Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Mental strength, competition and Belief


After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love does not mean leaning
and company does not always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses are not
contracts and presents are not promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child
and you learn to build your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in flight
After a while you learn that
even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye you learn....


A topic of conversation that has always been close to my heart came up today. The topic was about sports, competition and mental strength/toughness. Funny that this person said i sounded arrogant or rather i was not humble. I didn't bother to refute his comment. Guess in that one simple way, i've changed. In the whole conversation and even my approach of a comment made, made me realize this. Maybe i really did sound arrogant. After all, here was one topic that i felt i knew shit loads about. It made me think that maybe, if i let it all out once and for all, i will finally figure out what to do.
Most of my growing years was spent in the pursuit of excellence. I don't really talk about it any more. Sometimes, i feel like it was such a long time ago. In school, i never had to work very hard to be near the top of class. The times when i struggled to achieve good grades was only coz it appeased my mum. But i guess, to a certain degree, school came rather easily. Never top school, but always within the top 20 in school. Maybe i was smart? Or rather i would like to think so. School being not of a challenge, i decided to channel my energies elsewhere. So, i started doing sports. Here, there was a challenge. I wasn't all that gifted as an athlete. Psychomotor moronic was one of the words i learnt. Coordination problems were another. But i strove on. At least it was something that i wasn't all that great in. I did lots for myself then. Funny how i can actually look back and laugh at all that i've done. Funny how i feel so disassociated with who i was then. From being a swimmer, to joining track and field. To playing the piano, performing in plays and musicals, to being captain of girl's brigade to head prefect. I wanted it all. Nothing seem impossible. As long as you put your mind to it...
Then came secondary school. It was once again the mindless pursuit of wanting everything. Lack of focus? Not for me. It was the need for variety and wanting to be recognised not only in one field. THat wasn't tough. It was tougher being recognised in all different fields from academic, to sports, to being an arts person. I didn't want to be head prefect again. One of those been there done that things. And yet, was it just an excuse? House captain, class chairperson, track captain, guides company leader. I wanted it all. Star of the school play, swimmer, athlete, bowler. Took part in so many sports that i can't remember now which sports i play. Went up on stage to collect so many prizes and awards that i've also lost count. Did it all come easy? Of course not. The tougher it was, the more interested i was. I was hungry to defeat everything that i found a challenge. Sports in school taught me a lesson. It taught me that it was a cruel world out that. It was a world where the weak gets devoured and the great triumphed. It was a place where diplomacy and ties made a difference whether you made it to the relay team. It was a place where even if you were the best 4, you might not get a place on the team coz ur coach didn't like you. I knew then if i did something, i would have to be the best. That way, i didn't have to earn my spot on the squad. It would be a given.
That one incident made me a tougher person. He talked about mental strength. Was it a concept that i'm familiar with? Of course. At the highest level of competition, it is what makes the difference. Can the mind do wonders? I'm sure of it. I'm a living evidence of it happening. A torn ligament that needed 9 mths to recover? I didn't take that. I knew i wanted to be on the team. I went in with a one minded pursuit. Did the knee hurt? Yes. Did it swell? Of course. But did it stop me? No way. I knew what i wanted. I had set a goal, and i was unwilling to let it fall short of it one single bit. No injury was going to make me fall short of my goal. I remember telling myself despite all the concerns of others, that i will push on until i had done everything, and i could do nothing. That year, i made the squad, made combined schools for netball, made youth development squad for track and field. People say what a miracle, i would have liked to say, bullshit. If you were in my shoes, you would have given up when the doctors said no.
