Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Men & Sex

What is the inherent corelation between Men and Sex? And what is the inherent corelation between human kind in general and sex? Somehow, i am not sure what it is. However, in the past few days, it has been something that has been at the back of my mind.
There was a point in time where i felt that sex was sacred. That it was only meant for someone that i truly loved and care about. Somewhere along the way, it sort of changed. I guess after the first encounter, all the rest stopped mattering. And for a while, sex became an outlet where i could just cuddle and fall asleep. I guess that was how i viewed it for quite some time. It was like, i guess a part of me just wanted to be with someone coz i was so insecure. But after my last encounter probably 9 mths back, i've not felt that way. Don't ask me why i feel this way.
I guess there is a part of me that feels that it is extremely pointless. I guess that comes from the fact that i'm a lot more secure now. And i guess i've finally learnt to live on my own and do things on my own. And i no longer really need to be with a man to feel that i'm good in my own ways. And then again, there is the lack of expectation when u are not with a guy. And there is no compelling need to make time and give in to someone all the time. Now, there's also the other part that is like there is no reason to go through the motions just to enjoy a night of cuddling and spooning. Complicated as it is, it's really quite simple i guess.
Someone asked me over the phone the other day when was the last time i slept with someone. And my answer was 9 mths back. Whoa! She said she thought that was pretty impressive considering my past track record. And i guess i shared with her that after the initial month of wanting to be hugged and cuddled, i;ve kinda lost it. Especially since everyone in office is perpetually hugging each other all day long. Guess its the culture here. And its good. Coz i feel like i'm back in school all over again.
Recently, i've taken to hugging this guy friend of mine. Well, i guess he's a really nice person to hug. Don't ask me why. Maybe its the air about him, or maybe its a personality thing...But somehow, the world seems brighter after i've hugged him. And i guess coz he's really reassuring. And he can sense when i just need a hug, or when i need to talk. Guess that's why he's called Papa Bear.
Anyway, back to my topic after the slight digression, well the fact is that i don't think i've really ever enjoyed sex. Its like, i enjoy the before and after process. But i guess that's the whole idea about sex. It's not just the penetration. I don't think i've enjoyed it thus far. I enjoy the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles, and all the other stuff. But not the penetration. Now, i guess its not fair to ask for all of the above without asking for the pentration. Coz i think if i was a guy, i'll be pissed. And so, i guess as with all things in life, there is an opportunity cost to it. And because of this op cost, we just have to sometimes do the things we don't quite enjoy just to get what we enjoy.
Then again, i think at some point of time, i did enjoy sleeping with a guy. And that was only because we were both experimenting and finding out about things. I guess coz we were both open to the concept and spent lots of time horsing and goofing around. I guess it was also coz i shared with him stuff that i was interested in trying and vice versa. And there was never a point of time where i felt inadequate.

But somehow, after him, i don't think i've enjoyed sleeping with another guy. There was COW after that, and he was plain boring. Or maybe i didn't feel very much for him in the first place. Well, not really. I did feel for COW, just i guess somehow, i felt that he only wanted me around for the sex. He didn't see me for who i was. Just an easy lay i guess. Or maybe in the words or Superman, i was plain naive. And considering he was the last guy i slept with, i haven't really thought about sex all that much after that.
Of course there is always still a part of me that wants to go to bed with a man that i like. However, i guess there is a part of me that feels scared. Also, there is a part of me that feels that sex will complicate the issue coz i am emotional by nature. And the things that i take for granted will suddenly seem glaring. So how then do we find the balance between an eternal paradox of love, sex and a relationship. Where is the thin line to stand by, and how would you know when u have crossed that thin line. And is there really no way to salvage a situation once it has been changed?
Frankly speaking, most of the men that i have ever gone to bed with are still friends with me today. Maybe its the way i perceive things in life. Maybe it's my forgiving nature. But then agian, i guess, after all these years, there's never really been someone who has managed to drill deep into my heart. All the men have touched the surface of my life. Or rather, i've never really opened up to any one guy. And i guess that's where the circle starts. I don't open up, then don't walk in, and they never stay. But i know how painful it is when a guy i really care about walks away. Up till today, i still maintain the stand that i want him to be happy. But how often must happiness of another person be at the expense of my personal happiness.
Guess i've gone a little off topic. What i'm putting across is that i sort of feel like i've reached a plateau where i find some things in life just kinda meaningless. Maybe i've grown. Just like i prefer a coffee session to a night out at the clubs. Just like if i have to go somewhere for a drink, i prefer to sit down and listen to a band then to dance the night away. Just like i feel that sex is pointless if its not with someone whose company i enjoy or love. Just like i feel that being with a man is tiring. I just want to be with someone that i can vaguely see a future with. And for all the above reasons, i guess i'm just not so keen to commit my time to any one man.
I'm all for commitment and manogomy. Which woman doesn't want to know that the guy that she is sleeping with or is with is faithful to her. Or rather, i would like to know or think that i'm the only woman in the man's bed. Guess in that way, i'm rather selfish. But it has to come from the guy itself. Would not like to be in a situation where i am worried the guy is cheating on me. If that is the case, then i'll rather we not start anything. Coz whats the point? There is always a breaking point in things. At which point will i think enough is enough and walk away feeling disappointed and upset? Cow was such an example. Well i guess at the end of the day, my feelings are as such. Maybe i'm not so keen to play around anymore. Or maybe i'm getting boring. But whatever is the case, i still haven't drawn a conclusion.

Someone said he thought i was a rather innocent sort that isn't really open about sex. Is he wrong? I don't think so. Maybe it's really just a facade. Just like most things about me. Could it be a farce that after so long, i'm not so sure myself? Or maybe i know the truth, just that i am not willing to admit it..

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