Friday, September 09, 2005

Everyday woes

Went to the dentist today to do scaling and polishing. Dentist told me that my wisdom tooth has to come out coz it was being wedged under another tooth. If it didn't come out, in time to come, i would experience severe pain. Hmm, would i be less intelligent after she takes out my wisdom tooth? Would i not be wise any longer? Oh well, silly me. Think there is no such connection between the two. Anyway, i guess there goes another $400 bucks. So much for saving to go to Hong Kong.
Frankly, i do think i want to go to HK quite badly. Various reasons i guess. Disneyland will be a huge attraction. And in all the times that i've been back to HK, i haven't been to Ocean Park. I think it'll be pretty cool to go there and check out the sights and sounds. Then there's grandma who is old and i guess its only fair to go back and see her. She did ask for me. Pity this time round, she ain't sponsering the air tix. Just checked out the prices, kinda tot 2k would do it. But now, i guess if i want to stay in disney hotel, then i might eventually have to fork out more. Never tot gg to HK would cost this much. After all, all my previous trips were sponsered. How would i know.
So herein lies the huge dilemma. I want to go away coz i haven't been away this whole year. And i promised myself that i'll go away at least once a year. Or i could simply go to krabi or ko samui, spend some down time there by the beach. Then no grandma and no disneyland. Funny how such a simple thing can actually be hard to decide.
He came over just now. I really don't understand men. Least of all, him. He saw the present i got for Tour Guide, and got upset. Hello??? What do you want from me? I can give you an equally nice present, but you can't bring it home. Then what's the point of giving it to you? Anyway, when we were together, i gave you so much more. It was no longer a present of effort only, but i gave you whatever, i could afford at that time. Which is a lot more then now if you ask me. So, he got upset. I got pissed. Did we finally fight? Nope.. I told him, lets not talk about this now. Coz we'll end up fighting. And he wanted to know all about this guy. I had nothing to tell. I mean, its not like we are together.. i just like this guy. So i gave it to him straight.. I think for the first time in my whole co existence with him, i finally felt a tinge of irritation coz i felt that he was being selfish.
He said he didn't like the idea of me seeing this guy. Let alone be his friend. Said that if i could do so much for him as a friend, then what more if we ever got together? Hello.. i was not the one that chose to give up the relationship. And who are you to dictate who i can see and can't? Anyway, i shared with him how i felt, he apologized and told me that he's just scared of losing me. Please.. I'm really confused with this guy man... Or rather confused with men in general.. Wonder would dating a woman be less complicated?
Anyway, i told him i wanted to go HK. Not like he can take time to go away with me. Not like i expect him to.. Guess its precisely becoz of all the failed promises that i've learnt over the past 4 years to travel on my own and be on my own. I guess there's a part of me that never wants to be co dependent on someone else. Or let someone else disrupt my travel plans. Call me selfish. But i guess a part of me just needs that little edge. Anyway, he said he would pay for half the trip since he can't go. Sigh... so silly. How come men never realize that for me, its not their money that i want? I mean, if i really can't afford the trip to HK, then, i'll just go to some beach place and chill out for a couple of days and recharge. Anyway, i know he means well. But i declined. Did i expect myself to do otherwise? I mean, to start off with, it took such a long time to leave a huge part of him behind. Funny how the less i want or need him, the more he needs me. I asked him this actually. You once told me that a relationship is like a kite. You need to know when to pull and when to let go. Are you pulling like crazy now coz u think the kite is flying away? He said he wasn't sure. Just that he didn't want to lose me. Sighz....
Of all the things i can do in life, my most screwed up part is in relationships i guess. He knows my hot buttons. But, i guess after all these years of bouncing back and forth, i guess i don't want to do so any longer. Do you think you'll feel better after you sleep with me? NO....
Faint.. in one week, i've been rejected by 2 men who don't want to sleep with me. Not that sex is really important to me. But, i must be really losing my touch. The one guy that i want to sleep with, tells me that he doesn't want to bed me. The other guy that i feel sorry for, doesn't want to bed me as well. Oh well, the increasingly dry spell will just have to carry on.
Anyway, all this aside, i guess work fills my head and i just want to be a trainer now. The rest, i guess it;ll all fit into place in time to come. Was out with this lady last night. And she told me this. If you have to constantly go through ups and downs, then it probably wasn't meant to be in the first place. How apt. She and another buddy of mine said i was really naive. But then again, i beg to differ.. i just have a really soft heart.
Life goes on now. Still 2 more months till i fly off. I know i will go off. Just not sure where. If i save really hard, maybe i'll still be able to go HK. Maybe not. But that's for another day. Anyway, i told him i needed some time to be alone. That i'll call him when i'm ready to meet again. For all the sweet things that he wants to give me, i think he might be a tad late. Maybe just 4 years too late? Who knows. Now just need some away time to figure out how to raise money and also just what the fuck to do with one who cannot or rather doesn;t want to let go of the past, and another whom has many issues of which i dont know how to help.

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