
Anyway, we chatted till he had to meet someone, and i asked if he would call after work. Was pretty tired actually, but didn't dare to fall asleep coz i knew if i slept, i might miss his call. So, i hung in there and he called and we chatted for another 10minutes before he hung up when he got home. I didn't expect to see him the rest of the evening.
Anyway, Dad came home, he looked really troubled, so went with daddy for kopi while Daddy ate dinner. We talked about really really serious stuff and i was dreading it more and more as the conversation progressed. Where in the world am i going to find 200k if i want things to work out as planned? Is it possible? Hmmm.. What can i do that is legal and still make 200k? Toughie...
Anyway, the serious conversation took longer then expected and i got back home late, changed and rush out to meet TG for dinner. Yup. TG was back in town after 3 odd months of us missing each other each time he was back, or work for him, or me, or training for me etc. We met up at our usual Jap place. It was a nice meeting coz we haven't seen each other in ages. Plus, it satisfied my craving for jap food. Plus, we had decent conversation. But i guess what was really really nice was that he said he was proud of me coz he feels that i've matured in the last couple of years. And especially so this year. That he feels like i've grown up a lot in the last couple of months.
After meeting him, i went back to meet up with Darling. It was obviously past his bedtime and he looked really tired. And my heart really went out to him. But i know he hung in there coz he wanted to go for the appt with me and help me close the case. =) I really thank GOD for bringing Darling to my life. We hung out for a short while after the appt ended, and i could feel that he was getting more and more tired. Finally we headed back home.
Today just went from not so good to an extremely fantastic day. Our(Darling and I) conversation in the afternoon really made me feel a lot better. Made me feel a little more confident of our relationship. And there was dinner with TG. The fact that we didn't meet very often, that we really lived in two different worlds, but we would always find common topics to chat about and dinner conversations are never dull. Then back home to close a case. And getting to see Darling again when i thought we wouldn't meet tonight. So.. on a scale of 1-10, i would say today was close to an 8.
Dear GOD, thank you for bringing Darling to my life. For showing me what love really is. For giving me another Guardian angel who showers me with lots of love and attention. Who is sensitive to my needs, my thoughts and my feelings. Lord, i thank you for making me feel like i'm important all over again. And for letting me feel more and more each day that i still have many things i have not accomplished, that i want to do more each day, that you have sent someone to teach me and tell me that i can accomplish great things and that i am worth more then i have ever felt i was worth. Thank you GOD. But please please Lord, let me enjoy what you have given me for long. Please make things between us work out and not take him away from me. Lord, thanks for bring him to my life to show me what is happiness. To wipe my tears away and draw a smile on my face again. Something that even i have missed while looking in the mirror. And of late, i find myself grinning to myself when i think of him. Lord, i promise to be good if you'll just allow him to stay in my life. In Jesus name i pray, Amen.
Great day. Sleepy with joy! =) Nitez
Woke up pretty early, wanted to finish watching the show that Darling recommended to me. Big Fish. My reviews of the show later. =) Anyway, almost made it to the end before meeting Darling for breaky. But when i saw him, my mind was thrown into confusion and my heart was in turmoil. Was i ready and willing to really give this all up? The little voice in my head was asking, can i just not be bothered and be selfish? But the other voice echoed to me that growing up and being matured is not just about taking the easy way out. But to deal with the tough things.
So, we sat there having breaky and i asked if our trip to Perth was confirmed. He saw right through me i think. He asked if i was having second thoughts about going. I guess people can really read me like an open book. Anyway, we didn't talk much during breaky. I really didn't have any appetite. Just ate a little, smoked my ciggie and drank my tea. Then after we walked back to the car, he asked me what i wanted to do. Or where i wanted to go. I said i wanted to go to his place.
I saw a moment of hesitation in his eyes. And it confused me. Coz he had mentioned previously twice that he wanted to invite me to his place. And yet when i finally brought it up, it seemed to be a tough decision for him. I guess when i asked him that, i can compare it to the feeling of being told i only had a month to live and i wanted to do everything with him before i moved on. I wanted us to have a whole collection of beautiful memories.
When we got to his place, it seemed that he had loosened up a bit and was a little more relaxed. He was all over the house, showing me his coin collection, his first day covers, his notes collections, his toy cars. He wanted to show me his toy pictures. For an instance, i saw the little boy in him run out. And if he was a child, he must have been a very kind and sharing little boy. Coz he seemed like he wanted to share the bits and pieces of his life with me. I made a statement when he couldn't find some pictures like, eh, you think next time no chance to show me meh? Or something to that effect. At that point of time, the thought running through my head was, will there be a next time or is this going to be the last?
Anyway, he had to go off to work after that. And my meeting had gotten cancelled once again, and so i decided that i should go home and finish watching the Big Fish movie coz there was still 25mins more to the ending. And i figured i could sneak a 15 min nap before heading out. But didn't in the end. I finished the show, and he called, and we talked. And talked. And talked. And i shared with him how i felt in the morning. I knew it would hurt him even if i didn't really end things with him. I knew that it wasn't fair to him. That maybe although i said i didn't mind being with him, there was a bit of me that was afraid that at the end of the day, it would not be him and his family that got hurt. That it would be me who got hurt with no one to turn to. But earlier on when he called, he shared a really great piece of news with me. And i figured the great news would cushion whatever i wanted to share with him. I told him the emotions that i went through and the thoughts that ran through my head. But i told him that ultimately, i really do love him.
Anyway, we chatted till he had to meet someone, and i asked if he would call after work. Was pretty tired actually, but didn't dare to fall asleep coz i knew if i slept, i might miss his call. So, i hung in there and he called and we chatted for another 10minutes before he hung up when he got home. I didn't expect to see him the rest of the evening.
Anyway, Dad came home, he looked really troubled, so went with daddy for kopi while Daddy ate dinner. We talked about really really serious stuff and i was dreading it more and more as the conversation progressed. Where in the world am i going to find 200k if i want things to work out as planned? Is it possible? Hmmm.. What can i do that is legal and still make 200k? Toughie...
Anyway, the serious conversation took longer then expected and i got back home late, changed and rush out to meet TG for dinner. Yup. TG was back in town after 3 odd months of us missing each other each time he was back, or work for him, or me, or training for me etc. We met up at our usual Jap place. It was a nice meeting coz we haven't seen each other in ages. Plus, it satisfied my craving for jap food. Plus, we had decent conversation. But i guess what was really really nice was that he said he was proud of me coz he feels that i've matured in the last couple of years. And especially so this year. That he feels like i've grown up a lot in the last couple of months.
After meeting him, i went back to meet up with Darling. It was obviously past his bedtime and he looked really tired. And my heart really went out to him. But i know he hung in there coz he wanted to go for the appt with me and help me close the case. =) I really thank GOD for bringing Darling to my life. We hung out for a short while after the appt ended, and i could feel that he was getting more and more tired. Finally we headed back home.
Today just went from not so good to an extremely fantastic day. Our(Darling and I) conversation in the afternoon really made me feel a lot better. Made me feel a little more confident of our relationship. And there was dinner with TG. The fact that we didn't meet very often, that we really lived in two different worlds, but we would always find common topics to chat about and dinner conversations are never dull. Then back home to close a case. And getting to see Darling again when i thought we wouldn't meet tonight. So.. on a scale of 1-10, i would say today was close to an 8.
Dear GOD, thank you for bringing Darling to my life. For showing me what love really is. For giving me another Guardian angel who showers me with lots of love and attention. Who is sensitive to my needs, my thoughts and my feelings. Lord, i thank you for making me feel like i'm important all over again. And for letting me feel more and more each day that i still have many things i have not accomplished, that i want to do more each day, that you have sent someone to teach me and tell me that i can accomplish great things and that i am worth more then i have ever felt i was worth. Thank you GOD. But please please Lord, let me enjoy what you have given me for long. Please make things between us work out and not take him away from me. Lord, thanks for bring him to my life to show me what is happiness. To wipe my tears away and draw a smile on my face again. Something that even i have missed while looking in the mirror. And of late, i find myself grinning to myself when i think of him. Lord, i promise to be good if you'll just allow him to stay in my life. In Jesus name i pray, Amen.
Great day. Sleepy with joy! =) Nitez
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Growing up
Can't sleep so sat up in bed finally and decided to drop a note. Came home at about 12.30 after spending the night with Darling. It was nice. We hung out while he was doing his work. For a moment i could see myself doing this with him. Growing old. Enjoying each other's company. So all in all, Monday was not a blue day, but a fantastic day.
I now have to make a decision. I don't know how to make this decision coz there are so many variables. So many angles. It's a tough call. A hard decision to make. Maybe at the back of my mind, the decision has been made already. But i don't know to execute the plan. I have a vague idea. But the mind is willing, the heart is not.
Life throws us curveballs all the time. Maybe it's all part and parcel of growing up. i really dunno. Must be one of the hardest decision i have had to make all my life really. There really is no Right way. And i hate it when there is no Right way. Damn.
I now have to make a decision. I don't know how to make this decision coz there are so many variables. So many angles. It's a tough call. A hard decision to make. Maybe at the back of my mind, the decision has been made already. But i don't know to execute the plan. I have a vague idea. But the mind is willing, the heart is not.
