Monday, February 28, 2005

Everything happens for a reason

Do you believe things happen for a reason? And sometimes the things that you feel so sad about are actually blessings in disguise. I've finally opened myself up to new friends and even old friends. I am still apprehensive about men. I guess after COW, i really just want to keep my distance from them. Just a quick update on all that has happened recently.
I went partying with Superman on Thursday night. However, on Friday, woke up feeling worse then ever, so went to the clinic to see a doctor. Was a good thing too. With the free time, i actually met up with friends and went to catch the show Closer starring julia roberts, judd law and natalie portman. A great show with fantastic meaning. Why do i feel that way? It's like how over the years, i can never get myself out of the reach of Guardian. As long as he calls, i feel a need to be there for him. I am not a Slut, or a prostitute, but i really do care for him and would just want him to be happy. IF bedding me makes him happy, then i was all prepared to do so. But i guess i've finally grown up. Now when he calls, i tell him that we can chat and meet up for coffee. But that's all. I have stopped being able to satisfy the sexual aspect of what he needs.
Anyway, Friday turned out to be a really interesting day. I first woke up to have brunch with Superman. As usual, he really is such a sweet brother. I mean, he knows that i've really been feeling down in the dumps with all my mixed up feelings. My lack of closure, so he comes over to meet me. THen i met the gals for coffee plus movie before heading to meet Monster at paradiz to play pool. Although i only only had one game, i got to know 3 new people. And it makes me feel slightly better as i have finally gotten out of the house and stopped brooding. Went down to Balaclava and finally Velvet. There are so many friends that i have not been in contact with for ages. I met there around and i really feel glad.
Saturday turned out to be a short day with me waking up just in time to head down to swimming before heading down to a friend's place for potluck dinner. It was real sweet and what Susan said last night made sense. If i were still with COW, i would not have been at her place having dinner. Maybe the timing is just not right. Had a great time with the rest of the girls having dinner and coffee. After which met the couple for coffee at punggol where we took pictures. Can you imagine 3 clowns snapping away at 3am in the morning? It was so hilarious.
Today, well went for an audition today. I felt that i did alright. But that's what i always feel. I'll keep you updated. Then went for coaching before heading home to spend some time at home with family. YOu see, i have keeping myself busy for so long ever since COW has left, and it feels good to be able to spend some quality time with them.
It's late at night finally, think its really time to sleep. I've read Monster's blog after meeting him on Friday. And i've heard the people that have called me back to church. Is that your voice calling Father? I know i'm always silly in asking you this.. but can you show me a sign? A sign to that question that i have long asked. As i end this long blog, i would like to pray to GOD.
Dear Heavenly Father,
It's been years since i last spoke to you. You and i both know why. I really know that it's none of your fault. But at that time i really felt angry with you. Angry that he accepted you, and yet you made me go through all that hurt and pain. I really hated you then you know. Its funny how i've never hated anyone before as i think hate is such a strong word. But i was so angry with you LORD. You knew then wat i really wanted from Guardian. I prayed day and night without fail. You knew how much i was willing to sacrifice for him. But you choose to take him away. Now, i finally see why. Because he had become more important then you were in my life. But does that also mean and make you a selfish GOD. That you only wanted me to have love for you and that everything else or everyone else is secondary?
But now i have finally come to terms with it. But, i feel sad. I feel so ashamed that i shut you out all these years believing that i could be on my own. THat i didn't need you around in my life. THat i could take anything life throws at me with all the courage that i used to have. But, GOD, i have been so wrong. i feel so small and so unsure. Friends comment how i look happier and livelier now. But remember my favourite poem, please hear what i am not saying? i feel like a child trapped in an adult body, having to be responsible for my actions and yet, people can choose not to be responsible to me. I want to come back to you LORD. I would like to go back to church. i would like to go back to New Creation church. Why? Because there was where Guardian accepted you. And i would like to fulfill my words to you that day. I told you should he accept your LORD, i would serve in this church. Once again, i know i am doubting you. But, show me a sign lord. None of my close friends know about my blog, because its really personal. Except cow maybe. But it would be nice if you gave me the reassuarance that you gave me when i was 16 and questioning your existance. YOu sent Alisa over to pray for me. A girl that i had little good feelings about and felt mutual about me. But She put her feelings aside and came as your tool to talk to me. Send me someone again LORD. Lastly, i want to tell you how sorry i am for hating and being angry with you all this while. I know now it's not really your fault. Like it's not your fault that COW has cheated me. But i felt cheated then LORD. As you took away something so important to me. BUt now, i think i am healed. I am no longer angry. I believe that you have your reasons. And by taking Guardian away, i felt less pain this time when COW disappeared. LORD, give me strength to carry on and have faith that all good things will come out of everything. LORD, watch over COW as well, as i believe that he is having problems. We might never meet each other at the crossroads again, but should i ever see him on the streets, fill my heart not with resentment but with blessings for him. THank you LORD.. in JESUS sweet Name.... AMEN

