Friday, September 30, 2005

The debating team

Well, i guess with the whole sequence of events, i cannot or rather i refuse to even share how i feel. Or merely coz i really dun know how i feel. I know it was a sad day. It was meant to be with all the things that had happened. I know i felt upset. And yet i know, it went away as swiftly as it came.
It took me a long time to believe again. And now, i guess i don't anymore. Whats the point of walking out of thinking that it was a position sealed when i walked away less then a week later with nothing. No expectations, no disappointments.
Why tell me that i'm the best for the job and take it all away?
And why never share with me how u feel about the direction i was taking when you could have said something and i would have stopped and changed?
Or even walk in the direction that i was supposed to go?
Whats this about the company expanding too fast to not allow me more time for trial and error?
Why is it when you felt that i was not suited for the job, never voice it out at all to me?
What made you think that if you didn't say anything i would know that i was going in the wrong direction and that i would figure it out on my own?
Why do you have coaches in your programs?
Isn't that what a coach or mentor does?
To constantly guide or steer you in the correct direction?
Why did you choose to keep mum everytime i asked if it was alright and oki?
So many whys, so little answers.

Coz you came highly recommended and i thought you would figure it out in due time. So why didn't you even give me a chance of getting it right? Had you opened your mouth, i might have gone in that direction you wanted or were looking towards instead of figuring it out on my own.

If i can't even get a simple job done, how then can i do greater things in life?
If i am not meant for the job, why let me through all the stages of the auditions?
Do i come back and coach and would your perspective of me ever change?
Do i have a point to prove and will i be able to prove it?
After i've proven it then what next?
Will i ever find another job that pays me the same or even more and allow me to grow and yet have someone to mentor me while i am at it?
Was i ever any good to start off with?

Too many questions. Mind's exploding. If i didn't take the step to being a trainer, i would not have been disappointed. I should have kept things at status quo. Another reason to keep things as it is. Why was i greedy? And is this the price i have to pay?

I worry coz i know it took a damn long time to start believing. I don't believe anymore. And i don't want to share what i feel with people again. Coz i know damn sure it hurts. Or it is meant to hurt. You ask me how i feel, I tell you i feel nothing. Maybe a tinge of disappointment. Not with the people involved. But with myself.

At this juncture, i guess all bets are off. There goes my holiday to Hong Kong. There goes disneyland. I cannot share how i feel, coz i don't know how to feel. Or maybe coz i choose this way. Do i deserve to be happy?

Wake me up please

I felt like i stepped into a nightmare today and there was no way out of it although i desperately wanted to get out. Decided in the morning that i would return to work although i was on MC. I work at a place where even if i didn't return to work, the work would still be there when i returned from MC. And so, i decided to go straight back to work after being on MC for 3 days and still had 2 days left. It wasn't all too bad early in the morning i guess. Somehow, things just turned for the worse.
Adam called and said that he was upset about the sales letter i sent out with regards to the learning event on the 11. I guess partially the fault lies with me as i did not re write it out and merely sent it out. Upon reflection, i guess i should have been more proactive and read it and changed it. Anyway, to elaborate further would be to try to justify my mistake. And thus, i guess i would not add that that was the usual way of doing things. Usually the VP of learning events would send me the sales copy that the speaker has given her and send it to me to send it out. Now on top of that, he wasn't too happy with the way Whoosh has not been able to get a new committee up till now. With that in mind, he put down the phone telling me he wants me to get on with it. I did remember telling him that i would call the speaker out and write a new sales letter and send it out once again. Apparently that didn't appease him.
I guess it seems weird now in retrospect. Anyway, the sequence of events were such that Patrick came up to my table and told me that he would need to talk to Adam before getting back to me about coaching and work at the same time. And he said he was glad for me that i made it through all 3 rounds of auditions. I guess it was not even half an hour later when he came back and said he wanted to speak to me in his room.
He said, well, i have bad news from you. But trust me, for the life of me, i didn't expect what he said to come out from his mouth. He said he didn't feel that the clubs job was suited for me. And i guess with what he said about Miss Tham telling him about the things she did, i was more upset then anything else. The conclusion, to either fire me on the spot or to tender my resignation dated today and clear my leave and off and finish off the number of working days. I didn't put up a fight. I guess i didn't quite understand.
I did the thing that i thought was right at that moment and that was to tell Patrick that i would finish up whatever outstanding thing i had before clearing my leave and off. And i guess it really is not my style to leave things hanging. And when i first came into the company, Miss Tham left me high and dry. And for the sake of me, that was not how i wanted the next person that was supposed to come in to feel. How did i feel then, i guess i felt kinda bad. But, you know me, i wouldn't show it. I walked out like nothing had transpired.
Patrick called me later in the evening and shared with me that he had spoken to Adam about things and that Adam was cool about me coaching. After all, i might be more cut out to be a coach rather then be an office stuff. Aparently i was hopeless at marketing. Oh well.. What can i say. And that he and Adam both felt that i was not really cut out for the job since July. And i guess it was a series of incidents, the sales letter, Miss Tham that erupted a volcano that was dormant for some time.
I wish it could have ended there, but the toy that someone special bought for me broke as well. Is that an omen of worse things to come?
And the icing on the cake? I suddenly developed a particular kind of rash that i had never had in my whole darn life. It spread like wildfire and i thought i was going to scratch myself to death. That didn't happen of course and that is why i can type my blog... ha

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Cinderella/Snow White Theory


Well, i guess i first heard of this theory on Sex in the City. If i am not wrong, Carrie Bradshaw was the one who brought it up. Is there merely a Cinderella/Snow White in all of us? That no matter how or who a woman is, there is a cinderella and snow white in each and everyone of us. At the same time, i guess i would also profess to be a love fool. There is a part of me that has never grown up.. Past being the little princess. I think i still want to be loved and cherished. Somehow, i'm still searching for that prince to sweep me off my feet and give me that kiss of life. Haa.. So silly

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who stands by my side
And give me support
And in return she'll get my support
She will listen to me
When i want to speak
About the world we live in and
Life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagree
At the end of it all, she will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and every breathe
Someone who helps me see things
In a different light
All the things i detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when i'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me kiss me tenderly
Though things like this make me sick
But in a case like this, i'll get away with it

(Depeche Mode)

Heard this song, and thought it was super meaningful. I guess at the end of the day, everyone just wants to have that somebody to be there for them. Be it whether it is for companionship or be it out of love, lust or whatever else you can think of.
I think this song describes exactly what i want in a man. I guess i just want somebody. Maybe that's why i am constantly in dilemma.

Anyway, in my own special way, i want to be the somebody for my somebody. Does it make sense?

Thursday, September 22, 2005

My place in this world

Yesterday i said i wanted to walk out of the interview knowing that i was offered the job. Funny how with such a conclusion or objective in mind, i can still feel lost. Aced the interview. I think that before i even went in for the interview, they were already gg to give me the position. I guess thats the power of presence, charisma and personality for you. Oh well, i know that boss thinks i'm rather talented. Now i just need to get my act together coz i can get kinda wishy washy sometimes.
Anyway, a new problem has arisen. I've tot about it long and hard even before the interviews. Now, that it is right smack in front of my face, with another boss to confront shortly, i guess i'm also a little unsure. I'm unsure as to whether i should stay in this job, or merely move on. Or coach full time, and do this job part time. So confusing!
Today, i've thought of a new topic to gripe about. Or rather to confuse my already confused brain about. It's called my place in this world. Think there is a song related to it.
What is one person's stand in life. And where do they stand in life. Is destiny created or fulfilled? Asking myself that now. Will come back with an answer later.

Love or Lust

WHEN DO WE KNOW IT IS LOVE OR LUST?
Love or Lust
Which one is it?
Which brings euphoria, which brings tears?
Which brings joy, which brings pain?
Which is real, which is make-believed?
Which is true, which is false?

So many questions, so many doubts,no wonder love is a complicated thing.Love begins with a physical attraction, there is no doubt about it. From the time we set eyes on the person, something tells us there must be something wonderful about this person worth pursuing.
Is this lust or love?
Will there come a time when lust transcend to love?
How do we know that?

There are so many categories of love:
TRUE LOVE
CONDITIONAL LOVE
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
ONE SIDED LOVE
PUPPY LOVE
CRUSHES
PHYSCIAL LOVE
FOOLISH LOVE

How do we know which group we fall under? Must lust and love co-exist? Can love exist without any physical attraction?

