Tidbits (part 2)

Had a great time partying with her last night. As always, out sessions out are beautiful and enjoyable. But i guess as with all times now she is attached, they will somehow end up fighting. Sighz. As usual, sent her home, saw her boyfriend throwing up outside her place. And i guess its times like this where i wonder whether i'm being silly about this tidbit issue. Had 2 other girlfriends join me last night. Sometimes, i really wonder about what is going through their minds at that precise moment. Funny motley group of woman, hanging out together and partying. Interesting.
Chaplin mentioned Superman's wedding last night. Said something to the effect that he doesn't want Superman to get married coz then he will most likely lose his closest Singapore friend. Its funny how that thought has gone through my mind before. But i guess i know its a natural process in life and therefore, i guess i don't feel so bad about it. Plus coz maybe his my big brother, i feel happy for him. I know that things will change after he gets married, less partying and probably less time to chat with me but i guess sometimes, its really times like this where i'll say, don't brood about it. Just enjoy the moment and the company for now.
I had a chat with a friend a couple of nights ago. It was a chat about married man. I would very much like to ask what the attraction is about married man. So many friends around me seem to be dating married man. But i guess then again, love blinds us. And more importantly, love is something that is not comprehensible. I would have loved to have taken the moral highground and ask my friend to walk away. But then again, that would be vastly hypocritical...
Guardian's bday was on Tuesday. And he wanted to see me that very day. He actually took off for the day. But i was busy with training and didn't have the time to go meet him. Not to mention i had a date that night. And i wonder whether it is good or bad, but somehow, this person that i had a date with has sort of over taken him in the rankings of importance. I mean, guardian will forever be important to me. There is so much that we;ve shared over the past 9 years. Almost 10 years now. And for that, i will always treasure him. But i guess what i said to him holds true. That i really need to move on in my life. That maybe i'm a selfish girl, that now that he is happily married and all, its time i found my own love and start dating again. What Superman said once before is true. I'm only 26 and ot 46. Would i really want to be the mistress of this guy at such a young age?
Not that being in love with this new person makes me happier i guess. He is a far cry from giving in to me and adoring me the way Guardian adores me and cherishes me. Its like he's married as well. Only this time to his work. And he even has a mistress. And that too is his work. I feel like i'm in contention all the time with people and their married halves. Anyway, i really have been thinking about this guy and i. Somehow, i guess its crystal clear. Just need time to accept the facts.. and once again, move on.
Guardian is in one of his moods again. He smsed me to say maybe we shouldn't meet up for some time. I guess by now, i am immue to such messages and have learnt over the years to take it in my stride. Not that it doesn't get me upset, but i guess, somehow, the timings of things is always such. I messaged him back to say i know you are going through your funny moods again, and i've always respected your decision. When you're ready to meet again and if i am still single, you know where to find me. I guess one of the reasons why i've never changed my hp no. all these years is coz i just want him to be able to find me when he wants to.
Frankly speaking, if Guardian and i had gotten together, i think i will be a very different girl. Then agian, while we were together, i was so different. Cannot imagine myself as a Yes woman. But in that aspect, i was every bit a yes woman with him. And it didn't work out. At the end of the day, he said how come i have no suggestions, how come i don't have my point of view. How come i give in all the time. Its tough being in a relationship. And with each relationship, the dynamics change and once again, you are left wondering how come what worked for the past relationship doesn't seem to be working for this current one, or how come when i did something like this in my last relationship, this failed and now i'm never doing it again, it seems to be the core problem in our relationship...
For a while, i always felt like i was a kite and Guardian held on to the strings. There would be times when i feel like i'm all ready to fly off, high up into the sky, to look for new avenues, and it is this time where he would tug the string and send me back to the ground. And of course offer me some TIDBITS and i'll be hooked for a period of time again. I guess it has to do with the fact that he knows as long as there is a glimmer of hope, i will never walk away. But he has failed to see that it is no longer that glimmer of hope that i look for. I know for a fact that i will never cheat on my partner. And saying that, i know that the two of us are not meant to be. Even if he leaves her right now, i will only stand as a buffer, before he goes off to seek for a new relationship, and all.
I've at some point of time wanted to be with Guardian, loved and adored him. I would want to do things for him, so that his life would be made easier. There was nothing much that i couldn't learn. And i did it anyway. I wanted to take care of him, and yet, to do so, he had to take care of the baby inside me. And i didn't mind doing stuff and letting him have the credit for it, just so that he would be happy. Is it too much to ask that the person values your presence and your presence brings a smile to his face? And that was all i asked from Guardian. Oh yeah, i guess the cuddlings, the sex and the kisses were important. I guess its the whole feeling of being in love.
For so long, i've been so used to being in a relationship where the guy hands me a tidbit and then is a jerk for the next 9 incidents, and then uses this same cycle to [play with me. And i guess since i'm such a simpleton, i just let it be. But i guess sometimes, at the back of my head, i wonder how it would be to have a guy treat me nice 9 times, and be a jerk once. Cow was like that, but then again, it was merely a challenge to him. And it helped that he had leverage.
A thought dwells deep in my head. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, i just want to be happy. And happiness can come in many forms. I am not sure how this relationship with this man will be. Just like i don;t know how many more years Guardian and i will drag on this thing that we are in. I seem to be in a maze, without ever finding the way out. Ouch...

Tidbits

Have you ever wondered why people enjoy snacking on tidbits? Is the convenience of it? Or is it the fact that it is a treat on top of the 3 meals that we take all day. Or maybe, coz we are not meant to be snacking and that's why a tidbit is special...
Well whatever the case, i must learn to figure this one out. I was fed a tidbit today. Not breakfast, not lunch, not dinner, not even supper. It was a tidbit.
I felt that it was over. i wanted to call it quits, and he fed me a tidbit. And now, i am hooked again. I think if i was a fish in the water, i would be a rather dead fish. I would always be caught by the hook coz i think i am perpetually greedy.
It was a nice gesture on his part to call and talk things out before he left. But then again, it could be largely due to the fact that i was flooding his sms. Well, whatever the case is, i need to sort out this issue of mine soon. It ain't too healthy and i guess, it being not too healthy is not very good.
TBC

