Goodbye 2008.

The year is coming to a close in probably another 1hr 20min time based on my very inaccurate clock. Looking back into the year, i would say there have been many more downs then ups. I wish there was more that i could say about 2008. But on the whole, it has not been a very satisfactory year. Mostly due to some of the choices i've made.
Looking ahead, i am hoping that 2009 will be a better year. And i suppose with anything that is worth the price, there will be a lot of discipline involved. I'm not sad to see 2008 go past. And i should be happy to welcome in 2009. But somehow, i guess i'm feeling a little gloomy coz i'm coughing my lungs out and my nose has decided to run away. Not the best of ways to end the year and welcome the new year. But, oh well... life goes on.....
Not in a mood to blog, but figured i had to write something. Happy New Year you all. Hopefull your year went better and the new year will have more things to look forward to! Cheers

The Day after

Yup. It was a horrid day yesterday. He was acting up and acting childish. Maybe as i feel more and more disheartened, all i want to do is withdraw inwards.
We met today for breakfast. I know he was feeling down. I played the role of the friend perfectly. I listened and i didn't make any comments. Afterwards, he said he didn't want me to ask him so many questions. I sms and replied him that i would play my role perfectly.
But at that point of time, all i could think of was, i suppose all of us have roles to play and perfect in whatever we do. I remember i wrote once that we are all sisters, daughters, mothers, friends, teachers etc. But isn't it pointless for him to not be able to accept me for who i am? That my questions stem out of concern rather then being kaypoh.
But if it makes him happier, that's what i'll do. I keep reminding myself that its for the next 30 days only. But it's easier this way as well i guess. The more he acts up and treats me this way, the more i am fearful and scared of him and withdraw inwards. So i suppose that is the silver lining to the cloud.

Not so favourable day

Today, i noticed he was a little down and grouchy. I really just wanted to cheer him up. Not that i didn't need any cheering up myself. I did too. But as usual, with me, i guess when he is happy, he makes me happy as well. I suppose i have to understand that he is feeling a little down. And not take what he says to heart. But it really is getting more and more painful hanging on.
Sometimes, the words that you say hurt someone whether or not it was intentional. I guess today was one of those days. I bit my tongue and held back the tears. Because i've come to realize that we cannot both be grouchy on the same day. It just doesn't work this way.
The days that i hold dear in my heart are gone. I know i have to accept this. But why is it wrong when i just want to cheer him up and make him happy? Or is it my very presence that is upsetting him? Whatever happens, i wish him happiness.... sighz

戴愛玲-對的人

阿沁-其實還愛你

I still feel the same way. It's been a month...

The week passed

The week on the whole was rather curious. Resigned after a huge fight in office. So started looking for a new job. Went through a whole series of self doubt. Weekend was spent at the races working, and then came Monday all over again. Tuesday is now over. Picked up a one off event to do this Thursday and have been mostly occupied with the event and rehearsals. Have been quite busy bee.
Still haven't stopped thinking about him. But trying to text him less and being less emo and attention seeking. Although at times, i still feel a little down. Especially when i wake up and feel all weird and queer. It's times like that where i wish he was still around to give me a big hug and tell me things will be fine. But i guess, i also need to learn to stand on my own two feet. Other then that, nothing much i guess.

Li Jiu Zhe - Jie Tuo

爱永远都是难题
失去分寸太容易
谁都是凡人不够小心翼翼
有时候忘了珍惜
伤害来的太无意
有时爱太急需要空间呼吸
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
让你哭泣对不起为了爱承受委屈
说过的承诺其实还没忘记
愈是在乎的关系愈是相处不容易
伤害了你我也失去勇气
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
走到感情关键时候却握不住你的手
还能有什么藉口让爱再回头
多少的爱说不出口
就让时间帮我说话
我一个人拼命挣扎
总比两个人一起难过还好吧
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过