I took this off a friend's blog. It is really an interesting topic. Now, it boils back to how many sides are there to a coin. You say there are 2 sides to a coin. I can think of 4 sides. But what is the correct answer, or rather, how do you know which is the correct answer. And in a world of ours, must everything co exist with one another or is life merely a paradox of which you cannot get out.
I thought about this last night as i was riding home. Is there perfection in this world? Think about this, if i am perfect in an imperfect world, i cannot claim to be perfect any longer. THat is coz i will already look imperfect in the eyes of those in the world. Now if i am imperfect in a perfect world, i simply remain imperfect. But can there really be a distinct line saying perfect and imperfect? Then how will a person improve once he/she has reached perfection. Thus, is it true to conclude that perfection is just a view that one has? That we can constantly strive towards our perception of perfection, taking one step at a time? And also, in the event, we reach near perfection, we push perfection even further by coming up with a new perception of perfection. Interesting eh?
So does it consequently mean that i will never find contentment in life coz i think i can only be contented when i am perfect? Well, i guess the key is to enjoy the process and churn out the learning experiences that are involved and constantly move towards there?
This relates back to a problem that i'm facing with. I asked the question of love and lust, and also what would my perfect man and relationship be. I think i cannot find an answer becoz there is just no perfect man/relationship. There are flaws in a relationship, from the way you choose to react plus it is a give coz 2 human beings are living together. At the same time, if there is no perfection in a relationship, why then do i constantly deem that as the goal? I wanted a way to solve my conflict between the heart and mind. And my answer lies in the fact that the mind has some preconceived notions about what a relationship and man should be. So ultimately, the onus is up to me to change my thinking or rather to modify my thinking such that i can find my answer. Or i could modify my emotons. Which ever the case, it doesn't mean that i'm giving up on my goal. To me, it means to be flexible. THere is only so much i can pre plan for. And for that, i guess i got my answer.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Thinking Cap

I bought a really intelligent cap just now! It convinced me to part with $30 of my hard earned money. Its a green and white cap. Although there are those that tell me its silly to put on a green cap coz in chinese, its like dai4 lui4 mao4. I'm just happy with this thinking cap. Its gotten me out of my grumpy monthly blues and thats all that matters
Although Superman laughed when he saw the picture. Said i have to get rid of this retail therapy habit. But i think i will always be contented with the simple things in life. Let's see what the thinking cap can do in the next few days! Yippie......
You know, i'm happy now! Went with 2 colleagues after a mtg to buy the cap. And they were commenting how easy it was for me to be happy. Well, i guess thats a good thing ain't it? Sorta.. Oh or it could be my good luck cap. Made it to the 3rd round of auditions. Tml is auditions... Will update again.. back to the drawing board. I want to walk out of auditions tml knowing that i got the job!

Men & Sex

What is the inherent corelation between Men and Sex? And what is the inherent corelation between human kind in general and sex? Somehow, i am not sure what it is. However, in the past few days, it has been something that has been at the back of my mind.
There was a point in time where i felt that sex was sacred. That it was only meant for someone that i truly loved and care about. Somewhere along the way, it sort of changed. I guess after the first encounter, all the rest stopped mattering. And for a while, sex became an outlet where i could just cuddle and fall asleep. I guess that was how i viewed it for quite some time. It was like, i guess a part of me just wanted to be with someone coz i was so insecure. But after my last encounter probably 9 mths back, i've not felt that way. Don't ask me why i feel this way.
I guess there is a part of me that feels that it is extremely pointless. I guess that comes from the fact that i'm a lot more secure now. And i guess i've finally learnt to live on my own and do things on my own. And i no longer really need to be with a man to feel that i'm good in my own ways. And then again, there is the lack of expectation when u are not with a guy. And there is no compelling need to make time and give in to someone all the time. Now, there's also the other part that is like there is no reason to go through the motions just to enjoy a night of cuddling and spooning. Complicated as it is, it's really quite simple i guess.
Someone asked me over the phone the other day when was the last time i slept with someone. And my answer was 9 mths back. Whoa! She said she thought that was pretty impressive considering my past track record. And i guess i shared with her that after the initial month of wanting to be hugged and cuddled, i;ve kinda lost it. Especially since everyone in office is perpetually hugging each other all day long. Guess its the culture here. And its good. Coz i feel like i'm back in school all over again.
Recently, i've taken to hugging this guy friend of mine. Well, i guess he's a really nice person to hug. Don't ask me why. Maybe its the air about him, or maybe its a personality thing...But somehow, the world seems brighter after i've hugged him. And i guess coz he's really reassuring. And he can sense when i just need a hug, or when i need to talk. Guess that's why he's called Papa Bear.
Anyway, back to my topic after the slight digression, well the fact is that i don't think i've really ever enjoyed sex. Its like, i enjoy the before and after process. But i guess that's the whole idea about sex. It's not just the penetration. I don't think i've enjoyed it thus far. I enjoy the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles, and all the other stuff. But not the penetration. Now, i guess its not fair to ask for all of the above without asking for the pentration. Coz i think if i was a guy, i'll be pissed. And so, i guess as with all things in life, there is an opportunity cost to it. And because of this op cost, we just have to sometimes do the things we don't quite enjoy just to get what we enjoy.
Then again, i think at some point of time, i did enjoy sleeping with a guy. And that was only because we were both experimenting and finding out about things. I guess coz we were both open to the concept and spent lots of time horsing and goofing around. I guess it was also coz i shared with him stuff that i was interested in trying and vice versa. And there was never a point of time where i felt inadequate.

But somehow, after him, i don't think i've enjoyed sleeping with another guy. There was COW after that, and he was plain boring. Or maybe i didn't feel very much for him in the first place. Well, not really. I did feel for COW, just i guess somehow, i felt that he only wanted me around for the sex. He didn't see me for who i was. Just an easy lay i guess. Or maybe in the words or Superman, i was plain naive. And considering he was the last guy i slept with, i haven't really thought about sex all that much after that.
Of course there is always still a part of me that wants to go to bed with a man that i like. However, i guess there is a part of me that feels scared. Also, there is a part of me that feels that sex will complicate the issue coz i am emotional by nature. And the things that i take for granted will suddenly seem glaring. So how then do we find the balance between an eternal paradox of love, sex and a relationship. Where is the thin line to stand by, and how would you know when u have crossed that thin line. And is there really no way to salvage a situation once it has been changed?
Frankly speaking, most of the men that i have ever gone to bed with are still friends with me today. Maybe its the way i perceive things in life. Maybe it's my forgiving nature. But then agian, i guess, after all these years, there's never really been someone who has managed to drill deep into my heart. All the men have touched the surface of my life. Or rather, i've never really opened up to any one guy. And i guess that's where the circle starts. I don't open up, then don't walk in, and they never stay. But i know how painful it is when a guy i really care about walks away. Up till today, i still maintain the stand that i want him to be happy. But how often must happiness of another person be at the expense of my personal happiness.
Guess i've gone a little off topic. What i'm putting across is that i sort of feel like i've reached a plateau where i find some things in life just kinda meaningless. Maybe i've grown. Just like i prefer a coffee session to a night out at the clubs. Just like if i have to go somewhere for a drink, i prefer to sit down and listen to a band then to dance the night away. Just like i feel that sex is pointless if its not with someone whose company i enjoy or love. Just like i feel that being with a man is tiring. I just want to be with someone that i can vaguely see a future with. And for all the above reasons, i guess i'm just not so keen to commit my time to any one man.
I'm all for commitment and manogomy. Which woman doesn't want to know that the guy that she is sleeping with or is with is faithful to her. Or rather, i would like to know or think that i'm the only woman in the man's bed. Guess in that way, i'm rather selfish. But it has to come from the guy itself. Would not like to be in a situation where i am worried the guy is cheating on me. If that is the case, then i'll rather we not start anything. Coz whats the point? There is always a breaking point in things. At which point will i think enough is enough and walk away feeling disappointed and upset? Cow was such an example. Well i guess at the end of the day, my feelings are as such. Maybe i'm not so keen to play around anymore. Or maybe i'm getting boring. But whatever is the case, i still haven't drawn a conclusion.

Someone said he thought i was a rather innocent sort that isn't really open about sex. Is he wrong? I don't think so. Maybe it's really just a facade. Just like most things about me. Could it be a farce that after so long, i'm not so sure myself? Or maybe i know the truth, just that i am not willing to admit it..