It's over

After all this time, after all the past deadlines, after all the million and one excuses. I think i've finally seen the light. Maybe its what someone said to me today. That, you are at the start of your life, at the start of your career. Are you sure you will be able to see eye to eye with a man at the peak of his career? Or even someone who might even possibly be hitting the downhill curve of his career. Will you be contented just living off his money and letting him feed you? Knowing that at any one point, he might leave you for someone younger, someone who in 10 years time, can give him the same feelng that you might possibly be giving him?
What is the difference between liking a friend extremely much and loving a person for all the good and all the bad that he is. Well, i spent the afternoon defending my position. Oh, i know he will never stop me from achieving the things i need to achieve in life. In fact, he has been supportive all this while in my old job. I enjoy the intellectual tennis that we play. There is no guarantee that he will not leave even if he is of the same age. Age is not an issue. Its what i feel for him that ultimately counts. And of course this person said, well, when you are in love, all is clouded. You cannot see past his beauty. In fact, all you see is his beautiful parts. There are no flaws. You disagree all the time even now when you are not even dating. When you start? What happens? Are you going to stop talking altogether to avoid disagreeing? And how would you feel if you were to live under the same roof as someone and see the person everyday and not talk to the person.
The one statement that hit the nail on the spot was, if one person tell you something, and you don't agree, you can still stick to your guns. But if 10, 20 people tell you the same thing, then isn't it time to look past the surface, so that you do not eventually get hurt?
It was meant to be a simple dinner, a chill out session. The dinner and heat pack was an excuse to see him. The card was an excuse to share with this one special person exactly how i felt. It didn't matter that i left the heat pack i bought for him at home in a rush to make it for work on time this morning. The nearest pharmacy had a steady supply of heat pack. What did it matter that i already have 3 of it at home? What was more important was that he got his heat pack, so that when the knee or leg starts aching up again, he could simply throw it into the microwave and give himself some momentarily comfort.
I wanted desperately for him to ask me out. I wanted to be able to look back at it all and said, hey, i wasn't all that bad. He also enjoyed my company somehow. But it was close to 6pm, and he had not called or smsed. Finally, coz i did not know whether we were still meeting, although he mentioned it in passing yesterday, i caved. I smsed him to ask him if we were still meeting. Finally he replied, to say yeah, 8 plus. Nothing new i guess. after all, dinners with him were always that late. Left office at 7pm, but decided it was pointless to go home, so thought i'll run to buy him his heat pack since we were finally meeting, and then write him the sweet card that i bought for him.
I waited patiently for his reply. For his call that he said would be forthcoming. For the sms that said he was ready to meet. For days, i've wanted to bring him to this place where they sold fabulous salad udon. (for the record, this was my opinion) That's what he liked to eat, or so my lack of observational skills were put into test. Anyway, the call finally came after 8.30, saying that he would end at 9ish, and we would go to sushi tei for dinner. He made a pretty valid point anyway. By the time he got out of work, and hunted for the place, the restaurant would probably be closed. And so, i agreed. After all, beggars can't be choosers right? It was his company that i wanted ultimately, and therefore, it really didn't matter that we weren't gg to this restaurant that i have been planning to bring him to since late September. All in good time... all in good time.
Dinner was a hurried affair, for by the time we got there, which was about 9.20, they were taking the last orders for food. And he looked so tired, and so edgy, that i was rooted in my chair, not ready to voice out anything disagreeing, for fear of adding more stress to him. And so i did what i would do in such situations, i sat, smiled and listened to him tell me why it made more sense for us to come to sushi tei once again rather then gg to some far off restaurant. And why it was bloody bad to meet up on a weekday. Frankly does it make a difference when we meet up? After all, the guy is married to his work. Has a mistress as the work, and has children as the work. So it didn't really matter. We talked a little, chatted a little about my sexuality, i tried to share something with him, but i guess he just wasn't interested. And then he asked, casually, something in the likes of let's sleep together again or when are we gg to sleep together again.
I didn't reply then, as i felt any answer would have been inappropriate. But i was definately wanting to scream out, how about after dinner. That would be the best dessert for me. Not coz sleeping with someone would have been good dessert normally, but coz the comment made a difference for me. For the time we have been back, he has seem so indifferent to the whole prospect of sleeping together, that i dare not even broach on the topic for fear of offending him or putting him in one of his defensive moods about oh, i knew this would happen.. etc.. etc but he did talk about his ideal woman. A woman who would be a yes woman. Someone that would allow him to be the head of the household, someone that would let him run the show. And i guess the question i didn't ask was, and you think i would not?
Dinner ended before 10 as the cashiers had to close the accounts for the night. I bought him dinner coz i said i would. Anyway, dinner was meant to be a bribe to get him out. So, for all it was worth, i guess it was worth it. Then his phone rang, and when he put down the phone, he said, i don't have to go back to work. And then he said, let's go have a drink.. meaning coffee.
We walked to the nearest starbucks, and sadly, they closed early. So we decided to walk to the next starbucks which happened to be 5 minutes away. We got there, sat down for barely 10 minutes when all of a sudden, he sits up from the couch that we were at and says, hey, i have to go back to work. Huh? Puzzlement... Wasn't it less then 20 mintues ago that you said that you didn't have to go back to work. I kept silent. I wanted the tears to pass. I was never great at crying in public, let alone in front of someone that i felt cared nothing about me and my feelings. When they subsided, i said, well, i haven't finished my drink, but if you have to go, then go. Then he said, are you trying to tell me you want me to stay till you finish your drink? Then alright. I guess i can sit for another 5-10 minutes. Right... At this point of time, the flood of emotions came again. So once again, i looked out in the distance, and tried to focus on all the other things that didn't matter. I refuse to break down in front of him. Not that i think he would be able to handle it should i cry. Not that i think it would have mattered to him that he had hurt me. So finally after minutes of pure silence with him sitting at his corner and me in mine, i asked, why ask me out for coffee if you were going to sit only for 10 minutes and run?
Then, he said this.. Coffee also must have time frame one meh? I thought this sort of things, understood one mah. Don't need to explain. I initially wanted a drink after dinner. Then the other starbucks was closed. And we had to spend time walking here. And by then, the time that i had allocated for you was over. Hello? Allocated? Thanks a million dude. I think i'm worth more then that. In my humble opinion at least. Anyway, there was nothing left to say. I finished up my coffee as quickly as i could, picked up my laptop and left. There was really nothing to say.
I had to get away quickly. I didn't dare look at him. I knew there was only that much i could control with relations to my tears. There have been one or two sticky situations when the tears got the better of me. And with this man, this so special man, i didn't want to take the gamble. Who knows what he would say if i really did cry? Oh, see i told you so. After we sleep together, you get all emotional on me.... yadder yadder...
Anyway, after i left, in a last ditch effort to salvage the situation, i sms him, i guess i really am not understanding enough. All i wanted was to have dinner and chill and spend some time with you. So much for enjoy the moment. If i knew moments were that short, then maybe if i was more prepared, i would have handled it better. And he messaged, oh, thanks for dinner and the heat pack. Of which i sms him, well, if its useful for you, then its worth it. And i didn't even get a hug for buying you dinner and a heat pack. And he said he'll make it up the next time. Next time? Maybe he wasn't pissed off. Then in one sheer moment of stupidity, i decided to do the same thing my friend did. I think in law they call it the one question too many. I sms him back, you know, what you said during dinner about sex, were you serious or were you joking.
Drumroll please.....
And the answer is....
Joking only. Good nite.
Like the whole night was not an insult enough, this was like smearing salt in an open wound. I guess the jokes on me eh? Funny how i remember not too long ago when i also wrote this one sentence. And with that, comes the conclusion of this hilarious one sided love story. I loved and i lost. i did promise to do him one favour before all this transpired. And because he really is special to me, he will have his job done if he passes it to me. But when he returns on the 17th, with a job well done, i will do my darnest never to contact him again.
Maybe in the whole sequence of things, he was right. Or maybe not quite. Even before i boarded the plane for HK, i knew i was already in love with this guy. I didn't sleep with him with the intention of changing his view of me. I slept with him coz i wanted to. But maybe for a while, i thought i could have been more then a holiday fling or a two night stand. Maybe for a while, i thought we clicked. And maybe for a while, i really did thought my company and presence meant something in his life. Not as a girlfriend, not as a realtionship, but at the very least, a worthy companion. And now i know, that, each time we went out, i was allocated time. Sounds like time wasted. And i must have been pretty bad in bed for it to be a joke.
Oh well, at least i;ve seen the light. Somehow, he'll remain special. But surely i no longer want to take up his precious and busy time. I've never been time allocated in someone's life before. In fact, its been a long time since i really wanted to spend my life taking care of someone and giving in to the person and making the person happy, and doing everything i can to make the person's life easier in my own simple ways. But during dinner, he mentioned so many times, he's not looking for a relationship. And i respect that. But i never want a person to feel like i wasn't worth his company. Coz i know i deserved every minute of it, if not more. I know, i would have given him the moon had he asked. And for that, i know, that it's finally over...

GAME OVER... GAME LOST

Questions unanswered

I guess there are many things about men which i have yet to figure out. And more importantly, there are questions about 1 particular man that i wish to figure out but will never have the ability to. Is it my presence that you cannot deal with? Or is it merely you are not interested in my company whatsoever.. i am surprised. I'm not even interested to blog today.
For what you did on Friday, i guess now i can see why u were even nice to me on Saturday. And for that, i dislike u even more. For you did not even have the courage to tell me the truth. And i was right. You were so unwilling to share. And i question why i shared so willingly with you. Why i tell you each and everything that happens to me. And there you were, guarding your cards so close..

As night falls

As night falls, its the time of the night where one grows weary and tired. And its normal to feel this way. If you were on a journey and not sure when u will reach the end, then as night falls, its time to lay your knapsack down and turn in and lie down to sleep. For if you choose not to sleep, u might find yourself too tired to carry on or even if you did take some extra steps, you might die of exhaustion.
Tonight, as the weariness hits me in a wave, i realize now how my head had been right all this while. The things that i spoke to Superman this afternoon, about us being from different worlds, about how there can never be a happy ending to this fairy tale, has hit me back hard. Tonight as he once again turns a blind eye to my calls, in whichever manner, it dawn on me that i should have given up so long ago. That it was only coz i was in dreamland that i actually believed or bluff my brain to believe that there could be just so much more.
Its always how i am not understanding enough, how he has so much work to do, How i cannot expect him to give me more time or more attention. How i am too demanding. And from this moment, i guess he is right. I am demanding. I do want more. I do want more time, more attention, i want to be everything that he is scared of. With that thought in mind, i shall go off to dreamland and write tml.

