Spent the day job hunting. Finally resigned. Feeling a little down in the dumps and depressed. Looking for a job isn't very hard. But it's brutally painful. Each ad that i go through, i have to ask myself, am i good enough, can i do this, will they want to hire me. And doesn't help that i don't have very relevant skill sets or a degree. Changing jobs has always been hard on my self esteem. This time round hasn't been easier. I suppose i feel the way i do also coz i'm generally a in ward reflective sort of person. For the whole day, i had to stop myself from asking where i went wrong, what didn't i do right, where i could have improved. What i could do better, how i could manage better etc. And i guess the hardest fact is maybe i just wasn't good enough or that i didn't give it my 100%.
All day i've tried to keep my spirits up. But somehow the word FAIL and the term FAILURE features quite persistently. I tell myself that things aren't that bad. That there is a silver lining to every dark cloud. That things can and will get better. I just need to get my mind to believe it. Honestly the mood swings are pretty drastic and volatile. I hate that i'm this way. And i told myself i will give myself up till Monday to snap out of it. Maybe now, i just want to whine. And be depressive.
Walk walk walk. Hit the wall. Walk walk walk. Hit another wall. I just want to walk. I just want things to work out for me for once. That when i get comfy with something or someone, for the thing to last, for that someone to stay on. Tired!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Saturday
Spent the day in front of the computer trying to get work done. That went pretty well. Not everything that i set out to do was accomplished. But at least i started. Which is good for me because i have been saying for the longest of time that i wanted to do it.
Pumped up the bike tyres, checked the chains and gears, dug out my cycling shoes and wanted to do a short ride to see if i could possibility join joyriders tomorrow morning after a long lay off. Wasn't planning on going very far, distance wise. Just really wanted to get a feel of the bike, more importantly, starting and stopping at lights. Conclusion, back to ground zero. Other then the fact that my knee hurts like hell which never happened the first time i rode. Bike position? Bike fit?
Anyway, went to cut my hair after that. I guess i just needed a new perspective and what better way to achieve it than to start with the top. The head. Haha... Will post pictures subsequently. I think hair cutting is therpeutic. Just as the hair dresser was snipping off the hair, it felt like nothing in the world was worth shedding a tear for. Was a little apprehensive initially. After all, my hair takes forever to grow, and it took ages for it to reach this length. And snip snip snip, it was all gone. Interesting thing was for a while now, i always refused to get my hair cut. A trim was fine. But not a cut. Coz i keep thinking of how much time and effort it took for the hair to grow to this length. But, as the hair dresser cut the hair off, i felt a sense of peace and freedom. Ok. I know i am exaggerating. But for a moment, truly that was how i felt. More like i really didn't give a damn anymore.
Conclusion is, i like my new short bob hair cut. Makes my face look a little plump, but all the more incentive to lose some weight. Hair grows. The short hair gives me a fresher look, makes me look more energetic and lively. Helps during training, dries faster after a wash. All the positive traits to having shorter hair. Sure, i'll probably be less attractive to the men out there who like women in long hair. But then again, someone's bound to appreciate a lively, energetic short haired girl right? Anyway, not looking at the moment. I guess if it happens, it happens. I'm a little jaded and cynical about relationships at the moment.
Plus, the flame has not died out for the last guy. Although i constantly remind myself that it's for the better, he'll be happier and i guess love is not about possessing. I've always believed in true love. Unconditional love. I really wish that he'll be happier. And the choice is not mine to make. I do try to think happy thoughts for him. Of course, i do fall back sometimes. But i'm human after all. Now i remember why i always cut my hair when i was in school. Haha...
All ready for my ride tomorrow except knee hurts like hell. Damn
Pumped up the bike tyres, checked the chains and gears, dug out my cycling shoes and wanted to do a short ride to see if i could possibility join joyriders tomorrow morning after a long lay off. Wasn't planning on going very far, distance wise. Just really wanted to get a feel of the bike, more importantly, starting and stopping at lights. Conclusion, back to ground zero. Other then the fact that my knee hurts like hell which never happened the first time i rode. Bike position? Bike fit?
Anyway, went to cut my hair after that. I guess i just needed a new perspective and what better way to achieve it than to start with the top. The head. Haha... Will post pictures subsequently. I think hair cutting is therpeutic. Just as the hair dresser was snipping off the hair, it felt like nothing in the world was worth shedding a tear for. Was a little apprehensive initially. After all, my hair takes forever to grow, and it took ages for it to reach this length. And snip snip snip, it was all gone. Interesting thing was for a while now, i always refused to get my hair cut. A trim was fine. But not a cut. Coz i keep thinking of how much time and effort it took for the hair to grow to this length. But, as the hair dresser cut the hair off, i felt a sense of peace and freedom. Ok. I know i am exaggerating. But for a moment, truly that was how i felt. More like i really didn't give a damn anymore.
