I seem to be running out of topic titles. I've been having some thoughts lately about finally opening up my blog to people in my life instead of just keeping the blog private as i have done. Not sure if it is really such a great idea. But will open it up for consideration.
Anyway, two things in my insignificant life happened yesterday. Why do i always blog 24 hrs after the incident has happened? I guess to give myself time to figure out whether its worth blogging about. Anyway, going to talk about the 2nd thing first. Was running for a position in this committee for something that i feel was rather close to heart. In the lead up to the running for the committee, i was asked to run for president. But, i guess there was a part that felt i might not do as good a job as someone else i knew. Why? Is it coz i doubt that i have the potential to do something? Or rather the capacity to do it? Well, i guess the answer is no. I just feel that i am not as passionate about it as this other person is. Then again, i also feel that this person needs the affirmation more then i needed it. And therefore, i'm glad the results turned out favourable. I am officially the vice president ( gives me more room to slack) Haa...
The other incident that got to me was that i had a small argument with the one person who recently has been able to get all sorts of weird reactions from me. I really cannot understand how and why it is that i am having a dance with this friend. Ever felt that with every step u take with a person, you seem to be moving one step back one day later? And i guess, for this friend, i feel this way. I've really done my best to listen, to ask pertinent questions, and yet, at the end of the day, i feel like i've not progressed. It seems like the wall is so high and so tight, that there is no way of getting across or into the beautiful castle that i see inside. Or maybe only becoz its so difficult to get in that the castle looks beautiful. Would i then when i have entered, see a place that is in ruins and walk away never to want to come back again?
Anyway, the curious incident is that this person msned me today. As usual, we pretended that nothing transpired between us yesterday. But how healthy is this? How healthy will a relationship or friendship be if you cannot talk about what is bugging you or what you really want? Someone once told me that when you fall in love, its meant to be simple. Not that there are no obstacles in love, but everything seems to fall into place. And when you have a fight or where there is a difference in opinion, you will be able to talk it out or work it out. If you have to struggle so hard to make things work, it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Is this one person right? If this person is right, then by golly, i guess its darn certain that this person is not the right person for me. And yet, another school of thought is through adversity, a couple grows. So, which is which? Depends on the school of thought that you subscribe to i guess.
Had a fantastic day out tonight. Its been ages since i last went partying with Superman. Brought a friend along as well. I really do miss him and the times when we partied religiously every week. At the end of the night, he sent me a really sweet sms. Told me not to do anything stupid before consulting him. I guess it's times like this where i feel that i'm really blessed. Around me in my life, i've always had a steady stream of people and friends who want to be around for me, who would share their knowledge and life experiences with me. And that has helped me grow a lot as a person and also has kept me out of trouble once too often. Thanks big brother.... you truly are special. Why? Coz you treat even the most insignificant person with the dignity and respect as you would a great person. And i know in my heart that sometimes, i must irritate the hell out of you, but you never get annoyed. With all the patience you can muster, you will still hold my hand and walk with me.
I have been in love with a person for some time now. It's hard to admit this especially when the relationship is going nowhere... But today, as i am writing this blog, and after reading a friend's blog, i guess i really have to admit it. No amount of self delusion, self constrait, restraint has helped me in this regard. Maybe when they say, sometimes, with emotions, you can hardly control yourself and that of your heart, its really true. I have no idea how to approach this person and i guess in my own cowardly way, i probably never will. Inside my head, i'm holding a debate. If i tell this person that i'm in love with him, it could strike up certain endings. And out of all these conclusions, hardly any of them good. Then i ask myself, if thats the case, is it then pointless to stay in love with this person? Every rational part and logical part of me screams to walk away. And yet, the heart which has been hurt once too often, refuses to listen to logic and reason. Why is that so? Does it happen to most people? And are there those that don't feel that way? And if so, what and how are they able to not listen to their hearts, but to go with their heads?
Its really tough to be in love with a person. Oki.. that statement is a lie. Its only tough when its not reciprocal. If it was a two way traffic, then at this moment, i guess i will only be able to blog about love, love and more love. So the question that comes to mind once again, is the question of whether it is better to be loved or to love....
Love should be something complementary i guess. Not a matter of who loves who more, but rather, a matter of give and take.To receive, you must first give. And yet, when is the time when u can say you haven't given enough, and refuse to give any more coz you are not receiving. Tough call. Sometimes, you find excuses after excuses to say, its alright. I'll give it one last shot. If it doesn't work out, then i'll stop. Then there are the times when u say, i've given so much already, why not just carry on? Maybe, just maybe one day he'll give. Or maybe just one day, he will miraculously wake up and decide that he adores me coz i've given so much. Does persistency pay? And at what price?
Sometimes, i wish i was a guru and i had all the answers at the snap of my fingers. At the same time, i take it all that these are learning experiences and that is how one grows as a person. But does it mean i have regressed if i haven't learnt the lesson after getting burnt once? And remember i said once history is repeated each time till you learn the lesson that you are meant to learn? So is this the lesson that i am meant to learn? Or is this a test of my faith?
Why is it that with each point of view that i take, i am still clueless?
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