I am tired

I think this sums up all that is going through my mind and my thoughts. My feelings, my emotions. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of trying to make things work. I am tired that i'm constantly wrong while you're always right. I'm tired coz even when it's not my fault, i have to pacify you and please you. Please, i am tired!

Another week that passed

Another week has passed. And it was a week that went by like a whirlwind. I really have no idea how i feel or how to feel. Everything seems like it's in a mess now. Funnily, i am so unsure of what to feel that i'm swinging back and forth between the two extremes. In fact, i wanted to feelings to sink in before blogging. But Saturday went by in a blur, so did Sunday. And today, i am still unsure of my own feelings. I guess it's generally quite sad when you can't even place a finger on what is right and what is wrong.
The last two nights, i have willed myself to sleep. But sleep doesn't come easy. I think maybe also because at times, my mind is on overdrive. Sometimes, i feel overwhelming sadness. Others, i question myself just what exactly did i do wrong. Where did i go wrong. It's been a while since i felt this way. When Guardian left, i struggled with this. I remember others telling me that i didn't do anything wrong. That in a relationship, there will be times where it doesn't work out. That it takes two hands to clap. And i shouldn't take it so personally and so hard. That the relationship ending does not make me a lesser person than i was. That a relationship ending doesn't mean that i wasn't good enough or i didn't do enough. It just meant that things weren't meant to work out.
I don't believe i ever recovered from things between Guardian and I. Yes, over the years, i've taken little steps to move on. But somehow, i lost myself when i was with him. I lost myself as a person. Lost my personal self respect. I asked myself what could have changed and even i am not sure. But i know that over the years, i have slowly recovered a little bit with each passing year and with the dulling of the pain.
Over the weekend, i asked myself if i was silly to have started this whole relationship? To have taken the step forward. And it scares me that i'm beginning to lose myself. To lose the little that i've built up. I still love him. In fact, i would say, i love him almost as much as i loved Guardian despite the short length of time we've been together. And it's hardest to know that the trust between us has been betrayed. That maybe there was nothing there to start off with. When i was really young, and i was in school, i remembered the song about the wise man and the foolish. The wise man built his house upon the rock, the wise man built his house upon the rock the wise man built his house upon the rock and the rain started falling down. The rain came down and the floods came up, the rain came down and the floods came up. The rain came down and the floods came up, and the house on the rock stood still. The foolish man built his house upon the sand, the foolish man built his house upon the sand. The foolish man built his house upon the sand, and the rain kept falling down. The rain came down and the floods came up, the rain came down and the floods came up. The rain came down and the floods came up, and the house on the sand fell down.
Bottom line is this. Every relationship needs a strong foundation. In fact, everything you do in life needs a strong foundation. I suppose i was very much like the foolish man who built his house upon the sand. It's sad really. That i learnt this when i was younger then 10. And i have to relearn this through the hard way when i'm 2 decades older.
Sounds really logical, rational. I guess that's the calm part of me talking. The irrational and emotional side wants to rant out, wail out and ask him and the whole bloody world, WHY? What went wrong. Why do human beings betray each other? How came you claim that you love me one day and not the next? Why tell me you want an honest and open relationshp when you choose concsiously to lie to me when faced with a decidedly difficult situation. What does it say about you? On the flipside, what does it say about my judgement of a person? How can i be with different people and erred so many times in my judgement. Sighz
The emotional part of me wants to run away. Was at the airport last night. I wished i could have just boarded the next flight out of Singapore and ran as far away as possible. But i suppose i've done that often enough to know that at some point of time i would have to return back to Singapore. At some point of time, i still have to face reality. But it hurts. It hurts like hell. I'm in pain and the hardest part is, i have to pretend that none of this affects me. Because it'll be damn hard to explain to the folks back home and friends around me just why am i so upset. Or who i am dating.
He made a statement that resontated with me yesterday. He asked, aren't you tired? I am asking myself, do i try again because i love him and still feel a lot for him, or do i give up because truth is i really am tired.
I feel like i've done everything that i can. Tried everything. And yet, you cannot imagine the pain of it all to find out that you've been lied to. That the man that you look at all the time, and think only wonderful and beautiful things about him, crept right in front of you, and stabbed you in the chest. And you let him, because even when you saw the knife, you wanted to believe that he would never harm you coz he was that one person that you trusted. Tired.. Blog again later.

The weekend and some feelings

It's been a while since i actually blogged about how i felt. The weekend went by pretty well. Maybe coz it was packed with activities. There was Chris's and Jen's big day that took quite a bit out of everyone. Not so much the actual wedding itself but rather the people that once again flew in from all over to attend the wedding. Lester, Jos, Hansen were all here. Couple of others. And we took as a gathering once again and had a ball of a time. It was great. So we all attended the wedding. My table had Yan Bin, Maurice, Sharon, Josephine, Yuan Hwa, Wen Biao, Guang Wen, Qing Biao and myself. Then other familiar faces were Lawerence and Elaine, Pic and Jamie, Zhang Yang and Kang Kang, Terence and Lorraine, Jovester and wife, laurence, Garfield, Bert, Kevin Yew. Whole lot of familiar faces. It was sure fun catching up and hanging out and chilling. It's been a while since we saw so many people all on the same day. But it was a very beautiful affair at the Fullerton Hotel.
Went out shopping for a while with the people who stayed on. Jos, Lester and Kevin. The rest like Annette and Hansen had left this morning. Then went for dinner at this Philippines restaurant. Which was really hilarious coz Jos said the next time we go to Philippines, she'll bring us for Singapore food. Ha... Dinner was a small group. Maurice, Jos, Jamie, Yan Bin, Lester, Kevin Yew, Denmark Kevin, Pic, myself. Great dinner. Missed those awesome meals we had in Philippines. Yum yum. Then went to do a little shopping. Splurged a little on myself. But i guess it was all worth it. =)
On the romantic front, things between us are going so well. I can sort of feel him pulling away for a while now. And i am actually pretty tired of trying to pull us together and trying to make things work between us. And it hurts me a little to know that he has been chatting up other women online and making rather suggestive statements to them. I guess i ponder about what i am to him and whether he is just seriously bored and sick of our relationship. I guess our whole relationship hasn't been easy. For me more then for him. And at this point of time, i guess the word to sum up how i feel is probably a sense of disappointment. Not sure what else to say about us. Haven't known what to say for the last 2 months. I guess the only reason why we haven't already ended things was because i held on tightly for the both of us. But now with this new turn of events, i cannot help but wonder if the increased suspicion is because there are other women outside that he has to entertain and therefore explain for the decrease in amount of time spent with me. Honestly, i'm tired of always having been the one to hold to relationships that are slipping. Maybe i ought to just let go and give up. =(
Oh well, nothing much more to update other then the fact that i'm growing FAT FAT FAT!

Life and How to Survive It

Adrian Tan is a litigation lawyer at one of Singapore's top law firms. This is his speech at NTU's convocation ceremony this year.

Life and How to Survive It

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you've already won her heart, you don't need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You're done learning.

You've probably been told the big lie that 'Learning is a lifelong process' and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters' degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don't you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they're wrong.

The bad news is that you don't need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You're in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I'm here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you'll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they're 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn't meet their life expectancy.

I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term 'Karoshi', which means death from overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There's a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are 'making a living'. No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan 'Arbeit macht frei' was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn't do that, I would've been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don't imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I'll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don't, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I'm not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say 'be loved'. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You're going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there's no life expectancy.

The Inner Work of Creating Positive Change (Part 2) - Shelley Stile

Awareness, as mentioned is of utmost concern when effecting change. When we are living our lives in a state of true awareness wherein we are truly conscious of our actions, we can free ourselves from reactive, self-defeating behavior and realize our personal best.

Unfortunately, although we may think that we make conscious decisions, in reality our unconscious mind often impacts our behavior and when it does our actions are not truly under our control. We can learn to recognize the unconscious, that part of our mind that has great power over much of our actions without us even being aware of its existence. In doing so, we can diminish its power over us.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself?

As an example, try simply noticing that voice inside your head that gets very chatty whenever you are about to make a decision, especially an important one that could result in change. Is it telling you that you're nuts to consider what you are thinking of doing? Does it say that you failed once before and will probably do so again?

We fail to understand that the voice is out to sabotage us. Just by noticing it you will realize that this inner saboteur is at work. In the act of noticing you begin to empower yourself to make truly conscious decisions that will result in positive and lasting changes in your life.

Reactive Versus Proactive

I have mentioned how changing reactive, self-defeating behavior is key to realizing our personal best. What is reactive behavior versus proactive behavior? When you are reacting to life and its circumstances you are on the defensive. You are not in control. Life's circumstances are dictating your behavior and actions versus your being proactive and in control of your actions.