Conclusion is, i like my new short bob hair cut. Makes my face look a little plump, but all the more incentive to lose some weight. Hair grows. The short hair gives me a fresher look, makes me look more energetic and lively. Helps during training, dries faster after a wash. All the positive traits to having shorter hair. Sure, i'll probably be less attractive to the men out there who like women in long hair. But then again, someone's bound to appreciate a lively, energetic short haired girl right? Anyway, not looking at the moment. I guess if it happens, it happens. I'm a little jaded and cynical about relationships at the moment.
Plus, the flame has not died out for the last guy. Although i constantly remind myself that it's for the better, he'll be happier and i guess love is not about possessing. I've always believed in true love. Unconditional love. I really wish that he'll be happier. And the choice is not mine to make. I do try to think happy thoughts for him. Of course, i do fall back sometimes. But i'm human after all. Now i remember why i always cut my hair when i was in school. Haha...
All ready for my ride tomorrow except knee hurts like hell. Damn
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Just another day
Braved the rain to come home last night from office. Was so damn tired after the training, plus so many people that i had to meet, brain was on overdrive. Really just wanted to hit home, shower and sleep. Reached home about 9pm. Was seriously exhausted. I guess other then training, my body was probably telling me that it was exhausted. Not my fault really. I go to bed early, just can't sleep. So toss and turn, toss and turn all night long. Finally, fall asleep, and within a short while, i'm up again. Well, i suppose this is always the case when my mind is in overdrive. Anyway, didn't even have dinner. No wonder i generally lose weight when i train. Lack of appetite. Plus the lack of sleep the last couple of days. Not even sure how the hours pass.
Ok. Anyway, woke up mighty early, wanted to bike out. But it was raining. And judging from my lack of sleep, exhausted body, i figured i wasn't going to brave the rain another time. Too risky. Wanted to see if i could catch a glimpse of someone. But felt that it would only make matters worse. So decided to go back to bed and sleep again. On off on off. Finally woke up about 8am. Felt like i haven't slept a wink the whole nite though. Damn
Today was alright. Met up with Guardian for a while, bought him lunch. His birthday is just round the corner. Seeing him today made me extremely certain about my feelings for him. Nope. Good news people. I honestly still care lots about him, and the level of understanding and comfort is still high. Just that i don't have the overwhelming love for him anymore. This leads us to the next question.
Throughout our lunch together, i kept thinking of someone else. Sigh. And as lunch wore on, i asked myself if i was certain about the thoughts in my mind. Have been thinking about it for a couple of days now. And i think i am. Now i just need to find the opportunity to broach on it.
Only highlight for the day was that we finally did manage to chat a little. Albeit really short conversations, it meant a great deal to me. But then again, i've been very emotional and high strung lately. Anything remotely positive that happens means a hell of a lot. I do tell myself to keep my spirits up. But honestly, all i want to do is collapse in someone's arms and for the person to tell me that things WILL get better.
Ok. Anyway, woke up mighty early, wanted to bike out. But it was raining. And judging from my lack of sleep, exhausted body, i figured i wasn't going to brave the rain another time. Too risky. Wanted to see if i could catch a glimpse of someone. But felt that it would only make matters worse. So decided to go back to bed and sleep again. On off on off. Finally woke up about 8am. Felt like i haven't slept a wink the whole nite though. Damn
Today was alright. Met up with Guardian for a while, bought him lunch. His birthday is just round the corner. Seeing him today made me extremely certain about my feelings for him. Nope. Good news people. I honestly still care lots about him, and the level of understanding and comfort is still high. Just that i don't have the overwhelming love for him anymore. This leads us to the next question.
Throughout our lunch together, i kept thinking of someone else. Sigh. And as lunch wore on, i asked myself if i was certain about the thoughts in my mind. Have been thinking about it for a couple of days now. And i think i am. Now i just need to find the opportunity to broach on it.
Only highlight for the day was that we finally did manage to chat a little. Albeit really short conversations, it meant a great deal to me. But then again, i've been very emotional and high strung lately. Anything remotely positive that happens means a hell of a lot. I do tell myself to keep my spirits up. But honestly, all i want to do is collapse in someone's arms and for the person to tell me that things WILL get better.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
First training in a long while
Haven't done any decent training since Port Dickson which was in July. Faintz!
Shoulder aching like crazy after doing my first decent swim in a long while. Ouch!
Did 300 warm up, 1500 swim, 200 cool down. Only clocked the 1500 swim. Did it in a miserable time of 39min 46s. Which means i've lost 6 minutes from Port Dickson till now. Sighz... Nothing comes easy i guess.
