Wednesday, August 27, 2008

李聖傑-手放开

Jay Chou - Feng

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

What a joke, have a laugh

I was reading through some of my older post. Basically i was reading through my whole blog. Not out of sheer boredom or frustration. But rather because i was looking for an earlier post. But i couldn't find it. Instead, i read and re read some of the stuff that i wrote in some of my more reflective moments. And as i sit here waiting, willing for the phone to beep, an email to come in, i realise once again that my life, despite me not wanting it to happen has come to a standstill.
But that is not the joke. That is not what you need to laugh about. Remember the poem of the Street? Yes. That street. I'm that idiot walking down that very same street. If you can't remember that, then for easier reference, just go back to the very first post i ever made on this blog. Somewhere in Jan 2005. And history repeats itself all over again.
The joke's really on me. I remember writing. Because i did fall in love.
Anyway, in that old post, if i can vaguely remember, i was also waiting and willing for the phone to ring. I was also sitting in office, worried till death, 100 and 1 thoughts running through my head, me wondering what is going on, have we broken up, are things fine with him. First were the feelings of anxiety. Is is ok? Is everything fine? Did something happen. Then it just goes crazy from there. Is this his way of breaking up with me? Did i finally push over the edge because of what i wrote? Did i in wanting to help him increase his frustrations and confusion. Oh my. I have no idea.
All i can say is, i am in the exact same situation that i was in what, 3 1/2 years back? Story is this. Met a man. Didn't think it was safe to fall in love with him. Didn't want to fall in love with him in fact. Worried that i would get hurt. Fell in love after the sweet nothings and the attention. Started placing more importance in him then any other aspect of my life. Started giving in more and more because i just wanted to be with him. Everytime he pushed, i took a step back. With each step, i suddenly woke up and realised that i had taken so many steps back that i was once again too deep into it.
Suddenly, he has a change of heart, or he isn't as available as he has made himself out to be. Or he says he's confused and lost. Same old same old. Same story, different man. End of the day, the joke's on me. You really can't point a finger at them men. After all, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, same on me. And all i can say at this point is shame on me. For once again, i have choosen to give in to my heart instead of listening to my head like i should have.

My words

Another one of those days that i have been unable to come up with any concrete solutions. In fact, i feel like things have taken a turn for the worse since i have returned back from HK. Sure, life goes on. Sure, at the end of the day, we'll probably look back at all the things we are facing right now and have a good laugh about things and wonder why we were so worried about it in the first. Or we might just end things because it is just too tiring, too pointless to strive to take another step forward when there is nothing infront to look forward to.
I guess in many ways, our relationship is at the stage where we are deciding whether we should take the first step into the desert. What is in the desert? Why would you want to go to the bloody desert for? The trials, the uphill task is just too great even if someone casually mentioned that the view might be spectacular. But the point is this. How can it be verified? At this point of time, we only have a vague idea that if we lug our heavy laden backpacks and set off in the desert, we might find some spectacular sight and at the end of the arduous journey, our efforts, time, sweat,tears would all be paid off. But the question that we have to ask ourselves is this. Is it really wise to take off on a whim and fancy, when end of the day, we might not live to see the setting sun?
That while in the desert, faced with all the adversities and dangers that the desert has in stored, will we die of dehydration, will we run out of food and water, will we lose our way, will we die of heat stroke, will we be devoured by wild animals that roam the desert and if we survive all those, will we see that supposed spectacular sight. Or are the odds so badly stacked against us that we might as well give up right now, laugh about the fact that we once had such a silly dream. A dream that might or might not have worked out and be pleased by the fact that for a while, even if it was a really short while, we transported ourselves from the grim world and life we lived in and managed to indulge in our fantasies?
I guess end of the day, i wouldn't know would i? I also know that i really 动真情 at the end of the day. I suppose there is this chinese saying that i find is a summary of all my relationships till date. 不在乎天长地久,只在乎成经拥有。I guess maybe it's just coz i haven't met the correct guy just yet. I'm sure i will one day. But if i don't, then at least i can say it's better to have loved and to fail then not to have loved at all.
Truth is, i really did fall in love. =)

Monday, August 25, 2008

My words to you.

Adversity has always gone both ways. People who go into battles always have two outcomes. They either return from battle dead on their shields or stronger, despite or because of their scars. In short, adversity constantly brings out the best or worst in a person.

I have mentioned once to you that i didn't believe you'll hold out when things got tough. That you'll run at the first sign of danger or problems. You didn't strike me as someone who would fight a battle with me, just because you either didn't have the confidence or didn't believe or love me enough. And yet, as Robert Frost once wrote in my favourite poem, 'two roads diverged in a wood, and I' I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.'
I guess either because of your personality or your sweet words, or the beautiful things that you did for me that no one else has ever done before, i fell in love with you. You wrote me an sms the other that. That was probably the words that rang the loudest in my heart. When i first met you, i was afraid to like you, then i know i like you, i was afraid to love you, and now that i love you, i'm afraid to lose you. I suppose that would probably summarize my feelings of our relationship till date.

I remembered struggling for a while when it came to you. Somehow, you caught my attention. Somehow, you managed to make me believe in chemistry, love. And yet, i often wonder with you, that when the going got tough, would you choose to stay or walk away. I wanted desperately to believe that you truly love me. That love conquers all. And yet, i know that it isn't true. Sometimes love carries us into the abyss, taking with us, to make matters worse, the people we love.