There is a good chance that you are being activated unconsciously as well. Example: Your boss gives you what you consider to be a harsh criticism of your latest report. Your adrenaline rushes and a wave of angry indignation rolls over you. In that emotional state, you are unable to actually hear what he or she has to say because you are already defending yourself. Your response to him is defensive and somewhat irrational.

You cannot control what he/she had to say but you can control how you handle yourself. Therein lies the key to non-reactive behavior: your ability to handle situations in ways that prove productive versus destructive. Stop and think. Pause. Get your heart rate back to the normal range.

Without taking anything personally, was there anything in what he had to say that had merit? Is there some sort of deep learning to be had, either from him or you? Could the perceived harshness perhaps have been amplified by your defensiveness?

Being proactive means that as human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen.

~The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey

Do Your Meanings Serve You?

Life will always be throwing things our way, much of it unpleasant and challenging. That's life. We cannot control life but we can control how we handle it. If we are really aware and in tune with what is happening, we can learn not to add meaning to reality where there is no additional meaning needed.

For example, in the above incident, you may have reacted because you assumed your boss thought you were in the wrong and therefore not up to snuff. But that was just what you thought he meant.

What you think he meant and what he said are often two very different entities. Perhaps all he meant was that your work could have been better and he wanted to steer you in the right direction.

Leave Your Past Behind

Often, adding meaning where there is none harkens back to childhood. Your father was always highly critical and you came to believe that this meant that you were a loser and wouldn't amount to anything. That is the type of meaning a child creates in response to an unpleasant situation.

What really happened is that you had a highly critical father. Period. The most unfortunate part is that this type of reaction to criticism will often be carried into adult hood and anytime criticism is leveled at you, you respond with your childhood reaction: I am a loser. The ability to control reactive behavior and see things for just what they are can make a world of difference in your life.

Finally, a word about perspective or attitude. How we view the world or any given situation will dictate our effectiveness and our state of mind. Change your attitude and you not only change the way you see things, you will change your reality. If you approach your work/life as being tough, that perspective will trickle down into everything you do. Try a new perspective on, one that will work in accordance with your goals and desires.

Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

~William James
US Pragmatist philosopher & psychologist

The Inner Work of Creating Positive Change

Inner work means that we are laying the foundation for a mindset that allows us to make lasting changes that will create a more meaningful, productive and happy life. Once the inner work is done, the outer changes will compound like bank interest. Your authenticity will shine and people will be drawn to this new you.

You will view everything that happens as an opportunity for growth and grow and change you will. The work you do and its subsequent benefits will spread into all areas of your life, not just the ones that you may have originally pinpointed. The vision you held of the will become your reality now.

The Inner Work of Creating Positive Change (Part 1) - Shelley Stile

Contrary to a widely held belief that people do not change, I submit to you that people do change and often in dramatic, life-altering ways. I say this with full confidence as I have witnessed it happen time and time again. Creating positive change in your life is totally possible. You can change yourself and thereby your life.

When you are fully committed to making changes in your life, it will happen. That commitment, based on a deep desire for growth, is half the journey. Once you have made that choice, one made with total awareness and a honesty of your present reality, you are free to move forward towards a better or even new you.

The one constant in this universe is change. Everything that exists is in a state of change. Ask any quantum physicist. As part of the universe, we are part of that cycle of change. The experiences you have today will impact you in such a way that you will awaken tomorrow changed in some way. Once you have hit your forties or fifties, the kid you were in your twenties is pretty much gone and a wiser you is standing.

Change is desired on a number of levels. In business we might be looking to be a more effective leader or manager in order to increase productivity. That might entail changing how we deal with people by improving our motivation and communication skills. Change might mean a new career, lifestyle or relationship. It might mean building more confidence and self-esteem or learning how to be less aggressive.

Inner Change To Create Outer Change

Change involves inner work before the outer work can begin. That is always the case. As Albert Einstein said; 'The significant problems we face cannot be solved on the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.' Steven Covey, in his critically acclaimed book; 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People', stresses the concept of inner work before outer work or change:

The inside-out approach to change means to start first with self; even more fundamental, to start with the most inside part of self - with your paradigms, your character and your motives.

So, if change is to happen and if it is to last, we need to acknowledge that we must take a look at who we are now and who we want to be in the future. We will have to be honest with ourselves and recognize reality as it exists and not as we think it should or could be.

Take Responsibility for Change

We need to develop a high level of awareness and clarity about everything that we do as all too often, our subconscious tends to run the show and not us. Most importantly, we need to take full responsibility for our lives and not place the blame elsewhere. That also involves giving up the need to control things; except of course, yourself. Until you are willing to do this kind of work, change will not occur, at least not enduring change.

Where are you feeling dissatisfied? Where are you noticing dissonance in your life? Where are you feeling stuck? Identify the issues. Now, recognize exactly where you are and then consider where you would like to be in the future if everything were running smoothly?

If for instance, your sales team is not performing up to budget and you are having a difficult time motivating them towards success, consider what a sales team that is highly motivated and successful would look like. Consider what your role would be in achieving that goal? Who would you be? How would you function? How would you feel? The gap between where you are now and where you want to be is where the work will be done.

In Life Coaching we find that your ability to succeed at your job is highly dependent on whether your values and passions are in alignment with your job and it's requirements. After some serious inquiry, you might discover the things that are called for in motivating your sales team. Say it will consist of more patience, more enthusiasm, more nurturing and more of a team atmosphere. Are these the kind of things that hold value for you? If not, you will be unable to be effective.

Do the important inner work of discovering who you are now, what matters to you, what you are passionate about and what you place value on. Are these things showing up for you in your everyday life? If not, there is sure to be dissonance.

If being successful in your work is of great value to you then what are you willing to do and not to do in order to be a success? Are you willing to make the necessary changes in how you are being? Are you willing to try something different? Are the things you need to do aligned with your values and passions? What are you willing to say yes to and even more important, what are you willing to say no to?

5 Steps to Derail Difficult People - Frank Lunn

That one guy at work that always has to be right; your buddy's wife who can't eat anywhere they serve burgers, or the monster-in-law, I mean mother-in-law, with too many opinions for your own good, difficult people, we all know them. So the question is, is there a right and a wrong way to deal with them? The answer is yes, if you want to avoid unnecessary confrontations.

First, keep in mind that it is very unlikely you will ever change the other person, so dealing with their difficult personality won't be just a one time incident, but an every time skill. Don't sit back saying nothing until you absolutely can't take it one more second. Your pent up frustration will only result in a catastrophic blowout. The best approach is to confront and handle the situation as it occurs. Just practice these 5 steps.

1. Decide what the exact problem is and face them alone and in person to discuss it.

Keep your posture open and inviting, avoiding crossed arms or negative facial expressions.

2. Have a clear outcome in mind and strive continuously throughout the confrontation to reach it.

May be as simple as getting the other person to listen to your viewpoint.

3. Organize your thoughts before you meet.

Think of supporting arguments, specific instances, and any documents to build a solid case and avoid generalities.

4. Keep calm in your body language and tone of voice, but stand your ground.

Remind yourself that this is a situation you are dealing with, so don't turn it into a personal attack.

5. Listen to what the other person is saying and show them that you are taking their feelings into consideration, and then get them to do the same.

Show them you are listening by keeping eye contact and repeating back what they have said in your rebuttal. Kindness, calm and rationality are your tools for getting them to do the same.

Most importantly, keep communicating! The more you practice these five steps, the easier confronting difficult people and situations will become. Taking the cool, calm and kind approach to handling the situation will throw them off guard leaving the door open for you to take control. Just as you must plan for success in all other areas, you must also plan in order to successfully derail the difficult people in your life.

The Toddler's Guide to Perseverance - Maria E. Andreu

My two-year-old daughter asks me for ice cream about one hundred times a day. You think I'm exaggerating for effect, but I am really not. She stars when she first gets up in the morning, requesting it as her breakfast. (I say no). She asks mid-morning, several times. She asks for it as an appetizer to her lunch, asks for it when m mother is caring for her (I'm blissfully not privy to that, as I am in the world of grown-ups, coaching!), asks at snack, dinner, and about 70 other times during the day. Sometimes she employs tactics of terror, kicking and screaming until our very nerves tremble. Sometimes she flashes the sweetest smile.

And of the hundred times she asks per day (I made it a nice round number, but I suspect it's probably higher than that) she gets ice cream maybe once every two or three days. Sometimes she wears me down once a day for a few days. Now, before you start thinking this is an article on parenting techniques (as in, what NOT to do), I''m actually using this headstrong toddler as an example. An example of what To do. Yes, an example for even you to follow.