It was a tough session but i'm glad i did it still. Funny how i kept contemplating giving up. At 10 laps, at 15, at 20. I suppose why it was tough was basically i couldn't find the rhythm. Breathing was off. And only started to smooth out by the time i was on my 22 lap. But, only for 4 laps before i started to feel the pain in my elbows and left knee. All in all a pretty lousy session. But i'm sure a couple more long swims will put me back in the game. So game plan is, a couple more long swims before i start doing sets. It's back to basics for me. Now really worried about the long bike ride that agreed to go on. Not sure with no fitness and all whether i will be able to cover 90+km of bike ride. Better start riding seriously this week too. The tyres are soft as it is, bike is dust covered.
Hmm... that leaves the run. Super reluctant to start running. Foot hurts since the last time i went to the gym. Knee hurts from swimming. Generally no inclination to run. Plus, mentally, i haven't gotten past the horrible experience of sundown and PD. 4km was as far as my legs would take me till date.
But i suppose since 70.3 is 5 months away, its about time i started training. grinz
On a random note, he asked that things be over. But somehow, maybe coz i really put in my heart into making us work, it still hurts a big deal. Not a minute go by that i don't wish that we could get back together. That somehow, he can look past whatever is holding him back to see the good that i have to offer. Seriously, all i have ever wanted was to help him and for both of us to grow. But i suppose what i emailed him is true. Better us be apart and him be happy then for us to be together and him be miserable. I suppose i really believed that he would hold my hand for life when he said those words to me. And maybe i really wanted to believe it. Naive? Or just wanting to believe whatever i wanted to believe? I'm not sure too... Maybe i'm the only soul in this world that doesn't let love die overnight? Or maybe it just has been dying and i was too in love to realize it. Oh well, i'm trying hard to be strong and to love myself. Maybe i'm just not cut out to be in a relationship, to be loved? Or maybe, i have a huge character flaw that i really need to work on. Sighz
Shoulder aching like crazy after doing my first decent swim in a long while. Ouch!
Did 300 warm up, 1500 swim, 200 cool down. Only clocked the 1500 swim. Did it in a miserable time of 39min 46s. Which means i've lost 6 minutes from Port Dickson till now. Sighz... Nothing comes easy i guess.
It was a tough session but i'm glad i did it still. Funny how i kept contemplating giving up. At 10 laps, at 15, at 20. I suppose why it was tough was basically i couldn't find the rhythm. Breathing was off. And only started to smooth out by the time i was on my 22 lap. But, only for 4 laps before i started to feel the pain in my elbows and left knee. All in all a pretty lousy session. But i'm sure a couple more long swims will put me back in the game. So game plan is, a couple more long swims before i start doing sets. It's back to basics for me. Now really worried about the long bike ride that agreed to go on. Not sure with no fitness and all whether i will be able to cover 90+km of bike ride. Better start riding seriously this week too. The tyres are soft as it is, bike is dust covered.
Hmm... that leaves the run. Super reluctant to start running. Foot hurts since the last time i went to the gym. Knee hurts from swimming. Generally no inclination to run. Plus, mentally, i haven't gotten past the horrible experience of sundown and PD. 4km was as far as my legs would take me till date.
But i suppose since 70.3 is 5 months away, its about time i started training. grinz
On a random note, he asked that things be over. But somehow, maybe coz i really put in my heart into making us work, it still hurts a big deal. Not a minute go by that i don't wish that we could get back together. That somehow, he can look past whatever is holding him back to see the good that i have to offer. Seriously, all i have ever wanted was to help him and for both of us to grow. But i suppose what i emailed him is true. Better us be apart and him be happy then for us to be together and him be miserable. I suppose i really believed that he would hold my hand for life when he said those words to me. And maybe i really wanted to believe it. Naive? Or just wanting to believe whatever i wanted to believe? I'm not sure too... Maybe i'm the only soul in this world that doesn't let love die overnight? Or maybe it just has been dying and i was too in love to realize it. Oh well, i'm trying hard to be strong and to love myself. Maybe i'm just not cut out to be in a relationship, to be loved? Or maybe, i have a huge character flaw that i really need to work on. Sighz
Haven't blogged in a while
It's been a while since i last blogged. I guess it could be due to a variety of reasons, the key being there was nothing new to blog about. It was the same issues popping up over and over again. Break up, patch back, say want to put in effort work things out, one week later, same problem in a different variation pops up. And i was tired. Didn't have strength to blog. Didn't have the heart to blog.
But it really is over. For good i must say. i don't blame him honestly. Just bad judgement of character on my part. I might miss him, but end of the day, i guess life goes on. There are still a million and one things i have yet to do.. need to get off my ass, stop whining, moaning, doubting myself and carry on! Yeah!
But it really is over. For good i must say. i don't blame him honestly. Just bad judgement of character on my part. I might miss him, but end of the day, i guess life goes on. There are still a million and one things i have yet to do.. need to get off my ass, stop whining, moaning, doubting myself and carry on! Yeah!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)