Oh.. Its Monday again

Another week has flown by. And yes, its Monday again. Nothing interesting to report. Went to office. Went to help Superman. Went for swim training that i quit on myself again. Did, 300 warm up, 2*200 (4.02, 4.09) 3*250 (5.25,6.09,5.22), 2*25 sprint, 25 easy. Cool down 100. My 3rd set is usually my make or break i just realise. If i don't push in the 3rd set, then my 4th set is usually a DNF or shitty timing. Took hell lot to finish the 5th set. And i had to alternate breastroke in the 4th and 5th set. Even one of the life guards commented that i was struggling from the 3rd set onwards. And i can confirm its really what goes on in my brain. As long as my brain doesn't make noise, i sure as hell can finish. Only when i have doubts the the tiredness sets in and i don't push as hard anymore. My gf overtook me in the last 3 sets. The 5th set was only decent coz i told myself that i was going to draft her all the way. And if this is what my training is going to be like for the next couple of weeks, then i know i am so going to suffer on race day.
Met Guardian after swimming to go JB to have dinner and pump petrol. I know.. What was i thinking of. I could come up with a million and one excuses like why i met him.. Like was going to take back my helmet, and my oakley shades. But i know best. And they are merely excuses. Anyway, he was super duper sweet to me. Maybe coz he's worried too.
Anyway, not going to be blogging for the next couple of days. Will be back on Saturday! =)
Till then, take care u all!

My 2nd weekend of the new year

Woke up on Saturday morning, looking forward to the session at Sentosa. Got there, did 6 laps of Tanjong Beach which i'm assuming is about 2.4km and then went for a 4km run. Easy pace. Showered, went for lunch with some of the trifam people, before heading to pay for the water fiesta that i'm taking part in. Saw the running route for that day. Damn... It is 12 rounds in the track. Before the race, i'll go do a short session. But i so hate running distance at the track. So boring.
Came home, then got convinced to go out with the parents to Tangs to buy stuff and since my original intention was to take a nap before going to Taka, i thought why not. So basically spent the whole day shopping, then going for a seafood dinner (YUMMY) and then off to Ridgewood Close for haato icecream. Brought the parents there for the first time and they seem to like it. You know how i like these out of the way cosy places. And the reason why i go to these places is coz i don't really like crowds. But it seems like many of these out of the way places are starting to pack up with people. Damn...
Reached home at about 11 and decided to hit the sack. Didn't realise how tired i really was. When i hit the sack, i still had not decided if i was going to go for the long run this morning. And i didn't in the end. Woke up at about 5.30 this morning and felt super duper dehydrated. Apparently, the sun and sea and run took more out of me then i imagined. And so, i drank like half a bottle of water before deciding that i deserved to give myself a break. So, i went back to bed and woke up only not too long ago.
The rest of the agenda for this lazy Sunday would include, church, a meeting later in the afternoon and maybe if i'm up for it, a long slow run tonight. But not sure about the run yet coz its either i run tonight or tomorrow morning before work. But thinking more tonight so i can get some work done tomorrow. I'm quite bad at this juggling act and i can see my work falling behind... Anyway, that's about it for the weekend update. Will write more when i feel like it... Later...

A simple reason is reason enough?

I posted on the forum today asking people what was their reason and motivation for doing the triathlon and the IM. There have been many helpful people who have shared their personal stories. But it was one post that struck me.
All along, my belief is that completing a triathlon or IM was a really difficult task. And people do so because of a huge motivation/reason. I was amazed to find out that many people had simple reasons for doing something that i deemed to be rather difficult.
And after spending the whole day thinking about my reason for wanting to do the triathlon, i have finally found my answer. I think it all began in 1999 at the old SPE pool. Where i met uncle Tim. He had just graduated from SPE then. And in his uni days, he was actively playing rugby and doing triathlons. Actually, he was the reason why i was inspired to pick up rugby then. I remember having nothing much to do then, as i was waiting for my A level results and was single during that period too. So, everyday, i would take a bus to the old SPE to swim, then run or run then swim, have lunch, take a nap and hit the gym. And one day at the pool i met Uncle Tim. We started talking and started doing our swims, runs, lunch and gym sessions together and he encouraged me to do my first biathlon. But i never got down to it. I remember he said at that point of time that he felt that i was mentally quite weak. And after i had put my mind to it, and finished the biathlon, then i would realise that there was a lot more that i was capable of and i would finally be able to walk away from Guardian. Yes.. He was in my life for 3 years by then already!
I went to uni in July but never did a biathlon or triathlon. So, for many years now, its been on my to do list. So after one solid day of figuring it out, i guess my initial reason for doing the biathlon boils down to this two reason. One is coz i had nothing better to do then and i met Uncle Tim.(Peer Influence?) while the second is that i take completing a biathlon/triathlon/IM as being able to finally walk away from Guardian.
So, the question is, am i ready?

It all boils down to the word WHY

I didn't write before i slept last night, not because i was tired. Not because i was lazy. But coz i wanted some time to think. Went for training with some of the runners last night. We were doing easy track work as with Tuesday. Exact same workout. Only difference is there is a drop in timing. So, did 1200m warm up. Then 4*800m run. (4.45,4.50,4.51,DNF)
Basically that were the splits for each of the set. Why didn't i complete the last set? Well, my msn title says it all. Its all in the state of mind. In the middle of my fourth set, a question suddenly came into my mind and that was the end of my run. I asked myself, why was i doing this? The reason behind why i wanted to do a marathon or triathlon. Maybe it was coz i was tired during the run that i had no instant answers. But after a night of rest plus a easy swim just now, i still have no answers.
And the scary thing is, as long as i don't have an answer, i am so not motivated to train. And my mind keeps quitting on me.
So, the question to ask is WHY i decided to do a marathon and biathlon and triathlon this year?
I have a couple of ideas, but since i am rushing out for lunch appointment, i will update this later =)

Oki. Back from lunch appointment. Got the sales. Means some money for next week at least. But here's the contiunation in the morning. I woke up early and swam. Classification of swim would be, light, easy and basically not training. I'm not sure if i'm just exhausted from the trainings that i've been doing, or the lack of training this week and thats why the body is feeling quite lethargic. I guess i'm actually unsure if its tiredness or lethargy. Or that the more i question myself, the more unsure i am.
I'm doing my best to recall why i wanted to do a triathlon/biathlon, the marathon. But i can't seem to figure it out. Maybe it was like a follow up when i was younger. Like coz i ran and swam quite a bit, and it was a natural progression. Or maybe then, i always thought it was way cool to push myself to the limits and see how much i could take. Or maybe coz i just wanted to compete in any stuff that i could compete in at that point. But, now, i'm not so sure anymore. Why do i want to do it? It was in 2000 where i first found interest in the biathlon. Coz NUS organised one every year. But i never got down to doing it then coz i was already bz with track, netball, rugby. And not forgetting the 6 hall games i was involved in, 2 varsity sports, 2 national training squads. I think that was all the time i had then. And i was at my peak in my running and swimming then, and thus thought it would be easy to just combine the two.
Now, 8 years on, i would say i am as unfit as can be, and i am not sure why i want to put myself through it. Maybe i'll get some inspiration from others stories. But i think end of the day, i would first have to sort out my own feelings and thoughts before i can move on.
My current week training has been in the dumps.. And i'm feeling even more tired mentally coz i am constantly trying to convince myself and do the workouts. =(

Long slow run

Too lazy to update anything other then more problems at work meaning i still have no manager at this point of time. Do i follow my heart?
Did 6km in 54 mins. =9min/km which is damn blurdy slow. Need to up the pace but struggling between faster speed, then cannot run long distance. Versus, slower speed, run longer distance.
Answer= Dunno... confused.. will ask my running guru tomorrow. But he told me not to run today. But i forgot to swim. Then i realise tomorrow i have to be in ofc by 9, which means i can't swim. Damn

Haha

Woke up damn early. But sky looked horrible. So didn't run and didn't swim. i know its excuses. So went to work early instead.
But best part was, i didn't wake up to horrible aches in the calf and legs. So, my conclusion is, either yesterday's workout was just nice, too light or i'm getting better =)
Anyway, need to swim a little today. If not will never clock my 4 times swim this week. Its wednesday already and i've only done 1 swim.. damn

Short post

Short post coz its late and i'm damn tired!
Didn't do very much today. Didn't wake up for a swim. Woke up close to noon. Had 2 appointments that suddenly got cancelled. So, had the whole afternoon free. Was supposed to do some work or head back to office. But was so damn tired that i crawled right back into bed and slept the whole afternoon. Then went to run. Short session today. Ran 1.5km warm up, and then did 4*800m intervals. (5min, 5min 30s, 6 min, 6 min) with 1 min rest in between. Went for dinner and came home. Now i need to sleep again
Somehow i just feel the week did not start off right. Anyway, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day =)

Start of the week

It was a rather sombre start to the week. And if today was an indication of how the rest of the week would be, then can i wake up all over again?
Woke up late this morning. And it was only coz after i got home last night, i wanted to blog before going to bed. Should have gone straight to bed. Anyway, set the alarm at 7.30pm but only woke up at 9.30. Was running late coz had to be at the wake before 11. So i hurriedly showered and change and managed to get there by 10.30am. Said my last goodbyes to MC da ge, and couldn't help but cry. I know i will miss him dearly. One less friend to go karaoke with,eat steam boat with, make me laugh, teach me chinese. And basically cheer me up when i'm down.
Went back to office to get some work done after that before heading for swim training! I felt like i had a great workout today! Did 600m warm up, then 10*50m fist swim, and finished off with 10*100m swims. Did 100m cool down after that. The guy that gave us the workout, Dion was really helpful and shared with us some stuff about competitions and all. And today i learnt that drafting in a swim really does wonders. HA.. makes the swim a lot easier. But then again, i like drafted him for 3 strokes only. And he gave me a tip to work on for my own swims later this week. All in all a rather good workout!
Dead tired now though.. And thinking i need to go to bed. But, i just had dinner like an hour ago and sleeping so soon after eating isn't very healthy i suppose.
Anyway, i'm aiming to fit in a light swim session in the morning tomorrow. And then there is running training tomorrow night. Although i think i hate running at this point of time, no better time then now to build up on the fitness! So, hopefully, i will learn to like running more once my fitness level goes up!

