Monday, August 29, 2005

Coaching


Just ended a camp today. So many different ideas and thinking. So many perspectives that i had to take. SO many decisions i have to make. And at the end of the day, i think of only one word. And that word is flexibility. What works for you? Or rather, how can you make something work for you?
I met a mirror image of myself at this camp. And this time, i was her coach. Thing there must really be this thing called karma in the world. What goes round, comes round. I was the coach to this lady. And she was such a tough nut to crack. I had to go beyond the mind, to take into the feelings, to get my answer or rather to get the solutions that i had wanted to obtain.
I have been so busy over the past few days. Busy not only with the increasing workload that i have, but also busy with reflections. I believe there are things in my heart that wants to come out. How can a person survive with just being so logical all the time? Is there a time where you need to rely on your heart to make a decision? Or course. In retort to a participant, i asked her what exactly is passion? Is it a logical or non logical thing?
Anyway, just like anything else in life, there must be a measure of a mix in things. In a relationship, there needs to be a measure of love and yet logic at the same time.
Have been in conflict for some time. What have i gotten myself into when i walked back to Guardian? Will it hurt me once again? Am i setting myself up for hurt or edo i know that it will hurt and yet still plunge head on into it. But why is that so? Anyway, i searched for the answer long and hard. Papa Bear did a parts integration on me. And after i chunked up, i realize that my highest value for it all is happiness. And if i'm happy, then, why bother about the million and one questions taht i have. Just like in the case of Tour Guide, i'll just have to learn to enjoy the moment and live the now. One person's hold over another person. That's scary.
Well, all in all a unique and humbling experience for me. I must work on all things positive so that i can make my life better. And do i know that i can? Yes of course i can. Thank you!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Conflict

How can something or rather someone that brings you so much happiness also bring you so much pain? I guess somemes in life, i know that this is a process. The things that we value the most in our lives are the things that have the greatest effect on us. You see, if a thing doesn't matter to you, would it then affect you in any way? Funny how everything in life is a circle. How then do you break out of your circle and do you then expand your circle or do you manage to break out of 1 circle only to form a new one? How useful is that?
There are so many questions in life that i ponder about. Does the person hold an effect over me after so many years? Or am i finally immune to all that he does and says? As i shared with someone last night, sometimes you don't know how far you've sunk in until the point where you are under the water. Just like a boy that is going and staning by the water, told not to get out until he is allowed to. Here, he stands till he is blue in the face. Morning cimes and he is under the water. A child so young and tender, dead to the world. Dead coz he didn't know how much he could take. Until he sunk and died. Is taht then similar to my analogy that you reach a point that you do not know what has hit you. It has. And you are shocked. What started out so quickly, has ended as well. WHat started out as a bang, endfed with an explosion.
Today, after i've decided that i wanted to expand this circle, to take baby steps out of my zone. I'm back at where i've started. I'm back at this tiny circle where i feel worse then a trapped wild animal. A free animal, trappe in a cage. Then here lies another question. Would a free bird that has been trapped and fed for such a long time that it has long lost its sense of freedom. When you next open the door to the cage, will this bird fly out? Fly out into a place where for the longest of time, it had lost touch with the wild. What if it starved to death? What if it got bullied by the rest of the pack taht could see it was tamed? The spirit had been broken. The cage was open but the bird would not fly. It would not fly coz of he gear that was inherent. And the funny thing or rather the logical thisg is that this bird once so free had changed. It was no longer the bird that got caught. It was now a bird tamed. In the years the bird had morphed. The bird had done what was needed for it to keep sane.
Now given a choice, this bird is unsure. This relates back to the point at where i am. I am that bird. Looking up at the blue sky. The cage is open. Do i fly out? Would i be able to fly after not using my wings for so long. Would i ever fit in with the rest of the pack? Would i relearn how to adapt to the wilderness that i've left for so long?
What is wall? What is a line of defense? What is this thing called a defense mechanism. What is the point of building a drawbridge to keep the castle walls safe? Only to not lift it up all the time? How do people walk in to the castle? And if no one is meant to walk into the castle, why have a drawbridge? Just have a wall to keep everyone out. But when u keep people out, you too cannot go out. See the paradox of it?