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Lalalalalla

Ha... last day of Chinese New Year. Yuan Xiao... Had dinner with parents being the good girl i was. But then agian, its only coz its daddy's birthday just round the corner. Had a good talk with my brother finally. It's been days since i've last saw him. Now that he's seeing this cute chick, i guess we'll going to be talking less again. Sighz.. what a time, especially when i really need company around me now. But what to do, i should be happy for him. After all, it's high time he found a nice sweet girl to hang out with. Hee aren't i just so sweet.
right... Had a pleasant dinner. Funny how it's the guys that i'm not interested in that are the sweetest to me. Oh well, will just sit back and enjoy the attention for the time being. But, guess my heart is still with someone else. I know it's kinda sad, but, what to do, time to move on. Oki oki, got to go off now to nap. Really tired. Anyway, i miss Superman... n cow...

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

YIPPIE

Ha.. It's been a relatively good day today. Spent the night last night in office coz didn't finish work till about 5. By then, i was just way too tired to ride my beautiful bike back home. And what's more with a pending 10am meeting, it was just too tiring. Anyway, the day went about without much event.
BUT before you log off, i got myself a new mobile phone today. SO happy about it. After all, i've been waiting for COW to buy it for me since last november. But i guess he was all ready to leave so never really bought it for me. Just pacified me that he was going to buy it. Anyway, i've finally bought the phone albeit it being 4 months late. But its still a baby to me. THinking of getting the bluetooth set as well. A new number, a new phone, doesn't that set the stage for a new beginning? Tata for now. Got to run home for a nap before another long day at work.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Kill Me

Sigh.. back at office again, so much to do, so little time. Ha.. my blog seems to be a repetition everyday, but then again, i really have been so busy with work and stuff. You see, i feel so tired. Plus the fact that the weather has been killing this past few days, swimming has been HOT.
Nothing much to add to my already boring day, no one new in my life, still waiting kinda for the cow to let me know just what the heck is going on, they say curiosity kills, yep. I agree, its eating my insides alive. ARGHHHHHHHHH
Oh well, shit happens life goes on, work still must do, money still must earn, and now, school still must go. Well, more to come when i become less busy. Tata.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Just another boring day

Its amazing how many things needs to be done in a day. I've finally come up with my excercise schedule for 2005. Know its kind of late, but better late then never. It will officially start on the 21st of Feburary. Have decided i will start with something simple and light and let's see if weight loss will be possible. Using all the motivational strategies that i have learnt, i believe that i can and i will be committed to it. That will be the first step to getting the better Silly Monkey.
Alright, too much work now with little time left, so i shall get back to work.. nothing much to report except i got real pissed drunk two nights back and then went to do something stupid like called and sms the cow. He didn't pick up of course, but what's new. Like i said, i must be content with not having a good conclusion to this episode in my life. Somehow, i must find my own conclusion and put an end to this chapter so i can start a new volume.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Under Pressure

Its been a long day at work. Work has been piling up. And it sure is difficult getting adults to come together to get a decision worked out. In fact, most of today was spent just clearing emails. My goodness, if only i had 48 hours a day. But how is that possible? Time management did i hear someone say? YEs, i admit my time management is terrible. But i do my best to get as much done in the shortest time possible.
Anyway, got super irritated with work today. Supposed to have a meeting, informed close to 200 people, but make a guess how many people turned up at the meeting? 3.. yup, you heard it right. 3 miserable people turned up for the meeting. And what got me even more frustrated was that the President didn't even bother to turn up and when we called him with regards to this, all he could say was that he expected this. How irresponsible can a person be? With this kind of leadership, how can you expect the following to be good? I really don't know.
It amazed me that instead of thinking of a possible solution for this problem of lack of attendance, he instead pushed the responsibilty to someone else. It got me so irritated although he did not push the blame to me. But, aw.. come on, how can someone have that kind of thinking? I really don't know how to handle this person. Maybe i should go for people management training as well..
Alright enough of my ramblings, going to go get as much work done as possible before i head back home..

