Saturday, December 31, 2005

The day before New Year's Eve

I typed out my whole bloody blog, and somehow the page hung, and now my whole blog has to be retyped. And i can't even remember what i typed. Damn....
My feel to blog vanished with the lost of the posting. sighz....
Alright, here we go again. Abridged version this time though. Maybe if i'm in a better mood later i'll type a more complete version.
Spent day getting ipod shuffle that i got as a present from TG to work. Didn't work after 16 hours. Gave up. Was chatting with TG on Msn. Shared with him yesterday's post i think. Got him a little worked up. Settled that. Gave baby a name. DJ. Went for dinner, met two friends. One feels crappy after ex bf finds a new girl. She already has a bf. And i wonder why people dun treasure who they have. Went for coffee after that.
Smsed TG to ask if he was joining Superman and myself to party. Got negative reply. Went to meet Superman at Thumper. Told me TG was turning up after all. Happy. Met TG and his two friends. Had an interesting conversation admist the noise. Debate about mankind, the thrill of the chase, and the sense of achievement and contentment. TG was vehement, i was fervid, about our POVs.
I subscribe to the zen theory, he didn't. Realised that i was in self denial admist it. Why? Go read The Devil and Miss Pyrm by Paulo Coelho. You'll understand. Recalled friend that came back from Cambodia doing community service. Same issue. Want to stay there for life coz of the life they lead. Very contented. But is it possible knowing that there is so much out there?
So, finally left Thumper with TG. Spent another hour plus chatting at the carpark. Talked about stuff in general. Got some answers to some questions. Was mind provoking and yet gave me new insight. He said i was pushy. It was one claim i couldn't refute. Finally talked for too long. Tired. Wanted to head back. Night was a topsy turvy of emotion. Just as i felt that the loop was closed. He pulled a bunny out of the hat.
Oki. This was the part i got to before the computer hung on me. I was bloody writing a thesis paper on the subject of contentment and achievement. But guess you have to wait another couple of days when i feel more inclined to write and its not 6 in the morning.
So here we were, tired, after standing at the carpark for close to 2 hrs. And we'd just hugged and given our customary pecks when he says we'll do something come March. And i say, i'm a healthy and energetic person and its a long wait till then. And he said, well i'm sure you can find a filler. Of course this wasn't how it all went. But that's the gist of it.
Ouch. And i guess someone told me once before that my face is like an open book. The hurt must have been evident coz he retracted and said it was a joke when i said, alright, since you've already given the green light, then why not. I mean what the heck was i expected to say? So he asked if i had to take it so seriously. Maybe i over reacted, but one word summed it up. OUCH.