Because what is her success rate? On a good day, it is one percent. ONE PERCENT. She FAILS 99 percent of the time. She tries a variety of approaches, and finds that 99 times out of 100, they do not work. And yet, she gets a bit of what she wants just about every day.

Why? Let's examine. First, she makes it very clear what she wants. She tells me color, flavor, in detail, in her request. She starts early in the morning and doesn't let up until night time. She actually hits up her father more that she does me, knowing he's more of a softy, so she knows the proper venue for her request.

Lesson to be learned: Be REALLY clear on what you want. It's hard to expect the world to give you what you're looking for if you don't quite know what it is. Define the color and flavor of what you want.

Second, failure is not any kind of deterrent for her. She is the embodiment of the old adage, " 'NO' just means try again later." She puts no negative spin to herself for the 99 times she fails to get what she wants. She doesn't say to herself, "Oh, I've failed. Maybe I'm not meant to have ice cream. Maybe I should just learn to like this broccoli stuff. Why -oh why- do I never get what I want?" She just asks time number 83. And 84. And 85...

Lesson: Failure simply means TRY AGAIN. It does not mean anything about you, that you are not worthy or not special or not meant to have what you want. You just have to keep trying.

Third, she learns from her mistakes. I notice she's refined her request time to times when she considers me most vulnerable. She gets me when I'm tired or otherwise occupied, or when there is someone else around and I'm not as likely to stand firm.

Lesson: Learn from your failures. You'll eventually be able to cut them down if you learn what NOT to do.

Fourth, she's flexible. At times when she sees I'm steadfast in my refusal to provide her drug of choice (ice cream, before you go off to summon the proper authorities), she starts to negotiate for an alternative. Lollipop? Gum? Chocolate? Raisin? She usually gets me with the raisin.

Lesson: Be flexible! Maybe you can't get EXACTLY what you want, but you can get an approximation. Ask for raisins!

Fifth, she eats like a pro. She eats broccoli, seafood, any crazy health food I decide to feed her. It makes me more likely to give her icecream when I see she's "paid her dues" and eaten all the good stuff I want her to.

Lesson: Pay your dues. Life rewards the hardworking and the diligent. Eat your broccoli and you're more likely to get the ice cream.

Lastly, she loses with a big smile. Sometimes it turns into a joke and we laugh. So even when I "win" (and I don't really suspect I ever truly do), we stay friends and go on to negotiate another day.

Lesson: Take Life's bumps with a smile. You never know when life is just two requests away from giving you a great big ice cream cone.

Well, there you have it, the toddler's philosophy to perseverance. Before you laugh and dismiss this as the ramblings of a proud mom (guilty as charged!), take a moment to reflect on how much more successful we would all be if we faced life's challenges with the aplomb of little children. Sure, they drop on the floor and wail when they don't get their way (and just imagine how cathartic THAT would be if you could do that at your next meeting!) but they get right back up and try again, unafraid and unstoppable. A pretty good way to approach life, wouldn't you say?

The Amazing Power Of a "Belief" - Dr Jill Ammon-Wexler

What is the true power of a thought?

Just last week one of the entrepreneurs I work with wondered why he could "never seem to get ahead financially."

I've done everything all the self-help books tell me to do," Edward explained. "I've set goals, I've visualized, I've done to one seminar after another -- but I still can't seem to get any more money in my life."

"Tell me," I asked, "what you BELIEVE to be true about having more money."

Here's his list of beliefs about money:

• I just can't seem to make any more money.
• I have hit my peak financially.
• It is just hard to make money.
• The rich get richer, and the poor get poorer.
• I really can get along OK without more money.
• The tax man will just take it anyway.
• I do not want to sell my soul just to have more money.

Many people will agree with his list. So what's wrong here?

The basic problem is this: Edward's internal *belies* about money do NOT support his desire for more money in his life. In fact, his beliefs actually negate his desire.

**How Beliefs Run Our Lives
We each have a set of beliefs and assumptions for ever area of our life: From money to success - from relationships to your body image. And most of these beliefs go way back into your childhood.

So what?

Because of the very nature of belief, we truly BELIEVE them to be true. In fact, we automatically assume a belief is true without even thinking about it.

Edward BELIEVES he would have to 'sell his soul' to get more money in his life, and the 'tax man would just take it anyway'. And he also believes he has 'hit his peak financially', and 'really CAN get along without more money.'

Does that sound like a set of beliefs that support his desire to have more money in his life?

Have you examined your subconscious beliefs about what you 'say' you want to create in YOUR life?

**The Power of a Belief
Most of us are willing to scrutinize all aspects of ourselves, but can get very defensive if someone dares question our beliefs.

We assume our beliefs are beyond question. So they often remain unquestioned, and can simply run right over any goal that goes against them.

**Science in Action
But I discovered the scientific truth behind how a thought can overturn a belief when I first began to use biofeedback in a clinical environment.

I especially recall the wife of a prominent local surgeon, She came to me hoping biofeedback would provide some releif form her crippling back pain.

Mrs Robbins (not her real name) had been in an especially nasty high speed car crash three years earlier. She had wrenched her back, and her back pain had never healed.

She hobbled into my clinic leaning heavily on a cane. Her physician husband was recommending surgery, and she was only trying biofeedback on a whim.

In the first session we discovered her belief that she would never heal from the trauma (her best friend had died in the crash).

I attached biofeedback sensors to her back, and we both observed the computer feedout as she painfully attempted to move her legs. Then i hooked up the sensors to her arm, and had her tense, then relax, her muscles. She clearly saw the difference between relaxed and tense on the computer screen.

Then I suggested that her back pain 'might' be muscle bracing that had become a chronic habit -- and proposed an experiment in which she would just 'think' about allowing her back to relax.

We placed sensors on her back again and I turned the screen away from her as she began to think about allowing her back to relax. Sure enough, the spikes reduced dramatically. When I rotated the screen so she could see it, her jaw dropped.

The power of her thoughts had immediately reduced the muscle spasms in her back. I asked her how her back felt. She was even more amazed. The skin had begun to warm as her circulation was partially restored.

After only three biofeedback sessions she was able to release the muscle spasms in her back with a single thought. And a few weeks later the cane was gone.

She had cured herself from a crippling belief (I don't think I'll ever heal) with a single powerful alternative belief ( I can relax the muscle spasms in my back.)

Old beliefs CAN be replaced with success-affirming positive thoughts.

**Replacing Limiting Beliefs
Replacing limiting beliefs requires dealing with the ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) are attached to those beliefs.

If you do have a limiting beliefs, your ANTs will constantly reinforce those beliefs. The only way to stomp ANTs is to creat new positive beliefs to replace the old negatives!

It does NOT matter if you believe these new positive beliefs at first.

Go ahead and read that sentence again!

Your mind is a creature of habit. The more often you consciously focus on your new positive beliefs, the faster they will be taken into your subconscious mind and replace your old limiting beliefs.

Do a mental house-cleaning and get rid of those ANTs.

Get Real: In Pursuit of Your Fearless Life - Carey Powell

How are you standing in the way of your dreams and goals?

It's time to stop telling yourself lies, stop making excuses and (gulp) take a long hard look at what role you are playing in your current situation.

If you're willing to ask yourself the hard questions now, you can save yourself from facing them as even bigger roadblocks in the future. But if you skip this step, you'll keep coming up against these same issues over and over again, no matter how hard you work.

If you can:

1) See things as they really are, and

2) Accept responsibility for your role in making them that way,

Then you can regain your power and fully claim the fearless life you deserve.

The good news is that by doing this essential work, you can clear most of what's been stopping you from living your dreams.

More often than not, "you" are what is standing in the way of achieving your goals or living your dreams. And that's a good thing!

Why is that a good thing? Because "you" is something you can do something about. Not so with other people or outside situations, which you need to accept and work with as they are.

What's Fear Got To Do With It?

Once you uncover the truth about your own role in keeping yourself down, it might be scary to consider the changes you're going to have to make.

As well, you will likely have to give up some long-standing beliefs, and even though they're getting in your way, maybe they're all you've even known.

It's scary to not know exactly what's going to replace those beliefs and how your life will look and feel once you've made those changes.

No one likes to look at the ugliest parts of themselves and admit their own shortcomings. Yet, on the other side of this process, you will experience a huge weight being lifted from your shoulders. Lying to others takes a lot of energy, but lying to yourself takes a hundred times more energy.

The bad news is that you were contributing to the problem all along, but the great news is that now you can fix it!

You're not hiding behind denial anymore, and that new sense of vulnerability holds a certain power. Anything is possible now.

Get Real

To start the process of getting real, consider the 5 questions about yourself you're most afraid to hear the answers to. Then, ask a trusted friend or partner for their honest feedback, and open yourself up to hear it.