I can understand that the last two days have been tough on you. I cannot stand one side and judge your relationship with her. I suppose for you to be so worried, so upset, so concerned, for you to not be able to stand up to her, you must love and care for her a lot. And you must feel that you need her in your life a lot. That i cannot fault you. For i have known this from the first day we held hands, from the moment we locked lips. But i guess i still chose to walk down that road. The less travelled road, only because i was either naive or stupid enough to believe that you were going to be strong enough for the both of us. But as the weekend drew to a close, i realized that it was once again my silly heart that was finding enough excuses for the both of us.

I told you earlier this evening, that i wasn't angry with you. I am seldom angry with the person i date when things don't work out well. In general, i am probably a little more upset with myself for once again letting my heart rule over my head. Disappointed in my ability to read a person. Upset that my judgement could once again be so wrong. But in the two days, i waited patiently for you to give me a reassuring sign. If you believe that a woman who is so madly in love with you could be so nonchalant about the things that have gone on, then, either you did not understand and feel the overwhelming love i have for you, or you merely do not understand me as a person. Or maybe, in your eyes, i was always secondary. Something that could have been easily discarded and disposed of when the going got tough. You can't measure love the way you can the length of a road or the height of a building.

The emotions that i have gone through in the last 48 hrs have been torturous. From the moment she called while i was sitting next to you in the car, from having to call her to tell her it was all a misunderstanding, from you barely smsing me, from you leaving club to go home and the only words you had for me was don't sms or call me when i'm home. And the hardest of all was having to put on a smiling face in front of you and having to reassure you, when i needed just as much reassurance myself. I asked you to put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would want me to do. But for the whole weekend, you gave me no indication. Merely telling me to not text you or call you. I was sad when a couple of times, i texted you to tell you i loved you, that as long as i know you love me, i was willing to stand by you, waiting for you to give me back something reassuring, you didn't. And i was left to wonder whether you truly cared. I can only go on even if it doesn't make sense and to trust in you when you have given me an indication and talked to me about things. And yet, in front of you, i have had to pretend. To put on a mask to hide my sadness so as not to worry those who love me and care about me.

Yes, i know that you said you didn't want to agitate her. And i would have gladly told you to spend the evening with her tonight if you had just taken my hand, given me a hug and tell me that no matter what, i'll still be your little princess, your darling, your lao por. That you would find a way through this mess to make things work. But i felt like for the last 48 hrs, you gave me the impression that you were only thinking about your own plans, and that i was non privy to them and not included in them. The truth is this. Unless you stand up for us, i cannot do so. But if even there is a slightest doubt about us, then, we might as well kiss goodbye now.

Coz my point is this, once she is suspicious, she will be for a long time. It is a very woman thing. I can only pray hard that you think that you understand her well enough to know that her actions today will not be her actions in the future. Because if it is, and you keep caving, then i obviously walked down a wrong road.

I'm not leaving you on your own. I've said, as long as i know you still want me by your side, i will never walk away. I can say with confidence because i know that is the way i deal with matters of the heart. However, your words and your actions have to be one. You see, end of the day, i am still just a woman. I am still just waiting for the man i love and who loves me to take care of me, to protect me. To hold me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be ok. Then, i can actually believe that things are fine. But if even you are not sure, then pray tell, who do i turn to?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

In Hong Kong

Have been in Hong Kong since Friday. Haven't had the chance to blog because unlike the last time i was back, both computers are down at Auntie Ros and Auntie Chris's place. So no choice. Cannot check email, cannot blog. But quite glad i still remember which were the coffee joints that have internet access. So just take it that i am having pacific coffee and surfing. =)

The trip to Hong Kong was rather disappointing. Quite upset with the level of service with Cathay Pacific. The flight was supposed to be at 10.15am. But due to some technical problems, we could not take off. So we were told to wait for about half hour while they sort things out. The captain made the announcement. So, we were literally baking in the sun. And we waited once again for some form of news after half hour. It didn't come. About an hour later, we were told that the problem was taking longer then expected to solve and that we had to disembark from the plane. So we waited for another half hour, before we were finally let off the plane. By then it was close to 12 noon. There was an announcement that was made that all people who had connecting flights were to be transferred to other planes. So while we were sitting at the holding area, many names were called and people left to join other flights.
The rest of us, who were just heading to Hong Kong, had no news. We were given sandwiches and asked to wait patiently. So we waited for another half hour, before we were told that the plane would only be able to take off at 4.30pm. Which was like another 4 hours away. No news after that was give to us once again. And we sat like idiots waiting. Finally, at about 1pm, we were told that they could not transfer us to any other flight because many of the flights were full. And that the mechanic mentioned that he might be able to repair the plane by 2.30p. So thinking we had about an hour to burn, decided to go have coffee and a smoke break. After smoking, we heard the announcement asking us to head to the gate to board the plane. So, we headed to the gate. It was close to 2 by then. And we sat there and waited for another hour before they let us board the plane.
I guess i could understand that no one expects to have technical difficulties. And that checks are constantly done to ensure such a thing doesn't happen. But what i was upset with was that there was not PR person to step forward to explain things to us, to reassure us, or to make arrangements for those that were heading to Hong Kong. At the same time, some of their ground staff was losing their cool at the people who were asking what time we would get to HK and all. They were not patient and showed no signs of any customer service. Anyway, managed to get to HK safe and sound. Headed to Gu Ma's place to dump my luggage and had dinner with her. Was really tired so headed off to bed early.
Woke up pretty early coz slept early on Saturday. Was awake about 8plus. But no one was up yet. So i lazed around, showered, smoked and watch the olympics. Went for breakfast with Gu Ma and auntie Christine and auntie Amy after that before taking a bus into Yuen Long to have lunch with Granny and Tiffany and my baby niece. My baby niece is so so cute. Will upload pictures of her when i get back. But she is so adorable. Or is that my biological talking =P
Then shopped with Gu Ma and Tiffany for a while, before meeting Uncle for dinner at Yuen Long. After dinner, headed out to Mongkok to mit the parents to accompany them shopping. There wasn't anything i wanted to see there, or shop. So basically just walked with them, chatted a little. Left Mongkok finally at 11pm. Then Auntie Christine and Auntie Amy called and asked if i wanted to have red wine at their place. So off i went to their place for red wine. We sat around and chatted and smoke, and drank. The next time we looked at the clock, it was 4am. Whoa. Decided to hurry back to grab some sleep coz meeting the parents for breaky. It was not a very long walk back to Gu Ma's place, but walking alone on the streets of HK at 4am in the morning was an experience. Not very much different from S'pore i suppose. But still, maybe coz i don't feel as safe so was quite scared. hee..
Blog ltr.. talking to Darling now...

