Do you believe things happen for a reason? And sometimes the things that you feel so sad about are actually blessings in disguise. I've finally opened myself up to new friends and even old friends. I am still apprehensive about men. I guess after COW, i really just want to keep my distance from them. Just a quick update on all that has happened recently.
I went partying with Superman on Thursday night. However, on Friday, woke up feeling worse then ever, so went to the clinic to see a doctor. Was a good thing too. With the free time, i actually met up with friends and went to catch the show Closer starring julia roberts, judd law and natalie portman. A great show with fantastic meaning. Why do i feel that way? It's like how over the years, i can never get myself out of the reach of Guardian. As long as he calls, i feel a need to be there for him. I am not a Slut, or a prostitute, but i really do care for him and would just want him to be happy. IF bedding me makes him happy, then i was all prepared to do so. But i guess i've finally grown up. Now when he calls, i tell him that we can chat and meet up for coffee. But that's all. I have stopped being able to satisfy the sexual aspect of what he needs.
Anyway, Friday turned out to be a really interesting day. I first woke up to have brunch with Superman. As usual, he really is such a sweet brother. I mean, he knows that i've really been feeling down in the dumps with all my mixed up feelings. My lack of closure, so he comes over to meet me. THen i met the gals for coffee plus movie before heading to meet Monster at paradiz to play pool. Although i only only had one game, i got to know 3 new people. And it makes me feel slightly better as i have finally gotten out of the house and stopped brooding. Went down to Balaclava and finally Velvet. There are so many friends that i have not been in contact with for ages. I met there around and i really feel glad.
Saturday turned out to be a short day with me waking up just in time to head down to swimming before heading down to a friend's place for potluck dinner. It was real sweet and what Susan said last night made sense. If i were still with COW, i would not have been at her place having dinner. Maybe the timing is just not right. Had a great time with the rest of the girls having dinner and coffee. After which met the couple for coffee at punggol where we took pictures. Can you imagine 3 clowns snapping away at 3am in the morning? It was so hilarious.
Today, well went for an audition today. I felt that i did alright. But that's what i always feel. I'll keep you updated. Then went for coaching before heading home to spend some time at home with family. YOu see, i have keeping myself busy for so long ever since COW has left, and it feels good to be able to spend some quality time with them.
It's late at night finally, think its really time to sleep. I've read Monster's blog after meeting him on Friday. And i've heard the people that have called me back to church. Is that your voice calling Father? I know i'm always silly in asking you this.. but can you show me a sign? A sign to that question that i have long asked. As i end this long blog, i would like to pray to GOD.
Dear Heavenly Father,
It's been years since i last spoke to you. You and i both know why. I really know that it's none of your fault. But at that time i really felt angry with you. Angry that he accepted you, and yet you made me go through all that hurt and pain. I really hated you then you know. Its funny how i've never hated anyone before as i think hate is such a strong word. But i was so angry with you LORD. You knew then wat i really wanted from Guardian. I prayed day and night without fail. You knew how much i was willing to sacrifice for him. But you choose to take him away. Now, i finally see why. Because he had become more important then you were in my life. But does that also mean and make you a selfish GOD. That you only wanted me to have love for you and that everything else or everyone else is secondary?
But now i have finally come to terms with it. But, i feel sad. I feel so ashamed that i shut you out all these years believing that i could be on my own. THat i didn't need you around in my life. THat i could take anything life throws at me with all the courage that i used to have. But, GOD, i have been so wrong. i feel so small and so unsure. Friends comment how i look happier and livelier now. But remember my favourite poem, please hear what i am not saying? i feel like a child trapped in an adult body, having to be responsible for my actions and yet, people can choose not to be responsible to me. I want to come back to you LORD. I would like to go back to church. i would like to go back to New Creation church. Why? Because there was where Guardian accepted you. And i would like to fulfill my words to you that day. I told you should he accept your LORD, i would serve in this church. Once again, i know i am doubting you. But, show me a sign lord. None of my close friends know about my blog, because its really personal. Except cow maybe. But it would be nice if you gave me the reassuarance that you gave me when i was 16 and questioning your existance. YOu sent Alisa over to pray for me. A girl that i had little good feelings about and felt mutual about me. But She put her feelings aside and came as your tool to talk to me. Send me someone again LORD. Lastly, i want to tell you how sorry i am for hating and being angry with you all this while. I know now it's not really your fault. Like it's not your fault that COW has cheated me. But i felt cheated then LORD. As you took away something so important to me. BUt now, i think i am healed. I am no longer angry. I believe that you have your reasons. And by taking Guardian away, i felt less pain this time when COW disappeared. LORD, give me strength to carry on and have faith that all good things will come out of everything. LORD, watch over COW as well, as i believe that he is having problems. We might never meet each other at the crossroads again, but should i ever see him on the streets, fill my heart not with resentment but with blessings for him. THank you LORD.. in JESUS sweet Name.... AMEN
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