The weekend and My thoughts

Woke up early on Saturday morning to go to Tanjong Beach for a swim and run. Wasn't very productive coz i didn't do the complete workout. In fact, i did less then what i did last week. But there was this new girl whom i buddied up with and she was not very confident in the water so stayed at the back to swim with her. Then by the time i finished 4 laps, the rest were done with their 8. I need to focus more and not get so distracted with others during the swims. But then, i feel like people have been helpful and supportive to me when i first started out swimming with them, and thus, feel this compelling need to help this girl out. Went for a short run after that. It was supposedly short, but i'm so not used to running. And the sun was up already by the time we were running and Man.. was i struggling. I know i really need to pound the pavement a lot more so that i wouldn't have this problem. 10km is no joke man. I cannot even last 5km solid without stopping. So, my aim for the coming week is to run at least 4 times and with each time lasting more then half hour. If i can do 1 solid hour, that would be ideal.
So after the morning workout, went for the usual lunch session with the rest and basically just sat around and chatted. It was peppered with jokes and gossip. But the best part of the session was probably all the experiences of those that have already been doing this sport for some time. It really is inspiring hearing their stories and motivating to learn how hard and how often they train.
Came home and slept for a while before heading to Kloudiia and Stuart's wedding party. It was an ok affair. Not the traditional sit down Chinese dinner. More like a reception. Met up with lots of coaches that i've missed. If anything, it felt more like a POE get together more then a wedding. And it was interesting how when the coaches get together, they will always be the more lively and energetic bunch. Think it has to do with the energy that we give each other. Of course when the music came on, it really really resembled the morning of day 1 of POE. Guess most of the coaches are really anchored to the music that is played at AKLTG. Or maybe its like a feel good thing for them. For me, the best part of it all was being able to catch up with friends that i have not seen in some time since i did not coach a single POE the whole of 2007. And also since i didn't go for the Chirstmas and New Year parties.
Had coffee after leaving the party with my two favourite coaches, YZ and Alvin. Yup. My superstar coach. Always feel really comfortable and great chatting with YZ. And it really is so cool that we haven't known each other for all that long but still i feel like we've been damn good friends for super duper long. And i never realised that Alvin could be such good company until like last night. I felt we were actually on the same frequency and it really has been some time since i found a friend that was quite in tune with me. I'm also damn glad to hear from him that he is so much happier in his job and his life in general. Quite different from the Alvin i first knew =)
Went back home, slept until noon before heading off to church. It was great to be back in church, and i know i struggled with GOD for a period of time and i'm still working things out. But i'm determined to sort out my relationship with GOD this year. Today i reflected on quite a bit of stuff during service. Maybe it was GOD's way of talking to me. For the longest of time, i was angry with GOD. And today, when i thought about it, i just realised how ridiculous i had been. I always pride myself in not blaming others for the decisions and choices that i make in life. And although i never blamed people in general, i had spent a really long time blaming GOD for the wrong choices i made. And i know any relationship that has been strained takes time to build up. But as long as i put in effort and am sincere, i'm sure my walk with GOD will only grow stronger!
After church, i spent the rest of the time at MC's funeral. I teared at the funeral at the point where they asked us to turn away from the coffin. The whole bunch of us sat at the table and we were just chatting about MC. And the last time i saw him was at Superman's birthday, where we went for dinner then headed to karaoke.
MC was always very positive and a joy to be with. Even when he was super tired after a long day of work and we dragged him out to party with us, he would still give his best to his friends. He would tease me and joke and kid. And i remember a couple of times where i finished work late and met up with the guys, and he would always say how come u look like you're so tired? We're out having fun, so just let go and have fun. And even when he was tired or had a long day, he would still make those around him laugh with his silly jokes and his comic actions. MC was really cool to hang out with.
Jamie was commenting at the wedding, remember how MC used to tease you non stop about TG everytime we were out together? MC didn't understand why i liked a guy who was old enought to be my dad. And yet, he gave me tips on how to attract TG, and edged me on when initially i was too shy to approach TG to talk to him. And whenever TG was chatting with some other chick when we were partying, MC would distract me with his jokes and make me laugh just so i'll feel better. Honestly, MC touched many people's lives. He always potrayed a happy-go-lucky attitude. We've known him to be extremely loving towards his mum and brother and also his friends.
Today, at the funeral, there were many people who turned up to pay their final respects. But what really pissed me off was that there were hordes of onlookers who actually stood around the wake and were gawking at the stars that came to pay their respects. Some of them stood for as long as 4 hrs. Don't these people have a life? Don't these people understand that family and friends have just lost someone close to them and just wanted to spend some time with him? Didn't they know that it was very disrespectful to be standing around and pointing? The worst was when some lady asked if MC had any special numbers to give them. WTF. And we had to very nicely explained to them that MC didn't buy 4D and would unlikely give anyone any numbers. Anyway, i was very irritated by some people who were standing behind where we were sitting and blocking the way and were gossiping non stop. ARGHHHHH... These people have no sense of decency!
But i guess what really troubled me at the end of the evening was, MC was outlived by his aged mum and a younger brother. He was the sole breadwinner of the family. And with his sudden death, how would his family cope without his income? He would have wanted his friends to make sure that his family was fine coz they were very important to him. And yet, his family is just like MC, would never want to trouble friends and ask for help. So, i know superman and wife, Mr Ye, Mr Goh would do everything in their capacity to help the family out. But whether they accept financial help remains to be seen. I know i have no financial means to help MC. But i will surely be praying for his mum and brother and i pray to GOD that he will watch over MC's family. I already miss MC da ge...

A low day on the whole

Call it 6th sense or what. But somehow, last night, i had a feeling today was going to be a lousy day. I'm not sure if its one of those chicken and egg theory. Like is it coz i thought it was going to be crappy and that's why the day turned out the way it did.
Woke up early wanting to swim. But the minute my legs touched the ground, i knew it was unlikely that i could do a good session today. And i was right. I'm still re running the whole swimming scene in my head coz i'm thinking whether i gave up or my body gave up. Anyway. did the usual 300 warm up. And it was already hurting. Did 2 sets, in way too slow timings. 7.15 and 7.20. Started on the 3rd set, but stopped after 200m. Had really bad stitches. I'm pretty certain its from the running yesterday. Though why i can't quite explain. Will probably research it. By then, my arms hurt, my legs felt like they could no longer move, although i'm pretty certain i was using different sets of muscles. And finally. another slow 300 and i was way way too tired to do anything. Legs still feel like lead.. not sure if i'll be able to do the sentosa session tomorrow.
After that dreadful swim, i rushed off to office for meeting. Of which due to the numerous changes in timings, i got the timing wrong and was late for the meeting. Didn't reflect very well on me i feel. But what's done cannot be undone. So no point brooding about it. And it was a lousy meeting, coz i felt like everything was already decided, and we were redundant there. Might as well have sent me an email informing me about the changes. Sometimes, i really wonder whether it's just my definition of discussion that differs from the world or its just a nicer word to use in big companies. Ok. So after that horrid 'discussion', which took too long, had to rush off to meet the headhunter.
I made it just in time for that meeting. And things didn't turn out too well i guess. This i have no one to blame but myself. I was totally unprepared. She must have thought i was an idiot. But lucky for me, i get to meet up with her again. And so, in whatever time i have this weekend, i'm going to be cramming as much information as my head can take.
In the middle of the meeting, my phone rang. And oh so lucky again that the lady had just stepped out. And then i heard, 'Eh, have u heard any news?' Since i wasn't sure when the lady was coming back, i told the person on the phone, can u just get to the point, i'm actually in the middle of something. Then the person said, MC King died. And i remember telling the person.. 'it's not really a good time to joke.' And she asked if i had spoken to superman. And i did. Like we met yesterday only. And apparently, MC King passed away today. So i carried on till the end of the meeting, walked out and called Superman. And he sounded bad. And like i know they were really close....
So, that got me thinking, life is so unpredictable at times. MC was like 40. And that's just like 12 years older then me. And i remember in all the times we were all out together, he never failed to make me laugh. He was always a joy to have around. And not forgetting he didn't smoke, didn't drink. He was working out for the last 1 year to lose weight and keep fit. Hell, the guy was fantastic if u ask me. I'm going to miss him lots. Just seems funny. I'm going to miss him give me a wardrobe makeover. Teasing me incessantly about TG. The crazy comments and jokes he cracked every time we were out. Always having a positive attitude and his favourite line every time we went out.. Why must it always be at such a noisy, smoky place. Why can't we simply do dinner and coffee...
Well, i'll miss him. As i'm sure many others who have seen his shows and sort of grown up with him. Like what Superman said earlier,

Here's to you MC: Death separates a life not a relationship. Your existence has brighten up many people's life and we'll always remember you for that. Rest in peace!