The day before New Year's Eve

Today i re-learnt a couple of lessons. I've probably learnt them before and yet i guess at the end of the day, maybe coz its the day before new year's eve, it was GOD's way of telling me it was time to relearn some lessons that i didn't learn very well.
Let me first talk about the day in general. Now that i come to think about it, i think i'm a rather long winded person. Or maybe i just enjoying writing once i'm in a writing mood.
I spent almost the whole day from last nite when i returned home after receiving my Christmas present from a friend, and having a late coffee session, fiddling with my new toy. Received an ipod shuffle for Christmas. It was clearly very pleasant. And if behind every action there is a positive intention, then i can see many reasons why an ipod shuffle was a great gift. Anyhow, being the computer idiot that i am, after all, all i know is how to type in my blog, go to friendster and check email, i spent close to 16 hours getting the ipod shuffle to work. I think i've clearly read the instruction booklet a good 20 times in 16 hours, and done every conceivable action i could. And the conclusion was that i still could not work it. Anyway, i decided to give it up to meet a couple of good friends for dinner and subsequently to go partying with Superman.
Dinner was a simple affair at one of the places that i truly love coz of the avocado squeeze more then the food really. And when i met this girlfriend of mine, i was baffled at how she was feeling. Here was a girl that just got attached to an extremely understanding and loving man, and she was missing her ex boyfriend coz he finally decided to stop waiting for her and get attached. Sometimes, i wonder at this sort of stuff maybe coz i wonder how come people never treasure what they have and when they finally lose it, it seems like this one person they never treasured suddenly becomes the most important person in their lives. And therein, i relearnt my first lesson. And that is that i should treasure the person that i am with now, at this point. And not when the person is ready to leave.
So after dinner, we decided to go take a walk and eventually ended up having coffee at coffee bean. Nothing much happened there. Was really looking forward to going partying with Superman. Haven't partied with him for a while now.
I sms Mr TG if he was going. And got a negative reply. But that didn't dampen the mood really. Was really looking forward to partying i guess. And when i finally reached Thumpers, Superman came out to bring me in and also shared with me a good piece of news. Apparently, my favourite person was turning up after all. And so, that really did brighten up the mood. And i was a happy camper from then on. If only life could be so simple.
And so when he arrived with two other friends, we all engaged in conversation and we talked about many topics. Now you know that although i'm long winded, i wouldn't go into such nitty gritty details if i didn't think it would build up the story. So we chanced upon this topic of conversation about giving your number out at a club, pub, nightspot etc. And the topic led us to an interesting philosophical discussion about mankind in general.
And so we talked, we debated, and whatever you could think about for a long long while. And i guess that was how the rest of the night progressed. Each had their points of view and i could clearly see where he was coming from. But i remember not too long ago where i had this same mentality. I remembered sharing with Papa Bear that life was very funny. That for the life of me i could not understand life.(No pun inteneded) I shared with him how hard it was to succeed. Coz if it was a simple success, it probably wouldn't feel anything. So it has to be something of a stretch. Something that you might not have achieved if you had just gave a half assed effort. It had to be something that you gained out of sweat, hard work. And then you will have lots of pride and you will feel good coz it would feel like an achievement. I remember Papa Bear asking me, why does it have to be that way? That's just one perspective to look at things. Can it be easily achieved and still be deamed and achievement? I was stumped there. I tot about it long and hard, and i came up with this conclusion. Why must the road be long and why must the journey be ardous before a person can be contented? If the road was simple but it was where you wanted to go in the first place, would you have achieved your objective and therefore, should you not be satisfied as well?
And so we spent a good part of the night, these friends and i debating about this. TG as usual was vehement about his point of view. That it must be fought for so that one would treasure it. And that what was handled to you on a silver platter would not mean as much. And i was fervid about my point of view. That sometimes, life hands you a silver platter and should you therefore not accept it and enjoy its goodness?
I can see where TG is coming from. I then made this statement to him. That its alright to want to be a mediocre person. That not everyone wants to be rich, not everyone wants to be a boss. Some people enjoy living the life of an ordinary person. And he posed me a question that got me think. And i guess that is one question that has been on my mind for the whole of this year. What defines an extraordinary person and what defines a mediocre person. And can one truly be contented if you know what lies out there?
I remember the book, the Devil and Miss Pyrm by Paulo Coelho. To my understanding after reading the book, it was about contentment and life. I'm too lazy to describe what the book was about. But i guess you need to read it for yourself to see what our topic of discussion was going. And suddenly it hit me that i was merely in denial. A friend was back from community service in Cambodia the other day. And he told me that he wishes to go back there again. And this was coz he saw how contented the children were there. They were so carefree and happy. Did they know that there was life out of their little village. Some of these children did not even have an education coz their parents could not afford to send them to school. So when they grow up, they will probably take over farming or whatever skills their parents have imparted to them and this will continue on until someone breaks the cycle. And yet, in some parts of the world, where the population is generally more affluent, education is compulsory. And he said he wished he could live there and be like them. So i posed him this question. It was good to go there for a short while. But would you truly be contented? Becoz you know what you're missing out on?
It was an interesting topic that at least managed to keep many of us interested for the night. And at some point of time, i actually teared. It took a lot of familarity for me to tear in front of him. Coz u know that i am not someone who tears easily. Or maybe i am. I just don't like to show it very much. Anyway, it was a good talk albeit the fact that it was probably a little too roller coaster for my liking... sighz

Friday, December 30, 2005

One wish for Christmas. What would it be?