That's life

I seem to be running out of topic titles. I've been having some thoughts lately about finally opening up my blog to people in my life instead of just keeping the blog private as i have done. Not sure if it is really such a great idea. But will open it up for consideration.
Anyway, two things in my insignificant life happened yesterday. Why do i always blog 24 hrs after the incident has happened? I guess to give myself time to figure out whether its worth blogging about. Anyway, going to talk about the 2nd thing first. Was running for a position in this committee for something that i feel was rather close to heart. In the lead up to the running for the committee, i was asked to run for president. But, i guess there was a part that felt i might not do as good a job as someone else i knew. Why? Is it coz i doubt that i have the potential to do something? Or rather the capacity to do it? Well, i guess the answer is no. I just feel that i am not as passionate about it as this other person is. Then again, i also feel that this person needs the affirmation more then i needed it. And therefore, i'm glad the results turned out favourable. I am officially the vice president ( gives me more room to slack) Haa...
The other incident that got to me was that i had a small argument with the one person who recently has been able to get all sorts of weird reactions from me. I really cannot understand how and why it is that i am having a dance with this friend. Ever felt that with every step u take with a person, you seem to be moving one step back one day later? And i guess, for this friend, i feel this way. I've really done my best to listen, to ask pertinent questions, and yet, at the end of the day, i feel like i've not progressed. It seems like the wall is so high and so tight, that there is no way of getting across or into the beautiful castle that i see inside. Or maybe only becoz its so difficult to get in that the castle looks beautiful. Would i then when i have entered, see a place that is in ruins and walk away never to want to come back again?
Anyway, the curious incident is that this person msned me today. As usual, we pretended that nothing transpired between us yesterday. But how healthy is this? How healthy will a relationship or friendship be if you cannot talk about what is bugging you or what you really want? Someone once told me that when you fall in love, its meant to be simple. Not that there are no obstacles in love, but everything seems to fall into place. And when you have a fight or where there is a difference in opinion, you will be able to talk it out or work it out. If you have to struggle so hard to make things work, it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Is this one person right? If this person is right, then by golly, i guess its darn certain that this person is not the right person for me. And yet, another school of thought is through adversity, a couple grows. So, which is which? Depends on the school of thought that you subscribe to i guess.
Had a fantastic day out tonight. Its been ages since i last went partying with Superman. Brought a friend along as well. I really do miss him and the times when we partied religiously every week. At the end of the night, he sent me a really sweet sms. Told me not to do anything stupid before consulting him. I guess it's times like this where i feel that i'm really blessed. Around me in my life, i've always had a steady stream of people and friends who want to be around for me, who would share their knowledge and life experiences with me. And that has helped me grow a lot as a person and also has kept me out of trouble once too often. Thanks big brother.... you truly are special. Why? Coz you treat even the most insignificant person with the dignity and respect as you would a great person. And i know in my heart that sometimes, i must irritate the hell out of you, but you never get annoyed. With all the patience you can muster, you will still hold my hand and walk with me.
I have been in love with a person for some time now. It's hard to admit this especially when the relationship is going nowhere... But today, as i am writing this blog, and after reading a friend's blog, i guess i really have to admit it. No amount of self delusion, self constrait, restraint has helped me in this regard. Maybe when they say, sometimes, with emotions, you can hardly control yourself and that of your heart, its really true. I have no idea how to approach this person and i guess in my own cowardly way, i probably never will. Inside my head, i'm holding a debate. If i tell this person that i'm in love with him, it could strike up certain endings. And out of all these conclusions, hardly any of them good. Then i ask myself, if thats the case, is it then pointless to stay in love with this person? Every rational part and logical part of me screams to walk away. And yet, the heart which has been hurt once too often, refuses to listen to logic and reason. Why is that so? Does it happen to most people? And are there those that don't feel that way? And if so, what and how are they able to not listen to their hearts, but to go with their heads?
Its really tough to be in love with a person. Oki.. that statement is a lie. Its only tough when its not reciprocal. If it was a two way traffic, then at this moment, i guess i will only be able to blog about love, love and more love. So the question that comes to mind once again, is the question of whether it is better to be loved or to love....
Love should be something complementary i guess. Not a matter of who loves who more, but rather, a matter of give and take.To receive, you must first give. And yet, when is the time when u can say you haven't given enough, and refuse to give any more coz you are not receiving. Tough call. Sometimes, you find excuses after excuses to say, its alright. I'll give it one last shot. If it doesn't work out, then i'll stop. Then there are the times when u say, i've given so much already, why not just carry on? Maybe, just maybe one day he'll give. Or maybe just one day, he will miraculously wake up and decide that he adores me coz i've given so much. Does persistency pay? And at what price?
Sometimes, i wish i was a guru and i had all the answers at the snap of my fingers. At the same time, i take it all that these are learning experiences and that is how one grows as a person. But does it mean i have regressed if i haven't learnt the lesson after getting burnt once? And remember i said once history is repeated each time till you learn the lesson that you are meant to learn? So is this the lesson that i am meant to learn? Or is this a test of my faith?
Why is it that with each point of view that i take, i am still clueless?

My declaration of Self Esteem

I am Me
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
Because I alone chose it - I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,Whether they be to others or to myself - I own my fanatasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and Successes, all my failures and mistakes
Because I own all of Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts - I knowThere are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other Aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me - However I Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whateverI think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically Me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and doI have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be Productive to make sense and order out of the world ofPeople and things outside of me - I own me, and therefore I can engineer me - I am me and
I am Okay!

(Virginia Satir)

A not so long one

Just thought of writing a long post since i am waiting for time to pass anyway. Its called the long one, coz i have absolutely no idea what the topic is going to be about. I have been reading my previous posts and the comments that have been generated. Didn't know that many people respond or rather read and write in people's blogs in hope that they will respond and generate traffic in their own sites. Is everything nowadays about money?
Had an interesting topic of conversation with someone yesterday. Had to think had about certain matters. Is money really that important? And yet at the end of the day, what can you do if you have no money? Would a poor man think that money is the most important thing in the world, if he had a family of 4 to feed and yet, each day, jobless, he brings no bacon and bread home? Or would a rich man feel that money means nothing to him. After all, he has so much that it will take several lifetimes to spend it all.
Then a topic of interest came about in Sunday's newspaper. About a person who was using a handicapped toilet. And she was penalised for it. Funny how people are talking about equal opportunities, and yet want special treatment at the end of the day. Its like 100 yrs ago, if you were to say, well, woman would one day run the world, or be so involved in politics that they yield as much power as men, people would think you to an idiot. Spluttering nonsense. And yet, look how far we have progressed. And yet, it was kinda funny thinking of woman at that time who were fighting for equal rights and yet, accuse a man of not being a gentleman if he doesn't hold the door open for her. Haven't people already figured out there is nothing called equality. We can say we have progressed and that we have grown. But we cannot say we are looking at equality. Woman and man will never be equal. Its our make and our backgrounds that will never make us equal. We both appeal to different things. We don't have to appeal to the same things or same traits. We need to complement each other. I do hope i do not get shot down for voicing out such comments.. haha
Not sure what to write abt actually... maybe it will be a short one after all. Ha..
Have decided that its time to go back to school. Haven't really shared much of this thought with anyone just yet. I guess there is a time and place for everything. And somehow, this suddenly feels like its the correct time to start doing this and doing that. Maybe its coz its the year end and i feel like i'm gg to be one year older again and i better start doing something about it. Funny how these things work. Never quite sure. But i guess when the motivation is strong enough, its time to act on my instincts and move that butt. Rather then sit and wait all day long.
Was just mentioning to a friend that for some time now, i have felt that my life is incomplete. But suddenly, it feels complete all over agian. How can that be? How can one's life change overnight? Is it merely the perspective that has changed or maybe its the fact that i've found new purpose in my life and therefore, am feeling this way? And what would my purpose be? Tough question to answer. I have no idea really. I just know that there are a lot of things to do, a lot of things to accomplish. And yet, maybe with each passing day, i'm growing older, and one day, i don't want to look back and say, what the heck, i wish i had done that.. or this.. or that..

Simple ramblings

Today someone said this one phrase to me. When people tell you you cannot do it, just prove them wrong.
Such a simple line, yet full of meanings. Especially for me. Connects so well.
Had a terrific time out with a friend on Sunday. Don't know if i mentioned it yet. But i guess a friends posting spoke true to heart. Sometimes, there is that one person that you know will hurt you. And yet, you allow that person that opportunity coz you value that person's happiness above your own. For a long time, i have not felt that way. Especially after Guardian a long time ago. Last week, maybe at this exact same time, i came to realize that i value his happiness a lot more then mine. This one friend, so special, who might not view me as someone as special, but somewhere along the way, i've given up control of my own heart. Scary as it may seem, i see it as a beginning. A beginning of letting go of total control and living as a person again.
I have no idea how this friendship will turn out. Or even if we will ever have a future admist all the mist and haze. But i know that somehow, i have grown. And he has helped me grow in that way. For that, i whisper a silent thank you. If you give me a chance to touch your life like you have touched mine, i would truly be the happiest person alive. Today, life seems more reasonable. That i'm happy to be alive. Cheers