Frankly, i'm a little disheartened

I know that when it comes to swimming and running, or anything that is fitness related, it generally takes a lot of mileage to get the fitness level up and to be able to do either comfortably. But somehow, when i went for the long run today, i was really really quite disheartened. Nevermind like everyone was running in front of me and that has so not happened in my life before. Nevermind that i cut short my distance and didn't do the full workout. But it was the fact that i felt like i couldn't keep up and somehow, i doubt that i gave it my all. And not forgetting i stopped and walk a couple of times and then there was the stitch, and then i was still at the back of the pack. And worse of all, my calf muscle hurts like hell.
So now i'm in a dilemma. If i run, then my calf hurts. And swimming is a lot easier on the body. So, if i want to swim, then i might have to forgo some running. Aiya.. i dun know lah.. Its irritating me.
Anyway, normal day. Met a friend for lunch, then went to sentosa for a meeting which i felt i didn't even need to be there. Then went for the run, before meeting with a client at 11pm to sign switching forms. So all in all, i think it was a rather fruitful day.
Anyway, i've just been feeling a little grumpy. I don't even really know why. Or maybe i do.. But i was so hoping that it wasn't gg to be the reason. Oh yeah, i think i can still improve on the discipline part. Woke up at 8 in the morning but didn't hit the pool. Damn.. Will see how i feel tomorrow morning after today's rather long run that my calf is still screaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saying goodbye

I hate saying goodbyes. The movers came in today and took everything out of office. It was too much for me. I went off before everything and everyone was gone. And it is becoming a pattern where i come into an empty office. I don't feel good about it coz i've always been a people person and it just seems so wrong to have an office without a trace of human life in it.
On the good side, i did like my own time trial today for my 1500. Did it in 38min 58sec. Which is like 39min. But i guess i feel better now about the actual time trial next week. Going to call tomorrow to book for it. But from now till next week, i hope to bring it down to 35min. Need a slightly bigger buffer to feel better. But still, i think it was a pretty good effort. I sort of have a love hate thing going on with this guy. Its actually his words that made me think i could do it within 40mins. And yet, when i excitedly told him i did it, he was quite a wet blanket. Anyhow, maybe its his way of stirring me to better my own timings and achievements. But i still think i deserve a pat on the back, because i know if i really did, and will not let someone else dictate whether it was a good effort or not.
Met two old time friends today. One for lunch, and the other for coffee after dinner. It was nice catching up and just chatting. Then pop back into office to check if my cases were settled. They weren't. Before heading for dinner with another friend. Spent a while chatting.
All in all, it was just another day. But it feels good to be out meeting people and basically having a life. Oh.. Guardian texted again today. Not sure if it is becoming a habit or it is his way of telling me he needs me. I did ask if everything was fine, and he said it was. So, will leave it at that. Tired and want to rest early coz i have a long day tomorrow. Need to go Sentosa for technical meeting and want to squeeze in lunch appointment tomorrow too.
Plus i would like to swim and i will be meeting the running group for the first time tomorrow. Pretty excited about that really.. hee

First day of 2008

I somehow think the small fonts are way too small, so have decided to stick to the normal fonts. Hee
How did i spend the first day of this brand new year?
I woke up pretty early i think. Had good rest the night before because i didn't party. Its this healthy lifestyle thing that i'm aiming for. But not sure how long more it will last. Haa
Anyway, i went for a swim in the morning and was rather surprised that the pool was actually quite devoid of people. Was thinking that it would be crowded being a public holiday and all, but i was wrong. Practically had the whole competition pool to myself. And it was great. Did the same set of workout that i'm trying to improve on. Did 1*300 warm up, then 5*300. Wanted to do 6 sets actually coz i think i need to increase the mileage that i'm putting in currently. But i am having a tough time balancing distance or speed as my fitness level is still not there yet. Please dun ask me what is there.. coz i'm not too sure myself. But i'm sure when i'm there, i'll know. Anyway, did 7.02, 7.09, 7.15, 7.12 and 7.11 for the sets. So i'm still off my targets except for the first set. But truth be told, today my target was to shave off 15s from the previous workout. So i did it and deserve a pat on the back! Anyway will work on the current pace for a week before shaving off another 15s next week. But time trials are next week for me already so i really have to work harder.
After the workout, i went for a mtg with superman and gang to prepare for our Sentosa event. But i think it was a rather silly meeting coz i was the one who prepared the schedule and therefore there was no need for me to be there. Felt i should have voiced it out and gone for trifam's sentosa brick training. Would have benefitted more. And speaking of brick, i really need to start running. Damn.. Not putting in enough mileage for the runs. Gonna suffer on race day. And as someone said to me, better to suffer now then suffer on race day.
Anyway, after the meeting, i went to meet a couple of clients to sign some forms before heading home to meet Oli for kopi. He damn cute.. say want to pick me up, then came in his new car. Dunno who was more excited.. Haa.. But its nice. And we were chatting and he was asking me about Guardian, when Guardian called.. Speak of the devil. Anyway, Guardian called to wish me Happy new year. In his words, he said, every year, he would call his closer friends to wish them happy new year rather then just sms. So i said judging by the time he called me, i am pretty far down the list. We chatted a little before he had to go back to work. He always has a way of tugging on my heartstrings. But, i still think we're better off being friends.
Anyway, had coffee and back home. Want to rest some before waking up to do a swim session before going for lunch appointment.
But, all in all, i pretty much enjoyed today. Felt pretty productive. Plus two of the clients i met today mentioned that they were keen to do a top up into their investment. So i guess thats great news for me on the first day of the new year. More More More to come i'm sure! Yeah.. 2008 is looking up!

New Year Resolutions 2008

Well, after thinking all night, here are the list of things that i want to get done fin 2008

1) Attend Church at least once a week be it cell group meeting or church church...
Fix a time to go to church rather then say i'll decide every Sunday morning

2) Quit smoking. Effective date is 1Jan 2008
No action plan other then to stop buying cigarettes

3) Complete the Osim Triathlon and Standard Chartered Marathon and Masters Swimming.
Swim with Trifam on Mondays and Saturdays if there is swimming. Run on Tue and Thur evenings
On top of the above, have to clock both swimming and running mileage on other days. Target is to swim at least 3 times a week and run 3 times a week.
Go for spin classes before buying my new bike.
After the Triathlon, can start running at least 5 times a week to train up for the Marathon.

4) Attain Elite Club Gold in HSBC. S$66,000 AFYC
Consistent work throughout the year with S$5500 AFYC per month.

5) Take all relevant papers, M1,2,3,4,6,7 before June 2008
Take an exam every month.

6) Apply to do a diploma in April 2008
No action plan. Just need to remember to register

7) Spend more time with loved ones aka family.
Have dinner with all members of family at least once a month.

8) Learn diving before end 2008.
No action plan on this, still looking for diving kakis. But this will constitute 1 holiday trip... Ekk

9) Take a trip to one other place this year. Not diving trip and not Hong Kong. Any other place
Places that i'm keen on gg.. Vietnam? Perth? Cambodia? India?

10) De-clutter room and ofc space at least once a month.

Alright! Here are my New Year Resolutions for 2008. The easiest of course is no. 7. I'm sure some of you will say i've cheated and that's not really a resolution. But kinda tough to have dinner with everyone present means i have to have dinner 3 different times a month manz =P
Eh, no more losing weight shit, coz i figured if i give up smoking and i'm running and swimming at least 3 times a week and i'm still not losing weight, then i dun know if anything else will help. Anyway, this should all see my health going back up and me getting healthier.
The studies and school part is way overdue. So i really need to sort it out before the end of the year. I'm hitting 30 real soon,. Damn
I think the hardest for me is still no. 1 and 2. Always want to laze in bed on a Sunday and not go to church and for smoking.. Sighz.. but i'll do my best to keep them.. Hee

