Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Greatttttttttttttttttt day

I didn't want my whole 2010 blog to be emo, grouchy and gloomy. So decided to blog about a really great day yesterday. Haha... Close to perfect in fact :-)
Actually, i suppose in comparison to the emo mood i was in last Monday, the days have just gotten better as the days passed. I didn't get a chance to meet him last week, but we at least chatted 2 days. And i gave him an analogy about carrots and horses. So came Saturday morning, i was surprised by the baby carrot.
But hey, the blog is supposed to be about what happened yesterday. So let me get back to it. Haha.. Rambling, rambling, rambling.
The day started out great with a small white rabbit hopping in. So had a small free case. No TC, no hard work required. Deal done in 15 mins. So i'm thinking great... What a way to start the new month. Then off to Main branch to meet 2 clients who were also ready to do some investments. All in all, i closed 3 different people yesterday. Some sort of record for me. But, success at work only makes me moderately happy. Somewhere at 5ish, my phone beeped. And although i was still with my customer i could not help but steal a glance at my phone. Hmmmm.... Guess what, he texted me. Yippie!!!!!!!!
He asked if i was free to meet up. Even not free also must say free la... This is a non planned meeting man. Of course, it was more of a trade coz he said we might meet on Wed if he was free. But this was a confirmed meet rather then a tentative meet so i guess its a good deal. So after i closed my client, i was already in a super duper good mood. And Boss said i could go home after i did another trade of Tcing the rest of the week so i could go off. Haha....
Was going to buy him a cake to help him celebrate his success last week, but was so darn hungry having not eaten all day that i decided i really needed to eat first. I still had enough time to go buy a cake and meet him, but just as i stepped into the house, he texted to say he could meet me earlier and we could even do dinner. Damn.... Had to forgo the dinner coz i just had dinner, had to forgo buying the cake coz he was there already.
So, met him, chatted a little. He's sick with fever. Felt a little sad when i saw him coz he looked real tired and had a headache. Its weird really. Had really weird feelings. Like i was damn glad that we met up, i mean, he completed my close to perfect day. But was sad that he was sick. And he refused to kiss me. And his excuse was that he was sick and didn't want to pass the virus to me. But he did say he loves hugging me. So i guess that's fine... But to counter off the lack of pretty kisses, he gave me a keychain which he said he say and liked and bought for me. But somehow, i get the feeling that it was probably a present from someone else, and he passed it along. Oh well... at least he gave me something. Can't even remember when was the last time i received any gifts from him. Even a simple one....
Probably my bday this year. But even then, the present that he gave me was not something he bought. So, maybe 2008 Christmas? OMG.... That seems damn long ago lah... So all in all, it was a rather good day other then the fact that if he was not sick it would have been perfect. And maybe if i had managed the cake.
Ok i admit. I am a sucker. Small simple gesture... i am swooning... But i suppose in his way, he is trying to dish out the baby carrots.... Kudos to him.
And that.. was my GREAT day. Let's keep fingers and toes crossed for more to come! Yeah!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Sept 27 2010

I am really blogging 'coz i need an outlet and i don't know where to turn to, who to turn to. Its just the same old problems repeating itself over and over again that even i am ashamed to bring it up and share how i feel with my friends.....
He's has the most spectacular weekend. Best showing ever i must say. And i feel like i'm the last person to congratulate him, the last person to even get to say 'well done!' And when i mentioned i wanted to celebrate for him, all i got was monosyllabic answers claiming he was busy. Maybe Uncle Tim was right. He has made his choice and it is obvious. And i choose not to look myself in the eye in the mirror and accept the hard truth. But truth is, i really still care loads about him. But when does it all end?
I remembered at that point i said i would like to see him successful and settled down. But honestly, it never ends does it? Because i constantly find new reasons, new excuses....
From a friend's perspective, shouldn't i just be happy he's doing so well and things are looking up for him? So why do i feel happy and excited for him and at the same time, hope to see him and meet up with him? Is it 'coz i'm actually looking to share his joy with him? If he is happy and doing well, and i don't get to share his joy with him, does it make me less happy? I know it's no difference to him based on his reaction today. I think the hard truth is he doesn't care.... And that hurts... big time.
I really wish i had the strength to walk away from it all. To be cool, collected, to tell him it's alright. To be the bigger person and give him his life back.
I think back to the days and times where i mattered to him. That he would shower me with care, love. That he was excited and shared his life/joy with me. That he would give me little surprises and that when i was down, he would be there to cheer me up. It's all gone and over now.. and still i dun wanna wake up. What is wrong with me? Am i a sucker for pain? Gosh... i am so tired and feel like an idiot.........

