Well, i guess with the whole sequence of events, i cannot or rather i refuse to even share how i feel. Or merely coz i really dun know how i feel. I know it was a sad day. It was meant to be with all the things that had happened. I know i felt upset. And yet i know, it went away as swiftly as it came.
It took me a long time to believe again. And now, i guess i don't anymore. Whats the point of walking out of thinking that it was a position sealed when i walked away less then a week later with nothing. No expectations, no disappointments.
Why tell me that i'm the best for the job and take it all away?
And why never share with me how u feel about the direction i was taking when you could have said something and i would have stopped and changed?
Or even walk in the direction that i was supposed to go?
Whats this about the company expanding too fast to not allow me more time for trial and error?
Why is it when you felt that i was not suited for the job, never voice it out at all to me?
What made you think that if you didn't say anything i would know that i was going in the wrong direction and that i would figure it out on my own?
Why do you have coaches in your programs?
Isn't that what a coach or mentor does?
To constantly guide or steer you in the correct direction?
Why did you choose to keep mum everytime i asked if it was alright and oki?
So many whys, so little answers.
Coz you came highly recommended and i thought you would figure it out in due time. So why didn't you even give me a chance of getting it right? Had you opened your mouth, i might have gone in that direction you wanted or were looking towards instead of figuring it out on my own.
If i can't even get a simple job done, how then can i do greater things in life?
If i am not meant for the job, why let me through all the stages of the auditions?
Do i come back and coach and would your perspective of me ever change?
Do i have a point to prove and will i be able to prove it?
After i've proven it then what next?
Will i ever find another job that pays me the same or even more and allow me to grow and yet have someone to mentor me while i am at it?
Was i ever any good to start off with?
Too many questions. Mind's exploding. If i didn't take the step to being a trainer, i would not have been disappointed. I should have kept things at status quo. Another reason to keep things as it is. Why was i greedy? And is this the price i have to pay?
I worry coz i know it took a damn long time to start believing. I don't believe anymore. And i don't want to share what i feel with people again. Coz i know damn sure it hurts. Or it is meant to hurt. You ask me how i feel, I tell you i feel nothing. Maybe a tinge of disappointment. Not with the people involved. But with myself.
At this juncture, i guess all bets are off. There goes my holiday to Hong Kong. There goes disneyland. I cannot share how i feel, coz i don't know how to feel. Or maybe coz i choose this way. Do i deserve to be happy?
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