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Parts integration

Met up with Tour Guide for dinner and coffee today. Interesting.. Finally after a long week of work, i guess all i wanted to do was to sit out and chill. I was really grumpy. Why? Was it coz it was the time of the month? Not really. More likely there was something on my mind and i wanted to bring it up, yet was not sure how to bring it up. Or rather, what was the purpose of bringing it up. Anyway, he was sweet as usual, although i guess he must have been kinda frustrated with me and the way i was acting.
Anyway, once again, like all our dinners and coffees or drinks, we did talk about stuff. He mentioned that there was something he wanted to bring up, but yet, at the same time, was unsure if i would be able to handle the truth. I guess it comes with life's experiences that one is able to read a person well. And for him, he has been spot on about some of the things that he has shared with me.
He did make some really valid comments, and maybe that's one of the reasons why i enjoy chatting with this guy. He said i was kinda childish. And i guess thats pretty true. Not childish per say, as in always acting like a kid. I mean, different times calls for different reactions. Anyhow, i guess i wasn't in a mood to dispute anything. I guess after a week of pacing and reframing and preframing participants, i just really wanted to sit down and not spend the time building rapport and all. Funny thing was that maybe i just wanted to break rapport last night.
Anyway, in my breaking rapport, i was building rappot. I guess there are just many ways to do a certain thing, just like there are many roads to your outcomes. But i must admit that i;m still glad he shared with me and i shared with him. Has it changed my views about him? Well, i guess in a certain way, i'm unsure now. Unsure about what will happen in the future.
I remember saying once that it would not affect me. Then again, what Tour Guide mentioned last night was true. That it would not affect me when the person doesn't mean that much in the first place.
Now to talk about my fears, i guess somehow, i'm worried his fears are true. That they may not be as unfounded as i thought they were initially. What if i really don't know how to handle it at the end of the day. And on top of that, what if it destroys whatever we have right now. And in that case, does it mean, that i should just leave whatever we have right now at status quo? It makes sense. And i guess that's why last night, i did ask him what was the purpose of us going away. Maybe it makes more sense not to go away and give things even a chance to happen.
Somehow, when 2 people are in a friendship, if it is platonic, then its alright. If its not, then one party will always be expecting or rather hoping for something to happen. He said that i was really demanding as it is. Somehow, he is not wrong. So how do i rectify the situation now? Can i just pull away? I guess so. But then again, is that what i want? I guess not. I don't want to move away coz i like him. And yet, i don't want the fact way i am to affect what we have right now. I guess there is never a right answer. Just whether if it works, then good. If it doesn't, then how do i move on, or how do we move on. I guess somehow, he has managed to project his fears on me. And for that, i'm scared as well. I guess i just rather we remain as friends so that our friendship will last a lifetime.
And for all that he has said about himself, i'm not so sure about myself. Not sure if i am able to live up to whatever he has in mind. A song comes up to mind, where do we go from here....

Monday, September 19, 2005

Enriching Experience

POE has finally ended. I guess i've finally found the time to sit down and write about my whole experience. Its been a rather enriching experience. I guess everything happens for a reason. And i did have a group member that was somewhat similar to me. Incidentally, she was a rather perfectionist, and at the same time, some one who perpetually lives in wonderland. I'm not quite sure yet what it was. But i guess she is just someone who is still searching for what she wants in life, thinking that a course will be able to clarify what her identity is so that she will be able to get along with her feelings.
She shared that she knew no emotions and therefore could not get close to people. At the same time, she was someone who was not very sure about what she wanted. Or rather, someone who did not want people to get close to her for fear of being hurt. I know what she is feeling becoz for the longest time ever, i was going through the same thing. I guess its a defence mechanism thing or rather a self denial thing.
Anyway, it was working with her that i realised what i was lacking in for a really long time. Overall, i feel like i've done a pretty good job. For a long time, i have not felt so confident about myself and at the same time, i have felt like i did not have it in me to help a person coz i was so lost myself. However, i now know that life is really a process. A process of learning and living. I don't have to make sure everything is perfect before i start out on it. It is merely a learning process where it could not be perfect yet it can work out in the end. Funny how my thoughts have changed so much after all these years. At least now i know i deserve to be happy. POE has helped me. Not becoz i've experienced it as a participant. But becoz of what i have experienced as a coach. It was truly a rewarding experience.In my own way, i guess my greatest goal was always to help people. To help those who choose to help themselves. For those that are unsure. Will i continue to take time out to coach? I think so. I think till the time i find that i am no longer helping people becoz i'm stuck..
I guess i still have a lot of feelings that i haven't yet processed totally and thus would not write until i have gone through all of it.
However, this experience taught me something. It taught me that when i am not congruent, people will be able to tell. THat is because, you might be able to hide behind your words, but more often then not, you are not able to hide behind your actions and facial expressions. And to be incongruent, i will always feel unsure and unhappy. Until the day i align my identity with my actions, will find happiness. Cheers

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Tired tacky Tuesday

Slept a total of 3 hours in 3 days. I'm extremely shacked out. Am half contemplating what the fuck i am doing, typing my blog when i should be going to bed already. But i guess, i just want to write a little before heading to bed.
Its been terribly tiring the past few days. Maybe it really is a mistake to coach POE this time round. But then again, i've given my word and commitment to people and its not nice to back out.
My lack of sleep affected my performance today. I guess its really just an excuse. But, i guess i was kinda affected by the statement that Boss made. That i'm not seeing you at your fullest potential. I know this is what i want. And i've really been working at it. And yet, there is still conflict. I know i will have to resolve this before i make the next step, if i still have another break at it. Screwed up auditions today. It was super pressuring as i know some of the trainers came in specially just to watch my segment. And general consensus was that it was a really lacklustre performance for someone who has presence and charisma.
Somehow, i feel like i've lost it. Used to be able to call on my personality to carry me through a performance and even a presentation. But today, nothing came out. Maybe i really just need some sleep and tomorrow will be a better and brighter day.
Chow

Monday, September 12, 2005

Sad People

Slightly half a day has been over and i have met 3 people who are sad. Today must then be a sad day. I met the first sad man at 6.45am. I was still in office doing work when my boss walked in. He looked so dejected that my heart went out to him. Apparently in a daze, he had a point to prove. This was a man who was used to the world working for him and therefore, needed to prove a point.
The 2nd person i didn't meet coz i was determined not to meet him. Mixed feelings were aplenty when i talk to him. He says he is really unhappy with his marriage. So why get married in the first place. But when he told me he was ready to walk, all i could feel for him was sadness. Maybe its my view of marriage. But, my heart just went out to him. It wasn't anybody's fault, just that he wasn't ready or he probably never will be.
The 3rd person i met over lunch. His eyes were filled with sadness. He was so depressed. A man that found no meaning in life any longer. As i stared into his eyes, i wondered how could i have ever fallen in love with such a man. A selfish and narrow minded man, who could not care about anything except himself.
3 sad people and the day is not over yet. They have all induced thoughts in my head. Firstly, why can't people find joy in what they have and what they own? Secondly, why are so many people jumping into marriages and relationships only to find that it was not what they wanted in the first place? Thirdly, the next time i jump into a relationship, i will definately find someone who is not merely self centred.
I guess i'm determined to henceforth learn from people's life. Frankly, i'm an advocate of cohabitating. I think that's the best way to find out more about a person and to decide if you can eventually live with a person. Settle down and marry. I guess it's coz of this reason that i have never wanted to put myself in that position.
Don't get me wrong. I do believe in a monogamous relationship. I know i will never cheat on my partner. Maybe some of my views since young have never changed. But at the same time, although i used to think cohabitation was wrong, it is now with the growing number of people whom i see divorcing, i think it is really a good idea after all. Start seeing each other, start dating, start cohabitating. If you pass all three rounds, then maybe we might start talking about marriage. At this rate i'm going, guess i'm going to be single for a long time more. Frankly, its not all about SEx.Its more about understanding a person and being able to live with the quirks of a person. It's not easy to be able to live with each other. There are definately habits that irritate and such. I'm perfectly contented to cohabit with a guy, then maybe in a couple of years when we are both ready, to get married. Then again, marrying too late would mean no children. SIghz. Was life ever this sad and complicated back in the ages?