Life throws us curveballs all the time. Maybe it's all part and parcel of growing up. i really dunno. Must be one of the hardest decision i have had to make all my life really. There really is no Right way. And i hate it when there is no Right way. Damn.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Monday Monday
Alright. Admittedly, Today was a whole lot better then yesterday. Managed to straighten out some stuff, managed to settle some errands. Yippie! Plus meeting got postponed to tomorrow afternoon. Really doubt the excuse given. But all in all, it was a pretty decent day till now. 5.30pm. Hehe
Morning woke up, then did some consolidation of accounts, money, packed up cupboard, and then Darling said he can only meet me for lunch at about 11am. So i did what i had to do at home, then off to meet him for lunch before heading back to office for
agency meeting. But, while in the car, manager sms say meeting was canceled due to his uncle passing away. Just a huge coincidence that there was Euro finals last night. Hmm... But i'm not complaining lah. Coz that gave me time to run my errands today. But that is another story.
Anyway, met Darling for lunch. He came to pick me up. Quite cute though. Honestly, after the exhausting day yesterday emotionally, i was still rather apprehensive. But also wanted to meet him. Just didn't know how i felt when i met him. But he was super duper sweet. He said he see me so sad yesterday, then wanted to cheer me up. So he gave me a really really really sweet surprise. It wasn't the cost of the present that brought a smile to my face. It was the thought behind it. Just like the last time when he bought me the little teddy that says 'I Love You'. And cakes of course. Anyway, it's this pendant which has a heart and a little monkey in the centre. The monkey turns when the pendant moves. Really cute. Will post a pic of it after i take a picture. So it came in this jewelery box. Then i said i wanted to guess what it was. Then ask him to give me a clue. Hee....
So he said it's not a ring. So what else can it be? Hmm... Like only 2 other things left for a small square box. Either a pendant or ear rings. But i figured it would be a pendant. Although for a split second there was a part of me that wished it was a ring. Hee.. Not wedding ring lah. Just one of those couple rings. But hard for him to explain why he wearing another ring also. And if its a couple ring and only i wear it, then it defeats the whole purpose of the ring. Ok. I digress. Back to the story. Anyway, i was pleasantly surprised of course. Coz last night by the time we came home, it was quite late and i dun suppose any shops were opened. And this morning, he had to work and after work, he said he was going to meet his uncle for a while. Plus, i never expected a present. So, it was really nice. =)
But i guess at the back of my head, i also feel that he shouldn't waste the money. Although he says if spending a little money can make me happy, he doesn't mind. Anyway, bottom line is it was very very nice. I sometimes question myself and ask if i will truly be contented. But i know the insecure part of me would rather there be no other woman. That even if i had to spend the rest of my lifetime without presents and have his presence all the time, then it would be worth it. But again, beggars can't be choosers right? So i am still pleased with the present that he picked. But i suppose i don't want him to spend money buying me gifts coz i want him to feel that the reason that i'm with him is because i truly care and adore him. And not because of what he can give me or the presents that he showers on me. It's the attention, the care and the love that he showers on me that matters most to me.
He told me once that his ex made him buy a lot of things for her. And that she spent his money indiscriminately. I guess i've always been the sort of girl that would spend within my means. That if i feel like i can't afford to pay for dinner at a fancy restaurant, or if i can't afford something, i would either work harder, earn more or not have it. I would never expect the guy to buy me something. Of course i enjoy receiving gifts. Of course if the guy was a billionaire, and i could have anything in the world i wanted, my wish would still be the same. That i could have his whole heart. =) But i must say, i wouldn't mind having his whole heart plus shitloads of money to spend. But paying for items on your own versus someone buying them for you is also a different feeling. Right? Anyway, i really just hope he feels that buying me something makes him happy and therefore makes me happy as well, rather then buying me something makes me happy and therefore makes me happy. What's the huge difference? Considering both of us are ultimately happy you ask? Well, if it makes him happy, and in me seeing that he is happy makes me happy, then it is without a shred of doubt that his happiness is more important to me. But if it is the other way round, then there might come a day where he feel obliged to spend to make me happy. And i really really don't want that.
I guess i also want to be special and different in his eyes. I want him to know and feel that no matter whether he is rich or poor, i would still want to be with him and take care of him. That my adoration for him is not measure by the zeros in his bank. I've seen many women who date a married man because of what they can provide for them or the money that he gives her etc. But i want him to know that i am with him because love is something that is hard to explain. And because i love him, i choose to accept him for who he is. Yesterday Kor asked me if i was married, and my husband has another woman outside, what would i do? And i said, if i was the wife, i would probably condone it. Here's the important word. CONDONE. Not ACCEPT.
Whats the difference?
Accept:
to endure without protest or reaction
to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable
to give admittance or approval to
Condone:
to regard or treat (something bad or blameworthy) as acceptable, forgivable, or harmless (a government accused of condoning racism)
Essentially, both words have similar meanings. But note the words in bold. Maybe i feel that it is wrong, and therefore i say i will close an eye to it, as long as he takes care of the home and that in his eyes, i'm still no1. But then again, this is all subjective. Like how do i know for a fact that in my husband's eyes, i'm no.1 and the woman that he is dating outside is no2? I guess i would not know. But which woman doesn't want to be no. 1 in the man's eyes? To know for a fact that you're the most treasured and important person to the man. That really, through thick and thin, through good and bad, two of us would stick by each other and be around for each other? I think it takes a lot of confidence to be able to feel this. To be able to know. Both parties must carry on playing a part for this to happen. Anyway, Kor was teasing me. Coz he ask me, then today, you are not the wife. So does it mean you're no. 2? Honestly, i also don't know how to answer him. But i gave him this very cute answer which he burst out laughing. I said, also good mah. At least from day 1 i know i'm no. 2, so nothing to say if i never become no. 1. Also, there will always be a goal to move towards being no. 1. Plus, in a way, i have nothing to lose, coz i never had it in the first place. I know it's really warped thinking. Then i also told Kor that one day if i become no.1, i would be afraid of losing it all. So, like that also good lah. Of course if he leaves i would be sad. And i would be heart brokened. But, maybe being no.2 isn't all that bad, coz you know deep down in your heart that right from day 1, there was not commitment in the first place.
Anyway, i obviously have digressed too much. So, after lunch, Darling sent me home and i went do run my errands. Went LTA to do bike inspection. The uncle there very nice. He say he help me pass my inspection. Then after that talk to me about my bike, why i ride bike etc. Then ask if my bike got any problem. Then i tell him my bike erp dunno why sometimes work sometimes don't work. Then just change last year, then this year spoil again. Then he ask me go to the erp area there to check. Then ask another uncle check for me. Hehe.. Then the other uncle check for me liao say dunno why not working. But will change one more unit for me. Then i ask how much, then he say still under warranty coz last year then change, so it's FREE!!!!!! Yippie. And now i have a erp unit that works, which means i can travel around at any time i want and anywhere in Singapore and i can park even when i don't have parking coupons!
Finally left LTA, then head to JE Central to do bike insurance and road tax. Waited damn long. But in the time i waited, i managed to do my banking stuff and pay my bills. But quite stupid of me, coz actually, if i had just turned the insurance paper around, then i didn't have to wait so long. Coz could have settled the insurance online and the road tax payment has an express counter. Anyway, waited for about 1.5hrs, then reach the counter, do insurance liaoz, then cannot do road tax, coz my vehicle no was flagged. Anyway, called LTA and got it sorted out. Apparently, i have some problems with my IU unit. But since they change new one for me already, then they unflagged my bike. So tomorrow can go post office to pay road tax, and i am once again legal on the road! Hehe....
Decided to come home after leaving JE central, coz a bit too late to go office submit stuff, and no intention of going to town in the evening to squeeze with the rest of the people who just got off work. So maybe tomorrow then go town.
All in all, a very very decent day till now. Meeting Darling later in the night. *keep fingers crossed that we will have a nice nice time out and so, today will end on a positive note.
Oh yeah, just now Darling sms say he wants my heart. Then i sms him back say he has 70% of my heart liaoz. Frankly speaking, i'm quite crazy about Darling. I really really hope that our relationship will last. And that things will always work out between us, that if we fight, we'll always find a way to resolve the fight and will always still look forward to seeing each other, spending time with each other and loving each other. =) Ok, maybe blog later tonight ya... Go do some stuff now. Tata...
Morning woke up, then did some consolidation of accounts, money, packed up cupboard, and then Darling said he can only meet me for lunch at about 11am. So i did what i had to do at home, then off to meet him for lunch before heading back to office for
agency meeting. But, while in the car, manager sms say meeting was canceled due to his uncle passing away. Just a huge coincidence that there was Euro finals last night. Hmm... But i'm not complaining lah. Coz that gave me time to run my errands today. But that is another story.
Anyway, met Darling for lunch. He came to pick me up. Quite cute though. Honestly, after the exhausting day yesterday emotionally, i was still rather apprehensive. But also wanted to meet him. Just didn't know how i felt when i met him. But he was super duper sweet. He said he see me so sad yesterday, then wanted to cheer me up. So he gave me a really really really sweet surprise. It wasn't the cost of the present that brought a smile to my face. It was the thought behind it. Just like the last time when he bought me the little teddy that says 'I Love You'. And cakes of course. Anyway, it's this pendant which has a heart and a little monkey in the centre. The monkey turns when the pendant moves. Really cute. Will post a pic of it after i take a picture. So it came in this jewelery box. Then i said i wanted to guess what it was. Then ask him to give me a clue. Hee....
