Monday, September 27, 2010

Sept 27 2010

I am really blogging 'coz i need an outlet and i don't know where to turn to, who to turn to. Its just the same old problems repeating itself over and over again that even i am ashamed to bring it up and share how i feel with my friends.....
He's has the most spectacular weekend. Best showing ever i must say. And i feel like i'm the last person to congratulate him, the last person to even get to say 'well done!' And when i mentioned i wanted to celebrate for him, all i got was monosyllabic answers claiming he was busy. Maybe Uncle Tim was right. He has made his choice and it is obvious. And i choose not to look myself in the eye in the mirror and accept the hard truth. But truth is, i really still care loads about him. But when does it all end?
I remembered at that point i said i would like to see him successful and settled down. But honestly, it never ends does it? Because i constantly find new reasons, new excuses....
From a friend's perspective, shouldn't i just be happy he's doing so well and things are looking up for him? So why do i feel happy and excited for him and at the same time, hope to see him and meet up with him? Is it 'coz i'm actually looking to share his joy with him? If he is happy and doing well, and i don't get to share his joy with him, does it make me less happy? I know it's no difference to him based on his reaction today. I think the hard truth is he doesn't care.... And that hurts... big time.
I really wish i had the strength to walk away from it all. To be cool, collected, to tell him it's alright. To be the bigger person and give him his life back.
I think back to the days and times where i mattered to him. That he would shower me with care, love. That he was excited and shared his life/joy with me. That he would give me little surprises and that when i was down, he would be there to cheer me up. It's all gone and over now.. and still i dun wanna wake up. What is wrong with me? Am i a sucker for pain? Gosh... i am so tired and feel like an idiot.........