What a month

Spent the day job hunting. Finally resigned. Feeling a little down in the dumps and depressed. Looking for a job isn't very hard. But it's brutally painful. Each ad that i go through, i have to ask myself, am i good enough, can i do this, will they want to hire me. And doesn't help that i don't have very relevant skill sets or a degree. Changing jobs has always been hard on my self esteem. This time round hasn't been easier. I suppose i feel the way i do also coz i'm generally a in ward reflective sort of person. For the whole day, i had to stop myself from asking where i went wrong, what didn't i do right, where i could have improved. What i could do better, how i could manage better etc. And i guess the hardest fact is maybe i just wasn't good enough or that i didn't give it my 100%.
All day i've tried to keep my spirits up. But somehow the word FAIL and the term FAILURE features quite persistently. I tell myself that things aren't that bad. That there is a silver lining to every dark cloud. That things can and will get better. I just need to get my mind to believe it. Honestly the mood swings are pretty drastic and volatile. I hate that i'm this way. And i told myself i will give myself up till Monday to snap out of it. Maybe now, i just want to whine. And be depressive.
Walk walk walk. Hit the wall. Walk walk walk. Hit another wall. I just want to walk. I just want things to work out for me for once. That when i get comfy with something or someone, for the thing to last, for that someone to stay on. Tired!

Saturday

Spent the day in front of the computer trying to get work done. That went pretty well. Not everything that i set out to do was accomplished. But at least i started. Which is good for me because i have been saying for the longest of time that i wanted to do it.
Pumped up the bike tyres, checked the chains and gears, dug out my cycling shoes and wanted to do a short ride to see if i could possibility join joyriders tomorrow morning after a long lay off. Wasn't planning on going very far, distance wise. Just really wanted to get a feel of the bike, more importantly, starting and stopping at lights. Conclusion, back to ground zero. Other then the fact that my knee hurts like hell which never happened the first time i rode. Bike position? Bike fit?
Anyway, went to cut my hair after that. I guess i just needed a new perspective and what better way to achieve it than to start with the top. The head. Haha... Will post pictures subsequently. I think hair cutting is therpeutic. Just as the hair dresser was snipping off the hair, it felt like nothing in the world was worth shedding a tear for. Was a little apprehensive initially. After all, my hair takes forever to grow, and it took ages for it to reach this length. And snip snip snip, it was all gone. Interesting thing was for a while now, i always refused to get my hair cut. A trim was fine. But not a cut. Coz i keep thinking of how much time and effort it took for the hair to grow to this length. But, as the hair dresser cut the hair off, i felt a sense of peace and freedom. Ok. I know i am exaggerating. But for a moment, truly that was how i felt. More like i really didn't give a damn anymore.
Conclusion is, i like my new short bob hair cut. Makes my face look a little plump, but all the more incentive to lose some weight. Hair grows. The short hair gives me a fresher look, makes me look more energetic and lively. Helps during training, dries faster after a wash. All the positive traits to having shorter hair. Sure, i'll probably be less attractive to the men out there who like women in long hair. But then again, someone's bound to appreciate a lively, energetic short haired girl right? Anyway, not looking at the moment. I guess if it happens, it happens. I'm a little jaded and cynical about relationships at the moment.
Plus, the flame has not died out for the last guy. Although i constantly remind myself that it's for the better, he'll be happier and i guess love is not about possessing. I've always believed in true love. Unconditional love. I really wish that he'll be happier. And the choice is not mine to make. I do try to think happy thoughts for him. Of course, i do fall back sometimes. But i'm human after all. Now i remember why i always cut my hair when i was in school. Haha...
All ready for my ride tomorrow except knee hurts like hell. Damn