So he said it's not a ring. So what else can it be? Hmm... Like only 2 other things left for a small square box. Either a pendant or ear rings. But i figured it would be a pendant. Although for a split second there was a part of me that wished it was a ring. Hee.. Not wedding ring lah. Just one of those couple rings. But hard for him to explain why he wearing another ring also. And if its a couple ring and only i wear it, then it defeats the whole purpose of the ring. Ok. I digress. Back to the story. Anyway, i was pleasantly surprised of course. Coz last night by the time we came home, it was quite late and i dun suppose any shops were opened. And this morning, he had to work and after work, he said he was going to meet his uncle for a while. Plus, i never expected a present. So, it was really nice. =)
But i guess at the back of my head, i also feel that he shouldn't waste the money. Although he says if spending a little money can make me happy, he doesn't mind. Anyway, bottom line is it was very very nice. I sometimes question myself and ask if i will truly be contented. But i know the insecure part of me would rather there be no other woman. That even if i had to spend the rest of my lifetime without presents and have his presence all the time, then it would be worth it. But again, beggars can't be choosers right? So i am still pleased with the present that he picked. But i suppose i don't want him to spend money buying me gifts coz i want him to feel that the reason that i'm with him is because i truly care and adore him. And not because of what he can give me or the presents that he showers on me. It's the attention, the care and the love that he showers on me that matters most to me.
He told me once that his ex made him buy a lot of things for her. And that she spent his money indiscriminately. I guess i've always been the sort of girl that would spend within my means. That if i feel like i can't afford to pay for dinner at a fancy restaurant, or if i can't afford something, i would either work harder, earn more or not have it. I would never expect the guy to buy me something. Of course i enjoy receiving gifts. Of course if the guy was a billionaire, and i could have anything in the world i wanted, my wish would still be the same. That i could have his whole heart. =) But i must say, i wouldn't mind having his whole heart plus shitloads of money to spend. But paying for items on your own versus someone buying them for you is also a different feeling. Right? Anyway, i really just hope he feels that buying me something makes him happy and therefore makes me happy as well, rather then buying me something makes me happy and therefore makes me happy. What's the huge difference? Considering both of us are ultimately happy you ask? Well, if it makes him happy, and in me seeing that he is happy makes me happy, then it is without a shred of doubt that his happiness is more important to me. But if it is the other way round, then there might come a day where he feel obliged to spend to make me happy. And i really really don't want that.
I guess i also want to be special and different in his eyes. I want him to know and feel that no matter whether he is rich or poor, i would still want to be with him and take care of him. That my adoration for him is not measure by the zeros in his bank. I've seen many women who date a married man because of what they can provide for them or the money that he gives her etc. But i want him to know that i am with him because love is something that is hard to explain. And because i love him, i choose to accept him for who he is. Yesterday Kor asked me if i was married, and my husband has another woman outside, what would i do? And i said, if i was the wife, i would probably condone it. Here's the important word. CONDONE. Not ACCEPT.
Whats the difference?
Accept:
to endure without protest or reaction
to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable
to give admittance or approval to
Condone:
to regard or treat (something bad or blameworthy) as acceptable, forgivable, or harmless (a government accused of condoning racism)
Essentially, both words have similar meanings. But note the words in bold. Maybe i feel that it is wrong, and therefore i say i will close an eye to it, as long as he takes care of the home and that in his eyes, i'm still no1. But then again, this is all subjective. Like how do i know for a fact that in my husband's eyes, i'm no.1 and the woman that he is dating outside is no2? I guess i would not know. But which woman doesn't want to be no. 1 in the man's eyes? To know for a fact that you're the most treasured and important person to the man. That really, through thick and thin, through good and bad, two of us would stick by each other and be around for each other? I think it takes a lot of confidence to be able to feel this. To be able to know. Both parties must carry on playing a part for this to happen. Anyway, Kor was teasing me. Coz he ask me, then today, you are not the wife. So does it mean you're no. 2? Honestly, i also don't know how to answer him. But i gave him this very cute answer which he burst out laughing. I said, also good mah. At least from day 1 i know i'm no. 2, so nothing to say if i never become no. 1. Also, there will always be a goal to move towards being no. 1. Plus, in a way, i have nothing to lose, coz i never had it in the first place. I know it's really warped thinking. Then i also told Kor that one day if i become no.1, i would be afraid of losing it all. So, like that also good lah. Of course if he leaves i would be sad. And i would be heart brokened. But, maybe being no.2 isn't all that bad, coz you know deep down in your heart that right from day 1, there was not commitment in the first place.
Anyway, i obviously have digressed too much. So, after lunch, Darling sent me home and i went do run my errands. Went LTA to do bike inspection. The uncle there very nice. He say he help me pass my inspection. Then after that talk to me about my bike, why i ride bike etc. Then ask if my bike got any problem. Then i tell him my bike erp dunno why sometimes work sometimes don't work. Then just change last year, then this year spoil again. Then he ask me go to the erp area there to check. Then ask another uncle check for me. Hehe.. Then the other uncle check for me liao say dunno why not working. But will change one more unit for me. Then i ask how much, then he say still under warranty coz last year then change, so it's FREE!!!!!! Yippie. And now i have a erp unit that works, which means i can travel around at any time i want and anywhere in Singapore and i can park even when i don't have parking coupons!
Finally left LTA, then head to JE Central to do bike insurance and road tax. Waited damn long. But in the time i waited, i managed to do my banking stuff and pay my bills. But quite stupid of me, coz actually, if i had just turned the insurance paper around, then i didn't have to wait so long. Coz could have settled the insurance online and the road tax payment has an express counter. Anyway, waited for about 1.5hrs, then reach the counter, do insurance liaoz, then cannot do road tax, coz my vehicle no was flagged. Anyway, called LTA and got it sorted out. Apparently, i have some problems with my IU unit. But since they change new one for me already, then they unflagged my bike. So tomorrow can go post office to pay road tax, and i am once again legal on the road! Hehe....
Decided to come home after leaving JE central, coz a bit too late to go office submit stuff, and no intention of going to town in the evening to squeeze with the rest of the people who just got off work. So maybe tomorrow then go town.
All in all, a very very decent day till now. Meeting Darling later in the night. *keep fingers crossed that we will have a nice nice time out and so, today will end on a positive note.
Oh yeah, just now Darling sms say he wants my heart. Then i sms him back say he has 70% of my heart liaoz. Frankly speaking, i'm quite crazy about Darling. I really really hope that our relationship will last. And that things will always work out between us, that if we fight, we'll always find a way to resolve the fight and will always still look forward to seeing each other, spending time with each other and loving each other. =) Ok, maybe blog later tonight ya... Go do some stuff now. Tata...
Running away
I so very much want to run away. I really can't deal with the well of emotions that are going through my mind and my heart right now. Right from the day when i decided to call it quits with Guardian, because i really couldn't handle it any longer. I really couldn't stand the 9 lousy days and 1 good day. I couldn't handle the fact that i was always second best. I couldn't handle putting my life on hold just coz i wanted to please him. I couldn't handle the fact that each time he came back, he came back with the same promises. And each time he left, he took those promises he made and a little bit of my shattered heart.
And so, when he left, i told myself that i was never going to do this again. Never going to go through this emotional roller coaster again. And so, i turned back to the 1 thing i knew i could trust and that would not fail me. One thing that i could put my heart, my mind, my soul into and not have any fear of it striking back. Not have any fear of it making me lose my mind.
And yet, i feel like i'm going through the cycle all over again. This morning's episode with Darling left me confused, frustrated, lost and suddenly all those horrid feelings came rushing back. All that fear. All that insecurity. All that helplessness. It flooded me. It was so powerful. And i didn't see it coming. It felt like i got hit by a really huge Tsunami. And it paralysed me for the rest of the day. I was so lost. I felt like a wandering soul. Like someone sucked the life out of me and left me standing. I knew i didn't want to experience this feeling any more. Terrified, petrified.
I know Darling made the effort to come out and see me this evening. I know he wanted to share with me how he felt. I know he needed an outlet for his thoughts. And i did as much as i could just listening to him. I thought going to PS would make me feel better after the horrid horrd morning and afternoon. Instead, at PS, i felt a sea of sadness engulf me. I know i won't return there again. Seems like every time i go there with some guy, something unpleasant happens. And all i wanted to do was share my favourite place with the most important person in my life right now. And yet, somehow, everything about the place seemed all wrong tonight.
We talked a little before we headed home. I guess he was tired. But i finally opened up and shared with him something so deep in my heart that only 2 people in the whole wide world know about. Ok. Maybe it's 3. Queboo, Guardian and the mystery someone. I remembered Guardian telling me once that i was silly and stupid. And i will never find another man who will be able to accept what had happened. But i wanted Darling to be different. In fact i never even shared this story with TG before. But somehow, i felt that Darling would understand. That he would from there, understand why i act the way i do sometimes. Or why i say things in a certain manner at other times. I was quite torn for a while. Should i say? Should i not? Would he despise me after that? Would he still be able to look at me and see me as his angel?
He didn't say anything. I guess there wasn't a need for words. The look on his face and eyes told me it was a mistake. That i should have made my peace and kept my mouth shut. He just said he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I don't blame him. It was entirely my choice for wanting to share this with him. And the only reason why i've kept it inside me for so many years is because of this exact reaction. But i really just wanted to give him a part of me. And yet....
I'm very tired. I have no more energy. I don't want to fight anymore. I admit defeat. For a while, Darling made me feel like there was someone in the world who was genuine, who really cared. Who felt that i was important. And i thank him for making me feel this way. But, the look said it all. I give up!
And so, when he left, i told myself that i was never going to do this again. Never going to go through this emotional roller coaster again. And so, i turned back to the 1 thing i knew i could trust and that would not fail me. One thing that i could put my heart, my mind, my soul into and not have any fear of it striking back. Not have any fear of it making me lose my mind.