Below is an excerpt
A: If there was one thing you can have from Christmas. What would it be?
B: Well, what sort of question is that?
A: What was something that you wanted for Christmas but didn't get?
B: You?
A: Something material..
B: Nothing in mind i guess...

Yup. He has returned and seeing him was worth more then any present anyone could have given me. And i guess if he was a genie and he could grant me any wish, then it was the wish i made way before Christmas. I wish i could cuddle up next to him and just spend some time together. But, we do not live in a world where we have genies. So no one is going to grant me that wish.
Funny how all my life growing up, i realise that i've never really wanted a present very much. I've always wanted someone's presence more. When Guardian and i were together, somehow or rather, we always seem to miss the occassions. And when we finally broke up and were still seeing each other on and off, i remember him asking me each year what i wanted for Christmas. There were so many gifts, to always make up for the fact that he had to spend Christmas with his girlfriend then, and when he got married, the gifts became more costly. Maybe from the fact that he knew all i wanted for Christmas was to spend time with him. I remember the palm, the necklace, the watch, the sponsered trip to Bangkok(without him of course). The list goes on.
And the only present i really wanted, was his presence. And years later, a sucker i still am. Not so much Guardian now, but for this other guy. I cannot understand my fascination for him. Maybe its merely a crush. Maybe its infatuation. Maybe i'm in love. But every arrow, not cupid's. But directional arrows, tell me that i'm going down the wrong road. And there are days where i wish i could snap out of it. And yet, his very presence brings a smile to my face and a frown to my heart. Oh what utter dilemma this has turned out to be.

You know what i loved best about what he gave me for Christmas? It was a card he made. That was better then the two presents he gave me. Something so simple, yet it means the most. Maybe coz it took time. And time is something that i feel i seldom get from him. It has been 20 days since we last met. And, i guess i really just wanted to spend more time with him. And yet, that was too tough. I sat with him in his car and drove from Orchard to Suntec coz he said he had to get something from office. That extra 5 minutes was worth the bus trip back to Orchard once again to pick up my bike. And its times like these where i appreciate even the additional 5 minutes.
Somehow, i feel like i'm building my own sandcastles, and when the next tide comes in, it will all get washed away. And i will be there to stare out at the waves and wonder how something so beautiful and magnificant can also be so deadly. How falling in love with him could be the bane of my life. Make believe? Perharps. Not even sure if i need to make new year resolutions this year. I never seem to keep them anyway.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Post Christmas

Alright. I admit. I was just lazy to blog. Sue me.
After all the bells have stopped ringing, after all the presents have been distributed by Santa's helpers, after all the laughter and all the cheer, after all the alcohol has subsided, i must finally admit that i did do something stupid after all. Shan't say what it is. But this is one Christmas i'll remember. Not so much for that one stupid act but rather for the fact that i spent the season of merry making being sick. Sighz. Such is life.
Shall stop being such a grouch. Had a relatively pleasant Christmas if i overlook the above mentioned incidents. Had 2 Christmas eve parties to attend, 2 Christmas events to attend, and one post Christmas day party to top it off. And the there was the movie gala on the 27th. All in all i guess it was great, if i wasn't so busy being in severe pain. At least now i'm fully recovered and rearing to go. At least new year will be pleasant. More parties.
Got many presents this year. Got a wallet, a necklace, 2 bracelets, lots of toiletries, couple of toys. Guess Santa must have felt that i was a good girl this year. Either that or i'm blessed with many good friends in my life who always see it fit to make me feel loved. I only bought presents for 5 people. Mum, brother, my star, a special friend and Mr Tour Guide.
Anyway, enough of rambling about Christmas. It was fine. Overall, a 7 out of a 10.
Last night, i was out with 2 friends, and we got in talking about us and the things people do in general. And something hit me. It was a statement that one of the girls made. Something about starting and ending your day with a lie.
I hate it when friends lie to me. No, i am no saint and i am prone to occasional lying. White lies really. But i never deliberately lie so that i can do something else. I'll fib once in a while when people ask if i have money although sometimes, i'm not certain when the next pay check is coming. If it's just an acquaintence, i'll fib so that i don't have to go out and meet the person if i'm real tired. But, if its a close friend or someone i truly care about, you get the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Is it then too much to ask for the person to do the same? To let me know when they have something on, or to let me know when they can't meet up? Or simply coz they have other engagements. Is it really so hard to tell the truth? Or is it really so darn difficult to enlighten me with the truth. Do i actually look like i'll blow up or that i can't handle the truth? Oh well, life is such i guess. And today, maybe if i had confronted the person, i would have gotten the truth. Or maybe not. Who knows. All i know is that i feel confused. And slightly betrayed. And i wonder and i wonder, whether between friends, its too much to ask for honesty.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Scrooge

