Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Holding out for a Hero - Jennifer Saunders

Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

(Chorus)
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There’s someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It’s gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

Up Where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I could swear that there’s someone somewhere
Watching me
Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like a fire in my blood

HeroI need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

Hero
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

End of Kids Camp 2

End of my second Kid's camp. Coaching 10 days in a row has truly been a stretch. I guess i really am tired. Despite the tiredness, it truly has been touching and emotional. And it has been extremely fulfilling. I am impressed with myself and i guess there is a part of me that returns to my childhood and once again, at closing, a million what if questions come to mind.
The camp has been an emotional roller coaster for me. It really brought me through a range of emotions in such a short time. It's scary and all. But i guess i did enjoy myself.
While at camp, i had time to do some internal reflections. A question someone posted me, set me thinking. Is this how it was meant to be? I'm certain the answer is no. And yet, i am not yet certain how i am suppose to turn the situation around. That will take time.
Superman is away in Manila attending the sea games and watching Lester compete. As for him, he is away in Bangkok. Its been such a crazy camp that i've not spoken to him for days and i miss him. Truth be told, i guess i don't mean a lot to him as well. Each time he is back, he doesnt bother to find me or even call to chat.
Will lament later.. now just want to get some sleep, and in my dreams, think of the what ifs. And also, the question of if i will find the courage to walk away.

I just want to write

Well, I have finally finished writing the short article for him. But he hasn’t really said anything to me. I asked him for his comments, but he said that he didn’t have the time to comment on it. That he would use some stuff to add to his write up. I actually wonder why he bothers to ask me to write for him, when he already has a write up and he will barely be using the one that I wrote for him. Sigh. Anyway, it wasn’t very good but I guess it would have been nice for him to have said, I liked your work. Ended up smsing him and asking him if it was at least half as good as he would have expected. Then he replied saying that it was ok. He couldn’t have done better. But, I guess with him, I cannot tell whether he said it out of politeness or whether he really meant it. He’s always rather polite I guess.
Just saw his reply on msn. He’s in manila. Remembered asking him yesterday when he was flying off again. But apparently, he wasn’t too keen to share when he was going away. So, I guess today came as a shock. He’s away. Sighz. I guess he must really be busy. I wonder when I’ll get to see him again. Its been close to 1 week since we met. Since last Tuesday I guess. I was just telling him yesterday that I’ve missed him terribly. Why? I guess last Tuesday, we fought, or rather argued. So, I felt more about missing him.
Anyway, I read a friend’s blog recently. It spoke about monogamy or the lack of it. I believe in a relationship where I am my partner’s only partner, and my partner’s only partner. Funny how I feel rather strongly about it and yet, I condone someone else being in a multiple relationship. I guess what my friend said about a man being married, and having a girlfriend hit rather close to home. Somehow, I know that the relationship will never work out. Coz it is seldom that a married man will leave his wife. And even then, I know it is sweet words. And I know that he does not mean it. At the end of the day, even if he claims he loves me a lot, he still loves her more. That’s why he married her in the first place.
But I guess I’ve always been a great sucker for sweet words. I guess this links up to my last blog on tidbits. I sms this other friend the other day. This is one guy that I’ve been rather interested in for some time. Nothing has ever pointed to the fact that he might one day even be remotely interested in me. He has never shown the least inkling of interest in me. He has never shown me that he might be sexually interested in me. He has never shown that he might want to connect to me on the emotional level. He has never shown that I might one day become more then just a silly gal in his eyes. Never shown that I might one day be his soulmate. Then again, if I were in anyway a possibility of a soulmate, I would have been one today already.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Just ended my first kids camp (Part2)

Sorry for the abrupt ending. Actually its a rather good pattern interupt. Was going to be nostalgic and all. Maybe what one of the trainers said before really does make sense. Its very lucky when one gets problem children. And when you have a group where everyone is alright, there is not much feelings involve. That's besides the point i guess. Alright. As with all my posts, i will always digress.
I am shocked at the amount of emotion that some of the coaches have for their children. Its so cool. And i guess my thoughts since young when i was a participant for camps hasn't changed. It's the best place for people to shift out characters. And somehow, its interesting that just 5 days of living with a person can bring out such strong emotions within a person. And at the same time, its also to do with the fact that i know how difficult it is to run a camp. Anyway, will update that soon. I need to write something else first.. tata

End of my first kid's camp


The camp has finally ended. One that is. I have another to go. But for now, let me dwell on that one camp that i've just completed. It was not easy coming back to a place where people thought badly of me. Where the only reason why they let me coach was because they were lacking in coaches. Where i worry about the fact that there are eyes all around watching me at all times. If didn't feel too good. However, i guess when i made a decision to come back as a coach, i did tell myself, that i would do my best. And that if nothing good comes out of it, then i know that i've given it my best. And no one can fault me for it. I really did give it my best this time round. Albeit the crazy and hectic schedule, and the lack of sleep, and the pressure, i guess all i can say is that i really had fun. IT takes a lot to learn from the children and it takes a lot to be able to get into their good books so that they will listen to you and give it their best.
I am greatful for the opportunity to coach. I wonder if i would have turned out differently if i had attended a camp like this. Well, i guess so. tbc