Friday, August 15, 2008

Headin off to Hong Kong

I should be really glad that i'm going back to HK. But somehow, i don't feel all excited and cheery about it. I don't know if it's coz i really miss Darling already and am thinking of many many more days without him. Or i'm pretty broke now and won't enjoy the whole shopping experience as much. I guess there are loads that i look forward to in Hong Kong. Stuff like Krispy Kreme. Shopping at Mongkok, cheap bargains. Seeing the cousins, although now that they are married, will probably and have all moved out, would see them less. Honestly, i miss Darling. Ok. That must be it. I'm a little gloomy coz i'm thinking many many more days of not seeing him. Kinda weird i guess. Coz ever since we've known each other, we've practically seen each other every other day.
Finished packing, should be sleeping. But i wanted to write Darling an email. But he hasn't even replied my previous one. So not sure if i should be flooding his inbox. But i so very much want to tell him i miss him. I so very much want to hear his voice. Still thinking if i will go to the beach, or go to the swimming pool and whether i should pack my swimwear, or my gym gear. Ha.
Anyway, the evening was a pleasant one. Met up with TG for dinner at Reddot. Nice place. He has a knack for choosing all these really really quaint places that i adore. Anyway, we chatted, had dinner. It was basically a chill out session plus catching up session. He's going to be real busy the next 2 months before he flies off to Canada. And while we were out chatting, i've realized that i've missed his presence in my life. It's funny really. I miss his wise words, the way he puts things in perspective for me, and maybe also because of his depth of experience, he can always philosophize the things that i share with him about. Not so much miss his company but miss the bond that we used to have. He's always been like a mentor to me. And today, while dining, i noticed that he has once again aged a lot. I guess that happens often to men after their 50s. Each year seems to add on 10 years on their faces. Anyway, it's a pity he's going to KL and Indonesia the next couple of days and won't return to Hong Kong until after i get back. If not we could probably do dinner and drinks back in Hong Kong. TG was a little emo tonight as well. Haven't seen him like this for a while now. I guess age really is catching up on him and he made this statement that while you have been fighting this battle all your life, when you grow older, it naturally comes out.
He was sharing with me that during dinner with his colleagues earlier on this week, he asked to say some stuff and share some of his thoughts and he caused quite a couple of them to cry. I guess my take of TG hasn't changed after all these years. He's just a soft man with a hard exterior. I remember all those times when he patiently guided me through my problems. How he always manages to calm me down after a horrid session with the boss or at work. Conflict with friends. How he patiently listened to me over the phone while i was debating the pros and cons of leaving the industry. How he encouraged me constantly to better myself. How he teases me about the men that i date and my consistently bad choices of men. Anyway, he was pretty emo tonight and i guess maybe, just maybe, he's been flying around so much for the last 12 years, that he's come to realize that no where is really called home. And end of the day, home is really just being around with the people who care deeply about you and you wanting to help them grow and see them successful. I'm glad his luncheon has managed to make him see what i have failed to make him see all these years. I guess that's life. Brings you on a journey only to bring you back to the starting point when the time is right and when the lessons need to be learnt. I'm glad for him. Glad that he's beginning to open himself up and see that the world is not such a hard and cruel place after all. =) Maybe i need to be schooled in that lesson as well?
Oh well, time to hit the sack. 4 hrs of sleep. Hope my Darling text me tomorrow. Torn really. Between the need to protect him and the want to just text him at free will. But i guess, needs triumph over wants on any day. Nitey Nitez.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The whole week

