I guess i'm not too sure myself. How can the things that i do constantly be wrong? I couldn't help wondering whether he was grumpy today because of the complaint or was it more because he didn't enjoy my company, or more so because i spent the night over at his place. I feel that i don't really know for sure any longer. Just like i don't know if i'll hurt him more in the long run. I remember saying once that it isn't supposed to be so tough. Love isn't meant to be like that. And i guess that's why i feel the way i do. That's why i don't want to fall in love, start a relationship. None of it has ever been right, felt right. I know none of these thoughts and feelings will arise if i just kept my heart to myself. That as long as i have my heart under lock and key, i'll be fine.
Feared gripped me and i was truly scared. Even if it was just for a while. I swear, if at that point, he had reached out to touch me, i would have flinched. He said he forgot that we were staying out and therefore didn't pack anything. I couldn't help but wonder if it's a test of whether i meant what i texted him earlier n the morning. Or whether he really wanted me. I guess i don't know even. But fear was in my heart when he leaned in to kiss me. I was scared. Suddenly, so suddenly i looked at this man standing in front of me and i felt like i didn't know anything about this man. I didn't know about his thoughts, what was he thinking of, i didn't know his intentions, what does he want from me, and his emotions, what is he feeling right now. I guess mostly coz he blows hot and cold so often that i am scared. I know he treats me well. But yet, while i was with him, i felt like no matter which way i went, it would eventually be wrong. Like someone was playing a very cruel trick on me. I was worried i'll piss him off. I was scared that something i do today might trigger unpleasant feelings of anger, guilt, unhappiness tomorrow. Scared that all i'm perpetuating are mistakes over mistakes and he would wake up the next day angry with me. I guess most importantly, i'm scared that he'll wake up in the morning and hate me coz i told him it would not happen again. I know it was my fault to have asked him to hug me to sleep. But bottom of my heart, i really wanted that. I know/feel we have limited chances to hug each other to sleep. I'm not sure. Should i stay the night or not? Is 1 night of happiness worth the unpleasant things that are to come tomorrow?
I did sleep over. And he was rather emotional and temperamental the whole night. For a while i was torn. Torn between the fact that he might be in pain coz his tummy was hurting and wanting to be there for him, versus, just wanting to head for the door, and go back home. HE was like a kid in many ways, like a kid throwing a tantrum. I knew he was in pain. He tossed and turned the whole night. And i couldn't sleep. Maybe at the back of my mind, i felt that as long as i didn't sleep, then it didn't count. He seemed agitated and mildly frustrated. I didn't know what to do . I thought it could be a tummyache. I tried to soothe his tummy as much as i could. But in the morning, he said he was fine. I was finally really really exhausted when he woke, told me he was fine. I fell asleep when he held me. I didn't even realize i was that tired.
I texted him a whole bunch of messages earlier. I said i was going to do my best to be understanding, patient and i really just want him to be happy. I'll be a friend when he needs a friend and his lover when he needs a lover. I want the best for him. Really i do. Anyway, i just hope end of the day, he's happy.
On the whole, the weekend was alright. Just a couple of hiccups that we managed to talk about. I love the moments we spend together and sometimes i wish i didn't have to share him with anyone. Sometimes i wish time would just stand still. But we all know that is impossible. So for now, i will just have to be contented to spend quality moments together. To cherish our times together. I guess that's about all i can do.
Song describes how i feel.... Wonder whether one day i'll be able to sing this song and a guy will sing this back to me and mean it. Sighz....
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