Congratulations on your extraordinary fearlessness!

The Cost of Being Right - Shelley Stile

A person who had been surrounded by their peers now sits alone, safe in the knowledge that he or she is right in their viewpoint, even though they have alienated everyone around them. Some of us will sacrifice almost anything just in order to be the last one standing. One of the highest prices we pay in life is the cost of being right. The ego is a mighty powerful entity left unchecked.

Have you ever attempted to reason with a child who knows everything? It's their way or no way at all. They simply cannot understand the concept of another person's point of view. Children go through a stage where they are extremely self-absorbed. Everything is mine and they will not share. The world revolves around their desires and needs. This is a normal stage of childhood where the child is asserting their individuality and independence. The problem arises when the behavior is carried over into adulthood.

People Who Have a Need to be Right

People who need to be right have little patience for others. They perceive their ideas as the right way to do things and their viewpoints as the right way to think. A differing opinion is a direct affront to their sense of well-being and they become extremely aggressive in their defense of themselves. They tend to alienate others due to their insistence on being 'right'. The importance of the issue in question doesn't seem to have any relevance. A simple trip to the store can end in disaster. Anger and a lack of empathy seem to be the rule of thumb.

People are different. We each have a totally unique set of DNA that will never be replicated short of cloning. I do not think the same as you do and vice-versa. Our brains are wired differently. What seems totally natural and easy for me to do may be close to impossible for you. Oftentimes we get caught in the thought pattern,

'If I can see this so clearly, why in the world can't you?'

'If I can perform this task, why can't you?'

But the reality is that just because I can do something does not mean that you can. Nor does it make me better or right. Just different.

What is Right or Wrong?

What is right and wrong? I bake a cake a certain way and I determine that it
is the 'right' way to bake a cake. Yet my next-door neighbor uses an entirely different method and guess what? Her cake is just as good. Short of a cake being inedible, there is no right or wrong, just different ways of baking the cake. Some ways may be more efficient, true. But not necessarily the only way of doing it.

Webster's dictionary states the following as a definition of the word right: conforming to facts or truth; most favorable or desired. Can someone's opinion or idea be right because it is considered as conforming to the truth or a fact? By the way, whose truth? Or better yet, two viewpoints can each conform to the truth so which one is more right? Can someone's stand on a subject be the most favorable or desired? That is highly relative and I think that is the point. It's all relative.

Having to be right seems to be more akin to the definition of self-righteous which Webster's defines as convinced of one's own righteousness (being right) especially in contrast with the actions and beliefs of others: narrow-mindedly moralistic. Aha! Now we are getting closer. Someone who needs to be right would seem to be self-righteous, i.e. someone who feels that their way of seeing and doing things is superior to that of others.

This brings to mind the religious zealots who believe that their way of worshiping God is the only true way and that anyone who does not hold to their dogma is not only a non-believer but also an infidel. They have the deep need to convert the non-believer, believing that unless you hold to my way of thinking, you will be condemned to hell. My believing something different is considered a threat. This of course is an extreme case of but it certainly reveals the nature of being right.

What also pops up for me on the subject of being right is what often happens in a divorce. We all have stories of an acrimonious divorce where two people spend insane amounts of money to argue about trivialities just to get even and be in the right. The antagonists will pay their lawyers thousands of dollars in a fight over a living room chair just for the sake of besting the other person. Once again it shows the price people are willing to pay in support of their ego.

The Price to Pay for the Need to be Right

Why the intense need to be right? Myriad reasons come to mind: self esteem issues, low self-confidence, the past running the present, remnants of childhood adaptations, ego-centric behavior;the list goes on and on. I am of the opinion that it isn't so much the reasons (although it is important to understand why we do certain things) behind why we need to be right rather the self-knowledge that we are indeed involved in this kind of self-destructive behavior. We must first become aware of our need to be right and then examine the costs involved in our behavior.

What are the costs of being right? We come across as a know-it-all, which alienates people. We are unyielding and do not work well with others so we have a tendency not to be part of the team or community. We isolate ourselves. We turn away connectedness and love. We become an island unto ourselves. Most impactful is the fact that we close ourselves off to what the world has to offer because we know best.

…people find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.

~J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince.

Stay Open to Possibilities

We will never recognize where our next opportunity lies if we do not remain open to possibilities. To remain receptive to what the world has to offer, we must keep an open mind and heart. We must learn to listen to what others have to say. We must be aware and conscious of what is being offered to us at any given moment. We must realize that there is much to gain from listening and not speaking. If I am too busy pushing my agenda, I cannot possibly hear what is being said and therefore I may miss out on what could be an opportunity to experience deep learning and personal growth.

Looking at the big picture versus the immediate helps put things in perspective. If I don't get my way, is it a matter of life and death? Will I even remember this incident in ten years from now? Some things are simply not worth the effort and being right all the time fits into that category.

Think of what it is like to be heard? How do you regard someone who takes a sincere interest in you and what you have to say? Those people who hold a genuine curiosity about others are magnets. We are attracted to them because they make us feel good about ourselves. They in turn are rewarded with deeper friendships, better working relationships, more meaningful and loving personal relationships and a universe that continually opens with more possibilities.

Start by simply noticing if you are overly invested in being right when you have a discussion with others, be it at work, at home, wherever. Just notice how you are being and perhaps, why? In the noticing you will become very aware of how you interact with others. Imagine being in their shoes and seeing through their eyes. What do you look like from their viewpoint? Is it a picture you like? If not, how could you do things differently?

As you notice and do things differently you may start to see dramatic changes. Or the changes may be subtler. As you do things differently, people will start to react differently. Your world will open up. You will start feeling more connected. You will learn new things that had remained closed off to you before. New possibilities for a life that is more meaningful and fulfilling will appear.

Being righteous and being self-righteous are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. It's the difference between people who are full of themselves versus people who do the right thing. Who do you choose? How do you want to be perceived? A life well lived is a life where being right is not the be-all end-all. The be-all end-all is a life well lived. Luckily, as human beings we were given free will and the ability to choose for ourselves.

It all comes down to choice.

Where Are You, and Where Do You Want to Be? - Coach Karl

Have you seen the Global Positioning navigational systems that are available in vehicles today? And antenna on the roof of your vehicle sends a signal to satellites in the sky that identify your current location. Once you enter your desired destination into the keypad, the computer calculates the route between where you are and where you want to go. The monitor informs you of the distance you have to travel and recommends the best route to get there, and once you begin, they system will give you (by spoken word or by text) specific directions to lead you to your new destination.

The navigational systems never asks: "Where have you been?" It does not ask: "Why have you been there so long?" It's only mission is to assist you in getting from where you are to where you want to be. Your emotions provide a similar guidance system for you, for their primary function is also to help you travel the distance from where you are to wherever you want to be.

It is extremely important that you know where you are in relationship to where you want to be in order to effectively move closer to where you want to be. An understanding of both where you are and where you want to be is essential if you are to make any deliberate decisions about your journey.

You are surrounded by many influences in your physical environment, and often, others ask or insist that you behave differently in order to positively affect their experience. You are deluged with laws, rules, and expectations that are imposed by others, and almost everyone seems to have an opinion about how you should behave. But it is not possible for you to stay on track between where you are and where you want to be if you are using those kinds of outside influences to guide you.

Often you are pulled this way and that in an attempt to please another, only to discover that no matter how hard you try, you cannot consistently move in any pleasing direction, and so, you not only do not please them, but you also do not please yourself. And because you are being pulled in so many different directions, your path to where you want to be usually gets lost in the process.


Question of the day:
Where do you want to be? Or more importantly, before you can ask that question, What do I want? =)

The Good Life Part 2 - Shelley Stile

Values. What are the things to which you attach value? What is important to you? If you had to create a list of the top five things that you value, what would they be? Would it be money, possessions, power, stature and authority? Would it be love, family, integrity, freedom and compassion? Or a combination?

Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of
value.

~Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

How Do You Want to Be Remembered?

We have all heard the adage about what the epitaph on our tombstone will say or not say. Will it say that she had a powerful job, she flew first class, that she had a Mercedes-Benz and wore only couture? More often you will read on a tombstone that she was a loving Mother and Wife, a charitable person and an outstanding member of the community.

Think about how you would like to be remembered. What would you like to hear people say about you at your funeral or memorial? Will it be on how much money you made or how much you consumed? Doubtful.

I remember the funeral of a very dear friend who died suddenly while he was still in his fifties. The Rabbi said that all we have in the end is our good name. Who we were, how we lived, how we loved, our empathy and compassion, service to the world we lived in and the legacy we left to our children and their children.

My Take on the Good Life

My own personal take on the good life, at least for me, involves the following: I want to be a person who possesses a deep appreciation for everything that I have: to be grateful. I want to be able to live without the fear of not being able to take care of my kids and myself and yes, I do want to live well.

