Sunday, September 04, 2005

My considerations

Funny how i always seem to be at a loss of what to do. Frankly, there are times when i ask myself, is there actually anything that i know? I've been considering a proposal that was presented to me since it was presented to me on Wednesday evening. And no matter how i think, it just doesn't seem right. And i guess any idiot will be able to tell, that if it doesn't seem right, stop and do not progress forward with what was in the proposal. However, there is a part of me that is dying to find out what if.... Curiosity can kill sometimes.. and i truly believe it.
I have been thinking about this issue for some time now. When i first broached this topic, it was with the simple consideration that i do not mind losing a friend. I mean, in this life of ours, some friends come, some friends go, some stay on for a longer time. Some for life. But this one friend, i was so sure would walk at the first instance.. Proved me wrong. As with time, i've learnt to appreciate this friend a lot more and come to enjoy this friend's presence in my life in a far deeper manner. Now confronted with a decision as to keep or lose the friendship, i must admit i am lost... once again.
Can a man and woman remain platonic friends? I know that is possible. But the million dollar question i have been asking myself is this. Can they sleep together and still remain platonic? Or does sex disrupt the whole balance of the friendship equation? Here are some scenarios i've been playing with.
1. We have sex, it turns out great, we carry on and end up as fuck buddies until one of us finds greener pastures. --> Does it win his heart? Don't think so. Will be shattered when he walks.. Kinda like Victor...
2. We have sex, it turns out great, it enhances our relationship and we live happily ever after --> Is this a fairy tale?
3. We have sex, it sucks, we both hate it, we carry on being friends --> Best of the worst scenarios.
4. We have sex, it sucks, we both feel uncomfortable, a wedge is formed in our friendship and goodbye friendship --> What is the value of this friendship? Definately not less then 20 minutes of pleasure.
Now, with 4 options, and only 1 sounding like what i have in mind, i only have a 25% chance of success. WIth such a low percentage, doesn't it make more sense to step back and say, hey, i love our friendship and let's just carry on being friends. One day, when this sounds less like a business transaction, we'll go to bed
THe thing that irritates me is that it really really sounds like a business transaction. We have an idea, the pros, the cons and the dos and don'ts are already stipulated out. And to add insult to injury, he even tells me, well, if that's what you want, remember i've already given you your options. Hey, sex to me has always been something that is spontaneous. It isn't something which you put in your planner and decide that maybe 1 month down the road, on a Sunday, lets get together to have sex. Now understand why i am in a dilemma?
You ask, so, what the heck. Just walk away. But truth be told, there is still this part of me that wants to find out what sort of man he will be in bed. Would he be the man that will finally be the one? And yt, if he is the one, would i collapse in pain when he decides to walk away as well?
I have this weird theory in life. And that is, when pleasure reaches a certain point, it becomes pain. And when pain reaches a certain threshold, it becomes pleasure. Now, am i willing to put myself through pain just in hopes of pleasure? I'm not sure really. Frankly, i've never been attracted this much to a guy before. In fact, i've never been this smitten. So smitten by his presence that i actually feel like it might not be a good move to sleep with him, and just have him ard me for the rest of the time we are friends. At least, when he chooses to walk away, i will be able to handle it. i think.
After much considerations, i still have no answer as usual. I'm sure it'll come to me in time and until that time, maybe he will forget about our little agreement. And i'll keep mum.. And if he does remember, then i guess i will just project my fears on him. Frankly, it is his fears that i have just shared. But for some queer reason, it scares me as well. Guess its a good thing. Only shows that both of us treasure what we have.
I've slept with a couple of people in my life. And frankly, non of them ever stayed long enough except Guardian, and even he walked in the end. Is it really something wrong with me or is it that what uncle Time said before is true... Don't sleep with a man you want to marry. Is that then, the conclusion to this confusing problem? That i should just not sleep with him?

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