A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift, A friend is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift, A friend is someone who fills our lives with beauty, joy, and grace.
And makes the whole world we live in a better and happier place.
You are a very unique individual and always have provided me with plenty of joy especially seeing you having a good time. If friendship is so important to us then we definitely do not want to do anything that will jeopardise our current relationship. Once we have crossed that fine line, it wld be difficult to go back - there is no way of return once you've crossed it....
Have also thought of that for sometime, and I don't want to take advantage of the situation. You need friends as well as intimate relationship with your love one(s), but they both offer different satisifaction/joy. It is difficult to have both and sometimes we have to choose either one.....
I enjoy to be your friend and am glad that you think my advice is valuable to you. Not always people can develop good realtionship based on such a simply value and without any expectations or return.
Glad that you treat me as your good friend and proud to be one. You have also made a difference in my life in many ways.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Letter to tour guide
As u begin to read this email, you might or might not know my purpose of writing this, you’ll notice that things will be clearer when you have finished reading the mail. Actually, it took a lot of courage to say whatever I said to you. And that only means that it was really bugging me for a long time and it came from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did.
In the almost 10 months that I’ve known you, you must already know how I feel about you as I have shared that with you a long time ago. You have really made a difference in my life at a time when I was so unsure about myself and who I really am. I felt that you were a person who was non-judgemental about friendship, thus I treasured what little time I had with you. Do not doubt for one minute that you played a really special part in my life and you were truly special. I considered for the longest of time if I should have broached on the topic. Like you, I did think about consequences and what might or might not happen. The mere thought of spoiling our friendship made me keep my mouth shut. I wanted very badly to express to you how much I feel for you as a person and that I found it hard to see you in a platonic manner.
I could say I was drunk when I spoke to you. But I know that would be a lie. I knew what I was doing. The only thing that wasn’t right was that my message didn’t come out sounding the way it should. Your friendship is important, and I can understand that sex does not dictate how our friendship turns. But I would rather you didn’t go away thinking that all I wanted was to sleep with you. I remembered the things you said before that you are not looking for a girl to just bed. Preferably someone who can have a decent conversation with you? I feel that way as well, which was why I finally broached the “forbidden” topic. It was tough, knowing that you are Superman’s friend as well. I know and believe that in your life, you’ve seen many different woman of diverse characters, and that only means that you will take whatever I said in your stride. I will always admire, respect and be in love with you. And I know that because you are a worldly man, we will still be good friends. I will respect your decision and most importantly, thank you for your friendship.
In the almost 10 months that I’ve known you, you must already know how I feel about you as I have shared that with you a long time ago. You have really made a difference in my life at a time when I was so unsure about myself and who I really am. I felt that you were a person who was non-judgemental about friendship, thus I treasured what little time I had with you. Do not doubt for one minute that you played a really special part in my life and you were truly special. I considered for the longest of time if I should have broached on the topic. Like you, I did think about consequences and what might or might not happen. The mere thought of spoiling our friendship made me keep my mouth shut. I wanted very badly to express to you how much I feel for you as a person and that I found it hard to see you in a platonic manner.
I could say I was drunk when I spoke to you. But I know that would be a lie. I knew what I was doing. The only thing that wasn’t right was that my message didn’t come out sounding the way it should. Your friendship is important, and I can understand that sex does not dictate how our friendship turns. But I would rather you didn’t go away thinking that all I wanted was to sleep with you. I remembered the things you said before that you are not looking for a girl to just bed. Preferably someone who can have a decent conversation with you? I feel that way as well, which was why I finally broached the “forbidden” topic. It was tough, knowing that you are Superman’s friend as well. I know and believe that in your life, you’ve seen many different woman of diverse characters, and that only means that you will take whatever I said in your stride. I will always admire, respect and be in love with you. And I know that because you are a worldly man, we will still be good friends. I will respect your decision and most importantly, thank you for your friendship.
Free
An enormous amount of things have happened since my last entry. I am simply amazed at how it is that one instant in life that changes everything. And how it is again that one instant that changes it back. I might begin to ponder about this and yet i know it was always lurking around. Now i feel free. Free for the first time after many years. It feels like a heavy burden has been lifted.