I have been hearing christmas songs being played over the public speakers for many days now. In fact, many years. One song that i absolutely detest goes something like this. "Last Christmas, i gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, i'll give it to someone special....."
What the f**k is this bloody song about? If you ask me, it bloody doesn't make sense. Last year, if you chose to give your heart to someone, then the person muz have been special in some ways right? So who's to say this year, when you think this person is special, you would not feel that way again next year at Christmas.
Lets think about it on a logical level. The only reason why any sane person would give his/her heart away in the first place was coz you felt taht a person was special. That there was some sort of connection, or maybe even chemistry. And so, you decide to fall in love, and then it doesn't turn out right. SO you blame the other person for playing with your heart, and hurting you. And so, this year, you choose to once again, fall in love with another person that seems more worthy this time round, and judging by the track record, chances are, you will bitch about the fact that this new person broke your heart as well, and Christmas sucks.
Frankly, i love Christmas. Until many years ago. But i learnt a lesson this year. You know how people tend to look forward to Christmas coz it is a nice way to spend time with the people you love and all that? Well, what if the people choose not to spend time with you. Does it mean that you are not special to them? I made a conscious choice to over hype Christmas this year as i thought that i would at least be able to see someone special just before Christmas.
I made loads and loads of plans, thought of new ideas as to what to do to make the night we meet a memorable one. What things to give this very special person. And like a house of cards, it just takes a gust of wind to topple it all. We're not meeting anymore. And i ask myself, why i chose to make this one special person the highlight of my Christmas. For in doing so, i set myself up for disappointment. And well, it doesn't matter really what he gets me for Christmas anymore. Coz i only ask for one thing this Christmas. And that was his presence. Anything else i receive from him this Christmas, would not mean anything except a promise unfulfilled.
Blessed Christmas one and all

Back from IAG Malaysia


I'm back!!!!!!!!! Never missed singapore that much in my whole entire life. It was an experience, and yet again, it was tiring and frustrating. All i can say is that i'm finally back. And its close to Christmas already. I have nothing much to write actually. Or maybe i just don't feel like writing about the camp.
All i know is that as a person gets more experienced in the camp, you get more responsibilities. I spoke to a little boy on the last day of the camp. He needed some closure from the activities that we did. And it was interesting in a sense coz it was precisely from the same activity that i chose not to do.
His fears? Same as mine i guess. It really is amazing how things come a full circle. And how some people tend to let fear overwhelm them. And paralyze them from achieving their fullest potential.
As i talked to him, it dawned on me that i too have been walking in a shadow. Only because not making a choice would also mean not facing the consequences the choice has. And as i let this 11 year old boy teach me a lesson in life, i return back to singapore and ask myself, the same question i posed to this boy. How do you want to lead your life? In fear? Or to create your own life, and eventually look back and know that no matter where life takes you, you have already succeeded coz u were courageous in making a choice...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Christmas Shopping