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Just writing

Actually, now that i've started writing on a subject that i do not know what i'm gg to write about, i've just come to realise that its pretty tough to write continuously for an hour without stopping.
Well, i guess i will write about some of the things that have influenced my life for the last few months. I feel that after i've attended POE, i've gotten some of my goals and outcomes clarified. But the scariest thing is that sometimes, you know where you want to go. But it's like being stuck out in the desert without a map and compass. And you want to get out of the desert desperately as you are running out of rations already. And as you tell yourself that if you keep walking in a straight line, you'll eventually reach somewhere. Preferably somewhere where there is water and food. But you walk on for days and days, you are exhausted and your mind starts to poder about so many things. Questions like how long more? WHat if there's nothing? What if i think i'm walking straight but actually i'm walking in circles? All these questions bog you down. You ration your resources. But yet, there is a fear of the unknown. Of uncertaintly. It's not like on the highway where there is a continuous stream of road signs, each indicating the relative distance of all locations and the possible rest points and petrol points. At least then, you are comforted by knowing how far more you are from your final destination. Even if it's not an absolute distance/number, you know roughly how far more. Or when to stop and turn back coz you've missed your exit. SO now, i feel like my goal is to get out of this desert. But what if at the end, i don't get out? Is life such a cruel place that it will leave me here to die and my meat/flesh decayed and fed to the scavengers?
I feel that a lot of times, our lives is similar to that of the desert and the highway. How true is the saying that "All roads lead to Rome?" Is it merely something that someone who is lost says to convince him/herself? Rome being the ultimate goal or the utopia in this sense. It's like the funny thing is all my life, while i was growing up, i drew up a picture of "Rome" for myself. There was not only 1 version of "Rome". In fact, there were som many endless possibilities. "Rome was meant to define my defination of ultimate success. My view, my model of the world if you can call it that.
"Rome" was a picture of a beautiful white house with some glass panels. A big lawn/yard/garden in front with a huge garage. A mansion, 2 children,1 boy and 1 girl. A loving husband and to top it off, i had a job or rather i was a partner in a huge or renowed law firms, being one of the most feared lawyers around. Was there a little puppy in the picture? Yup. A super energetic jack russel. After a few years, when i was in secondary school, "Rome" became slightly different. This time, it was a large studio apartment that was largely white with glass panels or a penthouse. The car was still the same. A sleek 4 seater convertible. THis time round, i didn't know if i was a lawyer. But i knew that i was a head of a rather large company. With more then 500-1000 people working for me or under me. There were mo kids/husband in this picture and yet, i was happy with that. When i started dating James, "Rome" slowly morphed. Or maybe i allowed it to morph. It was no longer me in my power suit and fancy houses/apartments. It was a picture of me and him growing old together. Nothing spectacular about this picture. But from it came warmth that the previous picture did not give out. And yes, there is a YET, i merely felt contented. No true joy and overwhelming happiness. And yet, it brought warmth to my heart. For a long time, i considered the question of whether i would eventually break and become the woman that i never wanted to be. And i knew when James wanted to leave that i've learn the world 'compromise'. For someone that i loved so dearly, i was willing to throw everything away. I didn't mind being the sort o9f woman he wanted. The sort that eventually give birth, stayed home as a home maker, watch and share my children's growing years and being dependent.
But this was never the life i wanted. Not a simple sort of life. I would never have been happy. I just wanted to believe so much. And yet, at times i ask myself.. if happiness is achieving your goals, the if James and i were together, then shouldn't i be happy? Is it the means that you enjoy or the ends taht you enjoy? Its so easy to say taht well, enjoy the process of attaining the outcome. BUt what of the pauper who slogs through 3 jobs a day to find sufficient money to make a one single investment so that his life can and will improve. What a farce. The process and means is never an enjoyable process. Tha's why it ultimately makes the achievement far sweeter and greater than it was ever supposed to be. Somehow, over the last few years and especially in the last few months, i've finally allowed James to move out of my life. Or rather i've moved myself out of his. Funny how things in liofe tend to play out. For a while now, all i needed was for the guy i love to be truly happy, and yet, i wasn't. And maybe that's where the term forced love and true love comes from. True love when both are truly happy and forced when only one is happy while the other is giving in. The long episode with James revealed to me so many lessons. Lessons of love, of possession, of obsession and a boxful of fears that like Pandora's box, once opened could not return. And yet, out flew HOPE. And i suppose HOPE kept all alive. As for myself, the HOPE of walking don taht right path oince again and going onward to "ROME". "ROME" has now once again changed. I know not what it is. Is it coz i dare not dream? I'm not sure. Is it... is it... is it....? I'm tired and wun write anymore. Next entry, i'll decide. Signing out.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