Sunday, November 20, 2005

So much to do

It was an interesting day no doubt. It was the first time that i've ever come to coach a kid's camp. The children were interesting and i guess i sorta had as much fun as the kids themselves. But it didn't help that i was tired as i have yet to sleep the night before. Couldn't sleep really. Felt like it was before one of my races. Guess i was really excited. Or maybe my sleeping patterns has been off for a while now. With the crazy hours i've been keeping, i have been really tired ya. I think with the camps, i will do my best to readjust my sleeping patterns.
Have finally gotten the brief write up from him. I've told myself that i will be real professional about it. Doesn't matter if at times like this i think that he is being a jerk and an idiot about things. I mean, here i am doing my best to give you a great article. And it doesn't help that you disappear on me and don't tell me more. I can understand that you are probably the sort of boss that expects a lot of initiative from your subordinates. But do understand that i've never done any work for you before and therefore do not know what you expect. At the same time, because of what you mean to me, you know that i don't want to screw things up at alll. I don't think i've put in so much effort even for my essays at school. It almost seems worse then writing a honors thesis paper. And this paper is the determining factor of whether i get a first class or i just graduate with merit. Sighz.
Can you understand that this is just my way of doing something for you. Somehow, its important that you've asked me to do something for you. After all, you hardly share your work with me and you are such an important man. And i want to get it right, coz i don't want you to always view me as a small girl. Or just someone that you can constantly help with your knowledge and all, and its not a two way traffic, where i am useful to you in some ways as well. I want to do something for you, as i often cannot lighten your workload. Therefore, by helping you, i can finally play a small part.

Oh well, i think i better go back to getting the work done. After all, i need to give it to you by today. At the same time, i need to give you two articles since you are playing the hide and seek game, where you are hiding, and i'm seeking and waiting for an answer from you.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Dreams

It's been a long time since i cried. There were times where a tear would drop coz i was upset. But today it felt different. A tear dropped. And it didn't stop there. Another, and another and finally, it became a series of it. What triggered it? It was the sight of a man and woman hugging, embracing each other. There were no need for words as the picture spoke a thousand words. They were just happy being back in each other's presence. I see the scene clearly in my head. She got off the plane, he walked forward, she gave him a hug, he put his arms around her. And they walked off. He ruffled her hair, she leaned on his shoulder. And they walked away with arms around each other.
For the life of me, i guess i know what triggered the tear ducts. It was the sight of two people so bonded to each other that there is no need for words. I think its called being in the presence of each other. There is so much comfort there that needs no words.
Once very long ago, i had a dream. A dream about two people. A man, and a woman. I see their faces. I see their joy and i see the comfort. I guess that's the word that i'm looking for. Comfort. Companionship, was an important aspect to this two. They knew that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. A day in their relationship, both cohabitating together, maybe married. Couldn't quite tell. Both wake up to go to work, man drops woman off at her work place, goes off to work. Somewhere midday, during lunch, they drop a message to each other. Didn't matter who started the message. If there were no appointments or dinners after work, man picks woman up, head for dinner and head back home to chill out and rest. Not like they didn't have friends. They had. But it was a normal work night and they didn't have any engagements. The woman was a high flyer, so was the man. They were both rather accomplished and both spent lots of time working. She was head of many people at work. But yet, when she reached back home, all she wanted was to be a simple woman, spend time with the man she loved and she was happy. She enjoyed the fact that he talked to her about his work, like an equal, and when there were major decisions to be made, she would give him her input, but somehow, he always made the best decision, for the two of them. The dream ended there. That's why they are called dreams.
The other night i had a dream as well. Funny little dream i had. I was sitting in this restaurant, and there were two boys behind me. Didn't look any older then 14 i guess. And they served me something i ordered. And i gave turned around and said thanks to the boy. One boy ran off. The cuter one actually, a chinese boy. The other, bigger sized boy, looked like a bully though, stood there. And finally he opened his mouth and said, "Where's my tip?" I stopped, open up my purse, and took out 2 dollars for him. Then i went in search for the other chinese boy, and gave him a fiver. He beckoned to me and asked me to follow him. He brought me out of the restaurant. Then i said to him, wait. My date is inside. I can't leave him alone. Where are you bringing me? He said it was a surprise, and continued to tug at my hand, urging me to follow him. ( Please dun ask me who that unlucky date was. This is a bloody dream. So sometimes, you don;t see all the characters) Anyway, i walked with him to this street. It wasn't like any street in Singapore apparently. Looked more like the sort you see in the streets of London. And together with that, the night was foggy. Oki, back to my dream. And then, somehow, a friend of mine appeared in the dream. I saw his face, saw him, but somehow, he could not see me. He was with this beautiful, gorgeous model like woman. Too perfect i'll say. Anyway, the next scene was us on top of a building. This friend and myself this time. Top of a building. And he said something to me. Can't remember what. Then told me to jump. I leaned over and looked down. It was a really tall building. Stupid me. Anyway, he sneered at me for some reason. Called me a liar and a cheat. I also dun noe why. Said my words were inconsistent. And with that, he gave me a shove, and u fell off the building. I woke before i landed.
This was the second time i've had the exact same dream. For some peculiar reason, everything detail in the dream is still the same. I'm not sure why its the way it is. I know there are some arguments that say that dreams are a reflection of the subconscious mind. But its really scary. There were other feelings i experienced in the dream. Feelings of insecurity, feelings of doubt, and more importantly, feelings of loneliness. And also, i felt lost in the dream. I cannot figure out what happened. But i know when i woke, i could feel that my pillow was a little damp. Could be tears or drool. But i would lay my bets on tears. Scary. And both times, it started at the restaurant with the two boys. Who the hell are the two boys? And who was the beautiful and gorgeous lady, who almost looked like nicole kidman except with more boobs. What role did they play? Was she my nemisis or rather an alter ego that i longed to have? Or was it at the end of the day, just a recurring dream? Did i fail to mention that i could remember the dream so vividly coz it recurred 3 times in one bloody nite? I always wake up at the same instant. What a terrible night of sleep.