Haven't really been posting except for the MTVs that i thought was quite nice. Wanted to write a long post but haven't had the time to sort it all out and the time to sit down and seriously do some blogging. Finally! So, last post was last Thursday when i went to watch Dark Knight, and wanting to meet Darling. This was how Friday onwards went.
Friday morning, woke up smsing Darling. Managed to meet him. Guess keeping my fingers crossed really works. Hee.. Accompanied him for his medical appointment at Equity Plaza. Had breaky with him. Then while heading back, he said he had to go home for a while. Was actually quite sad. Was hoping to spend a while longer with him. But after some phone calls and smses, he came by to my place and we hung out for a while more before he headed to work. In the afternoon, Pic called to say he had FIR concert tickets. But must go collect them at SunPlaza. Then i asked Jaja whether she wanted to watch. But she said she didn't really like FIR. So we decided to give it a miss, and go for dinner at Vivo instead. Was quite looking forward to it coz i haven't been to Vivo in the longest of time. Anyway, i went to help Pic pick up the tickets, and then went to Bugis to pass the tix to Joanne and Jasmine. Then Jaja smsed to say she going to attend a friend's bday party. Was pretty upset at first. Like, the only reason why i didn't go for the FIR concert was because i didn't want to leave her alone. Then also sian coz already told Pic i was not going over to his place for dinner. Then Darling also tell me that he not free to see me because he had to bring his family out for dinner. So, because i was feeling a little moody and grumpy, i decided to go home and take a nap before waking up and seeing if i wanted to go DF or Butterfactory. Reached home, and saw Darling's sms. Apparently he was free already and asked if i wanted to hang out. Conclusion of Friday was, everything happens for a reason. If i had gone out with Jaja at Vivo, then i wouldn't have seen Darling. If i had gone to Pic's place for dinner, i also wouldn't have seen Darling. So we managed to hang out for a while before we both went home. Then Pic smsed to say he was at DF. Mich smsed also. But i was tired. Very tired. Very contented. And very in love and decided to call it an early night. Ok, not so early. But it was like 1ish.
Saturday was another beautiful beautiful day. Darling sms me in the morning again. He had gone to do some charity thingee. So was rather surprised to see his sms. Of course it brightened up my day. So the morning started well and i was happy. Then subsequently, he said he wanted to bring me out for lunch. Which was like way way cool coz i usually don't get to see him on Saturdays if he doesn't work. So he brought me out, we had a really nice meal together. At a decent price even before we headed home. It was National Day. So he said wanted to watch national day parade on tele. Then i reached home, decided that i wanted to nap for a while. I've been constantly tired. Not sure why also. Also waiting for Pic to reply to my sms. Coz he sms to say he was pissed that i didn't go DF. Then i told him that i will buy him dinner. He say want dinner and movie. So i said ok. Ask him how many people were going and he said not confirm because he had sprained his ankle. But i felt at least i had appeased him a bit. Hee... Then Pic woke me up from my sleep at about 7 and said he wanted to eat KFC. Ask me pack KFC to his place. So i ask him issit we watching movie, then he say after dinner then decide. Reached his place, then he said he had to go Sentosa for something. Then ask me be his driver coz Jamie was tired. So ok lor. Then after Sentosa, Pic said Wen Biao and Lindy were at Partyworld and ask if i wanted to go. Quite long never go partyworld liaoz, so off we went. But i am either getting old or really losing my stamina. Coz by about 3am, i was damn tired. But they were obviously not done singing yet. So they extended another hour i think. And finally we left at 4ish. Then wanted to quickly send him home. But Lindy and Wen Biao ask us go eat wanton mee. So we went to Tanglin Halt for wanton mee. Then finally dropped Pic off at his place before heading home. Was so tired. Fell asleep at about 6 in the morning. Yawn
Sunday was a day of mixed emotions i guess. Woke up and once again saw Darling's sms. But could tell from his sms that he was a little worried about me. So i texted him back. But he sounded grumpy from his replies. And in one of his sms, he said he was a little moody. Also didn't know what to do, but just told him we going to meet up later tonight already. Then ask him to cheer up. By afternoon, he sent me an email saying he was moody and why he felt that way. Aiyo. He said he felt jealous. *Faint* Anyway, i replied his email, tried to console him and wasn't even sure if he was still going to meet me to bring me to Vivo in the evening. Was quite sad because i actually wanted to bring him there and buy him a present. Was just in a mood to pamper him. But throughout our whole shopping trip, he was still moody moody. No mood to shop. So in the end go dinner instead. Actually i saw this top at adidas. Quite similar to this hush puppy shirt he has. Then wanted to buy it then when we go out can wear. So like got couple t shirt. But because he was in such a grumpy mood, i also never tell him. In fact, i had planned the evening for him already. But when i suggested my plan to him, he wasn't very keen. I didn't want to push the issue because i was already rather disappointed and upset by then. But the night ended alright coz eventually we went to our favourite place to hang out and chill out. Chatted and headed home.
Monday morning, Darling had to be home after work so didn't manage to get to meet him. Then was supposed to have a meeting in the evening, so cannot see him also. Was quite gloomy. Coz knowing he was going away this week, we had little time to spend with each other this week. He told me he had dinner plans on Tuesday and Wednesday evening and thursday evening he would be away for his holiday already. But no choice. So didn't see him in the morning. Then my meeting got cancelled, so decided to go home after appointment. Then damn funny thing happened. I called Darling to ask if he was free just for a while to come over to my place coz parents were out. So, he popped by my place before going home. Then all of a sudden, my mum came home. Horror of horrors. And she knew there was someone at home. Anyway, Darling was stuck in my room for a while. Maybe less then half an hour. But if felt like hours lor. Was so damn worried. Worried my mum would see him, then make trouble for him. Then was thinking that he was going to be late. That his plans would be disrupted and he would be grumpy and angry with me again. Anyway, managed to smuggle him out of my room before mum saw him. But he left his shoes at my place and ran barefoot downstairs and drove off. At that point of time, it so wasn't funny. But now, looking back, damn hilarious lah. Like something you will find in a drama serial only. Haa.. Anyway, he managed to come out for a while after that and we met up. I thought it was sweet of him because i was quite affected by the almost getting caught thing.
Tuesday morning, was when Darling and I actually had a date with each other. He was really sweet, spent time with me and bought be present. Hehe.. Then not supposed to see him in the evening, but we managed to meet up again, and we went for dinner together. Was nice really. Hehe. Then also dun know why, our conversation in the car got really serious and then also my fault lah. I got a little emo when he talked about my life, my past. Like he always has the idea that i'm very proud of my past. But that's not true lor. I think when he asked me what i was passionate about in my life, that was when the first tear dropped. I suppose i just really need to think hard about it. Anyway, we parted late. Didn't even realise it was so late. We got carried away i suppose. But was kinda worried coz when we were talking, i asked him some questions. And every time i ask him questions, he will get emo the next day. =( But we both decided it was late and headed home. Plus we were going to meet in the morning anyway.
Wednesday, morning already had sad sad news. He said he couldn't meet up with me. Then i like quite sian coz i was really looking forward to it. And he flying off on Thursday and i flying off on Friday. So we would not get to see each other for many days after that. I'm not sure if it was the questions i posed the night before that got him upset and therefore he didn't want to see me or what. Anyway, he whole day just like bo chup bo chup me. So i also dunno what's wrong. Then didn't get much chance to talk to him. Just sms him back and forth. And then all his sms also never say he love me or anything. So started to feel a little more insecure. Then managed to see him for a while in the evening to see a client. But after the appointment, he was like quite irritated and edgy. I also didn't know what to say at that point of time because the whole day had been sorta lousy. And i just didn't want to push the issue already. Anyway, i told him i was going to watch movie with Pic and Jamie in the evening since he was going for dinner. Then he also never say anything. Until much later in the evening, he smsed to ask me not to go home so late. But things just went downhill from there. Smses flew back and forth. And misunderstandings grew. I felt like he was rather sarcastic. His replies were horrid. But the last straw was when he implied i called Pic my darling. Anyway, already quite sian about the whole day, the initial smses. So didn't go watch movie with Pic and Jamie. Then just decided i didn't want to fight with him. Coz going away already. Then i know if he is upset with me, i also would be unhappy. If he is unhappy, i also will be unhappy. So i just tell him i was going to sleep. At least put a stop to all the smses. Then no more misunderstandings can occur. Actually i don't really like to communicate through sms. I think it sometimes can get misleading. Flirting via sms is fine. Communication really needs to be done through words.
Finally, thursday morning. Spent a little time with him this morning. We had a short talk. Anyway, at least it seems like we're both no longer upset with one another. So that's cool. He's gone off to KL and i'm flying off tomorrow. Nothing much to update. Depending on my mood and how bored i am in HK, i'll then decide whether to blog. But basically, that was the week summed up. Not really summary lah.
Hmm.. i miss my Darling already. Wonder what he is doing now. Wish i was there with him though. But i guess i wish he could go Hong Kong with me more. Anyway, later. Going to leave ofc liaoz. Hee...