Monday, April 19, 2010

Grouchy and emo....

Feeling damn emo and grouchy today. So decided to post a little. The day started well and bright. Was up early despite a late night out. Woke up with more then sufficient time to spare to take my own sweet time to go to work. Reached work before morning meeting, so still considered early. Somehow, the day seemed to go downhill from there.
I really don't know at which part it started to turn. Or maybe it's just my reaction to him.. Or his lack of action, emotions on his part. Ok... I know it really has been a while and i so damn well should have moved on and all.. but i still look forward to seeing him.. And it's been such a routine lately that when it is changed, i get thrown off and uncomfortable.
Honestly i'm damn glad for him. He's been doing so well lately and i wish i could be doing as well as him or even better. Or maybe if i really did focus, i would. But i can't help but want to see him and spend time with him. I wish i was stronger and better then that.. but unfortunately i'm not.
It'll be a lie to say that once i hit club 30s, i'll let go and move on. I can't deal with this any longer. I really don't have the will power and strength to pretend. I can't. I give up. And maybe that is a good thing. Because at some point, i know i'm the sort that has to be so disheartened that i give up. And then, there will be no more looking back.... Sighz..,. i really need to find my life back.. just don't know where to start and where the hell it went... =(

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

One year on......

Its been 6 months since the last post and one year since the post before the last! N I am blogging off my iPhone.
Can't quite place my finger on things but suddenly had a strong inclination to blog... To juz let my thoughts and feelings run with the words that flow in this post. A little update first on life in general if there is still any followings on this page of mine.. Still in the same job although thoughts of moving to another bank did fritter cross my mind. But despite the fact that I don't quite appreciate my direct boss and she probably doesn't appreciate me too, the decision was to stay n just be focused on why I moved in the first place. Oki my boss hates me! But surely that is not a good reason to jump ship... Or is it?
Work is slowly picking up for me I hope. One year is a long time to adjust to a place and culture. But I've never claimed to be a fast adjuster! Haha... What can I same? SSDD... Same shit different day... The occassional big fish that swims by makes it seem right for a couple of days and we are back to the grind wishing for another fish to swim by... Often it seems like a test of luck rather then serious skill... N I have never been particularly lucky... Other then that, nothing more about work... Colleagues are great.. But then again, I sorta am the sort that could blend in anywhere... So that's that.
On the home front, bro's getting married next month. Real excited an happy for him other then the fact that shopping for a dress is a bitch and I dun really enjoy having to buy another dress that I'll probably only wear once n not wear again.. Wife to be seems nice... N we click... N that helps... Haha... So there will be a new addition to my family soon :-) Daddy's health hasn't been fantastic. Gave me quite a scare when he was warded last week. Things at home have been relatively calm and maybe coz everyone is so engrossed with the wedding preparations! Yay! Cousins and aunties and maybe granny will be in town next month for the wedding. I couldn't be more excited! Really miss them loads! Haven't seen them since 2008! Gosh! It's been ages since I last saw them all. The neices especially... They must be almost 3 now... Wonder if they'll know who the hell I am.... Oh well...
On to the next topic... What else is there? Work, family... Erm personal life I guess... I've sold my life to my job... Kidding... That would never happen. Life is just way too precious... Sometimes... But it's a good distractor and nice colleagues help... Truth be told, I still miss him like hell. I think deep down in the bottom of my heart, I really do still love him and care shit loads about him. I'm still sensitive to his comments and his moods... N nope... It's only one way. Sigh... I know I really ought to get a life and move on, but knowing is one thing, wanting to put what u know into action is another... Like we all know that smoking and drinking is bad for health and we ought so stop but we do it anyway. I remember once I wrote something about secondary effects/pleasure... Maybe this is the reason... Maybe it's just another one of my damn excuses... But I'll live... N it doesn't really change much in the whole schema of things.
He's been doing great! We still hang out as friends once in a while... N i've been keeping track of news of him, and he's really doing great! Am damn proud and happy for him... It would be perfect if he'll glance my way and pick up where we left off, but it's just wishful thinking on my part and will probably not actualise. But hope fuels all mankind and it's nice to dream about it once in a while... Time has healed the pain and hurt but it sure hasn't stopped the longing... Or maybe just maybe I refuse to let it go... So we still go for coffee and pretend we are both cool about being friends and chilling :-) well, if that is all I can have, it's better then nothing right? Or maybe one day I'll just get tired and move on like what happened with Guardian...
So all in all, that sums up the last couple of months... N it's time for bed so I can wake up early for brekkie tomorrow with daddy before work! Looking forward to father-daughter time! NiteZ peeps...