Tuesday, February 21, 2006

What does he really want?

OK. You would have thought that now that we have called it quits i would not be talking about him any longer. Alas, that is not the case.
He caused quite a stir in my otherwise uneventful day. You see, the thing is, i dropped him a friendly sms last night and this morning. Nothing pressurizing i hope. At least not to me. And the reply i got was, one of the few times he asked me a question without me posting him one first. And so i called him to tell him where i was going to stay this time round when i went up to HK. And i would be lying if i said that was all my intention. I wanted desperately to hear his voice since our last meeting where things didn't end quite so well.
And he did something rather out of the blue. In all the time that i've known him, he's never given me a detailed breakdown of his schedule. And this morning, he rattled off, telling me his appointments and exactly which part of HK he would be at. And he asked the question that i tot he would never ask. Why not fly up early to spend the weekend with me. Oh how i wished i was able to. How i wish when i had called the tour agency earlier, the agent would have told me that he would do it for me. And yet, i guess it must be the will of GOD that the guy wouldn't let me change my ticket unless two of us fly up.
And being in a mood of sheer confusion, i did get rather upset. Of course, i guess if i think hard about it, if he had really wanted to see me so badly, then he would have offered to buy me a ticket up. Then again, i guess it's one of those, well, since you are going up, and i'm bored, let;s meet up.
Of course i was torn by this mixed feeling of joy for him bringing it up versus, does he really mean it. I'm so confused. What does he really want?
I smsed him back to say i couldn't change the ticket. And he didn't bother replying. I guess it's just as well. Rather then go there and be disappointed, at least here, in the midst of a training, i am surrounded by supporting and understanding friends. Anyway, i told him i would be available on the 28th and 1st. And i did leave the onus on him to call or sms me on the 28th to tell me exactly when he would be available just so we could meet up. And i guess i;ll rather not expect too much coz i'm worried that at the end of it all, he would tell me he is unable to meet me up in HK. Funny how i felt this same way just a couple of months back when we first went up to HK together. And now, this same feeling is happening all over again.
Well, one thing's for sure. I'm not going to be so proactive. Coz i really have no idea what goes on in that complex mind of his. And i don't want to bring my hopes up. And i'm not sure if i am back up entertainment or do i really mean something to him. I'm not sure if meeting him this time is coz we already planned it before wednesday nite. I'm not sure that now the dynamics of our relationship has changed, would we still be going on a trip together in March like he promised. There are so many uncertainties. And for once, i can only truly say i can take one step at a time. I know that choices have consequences. And i choose to let him lead and i'll follow in the dance until one day when i find that he is no longer dancing and leading would i switch partners. For now, he is still the one i want to dance with.....

Sunday, February 19, 2006

My voice

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Just got home. Much to say. Didn't know how to say it. I'm actually much better with writing. So bear with it. You asked many questions and made many points just now. And i wanted to tell you how i felt. But, i guess by that point, i was already rather emotional.
First you asked me why i buy you cards and write when i can just email? Well i guess cards has a visual effect. And it involves more then just picking it off the shelf. I actually go to several shops, read the cards and pick one that best describes the message i want to convey. Anyway, i always thought it was rather sweet.
You made several points when we were sitting in your car. And here are some things i truly felt. If you had said, alright, i just have to time to pick up the cards and run, i would have done that. Sometimes, when i get something for someone special, i tend to get more excited and it's always nice to give a present. I tried sending you a present to your office before and i could tell you weren't too happy about it. And since i didn't have your home mailing address, it wasn't possible to send it to your home. But i admit. It is my excitedness and the fact that i wanted to surprise you that made me even more determined to give the cards to you.
As for what you feel about us, i guess and strongly believe on my side, it would have occurred whether or not we slept with each other. Before i slept with you, i think i was already crazy about you. This feeling didn't grow with sex. It grew with knowing you more and appreciating and loving everything you are, stand for. The good and the bad.
I was upset coz you said and talk about not wanting me to feel rejected after talking about us sleeping together. Maybe you didn't mean it as in you slept with me coz u didn't want to reject me. But i guess the context of all that you said, made me feel that way. Especially after that when you mention that there is no need to tell the truth and that one should be subtle.
I won't deny that i wasn't hurt. And the fact is that i was. Coz i'm still a rather proud person by nature. And the first thought that came into my mind was that you slept with me coz u pity me. And i don't need that. Although up till this point, i will still say i enjoyed every moment of it, i would have rather you said no, you weren't interested. But what's done is done. So, no point crying over spilt milk. THat's why i asjed what could be done from now...
When all is said and done, i seriously want to apologize and say sorry for all the added stress and pressure some of my actions have caused you. Know that i genuinely never meant any harm and it was really unintentional. I feel bad coz i know that i've truly taken away lots of your precious time. And instead of making you feel good, i've caused you undue unhappiness.
Maybe it's my style, or maybe i've truly been demanding without realising it. Or maybe it's just how you view me. WHatever it is, it didn't makke you feel good. And for all that and all the other things i might have done, i'm really, really sorry. Thanks for all your time really. Know that i appreciate every moment of it and i truly appreciate every bit of you!
Love is blind! I fell in love with you some time back . And that's why i kept your sms. That's why i sms and try to talk to you constantly. Coz i truly care and want to know all is fine. But apparently it's doing more harm then good. Maybe it's my actions that is making you feel uncomfortable. I'll keep it in check. I know the truth usually hurts. But i'm not really good at catching subtle hints. So if there's anything else that i'm doing that's irritating and bugging you, feel free to tell me.
Cheers

