The night is drawing to a close and i have heard from Cow, finally. He has smsed me to tell me that all is fine with him. In fact, itis his exams tonight. Maybe i really should excuse him for acting the way he has been coz he might have been studying real hard. But somehow, i find it hard to convince myself. Cow has told me that he is unable to meet up with me even after his exams. This is due to the fact that he has lots of work to do in camp. By now, most of you would be shaking your head and wondering what kind of fool i am. Well, my answer is that i am a lovelorn fool.
You see, for the longest time, i was willing to accept his excuses as i wanted to believe that Cow still loved me dearly and as his gf, i should be patient with him. But after today, i now know that it is not true. Don't label me for a shallow fool just this minute yet. Hear me out.
Today would be my 7th month anniversary with Cow. It so happens that Valentine's Day falls on the same day. I've been looking forward to this day for some time. In fact, i made an effort to go scout for something for my cow, so that i could cheer him up after all, he's been upset for so long. I bought the beautiful gift thinking i could do no wrong. Its sitting in the dustbin right now, and if you find it, lucky you.
I feel sad that he has choosen to give me such unacceptable answers on what is commonly known as friendship day or love day. Such lack of love or friendship has seems to dull the day dramatically. But who could i share what i am feeling with except you my blog? Cow gave me hope when i had none. Made me laugh when friends around me say they no longer see my laughs. Made me cry when i knew that i just wanted to be with him and when he was in pain. But it is also the truth in life that the greater your expectations or happiness, the worse the pain and the heartache. And here i am experiencing my pain.
Cow has sms me over and over again that he loves me. But nothing in his action has shown me that that is how he feels. His actions simply does not tally with his words. How can a person claim to love you and yet hurt you time and again? How can a person also not heed your call when you are calling out for help. Even a distant stranger would have been moved to do something. But not you Cow. You have choosen to walk away or ignore the fact that i need you. The saddest thing is that i knew it was over way before today. But because i really felt love for you, i did not bring myself to end this one sided love. But tonight you woke me up. As usual, you have choosen to play your silly disappearing games on me. Games that i do not understand and games that i really have no desire to play.
You have choosen to keep quiet and slowly torture me with your silence. Suddenly your phone is never with you and you fail to answer all my calls. Sms? Do they exist? Do you even read them before canning them? I sit here tonight thinking about what i might have done wrong. And i weep. So many things i have done wrong. Its no wonder you are walking away. You are not totally at fault. Who is to blame when love comes a knocking. I choose the path and i bear the consequences. You see, from day one when angels told me to be wary of you, i chose instead to listen to you. When angels lighted up my eyes, i chose to shut them close. And when angels let me hear, i turned a deaf ear. You see, each time something happened, i gave you yet another chance choosing to believe that we were to entities destined to become one.
When i was much younger, i really needed answers. Now, there is no need for them anymore. Because i have finally understood that not everything has answers. I'll never find out the answer of why you are the way you are right now. Why i seem to be the one with the scars and why you shun me. After tonight, the clock goes on ticking and the sun continues to rise and set. But one thing that i miss will always be the thought of a possibility between us. You see, at the end of the day, the joke's really on me. I really did fall in love...
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