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Weekend

Went the the NATAS fair today. What a load of people man.. Amazing how everyone is constantly complaining that they are poor, broke, pathetic, and yet, it seems like people have the money to travel. Not like travelling is really expensive. I guess there are really cheap destinations. Like Malaysia. Anyway, was quite irritated just now at the fair. Met up with two other friends to go to the fair. THe place was jam packed with people. From the moment i stepped in, i was ready to step out. I simply can't stand crowds. Maybe i should have been born a man. No wonder i never go to those sales that are constantly hitting town.
Went to look up SA tours first courtesy of a recommendation made by mr Tour Guide. Went to ask about a package to Hong Kong, 2N stay in HK and 1N in disney. Was all excited about it until they told me they didn't do packages for 1 person. SHit man.. But its alright. I told myself, i should not be disheartened. I will carry on asking the rest of the tour agencies. After all, i didn't believe that no one would want to do a package for 1 person. I think i kinda lost steam after i hit the 5th agency. They all had the same answer. Oh.. 1 person, sorry. Ours is for 2 and abouve. Then of course there is a price to pay for going alone. Average price quoted to me was like $1300. What's wrong with all these people. Isn't there anyone out there that travels alone? More importantly, did i miss a manual in travelling that states that you have to travel with someone else? Faint...
Oh well, to top it all off, i sms Tour Guide to share with him my interesting findings. His reply didn't help. Something like, they will do for 1. Money only mah.. Of course i know it only has to do with money. If i had a few thousands lying around, would i be grousing? SO i guess its ultimately my problem. I would probably have to settle for somewhere cheaper.. or not go on a holiday at all. And i guess i got irritated when he asked me when i was going away. Oh well, anyway, i apologized already. And i guess in my own ways, i know he's not going to put such a small matter at heart. Maybe that's one of the reasons i love him so much.. grinz
Went to Candy Empire after that to cheer myself up.. Bought loads of mint chocolates and hazelnut chocolates, and i'm cured. No more moodiness and grumpiness. Thank god for stuff like candy and chocolates.
Photo shoot in the evening was fine as well. Nothing spectacular, a waste of time in my honest opinion. Finished the photo shoot and went down to starbucks to meet my friends again. Second time back to starbucks in one day. Met oli before the NATAS fair at starbucks liat for coffee as well.
Actually come to think of it, both grps of people i met mentioned the same thing. Oli said something like he doesn't think i need someone in my life. Then at night, someone mentioned the same thing. Of course, being the curious me, i asked why.. and Oli said that in all the times when we were together, he never felt like he was needed in my life. Like whether or not he was around, i would still be doing the things i did. Life goes on. At night, another friend said, your character is so strong that you simply don't need a man in your life. Hmmm... makes me think. Is that how the people in my life view me? Is that why i'm still SINGLE???? Is that why no one seems to be interested in going into a relationship with me or is it because that's the impression i give people and therefore people don't dare to approach me or rather start somehting with me?
Oli said you're a great friend to have around. And probably the most hassle free gf i've ever had. And yet, there was something missing. I asked what it was and he had no answer. Why am i not surprised. Well, its a cool thing that we're still friends after all these times. And he finally made this statement before we left. He said, you're more suited to be the mistress. HUH? Where did that come from. Not dropping it, i asked why as usual. And he said that you are that independent woman that seldom shows her heart to others. And you are not the sort that needs a man to make a decision for you. And yet i know you love a lot when you are in a relationship. Anyway, i kinda got the gist of what he was putting across to me. And same thing my friends said at night.
Oh well, maybe that's what's wrong with me. I guess i've been kinda jaded for a long time. I've always been the pillar of strength in a relationship or friendship. But frankly, there are times where i would like to sit back and relax and let a sensible guy make the decisions. But he has to be sensible first lah.. Of all my encounters with men, i have yet to find a guy who is domineering and confident, yet sensitive and sensible at the same time. Someone who knows just when to let me grow and when to step in to take the reins. When i find that guy, i guess he'll be the one i'll like to exchange vows with. I think when i finally find a guy that i can trust with my heart, the rest of the way should be pretty easy and smooth sailing.
Anyway, sunday went without event. Still at work. But thought i'll take a break and type my blog. Alright, going back to work now.. Loads to clear by morning...

Friday, September 09, 2005

Everyday woes

Went to the dentist today to do scaling and polishing. Dentist told me that my wisdom tooth has to come out coz it was being wedged under another tooth. If it didn't come out, in time to come, i would experience severe pain. Hmm, would i be less intelligent after she takes out my wisdom tooth? Would i not be wise any longer? Oh well, silly me. Think there is no such connection between the two. Anyway, i guess there goes another $400 bucks. So much for saving to go to Hong Kong.
Frankly, i do think i want to go to HK quite badly. Various reasons i guess. Disneyland will be a huge attraction. And in all the times that i've been back to HK, i haven't been to Ocean Park. I think it'll be pretty cool to go there and check out the sights and sounds. Then there's grandma who is old and i guess its only fair to go back and see her. She did ask for me. Pity this time round, she ain't sponsering the air tix. Just checked out the prices, kinda tot 2k would do it. But now, i guess if i want to stay in disney hotel, then i might eventually have to fork out more. Never tot gg to HK would cost this much. After all, all my previous trips were sponsered. How would i know.
So herein lies the huge dilemma. I want to go away coz i haven't been away this whole year. And i promised myself that i'll go away at least once a year. Or i could simply go to krabi or ko samui, spend some down time there by the beach. Then no grandma and no disneyland. Funny how such a simple thing can actually be hard to decide.
He came over just now. I really don't understand men. Least of all, him. He saw the present i got for Tour Guide, and got upset. Hello??? What do you want from me? I can give you an equally nice present, but you can't bring it home. Then what's the point of giving it to you? Anyway, when we were together, i gave you so much more. It was no longer a present of effort only, but i gave you whatever, i could afford at that time. Which is a lot more then now if you ask me. So, he got upset. I got pissed. Did we finally fight? Nope.. I told him, lets not talk about this now. Coz we'll end up fighting. And he wanted to know all about this guy. I had nothing to tell. I mean, its not like we are together.. i just like this guy. So i gave it to him straight.. I think for the first time in my whole co existence with him, i finally felt a tinge of irritation coz i felt that he was being selfish.
He said he didn't like the idea of me seeing this guy. Let alone be his friend. Said that if i could do so much for him as a friend, then what more if we ever got together? Hello.. i was not the one that chose to give up the relationship. And who are you to dictate who i can see and can't? Anyway, i shared with him how i felt, he apologized and told me that he's just scared of losing me. Please.. I'm really confused with this guy man... Or rather confused with men in general.. Wonder would dating a woman be less complicated?
Anyway, i told him i wanted to go HK. Not like he can take time to go away with me. Not like i expect him to.. Guess its precisely becoz of all the failed promises that i've learnt over the past 4 years to travel on my own and be on my own. I guess there's a part of me that never wants to be co dependent on someone else. Or let someone else disrupt my travel plans. Call me selfish. But i guess a part of me just needs that little edge. Anyway, he said he would pay for half the trip since he can't go. Sigh... so silly. How come men never realize that for me, its not their money that i want? I mean, if i really can't afford the trip to HK, then, i'll just go to some beach place and chill out for a couple of days and recharge. Anyway, i know he means well. But i declined. Did i expect myself to do otherwise? I mean, to start off with, it took such a long time to leave a huge part of him behind. Funny how the less i want or need him, the more he needs me. I asked him this actually. You once told me that a relationship is like a kite. You need to know when to pull and when to let go. Are you pulling like crazy now coz u think the kite is flying away? He said he wasn't sure. Just that he didn't want to lose me. Sighz....
Of all the things i can do in life, my most screwed up part is in relationships i guess. He knows my hot buttons. But, i guess after all these years of bouncing back and forth, i guess i don't want to do so any longer. Do you think you'll feel better after you sleep with me? NO....
Faint.. in one week, i've been rejected by 2 men who don't want to sleep with me. Not that sex is really important to me. But, i must be really losing my touch. The one guy that i want to sleep with, tells me that he doesn't want to bed me. The other guy that i feel sorry for, doesn't want to bed me as well. Oh well, the increasingly dry spell will just have to carry on.
Anyway, all this aside, i guess work fills my head and i just want to be a trainer now. The rest, i guess it;ll all fit into place in time to come. Was out with this lady last night. And she told me this. If you have to constantly go through ups and downs, then it probably wasn't meant to be in the first place. How apt. She and another buddy of mine said i was really naive. But then again, i beg to differ.. i just have a really soft heart.
Life goes on now. Still 2 more months till i fly off. I know i will go off. Just not sure where. If i save really hard, maybe i'll still be able to go HK. Maybe not. But that's for another day. Anyway, i told him i needed some time to be alone. That i'll call him when i'm ready to meet again. For all the sweet things that he wants to give me, i think he might be a tad late. Maybe just 4 years too late? Who knows. Now just need some away time to figure out how to raise money and also just what the fuck to do with one who cannot or rather doesn;t want to let go of the past, and another whom has many issues of which i dont know how to help.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Mental strength, competition and Belief


After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love does not mean leaning
and company does not always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses are not
contracts and presents are not promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child
and you learn to build your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in flight
After a while you learn that
even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye you learn....