And yet, i feel like i'm going through the cycle all over again. This morning's episode with Darling left me confused, frustrated, lost and suddenly all those horrid feelings came rushing back. All that fear. All that insecurity. All that helplessness. It flooded me. It was so powerful. And i didn't see it coming. It felt like i got hit by a really huge Tsunami. And it paralysed me for the rest of the day. I was so lost. I felt like a wandering soul. Like someone sucked the life out of me and left me standing. I knew i didn't want to experience this feeling any more. Terrified, petrified.
I know Darling made the effort to come out and see me this evening. I know he wanted to share with me how he felt. I know he needed an outlet for his thoughts. And i did as much as i could just listening to him. I thought going to PS would make me feel better after the horrid horrd morning and afternoon. Instead, at PS, i felt a sea of sadness engulf me. I know i won't return there again. Seems like every time i go there with some guy, something unpleasant happens. And all i wanted to do was share my favourite place with the most important person in my life right now. And yet, somehow, everything about the place seemed all wrong tonight.
We talked a little before we headed home. I guess he was tired. But i finally opened up and shared with him something so deep in my heart that only 2 people in the whole wide world know about. Ok. Maybe it's 3. Queboo, Guardian and the mystery someone. I remembered Guardian telling me once that i was silly and stupid. And i will never find another man who will be able to accept what had happened. But i wanted Darling to be different. In fact i never even shared this story with TG before. But somehow, i felt that Darling would understand. That he would from there, understand why i act the way i do sometimes. Or why i say things in a certain manner at other times. I was quite torn for a while. Should i say? Should i not? Would he despise me after that? Would he still be able to look at me and see me as his angel?
He didn't say anything. I guess there wasn't a need for words. The look on his face and eyes told me it was a mistake. That i should have made my peace and kept my mouth shut. He just said he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I don't blame him. It was entirely my choice for wanting to share this with him. And the only reason why i've kept it inside me for so many years is because of this exact reaction. But i really just wanted to give him a part of me. And yet....
I'm very tired. I have no more energy. I don't want to fight anymore. I admit defeat. For a while, Darling made me feel like there was someone in the world who was genuine, who really cared. Who felt that i was important. And i thank him for making me feel this way. But, the look said it all. I give up!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Breathe Again - Juwita Suwito
Have you wondered how it feels when it's all over
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew
Never knowing where you're going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just close my eyes and say
I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little , cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little
Try a little more
I'll breathe again
Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still moves on
With a bit of luck It's a brand new start
That might just work my way
No need to walk away
Don't want to live on life replay
Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew
Never knowing where you're going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just close my eyes and say
I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little , cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little
Try a little more
I'll breathe again
Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still moves on
With a bit of luck It's a brand new start
That might just work my way
No need to walk away
Don't want to live on life replay
Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn
Roller Coaster ride
Seems like every time i'm in a relationship, it's a constant roller coaster ride for me. I suppose it has to do with the fact that i'm very emotional and i think a lot. Or i let my mind wander a lot. I tell myself not to at times. It's not like i don't trust my partner. But rather, some acts make me happy, some acts make me sad. I very much want to control my emotions. But at times, i cannot help feeling the way i do.
Yesterday, i talked to darling in the morning before he had to go home and run some errands and spend time with the family. Didn't hear from him all day long after that and was kinda upset by evening. Really just wanted to hear his voice for a while even though i knew we couldn't meet up. But in the end, managed to mit him twice in a nite. Was so happy. Below is the email i wrote to him.
'Of late, when i'm down, all i have to do is think of you and i'm all smiles once again. Unless of course if you were the cause of the frown to start off with. =P But seldom lah.
Was really glad that i managed to see you twice yesterday even if the first time was for a really brief period. But i suppose knowing that weekend is generally family time for you, and knowing you made the effort to see me for just a while made me extremely happy. Thank you for brightening up my day! =)
Every moment spent with you is always very precious to me. And ever since knowing you, there have been more sunny days then rainy days or days with thunderstorms. You're like the sun, constantly brightening the day, and giving me lots of warmth in the heart, just knowing that someone cares.
Don't be jealous that you're no longer the youngest in the group when we go out and meet the uncles oki? Coz i'm sure the love and attention that they used to shower you, cannot compare to the love and attention that i will shower you with for the rest of ur life. I sayang sayang you ya... So cannot jealous. Coz we seldom will have the chance to have our very own time in the evening. So, if you unhappy then quite silly. So, i will do my best to make up to you alright?
Hope you'll always be happy and cheerful, and will always feel very blessed to be loved and cared for by those around you!'
And below is his reply.
'Thanks for the email. I hope I can be your Sun till the end of the Day. I also very happy to see you last night. What a surprise! Don't Worry about meet with my uncles, I wouldn't jealous la.. I know you Sayang me a lot, heee.....
Anyway I have some thing to tell you, when you tell me that you are going out with guys so late, I am so worry about you, jealous and feel so bad or Sad... I worry they take advantage from you, after you having some drink. I know I can't stop you for going out with them or hung out so late. The worst part is that I suddenly tot of X-wife that she usually hung out so late like you. She always tell me that don't worry I will take care of herself, but at the end she sleep with my good friends. Do you know how much I get hurt?
So that's why I don't trust young people/MAN and I don't like to drink, I don't drink also for other reason la. but I know not all young people is like that. Now you know why I like to hung out with old man. All of all, I think I care about you, Love you, you are important to me and so forth.... Anyway, don't worry, I just need to speak it out, I will feel much
better, hahahaha. I will try my best not to get jealous![]()
. O' one more thing to remember, don't always compare with other, we are human being and not products. Human always change and products would not change.
Look like we are stay in 2 different world, I like to hung out early and get up early, partly is my work heehee.. And you can't sleep early and like to hung out late.... I will try my best to follow your pace. May be you don't feel a lot of love from your family. I know it's hurt when our parents are quarrellings. When I was young same thing happen to me. Some time I don't feel like going home too. I don't like that kind of feeling too. Just take it easy everything will be ok. Cheers.'
Anyway, from the email you can tell that i went out partying last night. Was at lunar till 4 this morning when i came home and wrote the email to him. I finally fell asleep at 7.40 this morning, which was approximately the time he gave me his usual morning sms. I think i did hear the phone beep just before i dozed off. But i was really very tired at that time. And he told me he was going to the stables this morning. And so i thought if i could just fall asleep for an hour, i would at least have some energy later in the day. And so i didn't get up, instead i woke up at about 9.30 and texted him good morning. Then i waited for his reply. And no reply came. Then i texted him again at about 10.15. Then like wait and wait no reply again. Finally, he reply to say he bz. Also didn't say whether he will sms me today. Or call me. Or whether we are meeting.
I really felt lousy all morning. Felt especially lousy when i woke up and we couldn't even chat. Felt lousy when i didn't know if he was alright in the 1 odd hour that there was no response. I know it's silly. But i do worry sometimes. Maybe it's really coz of my previous relationships. I remembered whenever Guardian didn't reply my sms or call me, or disappeared on me, i knew that when he resurface, it would mostly be him in hospital or him telling me that he wanted to break up. I know Darling is different. But i do get scared and terrified as well. And the worst part is, i really don't know how to talk to him about this. I worry about the fact that if i tell him, i'm giving him additional pressure. That he will feel stressed. Coz i know when he tells me he is bz, it's because he's spending time with the family. And i don't want to put him in a spot or make him feel resentful of my presence.
But, i really felt grumpy and down in the dumps all morning. Like i ask myself, why i wake up so early for? Does he even know that although i sleep at 5am, 6am, 7am in the morning, i still wake up before 10am just so that we can chat before he goes home from the stables. Then whole morning i never hear from him, does he know that i am upset? that i miss him? That while he might be out with his family, i am worried and anxious that i might have done something to irritate him or made him upset and angry. ARGHHHHHHHH
This is so super frustrating. How come one day can be so beautiful and the next day is like crap. Then is it with family then cannot sms me leh? Even if go out can go toilet and sms me say everything is fine, ask me don't worry, say with family then later got chance then sms me again mah. I see already will feel better one wat. But no news, no sms, then last sms sound so curt, make me feel so horrible. Plus suppose to go mit someone with him today. Then he tell me the person might not be free in his email. Then what am i supposed to do? Am i supposed to sit at home and wait for his sms? Will he even sms? I really wonder while he is playing happy family, does he even think about me? Or am i just once again another person's time filler? I hate this feeling!
Yesterday, i talked to darling in the morning before he had to go home and run some errands and spend time with the family. Didn't hear from him all day long after that and was kinda upset by evening. Really just wanted to hear his voice for a while even though i knew we couldn't meet up. But in the end, managed to mit him twice in a nite. Was so happy. Below is the email i wrote to him.
'Of late, when i'm down, all i have to do is think of you and i'm all smiles once again. Unless of course if you were the cause of the frown to start off with. =P But seldom lah.
Was really glad that i managed to see you twice yesterday even if the first time was for a really brief period. But i suppose knowing that weekend is generally family time for you, and knowing you made the effort to see me for just a while made me extremely happy. Thank you for brightening up my day! =)
Every moment spent with you is always very precious to me. And ever since knowing you, there have been more sunny days then rainy days or days with thunderstorms. You're like the sun, constantly brightening the day, and giving me lots of warmth in the heart, just knowing that someone cares.
Don't be jealous that you're no longer the youngest in the group when we go out and meet the uncles oki? Coz i'm sure the love and attention that they used to shower you, cannot compare to the love and attention that i will shower you with for the rest of ur life. I sayang sayang you ya... So cannot jealous. Coz we seldom will have the chance to have our very own time in the evening. So, if you unhappy then quite silly. So, i will do my best to make up to you alright?