What a night

First day back at work and i'm supposed to be resting.. But what a night!!!! Watched a show, party crashers. Pretty good actually. Slapstic but it was a good laugh. If you believe that laughter is the best medicine, then go watch the show. Then off to Balaclava i went to meet my dear friend, who was with another friend that was already rather drunk. I swear i will not go out with people who have not partied in ages and want to chill out for the night. Obviously it was a bad idea. Coz when they start drinking, they dun noe when to stop. Anyway, went down to velvet after that for more partying. Crazy when i should have just headed home. But i guess when you don't see your long time party mate for a long time, you just tag along to relieve the moments. It would have been good if not for the fact that it didn't quite turn out the way it was meant to be. Too much considerations and too much baggage i think. Partying is just meant to be fun.
Went to pick up a girlfriend after that who wanted to have supper and chat from Clarke Quay. Interesting life she leads. But i guess i never want to be in her shoes. Too complicated. I sometimes wonder how i will be when i choose to marry one day. Will i really love the guy? Well, i guess only time will answer the question. Finally reached home in the wee hours of the morning to sleep away the whole day. Not too healthy man...
Is playing the game worth it? Sometimes, i feel that life is too short for all these mind games. But people seem to enjoy playing this sort of things. Why? Is it part of the thrill? Or is this what they call the thrill of the chase? Anyway, someone explained to me this concept just now.
Smsed Tour guide to ask him what his place was like.. And one sms led to another and in the end, we talked about how we'll behave if we were alone in a house. Well, his answer was he was worried that he might not keep his hands to himself. My reply, simply put, if he had wanted me at all, he could have had me a long time ago. So, there really is no point in this topic. Caught in a situation where it was only the two of us, nothing would happen as well. And if there really was a flipside to all this, then why hold back when i have already made my move? Someone explained to me that i was really stuck in a poker game. I've placed my bet, and now, he's not only bet, but he has re raised me. Do i fold knowing i have pocket aces? Or do i call? Or is it possible to re raise him? Frankly i have no darn idea.
Why must it be so complicated to start off with? What exactly defines the boundaries of friendship? Will i be able to tell him the next time he pulls me in to hug and kiss me that i think he has bridged the boundaries of friendship? But can i deny that i enjoy it? Aren't i being silly? I enjoy the attention he showers when he is high on alcohol, yet upset that it always ends with a kiss and a hug. Will there ever be more? Do i really want to stick around and find out? Or is it seriously time to have a conclusion? And does this conclusion also end up with just being able to be blunt about how we don't seem like friends when he is high? Do people all give in to their inhibitions when they are drunk? Or is it merely a facade? Once again, so many questions, so little answers.
Will i really stick to my guns this time round and walk away? I'm not too sure myself. But i do know that life is seriously too short to be playing this sort of games. Plus, i don't have that sort of energy now that i'm much older. Oh well, when the time comes, i will know. Till then, i will be contented to ride out this week till the weekend. And then maybe, just maybe i will finally make up my mind. Not choosing is also an answer/conclusion ain't it?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Some ramblings

Four days of not working has made me a lazy person. Sighz.. I really find no joy in my current work. Don't know if i will be able to become a trainer. If i do make it, then i guess i will be happier? Or will i not? Lots of things have been going through my mind lately. Guess its that time of the year to take stock of my life.
Funny thing is, exactly the same time last year, i fell sick with tonsilitis. This year, i'm sick again. Loads of mc.. don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing.. But at least i'm getting some rest at home. Been down and out. And yes, it does bug me. I would rather have a long leave and not have mc. I am so tempted to quit my current job in search of greener pastures. However, i know that i might not be able to find a decent job that pays quite as well. Oh well, will just hang on till the trainer selection comes. If i don't make it, then i know its time to move although i love my colleagues so.
Spent the last 4 days resting, and a little playing. Joined a group of bowlers to bowl. I must say it is relatively fun although i know my average has dropped drastically from when i was bowling seriously. Thank goodness all of them are rather amatuer, so i don't look as bad.
The beautiful one's bday was today. Went down to Siam to join the rest after i woke up at 12. Arrived there the latest, and by then, all the men were pissed drunk. All were trying to down as many chivas as they could. Was rather hilarious though. I didn't know it was the beautiful one's bday. Just tot it was another nite out with Superman and wife. Was shocked to see Tour guide around. He was supposed to be out of town.. i think. Anyway, thought of keeping my distance from him. I know i will never be happy with him as a platonic friend as i want to have a relationship with him. And if i can't be happy with him just being a friend, doesn't it make more sense to keep my distance such that i will not long for him when we meet? I know its my weird theory of life, but, i guess, i'm just protecting myself from falling deeper into the abyss. I love his company, but then again, its only coz i love him. So have decided that after his bday, i will no longer make such efforts to call or sms him out. If we meet when we are out as a group, then so be it. I've bared my heart and soul to this man, and the ball is in his court. Anyway, as usual, the group likes to tease the two of us. For some peculiar reason, everyone says that my body language gives me away. Tonight, i arrived and stayed near the beautiful one and MC. And didn't walk over to his end of the table.. Childish? Maybe.. But end of the day, just wanted to be at a safe distance from him. But he had other plans... maybe coz he was drunk already. He was all touchy feely the whole night long. I really don't understand him, he doesn't want me, yet he doesn't like it when i talk to other men. I thought it was kinda rude when he pulled me away when i was chatting with Jason.
Anyway, in conclusion, all men were drunk... pissed drunk. Ate supper and all left in their separate vehicles. Even Superman was drunk. Amazing.. The night has ended, and i am home. It is time to sleep so that i can go to work tml. If i had one wish now, it would be that my actions alone will touch his heart and we will end up together. Or i could wish that i would be really rich.
Money matters bug me. And it is also good that we stop going out for dinner so often. I don't like not paying, and i don't like paying as i cannot afford it. Maybe with this in mind, i will be more motivated to stay away from him.
Oh, on a lighter note, Hero is back in town. And we chatted via sms this morning. Seeing him later in the afternoon. Do i detect some feelings there or am i mistaken? Anyway, at least i know i have a present.. That's what he said. To love or be loved? The million dollar question......