Full Circle

I have not been posting for a while now. I guess in my own way, i was trying to deal with my own feelings. I first started this blog coz i was extremely upset about Cow. It was during Valentine's day last year where we ended things. Not really ended. In fact, it was when problems arose and he disappeared on me.
I didn't take a long time to get over Cow coz in his own way, he was not the nicest of people. And along came Tour Guide, who mesmerised me with his words, his charm and his personality. And quickly, i got over the heartache of Cow being such a disappointment.
A day after Valentine's Day this year, TG and i had a talk. He had touched down in Singapore and smsed to say he could meet up. The talk we had was painful. Few days after we talked, i'm still thinking about how much of it is true. And just how much of it was meant to illustrate a point.
TG has been a special person in my life for some time now. Close to a year? And i guess in my own way, i adored him lots. In fact, i adore TG to the extent that i used to adore Guardian. And thus, there was no anger, no hatred. Merely a pain and hurt that i cannot describe. When Cow and i ended things, i was pissed off. Angry with him for being the way he was. For being so irresponsible. But with TG, i cannot find fault with him. Only that i knew this was to come with time. He would never have been happy with me.
We belong to 2 vastly different worlds and he has got very fixed views about woman. Views that he has acquired over the years and i am unable to change. I do not know if i have overstepped the boundaries. Neither do i know if it was pity that he gave in to me in the first place. But i do know that if there was even an inkling of pity involved, i would rather not have started anything. For some reason, i feel like i've come full circle.
In my heart, TG is still as special and important. Just like in my heart, Guardian will always reside. And i am uncertain just where the next road will take me....

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Just another day

His flight is at 8am. Pickup time is probably at 6am. That was the last i heard during our phone conversation. How tough can it be to be flying from one point of the world to another. Moments spent on the plane. Too short for sleep. Too long to be tired.
Could hear the tiredness draining from his voice. From the sounds that resonate over the telephone line, i could tell that he was so extremely tired. And i guess in the simplicity of things, i'm not sure if he could tell that sometimes, i drop him an sms or call merely in hopes of brightening up his day, or adding some warmth to his mundane routine of doing things.
So, i smsed him to say, well, here's a hug to brighten up your day and hope you feel more energised. I guess he didn't catch it. This in itself makes me think. Sometimes, people have the most positive intentions. However, unless you can understand the intention behind it, you will never be able to fully appreciate the person.
Somehow, i got the feeling that he was irritated with my sms. That i was disrupting a pattern in his work and his everyday life. That i was taking time away from his busy and hectic schedule. And all i wanted was merely to give him a hug, to cuddle him and to tell him that i understood that he was really busy.
Then again, in my model of the world, someone hugging me is perceived as a nice gesture. Maybe for him, it is merely me demanding more of his limited time.

