Monday, June 30, 2008

Monday Monday

Alright. Admittedly, Today was a whole lot better then yesterday. Managed to straighten out some stuff, managed to settle some errands. Yippie! Plus meeting got postponed to tomorrow afternoon. Really doubt the excuse given. But all in all, it was a pretty decent day till now. 5.30pm. Hehe
Morning woke up, then did some consolidation of accounts, money, packed up cupboard, and then Darling said he can only meet me for lunch at about 11am. So i did what i had to do at home, then off to meet him for lunch before heading back to office for
agency meeting. But, while in the car, manager sms say meeting was canceled due to his uncle passing away. Just a huge coincidence that there was Euro finals last night. Hmm... But i'm not complaining lah. Coz that gave me time to run my errands today. But that is another story.
Anyway, met Darling for lunch. He came to pick me up. Quite cute though. Honestly, after the exhausting day yesterday emotionally, i was still rather apprehensive. But also wanted to meet him. Just didn't know how i felt when i met him. But he was super duper sweet. He said he see me so sad yesterday, then wanted to cheer me up. So he gave me a really really really sweet surprise. It wasn't the cost of the present that brought a smile to my face. It was the thought behind it. Just like the last time when he bought me the little teddy that says 'I Love You'. And cakes of course. Anyway, it's this pendant which has a heart and a little monkey in the centre. The monkey turns when the pendant moves. Really cute. Will post a pic of it after i take a picture. So it came in this jewelery box. Then i said i wanted to guess what it was. Then ask him to give me a clue. Hee....

So he said it's not a ring. So what else can it be? Hmm... Like only 2 other things left for a small square box. Either a pendant or ear rings. But i figured it would be a pendant. Although for a split second there was a part of me that wished it was a ring. Hee.. Not wedding ring lah. Just one of those couple rings. But hard for him to explain why he wearing another ring also. And if its a couple ring and only i wear it, then it defeats the whole purpose of the ring. Ok. I digress. Back to the story. Anyway, i was pleasantly surprised of course. Coz last night by the time we came home, it was quite late and i dun suppose any shops were opened. And this morning, he had to work and after work, he said he was going to meet his uncle for a while. Plus, i never expected a present. So, it was really nice. =)
But i guess at the back of my head, i also feel that he shouldn't waste the money. Although he says if spending a little money can make me happy, he doesn't mind. Anyway, bottom line is it was very very nice. I sometimes question myself and ask if i will truly be contented. But i know the insecure part of me would rather there be no other woman. That even if i had to spend the rest of my lifetime without presents and have his presence all the time, then it would be worth it. But again, beggars can't be choosers right? So i am still pleased with the present that he picked. But i suppose i don't want him to spend money buying me gifts coz i want him to feel that the reason that i'm with him is because i truly care and adore him. And not because of what he can give me or the presents that he showers on me. It's the attention, the care and the love that he showers on me that matters most to me.
He told me once that his ex made him buy a lot of things for her. And that she spent his money indiscriminately. I guess i've always been the sort of girl that would spend within my means. That if i feel like i can't afford to pay for dinner at a fancy restaurant, or if i can't afford something, i would either work harder, earn more or not have it. I would never expect the guy to buy me something. Of course i enjoy receiving gifts. Of course if the guy was a billionaire, and i could have anything in the world i wanted, my wish would still be the same. That i could have his whole heart. =) But i must say, i wouldn't mind having his whole heart plus shitloads of money to spend. But paying for items on your own versus someone buying them for you is also a different feeling. Right? Anyway, i really just hope he feels that buying me something makes him happy and therefore makes me happy as well, rather then buying me something makes me happy and therefore makes me happy. What's the huge difference? Considering both of us are ultimately happy you ask? Well, if it makes him happy, and in me seeing that he is happy makes me happy, then it is without a shred of doubt that his happiness is more important to me. But if it is the other way round, then there might come a day where he feel obliged to spend to make me happy. And i really really don't want that.
I guess i also want to be special and different in his eyes. I want him to know and feel that no matter whether he is rich or poor, i would still want to be with him and take care of him. That my adoration for him is not measure by the zeros in his bank. I've seen many women who date a married man because of what they can provide for them or the money that he gives her etc. But i want him to know that i am with him because love is something that is hard to explain. And because i love him, i choose to accept him for who he is. Yesterday Kor asked me if i was married, and my husband has another woman outside, what would i do? And i said, if i was the wife, i would probably condone it. Here's the important word. CONDONE. Not ACCEPT.
Whats the difference?
Accept:

to endure without protest or reaction
to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable
to give admittance or approval to


Condone:
to regard or treat (something bad or blameworthy) as acceptable, forgivable, or harmless (a government accused of condoning racism)

Essentially, both words have similar meanings. But note the words in bold. Maybe i feel that it is wrong, and therefore i say i will close an eye to it, as long as he takes care of the home and that in his eyes, i'm still no1. But then again, this is all subjective. Like how do i know for a fact that in my husband's eyes, i'm no.1 and the woman that he is dating outside is no2? I guess i would not know. But which woman doesn't want to be no. 1 in the man's eyes? To know for a fact that you're the most treasured and important person to the man. That really, through thick and thin, through good and bad, two of us would stick by each other and be around for each other? I think it takes a lot of confidence to be able to feel this. To be able to know. Both parties must carry on playing a part for this to happen. Anyway, Kor was teasing me. Coz he ask me, then today, you are not the wife. So does it mean you're no. 2? Honestly, i also don't know how to answer him. But i gave him this very cute answer which he burst out laughing. I said, also good mah. At least from day 1 i know i'm no. 2, so nothing to say if i never become no. 1. Also, there will always be a goal to move towards being no. 1. Plus, in a way, i have nothing to lose, coz i never had it in the first place. I know it's really warped thinking. Then i also told Kor that one day if i become no.1, i would be afraid of losing it all. So, like that also good lah. Of course if he leaves i would be sad. And i would be heart brokened. But, maybe being no.2 isn't all that bad, coz you know deep down in your heart that right from day 1, there was not commitment in the first place.
Anyway, i obviously have digressed too much. So, after lunch, Darling sent me home and i went do run my errands. Went LTA to do bike inspection. The uncle there very nice. He say he help me pass my inspection. Then after that talk to me about my bike, why i ride bike etc. Then ask if my bike got any problem. Then i tell him my bike erp dunno why sometimes work sometimes don't work. Then just change last year, then this year spoil again. Then he ask me go to the erp area there to check. Then ask another uncle check for me. Hehe.. Then the other uncle check for me liao say dunno why not working. But will change one more unit for me. Then i ask how much, then he say still under warranty coz last year then change, so it's FREE!!!!!! Yippie. And now i have a erp unit that works, which means i can travel around at any time i want and anywhere in Singapore and i can park even when i don't have parking coupons!
Finally left LTA, then head to JE Central to do bike insurance and road tax. Waited damn long. But in the time i waited, i managed to do my banking stuff and pay my bills. But quite stupid of me, coz actually, if i had just turned the insurance paper around, then i didn't have to wait so long. Coz could have settled the insurance online and the road tax payment has an express counter. Anyway, waited for about 1.5hrs, then reach the counter, do insurance liaoz, then cannot do road tax, coz my vehicle no was flagged. Anyway, called LTA and got it sorted out. Apparently, i have some problems with my IU unit. But since they change new one for me already, then they unflagged my bike. So tomorrow can go post office to pay road tax, and i am once again legal on the road! Hehe....
Decided to come home after leaving JE central, coz a bit too late to go office submit stuff, and no intention of going to town in the evening to squeeze with the rest of the people who just got off work. So maybe tomorrow then go town.
All in all, a very very decent day till now. Meeting Darling later in the night. *keep fingers crossed that we will have a nice nice time out and so, today will end on a positive note.
Oh yeah, just now Darling sms say he wants my heart. Then i sms him back say he has 70% of my heart liaoz. Frankly speaking, i'm quite crazy about Darling. I really really hope that our relationship will last. And that things will always work out between us, that if we fight, we'll always find a way to resolve the fight and will always still look forward to seeing each other, spending time with each other and loving each other. =) Ok, maybe blog later tonight ya... Go do some stuff now. Tata...

Running away

I so very much want to run away. I really can't deal with the well of emotions that are going through my mind and my heart right now. Right from the day when i decided to call it quits with Guardian, because i really couldn't handle it any longer. I really couldn't stand the 9 lousy days and 1 good day. I couldn't handle the fact that i was always second best. I couldn't handle putting my life on hold just coz i wanted to please him. I couldn't handle the fact that each time he came back, he came back with the same promises. And each time he left, he took those promises he made and a little bit of my shattered heart.
And so, when he left, i told myself that i was never going to do this again. Never going to go through this emotional roller coaster again. And so, i turned back to the 1 thing i knew i could trust and that would not fail me. One thing that i could put my heart, my mind, my soul into and not have any fear of it striking back. Not have any fear of it making me lose my mind.
And yet, i feel like i'm going through the cycle all over again. This morning's episode with Darling left me confused, frustrated, lost and suddenly all those horrid feelings came rushing back. All that fear. All that insecurity. All that helplessness. It flooded me. It was so powerful. And i didn't see it coming. It felt like i got hit by a really huge Tsunami. And it paralysed me for the rest of the day. I was so lost. I felt like a wandering soul. Like someone sucked the life out of me and left me standing. I knew i didn't want to experience this feeling any more. Terrified, petrified.
I know Darling made the effort to come out and see me this evening. I know he wanted to share with me how he felt. I know he needed an outlet for his thoughts. And i did as much as i could just listening to him. I thought going to PS would make me feel better after the horrid horrd morning and afternoon. Instead, at PS, i felt a sea of sadness engulf me. I know i won't return there again. Seems like every time i go there with some guy, something unpleasant happens. And all i wanted to do was share my favourite place with the most important person in my life right now. And yet, somehow, everything about the place seemed all wrong tonight.
We talked a little before we headed home. I guess he was tired. But i finally opened up and shared with him something so deep in my heart that only 2 people in the whole wide world know about. Ok. Maybe it's 3. Queboo, Guardian and the mystery someone. I remembered Guardian telling me once that i was silly and stupid. And i will never find another man who will be able to accept what had happened. But i wanted Darling to be different. In fact i never even shared this story with TG before. But somehow, i felt that Darling would understand. That he would from there, understand why i act the way i do sometimes. Or why i say things in a certain manner at other times. I was quite torn for a while. Should i say? Should i not? Would he despise me after that? Would he still be able to look at me and see me as his angel?
He didn't say anything. I guess there wasn't a need for words. The look on his face and eyes told me it was a mistake. That i should have made my peace and kept my mouth shut. He just said he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I don't blame him. It was entirely my choice for wanting to share this with him. And the only reason why i've kept it inside me for so many years is because of this exact reaction. But i really just wanted to give him a part of me. And yet....
I'm very tired. I have no more energy. I don't want to fight anymore. I admit defeat. For a while, Darling made me feel like there was someone in the world who was genuine, who really cared. Who felt that i was important. And i thank him for making me feel this way. But, the look said it all. I give up!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Breathe Again - Juwita Suwito