Tidbits (part 2)

Had a great time partying with her last night. As always, out sessions out are beautiful and enjoyable. But i guess as with all times now she is attached, they will somehow end up fighting. Sighz. As usual, sent her home, saw her boyfriend throwing up outside her place. And i guess its times like this where i wonder whether i'm being silly about this tidbit issue. Had 2 other girlfriends join me last night. Sometimes, i really wonder about what is going through their minds at that precise moment. Funny motley group of woman, hanging out together and partying. Interesting.
Chaplin mentioned Superman's wedding last night. Said something to the effect that he doesn't want Superman to get married coz then he will most likely lose his closest Singapore friend. Its funny how that thought has gone through my mind before. But i guess i know its a natural process in life and therefore, i guess i don't feel so bad about it. Plus coz maybe his my big brother, i feel happy for him. I know that things will change after he gets married, less partying and probably less time to chat with me but i guess sometimes, its really times like this where i'll say, don't brood about it. Just enjoy the moment and the company for now.
I had a chat with a friend a couple of nights ago. It was a chat about married man. I would very much like to ask what the attraction is about married man. So many friends around me seem to be dating married man. But i guess then again, love blinds us. And more importantly, love is something that is not comprehensible. I would have loved to have taken the moral highground and ask my friend to walk away. But then again, that would be vastly hypocritical...
Guardian's bday was on Tuesday. And he wanted to see me that very day. He actually took off for the day. But i was busy with training and didn't have the time to go meet him. Not to mention i had a date that night. And i wonder whether it is good or bad, but somehow, this person that i had a date with has sort of over taken him in the rankings of importance. I mean, guardian will forever be important to me. There is so much that we;ve shared over the past 9 years. Almost 10 years now. And for that, i will always treasure him. But i guess what i said to him holds true. That i really need to move on in my life. That maybe i'm a selfish girl, that now that he is happily married and all, its time i found my own love and start dating again. What Superman said once before is true. I'm only 26 and ot 46. Would i really want to be the mistress of this guy at such a young age?
Not that being in love with this new person makes me happier i guess. He is a far cry from giving in to me and adoring me the way Guardian adores me and cherishes me. Its like he's married as well. Only this time to his work. And he even has a mistress. And that too is his work. I feel like i'm in contention all the time with people and their married halves. Anyway, i really have been thinking about this guy and i. Somehow, i guess its crystal clear. Just need time to accept the facts.. and once again, move on.
Guardian is in one of his moods again. He smsed me to say maybe we shouldn't meet up for some time. I guess by now, i am immue to such messages and have learnt over the years to take it in my stride. Not that it doesn't get me upset, but i guess, somehow, the timings of things is always such. I messaged him back to say i know you are going through your funny moods again, and i've always respected your decision. When you're ready to meet again and if i am still single, you know where to find me. I guess one of the reasons why i've never changed my hp no. all these years is coz i just want him to be able to find me when he wants to.
Frankly speaking, if Guardian and i had gotten together, i think i will be a very different girl. Then agian, while we were together, i was so different. Cannot imagine myself as a Yes woman. But in that aspect, i was every bit a yes woman with him. And it didn't work out. At the end of the day, he said how come i have no suggestions, how come i don't have my point of view. How come i give in all the time. Its tough being in a relationship. And with each relationship, the dynamics change and once again, you are left wondering how come what worked for the past relationship doesn't seem to be working for this current one, or how come when i did something like this in my last relationship, this failed and now i'm never doing it again, it seems to be the core problem in our relationship...
For a while, i always felt like i was a kite and Guardian held on to the strings. There would be times when i feel like i'm all ready to fly off, high up into the sky, to look for new avenues, and it is this time where he would tug the string and send me back to the ground. And of course offer me some TIDBITS and i'll be hooked for a period of time again. I guess it has to do with the fact that he knows as long as there is a glimmer of hope, i will never walk away. But he has failed to see that it is no longer that glimmer of hope that i look for. I know for a fact that i will never cheat on my partner. And saying that, i know that the two of us are not meant to be. Even if he leaves her right now, i will only stand as a buffer, before he goes off to seek for a new relationship, and all.
I've at some point of time wanted to be with Guardian, loved and adored him. I would want to do things for him, so that his life would be made easier. There was nothing much that i couldn't learn. And i did it anyway. I wanted to take care of him, and yet, to do so, he had to take care of the baby inside me. And i didn't mind doing stuff and letting him have the credit for it, just so that he would be happy. Is it too much to ask that the person values your presence and your presence brings a smile to his face? And that was all i asked from Guardian. Oh yeah, i guess the cuddlings, the sex and the kisses were important. I guess its the whole feeling of being in love.
For so long, i've been so used to being in a relationship where the guy hands me a tidbit and then is a jerk for the next 9 incidents, and then uses this same cycle to [play with me. And i guess since i'm such a simpleton, i just let it be. But i guess sometimes, at the back of my head, i wonder how it would be to have a guy treat me nice 9 times, and be a jerk once. Cow was like that, but then again, it was merely a challenge to him. And it helped that he had leverage.
A thought dwells deep in my head. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, i just want to be happy. And happiness can come in many forms. I am not sure how this relationship with this man will be. Just like i don;t know how many more years Guardian and i will drag on this thing that we are in. I seem to be in a maze, without ever finding the way out. Ouch...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Tidbits