Hope you'll always be happy and cheerful, and will always feel very blessed to be loved and cared for by those around you!'
And below is his reply.
'Thanks for the email. I hope I can be your Sun till the end of the Day. I also very happy to see you last night. What a surprise! Don't Worry about meet with my uncles, I wouldn't jealous la.. I know you Sayang me a lot, heee.....
Anyway I have some thing to tell you, when you tell me that you are going out with guys so late, I am so worry about you, jealous and feel so bad or Sad... I worry they take advantage from you, after you having some drink. I know I can't stop you for going out with them or hung out so late. The worst part is that I suddenly tot of X-wife that she usually hung out so late like you. She always tell me that don't worry I will take care of herself, but at the end she sleep with my good friends. Do you know how much I get hurt?
So that's why I don't trust young people/MAN and I don't like to drink, I don't drink also for other reason la. but I know not all young people is like that. Now you know why I like to hung out with old man. All of all, I think I care about you, Love you, you are important to me and so forth.... Anyway, don't worry, I just need to speak it out, I will feel much
better, hahahaha. I will try my best not to get jealous
Look like we are stay in 2 different world, I like to hung out early and get up early, partly is my work heehee.. And you can't sleep early and like to hung out late.... I will try my best to follow your pace. May be you don't feel a lot of love from your family. I know it's hurt when our parents are quarrellings. When I was young same thing happen to me. Some time I don't feel like going home too. I don't like that kind of feeling too. Just take it easy everything will be ok. Cheers.'
Anyway, from the email you can tell that i went out partying last night. Was at lunar till 4 this morning when i came home and wrote the email to him. I finally fell asleep at 7.40 this morning, which was approximately the time he gave me his usual morning sms. I think i did hear the phone beep just before i dozed off. But i was really very tired at that time. And he told me he was going to the stables this morning. And so i thought if i could just fall asleep for an hour, i would at least have some energy later in the day. And so i didn't get up, instead i woke up at about 9.30 and texted him good morning. Then i waited for his reply. And no reply came. Then i texted him again at about 10.15. Then like wait and wait no reply again. Finally, he reply to say he bz. Also didn't say whether he will sms me today. Or call me. Or whether we are meeting.
I really felt lousy all morning. Felt especially lousy when i woke up and we couldn't even chat. Felt lousy when i didn't know if he was alright in the 1 odd hour that there was no response. I know it's silly. But i do worry sometimes. Maybe it's really coz of my previous relationships. I remembered whenever Guardian didn't reply my sms or call me, or disappeared on me, i knew that when he resurface, it would mostly be him in hospital or him telling me that he wanted to break up. I know Darling is different. But i do get scared and terrified as well. And the worst part is, i really don't know how to talk to him about this. I worry about the fact that if i tell him, i'm giving him additional pressure. That he will feel stressed. Coz i know when he tells me he is bz, it's because he's spending time with the family. And i don't want to put him in a spot or make him feel resentful of my presence.
But, i really felt grumpy and down in the dumps all morning. Like i ask myself, why i wake up so early for? Does he even know that although i sleep at 5am, 6am, 7am in the morning, i still wake up before 10am just so that we can chat before he goes home from the stables. Then whole morning i never hear from him, does he know that i am upset? that i miss him? That while he might be out with his family, i am worried and anxious that i might have done something to irritate him or made him upset and angry. ARGHHHHHHHH
This is so super frustrating. How come one day can be so beautiful and the next day is like crap. Then is it with family then cannot sms me leh? Even if go out can go toilet and sms me say everything is fine, ask me don't worry, say with family then later got chance then sms me again mah. I see already will feel better one wat. But no news, no sms, then last sms sound so curt, make me feel so horrible. Plus suppose to go mit someone with him today. Then he tell me the person might not be free in his email. Then what am i supposed to do? Am i supposed to sit at home and wait for his sms? Will he even sms? I really wonder while he is playing happy family, does he even think about me? Or am i just once again another person's time filler? I hate this feeling!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Yawn
Dunno why today so tired. Maybe coz been sleeping at rather irregular hours lately. And my body is trying to adjust everyday. Hee.. But other then that, the day went pretty well for me work wise i guess. Managed to get all the things i set out to get done today. So deserve a pat on the back. Finally found my new card and got it activated at the ATM as well. So feeling rather pleased with myself.
Loads to do tomorrow actually. Need to go post office to send some documents, need to go LTA to get my bike checked, need to go settle bike insurance and road tax coz i'm currently riding illegally. Erm.. Still got what leh? Orh. Need to go office drop off forms and collect some documents. Suppose to print quotation for weekend appointment as well. Not sure if i will be able to get everything done. Cross my fingers. But have priority list. So not too bad. Will do my best to stick by it.
Eh, on the personal front, didn't get to spend a lot of time with my darling today. Coz he was busy also. But he seemed pretty happy today. But also like quite tired. So i guess it was a pretty good thing i decided last night that maybe better for him to stay in tonight and spend some time with his family and grab some rest. Like not very nice every night we go hang out, then it takes time away from his family. And somehow, i feel it is important for his kids to spend more time with him. It is definitely my wish that he doesn't look back one day and regret that he didn't spend enough time with them while they were growing up. Haven't told him that maybe we meet less over the week. But quite hard to open mouth and say also, coz when in love the time, want to see him every minute every day. But also, must think for him. Aiya.. why love so difficult one... Sianz
Eh, today he said something twice to me. I believe very often, you say the things off the top of your head because it is subconscious. Then he said i was his friend twice. Once verbally and once over sms. I guess i was a little disappointed. Thought i meant more to him then just a friend. =( But also coz i didn't want to make things difficult for him, so i brushed it off after reading the sms. Though he smsed after that to say that i am special. Hmmm...
Blogging while waiting for Ja Ja to get back home from her movie so we can go for coffee. She's on leave tomorrow. But actually i quite tired liaoz. Been yawning since 9pm. Jialat. Dunno why so tired since i slept 8 hrs yesterday. Maybe over sleep? Ha.. Body not used to having 8 hrs of sleep.
Alright, since still waiting for Ja Ja, i will continue on yesterday's post.
Torn.
Actually the title reflects my inner feelings. The last 2 months of knowing darling have been very special and happy moments for me. For once, in a relationship, there are more happy moments then sad moments. And i don't have to constantly remind myself of the happy moments because it seems like every other day is a happy moment. Plus i enjoy time spent with him so very much. Time seems to fly by so quickly when we are out. I suppose also because of the circumstances, time spent together is very precious for me. But i guess i'm torn because if you remember my currency theory post way back, then today instead of him splitting his $100 on stuff like work, family, friends, hobbies etc, he doesn't have $100 to give from the very start. I suppose it's not much of a difference. But he has less to give. And yet, the funny thing is, among all my relationships, i feel that he has given me way more. So should i discount the currency theory.
The other reason as to why i feel torn is coz i feel that fundamentally, our relationship is wrong. That something built based on principles that are wrong will not last and will not work out. Plus, i keep feeling like i'm doing something wrong. And lastly, the most important reason of all is that i know this is it. This would probably be us 50 years down the road if we both live till a ripe old age. And although i simply adore him and think he's probably the greatest thing that has come by my way, i can't help but let my mind wander at times and ask, can i have more. I know it's definitely not fair to ask for more. I try to stop myself sometimes. But there are times where the feeling and urge is so strong, that i will ask for more. And we will both be upset after that.
So, there is a conflict of emotions going on inside me. Unfortunately, love can't be measured in physical quantities. And there is no way of weighing who loves who more. There is no accurate assessment that says there are more benefits or more drawbacks. And because of this, i am torn. I so do love every moment spent with him. When he's not by my side, i do wonder what he's doing. Whether he's had dinner, whether he's sitting in front of the computer or tele, or chatting with his family. Whether something made him happy, or something irritated him. Whether he suddenly thought of me. Or whether in the times when we are not together, do i even pop up in his mind. And yet, that little voice at the back of my head seems to be nagging at me. Telling me this is so wrong. Arghhhhh.....
Frustrating i know. And it doesn't help that i've grown to adore him more and more each day. He really is a super duper sweet and wonderful person with not an ounce of evil in him. He's thoughtful, caring, sensitive, encouraging, patient, understanding, romantic, silly, makes me laugh, showers me with attention, keeps his promises, listens to me, holds my hand, wipes away my tears. What more can a girl want? =) Can all these goodness overshadow that one glaring flaw? I guess only time will tell. Alright. Half hour more and Ja Ja doesn't call then i'm off to bed. Hee...
Nitez
Loads to do tomorrow actually. Need to go post office to send some documents, need to go LTA to get my bike checked, need to go settle bike insurance and road tax coz i'm currently riding illegally. Erm.. Still got what leh? Orh. Need to go office drop off forms and collect some documents. Suppose to print quotation for weekend appointment as well. Not sure if i will be able to get everything done. Cross my fingers. But have priority list. So not too bad. Will do my best to stick by it.
Eh, on the personal front, didn't get to spend a lot of time with my darling today. Coz he was busy also. But he seemed pretty happy today. But also like quite tired. So i guess it was a pretty good thing i decided last night that maybe better for him to stay in tonight and spend some time with his family and grab some rest. Like not very nice every night we go hang out, then it takes time away from his family. And somehow, i feel it is important for his kids to spend more time with him. It is definitely my wish that he doesn't look back one day and regret that he didn't spend enough time with them while they were growing up. Haven't told him that maybe we meet less over the week. But quite hard to open mouth and say also, coz when in love the time, want to see him every minute every day. But also, must think for him. Aiya.. why love so difficult one... Sianz
Eh, today he said something twice to me. I believe very often, you say the things off the top of your head because it is subconscious. Then he said i was his friend twice. Once verbally and once over sms. I guess i was a little disappointed. Thought i meant more to him then just a friend. =( But also coz i didn't want to make things difficult for him, so i brushed it off after reading the sms. Though he smsed after that to say that i am special. Hmmm...