Have you wondered how it feels when it's all over
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew
Never knowing where you're going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just close my eyes and say

I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little , cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little
Try a little more
I'll breathe again

Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still moves on
With a bit of luck It's a brand new start
That might just work my way
No need to walk away
Don't want to live on life replay

Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn



Roller Coaster ride

Seems like every time i'm in a relationship, it's a constant roller coaster ride for me. I suppose it has to do with the fact that i'm very emotional and i think a lot. Or i let my mind wander a lot. I tell myself not to at times. It's not like i don't trust my partner. But rather, some acts make me happy, some acts make me sad. I very much want to control my emotions. But at times, i cannot help feeling the way i do.
Yesterday, i talked to darling in the morning before he had to go home and run some errands and spend time with the family. Didn't hear from him all day long after that and was kinda upset by evening. Really just wanted to hear his voice for a while even though i knew we couldn't meet up. But in the end, managed to mit him twice in a nite. Was so happy. Below is the email i wrote to him.

'Of late, when i'm down, all i have to do is think of you and i'm all smiles once again. Unless of course if you were the cause of the frown to start off with. =P But seldom lah.
Was really glad that i managed to see you twice yesterday even if the first time was for a really brief period. But i suppose knowing that weekend is generally family time for you, and knowing you made the effort to see me for just a while made me extremely happy. Thank you for brightening up my day! =)
Every moment spent with you is always very precious to me. And ever since knowing you, there have been more sunny days then rainy days or days with thunderstorms. You're like the sun, constantly brightening the day, and giving me lots of warmth in the heart, just knowing that someone cares.
Don't be jealous that you're no longer the youngest in the group when we go out and meet the uncles oki? Coz i'm sure the love and attention that they used to shower you, cannot compare to the love and attention that i will shower you with for the rest of ur life. I sayang sayang you ya... So cannot jealous. Coz we seldom will have the chance to have our very own time in the evening. So, if you unhappy then quite silly. So, i will do my best to make up to you alright?
Hope you'll always be happy and cheerful, and will always feel very blessed to be loved and cared for by those around you!'

And below is his reply.

'Thanks for the email. I hope I can be your Sun till the end of the Day. I also very happy to see you last night. What a surprise! Don't Worry about meet with my uncles, I wouldn't jealous la.. I know you Sayang me a lot, heee.....
Anyway I have some thing to tell you, when you tell me that you are going out with guys so late, I am so worry about you, jealous and feel so bad or Sad... I worry they take advantage from you, after you having some drink. I know I can't stop you for going out with them or hung out so late. The worst part is that I suddenly tot of X-wife that she usually hung out so late like you. She always tell me that don't worry I will take care of herself, but at the end she sleep with my good friends. Do you know how much I get hurt?
So that's why I don't trust young people/MAN and I don't like to drink, I don't drink also for other reason la. but I know not all young people is like that. Now you know why I like to hung out with old man. All of all, I think I care about you, Love you, you are important to me and so forth.... Anyway, don't worry, I just need to speak it out, I will feel much
better, hahahaha. I will try my best not to get jealous
. O' one more thing to remember, don't always compare with other, we are human being and not products. Human always change and products would not change.
Look like we are stay in 2 different world, I like to hung out early and get up early, partly is my work heehee.. And you can't sleep early and like to hung out late.... I will try my best to follow your pace. May be you don't feel a lot of love from your family. I know it's hurt when our parents are quarrellings. When I was young same thing happen to me. Some time I don't feel like going home too. I don't like that kind of feeling too. Just take it easy everything will be ok. Cheers.'

Anyway, from the email you can tell that i went out partying last night. Was at lunar till 4 this morning when i came home and wrote the email to him. I finally fell asleep at 7.40 this morning, which was approximately the time he gave me his usual morning sms. I think i did hear the phone beep just before i dozed off. But i was really very tired at that time. And he told me he was going to the stables this morning. And so i thought if i could just fall asleep for an hour, i would at least have some energy later in the day. And so i didn't get up, instead i woke up at about 9.30 and texted him good morning. Then i waited for his reply. And no reply came. Then i texted him again at about 10.15. Then like wait and wait no reply again. Finally, he reply to say he bz. Also didn't say whether he will sms me today. Or call me. Or whether we are meeting.
I really felt lousy all morning. Felt especially lousy when i woke up and we couldn't even chat. Felt lousy when i didn't know if he was alright in the 1 odd hour that there was no response. I know it's silly. But i do worry sometimes. Maybe it's really coz of my previous relationships. I remembered whenever Guardian didn't reply my sms or call me, or disappeared on me, i knew that when he resurface, it would mostly be him in hospital or him telling me that he wanted to break up. I know Darling is different. But i do get scared and terrified as well. And the worst part is, i really don't know how to talk to him about this. I worry about the fact that if i tell him, i'm giving him additional pressure. That he will feel stressed. Coz i know when he tells me he is bz, it's because he's spending time with the family. And i don't want to put him in a spot or make him feel resentful of my presence.
But, i really felt grumpy and down in the dumps all morning. Like i ask myself, why i wake up so early for? Does he even know that although i sleep at 5am, 6am, 7am in the morning, i still wake up before 10am just so that we can chat before he goes home from the stables. Then whole morning i never hear from him, does he know that i am upset? that i miss him? That while he might be out with his family, i am worried and anxious that i might have done something to irritate him or made him upset and angry. ARGHHHHHHHH
This is so super frustrating. How come one day can be so beautiful and the next day is like crap. Then is it with family then cannot sms me leh? Even if go out can go toilet and sms me say everything is fine, ask me don't worry, say with family then later got chance then sms me again mah. I see already will feel better one wat. But no news, no sms, then last sms sound so curt, make me feel so horrible. Plus suppose to go mit someone with him today. Then he tell me the person might not be free in his email. Then what am i supposed to do? Am i supposed to sit at home and wait for his sms? Will he even sms? I really wonder while he is playing happy family, does he even think about me? Or am i just once again another person's time filler? I hate this feeling!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Yawn

Dunno why today so tired. Maybe coz been sleeping at rather irregular hours lately. And my body is trying to adjust everyday. Hee.. But other then that, the day went pretty well for me work wise i guess. Managed to get all the things i set out to get done today. So deserve a pat on the back. Finally found my new card and got it activated at the ATM as well. So feeling rather pleased with myself.
Loads to do tomorrow actually. Need to go post office to send some documents, need to go LTA to get my bike checked, need to go settle bike insurance and road tax coz i'm currently riding illegally. Erm.. Still got what leh? Orh. Need to go office drop off forms and collect some documents. Suppose to print quotation for weekend appointment as well. Not sure if i will be able to get everything done. Cross my fingers. But have priority list. So not too bad. Will do my best to stick by it.
Eh, on the personal front, didn't get to spend a lot of time with my darling today. Coz he was busy also. But he seemed pretty happy today. But also like quite tired. So i guess it was a pretty good thing i decided last night that maybe better for him to stay in tonight and spend some time with his family and grab some rest. Like not very nice every night we go hang out, then it takes time away from his family. And somehow, i feel it is important for his kids to spend more time with him. It is definitely my wish that he doesn't look back one day and regret that he didn't spend enough time with them while they were growing up. Haven't told him that maybe we meet less over the week. But quite hard to open mouth and say also, coz when in love the time, want to see him every minute every day. But also, must think for him. Aiya.. why love so difficult one... Sianz
Eh, today he said something twice to me. I believe very often, you say the things off the top of your head because it is subconscious. Then he said i was his friend twice. Once verbally and once over sms. I guess i was a little disappointed. Thought i meant more to him then just a friend. =( But also coz i didn't want to make things difficult for him, so i brushed it off after reading the sms. Though he smsed after that to say that i am special. Hmmm...
Blogging while waiting for Ja Ja to get back home from her movie so we can go for coffee. She's on leave tomorrow. But actually i quite tired liaoz. Been yawning since 9pm. Jialat. Dunno why so tired since i slept 8 hrs yesterday. Maybe over sleep? Ha.. Body not used to having 8 hrs of sleep.
Alright, since still waiting for Ja Ja, i will continue on yesterday's post.
Torn.
Actually the title reflects my inner feelings. The last 2 months of knowing darling have been very special and happy moments for me. For once, in a relationship, there are more happy moments then sad moments. And i don't have to constantly remind myself of the happy moments because it seems like every other day is a happy moment. Plus i enjoy time spent with him so very much. Time seems to fly by so quickly when we are out. I suppose also because of the circumstances, time spent together is very precious for me. But i guess i'm torn because if you remember my currency theory post way back, then today instead of him splitting his $100 on stuff like work, family, friends, hobbies etc, he doesn't have $100 to give from the very start. I suppose it's not much of a difference. But he has less to give. And yet, the funny thing is, among all my relationships, i feel that he has given me way more. So should i discount the currency theory.
The other reason as to why i feel torn is coz i feel that fundamentally, our relationship is wrong. That something built based on principles that are wrong will not last and will not work out. Plus, i keep feeling like i'm doing something wrong. And lastly, the most important reason of all is that i know this is it. This would probably be us 50 years down the road if we both live till a ripe old age. And although i simply adore him and think he's probably the greatest thing that has come by my way, i can't help but let my mind wander at times and ask, can i have more. I know it's definitely not fair to ask for more. I try to stop myself sometimes. But there are times where the feeling and urge is so strong, that i will ask for more. And we will both be upset after that.
So, there is a conflict of emotions going on inside me. Unfortunately, love can't be measured in physical quantities. And there is no way of weighing who loves who more. There is no accurate assessment that says there are more benefits or more drawbacks. And because of this, i am torn. I so do love every moment spent with him. When he's not by my side, i do wonder what he's doing. Whether he's had dinner, whether he's sitting in front of the computer or tele, or chatting with his family. Whether something made him happy, or something irritated him. Whether he suddenly thought of me. Or whether in the times when we are not together, do i even pop up in his mind. And yet, that little voice at the back of my head seems to be nagging at me. Telling me this is so wrong. Arghhhhh.....
Frustrating i know. And it doesn't help that i've grown to adore him more and more each day. He really is a super duper sweet and wonderful person with not an ounce of evil in him. He's thoughtful, caring, sensitive, encouraging, patient, understanding, romantic, silly, makes me laugh, showers me with attention, keeps his promises, listens to me, holds my hand, wipes away my tears. What more can a girl want? =) Can all these goodness overshadow that one glaring flaw? I guess only time will tell. Alright. Half hour more and Ja Ja doesn't call then i'm off to bed. Hee...
Nitez