Thursday, February 17, 2005

A New Beginning

It has finally dawn on me 2 days after Valentine's day that it is finally over. For a while, i was hopeful, then came despair, and now, maybe a tinge of relief but a lot of hurt. You see, i could have or rather should have walked away after the first episode... But i chose not to. In fact, i chose to hang on believing that true love did exist. Guess i was wrong all along.
But at least a lesson learnt in the whole episode, that its really true that people around you can see better then you yourself. You see, so many times i had people telling me to forget it and move on, yet i hung on, believing in not only the power of love but the better of mankind. Life can only throw you that many life buoys, but its ultimately up to you to pick one up and swim to shore.
It has been a hard period for me as i am usually so emotional. But this time, my world didn';t stop and i can only thank GOD for that. You see, the last time i broke up, life stopped for me. It was the only thing in life i cannot handle. A failed relationship. But this time round, with the changing of circumstances, i must stay strong. If i don't, i hurt not only myself but the people who care about me and who need me to stay strong. And funnily, its shone through. A trait in me that i thought was gone forever. A spirit that grows only stronger when i know people around me need me to be strong.
Well, i called this the new beginning, so i shall not ramble on. Instead i should try to focus on what changes i want to see in my life. But that doesn't mean i haven't given myself time to grief. In fact, i have not written in the past few days 'coz i was griefing. But now, a brand new life awaits me. I will no longer jump into a relationship so hastily, especially if warning bells are ringing even before i step into it. However, i will learn to get to know people first. You see, Cow changed drastically. Into someone and something that i cannot relate to anymore. But i'll learn. Life's other lessons to me. Superman says i'm silly and that i took this long to come to terms with myself. But, better late then never i guess. Still feeling a little melancholic, but with time that will pass.
One step at a time, life goes on. Slow and steady, and one day i'll get to the dream in view. Here's one of my favourite quotes to end this sadness and bring on a new beginning.

And in your dreams though impossible things may seem someday, somehow you'll get through to the goal you have in view. Mountains fall and seas divide before the one who in his stride takes a hard road day by day, sweeping obstacles away, Believe in yourself and in your plan, say not- I cannot- but i CAN. The prizes of life we fail to win, because we doubt the power within.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

My Heart Aches

The night is drawing to a close and i have heard from Cow, finally. He has smsed me to tell me that all is fine with him. In fact, itis his exams tonight. Maybe i really should excuse him for acting the way he has been coz he might have been studying real hard. But somehow, i find it hard to convince myself. Cow has told me that he is unable to meet up with me even after his exams. This is due to the fact that he has lots of work to do in camp. By now, most of you would be shaking your head and wondering what kind of fool i am. Well, my answer is that i am a lovelorn fool.
You see, for the longest time, i was willing to accept his excuses as i wanted to believe that Cow still loved me dearly and as his gf, i should be patient with him. But after today, i now know that it is not true. Don't label me for a shallow fool just this minute yet. Hear me out.
Today would be my 7th month anniversary with Cow. It so happens that Valentine's Day falls on the same day. I've been looking forward to this day for some time. In fact, i made an effort to go scout for something for my cow, so that i could cheer him up after all, he's been upset for so long. I bought the beautiful gift thinking i could do no wrong. Its sitting in the dustbin right now, and if you find it, lucky you.
I feel sad that he has choosen to give me such unacceptable answers on what is commonly known as friendship day or love day. Such lack of love or friendship has seems to dull the day dramatically. But who could i share what i am feeling with except you my blog? Cow gave me hope when i had none. Made me laugh when friends around me say they no longer see my laughs. Made me cry when i knew that i just wanted to be with him and when he was in pain. But it is also the truth in life that the greater your expectations or happiness, the worse the pain and the heartache. And here i am experiencing my pain.
Cow has sms me over and over again that he loves me. But nothing in his action has shown me that that is how he feels. His actions simply does not tally with his words. How can a person claim to love you and yet hurt you time and again? How can a person also not heed your call when you are calling out for help. Even a distant stranger would have been moved to do something. But not you Cow. You have choosen to walk away or ignore the fact that i need you. The saddest thing is that i knew it was over way before today. But because i really felt love for you, i did not bring myself to end this one sided love. But tonight you woke me up. As usual, you have choosen to play your silly disappearing games on me. Games that i do not understand and games that i really have no desire to play.
You have choosen to keep quiet and slowly torture me with your silence. Suddenly your phone is never with you and you fail to answer all my calls. Sms? Do they exist? Do you even read them before canning them? I sit here tonight thinking about what i might have done wrong. And i weep. So many things i have done wrong. Its no wonder you are walking away. You are not totally at fault. Who is to blame when love comes a knocking. I choose the path and i bear the consequences. You see, from day one when angels told me to be wary of you, i chose instead to listen to you. When angels lighted up my eyes, i chose to shut them close. And when angels let me hear, i turned a deaf ear. You see, each time something happened, i gave you yet another chance choosing to believe that we were to entities destined to become one.
When i was much younger, i really needed answers. Now, there is no need for them anymore. Because i have finally understood that not everything has answers. I'll never find out the answer of why you are the way you are right now. Why i seem to be the one with the scars and why you shun me. After tonight, the clock goes on ticking and the sun continues to rise and set. But one thing that i miss will always be the thought of a possibility between us. You see, at the end of the day, the joke's really on me. I really did fall in love...

