Friday, June 29, 2007

My hurdles to cross

I remember the first time i did hurdles, it was an interesting experience. Needless to say, i tripped and i fell. It sure hurt. I fell at the 4th hurdle after cruising past the first 3, tore my ACL and MCL and meniscus. It was the year 1997, 10 years ago. If i remembered correctly, it was in February, and i was just clowning around with the track and field team to have a little fun and also to see if i could do hurdles. I've never done hurdles since that fall. Guess i was too scared to even try. The pain of the moment has me scared till today to jump over something low just for the fun of it. Maybe as we grow older, we are more scared because of past experiences. Anyway, it was the aftermath of the hurdle jump that brought out a strength in me that i never knew existed in myself. I went on to make the school team for netball and also the combined schools team that year. It was a dream come true for me, and i know many a times, i had put aside the pain and just carry on with the game.
Today, i am faced with a different hurdle in my life. There are many things in my life that i wished was different. And that day, when i was talking to Dad, i realized that what i was saying about him was exactly what was happening in my own life. The pot calling the kettle black really. And because i'm such a reflective person, it suddenly struck me that i have been thinking and thinking about doing things, anticipating certain things, but never did i make concrete steps and actions to get them done. I had been in the victim mode for long enough that i was so comfortable in it.
I was sitting last night having coffee with guardian when he mentioned the same thing. He said, he has never seen me so laid back and ill discipline before. That when he knew me, he was so scared about my drive and determination to get things done. That now, the new me feels good but weird. And when he said that, i couldn't help but think about the truths of what he has said. Then i thought about the goals i had and the dreams i had and how many times, i gave up when the going got tough.
And that comes back to why i am so determined to stay on in this job although i have been more and more unhappy recently. I have gotten other job offers, but i want to prove that i'm not a quitter. And i owe it to so many people who have put their faith and trust in me to stick on. But in my own way, i am unhappy. Maybe coz i'm expecting way too much, maybe coz many a times, i have things handed to me as TG once said. Well, i guess i have to come to terms with myself that this is all part and parcel of work. Sometimes, your boss likes you, and you get the goodies, and sometimes, you take the harder road. And i am convincing myself each day that when i take the harder road, i get moulded into a better person, a stronger person.
TG is finally back in Singpaore today. I have not met him or heard from him, but i am hoping that i get to see him soon. Its been 43 days till date since i last saw him. And i truly miss him, his wisdom and his companionship. Well, that aside, as to what hurdles i have to cross, i'll put that in my next post.