A topic of conversation that has always been close to my heart came up today. The topic was about sports, competition and mental strength/toughness. Funny that this person said i sounded arrogant or rather i was not humble. I didn't bother to refute his comment. Guess in that one simple way, i've changed. In the whole conversation and even my approach of a comment made, made me realize this. Maybe i really did sound arrogant. After all, here was one topic that i felt i knew shit loads about. It made me think that maybe, if i let it all out once and for all, i will finally figure out what to do.
Most of my growing years was spent in the pursuit of excellence. I don't really talk about it any more. Sometimes, i feel like it was such a long time ago. In school, i never had to work very hard to be near the top of class. The times when i struggled to achieve good grades was only coz it appeased my mum. But i guess, to a certain degree, school came rather easily. Never top school, but always within the top 20 in school. Maybe i was smart? Or rather i would like to think so. School being not of a challenge, i decided to channel my energies elsewhere. So, i started doing sports. Here, there was a challenge. I wasn't all that gifted as an athlete. Psychomotor moronic was one of the words i learnt. Coordination problems were another. But i strove on. At least it was something that i wasn't all that great in. I did lots for myself then. Funny how i can actually look back and laugh at all that i've done. Funny how i feel so disassociated with who i was then. From being a swimmer, to joining track and field. To playing the piano, performing in plays and musicals, to being captain of girl's brigade to head prefect. I wanted it all. Nothing seem impossible. As long as you put your mind to it...
Then came secondary school. It was once again the mindless pursuit of wanting everything. Lack of focus? Not for me. It was the need for variety and wanting to be recognised not only in one field. THat wasn't tough. It was tougher being recognised in all different fields from academic, to sports, to being an arts person. I didn't want to be head prefect again. One of those been there done that things. And yet, was it just an excuse? House captain, class chairperson, track captain, guides company leader. I wanted it all. Star of the school play, swimmer, athlete, bowler. Took part in so many sports that i can't remember now which sports i play. Went up on stage to collect so many prizes and awards that i've also lost count. Did it all come easy? Of course not. The tougher it was, the more interested i was. I was hungry to defeat everything that i found a challenge. Sports in school taught me a lesson. It taught me that it was a cruel world out that. It was a world where the weak gets devoured and the great triumphed. It was a place where diplomacy and ties made a difference whether you made it to the relay team. It was a place where even if you were the best 4, you might not get a place on the team coz ur coach didn't like you. I knew then if i did something, i would have to be the best. That way, i didn't have to earn my spot on the squad. It would be a given.
That one incident made me a tougher person. He talked about mental strength. Was it a concept that i'm familiar with? Of course. At the highest level of competition, it is what makes the difference. Can the mind do wonders? I'm sure of it. I'm a living evidence of it happening. A torn ligament that needed 9 mths to recover? I didn't take that. I knew i wanted to be on the team. I went in with a one minded pursuit. Did the knee hurt? Yes. Did it swell? Of course. But did it stop me? No way. I knew what i wanted. I had set a goal, and i was unwilling to let it fall short of it one single bit. No injury was going to make me fall short of my goal. I remember telling myself despite all the concerns of others, that i will push on until i had done everything, and i could do nothing. That year, i made the squad, made combined schools for netball, made youth development squad for track and field. People say what a miracle, i would have liked to say, bullshit. If you were in my shoes, you would have given up when the doctors said no.
Struggling through it wasn't easy. Not when there was a tempremental boyfriend who needed constant reassurance. Not when friends screamed for attention. I gave up a lot of stuff by choice. And looking back, i'm sure i would have walked down that same path. Then came uni. Didn't make it to the course i would have liked to. Could have gone to UK to study. But he asked me to stay. And could i say no? Yeah i guess. But i guess i didn't want to. Played 3 varsity sports, 7 hall games. Ran a business for a friend, taught tuition, and swimming. People ask me, how come you have so much energy. Aren't you ever tired? Guess i didn't really think about it. I'm not all that fantastic though.. Would have liked to have made Dean's List. But i figured i would do so in my 3rd year. Life seemed good. Blessed child, star child, talented, gifted, amazing, competitive, survivor, tough, lots of potential, boundless energy... You name it, i've heard it all. Only took 21 years of my life to hear praises that some never even hear about even on their death bed.
When did the change occur? What changed? And why the change? Was out for drinks earlier with a group of girlfriends. And one girl mentioned this. Sometimes, you wake up one morning and knew that it was over. What's over? For me, i guess i didn't take one morning to decide this. It was more like an evolutionary process. I knew i wanted to be with him. I wanted to please him. I don't like you playing sports. Makes you too boyish. Feel like i'm bringing my brother out. I want more time. Whay do other girlfriends always have time to go away over the weekends. Why can they spend time with their boyfriends? Why can't you be more lady like? Why do you have to work so hard? Will you dump me when u graduate? WHy is it so important to you to be the best? Why are you so competitive? Why can't you be contented? My friends think you are a snob. Why can;t you agree to everything that i say? Why do you always always have a contradicting point? I hate you telling me i told you so. THe list goes on.. and on.. and on....
But the choice was mine to make. And i guess, by then, i was too into him already. Finally, i thought if i gave in to him, he would be happy. I hated seeing him so upset. I just wanted him to be happy really. Maybe a naive part of me thought that was the way to his heart. Nothing i did would have helped. THe last time he cheated o mne, i asked him why, and he said told me that she was a simple girl, that was easily contented with life. that she gave him no pressure to live up to something as i was more. That she knew how to throw tantrums and knew how to be a woman that he felt he could protect. He came back and i thought if i gave in one more time, he would stay. You could say i was on a one track pursuit of his love by then. And yet, he walked away for good telling me i've changed. Sigh.. As for me, i wanted badly to understand. I wanted to know the logic behind the sequence of events. Even in chaos, there is a sense of logic. And so, i began my journey of self exploration and discovery.
It was a harder journey. It was tough. There was pain. But i enjoyed the pain. I locked up my past and i kept the key somewhere private. Where i knew no one could touch and reach. The pain was a different kind of pain from the one that i experienced while i was striving to be the best, to get to the top and stay at the top. This pain numbed the emotional pain and void i felt. I walked into decadence. Further and further down that path. I didn't even want to be happy anymore. Maybe i felt that i squandered my chance away. Maybe i felt i didn't deserve a second chance. Maybe coz i didn't know how. I remember sharing with someone not too long back, that all humans are in limbo. For you to achieve happiness, you must encounter sadness. For you to achieve pleasure, it is in contrast to pain. Just like light and darkness, cold and heat. I wanted to stay in limbo and not experience a thing.
The past is now gone. What now? Today, i take baby steps all over again. What lies ahead? What happens tomorrow? Will you reassure me with a pat on the back and a simple praise so that i know that i'm walking down that correct path? THe light at the end of the tunnel seems so distant. So small. Will i ever make it there? Would it be really differnt if i just wait my time out? Would it matter. And in that darkness, i take myfirst step, stumble and fall. It hurts. And i sit down and i cry. For i know i am truly lost.
SOmeone mentioned that she felt i was devoid of feeling. She asked how i could be so nonchalant about things and about the people in my life? She asked me why i never let anyone into my heart. Did people around me really feel that way? I've shared what i can. But i don;t know how to share anymore. I'm fearful of the repercussions and what it might mean. Sure i want someone to open up and reach out their hand to me. But for once, can i let the person make the first step? Can i just have someone strong to lean on coz i'm not so sure? Can i have someone who thinks i'm strong yet knows that i'm like every woman. That i still need to be hugged and kissed and protected?
Mental strength, competition and belief? What does it matter anyway? Who are you to judge me when u know nothing about me and who i am. Why do i not bother to explain myself? The answer is simple. Coz i'm not sure. I'm so detached from my past that i do not even know whether it was that same person that achieved so much... Heros do not live in past glories. It is the present that makes the differnence. I'm just not sure if i want to make the difference.
Signing out....

