Thursday, March 30, 2006

Heaven Knows - Rick Price

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's so far away
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holdin' on

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows

I believe in fairytales

Had a phone call from a friend last night. And she was upset, and i was doing my best to give her a listening ear. And it wasn't too tough coz for once, i was not distracted, and sat down and heard her out. And it felt good. Just listening to my friend, and being the best friend that i could be. And in the course of our conversation, we talked about loves and the people whom we love, the people who love us, but we don't love back. I brought up my prince charming theory. And i guess, when we finally put down the phone, i realised that no matter how cynical i claim to be, or how hurt or how much i never want to be with a man again, i still believe in fairytales. And that means, that somewhere out there, is a prince charming that i've yet to meet. And as long as i continue being good, i'm fine!
Alright, i confess, i did spend the day watching disney cartoons. And i guess what inherently drives all these cartoons is that Good always triumphs over EVIL. Somehow, i wish that could be said about the real world. But all that aside, sometimes, it merely takes a little more belief. The world is a beautiful place no matter how you look at it. Sometimes, grownups like myself forget the fairytale world, where they teach us to be nice to our friends, to work together, to live happily together and ever after. And after a while, when we forget this mantra, the world becomes an ugly place coz people no longer are nice. Deep down inside, they still are. Its just that over the years, they've sort of forgotten?
Maybe i'm just being naive here. Then again, that's just me and how i cope with a world that are full of things that i can barely comprehend. But the most important lesson hit me last night while i was watching tele. If you love someone, set them free. Reminds me of rick price's song, heaven knows. And at the same time, i am reminded that there was a time where this concept was strong in my head. At 17, i told Guardian, well, if you love that girl, go. I'll be happy for you. But somehow along the way, i became possesive and demanding, and i guess over the years, i haven't changed. Now i want to be the bigger person i was. Not in size. But in heart. And although i might not be extremely happy right from the start, as long as i keep those brownie points coming in, i'll be fine!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

If we all onlly had 3 loves of our lives, i am out of the game

Alright. For the longest of time, i believed in fairytales. I mean, which child didn't right? And so for the fact that i really believed in fairytales, i also believed in the one true love of my life, sweeping me off my feet. If i'm not wrong, i did post something about cinderella and snow white theory before. Anyway, that aside, i guess in the weirdest of ways, i really wanted to believe that fairytales do exist. And like every naive little child, i wanted to be the princess in the fairytales. And if i couldn't be the princess in the fairytales, at least allow me to be the princess of my own fairytale.
And so, for a long time, i was allowed to be the princess of my little fairytale. As long as i didn't step out into the real world where other girls were also princesses of their own fairytale. I guess maybe that's why i never read a book with snow white and cinderella in it together. Because, that would have confused me as a child. They were after all, all waiting for 1 prince charming to arrive. And if all of them got their prince charming, and there was only 1 right, then how could all these woman be happy?
And so, as i grew up, stupid, naive and ignorant, i did eventually fall in love with a man. But that was not before i fell in love with a woman. Of course fairytales don't condone lesbianism. But really, how was i to know? I was young and naive, and all i could think about was being in love, having a companion, and wanting the person i loved to be truly happy. And so, when the woman thing didn't work out, coz she wasn't into lesbianism as well... Then i fell head over heels in love with the one man that i thought would be my prince charming.
We led 5 happy years together, happy as can be, and i guess i really believed in fairytales. And i was blissful that i was able to be just the princess in my own fairytale. It didn't matter what other women in the world were fighting about, i just knew as with all fairytales, that the odds would be against us, and yet, at the end of the day, we'll overcome the obstacles and we would live happily ever after!
Alas, that was not the case. And into the wind my 1st prince charming left. And i went back to flip the books again, and i realised, that well, genies give 3 wishes right? So, i should be given 3 chances to find my prince charming. And so with my little fairytale slightly dented but yet still full of eager hope, i embraced life and met the challenges it dished out to me. And then i met a lot of noble man along the way trying to pass off as my prince charming, but, i always had the eye for the prince. After all, i was the princess.
So one day, as with all fairy tales, i met prince charming again. Not the same prince charming, but a different one. And this prince charming was different from the last prince charming. And so, we had a couple months of blissful relationship, only to realise that actually, this was just a nobleman in disguise. And so, i guess i didn't use up my 3rd chance at love. And finally, after a long break, i met Prince Charming.
He really was a charming person, endearing in every way. And i was so convinced that this time round, this would be the one. But i guess the sad fact was, i never realised that in the fairytales, prince charming was also looking out for his perfect princess. And as much as i was looking out for the prince charming in my own world, i might not be the princess in prince charming's world. But i hoped and i prayed everyday that one day, prince charming would see me as the princess of his world. And no it didn't work out that way either.
And so.. if i had 3 wishes that the genie gave me to find the 1 true love or prince charming in my life, then i guess if you count the woman, then i've used it all up. So does it mean that i have no more shot in this fairytale anymore? Does it mean that i now have to settle for being just ordinary old me, and let my fairytales fade into the background? Is that how adults eventually lose their faith and hope in this world, and end up old, wrinkled and cynical? I really hope not. After all, i'm sure, i just haven't read a book where the genie gives me more then 3 wishes. Or that cinderella/snow white met many prince charmings and had to go through hell and back before they got together the prince charming that they chose to spend their lives with. But when all is said and done, if there isn't a book out there, then by golly, i'll be writing a book pretty soon. Just figuring the details of how to add the topic of lesbianism and delusion into a simple children's fairytale! Cheers