This was from him to me via ecard yesterday:
亲爱的宝贝

今天是跟你在一起的第92天。
我们在一起的酸甜苦辣,只有我们自己心里知道。
生活中的痛苦永远比甜蜜清晰,我们都伤害过彼此。
我们为了不一样的事情争执过上百次,
有些事情现在想起来都觉得幼稚。

虽然我们的爱情是酸甜苦辣,我曾经甚至怀疑。
怀疑我们最终是否能走到最后。
很多人说我们是不可能的。
伤害你,伤害了我最爱的你。
我让你灰心,我让你不再相信我们的爱情。
我甚至让你有了不再那么爱我的错觉。

你曾经对我说:“宝贝我也会疼啊。”
短短的一句话,我会想起,心中都有说不出的心疼。
有的时候我觉得自己罪大恶极。
我怎能这样伤害自己的宝贝?
我心中曾经默默的对自己发誓。
以后不管你做什么我都不能动怒。
就算有什么情绪也要自己调整,不能让你为难。
以后你要是不开心了,我要竭尽所能哄你开心。
以后你要是有什么心事了,我一定要第一个察觉。

自从我们聊过之后,我才发现自己的情绪。
深深的影响到了我们的关系,我不喜欢这样。
所以我觉得要调整自己,要好好面对我们的问题。
你说,你也会帮我的,让我慢慢调整,你也会调整自己。
我好开心,真的由衷地高兴,我第一次深深地觉得。
就算两个人在一起,只要心是在一起的,一切都不会是问题。

其实,爱一个人很简单。
所以,我只要,静静地爱你。
全神贯注的,一心一意的爱着你。
只要你还需要我,我就永远在你身边。
就算有一天你不再爱我了,我对你的爱也不会停止。
我会永远静静地爱着你。

I love You my little princess.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Today