The concept

Love is patient, love is kind
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Funny how very often, life is so full of opportunities. One door closes, another opens. If you stand by the door and refuse to open it, or let it close, you lose the whole experience of it. What then is love? What is my concept of love? How come some times, something so simple, can be so complicated? Someone once shared with me that one day when it becomes simple, that will be the one. Love has little trials and tribulations. For even if there was, you would not view it as such. Does love come in many manners? I'm sure it does. There is the parent child love. There is the teacher student love. There is the sibling love. There is the friendship love. The husband wife love. And of course the girlfriend boyfriend love.
But what is the defining thing in all these forms of love. Is there one common factor of it all? i thought long and hard about this. And i guess at the end of the day, it has to do with some words. Everyday words that seem to work wonders when put into context. There is respect, there is acceptance, there is the lack of wanting anything in return. But in the end, what you get out of it satisfies you. There are many people in my life that i know i love. I love my parents, i love my bro. I love the people who are in my inner circle. People whom over a long period of time, i have gradually allowed them access to my heart and my life. These are the people that i know, and i trust. And i know that i would want to be there for them.
Let's talk about the gf/bf love. At 16, it was a whole whirlwind of falling in love. Many of my peers fell in love. Some changed drastically, some didn't. I guess in retrospect, i fell in love with him coz he didn't expect me to do great things. Being with him was the only time i didn't feel pressurized to perform, to be the strong one. But funny how in the end, i still had to be strong. Coz he wasn't as strong. I went in with a one minded pursuit of the ultimate goal of being with him. Guessed if i had put in as much effort in school, i would have aced school. And yet, i loved blindly. Did i mind being the one that put money in his wallet? Did it bother me that i bought him a bike coz he couldn't afford it? Did i mind the idiotic things he did? Did i mind the women that he kept? Guess i would be lying if i said i didn't. But yet, i still loved him. Blind love i guess. I loved him despite his flaws. For at the end of the day, he did make me happy. Although sometimes, i think i should aim higher and be with a man that will make me happier rather then sad.
Then i grew older, and sometimes i do wonder whether i'll fall in love again. Over the years, i've met men that would make my heart beat fast, but inherently, at the end of the day, is is lust or love?
What makes me tick? What kind of man do i want? Who do i want to be with? In my ideal world, my other half will be like my best friend. I guess to be my other half, you have to first step into my inner circle. For me to open up to you, for me to not feel ashamed that i cried my heart out in front of you. For me to not worry about how u will view me after i've shared something with you. For you to accept my past, and accept me. I would like someone that we can have intelligent conversations with, and nonsensical topics when the need arises. Someone that can sit in perfect solitude in the presence of each other and with no words spoken, have spoken. Someone that enjoys my hugs and kisses, and who would enjoy returning them. Someone who can see the good in me, someone who can share himself with me. Is it just all about me? Well, no. Most importantly, i guess someone who is happy being with me. That the happiness comes from within. That we would not feel that it is a chore to give in. But we would give in coz we want to. And of course someone who knows that i can be a companion for life, just like he knows that he is a companion for life.
Is love then all about looks? Wealth? I shared this concept many times before. Does it have to be a man? Nope. I guess when love hits you, it just does. Have i never been attracted to a lady and wanted her to be happy? Well, i have. I don't think you can classify that when two people fall in love, it has to be between a man and a woman. Maybe that's why there are so many gay couples around out there. Now, if it does not have to do with the gender, then what more about looks and wealth?
I think back about the experiences that i've had with the men/women in my life. And i guess everyone is unique in their own ways. There are of course that was merely mindless. So what is the point of all the mindless relationships? Someone got me thinking about this today. Just what is the point of a mindless relationship. Sex isn't all that important to me. I've been with a woman before, cared for each other, and not have sex. I've been with a man, not have sex and yet had an extremely fulfilling relationship. So today, as i thought about what sex really does for me, i came to this conclusion. It's not about the 20 minutes of ecstacy. It goes deeper then that.
I haven't slept with anyone for 9 months now. Why? Guess i haven't felt the need to do so. Maybe also coz i deem it pointless. I don't want to sleep with someone just coz he has a cute bum or just coz he has a cute face. I want to sleep with someone who values me. That its not just about sleeping with each other. That our relationship will be enhanced somewhat and somehow. Does it mean that just coz we sleep together we need to get married? Nope. I'm not even sure if i applaud the concept of marriage. One of the relationships that i enjoyed the most was that with the Swimming Guy. Let's call him SG.
SG and i started off interestingly i guess. We both weren't ready for a full blown relationship. And yet at the same time, there was something attractive about him. I liked the way he spoke, the things that came out of his mouth. Not always flattering, but i knew there was some connection there. Maybe coz he came from an overseas education, his thinking was different from most chinese man. We did eventually fall for each other although at different times. And i guess, it was all a matter of timing at the end of the day. Maybe human beings are contradictory people and greedy at the same time. He wanted me yet wanted to see other women. I wanted him, yet wanted to see other men. But we did agree to be open and frank with each other should we one day feel something more for each other or for someone else. And the fact that we were super frank with each other, made parting easier i guess. He's going to be married next year, and i'm happy for him. I know that he has my blessings. Of course there is a part of me that wonders just what would have happened if we had both felt strongly about each other at the same time? But frankly how could that have happened? I think i was never ready to give Guardian up.
I've missed many boats in my life. I've stood at the harbour for the longest time ever. I've finally seen a boat that i would like to board. But it seems that the boat is full. But in a funny way, i'm glad. I'm glad that now that i think about it, i am not angered about the boats that i've missed, or the wrong boats that i've boarded. Instead, i thank GOD for all the wonderful people he has ushered into my life. Went out with the dirtbikers for dinner on Sunday. Met the guy that has been in love with me for the longest time. Frankly, i'm touched. But there is a part of me that wants to explain to him how he can wait at the harbour all year and i would still not board it. He is not someone that i want to be with. No doubt he is such a giving man that on the rare occasions where i ponder about the question whether it is better to love or be loved, i do think i might give him a chance. However, i don't think i will truly be happy with him. He will always be like a backup choice kinda thing that i know I cannot look him in the eye and tell him i truly love him.
But what he said did make sense as well. He said this to me on Sunday. You have been with men that you think you liked. You have had plenty of mindless relationships. Why is it that through it all, you never wanted to give me a chance?
I thought about his question long and hard, and i gave him this answer. Maybe i'm scared. I'm scared coz u love me with an intensity that i know i will never be able to match. I know that i do not want to disappoint you. It was honest words. The same words that i uttered 5 years back on the beach. I shared with him that i was really touched. And the day he learnt to let go and move on, i would be truly happy for him. I was no longer the child of 18 where i wanted everyone to love me. The more the merrier. And as i answered him, a little voice inside me laughed. How easy it was to tell someone to let go when i have been hanging on for the longest of time.
Somehow, i received a conclusion just now. I believe in my gut instincts a lot. And somehow, i think another Superman will emerge in my life. I know i have someone who cares for me and does not want to me to be hurt. But this is also someone whom i feel is not attracted to me in the sense of a man being attracted to a women. And i guess i can live with that. Did it disappoint me when i finally found out? I guess in a different way. It's alright. I know it will be. There is still a part of me that hopes and wishes that one day, he will change his mind and want more from me other then my friendship. There is even a remote part of me that would like to have an honest to goodness relationship with him. But until and unless it comes from him, then i guess life carries on. And they tell me, with each step, it gets easier. Somehow, Guardian did leave me with many important lessons. If i was never with him, i don't think i would have learnt the concept of falling. I think i would have beaten myself up. Not this time. And with a lingering smile, i think its time for bed.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Questions answered