Living well for me is a lovely home in nature; it is being free to travel; it is having the ability to help my kids get a good start in their adult lives; it is having enough money to be able to take good care of myself and to also be charitable. I want to have a life that is filled with meaning, with a deep connection to the world around me.

What Is Your Good Life?

What is your Good Life? Take the time now to give thought to the life that you want to live, the life that you would describe as the Good Life. Make certain that it is aligned with your values and your passions and to so you must connect with your values and passions.

What are they? Think long and hard about what brings you real joy and fulfillment. Remember those times in your life when you were the happiest; what resonated for you in those moments?

Consider how you want to be remembered, how you want to look in your children's eyes. What traits do you admire in others and how can you adopt some of those traits? What have been peak experiences in your life and what was it about those experiences that made them so special?

These are the kind of questions that beg our attention. These are the questions that will ultimately lead us to the Good Life. Not the $14,000 dessert but a life well lived. With meaning, love, comfort, joy and fulfillment.

The Good Life Part 1 - Shelley Stile

I was listening to the MSNBC on the radio when a feature came on entitled, 'The Good Life'. They proceeded to discuss a $14,000 dessert being offered in Sri Lanka that included, amongst other things, an aquamarine. No kidding. This is how MSNBC characterizes the good life. It struck me how in our culture we define the good life more in terms of the consumption of material goods than in relationship to any other quality.

Simply listen to the vast majority of contemporary music on the airwaves these days for confirmation. I have two teenagers in my house so I know all too well: Cristal champagne, expensive cars, first class jet airline seats, bling; the list goes on and on.

This is what our kids are being taught: the good life is about having things, not about who you are as a human being. Where are these values coming from? I believe it is a trickle down effect from what they see being honored in our society.

So if the good life is about having things, how is it that so many people who have so many things have lives that lack so much satisfaction and meaning?

I am not saying that having money is not a good thing, quite the contrary. We all need financial security. We need to know that we can provide for our families and be free of the pressure of struggling to make ends meet. We all want to live a comfortable life. But where is the point of no return?

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that
counts can be counted.

~Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

What Provides a Satisfying Life?

The Worldwide Institute in its 2004 State of the World report explains:

Societies focused on well being involved more interaction with family, friends, and neighbors, a more direct experience of nature, and more attention to finding fulfillment and creative expression than in accumulating goods. They emphasize lifestyles that avoid abusing your own health, other people, or the natural world. In short, they yield a deeper sense of satisfaction with life than many people report experiencing today.

What provides for a satisfying life? In recent years, psychologists studying measures of life satisfaction have largely confirmed the old adage that 'money can't buy happiness', at least not for people who are already affluent.

The disconnection between money and happiness in wealthy countries is perhaps most clearly illustrated when growth in income in industrial countries is plotted against levels of happiness. In the United States, for example, the average person's income more than doubled between 1957 and 2002, yet the share of people reporting themselves to be 'very happy' over that period remained static.

What Does the Good Life Look Like?

So if growth in income has not made people happier than obviously they are not living the good life. In order to clarify what the good life is, I do an exercise with clients that involves seeing themselves at some distant point in the future where they are finally who they want to be, they have what they want to have and are deeply satisfied and happy. In other words, they have achieved the 'Good Life'.

Nearly one hundred percent of the time, without fail, clients do not have visions of extreme wealth. They really don't talk about wealth at all, at least not in terms of money or possessions. They do not talk about living in a house with every known convenience and luxury. They do talk about a home located in a beautiful setting, perhaps by the ocean or on a lake in the mountains.

There is always talk about a place that gives them a feeling of peace and serenity; a place they were meant to be. They never discuss possessions - ever. No talk of cars, televisions or fancy clothes. It just never comes up. They may mention that they are free to travel but certainly they do not say first class.

They describe themselves as a person who no longer fights feelings of depression, dissatisfaction or dissonance in their lives. They speak of a feeling of acceptance of what is. There is love in their lives although they don't necessarily mention a specific mate. Just love. There is discussion of deep wisdom accumulated over the years. There is also talk of being surrounded by the people who they hold dear.

Often, if they have children, they will say that they are happy that they have been able to help their kids but more often is the description of children who have grown into responsible, loving and fulfilled human beings. They describe with pride children who are contributors to the world.

I hear about pets in the house and perhaps grandchildren. These are folks who have discovered what truly has meaning for them and what they really value.

Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values.

~Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982)

What's the Pay Off - Josh Perez

What is robbing you of your joy? What is causing harm to you rather than benefiting you? If it is not benefiting you and those around you, then it is taking away from you. What is bringing frustration to your life?

It could be something as easy as your attitude or it could be something tougher like a deep rooted pain or hurt you experienced years ago, but never dealt with. If it is a deep rooted issue that troubles you today, allow me to suggest that you pick up the phone and call a counselor who can help you get passed that.

Maybe you are not dealing with a deep rooted issue. What is it then that is not benefiting your life? Could it be drugs, alcohol, or gambling? Could it be hatred, anger, bitterness, or unforgiveness? I encourage you to be honest with yourself right now and examine your life. You know exactly what is and what is not benefiting your life. You do not need someone to tell you.

How is that particular thing robbing from you? What affect does it have on your spouse, family, friends, and co-workers? How is it distancing others from you? How is it affecting your life? What kind of momentary benefit does it bring to you and is it worth the price you pay? Be honest with yourself; forget everyone else and just examine yourself.

The good thing is, it doesn't matter whether it is an addiction, an attitude, or a certain way of living; we can change it. It may require we get outside assistance. It may simply be something we recognize that is affecting us negatively and applying the positive opposite would change it for the better. One thing is very clear, it will take work. It will take work in the sense of practicing the new behavior or lifestyle change. Think of how long you have been doing that particular thing that has not brought benefit to your life; it is ingrained in you to do it that way.

You must practice a new habit everyday for at least 30 days and probably longer before it becomes a regular part of your day to day life. It must become a habit and it takes time and effort to build a habit.

First things first, pinpoint exactly what is taking away or not benefiting you. Next, place a new habit in place of this old habit. Thirdly, practice this new habit every chance you get.

Now, there will be times you will revert back to your old ways; it is not the end of the world. Whatever you do, do not make excuses for it or try to justify it. Simply see how you arrived there, so you can see what exactly triggered you reverting back to your old way.

It may be a friend that you can no longer associate yourself with or it may be a place you can no longer go to. It may be people that trigger a certain attitude. If that is the case, you have got to change your attitude and not necessarily the people. In other words, if you find yourself getting easily angered or frustrated with people or circumstances, then you need to acknowledge that is something you do and change it. You change it by first acknowledging it as something you do not desire to do any longer. Then, when the time comes that you feel it coming on, suppress it and exchange it for a better attitude. Know what kind of attitude you want to exchange it for in advance or else this will not work.

Again, the bottom line is that it will take work in order to bring the necessary changes we desire to our lives. We must practice the new way of living, new attitude, new outlook, and new way of conducting ourselves. It will take some time, but it will be well worth it. Think about it, you can remain like you are or you can make life better for yourself and those around you. You can remain like you are and keep allowing that particular thing to keep taking away from you or you can change it. The change is worth it if it brings benefit and enjoyment of life to you and others around you.

Let's not give up; we all have weaknesses that we need to tend to and work on. We can all better ourselves and in bettering ourselves, we make it easier for others we come in contact with and we can even make this world a better place.

Are you Auditioning for your Life - Josh Perez

Be honest with yourself, what do you do when friends, co-workers, or relatives tell you what you should or should not do about your life, health, career, relationships, etc? Do you immediately move to action to change what others say you should change? How does what others think about you affect your life? What happens to you that you immediately feel like you must work on what someone else pointed out in your life?

I believe this act of wanting to please others affects all of us in some way. However, it affects many in a great way. Have you ever auditioned for a part in a play? Did you ever try out for the football or volleyball team at school? We endeavored to play the part well so the director would be pleased with our performance and give us the part. We worked so hard to please the coach in hopes that we might have a spot on the team.

When we were teenagers we were pressured by our friends to do certain things we knew were not right. Since we wanted to keep our friends we would do those things to please them. We view American Idol to watch as young people audition before the judges and the nation to try to become the next American Idol. We step into our adult years where we have a career and we perform for the boss, so he/she will be pleased with us.

Life itself can feel like just one big audition. We step on stage of life where all the lights are blaring in our face. The audience sits back to watch our performance. Suddenly, we begin to perform for them. Who are you performing and auditioning for? Who can tell you to jump and you jump and keep jumping until they tell you to stop? Who are you trying to please to the extent that whatever they tell you to do or change you hop right to it?