Today. While i write about what happened today, it would have already passed. So, it's more like a history rather then the future. But anyway, i only thought of this title coz i wasn't sure how to title my post. Hee
Today started off rather well. I woke up, was feeling kinda tired from chatting with Jaja till late last night. But other then feeling tired, i was smsing darling in the morning. And after some sms back and forth, we agreed to meet each other up for a while. More like he was going to come pick me up, send me to appt and we could have breakfast together still. It was a really nice gesture coz if he didn't we wouldn't be able to meet all day since our schedules were quite packed. It was very sweet and i was touched.
So morning went like this, met him, went to office to pick up some documents, went for breakfast and went for appointment. Appointment went alright. Was a close. Although have yet to pick up the cheque. Then walked around Bugis for a while. It's been a while since i last shopped. Felt quite disconnected with the world actually. But wanted to find him something nice. Dunno why also just wanted to buy him something nice and practical. Maybe sort of like a cheering up present coz he's been so stressed lately. Walked around for a bit, but didn't manage to find anything. Like it has to be something practical. But more importantly, it has to be something that he doesn't have problems explaining when he got home.
Anyway, left after a while coz my laptop bag was damn heavy. Headed back to office to submit some paperwork, then headed off to town to meet the next client. As usual, she was like late for an hour. But that was fine too. I was prepared. Figured that the MRT ride would be boring so brought a book along. And it was nice, just sitting at coffee bean reading my book. It's been a while since i sat at some coffee joint, smoking and reading. Appointment was alright. Did some catching up, did some discussions before another friend/client pop by coz she was around the area. Chatted a little and they both went off. Was super duper hungry by then. I realized i didn't have lunch. Hmm....
Couldn't decide what to eat. So figured i would probably have dinner at Burger King. Fast and convenient i guess. Then Darling surprised me by smsing me. It was really sweet. And the timing couldn't have been more perfect. Coz i had just ended appointment and was just sitting at BK having dinner on my own. But it was nice to see his smiley face sms. Sweet.... =) Was really happy to see the sms. Coz was already mentally prepared after chatting with him on the phone earlier on in the afternoon that the next sms i get from him would be a good nite sms. But he texted me in between and the wait to the night sms was shortened considerably. Must give him an additional kiss tomorrow for his thoughtfulness.
Jaja called after that and since we both didn't know what to do, decided to go catch a show. Went to watch Dark Knight at Tiong Bahru Plaza. She got the car, so didn't have to come home and pick up the van. The show was really good. Make up, special effects etc. Only gripe i have about the show was the less then ideal ending. What is ideal, dun ask me. But the ending was a little of a let down. Anyway, in the middle of the show, Darling sms to say he had gotten home. That was also very sweet. Like he remembered. But quite cute, during the show, both Jaja and I were clutching our phones. Hee.. But i was more lucky i guess. My phone beeped. And it was indeed my Darling. =)
Jaja sent me back and we chatted for a while downstairs. I guess in my own way, i'm glad for now at least there is someone who understands and is walking down the same path as me. Our conversation last night and today made me view my relationship with Darling in a different light and perspective. And it was nice to get a brand new perspective. And judging by the events that happened today, then i guess things are working out nicely and just fine. I just need to constantly remind myself to ask less questions and generally have less expectations. That's the dynamics of this relationship. But whatever the case, i'm glad and very happy that he texted me twice. Bonus! =)
And in my own way, i'm also happy today because i got to spend some me time. It's been a while since i last caught a show, i last sat at a coffee joint and read a book. So on the whole, i must say it was an extremely upbeat day. Only downside was that i really missed him quite a bit today. Not sure how it's going to be if we don't get to see each other for a couple of days running. Although i'm currently trying to prepare myself mentally. Oh well, when tomorrow comes really. No point brooding. I texted him to say i missed him and would like to see him tomorrow morning. But he didn't reply. So not sure if he'll see me tomorrow morning, but will be keeping my fingers and toes crossed. Alright, time to hit the sack. Nitey nitez nitez!

This was a message he wrote to me on 7th August via a card:
Sorry for creating so many problems for you and make you feel so sad in our relationship......... Honestly, I do appreciate your accompany, love, caring, patient, put in effort, understanding ...........and every things you do it for me, i really want to say thank you to you my sweety.

Yes, I admit that this few weeks I have a little bit of emotion. I guess too many things come in one short, which i also don't how to handle it. There are too many things for me to solve and worries, once I can't find any solution or answer, I will felt lost and don't what to do, I will be very emotion. Further more, if any things out of my control and not organize, and I will also feel frustration and emotion too. Hope you understand my feeling. I try my best to understand your feeling too.

I guess, you can feel that I also try my best to put in some effort to make things work. Hope our relationship will last forever and ever.

We always know that the time we spent together is very short and less, hope we will cherish the time we spent together, whatever we are sharing. Of'cos all the good one la, not the bad one. I want you to feel good when you are together with me.

Ok, better stop here, if not people will say me long winded... hee .................... hee.

I love you....... Take care..