Torn

Ever so often as i listen to friends tell me about their love stories, or their love lives, i often wonder whether this is going to be the one. This is going to be THE relationship for them. Whether a couple months or a couple of years down the road, i would receiving a wedding invite from him/her and attend their wedding. Whether they will grow old together. Whether they will stay married.
When i was younger, i had very strong beliefs about love. There was a moral high ground of right or wrong. There were things which were acceptable and things that were not. But over the years, i've come to realize that as you push the boundaries a little with each year and with each new relationship, there will come a time where black is not longer black and white is no longer white. That maybe, when it comes to matters of the heart, there is no black or white. Just a lot of chemistry and lots of wonderful feelings. I'm sure you all know how i feel about gay realtionships. I've always been a strong advocate of gay relationships because i've always felt that love is very magical and special. And that it would not always be confined to the boundaries of girl-boy but that love could occur between girl-girl, or boy-boy. And it would still be love. While i once thought that a healthy gap between a couple should not be more then 10 years, i've also come to accept that love transcends vast age groups. So, in my dictionary, there probably is nothing wrong with any of the above. That's just love.
But i guess something that i've been struggling to understand for a while now is can it be possible for the heart to be divided and for a person to love two people at the very same time. And can love be shared? I know love isn't a 50% 50% thing. That sometimes, in a given relationship, you might be giving 80% while the other party gives only 20%. But when you're in love, all that is fine. That you just want to be with the person night and day, and just want to make the person happy. Just want to be a part of the person's life. Just hope to have a chance to play a pivotal role in ther person's life. But this feeling is also built on the hope that one day, you would become the priority in the other person's life. That the person would one day realize your importance and tell you that he/she loves you. And all the time and effort will be worth it. But what would happen then if you knew from the start that it could possibly be a 80%,20% relationship and that it would not change no matter how long you hung around, or how hard you work at a relationship? Would you still give your best? If love is blind then would you carry on blindly even without any hopes of any returns?
Someone once asked that since i'm still not attached, or in a serious relationship, is it coz i've set my standards too high? Or am i just too picky? But the truth is this. I've just not been very lucky when it comes to matters of the heart. Or maybe not so much luck, but more of stubborn to the very core. I've always believe in giving Love a shot. That i am able to keep on giving until one day when i have nothing left to give, then i will be able to walk away without any regrets. But with this sort of thinking, i find that i constantly get let down because i am constantly pushing the boundaries. And one day, i realize that i've gone so far that there is just no turning back. And being let down hurts big time. And talking about time, time and tide waits for no man. So, would you subscribe to the give love a chance or would you subscribe to cutting your losses? Tough one.
Have quite a bit more to blog, but too damn tired. Anyway, just a note to my faithful readers, will be putting the blog in private mode for a period. =) Just need some really really personal space. Cheers and nitez!

Stolen

Stolen off someone's blog. But thoughts that ring true to my heart. =)


Trust & Relationships
Trust is the glue which holds relationships together"Trust enables relationships to develop and flourish. When trust erodes, the relationship deteriorates. Doubts, which can creep into our thinking about the behaviour of the other person, can act like a poison and a cancer, quickly spreading to sabotage the relationship. Mistrust has a devastating impact on relationships and on the types and quality of conversations that will occur.
Whilst trust is an indispensable component of positive and productive relationships, unfortunately it is something that can all too easily be taken for granted. We may only become aware of its importance when we feel trust has been broken.
Within our relationships it is all too easy to take trust for granted and overlook its pivotal role in our interactions with others. Trust can be regarded as a fragile element of relationships which needs continual nurturing. One or two instances can raise important and lingering questions, which may remain in the background and have a silent but devastating impact on the quality of the relationship.Trust is the central pillar supporting any real relationship. With so much at stake, be it emotions, finances, children or future goals, there needs to be implicit trust for love to fully develop. Building trust in a relationship takes hard work and commitment. Trust requires that you listen to each other and communicate your needs. Trust requires honesty above all else. Once you’ve built trust, you’ve done something magical, and you should do everything in your power to keep it if you plan on maintaining your relationship.In order to know what it is your partner needs to feel safe, you have to listen to what they’re telling you. Trust takes time, but if you communicate effectively you’ll have a stronger foundation to build on. You can’t build trust if you’re constantly spending a lot of time apart from your person you're trying to build trust with.
If you love someone, would you care enough to try to forgive that person? now i realised.. that understanding is one of the pillar of a r/s, not just trust.. understand is more important then trust.. everyone is finding love.. but now i am starting to doubt that there can ever be that ONE love for u.. its not impossible.. but the ONE for u is not the one that u love the most, rather, its the one that UNDERSTANDS u the most.. he or she would accept the mistakes u made, and forgive u.. they would try to change the points where they feel that are negative and wait for you to change.. most importantly, they would give up all logical reasoning and follow their emotions.. lastly.. i honestly believe if a person loves you.. he or she would go through thick or thin with you.... that is the most valuable aspect..

Sweet.......

Trawling in the sea of love,
Just going with the flow.
I caught a pretty mermaid once,
But I had to let her go.

Now, fifty years have come and gone,
The sun is hanging low.
I'll cast my heart out one last time,
And then this boat, I'll stow.

Wait... I sense a tiny flutter..
Something's tugging at my bait!
She's pulling at my heartstrings..
Perhaps, I'm not too late!

But this angelfish is wild and strong,
And my line has gotten weak.
I reel her in so very slow,
With the tender words I speak.

She wants to bolt; she wants to dart,
She tries to swim away.
As I watch her disappear from me,
I bow my head to pray...

"Dear God, you sent me, from above,
A love that is so fine.
Please tell me, Lord, what can I do
To make this angel mine?"

Saturday, June 21, 2008

My very crappy day

Seemed like nothing went the way i would have liked it to. Was just a pretty crappy day i suppose. Eh, woke up, stone and laze around for a while, since it is after all a saturday, then headed to the pool. But it was pretty jam packed with people. Did a couple of easy laps, arms hurt, so did a little bit of swimming, then came back home. Showered, got ready to head to club. Darling asked if i wanted to ride in his car there. Took up his offer coz wanted to spend some time with him. Then reach club, was bz bz bz.... Nothing much happened at club except somehow i also dun know how to explain i had a very weird feeling. Anyway, if i had to find the closest word to describe that feeling, i think it would be the word fear. I also dunno why, but fear gripped me and all i wanted to do was to push him far far away. Not physically push him. Argh.. u get the idea. Anyway, something about us didn't feel right today. Alright, it could be the fact that i was feeling crappy so my reaction to his words were probably translated wrongly. Didn't take his car home coz he said he was going to meet friends for dinner.
Came home, picked mum up and headed for dinner. I pleaded with dad to pack food back for me, coz i really didn't feel like going out for dinner. But he begged me to go. Haa... Interesting rite? Anyway, headed to the coffeeshop. Sit down, order food also troublesome. No one wanted to say what they wanted to eat. So Dad gave up asking, and just ordered a couple of dishes. I contributed 1 of them. Then mum took out newspaper to read, daddy also. Best! Ask me go eat dinner, sit there and watch them read newspaper. So i tried to make conversation with mum, since i was with dad the whole day today. But she dun want to talk. Gave me one syllabic answers. Gave up after that. Dinner was a SILENT affair. Not a word was spoken throughout dinner. Everyone just ate their food. Sigh. Then why ask me go eat dinner. Might as well i ownself cook maggie mee at home, at least got TV to watch. But sit at the coffeeshop, no TV, nothing to talk about. Then after finish eating, both take out newspaper again. By then, i super fed up liaoz. So i say, i ownself walk back home. Heng the coffeeshop near our place. If not confirm diao there for dunno how long.
Alright. Here's the thing. What's the point of having everyone turn up for dinner if there is not going to be any dinner conversations? I look at other families sitting around us, and everyone seems to be having a good time, sitting around, chatting etc. Our table like a couple of monks who took the vow of silence. Then in the rare instances where we do talk, must watch what i say. Coz anything that is said is liable to be the cause of a fight between mum and dad. Sighz... And people wonder why i rather eat on my own or cook my maggie mee. In fact, it doesn't matter where we go for dinner any longer. I used to hate family dinners. Apparently it hasn't changed over the years. Now i don't hate it any longer, but feel that it is very pointless and meaningless. Over the years as i grew older, i've made it a point to have dinner with the folks at least once a week. But in the last 2 years, it is a chore dragging myself to dinner, eating in silence, or having the dinner end with a fight. So, conclusion, better to eat on my own or just say i'm not hungry. At least it helps me keep my sanity.
On a side note, did i ever mention that i don't like people who lie to me? Especially so when it is someone who i treasure and value? I suppose the feelings of hurt and betrayal will be a lot stronger when that happens. Yeah i know sometimes people lie coz they think it's a white lie or they feel that they are protecting you. But if you claim to be a close friend, or that i'm important, then i think i will be able to accept the truth. It might hurt for a moment. But i'll get over it. And at least i'll feel that you shared and that gains you some brownie points. But when i find out that you lie, then the question that will forever linger in my mind when you next tell me something would be, is that the truth? Or is it another of those so called white lies? Alright. I've said my piece. The day is classified as crappy. Probably one of the lower ones this year. Going to sleep. Maybe biking in the morning will cheer me up. Nitez