The whole week on the whole

Had my first sea swim today when i met up with the ppl from trifam to do a morning swim. It was an easy swim compared to the super tiring workout we did the last time at the pool. But i guess main difference is also, i'm a little more used to swimming now although i'm sure my strokes can be corrected further to achieve more glide and speed.
Swam the day before and was damn worried that my arms would ache like crazy or hurt and would not be able to complete the swim today. But it was cool. Quite relax and leisurely really!
Met up with TG just before Christmas! Exchanged pressies. Had no idea what to get for him this year, so just bought him the ipod nano that he mentioned that he might like. He got me a really cute gift. There's something about his choice of presents. But the card and what he wrote in the card was soooo superly duperly sweet. And he was rather tickled that i was so crazy abt the card. =)
Met Guardian on the eve of Christmas as well. He said he bought me a Christmas pressie and wanted to pass it to me. I didn't get him anything this year, so just met picked up the present and left. But it pulled on my heartstrings... We met 11 years ago on Christmas eve... sigh.. It seems like just yesterday when it was 1996 Christmas eve.. Except i'm a lot older now...
Jin texted me on Christmas. I know its just an sms. But it meant a lot to me!
Didn't do much on Christmas eve either, hung out with Superman and gang and did what we did best. Partying. Didn't drink much coz was not in a drinking mood. Ever since i started exercising again, i'm beginning to feel the cigarettes and the alcohol has to go.
Met some old friends today as well as the movie gala.. It was nice to see familiar faces and also to catch up and chit chat. Nice to see some of the people i've coached before, the acad people more then the POE people really.. hee But of course, there were lots of old school ppl that didn't turn up too. It would have been nice if everyone did. But will see them at the wedding next sat i guess!
Eh.. think that's about all the update. No one new in my life. Kinda tot there was this guy that was rather cool. But my gut feel is that he's simply not interested and i'm not gg to waste my time. And i always think its not fair to go into anything when i still think about Guardian. Hey, i'm not so strong. I'm rather emotional too and i sometimes lie in bed and miss Guardian.
I know this is a lousy post, but its just meant to be an update. I'm distracted coz i'm working on my New Year Resolutions.
Oh, forgot, had a mini farewell on the 28th. It was a simple affair, but i think i was the only one who wanted to cry. Of course i didn't... dun be ridiculous. But for a moment, it really felt like the gates were going to open. Then when the day was feeling all gloomy and grumpy, Serene called to say she was mtg up with Wen for coffee. And it was really nice coz secondary school friends are still the best. Serene is getting married! Hee So happy for her. And Wen is finally seeing someone. Which is great! And guess what, we bumped into some others KJ and company at 2am desserts. Mtg KJ for lunch next week. Looking forward to that too. Haven't seen her for the past year due to work!
Eh.. i think thats all. Shit i realise i'm using the eh... thingee too much. Will update my new year resolutions later... Heading to the gym then to church then for coffee.. Later...

Year end round the corner

Year end is just round the corner! And somehow i am looking forward to it for the first time in many years! I am thinking of all the things that i want to do for 2008 and that i will be sure to get my ass off the bed/couch and get it done! I started this blog in Feb 2005 to vent some of my frustrations and also coz i felt like my life was quite a mess. Its been more then 2 years, and i think i've finally sorted it out!
Guardian and i, broke it off for good a month back. And i would be lying if i said that i didn't still miss him! But, for the first time, in the 10 years that we've broken off, gotten back together, this is truly the first time that i felt it would be the last. We've both betrayed each other and somehow i don't think it'll work out any longer. Maybe as i grow older, i find it harder to look past the flaws and give him another chance. I sincerely wish him the best as i would he say, he was that one person that spent a really long time of my life with me.
Like i was saying, this is the first time after so long, that i'm really looking forward to life with renewed zest, passion. I have in mind 1 million and 1 things that i want to do, to accomplish. And i'm really so excited about it. I met an old school mate recently, and since i haven't really talked to her since secondary school, we had a nice time catching up. But it was one thing that she said about me that really surprised me. She said, i remember you in school and i was scared of you. You were like into everything. You were such a go-getter. Well, i know deep down in my heart, that the go-getter is still inside. Just lurking and waiting to get out!
Life in office has not been easy. Relationships have been a mess on the private. So with all these new changes and things that have happened recently, i am actually very pleased with how i've handled everything and the people around me! Of course, none of it would have happened without the support of my family and close friends. I'm thankful to GOD as well, for always showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. And i'm sure the coming new year, can only be better and will see me achieving more things!
For a long time now, i have not said this, but i say it now! Life is great! Everything happens for a reason and there is sure a silver lining to every cloud!
Cheers

Nice Quote

"....when you spend time-however brief-...with someone, you're bound to miss their presence at the very least, even if you know it was doomed in the long run." - Valerie-Anne Baglietto

The Circle of Life

I would not have thought that mankind in general is deceitful and unkind. On the contrary, i think otherwise. But recent events have me re evaluating my ideas of man, friends, and life in general. I believe things go in circles as there is meant to be a learning lesson in all this to make the next circle easier and more bearable. And if it is not for that purpose, then the reason is that one keeps going on in the same direction until a solution has been found to resolve the problem. And you move on to a bigger circle after that. Stepping out of your comfort zone to create that bigger circle? Maybe.
But one hard fact in life i've come to understand, is that life goes on no matter what happens. Unless the universe dies some how. I read somewhere of this statement that makes a lot of sense. The universe does not owe you a living. It was here first.
When everything has happened, take some time to grief about it, but give yourself a cut off date, to start moving on. The first couple of steps will not be easy, but i'm sure, once i start, it can and will only become easier!

Meet Joe Black

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

On relationships

"My own love-life's at a standstill right now. I think most of it, like what you've mentioned, comes from an insecurity--that my reading of vibes can so often be completely off the mark. And this is when non-reciprocity becomes the bitterest pill--because what has betrayed me is not the other (I seldom blame another person for misleading me), but myself, or more precisely, my own intuition. And when one realises one cannot trust one's own judgements, then the floor one stands on crumbles, and the feeling is one of pure vertigo. I guess this is what people mean when they say that dismay in love is one of the most traumatic disappointments available--simply because it exposes the gulf between two people's experiences of a single event."

A pattern

Every time he is absorbed with a new chick, he treats me like shit.. Fuck.. can't he even learn from past experiences?

Can there be a relationship without trust

There were always things that i felt a relationship should have or must have for it to grow and for it to be sustainable. And of course one of the key factors is this thing called trust. Besides trust, there are other things that i feel would make a relationship work, and communication being equally important.
For a long time now, i have known that these two are important factors that make a relationship work. I remembered when i had just started dating. And i always told my boyfriend then how important these two were. That we needed to trust each other and we needed to keep the communication lines open. Maybe i'll talk more about communication later. But my focus today is on trust.
How do you know you can trust someone? How do you know that the person that you are falling asleep next to every night does not have a secret life? Or another family? Or numerous mistresses outside? How do you trust someone new? How do you know? Well, i must say, at the start of any new relationship, there is always a matter of how much to trust a person. maybe i have had childlike faith all my life, and i believe that everyone is good until proven evil. And therefore, i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I'm not sure if i have mentioned it before. But there was once a long time ago where i would check one of my boyfriend's handphone for sms/calls. It bugged me a lot. Coz i was bothered that i could not trust him. I guess that was also because he had cheated on me a couple of times, and each time, he would come back and say he was sorry and it would never happen again. And time and again i relented. But after a while, i would start checking his call list and sms list. I didn't like what i had become, and needless to say, we have long broken up and are no longer seeing each other. We are not even friends today. And i guess that's also because i feel that any bridges that we had ever built were long burnt.
Today, i did the same thing again. I had the opportunity to see his handphone, and i went through the sms list. And true enough, i saw things that i would have rather not seen. What's a little harmless sms you might say? But to me, it really was a big deal. Whenever i'm with him, i feel that he brings out the worst in me. Its no excuse, but i know that this isn't right.
My idea of a relationship isn't like that. Two people come together to complement each other's life. To make each other strive to be better. And for that to happen, there must be a degree of trust in each other. for two people who get married, the wedding vows say, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.... If there is no trust in each other, how would you have the security that the person would not walk once there is tension or uncertainty? That the person would brave the storm with you? And for me, it boiled down to the fact that i could not even trust him when he is alone, or out with others, how then can i trust my future and my life in his hands? How then can we ever hope to build a future together?
Today's incident made me think of a couple of things.
1) I don't trust him any longer
2) He is capable of loving many women at any one time, and if i were to accept him, then i have to accept that i might not be the only woman in his life at any one time.
3) That i don't like myself when i am with him, and yet if i refuse to look deeper into our problems, i can have fun when i am out with him.
4) I was confused when i saw his sms to her saying he missed her.
5) I don't believe in him any longer
6) Its time to correct a 10 yr mistake and not dwell in it
7) Its time i made some decisions for myself and for my life rather then for him.
8) The mind is willing but the heart is weak....