What exactly is LOVE

I'm not sure if i have posted something like this before. But what the heck. Maybe my views have changed a little since the last time i've posted. And maybe not. But for what it's worth, what the heck. I'll post something that i've been asking myself for the longest of time. What exactly is love. And when and how do you know that you are in love. And does love actually have a defining form? Like how do you know you are in love. Is it the butterflies in your stomach? Is there a tune that goes on in your head? A picture that is being painted in one's mind?
And how big is the gap when one is in love? Does it matter if the person is younger then you? Older then you? By a year, 5 yrs, 20 yrs? What does it matter? And at which point do you know its not love for a platonic friend but something much much more?
And does gender really matter? When it boils down to love, does it really matter whether its a guy or a gal? Does it really matter that sometimes, people don't conform to society's expectation? Take for example, a 20 plus year old person dating a 60 yr old man. Would that conform to society's expectation? Age gap too wide? Not natural? Then how about a girl-girl or boy-boy relationship? Lack of any age gap, but still equally unacceptable by society's standards. Now what would be acceptable? And when it boils down to it all, can a person really separate all the feelings into categories or friend, lover, potential marriage partner, buddy, just girl friend, just boy friend, stead boyfriend, steady girlfriend, and the endless other streams of categories they have in this time and age.
Forgive me for being naive here, but isn't it all just too complicated to make of this one simple feeling and process? I mean after all, isn't love just meant to be love? Companionship with a person. Being totally comfortable, being your true self with no fear of judgement? Endless conversations, or just comfortable silence? Just hanging out and chilling out and spending time together not worrying about anything, or worrying about things together? Then how is this different from being a best friend to someone? How is this different from secondary school where our best friends were the people who offered us companionship after school and at home via the phone, through endless conversations, or even just hanging on to the phone and not talking with comfortable silence? And one can screw up one's life totally and not have any fear of repercussions of a best friend judging you, or looking at you with tinted glasses from that day forth.
You know, this isn't easy for me. I've struggled with it for so many years now, and the age old question still bothers me. Maybe it doesn't bother me. Maybe over the years, i've never quite changed my stance about love. I still believe that all you have to do is to be comfortable and happy. And it really didn't matter who you were dating and who you were comfortable with and not comfortable with. But then how do you know its not a crush and that it is really love?

Sunday, March 26, 2006

The clock cannot be turned back

It funny how i like to sit and ponder and wonder how it would be if i could turn back time. But the truth of the matter is that i can't. And i can only make the best of the present.
I thought about our friendship and how it had developed over the last few years. Or rather, how it has degenerated. And i was glad we had the talk that we did in the car. But over the last few weeks, somethng dawned on me. And maybe it was your unique way of teaching me a lesson or rather your unique way of showing me somethng. I realised only just how futile was my attempts to change TG's impression of me.
Maybe it was just like you. You could never change your impression of me, as when i first knew you, i was still a girl in her teens. And i wanted so much to share whatever it was that i had with you. I wanted to share your life, your ideals, and for us to have our own companionship. But i guess you were against it so much then. And i was so confused by your actions. It took me 10 years to get an answer. And i'm glad i did. For your answer has led me to realise just how difficult it would be for TG and i to ever get together.
You showed me that ideals and ideas do change over the years. But the fact is, i was always the impatient one and had no time to wait for you to change your mind about the relationship that we were having. More importantly, at that point of time, i was merely a student to you. And i could never hope for my status to be elevated to that of a friend, or a partner. And the clock ticked, and time went by. I was in college by then. I still did all i could within my means to make you happy coz u were the most important person to me then. And yet, there was one bridge that i could not cross. And finally, i found someone else to replace the affections.
Time has been cruel to us. Or maybe, it was just the fact that we were both proud creatures, unwilling to be the first to make a move or compromise. And our friendship became water under the bridge. But i knew how much it hurt me. And never did i realise how much it hurt u. And when we finally talked, i realise just how much hurt one can cause to the person that we treasure so much.
I'm glad we're friends all over again. Sharing something that is so precious and beautiful. But the truth is we can never turn back the clock. And maybe with this regard, i will meet future challenges. And also i will know that TG and i were never meant to be in the first place. I would know that all we had was a dream of one person who loved dearly. And the other person was merely trying it out. Obviously not hard enough. But then again, maybe it was the wrong time. And for that, i can only wish that at some point of time, it would be the right time with the right person. For now, i am truly thankful for that one more chance to work things out between us. I really really love you lots.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The world seems rite again

Ever felt like sometimes all it takes is something in your life to be right and everything feels right in the world again? Well, today is one of those days. For the longest of time, i wanted to sort out our relationship. Or rather our friendship. I wanted to know the real reason why we drifted apart. Was it cos i didn't meet the expectations? Was it coz somehow, i failed? Or was it coz all the while, i was just a selfish brat.
Today, i found out the answer. It was kinda a silly scene. We both sat in the car, and i really am not sure who teared first. But the first tear came rolling down, and the dams opened. It was like i was 17 all over again. It was cute at the least, we trashed things out. And finally, i really believe we can be as close as we once were. I know for a fact that we'll never be right for each other. Only because we don't have that feel between us. And yet, all it takes for me to know that the world is right again is that no matter what happens, i have our friendship to hold on to.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

"I must be strong"

"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

Stand up for yourself... and me.
Be confident, strong, and direct.
Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
Give me space to be alone.
Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.