The day summed up

I guess i have been tired recently coz of the lack of sleep plus not enough sleep due to the fact that i keep getting woken up at the weirdest of times. Feels like i've just drifted off to dreamland when i get rudely awakened. Damn! Plus, trying to finish up the books i've bought have kept me up as well. My fault entirely.
Anyway, woke up damn early, went for breaky with dad. He needed to talk. So had breakfast with him and loaned him my listening ear. Nothing much to update there since it's the same thing repeated over and over again. Nope. He's not nagging. I suppose he just needs an outlet. Then was supposed to meet darling for coffee. But forgot to bring phone out. Then when i got home, saw the missed call and sms. Then return his call. He sounded distracted, distant over the phone. Then said he having breaky alone at Teck Whye. Hmm... Anyway, he texted later to say he needed to go see doctor coz his leg pain. Got me worried there. Thought something major happened. Anyway, accompanied him to see the doctor, and apparently he was much better after that. =)
Then headed to office for a meeting which was once again a complete waste of time. I obviously have a different perception as to what a discussion is about. I need to re calibrate my definitions for a discussion. Coz it doesn't sound quite like 1 when the manager has already made up his mind and all i'm doing is sitting there being forced to accept the whole load of bullshit. Plus, i hate being made used of. And i don't like getting my name slimed. And i don't like that you slime someone that i respect a lot. Really. Below the belt. Not acceptable. Anyway, crappy, shitty session at office. Was feeling down in the dumps. So left office at the first chance i got.
Came home, decided i could nua for a while before going for dinner. My darling sent me an e card and i managed to see it before i headed out. So it invariably brought a smile to my face. We managed to squeeze in a couple of lines before off i went for dinner. Everyone was late. Damn! Was supposed to meet at 8pm. It was 10minutes to 9pm when they showed up. Was a good thing i was prepared and brought my novel with me. So i wasn't all that pissed off that some people have no sense of time whatsoever!
Had a really nice dinner, yummy! So mood was better after food. Then someone had to leave coz watching movie. And the best part was, that was the organiser. Ha.. The power of love. The rest of us sat around for a while more before moving to Mr Bean for coffee and to carry on chatting. It was nice. It's been a while since the 3 of us hung out. There was some misunderstanding a while back and i had tried to play mediator for a while. And it's heartwarming seeing long time friends sit down and chill. Nice!
Didn't want to party after that. Was tired. Maybe i really am growing old. Or maybe coz i haven't been sleeping well, just didn't want to party even if it was at my all time favorite place DF. Yawn... I know i'm tired when i place sleep above going to DF.
Anyway, it was a interesting nite. One married mummy of 2, and one soon to be married bride, and the marriage phobic. Guess which one was I? Hee.. Anyway, Dap and I are on the same page when it comes to family and children. Maybe coz we both love kids. Sara on the other hand, probably has a lot more growing up to do. But it's not my job to tell her how to raise her children or what she should or should not do as a mummy. All i can do is share with her what i would or would not do. Hopefully something gets into the stubborn head of hers. I mean, come on, when u signed up for the job of being a mummy, then you would know its a 24/7 job with no off days, no annual leave, no medical leave etc. And it's a lifetime contract. Not a 10am to 8pm job. I guess if i'm working, i would have a baby sitter or a maid take care of the children. But nothing beats taking care of them personally, especially when they are babies. Or even if i can't take care of them personally, coz i need to work, then i will make the effort to knock off work on time and be home to spend time with my kids. Alright, these are all on the assumption that i might one day find my ideal marriage partner and be convinced about marriage, and have children. But here's the thing, i think it's totally irresponsible to leave the kids at home and run out and party and not have bonding time with the children. I've always believed that if children don't feel love when they are young, you will have many more problems to deal with as they grow older. And the greatest bond between mother and child is probably till their about 3. I could be wrong here. But maybe that's just stubborn old me talking. Anyway, no matter how angry or unsure i might be about my partner, i would never jeopardize my relationship with my children. Alright. I guess it's easier said then done. But i know i would do my darn best to be the best mum. I think Dap and i agree to this. And so, the evening wore on with us chatting about marriage, love, children etc. And it got so interesting that i actually lost my novel. Hee
But i guess i can always get another copy. Or be damn cheapskate and go borders and finish reading the book.
Finally, home. Ready to rest except World War 3 is still going on at home. Anyway, too tired to even keep the eyes open so i'll blog more tomorrow. Nitey nitez

Thursday, June 19, 2008

And so it continues

Haa... Was rudely awakened when they were fighting early in the morning. I wonder how they do it and how it's done. I wonder where they find that well and reserve to keep this up day after day after day. Why? Why? I wish sometimes i could just not care. That i could lock myself up in my room and pretend that what goes on outside my door is not the real world, that it doesn't exist. But it is way too real. That while i am sitting in my room, i will get worried. I will get anxious. That one of them will finally lose their head, lose their cool. Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe what they have between them is no longer love, but hate. The want to make each other as miserable as possible.
I look at my mum and very often whether character traits are passed through genes. I wonder whether i too would someday be like her. And that very thought scares me. It makes me want to stay as far away from relationships as possible. Or maybe, through what she does, it makes me want to walk further away from who and what she is, and probably that's why i'm more like Dad in a relationship. And yet, it isn't necessarily a good thing to be like Dad. Coz i suppose it is just too much effort, too much work.
I often look at a couple and ask myself whether i think the relationship will last. But who knows what the answer would be? Really. How do you know? I guess especially so when the relationship is not based on very concrete beliefs and the want and desire to grow together. But then again, they have. For close to 40 years, they have had a want and desire to build something and grow together. So what changed? Was it feelings that changed? Was it that over time, someone was moving forward, while the other got left behind? Or was it simply that while they had started out on the same road initially, they were actually walking down twin forks, and one day when they looked to the side, they realized that the gulf between them was too huge to bridge.
If all relationships were like that, then i'll rather stay in the dating stage forever. I would rather both of us be on our best behavior and are forever not getting enough of each other. Then when we meet, it's because we both truly want to. Last night over the radio, i heard this one listener say, love is, seeing her everyday and yet, feeling like you haven't really seen her enough. I guess its the want to be with each other, to be close to each other, without imposing. Is that really possible? Over time, do people become more demanding, more possessive? That instead of the dating stage where both parties were asking, what else can i give him/her, it has not become what else can he/she give me. Sad isn't it?
Or maybe i'm just a cynic. And so the cycle continues.

The never ending cycle

Sometimes i wonder how two people who fight so much and so hard can actually stay together for so long. Came home to shouts, chairs on the floor, doors being slammed. Over the years, i've become used to this. And although i've heard the fights and the arguments a million and one times, i will always still sit down and listen. I suppose also because i know for a fact that despite all the drama, in their own ways, they still loved one another. If not, there would be no fights.
I remembered a time where i used to panic, used to be really worried. Another drama was about to unfold. I remembered the times where i would get really scared. After all, i've always veered towards the more peace-loving side thinking that it is sometimes better to walk away from a fight when both parties are heated and talk when both are willing to listen. But i guess also, it's been so many years, the cycle has repeated itself over and over again, that i'm no longer scared now. I no longer need someone to call or someone to talk to after they have fought. Or when i come home to see so much anger and frustration among them. I play my part now to pull them apart and listen to their version of the story. I bring one out of the house or ask to go for a walk or coffee with the other. And when i think that things are better, we all head home and pretend we are a family unit all over again. And i curl up in my room and pretend to be asleep coz i'm just so tired of hearing the same story and watching the same scene repeat itself over and over again. Then as usual, i hear the fight and the shouts coming from outside the door. And i brace myself for one party to enter my room and for them to bring the fight into my room. For them to shout until one party is too tired to shout, too tired to fight and for them to leave my room so i can sleep.
On the nights that they sleep in separate rooms, i wait for the drama to unfold when it's close to 2-3am in the morning. Then it is finally my turn to lose my cool coz i am tired and irritable and all i really want to do is go to sleep. But there is a soft side of me that cannot bear to let anything bad happen and so i will get out of bed, open the door and see that they are fine. And then, 4am comes, everyone is exhausted, and we all go to bed finally.
I suppose to me, it is obvious from the voracity of their fights that they still love and care for each other. In a rather warped sense, i suppose if they didn't they would not bother to fight any longer. I know of couples who have stopped caring, and they stop fighting. In fact, they stop talking altogether. But it's not the case here. They fight with such intensity that i know they both still care. Or maybe i want to believe that they still care. Maybe they're not the only ones who need to learn to move on and get over it. Maybe they are not only the ones who have not come to terms with what's happening and where the relationship is heading.
As i watch this cycle/scene repeat itself over and over again, i cannot help but ask myself, how differently am i conducting the affairs of my personal life? Would i be so desperately unhappy one day and not have the courage to walk away? Or would the end of such a long relationship be too painful to bear that running away from this world seems to be the easiest solution? And i suppose that's probably why people turn to suicide. Probably because they just can't handle it any longer. That no matter which path they choose, the pain is overwhelming. Love hurts.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My Favourite Wife - Tony Parsons