I'm really confused

We had a long talk on msn just now. It started well, with me telling him how much i appreciate him coming down to look for me and being around while i was talking to his friend about insurance. And from there, we chatted a bit, before he told me he was meeting her for dinner. And he said there wasn't anything between them. And he didn't want to give me the wrong impression. And i made a comment like, aren't we supposed to be best friends, and really it doesn't matter what you do. You know the word that sums it all up, "whatever'
And i told him, with him, i don't have any confidence. Coz right now, he's only with me coz she hasn't given him the green light, and when she finally gives him the green light, i'm the one who would be left crying. For a long time, i've made a choice of not making any decisions and choices. And have given him the easy way back into my life each time we've broken off and tried to patch back.
There are so many things that i want to do. And i wanted a life with him. That much i knew when i was 17. I don't know where i went wrong along the way. But i do know that i told him on Sunday that i have nothing left to give him. I am emotionally drained. I am tired of being the one who gets hurt only coz i love him and don't want to hurt him. And i am scared that one day when i fall, there will be no one there, because it was all just an illusion. I told him that i was going to make a decision for the both of us coz he would never be able to make up his mind. Somehow i feel that our relationship cannot handle adversities because he is constantly changing his mind about things. And yet, i told him, we've gotten through so much only coz i am the one who is constantly giving in.
And yet, i am beginning to believe i have nothing left to give him. And since i have nothing left to give, then we are really better off as friends. He told me to give him some time to reach a conclusion.
It hurts to walk away. And yet, i know it makes more sense to walk away now, then another 10 yrs later when i would then have to admit that the last 20 yrs was a mistake, rather then admitting now that the last 10 yrs was a mistake. And i remember telling him, that when you love someone, you would do everything in your power to protect that person and make sure you don't hurt that person. And since he is constantly hurting me, then i am not that important to him or rather, he doesn't really love me. And what we have with each other is just years of 'friendship' and lots of familiarity. How do we know that we even love each other. How do i know he even loved me?
And then out of the blue, he says he is not going to meet her anymore coz he canceled on her and wanted to meet me tomorrow evening. But what can that achieve? He asked me if he came back, would i open my heart to him, value him and appreciate him? And that he is really considering all these factors now.
Truth is i cannot answer him coz i'm not sure myself. I know i will always have a soft spot for him. And yet, i don't know if i can ever trust this man with my heart ever again. To say he has hurt me more then once is an understatement. And i am not sure where i can go from here.
So i told him to go out with her, and go enjoy himself. And he said he didn't want to waste any more time. Neither do i. I feel like i'm hanging on to a lost cause. And that i remembered earlier on this year when i told him that this was the last time i was going to give him any chances. That if it didn't work out, that was it. And true enough,i allowed him to hurt me once again against my better judgement.
Maybe what TG told me was true. In order to move away from him, i need to stay away from him for some time first. And what if i feel at the end of it all, that i am not able to accept him. That i am unable to trust him again? Then would i then be wasting his time? I have no answers only lots of confusion...=(

Green eye monster came knocking

It was a generally great weekend. Saw Guardian on both days. But something happened while we were out to make me stop and think about stuff real hard. We were out on Sunday when she called. And although he was still sweet and all to me, i think the green eye monster came a knocking for a while. Soon after, i was fine. But it made me stop and think about how unstable our relationship was, or whether we even had a relationship. Now, she doesn't want him, and he claims he knows how much i love him and he treasures me, but just how long would it be, before a repeat of what happened 2 months back happens again?
We had a long talk that night, and yes, he is still the only man that can draw tears from my eyes. I told him, how little confidence i had in us, and just how tired i was. Emotionally tired. And i don't want to go through the same period where i am periodically wondering who sms him every time his hp beeps. Or who called. Or when he isn't by my side, is he with her?
Am i really someone he loves, or am i just a time filler, or a convenience stop. I think every time i am back with him, my self esteem takes a huge dip. I have no answers for him, merely the fact that there is so many uncertainties surrounding him. And i remember saying this once many many years ago, if he is really happier with someone else, i will take the initiative to walk away. And recently, i have been thinking whether its time to start living my own life rather then his, and walk away.
I remember this show which i really liked. "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking to be loved"

Ramblings

What a crazy month the whole of August has turned out to be. Didn't help that i had a bad patch in sales and was feeling real down as well. Oh well, life goes on as they say.
Anyway, past couple of days have been easy on me. And i am beginning to come to terms that sometimes in life, you can't force your hand on certain things. And, maybe that is what i really need to seriously accept that so things will seem easier to bear.
Guardian and that new girl aren't working out. And he has been sort of knocking on my door. Then again, i don't believe my door was ever closed. Of course the thought and fear that lingers on in my mind is, what if it works out one day? Where does that leave me? A friend of mine told me to accept this and just take it that we are just FRIENDS. Not in the loose term of the word that i have come to use with regards to him. But really just friends. And take everything with a pinch of salt. With Guardian, its always tough. Or maybe coz my heart thinks its tough and therefore it is tough.
On a lighter note, met up with TG for dinner last night. Interesting thing was that he texted me. After the last incident with him going out Superman and Guardian seeing him in Singapore when he claimed he was in HK, i have lost my confidence in him. Or rather, i feel a little betrayed. And thus, i find no need in me calling him or texting him to ask him where or how he is. The answer might just be a lie. So why bother. We had a decent dinner, nothing fancy. Not japanese food this time round, and that means i haven't had japanese food for the last 60 days. Ouch
Had a little superficial conversation before he told me that he was back for a day last month, during his birthday week. I faked ignorance and brushed it off when he told me. After all, he was back for more then just a day. But on the whole, we had a decent date, if you take aside the fact that i was less myself coz i didn't feel like i could trust him very much any longer. For some time now, he has been my confidant and also someone i look to for support, ideas and suggestions. If i put my feelings for him aside, i guess he is still a nice enough person to fulfill the above criteria. And yet, i guess in my own way, i feel a bit more for him, or rather i treat him not so much of a mentor but like a friend and i dislike having people lie to me.
But, he still is an extremely charming man and i was a little moved. He texted me after he dropped me off but i am taking it all with a pinch of salt.
With all that said, my target amt of sales for this month is AFYC 12k. So i will be working my ass off for it. That also means earlier nights with less time to blog =P

An Inspiration for the new month

"If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but you think you can't,
It is almost certain you won't."

"If you think you'll lose, you're lost
For out of the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will
It's all in the state of mind."

"If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize."

"Life's battles don't always go
the the stronger or faster man,
But sonner or later the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can!"

Thought of the day

Nothing lasts forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, take chances and never have regrets.. because.. at one point, everything you did was exactly what you wanted.

The Man in the Glass - Dale Wimbrow

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend

You may fool the whole world, down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass

Day Six

After the horrible night last night, i remember why i told myself to control the amount i drink. Coz the feeling of being pissed, is disgusting.
He hasn't called or texted me after his 'attitude' behaviour and comments yesterday. A couple of times, i relented and wanted to ask him if he was feeling any better or if he was oki. But, i did sms him a couple of times yesterday, and since he is irresponsible, he has not replied to any of them, knowing i would be upset and worried sick about him. I am almost on the verge of giving up. I see this pattern repeating over and over again and i am so damn tired of it.
And funny thing is, i have begun suppressing some 'angry' and 'hateful' feelings. Which is good i think...

Day Five

My meeting ended at 2am. And i went to meet up with Superman and gang. I needed some form of release after our horrible msn session this afternoon and the comments that some of my colleagues made. I feel horrible. I wish he was there for me. But maybe coz he is in a bad mood, he hasn't replied any of my msn or sms. I miss him. And it is times like this where i wish he was around.
met an old friend partying. Its been eons since we met up.. really looking forward to meeting up for coffee.
Too damn drunk to type anythings useful. But i know i miss him and yet i feel horrible at the same time. How can that be?

Day Five

I know that when i give my power away, i am powerless. And i know better then to give my own power away. And yet with Guardian, sometimes i feel like i cannot control over how much power he takes from me. Saw him on msn briefly for a short while. He was grumpy and moody. Most likely coz of icequeen. And of course he was curt and short with me. I was hurt. Should we believe more in the power of the words or the power of the actions? As in, do the words that come out of his mouth count more or the actions that count more? Which matters more?
You have claimed that you still love me. And that you care? But how much do you care? Do you ever stop and think that i might be hurt? That your words could potentially hurt me? That your actions could potentially be driving me to the very edge?
Maybe i am a silly monkey after all. I constantly choose to believe what comes out of your mouth and carry on loving you. And, all i can say at this point is i'm dead tired. Tired.. tired... tired..

Day Four/Five

I finally had a long chat with him today on msn. I guess i've been avoiding it coz i have some answers in my head and i dunno whether i want to find out the truth. We talked for a v long time and maybe its sort of a closure for me. Like i said before, i don't doubt that he cares for me. I'm just not sure that he loves me. And maybe that's the sad thing. I know i will always love him. Or rather he will always occupy a special place in my heart. And yet, i know i cannot go on like this forever. It is way too tough and way too torturous.
He told me he still loves me. Just that his attention has now been diverted to this girl. Sometimes i ask myself, do i ever factor into the equation? Where do i stand in all this?
He spoke to me about fate and about all things being predestined. Maybe, that is the part i cannot change or have no control about. But i believe that some things, you have to work for them in life. Maybe you are are meant to strike TOTO. But you have to make the effort to go buy the ticket in the first place. So if you are a firm believer in destiny and fate, then i remember in one of my past postings, i wrote before, since its destined, then there is no need to work for your food and shelter. After all, if you are not meant to starve and die, then something will happen and you will miraculously have food.
Maybe i think, somethings in life happen for a reason, maybe somethings in life are not meant to happen. But ultimately, its about the amount of effort you put into things. But i guess i have a first hand example to back me up. Relationships fall into a totally different category altogether. Takes two hands to clap, one had to slap. N i am sure i am already an expert in this.
Well, for all its worth, i hope he stays happy. He doesn't know it, but it breaks my heart and hurts me when i know he has been hurt. I told him earlier that maybe that is what unconditional love is. It's your parents love to you. Or like GOD's love for us. That even if we have failed them time and again, they still love us despite our flaws. And somehow that is still how i view love and how i care for him. But i also know that one day, i really must move on. That until i move out of his shadow and dim my love for him, my heart cannot have another. And bro asked me this. Do i want to settle down and have a family? Or do i want to spend the rest of my life waiting for him? I really don't know.

Anyway, TG texted me today. Said he would be back next Monday and ask to go out on Tuesday. I owe him his birthday present and his birthday dinner.
See here's the weird part, i cannot forgive TG for cheating and lying to me, and yet i condone it when Guardian does it? Why?