As i laid curled up next to the warm body, i could feel his breathing against my face. It had not been an easy day. And funny how he was the one that was still there in the end. The aircon was cold and i snuggled even deeper into the sheets. As i looked at his sleeping face, there were so many questions that i wanted answered. So many doubts and so many queries. Each taking me back into time. I turned. He woke. Smiling his silly smile, he asked if i was alright. If i felt better. I turned to look at him, and it all came flooding back. And unlike the rest of the times, he was so understanding. He asked if i just wanted to talk, and if i wanted him to hold me...
No words needed to be said at that point of time. I think, somehow, he just knew. Knew that all i wanted was a hand to hold and a heart that understood. And who better then him? Pulling me close, he said the words that i've been longing to hear for the longest time of my life. He said, "You know, i never stopped loving you." That burst the dam. Tears rolled down my eyes. I stared at him in disbelief, and i asked the question that i've been wanting to ask.. Our conversation was as follows...
Me: So why did you choose to leave?
GA: Coz i always felt that i wasn't good enough for you. And i wanted you to do the things you had to do. I didn't want you to change your whole life, your dreams and your ideals to fit me into your life..
Me: But each time i asked, you turned me away. For a while, i was so unsure...
GA: Yes, lets take a walk down memory lane, and see if now, i can finally give you the answers to the questions that you've always wanted answered..
We talked and talked and the conversation was endless. We walked down memory lane and times spent together came flooding back. What was the point? He was no longer mine and mine alone. He told me to move on, and that in his heart, there was a little corner that was filled by me and me alone. I thought that those words of his would push me over the edge, but i just sat there in a daze. Why tell me these only after so many years. Why not tell me there and then, when the pain was the worst. When i felt that i could no longer carry on?
He shared with me that i was just a little girl then. In his eyes, i was such a youthful creature. So full of love, so full of ideals. Someone that loved him unconditionally, even when i walked into his room with another woman. There was no hate, not anger. It was hurt that bore from my eyes. A hurt that he vowed he would never want to induce ever again. But i told him this, it wasn't that time that hurt me the most. It was when you said goodbye and i knew it was over. That hurt me more then that incident. He told me my capacity to love was amazing and for all the things that went wrong between us, i never once denied him of that love...
I looked deep into his eyes, just to confirm if they were empty words, or words that meant something. Something straight from the heart. Somehow, i don't know if it was coz i wanted to believe in him so badly, or maybe, i saw something in his eyes. Something that made my eyes welled up again. After all these years, he was still the only one that could make me cry. That ever saw me cry out of the comfort of my own room. He was still the one that i chose to open up to.
Then something he said made me realize that, after all has been said and done, he wasn't a bad man after all. Maybe just really confused. And unsure. He told me that he knew i was troubled. Not only from matters of the heart, but also from the family. I nodded. After all, he had that calming effect on me. He was still the only one that i knew i didn't have to have the mask on. He was the only one that could remove the mask, and see what was beneath it, and love what he saw. He was the one that could see a trembling and hurt child beneath, and gather the child in his arms for comfort.
The questions that i had just kept flowing. And one after another, answers were shot off. Days where i was 16 and riding pillion, going to college, cutting school to spend the afternoon with him. When i first started riding, my falls off the bikes. My pathetic results, my dreams crushed. My seeing him walk away, my going to uni, my 21st bday. My accident, me in hospital, the times where we were cohabitating, my ever endless short stints of job, the continuous flow of men in my life in search for peace, my constant need of assurance from him. We swept past 9 years of history. And then, we came to the present.
What now? I looked at him, and i shared this with him. For all the things that have happened, for all the mistakes or adventures we had. For the past 4 years, we have both taken our different paths in life. And yet, for some peculiar reason, we kept meeting on the path of life. Was it coz at the end of the day, we were still walking ard in circles? I shared this with him. And, for once, i could see hurt in his eyes. He answered yes. I asked him wat he wanted to do about it, and i knew that he was as confused or as unsure as i had been. No answer came out. He said he didn't want to lose me. He wanted me to always be a part of his life. And i asked the million dollar question. What about her? He said he knew he was selfish, but, in a way, she needed him. And he neede me. He asked me if i could be strong for him. That since i was always the strong one in the relationship, that i could be strong once again.
The answer came out even before i could think of it in my head. I told him, i will always be strong for you. But this time round, i think being strong would mean as much as i would still like to be a part of your life and want to know how you are, i have to walk away. I see the conflict in you. And i know how it can hurt. But, this will never end unless one day, one of us grows the courage to see it through. Know that i'll always be just a phone call away. That the promise i made a long time ago still stands. But for both our emotional growth and that of hers, it is time to leave. Time to stop all this short meetings. It only opens up old wounds. I didn't hear his reply. With that, i woke up.........................

Was it all a dream? well, the answers were there. The questions answered. A deep peace was felt. And i finally understood what had to be done. For years, i've left my dreams behind to pursue those of another person. Some where along the way, i chose his happiness over mine. Some where, some time, i lost myself in his world. In his private time and possession. It was time to find back the spirit, the passion of a young girl, who was strong. But funny how it is that i had to go through being weak to know that i was strong. To know that i really had the courage and strength that i thought i had lost over the years.
Someone once told me this. You are a person that will accomplish many things in your life. You have the passion and the vision, and you have the personality. Do not let the fire die, and suffer a burn out. Take your time to ride out the storm. I thought about this person today. And i am so touched that the person saw so much in me at such a tender age.
We all have different paths to take in life. And at times, when faced with adversity, the only choice we have is how we view it and overcome it. I look into the mirror just now, and i'm not proud of the things i had to say to myself. I looked away. But i know, the next time i looked into the mirror, i will be proud of what i have to say to the image that smiled back at me.
On a lighter note, i texted someone special today. And our conversation didn't go anywhere. Guess he was bz. But, he made this one comment when i said i wanted to give him a surprise. He said, don't expect too much coz with that comes disappointment. I know from this statement that he is either a person who is super logical, or a person jaded. But whatever the case, it is someone who has a huge defense system built ard him. I won't even try to break down the defences as i believe, in time, through the love and actions of those around him, he will one day feel the fire in him again without his high castle walls or the drawbridge up. Will you believe me when i tell you that i just want him to be happy? I know this as it was exactly what i said to Guardian 9 years back. If you are unhappy or uncomfortable, share with me, and walk away. i will accept what you choose. I only want you to be happy. But wouldn't it be great if we could both be happy? With this someone, i will once again, open my heart and mind. And i really would like him to be happy. But for some queer reason, i guess i a little unsure as to how to share this with him and let him know. That i value his friendship so much. And i love his presence in my life. And i appreciate all that he has done or said. That i loved him for who he is. Isn't that what makes love so beautiful. A father loves the child without conditions. Did it matter that the child was fat, thin, beautiful or ugly? Did it matter that the child had learning difficulties? In the father's eyes, the child was beautiful the way he was. With this friend, although i'm not the father, he is beautiful the way he is in my eyes. Even if we don't agree on a lot of things, constantly have different POVs, i respect him. And i guess, when all is said and done, i will be happy just seeing him happy.
I am truly blessed. I know that now. And knowing it means much more. All of us at the end of the day, just need a hand to hold, and a heart to understand and be understood. The mountain of problem seems like a molehill now. Its time to sleep and find the solutions when i wake. For i will know just what to do as i always have.

The Currency Theory

Seems like a practice to take interesting excerpts from other people's blog. My friend discussed this topic with me some time back where i was super frustrated about the lack of movment in things. I have taken the liberty to take out portions of her blog and inserted som e of my own insights and feelings. This currency theory of hers really does make me think about the manner in which people are so similar yet so different at the same time.

"Interesting how I see things but I came to realized a long time a long that the capacity to trust to give is different with each individual. n well though the currency value that I receive might be different from what I have given, am I then being shortchanged? Perhaps not... I do not believe that I am shortchanged just for the unique way I weigh it, I guess. The first part of the theory stimulates that everyone has a one hundred dollars in their life that they have to divide between family, friends, Lovers n self n each person will choose to spend it differently depending on wat their priorities n their values in life are. N out of this one hundred it is then further sub-divided into individuals in that category. I shared half the theory but not how I link to life just because I feel it is a little well weird maybe...It draws back to the Bible when a rich man gave a huge amount to the church n a poor lady gave a pitiful amount as compared to him... But Jesus said that the lady would be blessed for she gave all that she had left.Perhaps the parallels may seem ridiculous to many but this is how I see things ...For a simple reason ppl due to prior life experiences n well ideologies, people will always have different capabilities to give. N at the end of the day all I need is to know is they tried for it is not the amount but the effort. N undue expectations will only result in undue pain. Simple equation but sometimes hard."
This theory has been evident in my life recently. I guess its mainly coz of late, i have been questioning the value of worth. A friend also shared with me that as friends, you give your all, or rather all you can muster at that moment and not question whether the person will have anything to give you back in return. But let's face it, how many times will you keep on giving and getting neither the joy of friendship or the understanding from a friend. How many times will you go knocking on a door before u finally give up and realize that that particular door won't open for you?
For a while now, i've been giving my undivided attention to a particular man in my life. For a long time, i've been wondering why with my 100% theory, nothing gets through to him. Over the weekend, i came to a revelation. For all that he is and all that he wants in life, we have different priorities and values in life. Our view and our approach to each other was in fact different. But did it make him less of a friend in my eyes, i know for now that this is not true.
Over the weekend, with that revelation in mind, i have come to treasure this friend even more. I have come to realize for all the aloofness that he protrays on the outside, he valued me as a friend. And for that, i am less sure of my initial decision. He is extremely sensible and intelligent. And now, after the weekend has passed, i realize what his fears are built on. Somehow, he has projected the fears onto me and now, i am scared. Fearful that it would be by my own hands that i spoil something so beautiful, so innocent and even angelic.
I've shared often enough that life is a constant gamble. But any half asses business person would tell you to place your stakes on something that has a higher probability. And in the event that you can't or you are unsure, leave that bet for another day. A true master in gambling knows when to walk away. Somehow, i am hesitant to walk away, and yet, i wish i had a crystal ball that would reveal to me what my decisions and actions will result in. And would my rational fears be unfounded? Or would i eventually give thanks for listening to my head and not my heart for once?
I wished i could ask him for his advice.. But seriously, this seems sort of silly as it involves him. Another part of me worries that this will change our friendship as on certain levels, i can no longer talk to him about him. Would that be the case? Would this man see me with a mask on? Or would he see the real me. Would he feel that i'm too clingy when i approach him about problems? Or would he take it that my considerations are silly. Will i no longer be able to share with him my thoughts and views for fear of the way he might view me? So many considerations, so little answers.
Status quo is good. Status quo is for those that are fearful of making the next step. But inherently, is there anything wrong with the status quo?