Life is Not an Audition.

Life should not be an audition. We are not trying out all the time. What happened to a person having their own identity? Why are we working so hard to become like everyone else when we are a unique individual personality? If you are moderately or constantly changing something in your life because someone said you should, then you are basically not in control of the decisions you make. You are allowing others to make decisions for you because of your strong desire to be pleasing, approved, accepted, and praised in their sight.

Sure, there are people we should look up to and glean from. There are people who should influence our life and give us advice. It is not so much others that are the problem as it is you desiring them to be pleased with your performance.

I will give you an example. A woman goes to the mall to shop for a dress for a special occasion. She spends a few hours going from store to store and trying on dress after dress and finally she finds one she likes. She likes the color, style, and it fits great on her. Well, when she gets home and models it for her friends she finds they are not as favorable of the dress as she is.

What would you do? Do you return the dress based on their comments or do you keep it because you really like it? If you really want to please your friends, you would return the dress back to the store. However, if you are your own person, unique and different, you would rip the price tag off and wear the dress for the special occasion.

You are Already in the Play

You have to ask yourself "what do you want to accomplish in your life?" and not "what do others want you to accomplish?". Change something in your life because you believe it's the right thing to do for you and not for anyone and everyone else.

How comfortable are you with your weight? How comfortable are you with your career? How comfortable are you with your life right now? Change your life because you want to change it and not because you would be pleasing others if you did. True friends will love you for who you are and not because you are not pleasing them. Living your life for others is nothing but a life full of frustration. It is a constant struggle. The balance would be to allow people to have input and influence in your life without controlling your every move.

When I am trying hard to please others, they control my every move. You be in control of your life. You are not auditioning for a part in the play called "Life". You are in the play.

goodbye is just so tough

It's hard to know how to begin this letter,
I just wish my words would serve me better.
The hardest thing I ever did was let u go,
Because my actions displayed what my heart couldn't show.
I hope you're happy, content and well.
These I long to hear you tell.
But alas, I'll never again hear your voice,
Though not through my own choice.
But maybe it's better this way,
Because what's there left to say
Except for a sad sigh
And one last goodbye.
I cared for you more than you could ever know.
Your such a great person, your truly an amazing.
I regret when we fight, I don't think its right.
When ever I see you hurt the only person I blame is me,
I hate it when you in pain for I love thee.
I wish life wasn't so complicated,
I am tired of us always being hated.
I wish you the best with what ever you chose to do,
I want you to know, no matter what, i will always love you.

Sharing a day with you is quite fun..
to witness the most beautiful sunset with you
will always be a beautiful sunrise in my heart
we may go separate ways
live different lives
you will always be the only one
whom can fill that space in my lonely heart
your sweet melody turns a lovely harmony
that mixes different colors and hues
in my lonesome nights
with a cold blowing air
and bright moon and stars
memories of ours...

Anatomy of a Miracle - Jeff Keller

As the final seconds of the game ticked down, millions of people around the world couldn't believe what was about to happen. And as the game ended, we heard Al Michaels' now famous words, "Do you believe in miracles?"

A miracle is was. The greatest upset in sports history. Yes, I'm referring to the 1980 U.S Olympic Hockey Team victory over the Soviet Union in Lake Placid, New York. The American squad went on to capture the gold medal that year.

Let's remember what the American team was up against - and why this victory against the Soviets was truly a "miracle." Going into the 1980 Olympic games, the powerful, professional Soviet hockey team had won four consecutive gold medals and was undefeated in the Olympics since 1968. In 1979, the Soviets beat the professional National Hockey League All-Stars 6-0.

The U.S team, on the other hand, was a collection of untested college players. Shortly before the 1980 Olympics, the Soviets played the U.S Olympic Team in an exhibition and the Soviets embarrassed the U.S squad by a score of 10-3. Everyone knew there was no way these college players could even compete with the Soviets, let alone beat them.

Everyone that is, except Herb Brooks, who coached the 1980 U.S team. Brooks thought that he could pull off a miracle. He believed the U.S could win a gold medal even if it required beating the "unbeatable" Soviet team.

In 2004, Walt Disney Pictures released a movie about Coach Brooks and the 1980 U.S Olympic team, aptly titled "Miracle." It's a wonderful, inspiring movie starring Kurt Russell as Coach Brooks. After watching the movie recently, I couldn't help observing that while every miracle is unique, there are some elements that most miracles have in common. For instance:

* A miracle is the result of a BIG dream. It's hard to imagine a dream that was bolder or more audacious than that of Herb Brooks. How on earth could he even fathom that he could mold a bunch of college hockey players into a team that would defeat the mighty Soviets?

Remember, the Soviet team was thought to be invincible. Yet Brooks allowed himself to dream that he could coach a team that would defeat this powerhouse.

You see, many people dream too small and then they can't get excited about the pursuit of the dream. It's the big dream that gets your blood moving and it's the big dream that gets other people excited about joining you in the quest.

People often wonder, "How do I know if I should pursue my dream, or whether it's simply "unrealistic?" Richard Bach said, "You're never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true." So, if your dream is constantly "speaking" to you and there's tremendous emotion attached to the dream, that's a positive sign.

Then again, if you would like to accomplish something but it doesn't send chills down your spine thinking about it, there's a good chance that you're really not energized about that goal and you won't be willing to do what it takes to turn the dream into reality.

* A miracle is not achieved by talent alone. There's a great line in the movie where Coach Brooks tells his players, "You don't have enough talent to win on talent." There was no denying that the Soviet team had more talent than the American youngsters. Brooks knew, however, that the team with the greatest talent doesn't always win.

When selecting the team from the hundreds of college hockey players who tried out, Brooks surprised people when he cut many talented players. Instead, he chose players who did not have as much skill but fit within his unique system and had the psychological makeup he desired.

* A miracle requires creative thinking. Other teams in North America had attempted to defeat the Soviets by playing a "North American style" of hockey. What Brooks realized is that this style of play was not working! In other words, the Soviets were able to win against that strategy time after time.

Brooks determined that he would use a different strategy, abandoning the traditional North American style. He was willing to innovate, to develop a new system that stressed superior conditioning, discipline and speed. He knew it would be challenging for his players to learn and execute... but his willingness to innovate eventually paid off with a gold medal.

* A miracle requires uncommon sacrifice. Nobody said that a miracle comes easily. Herb Brooks warned his players that they would have to be "uncommon" men to defeat the Soviets and win a gold medal. They would have to develop a superior level of conditioning. His practice sessions were excruciating.

The most memorable scene of the movie takes place during one of the exhibition games the team played preparing for the Olympics. The U.S Team had not given a full effort, and when the game ended, Brooks called his already tired players out on the ice and made them skate "sprints" up and down the ice. He wouldn't stop even when the lights in the rink were shut off! His message: if we want to achieve a miracle, we must give it our all in every second of every game.

* A miracle is generally a team effort. When you set out to achieve a miracle, you're fooling yourself if you think you can do it on your own.

Extraordinary achievements require a collection of individuals pulling together for a common goal. Brooks assembled a group that played as a team, with their individual egos in check.

* A miracle is often inspired by adversity. Herb Brooks was an excellent hockey player in his younger days. In 1960, he tried out for the U.S Olympic hockey team and he was the very last person to be cut from the squad. That team went on to win a gold medal.

Can you imagine the disappointment he must have felt as he saw himself lose out on a gold medal as a player? He was motivated by this setback to get that gold medal as a coach.

It's easy to think that miracles are for "other people" - the people we see on TV or read about in the newspaper. And yet a part of us knows that we, too, can perform miracles.

Rekindle your ability to perform extraordinary feats by renting the movie, "Miracle." ( the DVD version includes an interview with Herb Brooks, who tragically died in a car accident before the movie was released.)

I can't say for sure, but I'll bet that whatever you want to achieve is not as monumental as what Herb Brooks set out to do in the 1980 Olympics. Perhaps it's time for you to embark on a bold dream, using your own innovative approach and a willingness to persist through all the obstacles. Then, one day, maybe we'll be watching the movie of YOUR miracle!

Happiness is a side Effect - Darren and Dibba McNees

"It is the paradox of life that the way to miss pleasure is to seek it first. The very first condition of lasting happiness is that a life should be full of purpose, aiming at something outside self." - Hugh Black

Have you ever met someone who said, "I am way too happy, I need a little more sadness in my life"? That kind of statement is much like saying, "I wish there was less oxygen in the air so it wasn't so easy to breath." No, the exact opposite is true. People want more happiness in their life. It isn't possible to have too much.

The answer to the happiness question is as varied as the people who ask it. The exact formula for happiness is different for everyone; however, there are some basic principles that apply to all of us.