Took the day off to shop for Christmas presents. No prizes for guessing who's present i bought first. Yup. Headed to Toys'R'Us to buy him an I dog. Wanted to wait and see if i could find other colours. But he said white would do. And stocks were running low. According to the store sales person, its really popular among the kids. Faint.. guess i'm interested in an overgrown kid.
Anyway, he told me that they have it in different colors in Hong Kong. Sighz. Don't mind going back to Hong Kong to buy him his present. But i guess that's the life for the rich. Will check to see if ebay has it, or any stores in Singapore carry other colors. Then at least his present will be unique. Doubt it'll be much of a surprise if he already knows what present he will be getting.
Got a couple more presents to buy, but not sure if i can afford everything. SIghz.. Wish i was stil having a normal paying job. This commission thing ain't working out too well for me. Will stick around though. At least that was what i promised myself.
Anyway, i wonder what he'll be getting me for christmas. As well as bro. Both are keeping mum about it. Then again, its nicer getting a present that i don't know of. Short of him presenting himself gift wrapped to me, i can't really think of anything that i really want.
I really wanted to spend Christmas with him. But he's going to Hong Kong and i guess he doesn't want to spend Christmas with me. Frankly, it doesn't really matter what present he gets. It's his presence that means more. Its like, exchanging gifts is just an excuse to see him and spend some time together. And yet, at times, i feel like i'm forcing an issue. If he was seriously even remotely interested in me, he would have agreed to be my boyfriend ages ago. And the fact that he hasn't speaks volumes.
Anyway, i guess somehow, at the deepest bottom of my heart, i wonder why is it so difficult sometimes. I know i want him to be happy. Just wondering why can't we both be happy at the same time. Oh well, i can only go on wishing and hoping. Maybe one day, my wish will come true. Signing off

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Marrying off my best friend


Someone made the most apt remark during dinner. He said, you gals look like you are marrying off your sister. The two jie meis looked at each other and as we smiled and nodded our heads, a tear dropped. She hurriedly wiped it off and said, cannot tear tonight liaoz. If not all the mascarra will be gone.
And what words of wisdom.
It really felt like i was marrying off a younger sister. Especially at the point of the video montage where we saw our secondary school picture where we still looked super geeky then. And how much have we grown and blossomed since then. How much more have we learnt about life and how have we handled all the things life has thrown to us over the years.
It was not just her wedding that made the whole day emotionally draining, it was rushing between two weddings, and having to make a choice about giving up going for the third that made it so.
I could only be jie mei to one of the two girl friends that were getting married. So it had to be my best friend. After all, i guess we aren't called best friends for nothing. So, the morning started at 6am where we reached her place to prepare for the arrival of the xiong dis. Thank goodness i was planning to spend the whole day out. So i bought two dresses along. Got the first one stained with grease. The xiong dis were really sporting i think. Went for a morning swim, did a dance, ate potent stuff and all that nonsense.
Anyway, proceeded with gg back to his place for the tea ceremony, going out to take some pictures, and back to her place for tea ceremony.
Then i rushed down for the other church and luncheon. Missed the church though. And lo and behold, who should i meet at the wedding. Yes, lots of friends ranging from college, to uni, to eusoff and also netballers. The usual bunch at all of our weddings to come i presume. And i saw mad driver there. He noticed me first incidentally. Was super shocked when he came up behind me and said, see you outside for a smoke.

Haven't seen him for some time now. And he still looks the same. We chatted a little, and apparently he and the groom were childhood mates. HA.. What a small world. Anyway, we smoked together like twice, and he asked me how come i seem a lot more distant then usual. Guess i was just tired. It had been a draining day. Not to mention all the emotions that swept past.
Went back to the hotel to start and help prepare for dinner. Had the guest list to settle, making sure of sequence of events. And etc, etc, etc.
Dinner went smoothly. Didn't have to help girl drink much. Only left her to drink with the people that she met her hubby with. And well, finally i'm home.
I guess seeing two close friends get married today, and more invitations to come, really makes me wonder if people get married due to true love or due to being so used to each other. The first couple have been dating for 5 years now. The second, 5 mths. Interesting.
And as i blog and i recall the day's events, i think about someone so special to me lately. And there is a warnth in my heart. Alright, really need to hit the sack. Have 3 hrs of sleep before i need to be at training. Yawn