Blogging while waiting for Ja Ja to get back home from her movie so we can go for coffee. She's on leave tomorrow. But actually i quite tired liaoz. Been yawning since 9pm. Jialat. Dunno why so tired since i slept 8 hrs yesterday. Maybe over sleep? Ha.. Body not used to having 8 hrs of sleep.
Alright, since still waiting for Ja Ja, i will continue on yesterday's post.
Torn.
Actually the title reflects my inner feelings. The last 2 months of knowing darling have been very special and happy moments for me. For once, in a relationship, there are more happy moments then sad moments. And i don't have to constantly remind myself of the happy moments because it seems like every other day is a happy moment. Plus i enjoy time spent with him so very much. Time seems to fly by so quickly when we are out. I suppose also because of the circumstances, time spent together is very precious for me. But i guess i'm torn because if you remember my currency theory post way back, then today instead of him splitting his $100 on stuff like work, family, friends, hobbies etc, he doesn't have $100 to give from the very start. I suppose it's not much of a difference. But he has less to give. And yet, the funny thing is, among all my relationships, i feel that he has given me way more. So should i discount the currency theory.
The other reason as to why i feel torn is coz i feel that fundamentally, our relationship is wrong. That something built based on principles that are wrong will not last and will not work out. Plus, i keep feeling like i'm doing something wrong. And lastly, the most important reason of all is that i know this is it. This would probably be us 50 years down the road if we both live till a ripe old age. And although i simply adore him and think he's probably the greatest thing that has come by my way, i can't help but let my mind wander at times and ask, can i have more. I know it's definitely not fair to ask for more. I try to stop myself sometimes. But there are times where the feeling and urge is so strong, that i will ask for more. And we will both be upset after that.
So, there is a conflict of emotions going on inside me. Unfortunately, love can't be measured in physical quantities. And there is no way of weighing who loves who more. There is no accurate assessment that says there are more benefits or more drawbacks. And because of this, i am torn. I so do love every moment spent with him. When he's not by my side, i do wonder what he's doing. Whether he's had dinner, whether he's sitting in front of the computer or tele, or chatting with his family. Whether something made him happy, or something irritated him. Whether he suddenly thought of me. Or whether in the times when we are not together, do i even pop up in his mind. And yet, that little voice at the back of my head seems to be nagging at me. Telling me this is so wrong. Arghhhhh.....
Frustrating i know. And it doesn't help that i've grown to adore him more and more each day. He really is a super duper sweet and wonderful person with not an ounce of evil in him. He's thoughtful, caring, sensitive, encouraging, patient, understanding, romantic, silly, makes me laugh, showers me with attention, keeps his promises, listens to me, holds my hand, wipes away my tears. What more can a girl want? =) Can all these goodness overshadow that one glaring flaw? I guess only time will tell. Alright. Half hour more and Ja Ja doesn't call then i'm off to bed. Hee...
Nitez
Torn
Ever so often as i listen to friends tell me about their love stories, or their love lives, i often wonder whether this is going to be the one. This is going to be THE relationship for them. Whether a couple months or a couple of years down the road, i would receiving a wedding invite from him/her and attend their wedding. Whether they will grow old together. Whether they will stay married.
When i was younger, i had very strong beliefs about love. There was a moral high ground of right or wrong. There were things which were acceptable and things that were not. But over the years, i've come to realize that as you push the boundaries a little with each year and with each new relationship, there will come a time where black is not longer black and white is no longer white. That maybe, when it comes to matters of the heart, there is no black or white. Just a lot of chemistry and lots of wonderful feelings. I'm sure you all know how i feel about gay realtionships. I've always been a strong advocate of gay relationships because i've always felt that love is very magical and special. And that it would not always be confined to the boundaries of girl-boy but that love could occur between girl-girl, or boy-boy. And it would still be love. While i once thought that a healthy gap between a couple should not be more then 10 years, i've also come to accept that love transcends vast age groups. So, in my dictionary, there probably is nothing wrong with any of the above. That's just love.
But i guess something that i've been struggling to understand for a while now is can it be possible for the heart to be divided and for a person to love two people at the very same time. And can love be shared? I know love isn't a 50% 50% thing. That sometimes, in a given relationship, you might be giving 80% while the other party gives only 20%. But when you're in love, all that is fine. That you just want to be with the person night and day, and just want to make the person happy. Just want to be a part of the person's life. Just hope to have a chance to play a pivotal role in ther person's life. But this feeling is also built on the hope that one day, you would become the priority in the other person's life. That the person would one day realize your importance and tell you that he/she loves you. And all the time and effort will be worth it. But what would happen then if you knew from the start that it could possibly be a 80%,20% relationship and that it would not change no matter how long you hung around, or how hard you work at a relationship? Would you still give your best? If love is blind then would you carry on blindly even without any hopes of any returns?
Someone once asked that since i'm still not attached, or in a serious relationship, is it coz i've set my standards too high? Or am i just too picky? But the truth is this. I've just not been very lucky when it comes to matters of the heart. Or maybe not so much luck, but more of stubborn to the very core. I've always believe in giving Love a shot. That i am able to keep on giving until one day when i have nothing left to give, then i will be able to walk away without any regrets. But with this sort of thinking, i find that i constantly get let down because i am constantly pushing the boundaries. And one day, i realize that i've gone so far that there is just no turning back. And being let down hurts big time. And talking about time, time and tide waits for no man. So, would you subscribe to the give love a chance or would you subscribe to cutting your losses? Tough one.
Have quite a bit more to blog, but too damn tired. Anyway, just a note to my faithful readers, will be putting the blog in private mode for a period. =) Just need some really really personal space. Cheers and nitez!
When i was younger, i had very strong beliefs about love. There was a moral high ground of right or wrong. There were things which were acceptable and things that were not. But over the years, i've come to realize that as you push the boundaries a little with each year and with each new relationship, there will come a time where black is not longer black and white is no longer white. That maybe, when it comes to matters of the heart, there is no black or white. Just a lot of chemistry and lots of wonderful feelings. I'm sure you all know how i feel about gay realtionships. I've always been a strong advocate of gay relationships because i've always felt that love is very magical and special. And that it would not always be confined to the boundaries of girl-boy but that love could occur between girl-girl, or boy-boy. And it would still be love. While i once thought that a healthy gap between a couple should not be more then 10 years, i've also come to accept that love transcends vast age groups. So, in my dictionary, there probably is nothing wrong with any of the above. That's just love.
But i guess something that i've been struggling to understand for a while now is can it be possible for the heart to be divided and for a person to love two people at the very same time. And can love be shared? I know love isn't a 50% 50% thing. That sometimes, in a given relationship, you might be giving 80% while the other party gives only 20%. But when you're in love, all that is fine. That you just want to be with the person night and day, and just want to make the person happy. Just want to be a part of the person's life. Just hope to have a chance to play a pivotal role in ther person's life. But this feeling is also built on the hope that one day, you would become the priority in the other person's life. That the person would one day realize your importance and tell you that he/she loves you. And all the time and effort will be worth it. But what would happen then if you knew from the start that it could possibly be a 80%,20% relationship and that it would not change no matter how long you hung around, or how hard you work at a relationship? Would you still give your best? If love is blind then would you carry on blindly even without any hopes of any returns?
Someone once asked that since i'm still not attached, or in a serious relationship, is it coz i've set my standards too high? Or am i just too picky? But the truth is this. I've just not been very lucky when it comes to matters of the heart. Or maybe not so much luck, but more of stubborn to the very core. I've always believe in giving Love a shot. That i am able to keep on giving until one day when i have nothing left to give, then i will be able to walk away without any regrets. But with this sort of thinking, i find that i constantly get let down because i am constantly pushing the boundaries. And one day, i realize that i've gone so far that there is just no turning back. And being let down hurts big time. And talking about time, time and tide waits for no man. So, would you subscribe to the give love a chance or would you subscribe to cutting your losses? Tough one.
Have quite a bit more to blog, but too damn tired. Anyway, just a note to my faithful readers, will be putting the blog in private mode for a period. =) Just need some really really personal space. Cheers and nitez!
Stolen
Stolen off someone's blog. But thoughts that ring true to my heart. =)
Trust & Relationships
Trust is the glue which holds relationships together"Trust enables relationships to develop and flourish. When trust erodes, the relationship deteriorates. Doubts, which can creep into our thinking about the behaviour of the other person, can act like a poison and a cancer, quickly spreading to sabotage the relationship. Mistrust has a devastating impact on relationships and on the types and quality of conversations that will occur.
Whilst trust is an indispensable component of positive and productive relationships, unfortunately it is something that can all too easily be taken for granted. We may only become aware of its importance when we feel trust has been broken.
Within our relationships it is all too easy to take trust for granted and overlook its pivotal role in our interactions with others. Trust can be regarded as a fragile element of relationships which needs continual nurturing. One or two instances can raise important and lingering questions, which may remain in the background and have a silent but devastating impact on the quality of the relationship.Trust is the central pillar supporting any real relationship. With so much at stake, be it emotions, finances, children or future goals, there needs to be implicit trust for love to fully develop. Building trust in a relationship takes hard work and commitment. Trust requires that you listen to each other and communicate your needs. Trust requires honesty above all else. Once you’ve built trust, you’ve done something magical, and you should do everything in your power to keep it if you plan on maintaining your relationship.In order to know what it is your partner needs to feel safe, you have to listen to what they’re telling you. Trust takes time, but if you communicate effectively you’ll have a stronger foundation to build on. You can’t build trust if you’re constantly spending a lot of time apart from your person you're trying to build trust with.
