Monday, September 19, 2005

Enriching Experience

POE has finally ended. I guess i've finally found the time to sit down and write about my whole experience. Its been a rather enriching experience. I guess everything happens for a reason. And i did have a group member that was somewhat similar to me. Incidentally, she was a rather perfectionist, and at the same time, some one who perpetually lives in wonderland. I'm not quite sure yet what it was. But i guess she is just someone who is still searching for what she wants in life, thinking that a course will be able to clarify what her identity is so that she will be able to get along with her feelings.
She shared that she knew no emotions and therefore could not get close to people. At the same time, she was someone who was not very sure about what she wanted. Or rather, someone who did not want people to get close to her for fear of being hurt. I know what she is feeling becoz for the longest time ever, i was going through the same thing. I guess its a defence mechanism thing or rather a self denial thing.
Anyway, it was working with her that i realised what i was lacking in for a really long time. Overall, i feel like i've done a pretty good job. For a long time, i have not felt so confident about myself and at the same time, i have felt like i did not have it in me to help a person coz i was so lost myself. However, i now know that life is really a process. A process of learning and living. I don't have to make sure everything is perfect before i start out on it. It is merely a learning process where it could not be perfect yet it can work out in the end. Funny how my thoughts have changed so much after all these years. At least now i know i deserve to be happy. POE has helped me. Not becoz i've experienced it as a participant. But becoz of what i have experienced as a coach. It was truly a rewarding experience.In my own way, i guess my greatest goal was always to help people. To help those who choose to help themselves. For those that are unsure. Will i continue to take time out to coach? I think so. I think till the time i find that i am no longer helping people becoz i'm stuck..
I guess i still have a lot of feelings that i haven't yet processed totally and thus would not write until i have gone through all of it.
However, this experience taught me something. It taught me that when i am not congruent, people will be able to tell. THat is because, you might be able to hide behind your words, but more often then not, you are not able to hide behind your actions and facial expressions. And to be incongruent, i will always feel unsure and unhappy. Until the day i align my identity with my actions, will find happiness. Cheers

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