Struggling through it wasn't easy. Not when there was a tempremental boyfriend who needed constant reassurance. Not when friends screamed for attention. I gave up a lot of stuff by choice. And looking back, i'm sure i would have walked down that same path. Then came uni. Didn't make it to the course i would have liked to. Could have gone to UK to study. But he asked me to stay. And could i say no? Yeah i guess. But i guess i didn't want to. Played 3 varsity sports, 7 hall games. Ran a business for a friend, taught tuition, and swimming. People ask me, how come you have so much energy. Aren't you ever tired? Guess i didn't really think about it. I'm not all that fantastic though.. Would have liked to have made Dean's List. But i figured i would do so in my 3rd year. Life seemed good. Blessed child, star child, talented, gifted, amazing, competitive, survivor, tough, lots of potential, boundless energy... You name it, i've heard it all. Only took 21 years of my life to hear praises that some never even hear about even on their death bed.
When did the change occur? What changed? And why the change? Was out for drinks earlier with a group of girlfriends. And one girl mentioned this. Sometimes, you wake up one morning and knew that it was over. What's over? For me, i guess i didn't take one morning to decide this. It was more like an evolutionary process. I knew i wanted to be with him. I wanted to please him. I don't like you playing sports. Makes you too boyish. Feel like i'm bringing my brother out. I want more time. Whay do other girlfriends always have time to go away over the weekends. Why can they spend time with their boyfriends? Why can't you be more lady like? Why do you have to work so hard? Will you dump me when u graduate? WHy is it so important to you to be the best? Why are you so competitive? Why can't you be contented? My friends think you are a snob. Why can;t you agree to everything that i say? Why do you always always have a contradicting point? I hate you telling me i told you so. THe list goes on.. and on.. and on....
But the choice was mine to make. And i guess, by then, i was too into him already. Finally, i thought if i gave in to him, he would be happy. I hated seeing him so upset. I just wanted him to be happy really. Maybe a naive part of me thought that was the way to his heart. Nothing i did would have helped. THe last time he cheated o mne, i asked him why, and he said told me that she was a simple girl, that was easily contented with life. that she gave him no pressure to live up to something as i was more. That she knew how to throw tantrums and knew how to be a woman that he felt he could protect. He came back and i thought if i gave in one more time, he would stay. You could say i was on a one track pursuit of his love by then. And yet, he walked away for good telling me i've changed. Sigh.. As for me, i wanted badly to understand. I wanted to know the logic behind the sequence of events. Even in chaos, there is a sense of logic. And so, i began my journey of self exploration and discovery.
It was a harder journey. It was tough. There was pain. But i enjoyed the pain. I locked up my past and i kept the key somewhere private. Where i knew no one could touch and reach. The pain was a different kind of pain from the one that i experienced while i was striving to be the best, to get to the top and stay at the top. This pain numbed the emotional pain and void i felt. I walked into decadence. Further and further down that path. I didn't even want to be happy anymore. Maybe i felt that i squandered my chance away. Maybe i felt i didn't deserve a second chance. Maybe coz i didn't know how. I remember sharing with someone not too long back, that all humans are in limbo. For you to achieve happiness, you must encounter sadness. For you to achieve pleasure, it is in contrast to pain. Just like light and darkness, cold and heat. I wanted to stay in limbo and not experience a thing.
The past is now gone. What now? Today, i take baby steps all over again. What lies ahead? What happens tomorrow? Will you reassure me with a pat on the back and a simple praise so that i know that i'm walking down that correct path? THe light at the end of the tunnel seems so distant. So small. Will i ever make it there? Would it be really differnt if i just wait my time out? Would it matter. And in that darkness, i take myfirst step, stumble and fall. It hurts. And i sit down and i cry. For i know i am truly lost.
SOmeone mentioned that she felt i was devoid of feeling. She asked how i could be so nonchalant about things and about the people in my life? She asked me why i never let anyone into my heart. Did people around me really feel that way? I've shared what i can. But i don;t know how to share anymore. I'm fearful of the repercussions and what it might mean. Sure i want someone to open up and reach out their hand to me. But for once, can i let the person make the first step? Can i just have someone strong to lean on coz i'm not so sure? Can i have someone who thinks i'm strong yet knows that i'm like every woman. That i still need to be hugged and kissed and protected?
Mental strength, competition and belief? What does it matter anyway? Who are you to judge me when u know nothing about me and who i am. Why do i not bother to explain myself? The answer is simple. Coz i'm not sure. I'm so detached from my past that i do not even know whether it was that same person that achieved so much... Heros do not live in past glories. It is the present that makes the differnence. I'm just not sure if i want to make the difference.
Signing out....

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