Have you ever wondered why people enjoy snacking on tidbits? Is the convenience of it? Or is it the fact that it is a treat on top of the 3 meals that we take all day. Or maybe, coz we are not meant to be snacking and that's why a tidbit is special...
Well whatever the case, i must learn to figure this one out. I was fed a tidbit today. Not breakfast, not lunch, not dinner, not even supper. It was a tidbit.
I felt that it was over. i wanted to call it quits, and he fed me a tidbit. And now, i am hooked again. I think if i was a fish in the water, i would be a rather dead fish. I would always be caught by the hook coz i think i am perpetually greedy.
It was a nice gesture on his part to call and talk things out before he left. But then again, it could be largely due to the fact that i was flooding his sms. Well, whatever the case is, i need to sort out this issue of mine soon. It ain't too healthy and i guess, it being not too healthy is not very good.
TBC

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

It's over

After all this time, after all the past deadlines, after all the million and one excuses. I think i've finally seen the light. Maybe its what someone said to me today. That, you are at the start of your life, at the start of your career. Are you sure you will be able to see eye to eye with a man at the peak of his career? Or even someone who might even possibly be hitting the downhill curve of his career. Will you be contented just living off his money and letting him feed you? Knowing that at any one point, he might leave you for someone younger, someone who in 10 years time, can give him the same feelng that you might possibly be giving him?
What is the difference between liking a friend extremely much and loving a person for all the good and all the bad that he is. Well, i spent the afternoon defending my position. Oh, i know he will never stop me from achieving the things i need to achieve in life. In fact, he has been supportive all this while in my old job. I enjoy the intellectual tennis that we play. There is no guarantee that he will not leave even if he is of the same age. Age is not an issue. Its what i feel for him that ultimately counts. And of course this person said, well, when you are in love, all is clouded. You cannot see past his beauty. In fact, all you see is his beautiful parts. There are no flaws. You disagree all the time even now when you are not even dating. When you start? What happens? Are you going to stop talking altogether to avoid disagreeing? And how would you feel if you were to live under the same roof as someone and see the person everyday and not talk to the person.
The one statement that hit the nail on the spot was, if one person tell you something, and you don't agree, you can still stick to your guns. But if 10, 20 people tell you the same thing, then isn't it time to look past the surface, so that you do not eventually get hurt?
It was meant to be a simple dinner, a chill out session. The dinner and heat pack was an excuse to see him. The card was an excuse to share with this one special person exactly how i felt. It didn't matter that i left the heat pack i bought for him at home in a rush to make it for work on time this morning. The nearest pharmacy had a steady supply of heat pack. What did it matter that i already have 3 of it at home? What was more important was that he got his heat pack, so that when the knee or leg starts aching up again, he could simply throw it into the microwave and give himself some momentarily comfort.
I wanted desperately for him to ask me out. I wanted to be able to look back at it all and said, hey, i wasn't all that bad. He also enjoyed my company somehow. But it was close to 6pm, and he had not called or smsed. Finally, coz i did not know whether we were still meeting, although he mentioned it in passing yesterday, i caved. I smsed him to ask him if we were still meeting. Finally he replied, to say yeah, 8 plus. Nothing new i guess. after all, dinners with him were always that late. Left office at 7pm, but decided it was pointless to go home, so thought i'll run to buy him his heat pack since we were finally meeting, and then write him the sweet card that i bought for him.
I waited patiently for his reply. For his call that he said would be forthcoming. For the sms that said he was ready to meet. For days, i've wanted to bring him to this place where they sold fabulous salad udon. (for the record, this was my opinion) That's what he liked to eat, or so my lack of observational skills were put into test. Anyway, the call finally came after 8.30, saying that he would end at 9ish, and we would go to sushi tei for dinner. He made a pretty valid point anyway. By the time he got out of work, and hunted for the place, the restaurant would probably be closed. And so, i agreed. After all, beggars can't be choosers right? It was his company that i wanted ultimately, and therefore, it really didn't matter that we weren't gg to this restaurant that i have been planning to bring him to since late September. All in good time... all in good time.
Dinner was a hurried affair, for by the time we got there, which was about 9.20, they were taking the last orders for food. And he looked so tired, and so edgy, that i was rooted in my chair, not ready to voice out anything disagreeing, for fear of adding more stress to him. And so i did what i would do in such situations, i sat, smiled and listened to him tell me why it made more sense for us to come to sushi tei once again rather then gg to some far off restaurant. And why it was bloody bad to meet up on a weekday. Frankly does it make a difference when we meet up? After all, the guy is married to his work. Has a mistress as the work, and has children as the work. So it didn't really matter. We talked a little, chatted a little about my sexuality, i tried to share something with him, but i guess he just wasn't interested. And then he asked, casually, something in the likes of let's sleep together again or when are we gg to sleep together again.
I didn't reply then, as i felt any answer would have been inappropriate. But i was definately wanting to scream out, how about after dinner. That would be the best dessert for me. Not coz sleeping with someone would have been good dessert normally, but coz the comment made a difference for me. For the time we have been back, he has seem so indifferent to the whole prospect of sleeping together, that i dare not even broach on the topic for fear of offending him or putting him in one of his defensive moods about oh, i knew this would happen.. etc.. etc but he did talk about his ideal woman. A woman who would be a yes woman. Someone that would allow him to be the head of the household, someone that would let him run the show. And i guess the question i didn't ask was, and you think i would not?
Dinner ended before 10 as the cashiers had to close the accounts for the night. I bought him dinner coz i said i would. Anyway, dinner was meant to be a bribe to get him out. So, for all it was worth, i guess it was worth it. Then his phone rang, and when he put down the phone, he said, i don't have to go back to work. And then he said, let's go have a drink.. meaning coffee.
We walked to the nearest starbucks, and sadly, they closed early. So we decided to walk to the next starbucks which happened to be 5 minutes away. We got there, sat down for barely 10 minutes when all of a sudden, he sits up from the couch that we were at and says, hey, i have to go back to work. Huh? Puzzlement... Wasn't it less then 20 mintues ago that you said that you didn't have to go back to work. I kept silent. I wanted the tears to pass. I was never great at crying in public, let alone in front of someone that i felt cared nothing about me and my feelings. When they subsided, i said, well, i haven't finished my drink, but if you have to go, then go. Then he said, are you trying to tell me you want me to stay till you finish your drink? Then alright. I guess i can sit for another 5-10 minutes. Right... At this point of time, the flood of emotions came again. So once again, i looked out in the distance, and tried to focus on all the other things that didn't matter. I refuse to break down in front of him. Not that i think he would be able to handle it should i cry. Not that i think it would have mattered to him that he had hurt me. So finally after minutes of pure silence with him sitting at his corner and me in mine, i asked, why ask me out for coffee if you were going to sit only for 10 minutes and run?
Then, he said this.. Coffee also must have time frame one meh? I thought this sort of things, understood one mah. Don't need to explain. I initially wanted a drink after dinner. Then the other starbucks was closed. And we had to spend time walking here. And by then, the time that i had allocated for you was over. Hello? Allocated? Thanks a million dude. I think i'm worth more then that. In my humble opinion at least. Anyway, there was nothing left to say. I finished up my coffee as quickly as i could, picked up my laptop and left. There was really nothing to say.
I had to get away quickly. I didn't dare look at him. I knew there was only that much i could control with relations to my tears. There have been one or two sticky situations when the tears got the better of me. And with this man, this so special man, i didn't want to take the gamble. Who knows what he would say if i really did cry? Oh, see i told you so. After we sleep together, you get all emotional on me.... yadder yadder...
Anyway, after i left, in a last ditch effort to salvage the situation, i sms him, i guess i really am not understanding enough. All i wanted was to have dinner and chill and spend some time with you. So much for enjoy the moment. If i knew moments were that short, then maybe if i was more prepared, i would have handled it better. And he messaged, oh, thanks for dinner and the heat pack. Of which i sms him, well, if its useful for you, then its worth it. And i didn't even get a hug for buying you dinner and a heat pack. And he said he'll make it up the next time. Next time? Maybe he wasn't pissed off. Then in one sheer moment of stupidity, i decided to do the same thing my friend did. I think in law they call it the one question too many. I sms him back, you know, what you said during dinner about sex, were you serious or were you joking.
Drumroll please.....
And the answer is....
Joking only. Good nite.
Like the whole night was not an insult enough, this was like smearing salt in an open wound. I guess the jokes on me eh? Funny how i remember not too long ago when i also wrote this one sentence. And with that, comes the conclusion of this hilarious one sided love story. I loved and i lost. i did promise to do him one favour before all this transpired. And because he really is special to me, he will have his job done if he passes it to me. But when he returns on the 17th, with a job well done, i will do my darnest never to contact him again.
Maybe in the whole sequence of things, he was right. Or maybe not quite. Even before i boarded the plane for HK, i knew i was already in love with this guy. I didn't sleep with him with the intention of changing his view of me. I slept with him coz i wanted to. But maybe for a while, i thought i could have been more then a holiday fling or a two night stand. Maybe for a while, i thought we clicked. And maybe for a while, i really did thought my company and presence meant something in his life. Not as a girlfriend, not as a realtionship, but at the very least, a worthy companion. And now i know, that, each time we went out, i was allocated time. Sounds like time wasted. And i must have been pretty bad in bed for it to be a joke.
Oh well, at least i;ve seen the light. Somehow, he'll remain special. But surely i no longer want to take up his precious and busy time. I've never been time allocated in someone's life before. In fact, its been a long time since i really wanted to spend my life taking care of someone and giving in to the person and making the person happy, and doing everything i can to make the person's life easier in my own simple ways. But during dinner, he mentioned so many times, he's not looking for a relationship. And i respect that. But i never want a person to feel like i wasn't worth his company. Coz i know i deserved every minute of it, if not more. I know, i would have given him the moon had he asked. And for that, i know, that it's finally over...