Fishing for compliments

It was rather hilarious now that i think about it. Was out shopping with the girls the other day and bought this purple/maroon top. It was meant for girl's wedding, and since she liked the top and she did mention if i cannot find a dress for her wedding, i am permitted to wear the top and pants, i bought it. Not that i was real comfortable with the idea of not being able to wear a bra with the top.
Anyway, it was Superman's friend's birthday party last night and i knew that somehow, he would have been invited. And i guess i wanted to dress to impress. Come to think of it, i've slowly started the make up and nicer jeans and top thing since i've known him, but guess i've never really bothered to dress up just to go out to party. Anyway, was dressed to the nines, or so i thought.
It felt good that everyone that imet that day complimented on just how hot and sexy they tot i looked. And it was sweet, coz i don't really figure myself for the hot and sexy type. More the fit and athletic type. So, the comments were refreshing. But yet i knew at the bottom of my heart, that everyone can compliment me, and it doesn't really matter. What matters was the compliment from the one person who chose to turn up after midnight, and didn't say a thing about my dressing.
Oh well, i guess i have to live with the fact that seriously, i doubt i'm his kind of girl. So maybe, no matter what i wear, i will not be looking any better or any worse. I will just be me..

Friday, December 09, 2005

Relieved

Hello
Hello
I feel a load has been lifted off my shoulders. And its a feeling that makes me feel relieved. Even happy.
My friend who was admitted into hospital has been discharged so all is fine now i guess. At least she got discharged with a happy ending. She and her other half are officially together. Took a near death for them to figure out that they want to be with each other. Funny how things work out at the end of the day. Maybe i should stop worrying so much from now onwards. It seems that there is always a guardian angel somewhere, watching out for everyone. Maybe my Guardian Angel just took a long leave of Absence. Anyway, good to know all worked out.
Saw him on Msn yesterday. And although i was once again disturbing his extremely hectic schedule, we had a good talk. Don't ask me wat is good. I can't explain. Guess it was really a clearing of the air that had held many question marks. Or maybe like wat he said, it's about finding peace within myself. Maybe its a resolution of sorts. Maybe i know now that it's alright to like someone lots. And it really doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same way i do. But at least he knows. At least its one of those better to have loved and failed then not to have loved at all.
I smsed Guardian earlier on in the day. I guess before talking to him and before finding someone to share with, i needed to talk to someone. He called me back. We talked and all. And it felt good to have chat with someone that understood. Someone that has always been around. And it was yet another good talk. Good why? Good coz somehow, it felt different. It's like i know for a fact that we'll always remain as friends. And yet, what i need now from him, and what he needs from me has changed over the years.
I'm not sure what the explaination is as well. He talked about leaving her. In the past, i would have jumped at this. After all, i've always wanted him back. And he asked if i would be there for him this time round. Maybe its also what i feel for Tour Guide, or maybe its the knowledge that i can grow and can still be strong. I told him, i'll always be around as a friend. But, things between us ended too long ago. Maybe we know each other too well. Or rather, i know him too well to know he needs only someone to be there for him. And one day he will walk away again. And i've given up enough of my life to be constantly around. And maybe i'm tired. Or maybe just maybe, i don't love him with that intensity that i did many years back.
Seems like a good time to clear the air. WIth the new year around the corner, things are tidying up quite nicely. Actually i feel like grown quite a bit since...

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Reason - Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hearI

've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Whats the reason to live?

What's my reason to live? I've asked myself this like a million times since i was 20. And i've not found a reason. So why do i live? That maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Or maybe, i made a promise to my friends that it wun happen again. It also has to do with the fact that i told them that i will never pu them through such misery again.
The last time it happened, i guess Guardian spent every waking moment that he was not working with me. And yet, what happened? After i came out of hospital, he still walked. So, was it all worth it? Besides going through 3 weeks of agony, i could not phantom why it would have been worth it. Oh yeah, maybe it was gd coz i ended up knowing who really cared about me. But then again, i know that they cared for me in the first place.
5 years later, i'm still searching for a reason. A reason as to why i want to live. Someone told me once, that the next time someone special comes along, i will kick myself in the ass and asked why i even did something so stupid..
Guess nothing changes.. tears rolled...uncertainty mounts... '
He called last nite.. or did i blog on that already. I feel bad for bugging him. I'm scared coz i know i feel the way i did 5 years back again. I just suddenly feel like i don't want friends anymore. I don't want to be close to anyone. Being close will hurt. At the same time, maybe keeping my distance will make me a stronger person.