"Happiness... leads none of us by the same route." - Charles Caleb Colton

In this Moment we will share 8 points for you to ponder.

1. Happiness and pleasure derived from external sources are highly uncertain, temporary and subject to change.

As an example let's say that your partner comes home one day and gives you a wonderful heartfelt card. Reading it makes you feel happy. That glow can last for several hours even several days. What happens when that is the last card you ever receive from him or her? What happens to your happiness if the very next day he or she comes home and starts yelling at you for no reason?

What about the person who wins the lottery? Surely a windfall of money will increase one's happiness. Ironically, many if not most of these people end up worse off financially after they win than before they won.

Money can't buy happiness. Earning more of it can relieve pressure and give you more opportunities and choices in life, but i can't make you happy.

Expecting to receive happiness from your boss, a raise, a promotion, more money, your children, your spouse, your parents, your friends, the weather, etc. is very risky business. To place your current and future happiness in the hands of others and circumstances is a surefire way to set yourself up for a life of unhappiness. Becoming accountable and taking responsibility for your own happiness gives you the power to experience it.

"When I have been unhappy, I have heard an opera.. and it seemed the shrieking of winds; when I am happy, a sparrow's chirp is delicious to me. But it is not the chirp that makes me happy, but I that make it sweet." - John Ruskin

2. Happiness has more to do with what you give than what you get.

It's the Law of Reciprocity - give and you will receive. Some of the happiest people we know are the most giving. Give whatever you want more of in your life. And the best way to give is to expect nothing in return. Give more love, more kindness, more concern, more money, more forgiveness, more patience and more of your time and happiness is sure to follow.

"Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again - this is the brave and happy life." - J.E Buchrose

3. Happiness is found in doing the things that give your life meaning.

In short, life has more meaning when you believe that you are living your life on purpose and for a purpose.

It's important that you love what you do and do what you love. Your family life and responsibilities, your life's work, hobbies, charitable work and how you spend your free time must all bring a sense of meaning and accomplishment to your life. The kind of happiness this creates isn't necessarily the same feeling you get when you open a present, but rather feeling of fulfillment.

True happiness isn't living the say life; it's living a fulfilling life. Some of the most rewarding experiences in life are also the most challenging. That doesn't mean that you have to become the President of a Fortune 500 company in order to be happy. A friend of ours told us a story about someone that he had met that demonstrates our point.

Our friend Paul met a man who loved his job. This man was a trash collector, a garbage man. He couldn't wait to go to work each day to see what people were throwing away. He also made it a point to take home some of the items that he liked. He loved what he did for a living and couldn't imagine doing anything else.

That's what we're talking about - do what you love and love what you do.

Don't look for happiness - look for an opportunity to make a difference.

"If you pursue happiness you'll never find it." - C.P Snow

One of the quickest ways to make a difference is by helping someone in need. Reach out and touch someone's life with a smile, a kind or encouraging word or by lending a helping hand. It doesn't take much to make a difference.

"in about the same degree as you are helpful, you will be happy." - Karl Reiland

4. Happiness isn't something to be sought after, but rather a byproduct of a life well lived.

"Happiness is not a station to arrive at, but a manner of traveling." - Margaret Lee Runbeck

5. Don't compare yourself with others.

"I just want to be an ordinary girl." - Princess Stephanie of Monaco

So what if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Why let that diminish your happiness? Live your life and let others live theirs. You aren't supposed to be like someone else. You are unique. What others have or don't have, say or don't say, do or don't do, doesn't add to or take away from the fact that you are a unique and fantastic person.

"If we only wanted to be happy it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are." - Charles de Montesquieu

6. Be the best you that you can and never mind what others are doing.

Happiness comes from a healthy self-love.

"Most true happiness comes from one's inner life, from the disposition of the mind and soul. Admittedly, a good inner life is difficult to achieve, especially in these trying times. It takes reflection and contemplation and self-discipline." - E.L. Shirer

The only way to truly be happy with someone else is to first be happy with yourself. This is a very important point to grasp especially within the context of our intimate relationships.

So how do you become happy with yourself? Well, that is where the life-long pursuit of self-discovery and self-growth comes into play.

7.Beware of false happiness.

"False happiness is like false money it passes for a long time as well as the true, and it serves some ordinary occasions; but when it is brought to the touch, we find the lightness and alloy, and feel the loss." - Alexander Pope

This world is full of people who have looked for happiness in fame and fortune, success and achievement, relationships and experiences and have come up empty handed. One reason for this, as mentioned earlier, is misdirection (pursuing something with the goal being happiness) and another is selfishness.

Wanting fame, fortune, success, achievement and relationships for purely selfish reasons will never lead to lasting happiness. And achieving these things at the expense of others is a recipe for unhappiness.

Fame without accountability, fortune without generosity, success without integrity, achievement without priority and relationships without respect - all of these are but an illusion of success and happiness. But in the end, they show themselves to be only hollow counterfeits of the original.

"True happiness... is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose." - Helen Keller

Wanting to better your life isn't wrong, but selfishness is. You can still strive for personal excellence while at the same time making a positive impact in your environment.

8. Happiness shared is happiness gained

"A joy that's shared is a joy made double."

According to Charles de Montesquieu, "False happiness," as mentioned above, "renders men stern and proud, and that happiness is never communicated. True happiness renders kind and sensible, and that happiness is always shared."

Share your happiness and good fortune with others and take joy in their accomplishments as well. When someone tells you good news, be excited for him or her. Applaud when a friend does something great. Praise a child for minor as well as major achievements. Compliment others and always look for people doing things right.

Increasing your happiness may not be as simple as improving your backhand in tennis, but it's something you can govern.

Be thankful in the good times and when in sorrow, know that this too will pass. Every morning gives us the chance to start all over again and every challenge gives us the opportunity to grow.

"Yes, there is Nirvana; it is in leading your sheep to a green pasture, and in putting your child to sleep, and in writing the last line of your poem."

My thoughts

My Understanding of You
From all that you've told me about yourself, this is what i have gathered from our 5 months together and the little bits and pieces that i've pieced together. ( Like a jigsaw puzzle =))

For most of your childhood, times were tough. But it was fun. You had a ball of a time as a kid, and you have deep and great respect for your Mum. Coz u appreciated the amount of effort and energy that it took for her to bring all of you up especially while your Dad was away.

Over the years, because of your loving nature, your kindness, and sometimes not knowing how to stand up for yourself, you have been hurt deeply. Which is why, you fear dishonesty and disloyalty from your friends and especially your loved ones. In a way, the fear became so bad, that you started to alienate people around you because you felt that they might all be wanting something from you or might eventually end up hurting you.

So, it seems like there are a lot of people that you know, and a lot of people that know you. But you've never been able to open up to anyone for fear of being hurt and being betrayed.

And thus, you keep a lot of your thoughts and feelings to yourself. And yet, everyone in this world needs someone that they can talk to, someone that they can trust. Because that is the nature of man kind. And that is where your wife comes in.

I believe, in your times of sadness and unhappiness, she came into your life and showed you love. Showed you that there is at least someone who would hold your hand and tell you that things are going to be alright. That no matter how bad things get, she will be there. That she was probably someone you felt that you could count on for the rest of your life. And for that reason, you fell for her.

Although you probably had other friends at the point when you met her, you were still suspicious of them and felt that they could not connect with you at the level which you needed to connect with them at. You probably felt that she had a deep understanding of who you were. But that was also because you were emotionally hurt at that point of time. So anyone who had come along, who had made the effort to spend time with you, care for you, loved you, showed you that they had no ill intentions would have made the cut.

Because you were also scared and lonely then, you spend a lot more time thinking and reflecting and the greatest fear of all human kind is FEAR of loneliness. And she was there at the right time and right place i guess. You were after all human and needed to have someone to share yourself with, the places that you've been, the things you've done. To give each other support and encouragement, to touch and feel each other. You hated that cold and lonely feeling. And she was there to bring some warmth and take that lousy lonely feeling away.

The Road You've Taken
Over these last couple of years, i feel that you have yet to put all your emotional baggage aside. There is still this great fear inside you. The fear of once again being lonely, not having anyone by your side to see you through life's challenging moments. And therefore, you cling on to the one thing that you know best at this point of time. Which is your wife. Or maybe over the years of being with her, you have truly come to appreciate and love her for the person that she is. And i must say she is a great and wonderful woman.

At the same time, there is a recurring theme that comes up in our past conversations. As i only have your version of the story, i have to take everything with a little pinch of salt. The fact is that, there is still this fear inside you. I remembered you told me once that your wife did leave you for a while while you were dating to see another man. And that fear has been inside you because you fear that she might one day leave you and you will be back to the time where there is no one by your side, no one you can trust, no one to give you love and warmth, no one to hold your hand. And all these are really scary feelings.