One other point, the most expensive top i own is now from CK @$299. Nice cheer up present. Thanks for buying it for me. =)

Day Four

Another day has passed. And i sometimes i wish i am like others, who can find anger and hatred for the men that break up with them or cheat on them. But somehow, i cannot. Someone i spoke to mentioned that i'm such a traditionalist. If there was such a word. And that i am still deeply in love with Guardian despite all that has happened between us. I don't think he is wrong. Its just that i've made up mind about things and i really want to stick to my decision. Went to taka with Boss earlier. We just wanted to spend some time together i guess. Or rather, she knew i have been very down, and she heard of my stupid and silly action of going to KL with Guardian, and she wanted to cheer me up or rather, sound me out.
Anyway, today another Samaritan told me this one line, that i think is quite cool.. It is your Responsibility in this world to make yourself HAPPY.
Boss and i had a talk and she ask me to think about what i really want in life. And what could potentially be my driving force.. So... Till the next post. And i am feeling better about things as it is. Maybe what Guardian says is true, i'm numb to it already. Same applies for TG

Day Three/Four

It just seems to me when something happens, everything else happens. I mentioned earlier that Guardian told me he saw TG at Suntec. And i remember questioning him, are you sure? Tonight, Superman met TG for dinner and drinks, and Superman told me that TG specifically asked him not to bring me along. And here's the thing, if it was the first time something like this has happened, i would brush it off, saying it was one of those boy's night out thing. And yet, i cannot delude myself into believing that it is.
Many months back, when something of a similar nature happened, i questioned TG about it. And he told me that Superman has gotten the wrong message, and he meant no harm. And months later, the same thing happens. I'm not sure, if its coz of the emotional roller coaster ride i'm going through with Guardian, that the roller coaster has been heading down, and i'm still wondering if its sending me to the depths of hell, if that is why i am disappointed with TG and upset with him, or rather i am upset with him, coz i do not see the need for him to lie to me.
Now i feel like a complete idiot. While i was at Superman's place last evening, he asked me if it was TG's birthday. And i told him, yeah. And as he called TG, i remember telling him, oh, he's in HK. So he might be busy with meetings. At least that's what he told me. And today, Superman called me to say that he's pretty sure TG is in Singapore. And has been the last couple of days.
I guess this coincides with Guardian saying he say TG at Suntec on Monday, coz in fact, he was already back in Singapore. I can understand if there is someone special in his life that he wants to spend his birthday with. But i cannot see why he had to fib about it.
I remember telling bro once, that if you fib about something, at least lie intelligently, and when i finally figure it out, then i would at least respect that you had the brains to think up of such an intellligent lie that covered all angles. And yet, do both Guardian and TG, simply think i am an idiot? Or that i really am such a dumb person?
I've told both before, that sometimes, when i don't say something, its not because i don't know what is going on, or i do not know that they are lying. Sometimes, it's coz i don't want the situation to get ugly and thus, i keep mum about stuff. But i know what is going on. It's not the first time TG has lied, and somehow i feel that the times i found out are not the only times that he has fibbed. And i truly am disappointed in him, coz i thought better of him. Why would someone claim to enjoy your company, claim that you are a special friend, and yet, cannot even be honest as a friend. That is something i cannot understand.
SIghz... When is the roller coaster going to head up..

Day Three

Like i said, i was going to do something stupid and silly. And i did. Was it worth i guess so. I got quite a bit of answers today to close the loops that i need to close eventually. I can tell he is smitten by her and has been bitten by the love bug. He has detailed down each and every one of their dates, as to what he did for her, to her etc. And he even bought her a swarovski pendant on his first date which was on 18 July. Just barely 4 days of us breaking up. But like i mentioned before, it was a lead up definately.
He said he met her 2 months back but only started dating her a month back. And he loves everything about her, from the way she is, to the things she enjoys doing. Apparently, she doesn't like shopping, but like cars. Likes massages, backpacking. Doesn't like soft toys, branded goods. Well, all i can say is, i wish him happiness. Coz she is definately a player. And he knows that too. But i guess its the thrill of the chase for him. For TG as well. Anyway, he said he met TG at Suntec on Monday. Which is weird, coz TG said he won't be back for some time.
Anyway, he asked if i had any idea why he brought me up to watch fireworks. I told him i had my own theory but will keep it at that. No need to verify if i am right or wrong. Coz in the last few days, i have come to understand that i never really meant very much to him.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to admit that for the last 11 years, i have been wrong. That i have been prolonging this mistake only because i refuse to believe that i was wrong. And though now it is not easy, coz i am so set in my comfort zone, i know that it cannot persist.
I know it pointless and silly to brood about what has gone one between us, and whether he ever loved me. Or whether i was just constantly his time filler. Life goes on. I am entitled to another 4 days of grieving. If i get over it earlier, good for me.

Day Two

I know some of you will say i am crazy. And yet at the same time, i think i am. I'm not sure how i can immediately get him out of my system. And since i have said i will give myself 7 days to grief, and i am only on day 2, i am entitled to do stupid things. Is it possible to hurt yourself so much in the next 6 days such that the pain of losing him will not be as great as the hurt i've inflicted on myself? Funny theory, but gg to see if it works.

Day One

I cried myself to sleep once again. It's actually been such a long time since i have done something so foolish. And as the tears flowed freely, i question myself and my own ability to love. I question whether i could have done more. I seek to find solace from all that i knew, and emptiness and silence returned.
I really did love him. And much as i hate to admit it, i am defenceless in his presence. I did something stupid. I called him and asked him for a small request. And he rejected me. And it tore my heart coz i feel that after all we've been through and all that i've done, all i needed was for him to hold my hand a little longer. And maybe then it dawned upon me. I never really mattered. The pit was a bottomless pit and he would not or could not reach in to help me out. I'm not even sure if i can help myself out.
I've never been stabbed by a knife. But if i can only imagine how it feels like, then how i'm feeling is similar. Using the knife analogy, i can only say, i feel like i was once stabbed by a knife. And over the years, the wound has heeled leaving a small scar. And this time round, this two days, or rather this trip and the aftermath of the trip, i feel like i was stabbed at the exact same spot. And the call and his rejection, felt like whoever stabbed me was not content with just a stabbed. He pushed the knife in and twisted it.
i am surprised by the impact he still has in my life. The last time i remember feeling this pain was 6 yrs ago. I thought i would never feel such intense pain again. And yet, here i am again, caused by the same man. All i want is for the pain to go away. It hurts so much...

My final act of Love

Just came back from a trip to KL. Everything i guessed about Guardian was right. Am i surprised? No.. After all, when you've known someone for almost half of your life, you tend to get most of the things about this person right. The fireworks were just an excuse, and yet, i know i stood by him when he felt he needed me. And i told him, this is my last act of love for him. It was a 300+Km ride back that i finally understood US. Me and Guardian. I love him for who he is, and i admit i have a soft spot for him. And yet, i have nothing to tell for my battle wounds.
I will eventually learn to live without him in my life as no one is indispensable, and yet, i can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. I was not only second best to his ex wife. I now know that i was forever second best. It never used to be an issue before, but i guess, maybe i've grown up and i refuse to be second best anymore. I believe i am good enough to be someone else's Number 1.
He bought her flowers. And he bought be a teddy bear. And i didn't take teddy home, coz that was the bear that he wanted to buy for her originally. And i really don't want hand me downs. In whatever form. And so, i left teddy in his car when i came home.
Truth is, life goes on. And i know that better then anyone considering what a stormy sail ours have been. I'm not going to deny myself a week to grief over someone that i've yearned for all of my adult life, but my promise to myself is that once this week is over, i draw the line at our business relationship.
Ferris Wheel at KL

Have i done enough??

I'm about to go on a trip. And this trip had an agenda that i didn't know about. At first, i saw it on the surface, as any other trip. And i was in fact excited to be going away even for a short period of time, since i really have been rather bogged down with work. And yet, now that i have found out about the agenda, i am not sure anymore. There is a part of me that doesn't want to be there, doesn't want to put myself in a situation knowing that i will be upset. And yet, the other part of me wants to be there for him. To see him through what he has in mind and walk with him. But maybe the most important question is, have i done enough over the years or is this then a debt that i have to repay to him?
What's so amazing is that, maybe at the back of my mind i know the answer. They say a woman's 6th sense, gut instinct is very strong. Mine is no different i guess. When it comes to Guardian or TG, it is equally strong. And i am not in the habit of second guessing myself. But yet, when it comes to another person being involved, i tend to melt away and second guess myself. And that is where i keep asking myself, have i done enough?
I have loved Guardian for a very long time now. I did waver once and decide that it was finally time to move on, and he came back. In the months that he was back, i would be lying to say i didn't enjoy the times spent with him. I would be lying to say he didn't touch and melt my heart. Honest truth is he did. And i wanted to give in more then i wanted to hold out, maybe also coz i desperately wanted this time to be the time that things between us worked out. And yet, it would be the same theory applied to TG. If there was true love between us, then it wouldn't be so difficult to work out right? And precisely because there isn't and i am forcing an issue, thats why it hasnt worked out thus far.
A long while back, when i was in sports, and i didn't win the gold medal, i would ask myself, have i done enough, am i physically less capable or is it because i haven't trained hard enough. But with sports, its pretty straight and clear cut. But with love, the lines are less defined.
Today he told me, that things between him and this girl might never work out, or it might. And that since love is never 50/50, he wouldn't mind if he was caught in a 90/10 situation. And a part of me ached really. But love is never logical or is it? And when then, do i walk away and never look back? I guess i really need to put things in perspective. I am still unsure..
But fulfilling this last trip, would be where i draw the line about doing enough. Even if i have failed in anyway, i will attribute that to character flaws or physical inability. Coz i can only be that strong...