Mother Hen 2

He's back in town today. I went down to Zouk for a Hen's nite. We chatted on MSN earlier on and i told him i needed to talk. Told him to call me when he was free. He didn't bother to come look for me although he was at Velvet. He didn't bother to call till i sms him at 1am. I hate being this way. Hate being needy. And yet, i think about the fact that i seldom tell him that i need to talk. And if it was my friend, i would have called.
And i guess maybe that's why i am having so much conflict. Or maybe i am being the kind of friend that i do not want to be back to him.
He called finally to say he didn't understand women. I really couldn't hear him very well over the phone. I guess i was too gone by then. I really just wanted someone to hear me out. Someone to understand what i felt. And yet, it was a mistake....
Last nite, i met a long time couple. A couple that have been dating for ages, who bought a apartment together, a car together and i know enough to know one of them wants to stay together for the rest of their lives. They broke up 6 mths back, and when i asked her if she still cared for him, she said something that i could identify with. She said, i care a lot. Maybe to the extend that it's like what a mother cares for a child. And yet, i know he needs his time to grow up and mature. And see that i am what he wants. If he never finds it, then i will have to live with it.
It struck a chord close to heart. I've never been so interested in a man before. Maybe only Guardian. And yet, like i said before, till today, i care about Guardian lots. I care about this new guy lots too. I worry when he is out of town, wondering if everything is fine. When he is back, i like to see him on MSN or in life, so i know he is fine. I wish there was a lot more i could do for him. And i guess what scared me for a while was the fact that i actually wanted to be around to take care of him for the rest of his life.
Maybe he doesn't need taking care of. Maybe he doesn't even want someone in his life. And yet, there is strong calling. And that is what scares me. Coz he is twice as old as me. He will age faster then me. And yet, that night, i realized that i didn't mind doing that for the rest of my life, i was terrified.
I'm not even sure how he feels about me. He's mentioned before that he is not looking for a relationship. That he is not interested in having a gf. I cannot understand why and yet, all i want is for him to be happy.
Once in a while, i feel like i need someone to just hear me out. To listen to me and for me to share with him the good and the bad. The happy times and the sad times. He mentioned once before that his ideal girl is someone who will let him run the house. TO be head of the family. Is that really so difficult? At the end of the day, i'm just looking for someone to care about me.
I know he tried calling when he reached home. But i was taking care of girl at the point of time. She was drunk, had to send her home.
Sometimes, i feel like i can no longer be there for everyone. While i am there for each and everyone of my friends, who is there for me? There are nights like tonight where i wish i can collapse in someone's arms and for that person to tell me that everything will work out fine. Hug me, cuddle me and protect me. And i can fall asleep knowing that when i wake tml, it's going to be a brand new day.
Sometimes, i wish i had the power to make a man love me, or like me. I don't need an extremely good looking man. I don't need an extremely wealthy man. All i ask is a man who cares, someone whom i can talk to. And someone who will hug me and tell me its going to be oki...