The sun is shining once again

Have returned back from the dead. My goodness, it sure is irritating being sick. Especiallly since i just returned from a trip. And i hate being sick. Especially when there is no one to give in to my whims and fancy, when there is no one to buy me soup or cake or just some drink to cheer me up. And worse still, when the throat hurts like crazy that i dun even want to eat. But i guess the worse is over now. I'm sort of healthy again.
Had a great talk with a friend today. I guess i feel its great coz we actually talked. Its scary, but i am falling for this friend more and more each day. I'm not sure how to explain what i feel for him. It's a lovely feeling, being in love with someone. But with this guy, it has to be slow and i'm kinda scared that i will ruin things if i tell him too much about how i feel and all. So in the mean time, i guess i'll just have to keep mum about certain stuff.
Erm, its time to start work soon. The longer i laze around, the more slack i will be. Great. The sun is shining once again, and the sky looks beautiful, the clothes will get dry, and everything is sunny

Back with reluctance

Just returned back to Singapore with much reluctance. I guess if i had a chance to go to hong kong and work, i would rush to do it. Doesn't matter if the pay ain't that great. As long as i can survive, i would love to stay there. I guess there are a couple of reasons why i love it there so much. The main importance is tha ti guess the family there is so much sweeter then the family i have here. I guess sometimes the grass on the other side is always greener. However, it really is true. I mean, i think i have had dinner as a family more often there then i ever had in a year over here in Singapore. Not to mention home cooked food.
My friend did turn up eventually. I'm not sure how to react still. I guess i'm still contemplating. He is by far a really sweet man. Different from how he is in Singapore. Yet at the same time, all i needed from him at the end of the two days were just some simple reassuring words that these two beautiful days didn't change our friendship or that he might like to see me again. But then again, maybe he had no such intention of seeing me again and therefore didn't say anything. But then again, i guess at the end of the day, a girl would still have liked to hear from the man that he enjoyed her company. Then again, maybe it was really just meant to be a holiday fling or even an ONS. And therefore, no comments were warranted. And i think i wasn't that great in bed. Then again, these things do take some time and some getting used to.
I guess all i can say is that i knew the stakes before i decided to go. However, didn't calculate on enjoying his company all that much. After all, back here in Singapore, we fight all the time over the most nonsensical things that sometimes i wonder why we are even friends. But i guess over there in Hong Kong, it was different. Could be he was more relaxed, or could be i was determined not to fight with him. Whatever the case, i know i did enjoy his company although i knew when he left that we were worlds apart. There is a part of me that wonders after i return him the stuff he had left at the hotel room and his MTR card, will we ever see each other again outside the confines of our mutual friends. Only time will tell i guess.
Will post more later when i wake. Really need to hit the sack now.. Too darn tired.

Feelings in Hong Kong

Relaxing trip on the whole. Taking things easy i guess. Have not been shopping much coz nothing much has caught my fancy except 3 pairs of limited edition adidas shoes. And i guess its kinda crazy to buy all 3 pairs back. So, will spend some more time thinking about what to do, whether to buy or not.
He's here. For all the lack of confidence in him turning up or not turning up, i guess he's here. But, the feeling is different. We really act like a couple here and i'm not only talking about it being in the bedroom. But, i guess, something is different. I don't feel exceptionally special. Rather, i feel like i'm being used. Somehow, it feels that way. Like, why are you so nice to me? However, you lie to me. And why would you do something like that? And also, how come you can't be like that to me in SIngpapore. Is there someone else? And how come you tell me you are gg to Shanghai, and in actuality, you are not. ANd also, if you are not, how come you choose not to spend more time with me. And then complain when i say i want to go party with my cousins instead. I mean, i just want to spend some time with my cousins. And i know you want to spend time, but can't we do so in Singapore. Is it only possible to do so in a far away land? And if so, what are you trying to hide in Singapore? A girlfriend? A wife? Or maybe this is really a holiday fling. And if it is, then i would rather not move so close to you. Coz i will only be hurt at the end of the day. That much i know. I know that should i carry on this game with you, i will slap myself in the face eventually.
Anyway, Maybe i just seriously don't understand men. Let alone this mysterious man. Alright, will update more soon. Brain too dead to carry on. Need to nap a while before heading out to party a little.. Talk about double standards. You leave me alone in the hotel room at 9 plus, and say i play you out when i want to go party at 2. If you had spent time with me at 9 till 2, we would have gotten lots done. I should just stay off men. Shit.. till next time

When is it ever enough?

On the first day of my holiday. I guess its been a fun experience. I arrived at the airport to find my aunt waiting for me, and then later, we waited for my cousin together. As we were heading back, we met up with my granny and it was a series of just sitting around and having coffee. It was nice to be around family considering how crazy my family is right now. And I guess I really enjoy having a decent conversation just like friends although these people are family. Amazingly however, its kinda sad coz I see them being so close and they genuinely care for each other and such. And yet, here I have a family who doesn’t seem to treasure the times that we have together. And I guess its largely because of this that of late, I have been on a hunt to reunite myself with family although my parents do nothing about it.
Went online after reaching cousin’s place. And as usual, I cleared my email and logged on to msn. A conversation with a particular someone proceeded as such…
Me: yoz
A: yoz le ge tau
Me: what does le ge tau mean?
A: your head in Cantonese
Me: why u like that say?
A: kidding
Me: how was your day?
A: When is you leaving?
Me: Don’t understand your question..
A: When you leaving for HK? Thur?
Me: I’m in HK already
A: There is a computer at your place in HK?
Me: Why you think I stay on the mountains ar?
A: Why you so fierce?
Me: No lah, just a funny question to ask mah
A: Make your font bigger..
Me: Wah lao eh, why you keep complaining about my fonts?
A: Cannot see lah
à proceeds to change font size fr size 10 to 14
Me: Is it better
A: Change your font to arial
Me: Why you forever complaining?
A: Ask you do small thing already cannot, how to ask you to do big things?
Me: What you mean by that?
A: Would you rather I didn’t understand what you were saying>
Me: Nothing pleases you. First you complain about font size, then type, then color, then heading.
A: Small thing also you want to make a point.
Me: The pot calling the kettle black
A: Ok stop. Case close.
Me: What you mean by that? If you make a reasonable request, I would give in.
A: in any relationship, there must always be giving and taking
Me: You feel that I don’t give in to you often enough?
A: its not about giving in. But about ask you do small thing you already complain, then how to ask you do big thing
Me: I refuse to be drawn into this discussion.
Me: Is there something that’s bugging you, how come no matter what I do, you are not happy.
A: Don’t you think you are also very demanding?
Me: hello? Where in this conversation have I been demanding?
A: Forget it. Case close. No point talking about it
Me: yeah, but you are still not happy.
A: I’m not complaining. Just feel that you should learn to give and take.
Me: Well, if that is what you feel, then theres nothing I can do about it. You are the one person that I put in the most effort for. Forget it.
Me: Anyway, I gtg. Bb
A: bb

When is enough ever enough? Is there really something inherently wrong with me or is it that this man will never be satisfied? And if he is never satisfied, is there really a point in trying? After all, he doesn’t see any of my efforts. At the first instance of me rejecting a suggestion or opinion of him, he just feels that I don’t give in and all. What’s all this about live and let be. Or rather, what’s all this about letting nature take its course? You are obviously trying to change me. And we are not even a couple. You are merely a friend to me.. At most someone that I will eventually bed. So stop asking so much from me. It only pushes me further away. And I guess at the end of the day, it ain’t really a bad thing.

Smokers build good rapport coz they dun shoot their mouths off

Now i was having a chat with a friend after going through coach training today. And we once again chanced upon an interesting concept. And that is, sometimes in our eagerness to save the world or rather the people in the world and share with them our grand plan or points of views, we tend to complicate matters. What do i really mean by that? Well, sometimes, doesn't it make sense to merely keep our mouths shut? I really wonder what i gain or people in general gain when they shoot their mouth off to a comment that was totally uncalled for only to regret it later or worse still, spend their time making up for it. Wouldn't it have made more sense to just stop and think about things before we blurt it out?
Now, i was having coffee with this friend when i came up with the above mentioned header. Smokers in general think before they speak. I mean when they are puffing and exhaling, they think of the question or the statement made, before they go on to reply in a well structured and thought out response. After all, all we needed was that extra 5 seconds to come up with a decent response and not shoot our mouths off. So therefore, if we can just adopt the smoker's mentality, and just pause for a tad longer then normal, we would save ourselves lots of arguements and silly confrontations and not jump at each other's throats.
I was also sharing with a friend that the language we use in our every day life is really important. It dictates how we do things and also our belief systems. If i say something like i can't do so and so thing, then i guess i pretty much tell myself that since i can't do it, no point even doing it. After all, since i can't why try even in the first place. If i tell myself i will get it right later, then even if i cannot get it right now, later when i have time to rethink my strategies, i will get it right. So, i guess, choice of words are important here. Alright, this post is leading no where, and since i have to log off before my brother returns, that's all the intelligent shit you get out of me today.