If you love someone, would you care enough to try to forgive that person? now i realised.. that understanding is one of the pillar of a r/s, not just trust.. understand is more important then trust.. everyone is finding love.. but now i am starting to doubt that there can ever be that ONE love for u.. its not impossible.. but the ONE for u is not the one that u love the most, rather, its the one that UNDERSTANDS u the most.. he or she would accept the mistakes u made, and forgive u.. they would try to change the points where they feel that are negative and wait for you to change.. most importantly, they would give up all logical reasoning and follow their emotions.. lastly.. i honestly believe if a person loves you.. he or she would go through thick or thin with you.... that is the most valuable aspect..
Trust & Relationships
Trust is the glue which holds relationships together"Trust enables relationships to develop and flourish. When trust erodes, the relationship deteriorates. Doubts, which can creep into our thinking about the behaviour of the other person, can act like a poison and a cancer, quickly spreading to sabotage the relationship. Mistrust has a devastating impact on relationships and on the types and quality of conversations that will occur.
Whilst trust is an indispensable component of positive and productive relationships, unfortunately it is something that can all too easily be taken for granted. We may only become aware of its importance when we feel trust has been broken.
Within our relationships it is all too easy to take trust for granted and overlook its pivotal role in our interactions with others. Trust can be regarded as a fragile element of relationships which needs continual nurturing. One or two instances can raise important and lingering questions, which may remain in the background and have a silent but devastating impact on the quality of the relationship.Trust is the central pillar supporting any real relationship. With so much at stake, be it emotions, finances, children or future goals, there needs to be implicit trust for love to fully develop. Building trust in a relationship takes hard work and commitment. Trust requires that you listen to each other and communicate your needs. Trust requires honesty above all else. Once you’ve built trust, you’ve done something magical, and you should do everything in your power to keep it if you plan on maintaining your relationship.In order to know what it is your partner needs to feel safe, you have to listen to what they’re telling you. Trust takes time, but if you communicate effectively you’ll have a stronger foundation to build on. You can’t build trust if you’re constantly spending a lot of time apart from your person you're trying to build trust with.
If you love someone, would you care enough to try to forgive that person? now i realised.. that understanding is one of the pillar of a r/s, not just trust.. understand is more important then trust.. everyone is finding love.. but now i am starting to doubt that there can ever be that ONE love for u.. its not impossible.. but the ONE for u is not the one that u love the most, rather, its the one that UNDERSTANDS u the most.. he or she would accept the mistakes u made, and forgive u.. they would try to change the points where they feel that are negative and wait for you to change.. most importantly, they would give up all logical reasoning and follow their emotions.. lastly.. i honestly believe if a person loves you.. he or she would go through thick or thin with you.... that is the most valuable aspect..
Sweet.......
Trawling in the sea of love,
Just going with the flow.
I caught a pretty mermaid once,
But I had to let her go.
Now, fifty years have come and gone,
The sun is hanging low.
I'll cast my heart out one last time,
And then this boat, I'll stow.
Wait... I sense a tiny flutter..
Something's tugging at my bait!
She's pulling at my heartstrings..
Perhaps, I'm not too late!
But this angelfish is wild and strong,
And my line has gotten weak.
I reel her in so very slow,
With the tender words I speak.
She wants to bolt; she wants to dart,
She tries to swim away.
As I watch her disappear from me,
I bow my head to pray...
"Dear God, you sent me, from above,
A love that is so fine.
Please tell me, Lord, what can I do
To make this angel mine?"
Just going with the flow.
I caught a pretty mermaid once,
But I had to let her go.
Now, fifty years have come and gone,
The sun is hanging low.
I'll cast my heart out one last time,
And then this boat, I'll stow.
Wait... I sense a tiny flutter..
Something's tugging at my bait!
She's pulling at my heartstrings..
Perhaps, I'm not too late!
But this angelfish is wild and strong,
And my line has gotten weak.
I reel her in so very slow,
With the tender words I speak.
She wants to bolt; she wants to dart,
She tries to swim away.
As I watch her disappear from me,
I bow my head to pray...
"Dear God, you sent me, from above,
A love that is so fine.
Please tell me, Lord, what can I do
To make this angel mine?"
Saturday, June 21, 2008
My very crappy day
Seemed like nothing went the way i would have liked it to. Was just a pretty crappy day i suppose. Eh, woke up, stone and laze around for a while, since it is after all a saturday, then headed to the pool. But it was pretty jam packed with people. Did a couple of easy laps, arms hurt, so did a little bit of swimming, then came back home. Showered, got ready to head to club. Darling asked if i wanted to ride in his car there. Took up his offer coz wanted to spend some time with him. Then reach club, was bz bz bz.... Nothing much happened at club except somehow i also dun know how to explain i had a very weird feeling. Anyway, if i had to find the closest word to describe that feeling, i think it would be the word fear. I also dunno why, but fear gripped me and all i wanted to do was to push him far far away. Not physically push him. Argh.. u get the idea. Anyway, something about us didn't feel right today. Alright, it could be the fact that i was feeling crappy so my reaction to his words were probably translated wrongly. Didn't take his car home coz he said he was going to meet friends for dinner.
Came home, picked mum up and headed for dinner. I pleaded with dad to pack food back for me, coz i really didn't feel like going out for dinner. But he begged me to go. Haa... Interesting rite? Anyway, headed to the coffeeshop. Sit down, order food also troublesome. No one wanted to say what they wanted to eat. So Dad gave up asking, and just ordered a couple of dishes. I contributed 1 of them. Then mum took out newspaper to read, daddy also. Best! Ask me go eat dinner, sit there and watch them read newspaper. So i tried to make conversation with mum, since i was with dad the whole day today. But she dun want to talk. Gave me one syllabic answers. Gave up after that. Dinner was a SILENT affair. Not a word was spoken throughout dinner. Everyone just ate their food. Sigh. Then why ask me go eat dinner. Might as well i ownself cook maggie mee at home, at least got TV to watch. But sit at the coffeeshop, no TV, nothing to talk about. Then after finish eating, both take out newspaper again. By then, i super fed up liaoz. So i say, i ownself walk back home. Heng the coffeeshop near our place. If not confirm diao there for dunno how long.
Alright. Here's the thing. What's the point of having everyone turn up for dinner if there is not going to be any dinner conversations? I look at other families sitting around us, and everyone seems to be having a good time, sitting around, chatting etc. Our table like a couple of monks who took the vow of silence. Then in the rare instances where we do talk, must watch what i say. Coz anything that is said is liable to be the cause of a fight between mum and dad. Sighz... And people wonder why i rather eat on my own or cook my maggie mee. In fact, it doesn't matter where we go for dinner any longer. I used to hate family dinners. Apparently it hasn't changed over the years. Now i don't hate it any longer, but feel that it is very pointless and meaningless. Over the years as i grew older, i've made it a point to have dinner with the folks at least once a week. But in the last 2 years, it is a chore dragging myself to dinner, eating in silence, or having the dinner end with a fight. So, conclusion, better to eat on my own or just say i'm not hungry. At least it helps me keep my sanity.
On a side note, did i ever mention that i don't like people who lie to me? Especially so when it is someone who i treasure and value? I suppose the feelings of hurt and betrayal will be a lot stronger when that happens. Yeah i know sometimes people lie coz they think it's a white lie or they feel that they are protecting you. But if you claim to be a close friend, or that i'm important, then i think i will be able to accept the truth. It might hurt for a moment. But i'll get over it. And at least i'll feel that you shared and that gains you some brownie points. But when i find out that you lie, then the question that will forever linger in my mind when you next tell me something would be, is that the truth? Or is it another of those so called white lies? Alright. I've said my piece. The day is classified as crappy. Probably one of the lower ones this year. Going to sleep. Maybe biking in the morning will cheer me up. Nitez
Came home, picked mum up and headed for dinner. I pleaded with dad to pack food back for me, coz i really didn't feel like going out for dinner. But he begged me to go. Haa... Interesting rite? Anyway, headed to the coffeeshop. Sit down, order food also troublesome. No one wanted to say what they wanted to eat. So Dad gave up asking, and just ordered a couple of dishes. I contributed 1 of them. Then mum took out newspaper to read, daddy also. Best! Ask me go eat dinner, sit there and watch them read newspaper. So i tried to make conversation with mum, since i was with dad the whole day today. But she dun want to talk. Gave me one syllabic answers. Gave up after that. Dinner was a SILENT affair. Not a word was spoken throughout dinner. Everyone just ate their food. Sigh. Then why ask me go eat dinner. Might as well i ownself cook maggie mee at home, at least got TV to watch. But sit at the coffeeshop, no TV, nothing to talk about. Then after finish eating, both take out newspaper again. By then, i super fed up liaoz. So i say, i ownself walk back home. Heng the coffeeshop near our place. If not confirm diao there for dunno how long.
Alright. Here's the thing. What's the point of having everyone turn up for dinner if there is not going to be any dinner conversations? I look at other families sitting around us, and everyone seems to be having a good time, sitting around, chatting etc. Our table like a couple of monks who took the vow of silence. Then in the rare instances where we do talk, must watch what i say. Coz anything that is said is liable to be the cause of a fight between mum and dad. Sighz... And people wonder why i rather eat on my own or cook my maggie mee. In fact, it doesn't matter where we go for dinner any longer. I used to hate family dinners. Apparently it hasn't changed over the years. Now i don't hate it any longer, but feel that it is very pointless and meaningless. Over the years as i grew older, i've made it a point to have dinner with the folks at least once a week. But in the last 2 years, it is a chore dragging myself to dinner, eating in silence, or having the dinner end with a fight. So, conclusion, better to eat on my own or just say i'm not hungry. At least it helps me keep my sanity.