Just another day

Braved the rain to come home last night from office. Was so damn tired after the training, plus so many people that i had to meet, brain was on overdrive. Really just wanted to hit home, shower and sleep. Reached home about 9pm. Was seriously exhausted. I guess other then training, my body was probably telling me that it was exhausted. Not my fault really. I go to bed early, just can't sleep. So toss and turn, toss and turn all night long. Finally, fall asleep, and within a short while, i'm up again. Well, i suppose this is always the case when my mind is in overdrive. Anyway, didn't even have dinner. No wonder i generally lose weight when i train. Lack of appetite. Plus the lack of sleep the last couple of days. Not even sure how the hours pass.
Ok. Anyway, woke up mighty early, wanted to bike out. But it was raining. And judging from my lack of sleep, exhausted body, i figured i wasn't going to brave the rain another time. Too risky. Wanted to see if i could catch a glimpse of someone. But felt that it would only make matters worse. So decided to go back to bed and sleep again. On off on off. Finally woke up about 8am. Felt like i haven't slept a wink the whole nite though. Damn
Today was alright. Met up with Guardian for a while, bought him lunch. His birthday is just round the corner. Seeing him today made me extremely certain about my feelings for him. Nope. Good news people. I honestly still care lots about him, and the level of understanding and comfort is still high. Just that i don't have the overwhelming love for him anymore. This leads us to the next question.
Throughout our lunch together, i kept thinking of someone else. Sigh. And as lunch wore on, i asked myself if i was certain about the thoughts in my mind. Have been thinking about it for a couple of days now. And i think i am. Now i just need to find the opportunity to broach on it.
Only highlight for the day was that we finally did manage to chat a little. Albeit really short conversations, it meant a great deal to me. But then again, i've been very emotional and high strung lately. Anything remotely positive that happens means a hell of a lot. I do tell myself to keep my spirits up. But honestly, all i want to do is collapse in someone's arms and for the person to tell me that things WILL get better.

First training in a long while

Haven't done any decent training since Port Dickson which was in July. Faintz!
Shoulder aching like crazy after doing my first decent swim in a long while. Ouch!
Did 300 warm up, 1500 swim, 200 cool down. Only clocked the 1500 swim. Did it in a miserable time of 39min 46s. Which means i've lost 6 minutes from Port Dickson till now. Sighz... Nothing comes easy i guess.
It was a tough session but i'm glad i did it still. Funny how i kept contemplating giving up. At 10 laps, at 15, at 20. I suppose why it was tough was basically i couldn't find the rhythm. Breathing was off. And only started to smooth out by the time i was on my 22 lap. But, only for 4 laps before i started to feel the pain in my elbows and left knee. All in all a pretty lousy session. But i'm sure a couple more long swims will put me back in the game. So game plan is, a couple more long swims before i start doing sets. It's back to basics for me. Now really worried about the long bike ride that agreed to go on. Not sure with no fitness and all whether i will be able to cover 90+km of bike ride. Better start riding seriously this week too. The tyres are soft as it is, bike is dust covered.
Hmm... that leaves the run. Super reluctant to start running. Foot hurts since the last time i went to the gym. Knee hurts from swimming. Generally no inclination to run. Plus, mentally, i haven't gotten past the horrible experience of sundown and PD. 4km was as far as my legs would take me till date.
But i suppose since 70.3 is 5 months away, its about time i started training. grinz

On a random note, he asked that things be over. But somehow, maybe coz i really put in my heart into making us work, it still hurts a big deal. Not a minute go by that i don't wish that we could get back together. That somehow, he can look past whatever is holding him back to see the good that i have to offer. Seriously, all i have ever wanted was to help him and for both of us to grow. But i suppose what i emailed him is true. Better us be apart and him be happy then for us to be together and him be miserable. I suppose i really believed that he would hold my hand for life when he said those words to me. And maybe i really wanted to believe it. Naive? Or just wanting to believe whatever i wanted to believe? I'm not sure too... Maybe i'm the only soul in this world that doesn't let love die overnight? Or maybe it just has been dying and i was too in love to realize it. Oh well, i'm trying hard to be strong and to love myself. Maybe i'm just not cut out to be in a relationship, to be loved? Or maybe, i have a huge character flaw that i really need to work on. Sighz

Haven't blogged in a while

It's been a while since i last blogged. I guess it could be due to a variety of reasons, the key being there was nothing new to blog about. It was the same issues popping up over and over again. Break up, patch back, say want to put in effort work things out, one week later, same problem in a different variation pops up. And i was tired. Didn't have strength to blog. Didn't have the heart to blog.
But it really is over. For good i must say. i don't blame him honestly. Just bad judgement of character on my part. I might miss him, but end of the day, i guess life goes on. There are still a million and one things i have yet to do.. need to get off my ass, stop whining, moaning, doubting myself and carry on! Yeah!