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day today. And no news from Cow just yet. I've tried calling him and smsing him. However, he has choosen not to reply or return my calls. I'm disappointed. I feel sad. But who is here to share my pain and hurt with me. You see, this is what all my friends have warned me about. And it really seems silly to bother them about all this issues. *sighz...
Well, at least it wun be just a sad Valentine's Day. Met up with diver last night for coffee. He's a real sweet guy. Only problem is that he doesn't seem interested in anyone or anything. Maybe just diving. A no committment guy. Maybe that's why to some extend, we hit it off so well. Anyway, i'm blessed and lucky that there is still Superman. He's got his life and all. But i'm glad he's been such a great big brother to me. If not for Superman's presence, i would have just fallen apart and crumbled. In that sense, he really is my Superman. But as he says, Superman must be shared with the world and not for personal use only. But i want to say a big Thank you to Superman still. He is after all the one person that is so patient with me through all my craziness and of course going out with all his friends. Hee....
Well, Valentine's day turned out to be just another day as with year 2000. History has a habit of repeating itself. I only wished i realised this earlier. Guardian is gone now... and as for cow, i don't think i'll ever find out. Maybe deep inside, i already know the answer, but refuse to believe it. So who is to blame? Choices have consequences. I made the choice, i face the music. I know that for a fact but i still don't feel any happier. It's time to move on and stop brooding about this. Cow, you have up till midnight today to make your decision, if not, i'll make mine and i think its really time to move on.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Blog world

Ha... Slow of me, it seems like i'm always late in finding out stuff that's online. Only discovered this blog thing today. And what better time to start then now?
Thought of keeping an online diary so that i can have an outlet for my feelings. Things haven't been going all too smoothly for me for long. There is so much i wish to share that i don't really think one day would do it. You see, i am after all a rather complicated yet simple person. Maybe i just don't know what i want.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Confused

Another quiet day has passed but no news has come in. Seriously, i don't know what to make of it. Will i ever find true love? Or will i one day wake up to realise that i've grown up and there is no true love and that all this while, i have been in a dream?
My silly cow has told me that he needs time as he is scared and afraid. Of what? I cannot tell you as i too am not privy to this information. You know cow, i too am so confused. You blow hot and cold with me that i no longer know what to do, think and feel. You see, when you first stepped into my life, i was not so sure about you. You were the one that made me see light after so many years when Guardian walked off. You told me that you cared and that you loved me. I was so afraid then to be in love that i took it as a joke. But you.. it was you that made me believe in love once again. You told me that you wanted to care for me and grow with me. You told me that things between you and your ex wife was over, and that you were all ready to start something afresh. I trusted you and that's how we got started.
But time and again you have cheated me and hurt me. Yet each time when you came back, i saw the hurt in your eyes and forgave you. But did i do the right thing? I feel that each time i took you back against my better judgement, i feel even deeper. Then things between us got better. You stopped seeing other women and i started feeling more secure. Like i could really start giving my whole heart to you instead of just half of it. Then all of a sudden the change came. You started disappearing on me and not keeping your appointments with me. The dates got lesser as you started turning off your phone for days before returning my calls or even smses. You got me worried sick. And each time i asked you why, you just told me that you were troubled and that you still loved me.
I am in such a dilemma now that i cannot explain to you. If you love me like you said you did, why did you choose to shut me out? Why are you not sharing your problems with me? I told you once that when you choose to keep your problems to yourself, it scares me and it just makes me want to keep my personal life from you. A relationship shouldn't be like that. I really don't know what has happened to you the past few days. You've choosen this New Year to disappear on me and once again, i am left hanging not knowing what to do.
Cow, do you really love me or am is this just your coward way of telling me that it's over? I really don't know. All i know is that somehow i feel something for you and that if you are in trouble, i would want to be there for you. Yet, it seems hard when the only thing i can do is actually just sit around and wait till you either find the courage to tell me that its over or for me to wake up and find strength to walk away.
Whatever the conclusion, why play with me? What do you plan to gain out of all this?