On a side note, did i ever mention that i don't like people who lie to me? Especially so when it is someone who i treasure and value? I suppose the feelings of hurt and betrayal will be a lot stronger when that happens. Yeah i know sometimes people lie coz they think it's a white lie or they feel that they are protecting you. But if you claim to be a close friend, or that i'm important, then i think i will be able to accept the truth. It might hurt for a moment. But i'll get over it. And at least i'll feel that you shared and that gains you some brownie points. But when i find out that you lie, then the question that will forever linger in my mind when you next tell me something would be, is that the truth? Or is it another of those so called white lies? Alright. I've said my piece. The day is classified as crappy. Probably one of the lower ones this year. Going to sleep. Maybe biking in the morning will cheer me up. Nitez
The day summed up
I guess i have been tired recently coz of the lack of sleep plus not enough sleep due to the fact that i keep getting woken up at the weirdest of times. Feels like i've just drifted off to dreamland when i get rudely awakened. Damn! Plus, trying to finish up the books i've bought have kept me up as well. My fault entirely.
Anyway, woke up damn early, went for breaky with dad. He needed to talk. So had breakfast with him and loaned him my listening ear. Nothing much to update there since it's the same thing repeated over and over again. Nope. He's not nagging. I suppose he just needs an outlet. Then was supposed to meet darling for coffee. But forgot to bring phone out. Then when i got home, saw the missed call and sms. Then return his call. He sounded distracted, distant over the phone. Then said he having breaky alone at Teck Whye. Hmm... Anyway, he texted later to say he needed to go see doctor coz his leg pain. Got me worried there. Thought something major happened. Anyway, accompanied him to see the doctor, and apparently he was much better after that. =)
Then headed to office for a meeting which was once again a complete waste of time. I obviously have a different perception as to what a discussion is about. I need to re calibrate my definitions for a discussion. Coz it doesn't sound quite like 1 when the manager has already made up his mind and all i'm doing is sitting there being forced to accept the whole load of bullshit. Plus, i hate being made used of. And i don't like getting my name slimed. And i don't like that you slime someone that i respect a lot. Really. Below the belt. Not acceptable. Anyway, crappy, shitty session at office. Was feeling down in the dumps. So left office at the first chance i got.
Came home, decided i could nua for a while before going for dinner. My darling sent me an e card and i managed to see it before i headed out. So it invariably brought a smile to my face. We managed to squeeze in a couple of lines before off i went for dinner. Everyone was late. Damn! Was supposed to meet at 8pm. It was 10minutes to 9pm when they showed up. Was a good thing i was prepared and brought my novel with me. So i wasn't all that pissed off that some people have no sense of time whatsoever!
Had a really nice dinner, yummy! So mood was better after food. Then someone had to leave coz watching movie. And the best part was, that was the organiser. Ha.. The power of love. The rest of us sat around for a while more before moving to Mr Bean for coffee and to carry on chatting. It was nice. It's been a while since the 3 of us hung out. There was some misunderstanding a while back and i had tried to play mediator for a while. And it's heartwarming seeing long time friends sit down and chill. Nice!
Didn't want to party after that. Was tired. Maybe i really am growing old. Or maybe coz i haven't been sleeping well, just didn't want to party even if it was at my all time favorite place DF. Yawn... I know i'm tired when i place sleep above going to DF.
Anyway, it was a interesting nite. One married mummy of 2, and one soon to be married bride, and the marriage phobic. Guess which one was I? Hee.. Anyway, Dap and I are on the same page when it comes to family and children. Maybe coz we both love kids. Sara on the other hand, probably has a lot more growing up to do. But it's not my job to tell her how to raise her children or what she should or should not do as a mummy. All i can do is share with her what i would or would not do. Hopefully something gets into the stubborn head of hers. I mean, come on, when u signed up for the job of being a mummy, then you would know its a 24/7 job with no off days, no annual leave, no medical leave etc. And it's a lifetime contract. Not a 10am to 8pm job. I guess if i'm working, i would have a baby sitter or a maid take care of the children. But nothing beats taking care of them personally, especially when they are babies. Or even if i can't take care of them personally, coz i need to work, then i will make the effort to knock off work on time and be home to spend time with my kids. Alright, these are all on the assumption that i might one day find my ideal marriage partner and be convinced about marriage, and have children. But here's the thing, i think it's totally irresponsible to leave the kids at home and run out and party and not have bonding time with the children. I've always believed that if children don't feel love when they are young, you will have many more problems to deal with as they grow older. And the greatest bond between mother and child is probably till their about 3. I could be wrong here. But maybe that's just stubborn old me talking. Anyway, no matter how angry or unsure i might be about my partner, i would never jeopardize my relationship with my children. Alright. I guess it's easier said then done. But i know i would do my darn best to be the best mum. I think Dap and i agree to this. And so, the evening wore on with us chatting about marriage, love, children etc. And it got so interesting that i actually lost my novel. Hee
But i guess i can always get another copy. Or be damn cheapskate and go borders and finish reading the book.
Finally, home. Ready to rest except World War 3 is still going on at home. Anyway, too tired to even keep the eyes open so i'll blog more tomorrow. Nitey nitez
Anyway, woke up damn early, went for breaky with dad. He needed to talk. So had breakfast with him and loaned him my listening ear. Nothing much to update there since it's the same thing repeated over and over again. Nope. He's not nagging. I suppose he just needs an outlet. Then was supposed to meet darling for coffee. But forgot to bring phone out. Then when i got home, saw the missed call and sms. Then return his call. He sounded distracted, distant over the phone. Then said he having breaky alone at Teck Whye. Hmm... Anyway, he texted later to say he needed to go see doctor coz his leg pain. Got me worried there. Thought something major happened. Anyway, accompanied him to see the doctor, and apparently he was much better after that. =)
Then headed to office for a meeting which was once again a complete waste of time. I obviously have a different perception as to what a discussion is about. I need to re calibrate my definitions for a discussion. Coz it doesn't sound quite like 1 when the manager has already made up his mind and all i'm doing is sitting there being forced to accept the whole load of bullshit. Plus, i hate being made used of. And i don't like getting my name slimed. And i don't like that you slime someone that i respect a lot. Really. Below the belt. Not acceptable. Anyway, crappy, shitty session at office. Was feeling down in the dumps. So left office at the first chance i got.
Came home, decided i could nua for a while before going for dinner. My darling sent me an e card and i managed to see it before i headed out. So it invariably brought a smile to my face. We managed to squeeze in a couple of lines before off i went for dinner. Everyone was late. Damn! Was supposed to meet at 8pm. It was 10minutes to 9pm when they showed up. Was a good thing i was prepared and brought my novel with me. So i wasn't all that pissed off that some people have no sense of time whatsoever!
Had a really nice dinner, yummy! So mood was better after food. Then someone had to leave coz watching movie. And the best part was, that was the organiser. Ha.. The power of love. The rest of us sat around for a while more before moving to Mr Bean for coffee and to carry on chatting. It was nice. It's been a while since the 3 of us hung out. There was some misunderstanding a while back and i had tried to play mediator for a while. And it's heartwarming seeing long time friends sit down and chill. Nice!
Didn't want to party after that. Was tired. Maybe i really am growing old. Or maybe coz i haven't been sleeping well, just didn't want to party even if it was at my all time favorite place DF. Yawn... I know i'm tired when i place sleep above going to DF.
Anyway, it was a interesting nite. One married mummy of 2, and one soon to be married bride, and the marriage phobic. Guess which one was I? Hee.. Anyway, Dap and I are on the same page when it comes to family and children. Maybe coz we both love kids. Sara on the other hand, probably has a lot more growing up to do. But it's not my job to tell her how to raise her children or what she should or should not do as a mummy. All i can do is share with her what i would or would not do. Hopefully something gets into the stubborn head of hers. I mean, come on, when u signed up for the job of being a mummy, then you would know its a 24/7 job with no off days, no annual leave, no medical leave etc. And it's a lifetime contract. Not a 10am to 8pm job. I guess if i'm working, i would have a baby sitter or a maid take care of the children. But nothing beats taking care of them personally, especially when they are babies. Or even if i can't take care of them personally, coz i need to work, then i will make the effort to knock off work on time and be home to spend time with my kids. Alright, these are all on the assumption that i might one day find my ideal marriage partner and be convinced about marriage, and have children. But here's the thing, i think it's totally irresponsible to leave the kids at home and run out and party and not have bonding time with the children. I've always believed that if children don't feel love when they are young, you will have many more problems to deal with as they grow older. And the greatest bond between mother and child is probably till their about 3. I could be wrong here. But maybe that's just stubborn old me talking. Anyway, no matter how angry or unsure i might be about my partner, i would never jeopardize my relationship with my children. Alright. I guess it's easier said then done. But i know i would do my darn best to be the best mum. I think Dap and i agree to this. And so, the evening wore on with us chatting about marriage, love, children etc. And it got so interesting that i actually lost my novel. Hee
But i guess i can always get another copy. Or be damn cheapskate and go borders and finish reading the book.
Finally, home. Ready to rest except World War 3 is still going on at home. Anyway, too tired to even keep the eyes open so i'll blog more tomorrow. Nitey nitez
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)