Just finished 3 days of continuous meetings after meetings after POE was over. It has really been hectic. Now i really look up to those who manage to coach and go back to do their work full time on monday morning and it seems like nothing much has happened. Amazing. I've been suffering from a lack of energy since going on overdrive for 2 weeks with the cousins coming from hong kong and after that coaching. Meetings after meetings have yielded much results. But as we all know, a dream or a plan will continue to be son until some action is taken and it is time for it to be formulated and executed.
However, it was an incident that shocked me in the last few days. Tour Guide is finally back after dun noe how long i've not met him. Maybe saying he is finally be back is a lie coz he did come back some time last week. But guess he was too busy to meet up. And frankly, who am i to demand of his time when we are not even seeing each other. So every day, or each time, i play the role of the understanding girl. Coz maybe that is the only manner to get to him. He strikes me as the sort of person that the harder you push, the harder he pushes back. Somehow, he has to see reason for doing whatever he does. Not an easily bendable person, this person scares me.
Went for dinner with him, although there was booster that night. If you ask me now whether i made the right decision in leaving booster to meet him, i finally know now that either way i decide, there was going to be regret. Its just the way the world works coz whichever path you take, you will not know what happens if you had walked down the other path. It was truly good seeing him again. I've missed him. In which manner, i cannot answer you. I just knew that when i saw him, he brings a smile to my heart. Not even to my face which can be faked. But a smile to my heart is a true smile.
Maybe it was the time of the night where we met, that there was hardly anything else left to eat. Or maybe it was by sheer luck that we ended eating sushi. Went to this other place where it was super packed, so settled for sushi. I was glad, coz it was just in the afternoon that i was thinking how nice it was going to eat sushi since i haven't had it for a month plus. Dinner led to drinks and drinks led to him sending me back to office to pick up my bike. Home sweet home...
But wait, we didn't quite complete that course of action. I mean, we eventually did. But it was not really in the kind of time frame that such actions took. Sometimes, i wonder if i really complicate my life more then it has to.
Guardian walked back into my life once again recently. And i was in conflict for a while. But, i'm in conflict with tour guide as well. Somehow, our conversation topic veered off course and ended up in the topic of sex. Its amazing how sometimes our subconscious leads us down a path that we would have wanted to go, yet not sure how? And its even more amazing what sort of effect this man has on me. With him, i feel like i've been transformed into a blittering idiot. I seem to have lost my sense of logic and reason.
Sex. What is that? Is sex the act of penetration or is sex the whole process of foreplay, penetration and the aftermath of hugs, kisses and cuddles. I'm not sure. How would i know? Do i enjoy it? Well, if it is the whole series of process, then yes. If it is just that act itself then of course not. Men.. Men are different i guess. Men can disassociate a lot better then women i guess. Women, i'm not sure. Not even sure who i am and what i want.
Anyway, we talked and talked, went around in so many circles and frankly it got frustrating. How do you change the perspective and mindset of a man who is so fixed on his ideas? In the end, i felt like i was begging and groveling for sex. Why should i do that? Why should i feel like i'm not worth him sleeping with me? Shouldn't it be a process where both parties are willing? If it was sex that i needed, why not just go to a club, and wait for a man to pick me up, fuck me, and end it. For a man who is so intelligent, so sensitive, doesn't he see that sex is just a part of a process of a relationship? If he is not interested at all, then that way, doesn't it make sense to just walk away.
A topic that i've debated about for such a long time that sometimes, i'm running ard in circles. Finally, at the height of frustration, i decided to let it drop. Oh he is so beautiful. He is so amazing. So charming, so intuitive and almost so perfect. And yet, sometimes you know, some things are not for you. Maybe because i cannot afford to play this game, or maybe i don't know how to play this game. Or maybe, just maybe, like the relationship with Guardian, i know i will just walk away hurt... Why do that?
Now the million dollar question that i asked before i even broached this topic about sex. Would i really want to jeopardize what we have right now and jump into bed with this man? For all the reasons that might work or might not work, he is right. Inherently, one cannot turn back time and revert back to how things were. If things work out, we carry on sleeping with each other, we become fuck buddies. But where does that bring me? Is that short moments of exhilaration worth it? If things don't work out, will be still be friends? Will i still be able to share? Will i still constanly get advice?
Uncle Tim once told me this, when u love a man a lot, do not sleep with him. For 10 mths, i've kept to this belief and practice. And i'm proud of the way, our friendship has turned out. We've built a bond and trust. Rapport. That's what's make a relationship tick. Whichever way a realtionship turns, be it bf/gf, parent child, boss worker, it all boils down to this word trust and respect. Can i trust him after we sleep together? Maybe For all the fears or considerations that he had and he tried sharing with me, i feel it now. I know what it was. He is right. I am a tad emotional. And will my emotional state be the cause of a beautiful friendship lost? And i guess the question at the end of the day is will it be worth it?
I know the answer to that question. It will never be worth it to give up a lifetime of friendship for 10 minutes of pleasure. Just how so do i tell/ share this with him? Pandora's box has been opened. And i can only pray that hope will be strong enough to sustain what chaos i unleased into our friendship.