Looking forward to the holidays

For all the things that have gone wrong and can go wrong, it has materialized. I remember murphy's law once. What can go wrong, will go wrong. And don't try to make anything idiotproof coz idiots are ingenious people. So interesting. Anyway, for all the shitty planning and lack of money, it dawned on me that i was going away in less then 48 hours and i'm really looking forward to it. Yes, it might be a budget trip, might not have much shopping money or such, but at the end of the day, it feels good to get out of Singapore and head somewhere else.
There is a part of me that is extremely happy as i know that this trip signifies many new things for me. Coming back, i'll be officially jobless and would start on jobs that have no fixed pay and only project based or commission based. Coming back, i start coaching the kids camps and spending my time on more worthwhile things. Going away signifies a change i guess. A change of all bad things ending and only more good things to come.
Don't ask me why i feel this way. But each time i go away, i feel like that. Maybe its my own way of running away from all the unpleasant things and when i come back, with a brand new perspective, things will be different. Then again, its just a perspective. And only i can change my perspective. But, somehow, it feels good. (Not the broke part) But the part that it really is so easy to please the human brain. And therefore, i guess, i'm only looking forward to going away to spending time with grans, auntie and cousins. It feels good to be away to join another family for a while. Maybe i too am getting too caught up in the never ending cycle here in Singapore.

Fickle minded men

I recently planned a trip with a friend to Hong Kong. Now, you would think that men are creatures who once make up their mind, would do little to change it. Let alone a man who is in position. How terribly wrong can i be. This friend of mine, changed his mind once so often that i guess unless i was bug in his mental process, i would be unable to keep up. Now why did this irritate me? Well, the thing is, i guess its in my character to plan for things. I am not so anal about stuff that i need things to the minute detail, like we must have breakfast at 7.53am so that we can catch the 8.22am bus to go to a certain place. Now, details like this has seldom bothered me. Basically, i just need to know that you are meeting me for dinner and i'll keep my evening free. Or if you are going to meet me for lunch, then i know that i'll not plan to meet anyone for lunch.
Now, the thing about this friend of mine is that like every other man in the world, he is so prone to changing his mind coz he decides to change his schedule every other minute.
First, my friend said that he would want to fly in on the 28. Spend 29 in disneyland and then fly back to singapore on the 30. Of course he said he was unable to confirm, being as commitmentphobic as he was, i let it rest. Then, somewhere at the start of the month, he said he might not be able to go to HKG. Now, any sensible woman at this point of time would go make her own plans. Right? If you are a woman, surely you would not let the intricacies of the men mind stop you from going away. And so i planned to go to Phuket. After all, being jobless and poor, it seemed like a more affordable location to go for a holiday. And so, i checked out the prices, thought, cool. Now i can finally go away on a holiday when lo and behold, my friend meets me and says, hey, why not lets go to HKG. Faint. Wasn't that the initial plan? Except then it was to go to disneyland and now, it seems like we aren't heading there anymore.
Nevermind i thought. It would be nice to go away with a friend since i've been travelling lots on my own over the past few years. And i guess sometimes, its nice to have company around. A friend to chat with at night or even to party with. And when silly men try to pick me up, he can always be my shield. And so, i told this friend, how about you go confirm your ticket first, and i'll book mine. So he said, alright. I'll let you know by the end of the week. And so i played this waiting game with him. Finally, the week came to a close and i sms him. I mean, i needed to know when he was going to go away so that i could plan my silly vacation around his. After all, since i'm the one who is jobless, i didn't really have to worry much about applying for leave and such. His reply to me was 28oct -2 nov. And so happily, i went online to search for an airticket to take me away to the beautiful country. And alas, as it was already the 21 oct, there were no more tickets for a 28th flight. And so i thought to myself, lets see if there is a ticket on the 27. And my my, what good fortune. There were in fact many flights for the 27. And so i booked the ticket and planned to return on the 2nd.
This is an incredibly long trip to HKG. And i guess every time i return to HKG, it seems like i'm plagued with men problems. Maybe i should stop going back for a while. Anyway, after the flight has been booked, my friend messages me and says he's gg on the 29th and coming back on the first. Frankly, i would like to know which airline company he's flying with. If they let all their customers change their mind as often as this friend, i would be wondering why they even allow people to reserve seats in the first place. Why not just everyone turn up at the airport at a time and date that suited them and fly off. Now i was pissed with my airline company. Flying Cathay. Apparently unlike the airline that my friend is flying off in, i cannot change the date of my flight. Or maybe i can, its just that i'm not loaded enough to change my dates as and when i like. After all, i did dump my money into hotel booking and air ticket over to HKG. Now if you think that was bad, i haven't even ended my story yet. Bear with me. I am basically just irritated and i need an outlet for frustration.
Now, frankly, that didn't sound so bad. I mean from the 29 to the 1st, thats like 3 and 1/2 days maybe. And i guess maybe i was happy and excited. Now my trip didn't seem and feel really long. After all, if you've been to HKG as many times as me. It ain't that interesting anymore. Especially since i am currently broke and therefore cannot afford to shop like crazy. Doesn't help that i don't have a credit card no more and everything i have i have basically spent it on hotel and air ticket. But i guess 3 1/2 days of company sounded really good. Then my friend says he is only spending 2 days there as he has decided to fly off to some other country after that. Amazing how tolerant his airline company is. Wish i had booked my flight with that same airline company then maybe it isn't too late to fly off to beijing to join my dad. And so after repeated questionings and confirmations, i asked if it was alright to book the hotel on the 29th, 30th and 31st. And of course, being a nice friend, he says, just book two nights. That way, we don't waste money. Interesting how i forgot to mention this friend of mine is thoughtful as well.
So after searching for a hotel of his choice, location of his choice and getting rejected coz they were fully booked, we were finally offered another hotel, similar location and price. And so, once again, i messaged him and asked if he was alright with it and whether he was sure that we were going to stay 2 nights. And once again, being the ever so eager friend, he said, yes. We're staying for two nights.
Fast forward the weekend away, finally monday morning. Saw him on MSN, and i asked if he received my message. And of course because we have a terrific telecommunication system here in Singapore, he did receive my message. As with all stories, it wouldn't have mattered if it ended here. But no, my interesting friend had another surprise for me. He messaged me this morning to say that he was flying in on the 29th and flying off on the 30th. Now at this point of time, i swear i am so damn curious about which airline he is flying by that i would have rolled my head off to find out. Then again, maybe his father owns the airlines or maybe he has a private jet. If that is the case, maybe i should get him to pay for hotel. Maybe he might own some chain of hotel in HKG. Anyway, this was when i lost it. Being nice and thoughtful, he said this, we'll go to ocean park on the 29th and the go party at night. Then i fly off on the 30th afternoon. Interesting. Did i forget to mention that ocean park closes at 6.30pm and by the time we check in to the hotel, it will probably be 3pm. Not to mention he has an errand to run before meeting me after he comes into town at ard lunch time. Of then again, i guess maybe since he is a privileged customer with the airlines, he could probably own ocean park or know of someone who owns ocean park and therefore keep the doors open. Either that or ocean park is so small that he figures 2 hours is the maximum time i need there. Opps. I'm sorry, maybe i forgot to enlighten this friend of mine that in all the times i've been to HKG, i have not stepped into ocean park before and would like to take all the rides there are there. And my idea of going to a place is not like stepping in and coming out and declaring to the world.. Oh my, guess where i went on my trip. I went to ocean park. And the place was beautiful and big and it had many rides. Pictures of that place? How about you log on to www.oceanpark.com. Now wouldn't that be interesting?
You know i seldom lose my cool with people. I'm generally rather forgiving especially to friends. But tell me, how would you react in my shoes. And frankly, is being a little pissed off acceptable. Of course, being a philosophical friend, he said, well, i'm doing my best to spend time with you. And its not the length of the time but rather the quality of it. Frankly speaking, i don't have to fly off to HKG to experience my friend and enjoy his company as a friend. I can do just fine in Singapore. And with friends like that, who needs enemies. Right? Anyway, i told him to put himself in my shoes and he said he did. And that was why he did his best to make arrangements. With the way things are working out before the trip, i should have stuck to my initial plan to go phuket with a friend. I guess thats what they mean when they say choices have consequences. And this is my choice of a friend and this is my choice of thinking it would be nice to have a friend to holiday with.
Now i know why over the past few years, i always choose to travel alone. It seems like i seldom learn my lesson. Either that or i always like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I always think that this time round, this particular friend would be different. I've been places with so many people before. Almost as often as being around on my own. There was the friend that despite both of us being poor, had to stay in a 5 start hotel. There was the friend that wouldn't leave the hotel room. There was the friend that whined about everything and anything over the whole trip. There was the friend that could not walk coz walking was crazy and everywhere we went, we had to take a cab. There was te friend that flew off together with me and back with me and basically, that was it. There was the friend that told me to take a hike from the hotel room so he could bed some prostitute. And the list goes on. This trip fills me up with dread. And the best part was that with most of these friends, it didn't even happen till we got to the country.
Most of the time, they seemed cool before we leave and then when we get there, Mr Hyde appears. I've seen the Mr Hyde in this friend. Should i still go? I can just imagine the amount of money i will bring to loyal chinese newspaper readers. Girl murdered by Mr Hyde. Ha... my imagination precedes me.
Anyway, i've basically given up on this friend. I told him to do whatever he wants. Told him that the room is under my name and when he reaches and is wants to check in, the key would be with the concierge. And that i would not wait for him to appear because my general experience of him is that he is not very reliable. As with all men. God, i wish you can somehow introduce a man into my life to change my flawed perspective of men. Anyway, he said just not to disappoint me, he will do just so. Ha. So typical. Men are not only fickle, they are childish and vindictive. And thus i rest my case as to why i think i should generally just go and date some woman. Would i be really surprised if he calls me on the morning of the 29th and told me he wasn't even going to turn up or maybe he has changed his airticket for zimbaawee, i guess not. Right now, i guess his air ticket is to never never land. And frankly, it really doesn't matter any more.
Some girlfriend told me this. If it is the price to pay to see the dark side of a person, it is money well spent. Damn, i should have gone phuket and krabi diving with my friend. At least a few hundred metre underwater, i really can't be bothered if you decide that you wanted to turn off your oxygen coz you weren't happy with how the oxygen tasted. Or at least while you were in the boat heading out at sea, you couldn't possibly say i don't want to go out to sea diving. The driver will ask you to swim back to shore. And frankly, i would probably only muster up these two words of sympathy. Good luck.
Alright. Enough of frustration venting for the night. I've made up my mind to make my trip enjoyable. Notice i said my trip. I guess at the end of the day, its my choice how i choose to be. Happy or disturbed by an inconsequential friend? Ain't too hard a choice.....