GAME OVER... GAME LOST

Monday, November 14, 2005

Questions unanswered

I guess there are many things about men which i have yet to figure out. And more importantly, there are questions about 1 particular man that i wish to figure out but will never have the ability to. Is it my presence that you cannot deal with? Or is it merely you are not interested in my company whatsoever.. i am surprised. I'm not even interested to blog today.
For what you did on Friday, i guess now i can see why u were even nice to me on Saturday. And for that, i dislike u even more. For you did not even have the courage to tell me the truth. And i was right. You were so unwilling to share. And i question why i shared so willingly with you. Why i tell you each and everything that happens to me. And there you were, guarding your cards so close..

Saturday, November 12, 2005

As night falls

As night falls, its the time of the night where one grows weary and tired. And its normal to feel this way. If you were on a journey and not sure when u will reach the end, then as night falls, its time to lay your knapsack down and turn in and lie down to sleep. For if you choose not to sleep, u might find yourself too tired to carry on or even if you did take some extra steps, you might die of exhaustion.
Tonight, as the weariness hits me in a wave, i realize now how my head had been right all this while. The things that i spoke to Superman this afternoon, about us being from different worlds, about how there can never be a happy ending to this fairy tale, has hit me back hard. Tonight as he once again turns a blind eye to my calls, in whichever manner, it dawn on me that i should have given up so long ago. That it was only coz i was in dreamland that i actually believed or bluff my brain to believe that there could be just so much more.
Its always how i am not understanding enough, how he has so much work to do, How i cannot expect him to give me more time or more attention. How i am too demanding. And from this moment, i guess he is right. I am demanding. I do want more. I do want more time, more attention, i want to be everything that he is scared of. With that thought in mind, i shall go off to dreamland and write tml.