Just finished reading the book My Favourite Wife by Tony Parsons. He was the same author that wrote Man and Boy, Man and Wife. Most of his books revolve around the family unit and the problems that modern men and women encounter today against the contrast of old school love in a family unit. He constantly manages to bring out genuine emotion from the scenes that he is writing about.
To give a brief summary of what the book was about, it was in fact about a man who uproots his life from London to head to Shanghai with his wife and daughter for hopes of a better life, better pay, better work. In Shanghai, he is faced with temptation and Tony Parsons takes us through the changes and internal turmoil that he is facing. The protagonist of the story, a man named Bill would eventually find his life and his family being threatened by temptation and opportunity. He would slowly see himself evolve into the very sort of person he disliked in the first place. And his story tracks the path that he chose, the mistakes that he made, the power and beauty of the wedding vows and the very essence of what a marriage is supposed to be.
The book also discusses the issues and feelings of the China women who were usually mistresses of wealthy men, chinese or otherwise, who had come to Shanghai to seek their fortunes. While some of them bring along their family, many come to Shanghai for extended periods on their own. And so they set up these women in luxurious apartments and visit them on days that they fancy. Is there really true love between these women and the men that set them up? Does every story of the mistress end on a sad note? Again, Tony Parsons manages to bring across the stories of why they choose to do the things that they have done. These women. Why they chose to be mistresses. For them, it is more a sense of survival, or being practical. It also shares of their sorrow. Who would want to be second best?
There are probably a lot of excerpts in the book that i found that i felt was very interesting. But then again too lazy to pick and post, coz then, this would seem like a book review! And i'm so way past that =P
Anyway, the book is good, so do go pick it up if you think you might want to understand more about relationships. Or you could borrow the book. Although in the book, many times, it was emphasized that the women did it more so for practical reasons rather then for love, you cannot stop but to wonder if at some point of time, they did fall in love. They did believe that one day, the man that they were with would leave his wife to be with him. That instead of it being just a 2 year posting fling, they would after 2 years leave their wifes to be with these women. But what was interesting is, when the relationship turned into real love, that was probably when things and issues became more complicated. While at the beginning, it was merely a business transaction, it has progressed into love.
These women express themselves and their thoughts and feelings through the life and shoes of Li Jing jing, one of the female characters in the book.
I suppose when anyone dates a married man, there will always be certain rules to the game where you would have to play by. You would know that occasions would be spent alone or with fellow friends. That feeling totally at ease in the company of each other would be via short getaway trips and holidays. That you never really stop looking over your shoulders. That you wonder when the wife would find out and come to the apartment and throw out all your things. Or when the guy was due to be posted back and you would realize that one day, he has stopped calling, texting, stopped turning up. But the rules of the game was simple. You basically get a part time husband, part time boyfriend etc. Don't ask for more then what you have been given. Coz if it could be done, or it could be given, it will. But if it cannot be done, why ask for it then? Li Jin JIn knew that Bill was never going to leave his wife. And she told him she wanted his baby. A reminder of their love together. And i felt sad when i read this. Because just so many women believe in this. And what was scary was, if i was in her shoes, i would probably have felt the exact same way. Although i might not have done the exact same thing. =P
Anyway, great book, great themes, great discussion points. Well worth every cent that i paid for the book!

ENR

After much deliberation, decided to head out to bike. Maybe i was tired. Maybe i was drained. Maybe i was just irritated by the nonsense at work. Lots and lots of maybes....
But there was no maybe that rang true to my heart except the maybe of seeing him today! Guardian called in the afternoon. I missed the call somehow. And when i got to office, i noticed the missed call on my phone, and called him back. In the moments of waiting for the call to be picked up, i first felt a feeling of anxiety. Was he alright, is everything ok? Did something happen? Did he need my help? As it turns out, all he wanted was to have a cup of coffee and chill coz he was at the workshop near my office. But this afternoon's encounter made me understand something really important. That whilst i will always care for Guardian, worry about his well being, wanting to be kept abreast of the things that are going in his life, the truth was that i was just glad he was fine and happy. I have stopped wanting us to have a future together. I have stopped pinning for him. In the months and years that have passed and i had been waiting for him to return, i have finally stopped wishing that we would eventually get back.
Guardian was my first love. And i've come to understand that you don't necessarily marry the man you loved the most and most deeply. First loves are usually the most beautiful. That first touch, that first kiss, that first intimacy.... But there it was. Lots and lots of first, and picture books after picture books of memories. Some beautiful, some ugly. But most picture books only tell of the beautiful times. The holidays, the outings, the anniversaries, the birthdays etc. And i realized that those were the ones that were etched in my head/heart. That i will forever remember the beauty of our love. The times we spent together, the memories and life we made together in the time that we were together. But something had changed fundamentally in our relationship. The practical side of me understood that what we could not deal with and come to an agreement on in the last 12 years, were unlikely to be resolved with us getting back together. That these issues were too sunk in. That if they could have been resolved, we would have done so a long long time ago. And as i see the smiling face, i realize that our happiness might not lie with each other, and that we had to be prepared to accept it. Maybe he accepted it a long time ago, years back, and moved on. But i had not. And in the process dug a deeper hole to bury myself in the beautiful memories and moments.
Our encounter today brought out a well of emotions deep within me. The sense of relief that he was doing well. Happiness knowing that he was happy. A tinge of regret and the maybes. But the most important thing that got to me was, do i really want to walk down the same path again? Or would i want to do it all over again? Have i over the long months and year, desensitize myself to the beauty of relationships?
I so very much want to fall in love without a care in the world. I so very much want to be the fairy tale princess where my prince charming and i will live happily ever after. But i don't believe in it anymore. What Guardian robbed me of was the child-like belief and innocence. That love was a beautiful thing. In fact, love hurts. Love hurts more then any physical pain i can imagine. So would you dive head down, and nose in, knowing that a relationship was doom to start off with? I know how difficult it is for me to pull myself out when i am in love. Maybe those are the characteristics of the taurean monkey. And how difficult to walk away from a person. But i also know that i don't want history to repeat itself over and over again for me to re learn the same lessons that i had already learned but refuse to acknowledge. How many more times must i fall before i walk around that hole? And that was probably all i could think about all along the ride.
Anyway, on a lighter note, headed off to ENR after picking Teryn up from her place. Didn't do the full two loops as my legs started to hurt after the first loop. Decided to go easy on them. During dinner, i heard something that bugged me in a rather peculiar way. Someone said they thought they stopped seeing me at trainings coz i was burnt out. Then some other guys were discussing that maybe sundown had been such a bad experience that i had developed a phobia. Or boinked. All their reasons were valid. I was burnt out, i had developed a fear and dread that i didn't use to have, and i was mentally, physically and emotionally drained. Sundown had indeed scared me. And made me see that i was not infallible.
But that said and done, i'm glad i headed out to bike today although it was a short ride with the ride not being up to standard. It didn't make my not so good day very much better coz still bogged down by the sore knees and hams. But it gave me alone time to think and sort out my thoughts and feelings. Something that i had not done in the last couple of weeks. I so need to get away and just chill and decide where exactly do i go from here?
Would you really be able to enjoy a story, knowing that there was no ending to it?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The little things

Sometimes i know that i shouldn't get bogged down by the little things. And yet they so so irritate me at times. Anyway, Monday went by in a breeze. Although didn't go for swim training again. Teryn, Dion and Ying smsed me. Kena scolded by Dion, ask why recently never go swim also never turn up for dinner. Oppss... Next week confirm will be there lah! Rain also i go there sit down and see the swimming pool! Onz?
Eh, tonight suppose to have ENR. But maybe coz quite long like never train, a little off. Not even sure i want to do ENR tonight. But Teryn says want to go down and ask me to pick her up. Or we could do West coast macs to Tuas. Maybe longer distance, but speed more sane. But if go ENR, shorter distance, but crazy speed. Hmmm decisions decisions. Haven't decide yet leh. But time to really decide if signing up for PD race before meeting anyone tonight. Sure kena pressured to sign up for PD race. HMmmm, scratch head.
Alright... my post all a lot of rubbish. Maybe coz dunno what to blog about. Or maybe got thing to blog about, but not sure if want the whole world to read about it. Maybe i should make my blog private. Actually i quite miss the days where my blog was private and i was free to express every little minute detail of my life. Where i was free to rant and rave, vent my frustrations, and most importantly, share my deepest and darkest secrets and feelings without fear of repercussions. Or maybe i should keep this as a generic blog and have another one just for my heart. Haha...
Eh, xiao liao lah... Crazy liaoz. Damn sian really. Don't feel like training. But maybe ENR will cheer me up tonight. *Cross fingers.
Oh, i almost finished reading Tony Parson's book. The favorite wife. Amazing, fantastic, just like the other books he has written. Ok lah, blog more tonight.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