Price for everything

Let me start with my original post before i digress to something else. The topic of today is a price for everything. I guess this is why i came up with this topic. Not so long ago, or many moons ago, i was curious about this topic of prostitution. Now, why would i be curious about this topic? I'm not too certain myself. But anyway, when i was in uni, i did a research on this topic for sociology and i did write a damn good report on it. Got an A for my essay. And to add on to it, i did manage to meet many gorgeous and not so gorgeous woman who shared with me why they were into prostitution.
Now, many of these woman were poor, far away from home or basically just looking for a way to make money. Now, do i think it's wrong? Well, i don't think so. I spoke to this woman once, and she shared with me her experience. Her story is as such. She came from a single parent family. When she was 14, she had to leave school to take care of her ailing mother and retarded brother who needed extra care and medical costs for them were crazy. So she took to working at the night club to earn a fast buck. Sure she could earn some money working at macdonalds or starbucks, but working at a night club, she got more in tips alone for a month. Now, what was the price she had to pay for this? She had to endure with the man gropping at her, pretend to enjoy the company of the men she was with, and for extras, she got more. But she kept to her principle of not sleeping with any of this men. She wanted to save her virginity for her husband to be. She didn't mind being molested coz she needed the money. But, she refused to sleep with any men, although they offered time and again.
One day, her retarded brother fell ill and was admitted to the hospital. She had to take a few days off work to take care of him as the ailing mother was unable to attend to the brother in hospital. Sure the nurses and doctors were helpful. But they could not pay the bills. She applied to the government and asked for a subsidy, but no one really bothered. After all, she was a strong woman who could find ways to somehow pay the bills. If not, then she would just be broke, or worse still, her brother would receive no attention. Now, she was a rather plain looking girl, but being in the trade for long, she knew how to doll herself up and therefore could fetch a rather good price in the market. Also, people in the trade and men who had been with her knew that she had never slept with anyone before and therefore made her even more attractive then she really seemed. When the men around her heard her sob story, they all offered her cash. But with a price. It seemed like an auction at a marketplace when men started offering her more and more money to sleep with them.
This girl, desperate and alone, began to question why she held on to her belief of wanting to save her virginity for the man she would one day love. But driven by desperation, she soon caved. She gave in to this man who treated her right and gave her the promise of not just wanting to sleep with her but wanting to give her more in life. Provide for her mother and brother and help her find a job to get out of the trade. He declared to her that he loved her. She caved, they slept, and when she woke the next money, she found a cheque of $1000 by the bedside.
She was devastated. However, she learnt one important lesson that day. Promises were only words and that they didn't mean anything. After the first man, she never stopped. She carried on sleeping with men as long as they paid her the right amount of money.
What was the whole point of this simple and sad tale? I have come to agree with this woman i interviewed 5 years back that everything has a price. You can have the most pride in the world, but at the end of the day, its still about dollars and cents. If u were poor and begging on the streets and i offered u a million dollars just to sleep with you, would you do it? Or would you rather die of hunger on the streets? Isn't this interesting that at the end of the day, everything has a price?
Well, why did i bring up this tale and in what relation does it have to do with my life? Well, the fact is that i think i did something silly. For some time now i have been rather attracted to this man. Rather would generally be denoted as an understatement. However, i cannot figure out what is it about this man that attracted me. I cannot tell if it is lust i feel for him, or genuine love and affection. And thus, to eliminate one of the above, i asked to sleep with him. He outrightly refused me! Most recently, he acceded to my request but on his terms and conditions. I agreed but paid heavily for it. Nope, i did not pay him money to sleep with him. I paid more then just money.
Let me give you this example. If you were jobless and rather poor, with about 3000 left till you earned some good solid money, would you splurge 2500 on something that you might like? Now, i guess this question is rhetoric. After all, everyone has a different perspective about things. But i know i wouldn't. And yet, i did. Now as i think about it, i begin to feel silly. So does it mean that this guy has a price attached to him, well not in the literal sense. But that was the price i had to pay. Now would you think me silly? I guess so. I am rather surprised at myself and i guess if i could kick myself in the ass i would do it.
Linking back to my past postings, i guess i have a choice in everything that i do in life. Here, i made this one lousy choice, i can either feel real bad about it or make it the best i can. And i guess since i'm all spent, i might as well pay my dues and get my rewards. If i don't get my rewards, then i just take it as a lesson learnt. Yes. It might be a painful lesson, monetary and emotionally, however, remember that tomorrow is a new day. I guess you could take it as a lousy investment that failed. After all, the stock market crashes every once in a while. Not all investments make you money, not all funds are safe and most of all, not everything can be measured in monetary sense. Right?

When tomorrow comes

Went retail therapy once again. Actually this is getting kinda excessive and ridiculous. I mean how can one person go for retail therapy so many times in a space of one month. Its costing considerable amounts of money and for a jobless person, CRAZY. It's funny how a particular person's reaction or rather lack of reactions can cause such an adverse reaction out of me. ITs tough to verbalize exactly how i feel. The fact was that i felt like i had received positive feedback from this 1 person. But then again, it might have been wishful thinking on my part. But i guess the question that lingers in my mind is that why agree to something and then change your mind? And doesn't changing your mind warrant you to at least share that change with me? I dropped him an sms finally after him refusing to reply my sms or even call. Or even appearing on msn. Sighz. And that was that even if we didn't sleep together, we would still be friends.
Funny how one course of action or single act has relegated him to the status of the common man. He's no longer someone i feel is totally genuine and real. And that again, is a matter of perspective. At the end of the day, i feel that he is a honey tongued man, sweet lips, and charming man. And yet, like every species of his kind, runs away or a avoid at the first sign of uncertainty. How then could he be above the pack? And aren't we good enough friends to warrant some truths? I know no one wants to know the truth.. But rather then avoid, i would have chosen to tell the truth. But then again, that's me. And How far can a friendship go without truths? And then, if it didn't mean anything in the first place, am i being to naive to even believe his words? And maybe the friendship doesn't really matter in the first place.
I've come to realize that being hurt, upset and disappointed is part and parcel of any relationship and friendship. Whether it is a platonic friend, a lover, a fuck budyy, or anything of the above. It will eventually hurt if you give the person an opportunity to hurt you. More often then not, its when you feel that this time round it's gg to be different that you give the person the power and authority to hurt you. I'll be lying if i said i wasn't hurt by his actions. And yet, it's controllable hurt coz i know the stakes when i offered to play the game. I choose my own responses just like life is a matter of calculated risks.
Tomorrow when i wake, i have a new choice all over again. I have a choice of how to react to this incident. Do we go on as friends or do i not? I mean, we do meet each other at social gatherings, and i guss i can make that choice right not. We'll carry on being friends. That's what.
Today i shared with a friend a concept. The past is the past. It's only important to draw valuable lessons. However, it's the present that is important. And if we let the past paralyse us, then we are no different from a dead person. THe present is all that matters really. The present leads us one step closer to the future of our dreams. Doesn't matter if we make the right choice or wrong choice. The right choice brings us one step closer. The wrong choice, tomorrow when we wake, we have the choice of turning things around and making new choices to bring us back closer to the goal or dream we have in view. With that in mind, it really doesn't matter that things didn't turn out the way it was meant to coz tomorrow is a brand new day! For that, i'm happier.
Things never were so tough when we were younger coz everyday was a brand new day. For that i'm thankful too. Thankful that tomorrow brings new opportunities and therefore i will be thankful when i wake in the morning coz some people don't even get tomorrows, RIGHT? Cheers