I am tired

I think this sums up all that is going through my mind and my thoughts. My feelings, my emotions. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of trying to make things work. I am tired that i'm constantly wrong while you're always right. I'm tired coz even when it's not my fault, i have to pacify you and please you. Please, i am tired!

Another week that passed

Another week has passed. And it was a week that went by like a whirlwind. I really have no idea how i feel or how to feel. Everything seems like it's in a mess now. Funnily, i am so unsure of what to feel that i'm swinging back and forth between the two extremes. In fact, i wanted to feelings to sink in before blogging. But Saturday went by in a blur, so did Sunday. And today, i am still unsure of my own feelings. I guess it's generally quite sad when you can't even place a finger on what is right and what is wrong.
The last two nights, i have willed myself to sleep. But sleep doesn't come easy. I think maybe also because at times, my mind is on overdrive. Sometimes, i feel overwhelming sadness. Others, i question myself just what exactly did i do wrong. Where did i go wrong. It's been a while since i felt this way. When Guardian left, i struggled with this. I remember others telling me that i didn't do anything wrong. That in a relationship, there will be times where it doesn't work out. That it takes two hands to clap. And i shouldn't take it so personally and so hard. That the relationship ending does not make me a lesser person than i was. That a relationship ending doesn't mean that i wasn't good enough or i didn't do enough. It just meant that things weren't meant to work out.
I don't believe i ever recovered from things between Guardian and I. Yes, over the years, i've taken little steps to move on. But somehow, i lost myself when i was with him. I lost myself as a person. Lost my personal self respect. I asked myself what could have changed and even i am not sure. But i know that over the years, i have slowly recovered a little bit with each passing year and with the dulling of the pain.
Over the weekend, i asked myself if i was silly to have started this whole relationship? To have taken the step forward. And it scares me that i'm beginning to lose myself. To lose the little that i've built up. I still love him. In fact, i would say, i love him almost as much as i loved Guardian despite the short length of time we've been together. And it's hardest to know that the trust between us has been betrayed. That maybe there was nothing there to start off with. When i was really young, and i was in school, i remembered the song about the wise man and the foolish. The wise man built his house upon the rock, the wise man built his house upon the rock the wise man built his house upon the rock and the rain started falling down. The rain came down and the floods came up, the rain came down and the floods came up. The rain came down and the floods came up, and the house on the rock stood still. The foolish man built his house upon the sand, the foolish man built his house upon the sand. The foolish man built his house upon the sand, and the rain kept falling down. The rain came down and the floods came up, the rain came down and the floods came up. The rain came down and the floods came up, and the house on the sand fell down.
Bottom line is this. Every relationship needs a strong foundation. In fact, everything you do in life needs a strong foundation. I suppose i was very much like the foolish man who built his house upon the sand. It's sad really. That i learnt this when i was younger then 10. And i have to relearn this through the hard way when i'm 2 decades older.
Sounds really logical, rational. I guess that's the calm part of me talking. The irrational and emotional side wants to rant out, wail out and ask him and the whole bloody world, WHY? What went wrong. Why do human beings betray each other? How came you claim that you love me one day and not the next? Why tell me you want an honest and open relationshp when you choose concsiously to lie to me when faced with a decidedly difficult situation. What does it say about you? On the flipside, what does it say about my judgement of a person? How can i be with different people and erred so many times in my judgement. Sighz
The emotional part of me wants to run away. Was at the airport last night. I wished i could have just boarded the next flight out of Singapore and ran as far away as possible. But i suppose i've done that often enough to know that at some point of time i would have to return back to Singapore. At some point of time, i still have to face reality. But it hurts. It hurts like hell. I'm in pain and the hardest part is, i have to pretend that none of this affects me. Because it'll be damn hard to explain to the folks back home and friends around me just why am i so upset. Or who i am dating.
He made a statement that resontated with me yesterday. He asked, aren't you tired? I am asking myself, do i try again because i love him and still feel a lot for him, or do i give up because truth is i really am tired.
I feel like i've done everything that i can. Tried everything. And yet, you cannot imagine the pain of it all to find out that you've been lied to. That the man that you look at all the time, and think only wonderful and beautiful things about him, crept right in front of you, and stabbed you in the chest. And you let him, because even when you saw the knife, you wanted to believe that he would never harm you coz he was that one person that you trusted. Tired.. Blog again later.