Symbol


Rewind: A picture of fire. Burning, touching lifes around. Fire gives you warmth, gives you light. Fire moves from one to the other. It spreads on and on. The minute it touches another object, it gains from it the fuel to contiune burning.
Play: Water poured over the fire. Burning embers. Smouldering fire.
Fast Forward: The fire building up and burning strongly once again. Touching lives, giving warmth. It is stronger then before. No water can douse it.

Is the fire dying or is it merely starting?

Fun and freedom. Is that what a fire symbolises?

In ancient times, the person who controls the fire is the person who has the power. Where then does this lead us? I view fire as something that is deadly and yet we need it. Fire can rage on when you have no control over it. At the same time, when you have control over it, it can become a tool for one to make use of.
I guess many things in life are similar to the concept of fire. Does one choose to be the slave of something or the master of it?


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Self Delusions

For the greater part of the month, last month and this month, i have been denying a part of me that is there. And tonight's incident made me realise just how much he meant to me. For a while now, i've been keeping my cool, getting along with life, doing my job and just wanting to be the best person i can be. And i told myself that i would not get tangled up in a series of complicated relationship that i had no control over.
Tonight, when i saw him, i played the cool, calm, collected girl. No one present would have been able to tell that i once had a huge crush on him. No one present would have suspected for one second that i was interested in him. And as we parted, i wished him a very Happy Chinese New Year, and thanked him properly for the ang bao that he gave me.
It would all have passed over if not for the fact that the group of us sitting at down after he had left had nothing better to do then to compare ang baos. The amount given out were different. And that didn't bug me. After all, i was not really expecting an ang bao at all. So an ang bao came as a bonus. So, i headed out to smoke with some girlfriends and we got to talking about him as a person. It was not really any newsworthy topic, merely one friend saying he makes a good friend, and i chimed in. The 3rd girl met him for the first time today. Somehow, talking about him made me sort of think of him.
And so i decided to drop him a call to see if he was already home, or driving home. He sounded extremely tired and yet, i was mildly touched when he commented that he actually found the souvenir that i had earlier asked for. And he said he had something to do and would call me back. And i left the conversation, going back to join the rest for another round of drinks.
It was at the point of him smsing me that i realised just how much he meant to me. He smsed to say that he was extremely tired and did not know how to drive back home. And that he was taking a rest. And with that i got worried. I told him i would send him home. And he said it was alright. He would feel better after resting a while. And i added this one line that was so out of character for me all this while. I told him i missed him lots. And then i smsed him to ask about how come different people got different amounts for ang bao. And he didn't reply back for close to 45 mins. And finally, i did something so out of charcter with him. I smsed him to call or sms when he got home coz i was worried about him.
If you're wondering, he did call. Only to share with me that he was upset and hurt about what took place. It scared me and i pondered about it for a long time, knowing i said what i did as a joke. And yet, here i hurt this man that of late, i have grown to care so much about and love, that it felt terrible. I offered to make it up to him, telling him time and again i was sorry and asking him how i could make it up and make him feel better. After close to 20 mins of pacifying him, i think he cooled down.
I guess at that point of time, when he was losing his cool and he really did sound upset on top of sounding tired, i felt really lousy. I realised just how much this one man had come to mean to me. And i guess, all that shadow boxing was pointless. Because, somehow, somewhere, this man has crept into the night and i had given him my heart.
The situation finally lightened when we talk about ourselves. It was comforting for a short while. And i guess it's no point deluding myself anymore. The answer is plain and i merely pretend that i'm still searching.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Something special

All my life, i've never been a great conversationalist. And frankly speaking, i hate chinese new year coz i hate people asking me what i'm doing, when i'm going to get married, how come i never bring my boyfriend along and the endless questions that comes with new years. So for a long time now, i guess i haven't really opened my eyes, my ears and my heart to all the beautiful things there were around me.
This year, new year was a lot more special. There were more places to visit, more people who asked me to mit up with them, and for once, i obliged. And it turned out alright. In fact, i would say, i enjoyed being in the company of familiar old faces and i guess this year, i retreated to seek solace from these faces that have seen me grown up and old.
I've made it a point to start with one of my fewer resolutions and it has stuck on till today. Let's see how long i'll keep it up, but one step at a time gets me closer to the goal i have in mind. And for that, i think its beautiful, and special.