My Dream

It was an awesome week on the whole! Being with Auntie Rosalind seems to bring a smile to my face. It always feels good when i return to Hong Kong to be able to sit down and chat with her about anything under the sun. Maybe it's this thing called family ties? Or maybe it's me knowing that she wants to know and share and find out about my life, sharing her experiences without imposing. Always letting me make my decisions and choosing the path that i want to take in life. Auntie Christine and i are not as close. But as it is, being with them feels real comfortable. Like on normal days, we could be miles and miles away. But the thought that they are family and are people that i can rely on brings a really bright smile to my face and brightens up my world.
I suppose that's why some people feel the exact same way when they are in love. That feeling of warmth and familiarity. That love transcends the distance between two people. Anyway, didn't hang out all that much with Auntie Rosalind and Auntie Christine, but i must say we did spend quite a bit of time sitting around, smoking and chatting. And it was good to know that some things can be said between us at ease without having to worry about getting scolded. Or me just wanting to share coz sometimes i feel a little overwhelmed, plus i might not have enough life experience to deal with things.
So basically the whole weekend was great. Kinda like a dream. A very beautiful dream. But again, we all know that very often, you cannot control the outcome of your dream or what happens in your dreams. Or you will never know when you will wake up from the dream while you are sleeping. It's not something within your control. Like you might have the most pleasant of dreams, and wish you didn't have to wake up. And yet, maybe at the most interesting or exciting or beautiful part of the dream, you suddenly wake up and realize that you never found out the ending.
My weekend dream was perfect in most ways possible. Except for the fact that i had intermittent sleep and therefore it wasn't a dream from start to end. But paused ever so often, and when i fell back to sleep, it took for me some time for the dream to resume. If i look past the fact that it was intermittent sleep and dreams, then it was probably as beautiful as any really really beautiful and romantic a dream could have been. =) So i suppose it still ranks pretty high on my list of great things that have happened all weekend. I suppose it was as good as it would ever get.
But on the downside, i guess that's the question that i have been asking myself ever so often lately. Is it good enough? Would i have to once again compromise on the things i believe in, only to eventually realize that it was the things that i believed in, in the first place, that was going to help me through. I guess at the back of my mind, i have my answer, but deep down in my heart, i want to give love and give us a chance.
Over the weekend, while we were shopping, a rather interesting conversation took place. Was out buying shoes, when this came up. In the shop, there were rows and rows of beautiful new shoes. Some shoes would suit your taste, some would not. But the important thing is that they are all new, bright, and definitely better looking then the old pair that are on your feet at this moment. Here's the thing, most people, buy a new pair of new shoes and would forget about wearing the old pair. Or if the old pair is spoilt, then just throw it away and buy a new pair. However, is the old pair is comfortable, you might not want to throw it away. After all, the old pair of shoes have walked miles after miles with you. I guess this applies to mankind and relationships in general. Who doesn't like something new? It's interesting, there are stuff to find out about each other, every moment spent together is like a new exploration of things. But i guess one year from now, the 'new' pair of shoe you bought would then again become old. What next? Another new pair of shoes?
There is probably more to this abridged version of the conversation that took place over the weekend. But i suppose this is not as important as the conversation that i had with both Aunties. The fact that in the process, not only would i be the one who would be deeply hurt, others who are innocent and only by the fact that they know me, will get hurt. Honestly, i would be sad if the people around got hurt. Or him for that matter. And therein lies the problem. Because, what started as a little spark, has become a fire. And fires must be handled with care. I really just hope at the end of the day, we would not have already been burnt by fire. But what scares me the most is, somehow, i have a tendency to play with fire, and i have never been able to walk away without getting burnt.

其实他做的坏事我们都懂
没有什么不同
眼光闪烁 暧昧流动
闭上眼当作听说
其实别人的招数我们都懂
没有什么不同
故作软弱 撒娇害羞
只是有一点别扭
傻瓜也许单纯的多
爱得没那么做作
爱上了我不保留
傻瓜 我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤
傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

This post is for you!

You know who you are. And this post is written just for you!
All parents were kids once. The kind of childhood that you experience might have been different from the one that your children are experiencing. Where once, policemen used to patrol and walk around in shorts, i have never even seen that happening in my time.
I believe majority of parents do things for the good of their children. I know of many parents in fact who would rather have less themselves so that their children can have more. And i know many a times, a parent's love for the child is unconditional. It doesn't matter whether the child is a murderer or an arsonist. At court, you've heard of parents pleading for mercy on behalf of their children when it was the parent that was hurt in the first place. But while you place emphasis on the so called things that you feel are right, it is always good to take a step back and view things from a different perspective.
Let me share with you a real time example. Many people have often asked me why i am not close to my mum. Why daddy and i are so close. The truth of the matter is this. Nothing i ever did was ever good enough for mum. When i scored 95 marks, instead of praising me and telling me i did a great job, she would ask, how come lose this 5 marks. Why so careless? Or you never study hard enough ar? But school was not always the thing i excelled the best in. Sports was always my forte and while growing up, my greatest strength was probably being an athlete and a leader. These were the things that were really really important to me. Sure, i knew my responsibility was to study hard, get good grades. But to me, sports and my leadership positions were equally important. A person's character is not determined by the number of As they get for A level or O level.
So for the longest of time, i shunned away from my mum. Coz we were always fighting and arguing. Always quarreling. And as you know, children and teenagers tend to be more self-centered. So, while you are disagreeing or not allowing them to do the things that they so long to do, they become resentful, start to move away from you and you, as a parent has hurt them as much as u feel that they have hurt you or that they are being unreasonable and demanding. On top of hurting them, fighting and quarreling with them only serves to push them further and further away from you and making them feel bad about themselves. Coz what they have valued as important, you have choosen to belittle it.
If you can step out of your parent mentality for just a moment, then you might be able to understand what i'm writing. It's the same as in a friendship, relationship etc. Why do couples fight? Because sometimes, everyone thinks their point of view is right. If one person can take a step back at that point of time, the fight might have been avoided. And more importantly, in any given relationship, how are the tough issues resolved? They are resolved through a series of communication and compromise. If one party feels that it no longer is a discussion but rather an order, the person will start feeling angry and resentful. I remember someone telling me once, the tone of voice is very important.
As i grew older, i have learnt to take a step back and view the world from the eyes of my mum. Also, i suppose age tends to make you a little more matured plus a little more empathetic. And i can see, in her own ways, she was protecting me. She was hoping to give me what she never had a chance to have. And she hopes that in having and excellent education, i can become better then what she is today. I have come to realize that she never got a chance to go to university. And that was probably why it was so important for me to head off to university. It was a dream/wish unfulfilled.
I'm not saying the fault is mine or hers. Just like my favorite saying, it takes one hand to slap, but two hands to clap. Sometimes, it is not right for the parent to place their lost dreams and wishes on your children. And honestly, fighting and ordering, especially pulling rank on them, like i'm your mum, i know best or i'm your dad, i know best doesn't usually get the desired effects. More importantly, i think families that have children that work things out best are those that bother to sit down and talk. Stop treating your teenagers/children like when they were really young. Talk to your children and teenagers like how you'll talk to your treasured friend or lover.
Ask them what is it that they want and why they want certain things. And also, how parent and child can come to a consensus. I remember the only time mum and i managed to sit down and have a heart to heart talk while i was schooling was when i sat her down, and told her, no matter the cost or the price i had to pay, i wanted to be in track and field. And all she wanted was for me to have good grades coz end of sec 2 was when we chose our subject combinations and she wanted me to do triple science and double humanities like Kor. So we made a compromise. If i could get into the subject combi that she wanted, then i was free to do track and field for the rest of my secondary school years. And true enough, from the bottom few of the class, i became one of the few who went on to do a triple science, history, geo combi which incidentally only had one class and was super tough to get in. But what drove me to work harder in school was knowing that i could then do track and field in peace.
So for whatever reasons you fight with your kids, stop and think can i do this differently? Is this the best way to show them that i care for them and support them? Do i eventually want to create a gulf between us? Have i over the years, stopped being my children's best friend but become a school teacher/principal that they hated?
Just remember this. All of us were created differently. I mentioned in one of my earlier posts before that GOD created all of us with different talents. If everyone was great at studying and getting A1s, then there will be no need for streaming. There would be no need to sit for any exams coz after all, everyone will ace it. But truth is, GOD made some of us better cooks, some of us better dancers, some of us better musicians, some of us better lovers etc. And each of us should maximise our love and our potential. And end of the day does it really hurt to be supportive to your children to a certain degree? I'm sure if you explain things to them and sit down calmly to talk about things, any issue can be easily resolved. =)
Just my two cents worth really.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Have you ever played a game?

Simple question for a simple minded person like me. So my very straightforward answer to this question would be YES. I've played many games in my life. From playing catching while i was a kid, and a hosts of other children invented games. Played hopsotch, played five stones, zero point, one leg, rounders and frisbee in primary school. And as i grew older, other games like basketball, soccer, netball.
There was only 1 thing in common in all the games that i've ever played. And that all games have rules. Ok. There are probably other stuff that are common in the games that i've ever played. On top of having rules, mostly it takes above 1 person for the game to be played with some satisfaction. But my post today is about that one singular similarity in the games we play.
Before anyone plays any games, there is the most important thing of knowing what the rules of the game are. What scores you points, what doesn't. In the ball games that i've played, i would have to know how many players on each side. Games can be modified from time to time. But the rules will always be the basis of how the game is played. Like how many players, what can be done, cannot be done. What warrants a red card, a yellow card. What gets you kicked out of the game. Or how long the game must be played for a winner to be determined.
Now imagine playing a game of netball. There are 7 players a side. There are 5 reserves usually, and there can only be 3 change of players throughout the whole game. 4 quarters are being played, each quarter is 10minutes long. On top of that, there are the endless rules within the game itself. Like no dribbling, no close pass, no body contact etc. So with the set of rules drawn up, the players know what to expect. And what can or cannot be done. Let's just say, somewhere along the way, 1 group feels that they would like to change the game. If both groups, after listening to the changes of rules and how the game must now be played is agreeable, then once again, a game can be played. But if one group is disagreeable, then once again, we have to modify and make changes so that a consensus can be reached.
Now let's just say once again, that after numerous changes, no consensus has been reached. Then no game can be played. And that is probably the end of the whatever shortlived game there was.
For lack of a better word, i sometimes feel that relationships are very much like the games we play. Maybe saying that a relationship is a game we play has some negative connotations to it. But what i'm saying is that often, when people just meet and get into a relationship, because of the intensity and the passion and the want to be together, they forget to define the boundaries of the relationship. The boundaries of the relationship is probably akin to court space of your netball, basketball game or the perimeter of your soccer pitch. And the expectations and things that are required to sustain any given relationship would be like the rules of your games. There are games with a time frame and those that don't. So in a way, relationships are also like that. Some relationships last a lifetime, while some last for a month, 3 months, 6 months etc. While some relationships last that long, some people also state a specific time for a change to happen. Something that they expect.
So let's go back to the game. In any given game, someone came up with the rules a long time back. Meaning before this game was ever played for the first time, someone said, hey, you can do this, you can't do that etc. And in a relationship as well, there would be a more dominant person and a more submissive person. Not in the sexual manner you are probably thinking about. But more likely there will be a person who leads the relationship, and sets the boundaries and rules. Well done to those who have managed to find the balance between the two and come together for a compromise. And there are those who cannot reach a compromise and soon part ways. Such is a relationship. And so, i think many a time, a relationship is like a game. Why else would you constantly hear words like, mind game, mental game, games of the heart etc?
Anyway, the above posting is just food for thought. =)