The weekend and some feelings

It's been a while since i actually blogged about how i felt. The weekend went by pretty well. Maybe coz it was packed with activities. There was Chris's and Jen's big day that took quite a bit out of everyone. Not so much the actual wedding itself but rather the people that once again flew in from all over to attend the wedding. Lester, Jos, Hansen were all here. Couple of others. And we took as a gathering once again and had a ball of a time. It was great. So we all attended the wedding. My table had Yan Bin, Maurice, Sharon, Josephine, Yuan Hwa, Wen Biao, Guang Wen, Qing Biao and myself. Then other familiar faces were Lawerence and Elaine, Pic and Jamie, Zhang Yang and Kang Kang, Terence and Lorraine, Jovester and wife, laurence, Garfield, Bert, Kevin Yew. Whole lot of familiar faces. It was sure fun catching up and hanging out and chilling. It's been a while since we saw so many people all on the same day. But it was a very beautiful affair at the Fullerton Hotel.
Went out shopping for a while with the people who stayed on. Jos, Lester and Kevin. The rest like Annette and Hansen had left this morning. Then went for dinner at this Philippines restaurant. Which was really hilarious coz Jos said the next time we go to Philippines, she'll bring us for Singapore food. Ha... Dinner was a small group. Maurice, Jos, Jamie, Yan Bin, Lester, Kevin Yew, Denmark Kevin, Pic, myself. Great dinner. Missed those awesome meals we had in Philippines. Yum yum. Then went to do a little shopping. Splurged a little on myself. But i guess it was all worth it. =)
On the romantic front, things between us are going so well. I can sort of feel him pulling away for a while now. And i am actually pretty tired of trying to pull us together and trying to make things work between us. And it hurts me a little to know that he has been chatting up other women online and making rather suggestive statements to them. I guess i ponder about what i am to him and whether he is just seriously bored and sick of our relationship. I guess our whole relationship hasn't been easy. For me more then for him. And at this point of time, i guess the word to sum up how i feel is probably a sense of disappointment. Not sure what else to say about us. Haven't known what to say for the last 2 months. I guess the only reason why we haven't already ended things was because i held on tightly for the both of us. But now with this new turn of events, i cannot help but wonder if the increased suspicion is because there are other women outside that he has to entertain and therefore explain for the decrease in amount of time spent with me. Honestly, i'm tired of always having been the one to hold to relationships that are slipping. Maybe i ought to just let go and give up. =(
Oh well, nothing much more to update other then the fact that i'm growing FAT FAT FAT!

Life and How to Survive It

Adrian Tan is a litigation lawyer at one of Singapore's top law firms. This is his speech at NTU's convocation ceremony this year.

Life and How to Survive It

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you've already won her heart, you don't need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You're done learning.

You've probably been told the big lie that 'Learning is a lifelong process' and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters' degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don't you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they're wrong.

The bad news is that you don't need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You're in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I'm here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you'll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they're 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn't meet their life expectancy.

I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term 'Karoshi', which means death from overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There's a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are 'making a living'. No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan 'Arbeit macht frei' was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn't do that, I would've been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don't imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I'll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don't, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I'm not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say 'be loved'. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You're going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there's no life expectancy.

The Inner Work of Creating Positive Change (Part 2) - Shelley Stile

Awareness, as mentioned is of utmost concern when effecting change. When we are living our lives in a state of true awareness wherein we are truly conscious of our actions, we can free ourselves from reactive, self-defeating behavior and realize our personal best.

Unfortunately, although we may think that we make conscious decisions, in reality our unconscious mind often impacts our behavior and when it does our actions are not truly under our control. We can learn to recognize the unconscious, that part of our mind that has great power over much of our actions without us even being aware of its existence. In doing so, we can diminish its power over us.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself?

As an example, try simply noticing that voice inside your head that gets very chatty whenever you are about to make a decision, especially an important one that could result in change. Is it telling you that you're nuts to consider what you are thinking of doing? Does it say that you failed once before and will probably do so again?