Friday, November 11, 2005

That's life

I seem to be running out of topic titles. I've been having some thoughts lately about finally opening up my blog to people in my life instead of just keeping the blog private as i have done. Not sure if it is really such a great idea. But will open it up for consideration.
Anyway, two things in my insignificant life happened yesterday. Why do i always blog 24 hrs after the incident has happened? I guess to give myself time to figure out whether its worth blogging about. Anyway, going to talk about the 2nd thing first. Was running for a position in this committee for something that i feel was rather close to heart. In the lead up to the running for the committee, i was asked to run for president. But, i guess there was a part that felt i might not do as good a job as someone else i knew. Why? Is it coz i doubt that i have the potential to do something? Or rather the capacity to do it? Well, i guess the answer is no. I just feel that i am not as passionate about it as this other person is. Then again, i also feel that this person needs the affirmation more then i needed it. And therefore, i'm glad the results turned out favourable. I am officially the vice president ( gives me more room to slack) Haa...
The other incident that got to me was that i had a small argument with the one person who recently has been able to get all sorts of weird reactions from me. I really cannot understand how and why it is that i am having a dance with this friend. Ever felt that with every step u take with a person, you seem to be moving one step back one day later? And i guess, for this friend, i feel this way. I've really done my best to listen, to ask pertinent questions, and yet, at the end of the day, i feel like i've not progressed. It seems like the wall is so high and so tight, that there is no way of getting across or into the beautiful castle that i see inside. Or maybe only becoz its so difficult to get in that the castle looks beautiful. Would i then when i have entered, see a place that is in ruins and walk away never to want to come back again?
Anyway, the curious incident is that this person msned me today. As usual, we pretended that nothing transpired between us yesterday. But how healthy is this? How healthy will a relationship or friendship be if you cannot talk about what is bugging you or what you really want? Someone once told me that when you fall in love, its meant to be simple. Not that there are no obstacles in love, but everything seems to fall into place. And when you have a fight or where there is a difference in opinion, you will be able to talk it out or work it out. If you have to struggle so hard to make things work, it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Is this one person right? If this person is right, then by golly, i guess its darn certain that this person is not the right person for me. And yet, another school of thought is through adversity, a couple grows. So, which is which? Depends on the school of thought that you subscribe to i guess.
Had a fantastic day out tonight. Its been ages since i last went partying with Superman. Brought a friend along as well. I really do miss him and the times when we partied religiously every week. At the end of the night, he sent me a really sweet sms. Told me not to do anything stupid before consulting him. I guess it's times like this where i feel that i'm really blessed. Around me in my life, i've always had a steady stream of people and friends who want to be around for me, who would share their knowledge and life experiences with me. And that has helped me grow a lot as a person and also has kept me out of trouble once too often. Thanks big brother.... you truly are special. Why? Coz you treat even the most insignificant person with the dignity and respect as you would a great person. And i know in my heart that sometimes, i must irritate the hell out of you, but you never get annoyed. With all the patience you can muster, you will still hold my hand and walk with me.
I have been in love with a person for some time now. It's hard to admit this especially when the relationship is going nowhere... But today, as i am writing this blog, and after reading a friend's blog, i guess i really have to admit it. No amount of self delusion, self constrait, restraint has helped me in this regard. Maybe when they say, sometimes, with emotions, you can hardly control yourself and that of your heart, its really true. I have no idea how to approach this person and i guess in my own cowardly way, i probably never will. Inside my head, i'm holding a debate. If i tell this person that i'm in love with him, it could strike up certain endings. And out of all these conclusions, hardly any of them good. Then i ask myself, if thats the case, is it then pointless to stay in love with this person? Every rational part and logical part of me screams to walk away. And yet, the heart which has been hurt once too often, refuses to listen to logic and reason. Why is that so? Does it happen to most people? And are there those that don't feel that way? And if so, what and how are they able to not listen to their hearts, but to go with their heads?
Its really tough to be in love with a person. Oki.. that statement is a lie. Its only tough when its not reciprocal. If it was a two way traffic, then at this moment, i guess i will only be able to blog about love, love and more love. So the question that comes to mind once again, is the question of whether it is better to be loved or to love....
Love should be something complementary i guess. Not a matter of who loves who more, but rather, a matter of give and take.To receive, you must first give. And yet, when is the time when u can say you haven't given enough, and refuse to give any more coz you are not receiving. Tough call. Sometimes, you find excuses after excuses to say, its alright. I'll give it one last shot. If it doesn't work out, then i'll stop. Then there are the times when u say, i've given so much already, why not just carry on? Maybe, just maybe one day he'll give. Or maybe just one day, he will miraculously wake up and decide that he adores me coz i've given so much. Does persistency pay? And at what price?
Sometimes, i wish i was a guru and i had all the answers at the snap of my fingers. At the same time, i take it all that these are learning experiences and that is how one grows as a person. But does it mean i have regressed if i haven't learnt the lesson after getting burnt once? And remember i said once history is repeated each time till you learn the lesson that you are meant to learn? So is this the lesson that i am meant to learn? Or is this a test of my faith?
Why is it that with each point of view that i take, i am still clueless?

Thursday, November 10, 2005

My declaration of Self Esteem

I am Me
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
Because I alone chose it - I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,Whether they be to others or to myself - I own my fanatasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and Successes, all my failures and mistakes
Because I own all of Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts - I knowThere are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other Aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me - However I Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whateverI think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically Me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and doI have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be Productive to make sense and order out of the world ofPeople and things outside of me - I own me, and therefore I can engineer me - I am me and
I am Okay!

(Virginia Satir)

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A not so long one

Just thought of writing a long post since i am waiting for time to pass anyway. Its called the long one, coz i have absolutely no idea what the topic is going to be about. I have been reading my previous posts and the comments that have been generated. Didn't know that many people respond or rather read and write in people's blogs in hope that they will respond and generate traffic in their own sites. Is everything nowadays about money?
Had an interesting topic of conversation with someone yesterday. Had to think had about certain matters. Is money really that important? And yet at the end of the day, what can you do if you have no money? Would a poor man think that money is the most important thing in the world, if he had a family of 4 to feed and yet, each day, jobless, he brings no bacon and bread home? Or would a rich man feel that money means nothing to him. After all, he has so much that it will take several lifetimes to spend it all.
Then a topic of interest came about in Sunday's newspaper. About a person who was using a handicapped toilet. And she was penalised for it. Funny how people are talking about equal opportunities, and yet want special treatment at the end of the day. Its like 100 yrs ago, if you were to say, well, woman would one day run the world, or be so involved in politics that they yield as much power as men, people would think you to an idiot. Spluttering nonsense. And yet, look how far we have progressed. And yet, it was kinda funny thinking of woman at that time who were fighting for equal rights and yet, accuse a man of not being a gentleman if he doesn't hold the door open for her. Haven't people already figured out there is nothing called equality. We can say we have progressed and that we have grown. But we cannot say we are looking at equality. Woman and man will never be equal. Its our make and our backgrounds that will never make us equal. We both appeal to different things. We don't have to appeal to the same things or same traits. We need to complement each other. I do hope i do not get shot down for voicing out such comments.. haha
Not sure what to write abt actually... maybe it will be a short one after all. Ha..
Have decided that its time to go back to school. Haven't really shared much of this thought with anyone just yet. I guess there is a time and place for everything. And somehow, this suddenly feels like its the correct time to start doing this and doing that. Maybe its coz its the year end and i feel like i'm gg to be one year older again and i better start doing something about it. Funny how these things work. Never quite sure. But i guess when the motivation is strong enough, its time to act on my instincts and move that butt. Rather then sit and wait all day long.
Was just mentioning to a friend that for some time now, i have felt that my life is incomplete. But suddenly, it feels complete all over agian. How can that be? How can one's life change overnight? Is it merely the perspective that has changed or maybe its the fact that i've found new purpose in my life and therefore, am feeling this way? And what would my purpose be? Tough question to answer. I have no idea really. I just know that there are a lot of things to do, a lot of things to accomplish. And yet, maybe with each passing day, i'm growing older, and one day, i don't want to look back and say, what the heck, i wish i had done that.. or this.. or that..