What a load of bullshit

I saw him on msn today. And we chatted. It was really just saying hi and one thing led to another and before we knew it, we were talking about us once again. Us included things that have happened in the last couple of months, our feelings for each other. And it was weird. I said i was upset coz it was just recently that he told me he loved me, and suddenly, we are breaking up and what happened to the love. And then he gave me an answer that was probably the bullshit of the century. He said, i love you. And i know i always will. But like a little sister. So i think it's not right to be your boyfriend when i love you like a sister. HUH????
Anyway, i was upset of course. But more pissed then upset. What's this sister bullshit? Anyway, he said he wanted me in his life for the rest of his life, coz he thinks i make the best friend ever. And of course just like the other day when he said i was his best friend. I told him i couldn't be friends for a while, although eventually i might be accepting of it. But for now, i needed him to stay far far away from my life while i readjust and move on.
Over the years, it has been amazing how i've relented and given in time and again. And now, i don't feel like doing so anymore. I'm sick and tired of going through the whole bullshit over and over again. Maybe what TG said before makes perfect sense now. Why fight when you know it's a lost cause?

Another Lost Cause

I never expected it would hurt this much after all these years. But i guess, its like having an old wound opened up once again. And maybe, just maybe that's why it hurts more. We've been through this so many times. And each time, the same thing happen. And i shed a tear not knowing whether its because i think this really is the end. Or because, for a moment i was really into it.
Sigh. I really don't even know what to write any longer. I've played it out a million and one times. And each time, i get to the same stage where i ask myself, why did i choose to walk down that same road once again? I have no answer. Maybe its the fact that human nature is always just so comfortable with the things they are familiar with. And i am no different. I am a creature of habit. Maybe it's good that we talked things out. Better now then another 5 yrs down the line. Better now, then when i am so deep into it that i cannot get out. But it still hurts.
Seems like yesterday only when i cried buckets full when he told me the exact same thing. And yet, now that i look back, its been 6 years already. For all the talk about love and all the promises, they have turned out to be once again too shallow to withstand anything. Were we even an item? Did anything even happened? Even i am confused at this stage.
In the past, i would have demanded to see him, face to face and trash things out. And now, i don't any longer. Coz i know, after all these years, he still hasn't changed. He's still the him i knew 10 years ago. And maybe, i have grown weary of being his pit stop all these years and playing second fiddle to his current flavour of the month. Just once, i want to be valued. And i want to be important.
Oh well, better now then later actually.

History repeats itself over and over

I guess sometimes, history does repeat itself. I remembered when i was in college, and a friend ask me, hey, why did you pick up history? It is by far the most boring subject ever. I my very intelligent reply then was, history is in fact a very interesting subject. Just a bunch of story reading, remembering some facts, and of course, the part that was interesting was that throughout history, it repeats itself over and over again until someone becomes wise enough to figure out what went wrong, who did it, and how not to allow it to happen all over again.
And sometimes, even when you figure out, what went wrong, who did it, one still allows it to happen all over again. I guess it has something to do with human nature. There is a saying that a leopard never changes its spots. How true. Human nature is a blend of all sorts of characters. Some people are dishonest, some people are cheaters, some people are truly nice and some people will forever be suckers. And the interesting thing is that, human race has survived so long only because there are a variety of people around.
Imagine this, a husband who abuses the wife for the first time, then goes back to her to say i'm sorry, it'll never happen again. And there must be a wife who is silly enough to believe him and take him back only to have the same thing happen a couple of weeks, months or years later.
A guy that cheats on his girlfriend, says the same thing, and a couple of weeks, months, years later is doing the same thing over. And for every person that is the aggressor, there will be a willing victim.
Of course this is merely in a family unit. In society, criminals commit the same crime over and over again, go in and out of prison. And not forgetting the numerous wars that have occurred. Someone is greedy, someone is weak, someone wants more. Sign some treaty, never going to happen again, shit hits the fan once again.
So i guess, history does repeat itself more then once. Question then is, do i want to be the aggressor or the victim?
Stupid question but mostly ending with a stupid answer!

The thin line between patience and a lost cause

I cannot help but ask myself what is the huge difference. And when do you call it quits versus hanging on for just one more day, one more month, one more year.

When would your words count

Just like most of the things you have shared, they never count. I'm tired of being the trusting one, who believes everything you say. At times, i don't believe you, but i don't question coz maybe that's just the way i am. I have always been a person who probably place more emphasis on the happiness of my partner. And give you the time and space that you need. But i value honesty above sweet nothings. When you tell me something, i expect it to happen. If not, don't tell me. And yet, once again, your words stood for nothing. This has happened many times with all the men i date. And there is only one conclusion and reason. And that is, that i don't matter. And maybe now i'll be happier knowing for a fact and going my own way.

Dinner with TG

Finally met up with TG after 46days of drought. Hee. Well, it was an interesting night out i would suppose. But, each outing with him is usually interesting. We went to this usual japanese place for dinner. And proceeded to Q Bar for drinks after that. We chatted about a variety of topics. But somehow, we reached the topic of what i thought of him. And i said he wasn't charismatic. But i think we both have different definations of charisma. Anyway, he said something that was really weird. He said he would rather hear nice things then the truth. Kinda funny. Since he's a boss and all, all day long i'm sure his subordinates would be telling him nice things already. Why the need to hear nice things from me again when we are out. I would have placed honesty before lies. Oh well, but thats my stand once again.
So from there, we chat about other things, and i finally asked the question that i've been meaning to ask. About why he is not seeing anyone. As in dating, as in having a serious relationship. And he said he wasn't interested.
You know, sometimes i think men or he thinks i'm stupid. You know, i'm not stupid. (Or so i think) Many a times, i see and know what is going around me, its just that i would rather not bring it up coz i think a conflict will arise out of it. And the day i bring it up, or show my cards, then its coz i'm ready to give it up. I've known TG for 3 years now, and i would admit i'm still very smitten by him. And i've always been very firm about love. Maybe coz it takes quite a bit to move my heart.
I know TG and i would probably never work out. In my exact words, its most probably a lost cause. Although i knew it right from the start, i really wanted to give it a shot. Not because i'm unwilling to believe what others around have told me. But rather, my concept of better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. Now the all important question then would be, at which point do you cut your losses?
It's really quite like handling investments. You have a target and a cut loss benchmark. And if this was really a monetary investment, i think i would be a rather bad investor. Its a good thing i do not carry the same attitude in my investments. Practically, i know i should cut losses now. Its been way overdue. But, somehow, the heart refuses to. But i am glad we had that talk that we had. It has somehow straightened out my thinking.
TG will always view me as a rather superficial friend. Not because he doesn't enjoy my company, but because he doesn't want to open up and share. And because i cannot be of any use to him. That's entirely my point of view. Oh well, life was fine before meeting him, i'm sure i'll be fine with whichever direction i choose to take.

Weird

I have a queer story to tell. Maybe you can say its interesting. Maybe, it was a dream. Maybe, its the truth. But i would never know. In the story, as with all stories, there was a man. And since there was man, there was a woman. And as with any successful story that i've ever heard of, there was love involve. And to up the ante, it was a one sided love story. Now this girl was in love with this man. Or the other way round. But from this, we know that it was obviously a one sided love story.
And so the story went, that this girl, was hoping to go out on a date with this man. And of course, because it was a one sided love story, it didn't happen. And this girl, being a silly girl, really thought that the flimsy excuse that the man gave about having to wake up early and not wanting to stay out late was the whole truth and nothing but the very truth. And coz she was an understanding and accomodating girl, she shrug it off and hid her disappointment. But as usual, this man, fed her a tidbit saying he would call later in the night when he got home so they could talk. This cheered the girl up immediately.
For the whole night, the girl carried her phone with her where ever she went. And she didn't dare to walk away for fear that he would call at any time. And she waited and waited, and finally, she decided that it was late and he wasn't going to call. And in the 15 minutes that she left her phone alone, he called, and when he got no one, he texted her to say that he was going to bed and that he would call again the next day.
And so, when the girl got back and looked at her phone, she was indeed disappointed.
I told this girl after the story was related to me, that sometimes, life plays cruel tricks on you. And maybe its a little of murphy's laws. Or maybe, just maybe, they weren't fated to talk at all.
And so this girl, went on to tell me, that she prayed really hard to GOD that night. She asked GOD to give her a sign. And that if the man called the next day, then she would carry on waiting for him. As with all sad love stories, he never called.
I found this whole episode rather amusing actually. For i remembered a time when i asked GOD to give me a sign about Guardian. And sometimes, we want things to happen so badly, that everything can seem like the sign that you are waiting for. But how would you know that it is exactly the correct sign? And when i asked her what indication it would be, she stated her terms. And the out of the blue, she said, do you think i was being very unreasonable? That it is too difficult? Ha...
If it was meant to be a sign, and it was something really easy, then why ask for it in the first place? And if it was very tough, and it really happened, then there is a greater reason to pause and think about the possibilities. And so, from what i last heard, nothing happened. Not the tough sign, not the easy sign. No sign came. Interesting really. Anyway, this girl was really disappointed as with all one sided love stories. No sign for her, no love for her, and confused and lost at the same time. Feel for her though..