Monday, June 09, 2008

Today is a happy day!

Alright, was a little upset that i had to be in office at 10am this morning for a silly meeting that i think can be done in 1 hr, but because the manager like to talk so much, it usually drags on for 3 hours. Anyway, the power of positive thinking. Was supposed to pick Gu Ma up from the airport this morning as well. Her flight was supposed to be at 11.50am. So was still thinking how to do the juggling act. Then in the end, dad offered to pick her up. So was a little happier i guess. Then the best thing happened. Manager called at about 8.50 this morning to ask whether can move the meeting to afternoon. Haa... He sounded like he was still in bed. No wonder considering there was soccer last night =P
So i was in a happier mood all of a sudden. Then dad smsed to say he lazy to go pick Gu Ma up. Ask if i was free to go pick her up. I obliged. Anyway, i was excited to see her. It's been 6 months since i last saw her.
So went to airport to pick her up, brought her out to makan before heading home. Then again, good news. Manager sms to say the afternoon meeting has been cancelled. Then ask if can meet on Friday instead after internal training. I super happy lor. Coz i really really really didn't feel like heading back to office today. Today just want to chill. Hehe...Lazy lah. But today just felt like a non working day =P So let me be lazy for a day, coz the rest of the week is going to be hectic. Plus my other auntie is coming to Singapore tomorrow with her friend. So i need to pack my room a little and decide what clothes to bring over to Kor's place since i have only a pair of shorts and t there. Hehe...
Ok. I have other reasons to be happy. Only thing that is spoiling my otherwise happy day is that the cough is back. Spent the night coughing and coughing, so didn't sleep well. Plus my lower back hurts big time. Not sure why. Maybe i need another massage. Or maybe my back is telling me it needs a good workout. Haa... Ok. Post later tonight before i go to bed.

Another MTV. Hee.. This song lyrics has been in my head for days... Also dunno why.



我发现站了好久 不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我 再多人陪只会更寂寞
许多话题关于我 就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可 委屈却没有人诉说
夜半信仰丛白剥落 拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候 想你更多
如果你也听说 有没有想过我
想普通交朋友 还是你依然会心疼我
好多好多的话想对你说 悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和 舍不得 又无可奈何
如果你也听说 会不会相信我
对流言会附和 还是你知道我还是我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多 冷漠的人就你一个
想到你想起我 胸口依然温柔
许多话题关于我 就连我也有听过
我想我宁可都沉默 其实反而显得做作
夜半信仰丛白剥落 拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候 想你更多
如果你也听说 有没有想过我
想普通交朋友 还是你依然会心疼我
好多好多的话想对你说 悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和 舍不得 要无可奈何
如果你也听说 会不会相信我
对流言会附和 还是你知道我还是我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多 冷漠的人就你一个
想到你想起我 胸口依然温柔
如果你也听说 有没有想过我
想普通交朋友 还是你依然会心疼我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多 冷漠的人就你一个
想到你想起我 胸口依然温柔
如果你想起我 你会想到什么

Hehehe

Alright. Can't think of a title, so decided the title would reflect my mood. And although it's super duper late. But i can't resist posting before heading to bed. =)
My originally very average and a little on the emotional downside weekend ended on a high note. So i guess i can't complain eh? Managed to move things to Kor's place and also play mahjong!
So after this afternoon's post, i started moving things to Kor's place. Already the sms for mahjong had come in earlier and i was actually debating whether i wanted to go play mahjong or would he meet up with me tonight. After much consideration, i decided to head off to play mahjong at Jon's shop. After all, with the emotional roller coaster ride i had with him all weekend, was kinda expecting us not to meet up.
Guess what i had for dinner? At the exact same place i had lunch this afternoon. By dinner time, my mood had considerably improved. Guess food does wonders for me still. Anyway, lunch i had the botak burger, then dinner i had my steak. So, was in a rather good mood already. After that, i headed down to Jon's shop. By the first 'dong' i had already lost close to $80. Whoa... Was a little disappointed with the cards actually. But to cut a really long story short, i won at the end of the night. Hehe. Won $65 in total. Although haven't collected money since no one except me brings money to the shop since i always seem to be the only one who loses anyway. So, i have credit when i play mahjong the next time. I can't quite decide if i believe in a lucky someone or based on the law of averages, it was about time i won. But then again, before my friend came, i was close to buying more chips. So either it was a serious coincidence in timing, or there really is such a thing as a lucky someone in the world.
So other then the fact that i had a pretty decent night at mahjong, why am i feeling so gleeful?
The whole weekend was sort of topsy turvy, sort of riding on the roller coaster emotionally. I actually was prepared not to see him the whole weekend as i had posted earlier. So it was a really really pleasant surprise and really made me glad that he made time to see me on both days this weekend. But the funny thing was that while we were out, i felt that he was really cold towards me. Sort of like, even when we hugged and kissed, he was pushing me away emotionally. I can't quite explain to you how i felt this way, but i just did. And i guess that left me confused, scared and upset. Somehow i felt that he must have wanted to see this weekend for him to ask me to accompany him for his work. And yet, when i saw him, i felt like he was there physically with me, going through the motion and emotionally was pushing me away. Sounds weird i know. But it really really got to me. I didn't understand why that was so. Already on Saturday night, i was very disturbed by it. And my mood was horrid. Which was also one of the reasons why i didn't race this morning. Coz everything suddenly felt wrong.
Ok. I admit. I am and have always been someone who is very emotional. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I can be the most rational and cool person when it comes to any other things. But when it comes to the men in my life and when my heart is at stake, my emotions win over the head any time, any day. Maybe it's coz i've never had a relationship that really ever worked out. And therefore, i probably have a lot more emotional baggage as compared to others. And because i'm a taurus, i take time to warm up to people and things. And one of the things that scare me is when i get emotionally close to people. Coz i know then, that they have the power to hurt me. So i've always been pretty careful about opening my heart to people.
Anyway, i'm glad we cleared the air between us earlier on this evening. Sort of at least. It's a little tough to clear the air while smsing. But had no choice coz already promised Jon to go play mahjong. Wanted to meet up with him when he asked if we could meet up. Plus his sms sounded like he wanted to end things between us. Anyway, he came down to look for me while i was playing mahjong. When he reached Jon's shop after searching quite long for it, i started winning. So in a way, he is my lucky star. Hehe... And i went on to recoup all my losses. But that was not why i was very happy. I was glad for his presence. Not just at Jon's shop. But for him being in my life. Alright. I'm rambling now. Will go write him an email instead. Tough to blog about it. Just know that the weekend went well for me, and that it ended on a high note!

Sunday, June 08, 2008

DNS

Yeah! Haha... I also dun know why i so happy since i DNS this morning!
Anyway, i didn't go for my City Duathlon. But after reading the reviews for the race, i'm sorta glad i didn't turn up. Woke up at 5am, and after washing up, did some stretching and warm up. And then i asked myself if i really wanted to do the race. Somehow, Julzzz's words kept resounding in my head. Plus yesterday evening when Dion smsed me and tell me there will always be other races and better if don't push my body. So i decided to head all their advice, and crawled back into bed. =) Ok. The truth is also i didn't feel prepared at all coz whole week never work out. Haven't gotten on my bike since 2 Sunday's ago trifam sprint. Plus, i haven't even tested my legs to see if they would run well today!
But judging from the horrid reviews i heard about the event, i am pretty glad i missed it. At least i don't have to wash bike, wash running shoes, gear etc, since transition area was damn muddy. But i suppose i'll always feel like i'm not prepared enough for my events. But next race should be Port Dickson Tri. And by hook or by crook, i should be taking part! No more excuses. Which means, more solid training ahead!
Met up with a friend earlier on to hang out and have lunch. Went to Botak Jones for lunch. Not too shabby, though fries could have been a little more well cooked. They seemed a little soggy to me. But that's my personal take once again. Now back home and thinking whether i should go entertain the guys to play mahjong or should i just start moving stuff to Kor's place. Hehe...
Anyway, here's the newest chinese song that has caught my fancy. Really nice lyrics. Plus the MTV is so moving! Wah..