We fail to understand that the voice is out to sabotage us. Just by noticing it you will realize that this inner saboteur is at work. In the act of noticing you begin to empower yourself to make truly conscious decisions that will result in positive and lasting changes in your life.

Reactive Versus Proactive

I have mentioned how changing reactive, self-defeating behavior is key to realizing our personal best. What is reactive behavior versus proactive behavior? When you are reacting to life and its circumstances you are on the defensive. You are not in control. Life's circumstances are dictating your behavior and actions versus your being proactive and in control of your actions.

There is a good chance that you are being activated unconsciously as well. Example: Your boss gives you what you consider to be a harsh criticism of your latest report. Your adrenaline rushes and a wave of angry indignation rolls over you. In that emotional state, you are unable to actually hear what he or she has to say because you are already defending yourself. Your response to him is defensive and somewhat irrational.

You cannot control what he/she had to say but you can control how you handle yourself. Therein lies the key to non-reactive behavior: your ability to handle situations in ways that prove productive versus destructive. Stop and think. Pause. Get your heart rate back to the normal range.

Without taking anything personally, was there anything in what he had to say that had merit? Is there some sort of deep learning to be had, either from him or you? Could the perceived harshness perhaps have been amplified by your defensiveness?

Being proactive means that as human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen.

~The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey

Do Your Meanings Serve You?

Life will always be throwing things our way, much of it unpleasant and challenging. That's life. We cannot control life but we can control how we handle it. If we are really aware and in tune with what is happening, we can learn not to add meaning to reality where there is no additional meaning needed.

For example, in the above incident, you may have reacted because you assumed your boss thought you were in the wrong and therefore not up to snuff. But that was just what you thought he meant.

What you think he meant and what he said are often two very different entities. Perhaps all he meant was that your work could have been better and he wanted to steer you in the right direction.

Leave Your Past Behind

Often, adding meaning where there is none harkens back to childhood. Your father was always highly critical and you came to believe that this meant that you were a loser and wouldn't amount to anything. That is the type of meaning a child creates in response to an unpleasant situation.

What really happened is that you had a highly critical father. Period. The most unfortunate part is that this type of reaction to criticism will often be carried into adult hood and anytime criticism is leveled at you, you respond with your childhood reaction: I am a loser. The ability to control reactive behavior and see things for just what they are can make a world of difference in your life.

Finally, a word about perspective or attitude. How we view the world or any given situation will dictate our effectiveness and our state of mind. Change your attitude and you not only change the way you see things, you will change your reality. If you approach your work/life as being tough, that perspective will trickle down into everything you do. Try a new perspective on, one that will work in accordance with your goals and desires.

Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

~William James
US Pragmatist philosopher & psychologist

The Inner Work of Creating Positive Change

Inner work means that we are laying the foundation for a mindset that allows us to make lasting changes that will create a more meaningful, productive and happy life. Once the inner work is done, the outer changes will compound like bank interest. Your authenticity will shine and people will be drawn to this new you.

You will view everything that happens as an opportunity for growth and grow and change you will. The work you do and its subsequent benefits will spread into all areas of your life, not just the ones that you may have originally pinpointed. The vision you held of the will become your reality now.

The Inner Work of Creating Positive Change (Part 1) - Shelley Stile

Contrary to a widely held belief that people do not change, I submit to you that people do change and often in dramatic, life-altering ways. I say this with full confidence as I have witnessed it happen time and time again. Creating positive change in your life is totally possible. You can change yourself and thereby your life.

When you are fully committed to making changes in your life, it will happen. That commitment, based on a deep desire for growth, is half the journey. Once you have made that choice, one made with total awareness and a honesty of your present reality, you are free to move forward towards a better or even new you.

The one constant in this universe is change. Everything that exists is in a state of change. Ask any quantum physicist. As part of the universe, we are part of that cycle of change. The experiences you have today will impact you in such a way that you will awaken tomorrow changed in some way. Once you have hit your forties or fifties, the kid you were in your twenties is pretty much gone and a wiser you is standing.

