Monday, September 05, 2005

Questions answered

As i laid curled up next to the warm body, i could feel his breathing against my face. It had not been an easy day. And funny how he was the one that was still there in the end. The aircon was cold and i snuggled even deeper into the sheets. As i looked at his sleeping face, there were so many questions that i wanted answered. So many doubts and so many queries. Each taking me back into time. I turned. He woke. Smiling his silly smile, he asked if i was alright. If i felt better. I turned to look at him, and it all came flooding back. And unlike the rest of the times, he was so understanding. He asked if i just wanted to talk, and if i wanted him to hold me...
No words needed to be said at that point of time. I think, somehow, he just knew. Knew that all i wanted was a hand to hold and a heart that understood. And who better then him? Pulling me close, he said the words that i've been longing to hear for the longest time of my life. He said, "You know, i never stopped loving you." That burst the dam. Tears rolled down my eyes. I stared at him in disbelief, and i asked the question that i've been wanting to ask.. Our conversation was as follows...
Me: So why did you choose to leave?
GA: Coz i always felt that i wasn't good enough for you. And i wanted you to do the things you had to do. I didn't want you to change your whole life, your dreams and your ideals to fit me into your life..
Me: But each time i asked, you turned me away. For a while, i was so unsure...
GA: Yes, lets take a walk down memory lane, and see if now, i can finally give you the answers to the questions that you've always wanted answered..
We talked and talked and the conversation was endless. We walked down memory lane and times spent together came flooding back. What was the point? He was no longer mine and mine alone. He told me to move on, and that in his heart, there was a little corner that was filled by me and me alone. I thought that those words of his would push me over the edge, but i just sat there in a daze. Why tell me these only after so many years. Why not tell me there and then, when the pain was the worst. When i felt that i could no longer carry on?
He shared with me that i was just a little girl then. In his eyes, i was such a youthful creature. So full of love, so full of ideals. Someone that loved him unconditionally, even when i walked into his room with another woman. There was no hate, not anger. It was hurt that bore from my eyes. A hurt that he vowed he would never want to induce ever again. But i told him this, it wasn't that time that hurt me the most. It was when you said goodbye and i knew it was over. That hurt me more then that incident. He told me my capacity to love was amazing and for all the things that went wrong between us, i never once denied him of that love...
I looked deep into his eyes, just to confirm if they were empty words, or words that meant something. Something straight from the heart. Somehow, i don't know if it was coz i wanted to believe in him so badly, or maybe, i saw something in his eyes. Something that made my eyes welled up again. After all these years, he was still the only one that could make me cry. That ever saw me cry out of the comfort of my own room. He was still the one that i chose to open up to.
Then something he said made me realize that, after all has been said and done, he wasn't a bad man after all. Maybe just really confused. And unsure. He told me that he knew i was troubled. Not only from matters of the heart, but also from the family. I nodded. After all, he had that calming effect on me. He was still the only one that i knew i didn't have to have the mask on. He was the only one that could remove the mask, and see what was beneath it, and love what he saw. He was the one that could see a trembling and hurt child beneath, and gather the child in his arms for comfort.
The questions that i had just kept flowing. And one after another, answers were shot off. Days where i was 16 and riding pillion, going to college, cutting school to spend the afternoon with him. When i first started riding, my falls off the bikes. My pathetic results, my dreams crushed. My seeing him walk away, my going to uni, my 21st bday. My accident, me in hospital, the times where we were cohabitating, my ever endless short stints of job, the continuous flow of men in my life in search for peace, my constant need of assurance from him. We swept past 9 years of history. And then, we came to the present.
What now? I looked at him, and i shared this with him. For all the things that have happened, for all the mistakes or adventures we had. For the past 4 years, we have both taken our different paths in life. And yet, for some peculiar reason, we kept meeting on the path of life. Was it coz at the end of the day, we were still walking ard in circles? I shared this with him. And, for once, i could see hurt in his eyes. He answered yes. I asked him wat he wanted to do about it, and i knew that he was as confused or as unsure as i had been. No answer came out. He said he didn't want to lose me. He wanted me to always be a part of his life. And i asked the million dollar question. What about her? He said he knew he was selfish, but, in a way, she needed him. And he neede me. He asked me if i could be strong for him. That since i was always the strong one in the relationship, that i could be strong once again.
The answer came out even before i could think of it in my head. I told him, i will always be strong for you. But this time round, i think being strong would mean as much as i would still like to be a part of your life and want to know how you are, i have to walk away. I see the conflict in you. And i know how it can hurt. But, this will never end unless one day, one of us grows the courage to see it through. Know that i'll always be just a phone call away. That the promise i made a long time ago still stands. But for both our emotional growth and that of hers, it is time to leave. Time to stop all this short meetings. It only opens up old wounds. I didn't hear his reply. With that, i woke up.........................

Was it all a dream? well, the answers were there. The questions answered. A deep peace was felt. And i finally understood what had to be done. For years, i've left my dreams behind to pursue those of another person. Some where along the way, i chose his happiness over mine. Some where, some time, i lost myself in his world. In his private time and possession. It was time to find back the spirit, the passion of a young girl, who was strong. But funny how it is that i had to go through being weak to know that i was strong. To know that i really had the courage and strength that i thought i had lost over the years.
Someone once told me this. You are a person that will accomplish many things in your life. You have the passion and the vision, and you have the personality. Do not let the fire die, and suffer a burn out. Take your time to ride out the storm. I thought about this person today. And i am so touched that the person saw so much in me at such a tender age.
We all have different paths to take in life. And at times, when faced with adversity, the only choice we have is how we view it and overcome it. I look into the mirror just now, and i'm not proud of the things i had to say to myself. I looked away. But i know, the next time i looked into the mirror, i will be proud of what i have to say to the image that smiled back at me.
On a lighter note, i texted someone special today. And our conversation didn't go anywhere. Guess he was bz. But, he made this one comment when i said i wanted to give him a surprise. He said, don't expect too much coz with that comes disappointment. I know from this statement that he is either a person who is super logical, or a person jaded. But whatever the case, it is someone who has a huge defense system built ard him. I won't even try to break down the defences as i believe, in time, through the love and actions of those around him, he will one day feel the fire in him again without his high castle walls or the drawbridge up. Will you believe me when i tell you that i just want him to be happy? I know this as it was exactly what i said to Guardian 9 years back. If you are unhappy or uncomfortable, share with me, and walk away. i will accept what you choose. I only want you to be happy. But wouldn't it be great if we could both be happy? With this someone, i will once again, open my heart and mind. And i really would like him to be happy. But for some queer reason, i guess i a little unsure as to how to share this with him and let him know. That i value his friendship so much. And i love his presence in my life. And i appreciate all that he has done or said. That i loved him for who he is. Isn't that what makes love so beautiful. A father loves the child without conditions. Did it matter that the child was fat, thin, beautiful or ugly? Did it matter that the child had learning difficulties? In the father's eyes, the child was beautiful the way he was. With this friend, although i'm not the father, he is beautiful the way he is in my eyes. Even if we don't agree on a lot of things, constantly have different POVs, i respect him. And i guess, when all is said and done, i will be happy just seeing him happy.
I am truly blessed. I know that now. And knowing it means much more. All of us at the end of the day, just need a hand to hold, and a heart to understand and be understood. The mountain of problem seems like a molehill now. Its time to sleep and find the solutions when i wake. For i will know just what to do as i always have.

No comments: