Friday, August 25, 2006

Work on the small issues first

This one line was shared to me by a close friend. For a couple of days, or rather for some weeks now, i've been bothered and frustrated with an issue. The issue hasn't changed all that much. Since i started blogging, there has been someone special in my life. Someone that i really care about and i feel is real special. And yet, in the 20mths that i've liked this man, i feel like our relationship hasn't progressed. And what is the problem here? Is it me or is it that this guy is merely not interested and not keen in me?
I guess over the past few weeks, i've been hearing words like calibration... expectation.. and finally out of sheer frustration, i felt like i needed to write him a letter to tell him just how i was feel about the whole issue. I was about to start and when i told myself, when i finished writing the letter, it would signify the beginning of the end. And yet, there was a lot of uncomfort.I could not do what i set out to do. THe days went by and i never completed the letter. I had the dear.... and that was it. Maybe i was at a lost of what to write also. And then, i could not bring myself to do something so drastic.
There is a simple reason why this is so. I was not ready to let go. I could not end things between us should i not get my answers. Two school of thoughs here. I've spent so much time on this. If i gave up now, i could either be wasting time or not. And i was unsure. So, being frustrated and unsure, i had to voice it out to a friend just what i wanted to do. So in the end, my friend told me the topic header. Work on the small issues that are within your control and did not need you to involve your emotions first.
And this week, i start searching for solutions that will allow me to do just so.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

That street

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost....
I am hopeless. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend i don't see it.
I fall in again. I can't believe i'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in; it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where i am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Interesting weekend

I met a swinger couple over the weekend. And you can just use your imagination as to what happened. It was an experience really, but i know for sure that its not what interests me. Anyway, i've been doing lots of thinking this whole weekend. I met TG partying on friday night and the night was unique as it always is with him. Maybe in my own simple ways, i feel differently about TG already. And the realization came after the day out with Guardian.
Its funny how i know that its also over between Guardian and myself. And all that lay between us is 10yrs of familiarity and habit. And that out of habit and to seek comfort, i would find myself once again in a compromising situation with him. But yet, as we held hands and said goodbye, i could not help but feel a little emotion still trapped at the bottom of my heart. And i could not help but wonder, whether there would be even a remote chance that we would both fall in love once again?
Anyway, i've decided to stop playing with fire for a while. That day, Guardian asked me a question. Whose fire is bigger. And although based all the facts presented, his is the bigger fire, i know when it comes to matters of the heart, my flame will always burn stronger then most people. And i'm not willing to take the risk. And until i can once again say to him that its just an act with no emotions involved, i'm not jumping with my two feet in. As for Mr Big, lets just say, i think i deserve better then that. Haa