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Self Worth

Of late, i have been feeling some really mixed feelings. At times, when i'm feeling more centred i ask myself where this is heading. Why of late, there have been fights, there have been mis-understandings, and worse of all, something that i'm struggling to deal with, why he seems to feel that i'm digging, that i'm not being truthful or i'm cheating on him. At times when i'm less centred, i apologize and wonder whether my actions may have unintentionally hurt him. What is tough is also at times, i'm not even sure where our misunderstanding comes from? Is it because of late we've both been too emotional? Is it of late there have been many things on both our plates? Have we over time become too sensitive to the things that are happening, the words that are said?
I enjoyed reading the stuff in his blog lots actually. But he took it all off earlier after we spoke about a post in his blog. I'm not sure why. I haven't had the chance to ask him. But it made me sad. Coz checking in on his blog made me feel connected to him in a way when he was home and i was cut out of his world.
Or maybe we both just need to be a little more centred. We both need to take a step back and ask ourselves what was it that made us fall in love with each other in the first place and whether we still saw that in each other. I know i do. Yesterday's experience made me realize just how important he was in my life. Just how much he meant to me. But i also have my pride. I also feel hurt when he jumps at me and says things that i'm doing when i've in fact not done anything. And i wonder, if he views me in such bad light, then maybe it's time to cool off and just be friends before he hates me one day for something i haven't done and i know i'll hurt even more.

Understanding you

Maybe i am too ignorant to even claim that i have loved. Or to have really loved a person. Maybe i've never loved. I just believe i have. Love is such a huge concept. Over rated if you ask the cynic within me. But more importantly, how does a person define love, understand love and at which point do you know you love a person. Many a times, our backgrounds, our understanding of things stems from the way and manner in which we were brought up. I guess i have a very utopia view about love. Yes, many people have told me once that it is impossible. And as time hardens to me, i feel too that there is no such love out there. But the interesting thing is that i've never expected my partner to attain that sort of utopia love. This utopia love is solely my personal benchmark.
I guess the conundrum is this. To love in my current relationship, i have heard the requests to be understanding. And at times when i feel strong and confident, i can gently remind myself of that. But in the instances that i am feeling insecure, lost, scared, the following question pops up in my head. And who would understand me? But i know i'm going to be giving my darn best. Not only because i have spoken the words out loud. But also because, if anything, i want to walk away knowing i've touched someone's life and someone's life is a little brighter because i've walked into their lives, even if it was for the briefest of moments.

Time and Love

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived:
Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of others
including Love.

However, one day it was announced
to the couples that the island would sink, so all
prepared their boats and left. Love was the only
one who stayed. Love wanted to stay until it
started sinking. When Love was almost sinkng, he
decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a beautiful boat.
Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No, I can't. There are a lot
of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place
here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by,
"Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love.
You are all wet and can probably damage my boat,"
Vanity answered.

Sadness was closed by so Love asked for help,
"Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so
sad that I prefer to go alone!"

Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy
that she did not listen when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take
you." It was an elderly. Love became very happy that
he even forgot to ask the name of the elderly. When
they arrived to the other side , Love asked Knowledge
who was the elderly. "It was Time." "Time? But why
did Time help me?" "Because only Time is capable of
understanding such a great Love."

P.S: Time is capable of solving anything. Things today
may not have a solution but tomorrow you will find one!

Fixing a broken heart

I wonder whether it's possible to fix a broken heart. I wanted to run out and inflict pain on my body, so that i would not feel the pain inside. But i also wanted to wait for him and see if there was a chance to see him.
I got my chance. We met. But i could see the disappointment in his eyes. And i once again teared. Teared that i have failed him. That i have screwed things up. That i have hurt him. And in so hurting him, i have hurt myself. I told him my heart ached. I read his postings on his blog, and i knew that he was hurt too.
I don't trust myself any longer. That the things i do, feel etc can inflict pain and hurt in another person. I looked into his eyes and felt far worse for i have hurt him. I so very much want to make it up to him. But is it possible to fix a broken heart?

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Can this be it?

Pain.... hurt.... Anger.... Disappointment..... Hate.......
Five very powerful emotions all mixed together into one. Directed inwardly. I feel like i've failed. Something so simple and so beautiful. I've ruined. I constantly find it harder to forgive myself as compared to forgiving others. I am lost. I just want to inflict the most excruciating physical pain on myself so that it can dull away the feelings i have inside. I desperately searched for a solution. I grasped at straws. But found myself clutching thin air.
Failure. Failed. I can only apologize for my mistakes. For the wrong i have done. And wished somehow, there was more i could do. And yet i knew, there was none. I screwed up. I fucked it up! I'm sorry!

Monday, August 04, 2008

Accumulative thoughts and feelings over the weekend.