Computer Setup Complete

Finally got my own computer, with internet connection in my room. Now i can stop lugging my laptop back and forth from work back home. I am very pleased with the computer.
Today i went to buy my speakers, webcam, printer/copier/scanner. And i have a flat screen which i always wanted. And of course a decent CPU. One more item off the list. Now i just have to re pack my room coz all these niffy gagets just ate up loads of table space. Have to find place to put my books, bags etc

My hurdles to cross

I remember the first time i did hurdles, it was an interesting experience. Needless to say, i tripped and i fell. It sure hurt. I fell at the 4th hurdle after cruising past the first 3, tore my ACL and MCL and meniscus. It was the year 1997, 10 years ago. If i remembered correctly, it was in February, and i was just clowning around with the track and field team to have a little fun and also to see if i could do hurdles. I've never done hurdles since that fall. Guess i was too scared to even try. The pain of the moment has me scared till today to jump over something low just for the fun of it. Maybe as we grow older, we are more scared because of past experiences. Anyway, it was the aftermath of the hurdle jump that brought out a strength in me that i never knew existed in myself. I went on to make the school team for netball and also the combined schools team that year. It was a dream come true for me, and i know many a times, i had put aside the pain and just carry on with the game.
Today, i am faced with a different hurdle in my life. There are many things in my life that i wished was different. And that day, when i was talking to Dad, i realized that what i was saying about him was exactly what was happening in my own life. The pot calling the kettle black really. And because i'm such a reflective person, it suddenly struck me that i have been thinking and thinking about doing things, anticipating certain things, but never did i make concrete steps and actions to get them done. I had been in the victim mode for long enough that i was so comfortable in it.
I was sitting last night having coffee with guardian when he mentioned the same thing. He said, he has never seen me so laid back and ill discipline before. That when he knew me, he was so scared about my drive and determination to get things done. That now, the new me feels good but weird. And when he said that, i couldn't help but think about the truths of what he has said. Then i thought about the goals i had and the dreams i had and how many times, i gave up when the going got tough.
And that comes back to why i am so determined to stay on in this job although i have been more and more unhappy recently. I have gotten other job offers, but i want to prove that i'm not a quitter. And i owe it to so many people who have put their faith and trust in me to stick on. But in my own way, i am unhappy. Maybe coz i'm expecting way too much, maybe coz many a times, i have things handed to me as TG once said. Well, i guess i have to come to terms with myself that this is all part and parcel of work. Sometimes, your boss likes you, and you get the goodies, and sometimes, you take the harder road. And i am convincing myself each day that when i take the harder road, i get moulded into a better person, a stronger person.
TG is finally back in Singpaore today. I have not met him or heard from him, but i am hoping that i get to see him soon. Its been 43 days till date since i last saw him. And i truly miss him, his wisdom and his companionship. Well, that aside, as to what hurdles i have to cross, i'll put that in my next post.

Is there someone out there who is perfect?

Is there a perfect someone out there for us? Or are there many people who are just meant for us? I wondered about this topic for some time now. And did we get carried away over the years by the fairy tales about Prince Charming and all. Or is it simply, at the end of the day, just someone we would eventually learn to grow old with and care about?
The other night, while i was out with TG, he said, he thinks i adore him only coz i see him once in a while, and that each time we are out, we do things that we both enjoy. And that if i were to spend every minute of everyday with him, i would not adore and love him so much. And what shocked me was the answer that i blurted out even without thinking. I told him, well, i disagree. I think that when you truly love and adore someone, you will find new things to love about the person everyday. That each day will only be more beautiful coz the things you love about the person just keeps growing longer. Of course we didn't pursue that topic, since it was late and the next day was a working day.
But i must say, maybe subconsciously, that is really what i believe in. That as the days grow, i would love more and more things about a person if i truly adored the person.
Who do i want and what sort of person am i looking for?
Well, first and foremost, i want a man that will respect and adore me. Someone who values my opinions and comments even when it differs from his. I want a man who is ambitious and driven. Coz i think that those are the very characteristics that attract me the most. A man who is confident enough to show his weaknesses and sensitive side, because he knows that everyone has some of those. Someone who believes in communication. Coz i think that communication keeps the relationship growing. I would like a man who is also wise and patient. Who understands that i may not know everything and that i am still learning. And who takes time to involve himself in my life and involve me in his. I would like a guy who takes time off his busy schedule once in a while to do things that couples enjoy, like taking a holiday trip, or just chilling out. I would be lying if i said i didn't expect my man to have some money. I would like a man to be able to buy me a cartier watch or LV wallet just coz he thinks it will cheer me up or just coz he wants to pamper me. Not because i cannot affort it on my own, but coz he enjoys making me happy. And of course, someone who believes in growing old with me.
The other night, i was out having dinner with 2 friends. And this topic came up. My gf asked just what sort of person i wanted to be with. I said, well, all of the above that i mentioned. And she nodded her head in agreement. Of course we don't all have the same opinions. And there are things that differ a little here and there. But basically, that is the framework. Of course i could be a little more specific. But i think i know what i want. As i grow older, and hopefully become more matured, i can see a little clearer, the picture of who and what i want.
Was also out with Guardian the other night. And i asked him, so what do you want in life? And he said this was the life he wanted. And that he has everything he wants in life. So i asked him, what exactly is the everything you want in life? And he mentioned that he wanted a car that was modified, could go really fast, not have to worry about 3 meals a day coz he has a job, and that he was contented. At that moment, it dawned on me, that we were really tow individuals, wanting to walk down different paths. You see, i am so touched by what he has done for me recently. And especially after the disappointed i had in KL. I came back feeling so rejected. I made up my mind to stay on as platonic friends with TG only coz i believe that he is worthy as a friend. If nothing ever happens between TG and myself, i would be comforted in knowing that his happiness lies somewhere else and that for the rest of my life, i would have like a mentor friend. With Guardian, i feel very comfortable with him. And yet, being with him, is always like taking a step back. Relaxing. Being contented with 3 meals a day, a roof over the head. And that is not what i want to do.
I told Guardian, that my dream is to earn shit loads of money, so that i can adopt children from all over the world and give them an education. So that i can play my part and give back to society. Hey, i'm not so altruistic that i will give away every cent i have. But i want to earn more, so that i have the ability to help more people. I don't want to just get by. And maybe that's where the gulf is between us. And i see it widening every day and every time we meet up. And it scares me. Coz i know there will come a day where the gulf is so wide that there will not be a chance for us to bridge it. I'm thinking, am i very selfish? If i lay down my terms, then he would have to change to suit me. And is that being too selfish?
My gf told me that night, that guardian is like my security blanket. And that from day one, 11 years ago, she knew that there would come one day that i would feel the way i did today. So now the question is, can i compromise on the things that i want? The heart knows the answer.....

Happy Chinese New Year

Oh another year has passed in a flash. Funny how the only thing constant in life is this word called CHANGE.
Someone once told me. Every moment that you choose to remain the same, you are actually moving backwards. Time moves forward. And if you stand still, in a blink of an eye, you've been swept to the past.
I'm still not sure how this all works out. But i find history repeating itself in my life over and over again. I'm told that your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. So could it be that i'm going around in circles in my head? Hmmm
For those that have kept abreast with my life, the two people that've i've rambled non-stop about in my blog are still the two people who are bugging me.
In the last few months, there have been interesting developments. Guardian has featured strongly in my life as he is going through a very rough patch on his own. I've done as much as a friend can do. And yet, i'm still stumped as to whether i will ever feel the same way about him. I truly loved him once. But i've grown up. And 11 years is a long time. A long time for people to change and move on with life. So, i'm still as confused as ever. I adore his company at times and he is still the most comfortable person i have in my life to chill out with and his hugs, when i am down are still the most heart warming.
As for TG, things seem to be going in the opposite direction from where i want to go. I'm not sure if it's coz his parents have not been well and there seems to be a lot of changes happening in his work life. Or that we've simply reached the point where we are too comfortable being friends. There is always this point where two people are two comfortable being friends to want to push the relationship further. Or it could also be that he is just not intersted and i don't get the picture. Oh well...
Other then my pathetic, messy and confusing love life, i would say everything has gone pretty smoothly. Till i next blog, happy chinese new year all!

Filliae Melioris Aevi

You are in charge of your feelings, beliefs and actions.
And you teach others how to behave towards you.
While you cannot change other people, you can influence them through your own behaviour and actions.
By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others,
you create more of what you want in life.

The Eagle and the Wolf

There is a great battle that rages inside me
One side is the soaring eagle.
Everything that the eagle stands for is good and true
and beautiful, and it soars above the clouds.
Even though it dips down into the valley, it lays
its eggs on the mountain tops.
The other side of me is the howling wolf.
And that raging, howling wolf represents the
worst that's in me.
He eats upon my downfalls and justifies himself
by his presence in the pack.
Who wins the great battle?
THE ONE I FEED!