Having fear in a relationship might not be a bad thing. It might sometimes bring two people to further cherish what they have and time spent together will be more meaningful and useful rather then time spent arguing and fighting. However, when this fear does not help us, but in fact stops us from doing what our hearts and mind want us to do, that is when it is a bad thing.

The Missing Element
I'm not sure what the missing element is in your marriage. Coz only you have the answer to what is lacking, missing, that causes you to run out and look for LOVE outside. Because judging by the amount of 'i love yous' that fly back and forth between you and your wife, there is still something that these words cannot replace. Something specific that you are looking for.

From what i've seen and understood of you in this short time that we've known each other, i feel that you are no different from other human beings. Please don't take me wrongly. You are a really special and unique person in my heart. Yet, at the same time, you are no different from any man, woman on the street. Because, like any human being, you strive for companionship, you strive to be surrounded by other human beings. But here's the dilemma for you. You want human company, and yet you are afraid that these people might eventually hurt or harm you. And thus, you keep doing this little dance of yours, two steps forward, one step back.

Or maybe your ideas of Love is so grand that no one can match up to them. Maybe too many love novels? That only through death can real love be demonstrated? Truth is, love is just love. There are a lot of things you will do for a loved one. And you just know that there are no limits and boundaries. There is no need for the words to be said. In some ways, the love is unconditional. Filled with warmth, understanding, communication, trust and the most important of all, forgiveness.

What is Love?
How do you know you've fallen in love? You know because you can feel the amount of understanding that goes on between two people. You might not have known each other for a long time, and yet, somehow, you feel that you've known this person all your life. You feel safe with the person. You feel warmth. You feel like all you want to do is take this person into your arms.

Each of us have our ideas of how love should be. No one is right, no one is wrong. Once a long time ago, i told you that i stay faithful and loyal in a relationship because everyday, i find new things to love about the person that i am with. Which is why, i cannot say i love you from day one, neither do i believe in love at first sight. Because, love takes understanding, communication and trust. And all these cannot be built with one simple glance.

Each day when i see you, i find something about you that i didn't notice the day before. And for that simple reason, i love you more and more. But end of the day, to love is a choice. Everyone of us have a choice whether we want to acknowledge that love or not. And how much we want to love. Love also means forgiveness when i feel that you've hurt me either directly or indirectly.

I am no saint. I am no Buddha or i am not GOD. There will be times when i also face emotional turmoil, or i lose my cool. There will be times when i am scared of losing you as well and therefore do not share myself with you.

Where do i fit in?
When i first knew you, you struck me as someone who was searching. Someone who was lost, someone who was reaching out. At the same time, i was reaching out. So i guess it boils down to the word TIMING. You constantly reassured me that you'll be holding my hand no matter what happens and it made me feel so comfortable with you. You also made me believe that you knew that this was what you wanted. That you were sure of US. Because remember, i wrote earlier that the greatest fear anyone has in the world is the fear of loneliness. And as i got to know you more each day, lines of imperfection started to appear. That didn't make me walk away, didn't stop me from loving you more.

Because in my world, love is accepting and loving you for who you are despite your flaws, your imperfections. That there were times when i felt that you hurt me, and yet, i didn't stop loving you despite of that hurt. That's my idea of love and it might be different from you. Many times i have told you that i'll always be around to hold your hand, until the day you no longer want or need me to. But there was always one thing which i knew. That for two people to be together, they must be constantly helping each other grow to become better people. They must understand and accept each other strengths and weaknesses and do their best to complement each other. That there must be a constant vision of where they want to go and who they eventually want to be and how each person can help the other person achieve their dreams.

But more importantly, before a relationship can reach that point, or before a relationship can grow, there must be a BELIEF. As with all things we do in our lives, it all starts out as a belief. Do you believe you would be a horseman? Do you believe you can cook? Do you believe that your mum loves you unconditionally? And do you believe in US? If there is no such believe, then the truth is we are both wasting our time. Because, the it takes two hands to clap. And i can never build this relationship up on my own.


The person i choose to Love
I have always understood that love is never a 50-50 thing. I also believe that love is a feeling which you project for others. What do i mean by that? When you say you love your partner, the image of the person constantly pops up in your mind. When you are faced with a difficulty, the image o the person gives you a little more courage to deal with the problems that you are facing with. That you cherish each moment spent with the person and long for the person when the person is not there. You wish to tell the person even the smallest of things that happened in your day. When you are with the person, you don't have to hear the i love you, to FEEL the understanding, love, patience, care that the person has for you. Sometimes, just looking at you, the person knows what's on your mind or if there is something bugging you. You feel that you are not alone out there. And you know you have someone who really cares about you. You have your own friends whom you enjoy going out with, but you know that no matter where you go, whom you meet or what you do, you'll never feel as deep a love as you have for this person.

Love also comes at a price. If I say i love a person, then there will be things that i have to do that might sometimes inconvenience me. If you have ever read books or novels about love, then the love stories all have their tale to tell. Lovers not being able to get together, lovers having to die eventually. Remember the story of Romeo and Juliet? They believed in their love. Their love didn't come easy. Of course not all love stories are like that.

Why Marriage?
If you ask me if i believe in marriage, the my answer is YES! Do two people who love each other dearly definitely have to get married? Marriage is a commitment with the person that you love. Remember your wedding vows? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death do us part. I suppose when you truly love this person, it is something that you'll believe in and strive to do.

Someone not keeping their part of the vows doesn't mean you don't keep yours. If that is the case, then you are no different from the person that broke it. Don't stoop to someone else's level. Keep your own level and know what it is you want.

People don't keep their marriage vows because many people take the vows lightly. Either that or the person you married in the first place wasn't the person you really truly loved.

What you Told Me...
Remember you told me this afternoon about the 3 women in your life. The wife, the lover and the good friend. I think differently. I believe, that when you love someone, you would want this person to be all three rolled into one. Again, my ideas of love might not be the same as yours.

I believe the man i call my husband will be my best friend, someone that i can share my problems with. Someone that i enjoy going out with. Someone that will open his heart and mind to me. Someone that will be there to share my day with. I will have other male friends, but no one can replace the position of best friend that my husband has. I also believe my husband will be my greatest lover. That our love making session will be unique and even when we're old and aged, my husband will still enjoy tenderly kissing me, while we will still be passionate about each other. I also want to be the best friend my husband has. Sure, no marriage comes without fights and arguments. But we'll always be able to forgive each other because we love each other. We'll always be able to sit down calmly and talk to one another even after we've had the biggest disagreements.

But this sort of thing doesn't come easy. Of course having the right partner helps. And both parties wanting the same things helps as well. Is it possible? Of course it is. Because when you truly love a person, when you truly feel for a person, you would never want to hurt a person, and the feelings of comfort is just amazing. You will find new things to love each day about the person. That you will have no eyes for other people that come your way. Most importantly, you must first believe and trust that person.

My Words to you
No one other than you can make all of it happen. When you are unhappy with your wife, have you sat her down to tell her what you feel, how you feel and how she can help you? Or do you keep it bottled up? But before all that, do you really know what you want? What is it that you want from a relationship/marriage. If it is simply someone to be there with when you go home at night, then any woman will do. But realize that not every relationship works out. What is it that you really want? How do you view your relationship to be? And after you've sorted out your own thoughts, think of what you can do to make the current situation better. Know this as well, that if your partner loves you dearly, the person would put in effort to make it work and make it happen. Unless of course both of you have totally different visions. Then, you have to once again make a choice. Do you think for the rest of your life you can settle for less or do you not?

If you choose not to settle for less, then all great things come at a cost and a price. You need to stand up for what you believe in. And in the process, you might fall down once, twice. But know that there will always be people around for you to reach out to. I promise you, that when you reach out, someone's hand will be there. You are more lucky then anyone that i know. You have a Mum that dotes and love you, 3 children that adore you and hero worship you. =)

If you choose not to rock the boat because you are afraid of confrontations, then you can also choose to be happy. Happy with what you have and who you have. Be contented.

I love you dearly and hope that you will continuously strive for the best. Maybe like your mum? She also hopes you strive for the best and hopes that you will be happy. I also wish that of you. Not that i'm your mum lah =P Anyway, i hope my long long email has helped you in some ways. Like your mum, she'll never let go of your hand when you need her hand. But she also knows when you are a big boy already and need to take certain journeys on your own. I assure you, that i'll always be around too to hold your hand when you need me. That even if we go back to being just friends, i am always just a phone call away. That is my word and my promise to you. For the rest of my life! But if you choose to want to work at us, then you must show me your belief and conviction. And as much as i can be understanding and love you, i must also feel your love. If not, my belief and conviction will also run out one day.