Change is desired on a number of levels. In business we might be looking to be a more effective leader or manager in order to increase productivity. That might entail changing how we deal with people by improving our motivation and communication skills. Change might mean a new career, lifestyle or relationship. It might mean building more confidence and self-esteem or learning how to be less aggressive.

Inner Change To Create Outer Change

Change involves inner work before the outer work can begin. That is always the case. As Albert Einstein said; 'The significant problems we face cannot be solved on the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.' Steven Covey, in his critically acclaimed book; 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People', stresses the concept of inner work before outer work or change:

The inside-out approach to change means to start first with self; even more fundamental, to start with the most inside part of self - with your paradigms, your character and your motives.

So, if change is to happen and if it is to last, we need to acknowledge that we must take a look at who we are now and who we want to be in the future. We will have to be honest with ourselves and recognize reality as it exists and not as we think it should or could be.

Take Responsibility for Change

We need to develop a high level of awareness and clarity about everything that we do as all too often, our subconscious tends to run the show and not us. Most importantly, we need to take full responsibility for our lives and not place the blame elsewhere. That also involves giving up the need to control things; except of course, yourself. Until you are willing to do this kind of work, change will not occur, at least not enduring change.

Where are you feeling dissatisfied? Where are you noticing dissonance in your life? Where are you feeling stuck? Identify the issues. Now, recognize exactly where you are and then consider where you would like to be in the future if everything were running smoothly?

If for instance, your sales team is not performing up to budget and you are having a difficult time motivating them towards success, consider what a sales team that is highly motivated and successful would look like. Consider what your role would be in achieving that goal? Who would you be? How would you function? How would you feel? The gap between where you are now and where you want to be is where the work will be done.

In Life Coaching we find that your ability to succeed at your job is highly dependent on whether your values and passions are in alignment with your job and it's requirements. After some serious inquiry, you might discover the things that are called for in motivating your sales team. Say it will consist of more patience, more enthusiasm, more nurturing and more of a team atmosphere. Are these the kind of things that hold value for you? If not, you will be unable to be effective.

Do the important inner work of discovering who you are now, what matters to you, what you are passionate about and what you place value on. Are these things showing up for you in your everyday life? If not, there is sure to be dissonance.

If being successful in your work is of great value to you then what are you willing to do and not to do in order to be a success? Are you willing to make the necessary changes in how you are being? Are you willing to try something different? Are the things you need to do aligned with your values and passions? What are you willing to say yes to and even more important, what are you willing to say no to?

5 Steps to Derail Difficult People - Frank Lunn

That one guy at work that always has to be right; your buddy's wife who can't eat anywhere they serve burgers, or the monster-in-law, I mean mother-in-law, with too many opinions for your own good, difficult people, we all know them. So the question is, is there a right and a wrong way to deal with them? The answer is yes, if you want to avoid unnecessary confrontations.

First, keep in mind that it is very unlikely you will ever change the other person, so dealing with their difficult personality won't be just a one time incident, but an every time skill. Don't sit back saying nothing until you absolutely can't take it one more second. Your pent up frustration will only result in a catastrophic blowout. The best approach is to confront and handle the situation as it occurs. Just practice these 5 steps.

1. Decide what the exact problem is and face them alone and in person to discuss it.

Keep your posture open and inviting, avoiding crossed arms or negative facial expressions.

2. Have a clear outcome in mind and strive continuously throughout the confrontation to reach it.

May be as simple as getting the other person to listen to your viewpoint.

3. Organize your thoughts before you meet.

Think of supporting arguments, specific instances, and any documents to build a solid case and avoid generalities.

4. Keep calm in your body language and tone of voice, but stand your ground.

Remind yourself that this is a situation you are dealing with, so don't turn it into a personal attack.

5. Listen to what the other person is saying and show them that you are taking their feelings into consideration, and then get them to do the same.

Show them you are listening by keeping eye contact and repeating back what they have said in your rebuttal. Kindness, calm and rationality are your tools for getting them to do the same.