Concepts and idealism

A friend spent the night talking to me the other day. And it was an interesting talk as i guess many people in life are idealistic. In an idealistic world, i would be in control all the time. Control of my time, my actions, the way i want things to turn out and basically how i want it to turn out. In an idealistic world, i would be earning big bucks, spending time doing charity work with children and spending a lot of time reading. And i guess since i am earning big bucks, i would not have to worry about the lack of money. However, it does seem that we're not living in an idealistic society. Yes. The truth is that we are in control of every aspect of our lives. In a certain fashion, and yet, there are lots of things that are beyond our control.
Met another friend on Monday and had a great talk to her. It felt good coz there were so many things to talk about, so many plans to make. The last time we made such comments was when i was 18. Time flies. She mentioned that i have changed. Changed in that i was now a lot happier. A reflection of how i was when i was 18. And yet, she knew that i had been hardened by a loss. And therefore, i would always be doing my best to not let any one enter my safe haven. Is she right? I guess.
Then, someone made this comment last night. Sometimes, when a person has the power to hurt you, its only because you give them that power. Or rather i gave them that power. So can i revert back that situation and make it seem like i don't need or want the person to hurt me, i guess i can. And yet, sometimes its harder then it seems. And yet, sometimes, you know for a fact that its just a matter of walking away.
I came up with this concept a couple of days back. That i make the choices and everyday is a brand new choice. And if we were to truly live in the present where the past does not matter and the future holds nothing, then basically, everyday of our lives can be idealistic. I mean think about this, if at this present moment, among the choices i have, i make the best use of my choices, haven't i already made the best of the world that i have? Interesting to me...
Anyway, people walk in and out of my life at such a rapid rate that sometimes i wonder what is it about people. I guess to a certain extent, maybe otheres are feeling the same about me. But there's nothing that i choose to do about it. I have also in time to come, notice that if i look at the positive intention behind every action, and how i can positively choose to react, then i will naturally become happier. Happiness btw is a concept. And therefore, how you want to define this concept is simply based on yoursself. Alright. Enough of this philosophical bullshit for one day. Till i write again...

One door closes another opens

A spate of events evenloped my life lately. Somehow, i feel that the events are going way too fast for my liking. I wish i had some say as to how fast or how slow i want things to happen. But, i guess is not a given entity. Anyway, why this topic? One door closes another opens? I guess its a matter of perception at the end of the day. Many things happen around us all the time. And the best people are not those that plan their life meticulously. But rather, those that are the most adaptable and flexible. A classic example is how the dinosaurs died.
Anyway, i'm damn glad that the people around me have been damn supportive. Last night i was just having this talk with this gal. She's extremely bothered about stuff. About how come people do not like her and people will not go out of their way to do things for her. She asked me how come with me, people tend to forgive me of my shortcomings and not for her. I seriously have no credible answer to give her. What can i say? I guess at the end of the day, its about diplomacy and playing the game the way it was meant to be played. And i shared that some times, although most of us don't like to play the game of life, we don't really have a choice in it at all. The choice is to make it to the top of the game and then you get to change the rules as and when you like.
Somehow, i don't think she was sold on the idea. I know i offered my help and advice to her as and when she needs it. But of course, i can finally see the problem. Although the rest have shared their experience of her with me, i have never taken it seriously. But i guess i know what the root of this problem is. She asks for opinions and she asks for feedback but seldom acts on them as she is too stuck in her own ideas. Until and unless she learns, nothing will change.
Well, back to me. Over the past few years, i've learnt valuable lessons, yet not acted on them. And i went into this constant cycle of going back to the drawing board ever so often that at this point of time, i seriously am panicking. I'm no longer the girl of 18 with all the time in the world. I want and need to make something for myself. And for that to happen, i must draw on all the lessons of my life that i've learnt. And make the best of my life. I'm not sure when the door will open or if it has already opened. I only know that i will DWIT and get it done.

Life and its cycle

Funny how it always takes something major to happen to jolt people out of their comfort zone and give people a wake up call. Obviously i'm not any different from the rest of the world. Or rather, majority of the world.
For a rather long time, i guess i've been feeling really emotional and needy. I'm not sure how to put it, but some time now, i always needed someone to be ard for me. There was a time when i needed a man to be around me to give me emotional support. And then i turned to older friends to be there for me to give me advice and knowledge. However, there was a part of me that longed for the kind of independence i had way before i met Guardian. Before i met Guardian, i was a lovable person still, just that i was never needy. And i guess that was the me i was looking for. i remember girl saying once that she missed the person that she knew all through sec. school. The very xiao1 sa3 person, the person who could literally pick it up and put it down. ( translated)
Well, i guess in some ways, the person is back. Somehow, i've learnt again to be more genuine to people without needing people to constantly reassure me and let me know that i was lovable. Somehow, i guess, now, i just know it, like i used to know it. Funny isn't it?
Anyway, i had a talk with Tour Guide recently. For all the things that we have talked about, i somehow feel like we are going around in circles. I guess it has to do with the fact that he has made up his mind about certain things and certain issues. If you think i'm stubborn, you should talk to this fellow man. We had a great talk incidentally and i guess albeit the fact that i really like him to a certain extent and i guess i would like to sleep with him, he will never be ready to sleep with me as he views sleeping with me as a commitment. Oh well, i've decided to drop the matter and just let it rest. He already knows what i want, and when he wants it, he'll come knocking. If i'm still interested then, then good. If not, then no lost anyway.
Yee ha.. thats the person i know about.. Ha.. guess that's why people loved me so much when i was younger.. I was so emotionally independent and sufficient that if people didn't like me, it was their lost.
I met Miss Tham last night actually. She wanted to know what had happened and she wanted to clear the air between us. I guess its just that she doesn't know me well enough to know that it really doesn't bug me and bother me. I do lots of self reflection most of the time. And i guess i don't really blame anyone for what has happened. Shit happens all the time. And therefore, if i cannot deal with it and i spend time brooding about it, i eventually lose out. coz time and tide waits for no man. she explained, i told her it was alright. She offered to keep a look out for me for a job. I said alright. And i left to watch a movie with my darling!
Anyway, met another person of interest today. He is Superman's friend. Nice fellow, a little too emotional, and a rather needy. Guess that's how it works for people who are rather introverted. Whatever the case, i think he's nice.
Met another person today. He's really been in and out of my life a lot. Not Guardian. Somehow, i love the fact that Oli and i have a connection. We both know that between us, we'll always remain as friends, and maybe fuck buddies, or lovers. But i guess somehow, he can sense that i've been kinda down and he just wants to be around for me.
You know, i guess i ain't all that bad after all. I mean, here are all these people that have shared a portion of my life with me before, and i know they all want to help. Or they just want to be around to give me support, and in their own simple ways, they've all helped. I don't need the reassuarance from them, and yet when they give, i know that i matter to them.
Oh yeah, forgot to add, to top off the list, i've once again reverted back to the role of aunt agony for some people in my life. I guess somehow, i feel most useful when i can help people and they appreciate me for that.
To go back to Tour Guide, i guess maybe i just lust for him. Or maybe i really do like him. Whatever the case, contrary to what he believes in, i know that emotions is not something we can control. And yet, we are both matured adults after all. And by default, i've also come to know that sometimes, a relationship, be it friendship, being a fuck buddy, lover or gf/bf doesn't work out. And as adults, its coz we have the capacity to reason and judge and therefore be able to walk away and not feel sore about it. It's a delusion that we have a friendship to begin with. We are only friends with each other coz i find him attractive. I guess maybe with all friendships, it begins this way. But surely, if i take him out of my life right now, i'll live. Then again, maybe so much has happened that i've also began to view things differently.
Surely i have. For i know now that i do have choices in life. And i can make things happen. But at the end of the day, someone told me this once. Choose your battles wisely. You don't have to fight every single battle. He's not one battle that i want to fight. Maybe coz i really feel like i don't have the strenght and energy to fight it. Or maybe its just that he doesn't interest me that much to begin with. If a person cannot see past himself, why would i want to put myself through that agony? I spent 9 years of my life reassuring one man in my life. I refuse to spend the next few years, reassuring another man. After all, i'm only young once and i deserve so much more...