I guess i'm not too sure myself. How can the things that i do constantly be wrong? I couldn't help wondering whether he was grumpy today because of the complaint or was it more because he didn't enjoy my company, or more so because i spent the night over at his place. I feel that i don't really know for sure any longer. Just like i don't know if i'll hurt him more in the long run. I remember saying once that it isn't supposed to be so tough. Love isn't meant to be like that. And i guess that's why i feel the way i do. That's why i don't want to fall in love, start a relationship. None of it has ever been right, felt right. I know none of these thoughts and feelings will arise if i just kept my heart to myself. That as long as i have my heart under lock and key, i'll be fine.
Feared gripped me and i was truly scared. Even if it was just for a while. I swear, if at that point, he had reached out to touch me, i would have flinched. He said he forgot that we were staying out and therefore didn't pack anything. I couldn't help but wonder if it's a test of whether i meant what i texted him earlier n the morning. Or whether he really wanted me. I guess i don't know even. But fear was in my heart when he leaned in to kiss me. I was scared. Suddenly, so suddenly i looked at this man standing in front of me and i felt like i didn't know anything about this man. I didn't know about his thoughts, what was he thinking of, i didn't know his intentions, what does he want from me, and his emotions, what is he feeling right now. I guess mostly coz he blows hot and cold so often that i am scared. I know he treats me well. But yet, while i was with him, i felt like no matter which way i went, it would eventually be wrong. Like someone was playing a very cruel trick on me. I was worried i'll piss him off. I was scared that something i do today might trigger unpleasant feelings of anger, guilt, unhappiness tomorrow. Scared that all i'm perpetuating are mistakes over mistakes and he would wake up the next day angry with me. I guess most importantly, i'm scared that he'll wake up in the morning and hate me coz i told him it would not happen again. I know it was my fault to have asked him to hug me to sleep. But bottom of my heart, i really wanted that. I know/feel we have limited chances to hug each other to sleep. I'm not sure. Should i stay the night or not? Is 1 night of happiness worth the unpleasant things that are to come tomorrow?
I did sleep over. And he was rather emotional and temperamental the whole night. For a while i was torn. Torn between the fact that he might be in pain coz his tummy was hurting and wanting to be there for him, versus, just wanting to head for the door, and go back home. HE was like a kid in many ways, like a kid throwing a tantrum. I knew he was in pain. He tossed and turned the whole night. And i couldn't sleep. Maybe at the back of my mind, i felt that as long as i didn't sleep, then it didn't count. He seemed agitated and mildly frustrated. I didn't know what to do . I thought it could be a tummyache. I tried to soothe his tummy as much as i could. But in the morning, he said he was fine. I was finally really really exhausted when he woke, told me he was fine. I fell asleep when he held me. I didn't even realize i was that tired.
I texted him a whole bunch of messages earlier. I said i was going to do my best to be understanding, patient and i really just want him to be happy. I'll be a friend when he needs a friend and his lover when he needs a lover. I want the best for him. Really i do. Anyway, i just hope end of the day, he's happy.
On the whole, the weekend was alright. Just a couple of hiccups that we managed to talk about. I love the moments we spend together and sometimes i wish i didn't have to share him with anyone. Sometimes i wish time would just stand still. But we all know that is impossible. So for now, i will just have to be contented to spend quality moments together. To cherish our times together. I guess that's about all i can do.

Song describes how i feel.... Wonder whether one day i'll be able to sing this song and a guy will sing this back to me and mean it. Sighz....

Saturday, August 02, 2008

What i feel like saying is.....

It was a generally upbeat day. I had fun, went out on a real date. The date was nice, ended pretty well i would say. But i don't suppose i'm meant to be very happy in my life. I don't suppose i'm meant to be very happy in any relationship. I think i can safely say that maybe i've angered the people up there. And therefore, for every happy moment i have in my life, i must pay back with a sad moment. Then in that case, i'll rather not have any more happy moments. Because, the sad moments just get to me.
I know he felt guilty even before he texted me this morning. Maybe i'm just pretty attuned to him already. I tried to think back to the things that happened last night and wonder whether i could have done things differently. Just like the other time before racing when he mentioned after that that he didn't want to see me on race days any more. I thought about whether i could have done things differently. And if i did, would the outcome have been different. Of course! What a stupid statement.
Today, i asked myself the same question. I told him it wouldn't happen again. Just like ever since our previous encounter that race day, i have a huge fear inside me whenever we get frisky and intimate. Last night, we had a conversation. And i remembered i told him i felt better being like Samantha in Sex in the City. Coz it's just so much easier. Two consenting adults coming together, without fear of repercussions. I really dunno.
I guess it didn't help that he didn't have a great morning and he was moody. And i tried to make him laugh, i tried to make him smile. But kinda hard when you don't get to see the person and all you see are some text messages appearing in your in box. Anyway, i beginning to see circles. That the furtherest distance you travel at the end of the day, leads me right back at the starting point.
Came home, fought with mum. I guess it could have been avoided. But there are only that many times i can switch off. End of the day, treasure the person who is in your sights, treasure the family that is still alive, coz no matter how many times you go to the grave and pray and how many joss-sticks you burn, the person is never going to know. So stop acting like a selfish brat. It isn't always about you!

Friday, August 01, 2008

Back to working out?

I really hope so. Haa... Have taken such a long break from training that i can't even remember what a hard workout is. Went to the pool, did an 'easy' session. And that's such a lie. Coz i've come to realise tat every time i say easy session, it's only coz i'm lazy to push myself and not coz it warrants one because of recovery. Anyway, rather disappointing swim i must add. I have effectively dropped back to the same fitness level i had when i started training in December.
Anyway, no time to whine about it. One thing's for sure in training. I think easily summed up with these words. Mileage, mileage, mileage. Splits, splits, splits. Push harder, kick harder. Run harder. Keep that HR up!
As for today's workout, did 100m warm-up, 1.5k swim in like 39min. Then did 2*300 pull buoy 7.35 and 7.38. And then 100 cool down. Mileage is about there. Speed is horrid if you ask me. But what do i expect, have laid off swimming for a while now. Back to the grind i hope.
Anyway, why am i swimming when i'm doing army half in 3 weeks time. Hmmm.. curious. Target for next week's mileage in the swim is 8km while the run is 30km? Let's ease back into things!

Wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little bit more for today



One step at a time.

Pick me ups



I love you!