Most importantly, keep communicating! The more you practice these five steps, the easier confronting difficult people and situations will become. Taking the cool, calm and kind approach to handling the situation will throw them off guard leaving the door open for you to take control. Just as you must plan for success in all other areas, you must also plan in order to successfully derail the difficult people in your life.

The Toddler's Guide to Perseverance - Maria E. Andreu

My two-year-old daughter asks me for ice cream about one hundred times a day. You think I'm exaggerating for effect, but I am really not. She stars when she first gets up in the morning, requesting it as her breakfast. (I say no). She asks mid-morning, several times. She asks for it as an appetizer to her lunch, asks for it when m mother is caring for her (I'm blissfully not privy to that, as I am in the world of grown-ups, coaching!), asks at snack, dinner, and about 70 other times during the day. Sometimes she employs tactics of terror, kicking and screaming until our very nerves tremble. Sometimes she flashes the sweetest smile.

And of the hundred times she asks per day (I made it a nice round number, but I suspect it's probably higher than that) she gets ice cream maybe once every two or three days. Sometimes she wears me down once a day for a few days. Now, before you start thinking this is an article on parenting techniques (as in, what NOT to do), I''m actually using this headstrong toddler as an example. An example of what To do. Yes, an example for even you to follow.

Because what is her success rate? On a good day, it is one percent. ONE PERCENT. She FAILS 99 percent of the time. She tries a variety of approaches, and finds that 99 times out of 100, they do not work. And yet, she gets a bit of what she wants just about every day.

Why? Let's examine. First, she makes it very clear what she wants. She tells me color, flavor, in detail, in her request. She starts early in the morning and doesn't let up until night time. She actually hits up her father more that she does me, knowing he's more of a softy, so she knows the proper venue for her request.

Lesson to be learned: Be REALLY clear on what you want. It's hard to expect the world to give you what you're looking for if you don't quite know what it is. Define the color and flavor of what you want.

Second, failure is not any kind of deterrent for her. She is the embodiment of the old adage, " 'NO' just means try again later." She puts no negative spin to herself for the 99 times she fails to get what she wants. She doesn't say to herself, "Oh, I've failed. Maybe I'm not meant to have ice cream. Maybe I should just learn to like this broccoli stuff. Why -oh why- do I never get what I want?" She just asks time number 83. And 84. And 85...

Lesson: Failure simply means TRY AGAIN. It does not mean anything about you, that you are not worthy or not special or not meant to have what you want. You just have to keep trying.

Third, she learns from her mistakes. I notice she's refined her request time to times when she considers me most vulnerable. She gets me when I'm tired or otherwise occupied, or when there is someone else around and I'm not as likely to stand firm.

Lesson: Learn from your failures. You'll eventually be able to cut them down if you learn what NOT to do.

Fourth, she's flexible. At times when she sees I'm steadfast in my refusal to provide her drug of choice (ice cream, before you go off to summon the proper authorities), she starts to negotiate for an alternative. Lollipop? Gum? Chocolate? Raisin? She usually gets me with the raisin.

Lesson: Be flexible! Maybe you can't get EXACTLY what you want, but you can get an approximation. Ask for raisins!

Fifth, she eats like a pro. She eats broccoli, seafood, any crazy health food I decide to feed her. It makes me more likely to give her icecream when I see she's "paid her dues" and eaten all the good stuff I want her to.

Lesson: Pay your dues. Life rewards the hardworking and the diligent. Eat your broccoli and you're more likely to get the ice cream.

Lastly, she loses with a big smile. Sometimes it turns into a joke and we laugh. So even when I "win" (and I don't really suspect I ever truly do), we stay friends and go on to negotiate another day.

Lesson: Take Life's bumps with a smile. You never know when life is just two requests away from giving you a great big ice cream cone.

Well, there you have it, the toddler's philosophy to perseverance. Before you laugh and dismiss this as the ramblings of a proud mom (guilty as charged!), take a moment to reflect on how much more successful we would all be if we faced life's challenges with the aplomb of little children. Sure, they drop on the floor and wail when they don't get their way (and just imagine how cathartic THAT would be if you could do that at your next meeting!) but they get right back up and try again, unafraid and unstoppable. A pretty good way to approach life, wouldn't you say?