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Weird Feeling

Often when i date a guy that blows hot and cold with me, i wonder whether it's him or it's me. I wonder whether it's coz i'm in a lousy mood and need more pampering and he is just being him and therefore i feel a little unloved and neglected or the opposite. But today while i was out, i had a rather weird feeling. Like somehow, the things he said were mean and spiteful. Not in an intentional manner, but like he really didn't care less whether i was alright or not. But when i voiced it out, he said it was coz i didn't sleep enough. But i still felt a little sad. Felt like i didn't mean very much to him.
Alright. I admit i have my insecurities. And at times i would like to hear some reassuring words. For him to without prompting reach out and hold my hand or lean in to kiss me. Or tell me i matter and i'm important to him. I can understand that men are creatures that are less vocal about their feelings. And he has often told me that i should be able to feel that he cares and all. But there are some days like today when i can't feel it. I suppose also the situation that we're in makes me a little more insecure.
Anyway, i was prepared not to meet him the whole weekend. So meeting him today was once again a pleasant surprise. But somehow, after we parted ways to go home, i still felt a little heavy in the heart and a little sad. Oh well, i suppose i probably just need to learn to keep my feelings in check and to place less emphasis on what he does or doesn't do. But i suppose in all new relationships, what your partner does or does not do seem to matter quite a bit. And i've been jumping the gun with him far too many times just coz he's so lovable. Anyway, maybe it's just me being emotional. And if i use a little more of my head, i'll be fine!

Nite out

Friday went by in a rather routine fashion. There was horse racing tonight. Went to club to help daddy. But all in all, the whole day before horse racing was great. Went for coffee, then go do a closing, then went to TAS to pick up race kit for Sunday's race, then headed to Kor's place for a while. Was supposed to take a nap. But alas, didn't managed to. Then go turf club. Then went to Dragonfly.
Its been a while now since i the 5 of us came out to party together. There was Me, Sara, Jeannie, Donald and Ken. On my birthday, Sara had just given birth for a week, so was still stuck at home. Only saw the other 3 that night. So it was a pretty fun nite out i would suppose. Bumped into Patrick at Dragonfly as well, and as usual, he was damn high before midnite. Came over to hug me from the back and tried to drag me to his table to drink. But not very keen on joining him. Plus i don't like it when he's this high. Most times, he's pretty nice to chat with. With the exception of when he's intoxicated. So anyway, after i told him i'll go over to his table later, he left. Then Ken ask me funny question. Ask if he was an old flame. =P Please lor. Patrick is probably the kind of guy that i would avoid at all costs! Then Ken say we look very intimate. Faint!
I suppose in all my years of hanging out and partying, i've known many many guys like Patrick. Men who get a little touchy when they are intoxicated. But i've always accepted that it's normal. Of course there is a line that one must not cross. And so for me, often, the hugs are fine, the kisses on the cheek are fine. But don't try grabbing. I'll not condone it. Like i hug superman from behind all the time. He does it back to me. Or even YB, TG. But i guess the difference is we do it even when we are sober, rather then need the presence of alcohol to find some dutch courage.
Anyway, i missed Superman's presence at DF coz he had to head home early. Met Mich for a while, she was there with her friends, but didn't manage to catch her again after the 1am set. Then met Jiahua who was trying to pick up a girl sitting at the next table from ours. Jovester and gang was there as usual. And surprise surprise when i saw Ja Ja close to 4am when i was about to leave. Anyway, she looked a little over the top, so stayed on with her for a while more when Sara and gang left. All in all, a pretty decent night, though i probably stayed out later then i would have liked to. Was kinda tired. Came home this morning and slept about 6ish. But sort of like interrupted sleep. Woke at about 9ish and went back to sleep waking up almost once every hour till 1pm when i decided i needed food more then i needed to sleep. =)
Saab City Duathlon tomorrow morning. Not sure if i want to race just yet. Frankly speaking, on a scale of 1-10, i would say my enthusiasm level is probably a 4. Which means there is pretty high chance i'll forgo the race tomorrow. Also coz mum is being totally irritating. I already told her i needed the car on Sunday for the race. And i told her this like last week. And told her if she needed to get anything done this week, to let me know early so that i can get it done and arrange it. And whole week, she say nothing to do. Suddenly, she need to do things tomorrow. And so i can't take the car. Sighz. And i am feeling a little exhausted, so didn't want to fight with her. But i guess that's one reason why mum and i are not close. Coz she's forever acting up!
Ok. Other then the fact that i have no transport and i hate having to take a cab to the race site, i guess i'm still coughing. My knees and ankles are still slightly hurting. Plus Julzz absolutely scared me off with the permanent damage to ur body comment. Race route has gravel and sand all over. Plus, it rained today. So biking will be a bitch tomorrow. And since we are going through all the construction sites, there will be a huge element of danger which i would rather not be there. So, there is actually quite a few reasons why i should just skip tomorrow's race. But haven't found anyone who wants to take over. =(

Friday, June 06, 2008

Walk with me

I woke up this morning feeling tired. Exhausted. Drained. Not just physically, mentally but also emotionally. Nothing major happened. But somehow, i felt very overwhelmed this morning. And it sure has been a rather long day for me judging from this post. And to think i actually thought i would have an early night this evening. But oh well, i guess it was worth staying up! =)
I think i've always been a rather emotional person. And i attach myself to things pretty quickly. And when i care about something, i do so with a huge amount of fierce intensity. And i suppose, there are pros and cons to stuff. But over the years, i suspect i've blocked out the feeling to feel. I would like to believe i've become more rational, more logical and less of a listen to my heart sort of person. Sure, my gut feel still works occasionally, and once in a while i still get bad vibes. But when it comes to people, i would think i've become less trusting. Especially so when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm wondering at this point of time whether it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as a result.
Or maybe sometimes, it's just a lot easier to not dwell on the issues and things that need to be sorted out. And that at times, i think that as long as i can shove it under the rug, and it isn't an eyesore, or it doesn't bug me that much, then i probably can live with it. The only time i have to seriously consider and think about it is when it becomes an issue and problem. Okie. Obviously i'm not really making sense at 3 in the morning and this topic needs a lot more thought.
So on a lighter note, the day in general was alright. Was pretty tired throughout the day. But managed to catch a short nap while i was on the train. Yes. You heard me right. I was on the MRT today. =) Was supposed to meet some friends for dinner, but it was between dinner and earning a 100 bucks. I picked the latter. Just ended and came home. Very tired actually. So this will be a short post. I will write more about the above topic after i give it some thought. A little hard to explain right now coz it's still all jumbled up in my head and i'm a little confused. Probably over the weekend.
Oh, someone i respect pretty much msned me today. And asked if i was really doing the duathlon this Sunday. And told me to reconsider doing it coz it might potentially do permanent damage to my body. I thought it was very sweet of the person. And probably coz i respect him lots and he was a huge help to me when i was starting out in this sport, i told him i would seriously give it some thought. But still in a dilemma really. But i guess i have 2 more days to sleep on it and come up with a conclusion. My Zzzzzzz monster has been calling since 8 this evening and i think i ought to go and pacify him. Nitez u all!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Just me

Doesn't take a genius to figure out which is my all time fav poem by Shel Silverstein. =)
Pretty normal day for me today i suppose. Went for appt, went to office. Only thing that probably got me a little bothered was i was supposed to meet my friend at 7.45pm. We were supposed to go meet someone else. But as usual, i get carried away when i'm at work. Plus was chatting with my UM. And all of a sudden, i realized it was 7.40pm. Rushed out of office and home. The irritating thing about driving a van is you can't drive on the 1st lane. And the other irritating thing about some drivers is simply, if you're going to be driving at 60km or 70km/hr, stay in the 3rd lane!!!! Didn't they teach u this in driving school? Anyway, got home late definitely. Considering how far it is between home and ofc. Felt really horrid for making my friend wait. Plus, making him late for his appointment. Anyhow, he wasn't too angry i suppose. But still somehow felt bad.
Erm, hung out for a while after meeting with his friend. Had a little chat before coming home. Seems like of late, other then updating each other about our day and some of our thoughts and feelings, we have been talking about really serious stuff. =P I suppose it's a good thing that we're both laying our cards out on the table first before taking the plunge. Just so we know how far and how deep the water is right below.
Have you ever been to an arcade recently? I have. I suppose i've always enjoyed going to the arcades. Somehow, it takes my mind off the problems at hand and transports me into a world that is worry free. I have games that i enjoy playing very much. But then again, usually at the off peak hours where i don't have to compete with the hordes of teenagers and school going kids. I go through phases when going to the arcade. I remembered the time where i was crazy about daytona. Then there was the dance dance revolution and para para stage. Then came the drums stage. And finally now, i am at the hoops stage. But one thing that has changed dramatically in my arcade behavior was that when i was relatively younger, i used to enjoy playing games that gave out tickets. I would collect many many tickets and redeem them for gifts. Friends used to say i was crazy. Coz the amount of money i spent at the arcade, i could have easily bought the soft toy or easily bought whatever it was i exchanged it for. But somehow, it just felt different.
I suppose you could look at it in a different perspective. I get my money's worth coz i enjoy playing the game, and on top of that, i get my soft toys or whatever gift i wanted to use my tickets to exchange. =) But here's the thing. After a while, i stopped wanting to exchange the tickets for gifts. Maybe coz as i grew older, i outgrew the gifts. And although i still enjoyed playing some of the games, i would no longer need the tickets. Like that arcade at great world city? Every time i play hoops, they would give me tickets. Though i kinda think that they've changed the machines. Haven't been there for a while now. But, there was a point where i was playing the game still, but giving away tickets to the kids i met there.
So why this random post about arcade tickets and gifts? I guess the point that i'm trying to drive across is, at some point in my life, the tickets were really important. Kinda like earning little credits. =P And knowing that when you earn enough credits/tickets, you'll get to exchange it for something important and big. But one day, you'll wake up and realize that the important and big things aren't as important and big. Not that they aren't important and big. But rather, how important and big something is, is generally just the emphasis you place on it. And therefore, you still earn ur credits/tickets but you'll probably not use it to do the exchange. Does that make sense?