What I Like About Being a Eight
being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Eight
overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
putting too much pressure on myself
getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Eights as Children Often
are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
are sometimes loners
seize control so they won't be controlled
fugure out others' weaknesses
attack verbally or physically when provoked
take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Eights as Parents
are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
are sometimes overprotective
can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Sunday, March 12, 2006

The good side and the bad side

Is it a sad fact of life that people in general only remember the bad things that you do and fail to notice the 10 million other good things that you do for them? Is that how humankind is? That you can do 9 good deeds, screw up once and they only remember you for that one bad deed that you did.

Some day, my grave is going to read, here lies the one that did no good and was bad in every sense.

Today, i realise that life is kinda sad. That people aren't what they seem. And friendships don't last a lifetime. Too many hard lessons to learn in a day. But all in all, better late then never. Maybe finally, i out grew peter pan and tinkerbell. Maybe finally, i'm beginning to realise that it takes more then a dream and a fantasy to make things happen. And maybe, just maybe, i'm beginning to finally get the hang of, it takes two hands to clap, and that when you are both truly in love, then you will find that both parties are fair and not demanding.

And maybe, just maybe, i'm beginning to realise that i'll always be the bad one as long as the person doesn't choose to see the good in me. And that at the end of the day, whatever shit hits the fan, life still goes on, hours still pass and the minute hand doesn't stop. Herein lies the death of one silly monkey

Saturday, March 11, 2006

What is the value of friendship?

I've not been bloggin for some time. Maybe its coz i've been terribly busy. Or maybe it's merely that i don't really have the mood to blog. Or maybe its just one of those trasitional stages of my life where i find that there is nothing new to update or nothing interesting to write about.

I just got back from Hong Kong a week ago. It was fun on the whole. I mean which free trip isn't fun. But i guess i didn't do as much this time round as i would have liked to. It didn't feel really as fantastic as my last trip back up. Maybe because this time round, both cousins are attached and we only managed to meet up to party once before i left. Or maybe things between TG and myself felt more dull this time round. I bunked over at his hotel for two nights. Before i go into the nitty gritty details, i must say that the Four Seasons Place has a fantastic view. I guess that's why it costs so much just to stay for a night.



Anyway, we did spend some time chatting and catching up. And although sex wasn't as good as it could have been, i guess its partially due to me. I wasn't quite in a mood to do anything. Maybe just cuddling and sleeping would have been perfect. But i realise that we're not a couple, and therefore, the above just doesn't feel right anymore. It was kinda sad. Sometimes i feel, between us, there is just too many words that are unsaid. And yet at times, its the one question too many scenario. And maybe its the internal battle that i feel i am constantly fighting.. That i feel all weird.

Being with him is special. And yet, i guess that gap between us is just too wide. Its like trying to put a jew and Hitler together. I guess that's the best analogy i can come up with. And its sad. Things just aren't working out as they should be.

There are some promises that one makes to oneself. And it takes a lot to keep to them. And try as i might, i cannot seem to do it. I guess someone would tell me, coz u are only trying and u are not making it a must.

Today, i tot of something, just what is the value of friendship? Can 2 friends sleep with each other, walk away and still be friends? Many a times, i think of my relationship with the people around me and i get reminded of Carrie in Sex in the City. Like Carrie, i seem to be perpetually poor and although i seem to be outspoken and intelligent on the outside with great views, and people want to hang out with me, my relationship with friends and men aren't all that great.

Thinking about TG and myself, i get reminded of Carrie and Mr Big. There is so many similarities, and yet at the same time, i guess it's not the same. Do friends really stay angry with each other? And do they really get upset over petty issues? Sometimes, i find that it is hard to understand a person. Just what does a person want? If it was a normal friend, i'll say fuck it and move on. But when it is someone that i treasure a lot, how then can u say fuck it? And exactly how long is the cooling off period where you do not talk to each other? And how long before you can call and pretend nothing happened? And how long before the other party caves and gives in and you are friends all over again. Sometimes, i miss being young again. Where friendship was as simple as just sharing a drink or hanging out together after school. Did we really stay angry with our friends for long back then?

As i ponder about the value of a particular friendship, i turn my thoughts to just how far does a friend go to ensure that the friendship is smooth sailing? And at the same time, is someone who chooses to ignore me, actually worth my friendship and all that trouble? Am i merely a fair weathered friend, or is my friend the one who is fair weathered? So many questions, so many sides to a once so simple ideal. Have i finally lost it?