Its not the same anymore

When we were kids.. we would say to our friends, lets be Friends Forever and sometimes, we don't really mean it, not because we are unkind or mean but we were too young to really understand the meaning of being someone's friend and being there for that person. As we grow older, we begin to understand the meaning of the two words, its not as simple as they sound or they use to be. Its about supporting someone mentally, emotionally and being there each time they need someone to talk to. I found that over the years, there are a few people in my life that I truly call friends and there are some people that i know i can count on when I am feeling like a piece of shit or when the shit hits the fan.
I have a friend whom I know for 13 years, we use to be really really close, we will talk on the phone everyday and we will update each other on the slightest and newest news / gossip. As we grew older, Keeping in touch proved to be difficult but I made all possible efforts. We remained close. To a certain point, I felt that it was I who was maintaining the friendship and keeping the communications between the two of us. Last night, I thought of something not quite pleasant and I realised that the old me would run to the phone and call my friend. Instead, I found myself not wanting to go near the phone. It became really apparent that 'its just not the same anymore'. Its sad... But people grow and people change...
Then I thought of the other close friend I have in my life and I realised that even not meeting them for weeks does not change the fact that we are still there for each other. Some of my closest friends are not even in the same country as I am ! For that, I am really thankful, for that, I wish that our friendship will grow stronger with each year.
Then i thought of another friend. Someone i met in the recent history and i realised that the dynamics were all wrong. How can there be wrong or right in a friendship? Silly me, and yet, i found it hilarious that i went to this friend when i first found out that i was losing my job. Someone i viewed as a close friend, did nothing to make me feel better. Maybe its the difference in gender?
What is it about the people that we meet after we leave school? I tend to think that the best friends we made were those we made as friends from school. Things didn't use to be as complicated, there weren't that many commitments and there weren't that many obstacles in a friendship. I guess ignorance is bliss. Or that was what was meant by it. Over the years, people come and people go. Its stop affecting me as i rationalize it away. Friends are people that walk a particular path with you. And sometimes, at some point, they will just have to walk their own path and i would have to walk mine. And i asked myself this question today. If a friend needs to walk his/her path, then it is their calling. Should i feel sad, i guess maybe. But in the greater scheme of things, its for their best and thats what friends often say to each other.
Had a small gathering this evening with the girls from secondary school. Each has become more successful then when they were in school. Somehow, i cannot stop that question from creeping into my mind. What happened to me?

The realization of one being emotionally unavailable

So much has happened over the past two weeks. I've learnt one lesson at least. That i am currently emotionally unavailable. Where the hell did that come from? Well, i guess i reach back to a part of me that i once knew so well. And i know that i cannot verbalise in words how i feel at this point of time. Isn't it funny just how a simple thing seems so difficult? For someone who is so articulate in English, this is a joke. But, for the life of me, i cannot find the words to express how i feel. And therefore, i have chosen not to share with anyone about how i feel.
Now, something interesting happened today that sparked of a series of thoughts. I left this title topic on my msn and someone identified with that topic. Now, is it my bloody problem that you identified with it? It merely means a person is in a similar state. Somehow when posed with a statement someone made, for one of those rare incidences, i did not even bother to fight it. I know me, most times, i would fight to drive home my point or even seek to understand why a person would even come up with such a statement. Today, i guess i just didn't have it. Have i lost my fighting spirit? Maybe. Or maybe its just that so much has happened recently that i just don't have the energy and willpower to go on fighting.
Superman talked to me just two nights ago, going through again with me just why i would even consider coming back to this company that has asked me to leave although i really put in so much effort. From my memory, this was the first time i ever told him halfway through our conversation that i wanted to put down the phone and i didn't want to talk any longer. Why is that so? I realised then that my defence mechanism has set in.
Since i was young, it has been a habit for me i guess. And that was why i never made it a point to get close to a person or even had that will and desire to allow people into the inner circle of my heart. Sure i had lots of close friends. Friends that just wanted to be ard me and even people who thought i was a sunshine girl coz i was happy all the time. For me, i could merely compartmentalize all my actions from my emotions. And i think that was what made me who i was when i was growing up. And thus, since young, i cannot think of feeling really sad as i've never allowed my emotions to flow through in the first place. That was what kept me safe. It wasn't that i didn't trust people. It was just that i was self sufficient.
Now, years later, i finally realise that i am still that person. It just that for a while, i decided to change who i was coz i thought it was nicer to be emotionally available. But these two weeks have been so trying that i know that when times are back, the original self kicks in.
Today, someone made a statement. He said he knew for sure that i would expect and demand more from him in time to come. Little does he know that i really do want nothing from him. To put it bluntly, i have no time and energy for someone else's insecurities. He reminds me of this guy in college. Now looking back, i guess i was sort of mean to that guy. I told him i have no time to deal with what you feel, think and do. Then again, at that point in my life, i really didn't need anyone around. I had all the things i needed from myself. Either that or i was busy persuing something that i really wanted. Right now, at this juncture, i feel the same way.
It never would have worked out coz i made up my mind that it would never work out. Can i then make up my mind that i don't care? I guess only time will tell. And maybe in the greater scheme of things, not caring is merely my defence mechanism kicking in when it senses impending disappointment.

What if?

What if i had put in more effort at school
What if i had carried on doing sports
What if i had never gotten together with James
What if i had ended the relationship when it should
What if i had never committed suicide
What if i had done more in my jobs
What if i had never pissed her off
What if i had never gotten close to her in the first place
What if i had left James when i knew he was wrong for me
What if i had chosen to be with Louis instead
What if i had not worm my emotions on my face
What if i had finished university
What if i had carried on being a teacher
What if i had done well enough to go to law school
What if i had never shoplifted
What if i had never been such a strong headed person wearing a mask
What if i had valued money more
What if i had not given in to my urges and peer pressure
WHat if i had been more responsible in school
What if i had stuck to my guns to pursue the dreams that i had
What if i had been a lot closer and nicer to mum
What if i had given my best to everything that i did
What if i had lived my life like it was the last day of my life
What if i had not let life jaded me and make me cynical
What if i figured out what my baggage is and let it go
What if i had more discipline

What if i knew what i was doing
What if i knew what my calling in life
What if i knew what my destiny held for me
What if i knew how to get across to people and let them see my view
What if i managed to tap into people's mind and see it from their point of view
What if i could empathise with people more
What if i have no restrictions
What if i had no baggage
What if i knew what my baggage is and manage to drop it
What if i was sure about my stuff
What if i was sure about the stuff i was unsure of and did something about it
What if i can change things to my way what would i do
What if i manage to live life to the fullest.. Would there not be this what if list????

The debating team

Well, i guess with the whole sequence of events, i cannot or rather i refuse to even share how i feel. Or merely coz i really dun know how i feel. I know it was a sad day. It was meant to be with all the things that had happened. I know i felt upset. And yet i know, it went away as swiftly as it came.
It took me a long time to believe again. And now, i guess i don't anymore. Whats the point of walking out of thinking that it was a position sealed when i walked away less then a week later with nothing. No expectations, no disappointments.
Why tell me that i'm the best for the job and take it all away?
And why never share with me how u feel about the direction i was taking when you could have said something and i would have stopped and changed?
Or even walk in the direction that i was supposed to go?
Whats this about the company expanding too fast to not allow me more time for trial and error?
Why is it when you felt that i was not suited for the job, never voice it out at all to me?
What made you think that if you didn't say anything i would know that i was going in the wrong direction and that i would figure it out on my own?
Why do you have coaches in your programs?
Isn't that what a coach or mentor does?
To constantly guide or steer you in the correct direction?
Why did you choose to keep mum everytime i asked if it was alright and oki?
So many whys, so little answers.

Coz you came highly recommended and i thought you would figure it out in due time. So why didn't you even give me a chance of getting it right? Had you opened your mouth, i might have gone in that direction you wanted or were looking towards instead of figuring it out on my own.

If i can't even get a simple job done, how then can i do greater things in life?
If i am not meant for the job, why let me through all the stages of the auditions?
Do i come back and coach and would your perspective of me ever change?
Do i have a point to prove and will i be able to prove it?
After i've proven it then what next?
Will i ever find another job that pays me the same or even more and allow me to grow and yet have someone to mentor me while i am at it?
Was i ever any good to start off with?

Too many questions. Mind's exploding. If i didn't take the step to being a trainer, i would not have been disappointed. I should have kept things at status quo. Another reason to keep things as it is. Why was i greedy? And is this the price i have to pay?

I worry coz i know it took a damn long time to start believing. I don't believe anymore. And i don't want to share what i feel with people again. Coz i know damn sure it hurts. Or it is meant to hurt. You ask me how i feel, I tell you i feel nothing. Maybe a tinge of disappointment. Not with the people involved. But with myself.

At this juncture, i guess all bets are off. There goes my holiday to Hong Kong. There goes disneyland. I cannot share how i feel, coz i don't know how to feel. Or maybe coz i choose this way. Do i deserve to be happy?