Module 2 of POE was an experience in more ways then one. I would not say that it was a life transforming course for me as in all ways, i have not changed. It did however, alter some perspectives that i've been harbouring for a long time. For a long time, i wanted to know who i was. What was my purpose in life and what i was here to do. I wanted to find myself before taking another step forward. However, i realise now that life is a journey of self discovery. That i didn't need to know who i was. All i had to know was what i had and how best to use the resources i had in me. The timeline exercise shocked me. Shocked me coz i didn't know how much my mind was trying to hide. It kept such a tight grip as it was unwilling to let go. I said that physically i was ready to move on. Yet in fact, i was not ready emotionally. I was so frightened of the prospect of the future that i just wanted to sit on my ass and wait for things to happen so that i could react to it.
I'm so grateful to Yezhong for being so patient with me and walking this road with me. Now in reflection, i realise that he had been preframing way before the course started. What touched me most was when Papa Bear came after the program to share with me just how many people have worked just to make things happen for me. I feel so blessed and am so thankful that people around me saw so much in me that they felt it was necessary for them to give me the confidence and belief in myself. The course was a hard journey that i didn't want to walk. For the longest of time, i refused to face up to reality. I wanted only for each day to pass as i saw no purpose. If and when i find out who were those that helped me walk this road, i want to say i am really grateful and thankful.
Met a couple of Superman's friends from philippines. They were all fun loving and it was really enjoyable being out with them. It is at times like this where i feel thankful and i believe everything in life happens for a reason. Superman said that when it comes to his friends, he spoke with his heart. And i do believe that. I believe that in friendship, it is the heart that talks the loudest. And a silent murmur from the heart speaks volumes. I am glad that through this, i have met grea people like Lester, Gary, Edwin, Joscelin, Ivan and many many more.
Tour guide was out with us for most of the nights. I finally found the courage to broach on a topic that was taboo up till now. I asked him if he would sleep with me. I know now that it the respect that he had for me and the value of our friendship that prevented him from doing so. I will respect the decision that he makes. However, it did not come out the way it was meant to. What i wanted to tell him was how much he meant and that i would like to be more special in his life. I wanted to tell him that although i want to sleep with him, it would not be at the expense of our friendship. Wanted to tell him that sleeping was secondary to what we had at the moment. But i guess it didn't come out right. As of this minute, i don't know how our friendship has changed, but i know that behind every behaviour is a positive intention. And should he think that it is better that we walk the path of life without each other's company, i will live with that. And yet i know that he is matured and sensitive enough to accept what i have shared and still carry on being friends.
Today, i received a big bouquet of flowers from a friend. It has been a long time since i last received flowers. As in one bouquet. Think the last time i did was when i was 18, or maybe 17. It brought a huge smile to my day and i made me know that things are all going to be alright. Thank you friend if you are reading this.
Life throws us many curves all the time. I know now that everything happens for a reason. It is how i feel that is more important. As of this moment, even as i type out and reflect on all the incidences that have happened from last week to this week, i know now that i am stronger then i once believed. And i thank each and everyone who has made me once again believe what i have wanted to believe for a long time and yet was scared. A load has been lifted and i am glad that i am beginning to see a glimpse of myself once again. As i walk down this new path, i am amazed at what i'm beginning to find and see. Just thinking about it makes me grin. And finally now, i know i will be fine. That i had it in me all this while.
Module 2 of POE was an experience in more ways then one. I would not say that it was a life transforming course for me as in all ways, i have not changed. It did however, alter some perspectives that i've been harbouring for a long time. For a long time, i wanted to know who i was. What was my purpose in life and what i was here to do. I wanted to find myself before taking another step forward. However, i realise now that life is a journey of self discovery. That i didn't need to know who i was. All i had to know was what i had and how best to use the resources i had in me. The timeline exercise shocked me. Shocked me coz i didn't know how much my mind was trying to hide. It kept such a tight grip as it was unwilling to let go. I said that physically i was ready to move on. Yet in fact, i was not ready emotionally. I was so frightened of the prospect of the future that i just wanted to sit on my ass and wait for things to happen so that i could react to it.
