What i feel like saying is.....

It was a generally upbeat day. I had fun, went out on a real date. The date was nice, ended pretty well i would say. But i don't suppose i'm meant to be very happy in my life. I don't suppose i'm meant to be very happy in any relationship. I think i can safely say that maybe i've angered the people up there. And therefore, for every happy moment i have in my life, i must pay back with a sad moment. Then in that case, i'll rather not have any more happy moments. Because, the sad moments just get to me.
I know he felt guilty even before he texted me this morning. Maybe i'm just pretty attuned to him already. I tried to think back to the things that happened last night and wonder whether i could have done things differently. Just like the other time before racing when he mentioned after that that he didn't want to see me on race days any more. I thought about whether i could have done things differently. And if i did, would the outcome have been different. Of course! What a stupid statement.
Today, i asked myself the same question. I told him it wouldn't happen again. Just like ever since our previous encounter that race day, i have a huge fear inside me whenever we get frisky and intimate. Last night, we had a conversation. And i remembered i told him i felt better being like Samantha in Sex in the City. Coz it's just so much easier. Two consenting adults coming together, without fear of repercussions. I really dunno.
I guess it didn't help that he didn't have a great morning and he was moody. And i tried to make him laugh, i tried to make him smile. But kinda hard when you don't get to see the person and all you see are some text messages appearing in your in box. Anyway, i beginning to see circles. That the furtherest distance you travel at the end of the day, leads me right back at the starting point.
Came home, fought with mum. I guess it could have been avoided. But there are only that many times i can switch off. End of the day, treasure the person who is in your sights, treasure the family that is still alive, coz no matter how many times you go to the grave and pray and how many joss-sticks you burn, the person is never going to know. So stop acting like a selfish brat. It isn't always about you!