Mother Hen

Well, just came back from a Hen's nite. Its funny how i feel the way i feel right now. For the longest of time, since i was back in secondary school, i've been like mother hen to all these girls. Somehow, it has to do with being my size. I'm not exactly small and petite, not exactly huge like hulk or shrek. Guess i'm just taller and bigger then the average girl. And so, since i was like in primary school, i've always been the protector of women who were weaker and smaller. Someone joked once many years ago, that my best fren and i were so different just in size alone. She is so small, and i'm so big. If we walked into a shop, if she could find a dress or top there, then chances are, the sizes are too small and i would be unable to find clothes there. If i can find clothes there, then the cutting is probably too big for her. And so, that's how we went through our school days. Today, we celebrated her Hen's nite and i will see her get married on Saturday.
As with most times when we go partying as a group, should any guy attempt to pick up one of the gals, they will switch places with me and i will once again become the shield for them. Never changes over the years.
And i guess there's where my greatest dilemma comes in. Over the years, i've grown protective over all my friends and sometimes even their friends. You know, the only time i ever felt that someone was protective over me and not the other way round was when i was with Guardian. Then, i guess since he was a guy, he was protective over me. And that sums up what i feel today.
A fren of mine did something really stupid today. She OD.. I empathise with her coz i've walked down that road before. But her doing it brought back many memories. Up till today, i guess if you ask me why i'm living, i'll tell you coz i feel bad disappointing all the people that i treasure and love. That i know that they will feel bad should i really OD and not make it. And if you ask me what's the value of my life, i would not know how to tell you. I guess it's precisely becoz of this feeling and that is why i will place most people's happiness above mine. If i care for that person. That explains why i will send all my friends home when i drive. That explains why i will come out with my friends when all i feel like doing is staying at home and sleeping.
Over the years, i've began to place my friends before me. I was never like that when i was in school. Maybe to a certain extent. But my own life, training and sports came first. I looked out for them when i feel that they needed me. But, it was my interest more then theirs. Its changed...
Anyway back to my friend, i guess i am not sure what to do with this one. I want to be a good friend, to be there for each and everyone of them. I don't want to play the role of the martyr. I know i am unable to. And yet again, i feel bad when my friends call and i am unable to be there for them.
Last night, i blew up at a friend who was quarreling with her bf. I lost my cool coz i could not stand seeing a friend taken advantage of. A friend who was lost. And yet, my anger was not directed at her. My anger was directed coz i did not understand and could do nothing about it....
Today, i got a call that she OD. I thought about what my friends did when i OD the last time. True, they have been friends with me for ages, but one never judges the depth of the friendship by the amount of time that you know a person.
I am in conflict actually. I know i cannot handle this. There is enough things going on in my life without having to deal with this. And yet, thats what friends are for.
Our friendship will change. I know that. But it is inevitable.
Coz last night, when the shit hit the fan, i knew that i couldn't stand being around and seeing it happen. I knew that my life was a lot screwed up as well. I knew i wanted someone else to be there for me.
TBC

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

wats the matter

Today i went out partying at the once monthly two queens event. Its really funny how a party nite that is meant to be fun turned out the way it was. A friend had a fight with her "friend with benefits". And it turned ugly. I guess at that point of time, i was sort of pissed. I mean, when u start one of this FWB relationships, you need to draw the line and know where you are heading. If one person chooses to blur the lines all the time, then is it really any one's fault but her own?
I guess as with all relationships, this one is no more complicated then any others. But it really did set me thinking. Is this really what relationships are all about? It was even worse since i just came from a wedding preparation of ger's wedding. And with so many of my friends getting married this month, i guess i really am at a loss. Why is it so hard for two people to get together let alone stay together?
I just found out tour guides age 3 days back. I guess i was shocked for a while. And i guess i haven been bloggin recently coz i really dun noe what to blog about. Kinda sad that my life is a constant routine that i'm desperately trying to get out of. I told someone this the other day. What truly matters is that you love the person with all your heart. And if you love the person with all your heart, then i guess there is no need to quarrel all the time. You know, i really believe quarrels come from the fact that there is a party that wants more while there is the other party which is unwilling to give more. Then at a time like this, one needs to make the decision of which is the lesser of two evils. To stay on and tolerate or to move on. Whichever decision, it would not be easy. And if it was so tough, then one knows that its not meant to be in the first place. Why force something that is not mean to be in the first place?
One day, if tour guide and i fight over this issue, i will know that its over. OR maybe its a matter of pride, of which i have close to none when it comes to someone i truly adore. Maybe with him, i will choose to walk away when the time is right.. till then, i live to fight another day.