Simple ramblings

Today someone said this one phrase to me. When people tell you you cannot do it, just prove them wrong.
Such a simple line, yet full of meanings. Especially for me. Connects so well.
Had a terrific time out with a friend on Sunday. Don't know if i mentioned it yet. But i guess a friends posting spoke true to heart. Sometimes, there is that one person that you know will hurt you. And yet, you allow that person that opportunity coz you value that person's happiness above your own. For a long time, i have not felt that way. Especially after Guardian a long time ago. Last week, maybe at this exact same time, i came to realize that i value his happiness a lot more then mine. This one friend, so special, who might not view me as someone as special, but somewhere along the way, i've given up control of my own heart. Scary as it may seem, i see it as a beginning. A beginning of letting go of total control and living as a person again.
I have no idea how this friendship will turn out. Or even if we will ever have a future admist all the mist and haze. But i know that somehow, i have grown. And he has helped me grow in that way. For that, i whisper a silent thank you. If you give me a chance to touch your life like you have touched mine, i would truly be the happiest person alive. Today, life seems more reasonable. That i'm happy to be alive. Cheers

Monday, November 07, 2005

The sun is shining once again

Have returned back from the dead. My goodness, it sure is irritating being sick. Especiallly since i just returned from a trip. And i hate being sick. Especially when there is no one to give in to my whims and fancy, when there is no one to buy me soup or cake or just some drink to cheer me up. And worse still, when the throat hurts like crazy that i dun even want to eat. But i guess the worse is over now. I'm sort of healthy again.
Had a great talk with a friend today. I guess i feel its great coz we actually talked. Its scary, but i am falling for this friend more and more each day. I'm not sure how to explain what i feel for him. It's a lovely feeling, being in love with someone. But with this guy, it has to be slow and i'm kinda scared that i will ruin things if i tell him too much about how i feel and all. So in the mean time, i guess i'll just have to keep mum about certain stuff.
Erm, its time to start work soon. The longer i laze around, the more slack i will be. Great. The sun is shining once again, and the sky looks beautiful, the clothes will get dry, and everything is sunny

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Back with reluctance

Just returned back to Singapore with much reluctance. I guess if i had a chance to go to hong kong and work, i would rush to do it. Doesn't matter if the pay ain't that great. As long as i can survive, i would love to stay there. I guess there are a couple of reasons why i love it there so much. The main importance is tha ti guess the family there is so much sweeter then the family i have here. I guess sometimes the grass on the other side is always greener. However, it really is true. I mean, i think i have had dinner as a family more often there then i ever had in a year over here in Singapore. Not to mention home cooked food.
My friend did turn up eventually. I'm not sure how to react still. I guess i'm still contemplating. He is by far a really sweet man. Different from how he is in Singapore. Yet at the same time, all i needed from him at the end of the two days were just some simple reassuring words that these two beautiful days didn't change our friendship or that he might like to see me again. But then again, maybe he had no such intention of seeing me again and therefore didn't say anything. But then again, i guess at the end of the day, a girl would still have liked to hear from the man that he enjoyed her company. Then again, maybe it was really just meant to be a holiday fling or even an ONS. And therefore, no comments were warranted. And i think i wasn't that great in bed. Then again, these things do take some time and some getting used to.
I guess all i can say is that i knew the stakes before i decided to go. However, didn't calculate on enjoying his company all that much. After all, back here in Singapore, we fight all the time over the most nonsensical things that sometimes i wonder why we are even friends. But i guess over there in Hong Kong, it was different. Could be he was more relaxed, or could be i was determined not to fight with him. Whatever the case, i know i did enjoy his company although i knew when he left that we were worlds apart. There is a part of me that wonders after i return him the stuff he had left at the hotel room and his MTR card, will we ever see each other again outside the confines of our mutual friends. Only time will tell i guess.
Will post more later when i wake. Really need to hit the sack now.. Too darn tired.