Adversity has always gone both ways. People who go into battles always have two outcomes. They either return from battle dead on their shields or stronger, despite or because of their scars. In short, adversity constantly brings out the best or worst in a person.
I have mentioned once to you that i didn't believe you'll hold out when things got tough. That you'll run at the first sign of danger or problems. You didn't strike me as someone who would fight a battle with me, just because you either didn't have the confidence or didn't believe or love me enough. And yet, as Robert Frost once wrote in my favourite poem, 'two roads diverged in a wood, and I' I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.'
I guess either because of your personality or your sweet words, or the beautiful things that you did for me that no one else has ever done before, i fell in love with you. You wrote me an sms the other that. That was probably the words that rang the loudest in my heart. When i first met you, i was afraid to like you, then i know i like you, i was afraid to love you, and now that i love you, i'm afraid to lose you. I suppose that would probably summarize my feelings of our relationship till date.
I remembered struggling for a while when it came to you. Somehow, you caught my attention. Somehow, you managed to make me believe in chemistry, love. And yet, i often wonder with you, that when the going got tough, would you choose to stay or walk away. I wanted desperately to believe that you truly love me. That love conquers all. And yet, i know that it isn't true. Sometimes love carries us into the abyss, taking with us, to make matters worse, the people we love.
I can understand that the last two days have been tough on you. I cannot stand one side and judge your relationship with her. I suppose for you to be so worried, so upset, so concerned, for you to not be able to stand up to her, you must love and care for her a lot. And you must feel that you need her in your life a lot. That i cannot fault you. For i have known this from the first day we held hands, from the moment we locked lips. But i guess i still chose to walk down that road. The less travelled road, only because i was either naive or stupid enough to believe that you were going to be strong enough for the both of us. But as the weekend drew to a close, i realized that it was once again my silly heart that was finding enough excuses for the both of us.
I told you earlier this evening, that i wasn't angry with you. I am seldom angry with the person i date when things don't work out well. In general, i am probably a little more upset with myself for once again letting my heart rule over my head. Disappointed in my ability to read a person. Upset that my judgement could once again be so wrong. But in the two days, i waited patiently for you to give me a reassuring sign. If you believe that a woman who is so madly in love with you could be so nonchalant about the things that have gone on, then, either you did not understand and feel the overwhelming love i have for you, or you merely do not understand me as a person. Or maybe, in your eyes, i was always secondary. Something that could have been easily discarded and disposed of when the going got tough. You can't measure love the way you can the length of a road or the height of a building.
The emotions that i have gone through in the last 48 hrs have been torturous. From the moment she called while i was sitting next to you in the car, from having to call her to tell her it was all a misunderstanding, from you barely smsing me, from you leaving club to go home and the only words you had for me was don't sms or call me when i'm home. And the hardest of all was having to put on a smiling face in front of you and having to reassure you, when i needed just as much reassurance myself. I asked you to put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would want me to do. But for the whole weekend, you gave me no indication. Merely telling me to not text you or call you. I was sad when a couple of times, i texted you to tell you i loved you, that as long as i know you love me, i was willing to stand by you, waiting for you to give me back something reassuring, you didn't. And i was left to wonder whether you truly cared. I can only go on even if it doesn't make sense and to trust in you when you have given me an indication and talked to me about things. And yet, in front of you, i have had to pretend. To put on a mask to hide my sadness so as not to worry those who love me and care about me.
Yes, i know that you said you didn't want to agitate her. And i would have gladly told you to spend the evening with her tonight if you had just taken my hand, given me a hug and tell me that no matter what, i'll still be your little princess, your darling, your lao por. That you would find a way through this mess to make things work. But i felt like for the last 48 hrs, you gave me the impression that you were only thinking about your own plans, and that i was non privy to them and not included in them. The truth is this. Unless you stand up for us, i cannot do so. But if even there is a slightest doubt about us, then, we might as well kiss goodbye now.
Coz my point is this, once she is suspicious, she will be for a long time. It is a very woman thing. I can only pray hard that you think that you understand her well enough to know that her actions today will not be her actions in the future. Because if it is, and you keep caving, then i obviously walked down a wrong road.
I'm not leaving you on your own. I've said, as long as i know you still want me by your side, i will never walk away. I can say with confidence because i know that is the way i deal with matters of the heart. However, your words and your actions have to be one. You see, end of the day, i am still just a woman. I am still just waiting for the man i love and who loves me to take care of me, to protect me. To hold me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be ok. Then, i can actually believe that things are fine. But if even you are not sure, then pray tell, who do i turn to?
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