Sunday, September 04, 2005

My considerations

Funny how i always seem to be at a loss of what to do. Frankly, there are times when i ask myself, is there actually anything that i know? I've been considering a proposal that was presented to me since it was presented to me on Wednesday evening. And no matter how i think, it just doesn't seem right. And i guess any idiot will be able to tell, that if it doesn't seem right, stop and do not progress forward with what was in the proposal. However, there is a part of me that is dying to find out what if.... Curiosity can kill sometimes.. and i truly believe it.
I have been thinking about this issue for some time now. When i first broached this topic, it was with the simple consideration that i do not mind losing a friend. I mean, in this life of ours, some friends come, some friends go, some stay on for a longer time. Some for life. But this one friend, i was so sure would walk at the first instance.. Proved me wrong. As with time, i've learnt to appreciate this friend a lot more and come to enjoy this friend's presence in my life in a far deeper manner. Now confronted with a decision as to keep or lose the friendship, i must admit i am lost... once again.
Can a man and woman remain platonic friends? I know that is possible. But the million dollar question i have been asking myself is this. Can they sleep together and still remain platonic? Or does sex disrupt the whole balance of the friendship equation? Here are some scenarios i've been playing with.
1. We have sex, it turns out great, we carry on and end up as fuck buddies until one of us finds greener pastures. --> Does it win his heart? Don't think so. Will be shattered when he walks.. Kinda like Victor...
2. We have sex, it turns out great, it enhances our relationship and we live happily ever after --> Is this a fairy tale?
3. We have sex, it sucks, we both hate it, we carry on being friends --> Best of the worst scenarios.
4. We have sex, it sucks, we both feel uncomfortable, a wedge is formed in our friendship and goodbye friendship --> What is the value of this friendship? Definately not less then 20 minutes of pleasure.
Now, with 4 options, and only 1 sounding like what i have in mind, i only have a 25% chance of success. WIth such a low percentage, doesn't it make more sense to step back and say, hey, i love our friendship and let's just carry on being friends. One day, when this sounds less like a business transaction, we'll go to bed
THe thing that irritates me is that it really really sounds like a business transaction. We have an idea, the pros, the cons and the dos and don'ts are already stipulated out. And to add insult to injury, he even tells me, well, if that's what you want, remember i've already given you your options. Hey, sex to me has always been something that is spontaneous. It isn't something which you put in your planner and decide that maybe 1 month down the road, on a Sunday, lets get together to have sex. Now understand why i am in a dilemma?
You ask, so, what the heck. Just walk away. But truth be told, there is still this part of me that wants to find out what sort of man he will be in bed. Would he be the man that will finally be the one? And yt, if he is the one, would i collapse in pain when he decides to walk away as well?
I have this weird theory in life. And that is, when pleasure reaches a certain point, it becomes pain. And when pain reaches a certain threshold, it becomes pleasure. Now, am i willing to put myself through pain just in hopes of pleasure? I'm not sure really. Frankly, i've never been attracted this much to a guy before. In fact, i've never been this smitten. So smitten by his presence that i actually feel like it might not be a good move to sleep with him, and just have him ard me for the rest of the time we are friends. At least, when he chooses to walk away, i will be able to handle it. i think.
After much considerations, i still have no answer as usual. I'm sure it'll come to me in time and until that time, maybe he will forget about our little agreement. And i'll keep mum.. And if he does remember, then i guess i will just project my fears on him. Frankly, it is his fears that i have just shared. But for some queer reason, it scares me as well. Guess its a good thing. Only shows that both of us treasure what we have.
I've slept with a couple of people in my life. And frankly, non of them ever stayed long enough except Guardian, and even he walked in the end. Is it really something wrong with me or is it that what uncle Time said before is true... Don't sleep with a man you want to marry. Is that then, the conclusion to this confusing problem? That i should just not sleep with him?

Friday, September 02, 2005

A pattern of my life

Just finished 3 days of continuous meetings after meetings after POE was over. It has really been hectic. Now i really look up to those who manage to coach and go back to do their work full time on monday morning and it seems like nothing much has happened. Amazing. I've been suffering from a lack of energy since going on overdrive for 2 weeks with the cousins coming from hong kong and after that coaching. Meetings after meetings have yielded much results. But as we all know, a dream or a plan will continue to be son until some action is taken and it is time for it to be formulated and executed.
However, it was an incident that shocked me in the last few days. Tour Guide is finally back after dun noe how long i've not met him. Maybe saying he is finally be back is a lie coz he did come back some time last week. But guess he was too busy to meet up. And frankly, who am i to demand of his time when we are not even seeing each other. So every day, or each time, i play the role of the understanding girl. Coz maybe that is the only manner to get to him. He strikes me as the sort of person that the harder you push, the harder he pushes back. Somehow, he has to see reason for doing whatever he does. Not an easily bendable person, this person scares me.
Went for dinner with him, although there was booster that night. If you ask me now whether i made the right decision in leaving booster to meet him, i finally know now that either way i decide, there was going to be regret. Its just the way the world works coz whichever path you take, you will not know what happens if you had walked down the other path. It was truly good seeing him again. I've missed him. In which manner, i cannot answer you. I just knew that when i saw him, he brings a smile to my heart. Not even to my face which can be faked. But a smile to my heart is a true smile.
Maybe it was the time of the night where we met, that there was hardly anything else left to eat. Or maybe it was by sheer luck that we ended eating sushi. Went to this other place where it was super packed, so settled for sushi. I was glad, coz it was just in the afternoon that i was thinking how nice it was going to eat sushi since i haven't had it for a month plus. Dinner led to drinks and drinks led to him sending me back to office to pick up my bike. Home sweet home...
But wait, we didn't quite complete that course of action. I mean, we eventually did. But it was not really in the kind of time frame that such actions took. Sometimes, i wonder if i really complicate my life more then it has to.
Guardian walked back into my life once again recently. And i was in conflict for a while. But, i'm in conflict with tour guide as well. Somehow, our conversation topic veered off course and ended up in the topic of sex. Its amazing how sometimes our subconscious leads us down a path that we would have wanted to go, yet not sure how? And its even more amazing what sort of effect this man has on me. With him, i feel like i've been transformed into a blittering idiot. I seem to have lost my sense of logic and reason.
Sex. What is that? Is sex the act of penetration or is sex the whole process of foreplay, penetration and the aftermath of hugs, kisses and cuddles. I'm not sure. How would i know? Do i enjoy it? Well, if it is the whole series of process, then yes. If it is just that act itself then of course not. Men.. Men are different i guess. Men can disassociate a lot better then women i guess. Women, i'm not sure. Not even sure who i am and what i want.
Anyway, we talked and talked, went around in so many circles and frankly it got frustrating. How do you change the perspective and mindset of a man who is so fixed on his ideas? In the end, i felt like i was begging and groveling for sex. Why should i do that? Why should i feel like i'm not worth him sleeping with me? Shouldn't it be a process where both parties are willing? If it was sex that i needed, why not just go to a club, and wait for a man to pick me up, fuck me, and end it. For a man who is so intelligent, so sensitive, doesn't he see that sex is just a part of a process of a relationship? If he is not interested at all, then that way, doesn't it make sense to just walk away.
A topic that i've debated about for such a long time that sometimes, i'm running ard in circles. Finally, at the height of frustration, i decided to let it drop. Oh he is so beautiful. He is so amazing. So charming, so intuitive and almost so perfect. And yet, sometimes you know, some things are not for you. Maybe because i cannot afford to play this game, or maybe i don't know how to play this game. Or maybe, just maybe, like the relationship with Guardian, i know i will just walk away hurt... Why do that?
Now the million dollar question that i asked before i even broached this topic about sex. Would i really want to jeopardize what we have right now and jump into bed with this man? For all the reasons that might work or might not work, he is right. Inherently, one cannot turn back time and revert back to how things were. If things work out, we carry on sleeping with each other, we become fuck buddies. But where does that bring me? Is that short moments of exhilaration worth it? If things don't work out, will be still be friends? Will i still be able to share? Will i still constanly get advice?
Uncle Tim once told me this, when u love a man a lot, do not sleep with him. For 10 mths, i've kept to this belief and practice. And i'm proud of the way, our friendship has turned out. We've built a bond and trust. Rapport. That's what's make a relationship tick. Whichever way a realtionship turns, be it bf/gf, parent child, boss worker, it all boils down to this word trust and respect. Can i trust him after we sleep together? Maybe For all the fears or considerations that he had and he tried sharing with me, i feel it now. I know what it was. He is right. I am a tad emotional. And will my emotional state be the cause of a beautiful friendship lost? And i guess the question at the end of the day is will it be worth it?
I know the answer to that question. It will never be worth it to give up a lifetime of friendship for 10 minutes of pleasure. Just how so do i tell/ share this with him? Pandora's box has been opened. And i can only pray that hope will be strong enough to sustain what chaos i unleased into our friendship.