I'm so grateful to Yezhong for being so patient with me and walking this road with me. Now in reflection, i realise that he had been preframing way before the course started. What touched me most was when Papa Bear came after the program to share with me just how many people have worked just to make things happen for me. I feel so blessed and am so thankful that people around me saw so much in me that they felt it was necessary for them to give me the confidence and belief in myself. The course was a hard journey that i didn't want to walk. For the longest of time, i refused to face up to reality. I wanted only for each day to pass as i saw no purpose. If and when i find out who were those that helped me walk this road, i want to say i am really grateful and thankful.
Met a couple of Superman's friends from philippines. They were all fun loving and it was really enjoyable being out with them. It is at times like this where i feel thankful and i believe everything in life happens for a reason. Superman said that when it comes to his friends, he spoke with his heart. And i do believe that. I believe that in friendship, it is the heart that talks the loudest. And a silent murmur from the heart speaks volumes. I am glad that through this, i have met grea people like Lester, Gary, Edwin, Joscelin, Ivan and many many more.
Tour guide was out with us for most of the nights. I finally found the courage to broach on a topic that was taboo up till now. I asked him if he would sleep with me. I know now that it the respect that he had for me and the value of our friendship that prevented him from doing so. I will respect the decision that he makes. However, it did not come out the way it was meant to. What i wanted to tell him was how much he meant and that i would like to be more special in his life. I wanted to tell him that although i want to sleep with him, it would not be at the expense of our friendship. Wanted to tell him that sleeping was secondary to what we had at the moment. But i guess it didn't come out right. As of this minute, i don't know how our friendship has changed, but i know that behind every behaviour is a positive intention. And should he think that it is better that we walk the path of life without each other's company, i will live with that. And yet i know that he is matured and sensitive enough to accept what i have shared and still carry on being friends.
Today, i received a big bouquet of flowers from a friend. It has been a long time since i last received flowers. As in one bouquet. Think the last time i did was when i was 18, or maybe 17. It brought a huge smile to my day and i made me know that things are all going to be alright. Thank you friend if you are reading this.
Life throws us many curves all the time. I know now that everything happens for a reason. It is how i feel that is more important. As of this moment, even as i type out and reflect on all the incidences that have happened from last week to this week, i know now that i am stronger then i once believed. And i thank each and everyone who has made me once again believe what i have wanted to believe for a long time and yet was scared. A load has been lifted and i am glad that i am beginning to see a glimpse of myself once again. As i walk down this new path, i am amazed at what i'm beginning to find and see. Just thinking about it makes me grin. And finally now, i know i will be fine. That i had it in me all this while.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
The list
Did i always know that there was no list? There was no way to get on the list? Have you ever been to a premium club where everyone is queuing and you jus sashayed your way to the front and you just walked in. Wondering why all these poor souls are standing out here, dressed to impress but made to wait like there was no tomorrow. You felt good! Felt privileged. Felt like you were a part of the elite. Ever went to a restuarant and you had your name on the list and you walked in to take your sit?
Well, therefore, in life, the same things are reflected. Somewhere out there, there must be a list and it was the to dye for list where you would not only like to be on it. But rather, you want to be on the top of the list. Its synonymous to wanting to be on the top of the list in sports or to be among the top in school. There is a list out there somewhere. Whether it has been explictly spelt out or there is a imaginary list floating around....
But today, i realised that not all things have list. Good that most things have list. So we know just where we stand in life. Or where we stand in anything. Let's say there are a group of friends. Not everyone are the best of friends. You have your inner circle friends, your outer circle friends, your acquaintances and people whom you would rather prefer not being friends with. But at the end of the day, lets say person A. You have decided whether A is somewhere down the list or somewhere up the list. There must be a list. Or so i thought. Today i learnt that there was no list. There was no where to climb, up or down. Coz it did not exist at all. There was no way to get to the top of the list at all. It was like wanting to go to the snow palace so badly only to one day realised that it didn't exist. Like wanting to meet santa clause, the tooth fairy, harry potter. Being extra good when i was a kid just so that i will get pushed up higher on the list to meet Santa Clause. Only to wake up one night and realised that it was daddy and mummy who were giving me the presents and Santa didn't exist.
So if you put things in this perspective, then i guess, its alright after all. I mean, after i survived after realising that Santa, the tooth fairy, snow white, cinderella all didn't exist. So can i go on now that i know this list was nonexistential? Yeah! I believe so. And as long as i believe that, anything is possible.
I lived by this quote for a long time in my life
It is better to have fought and have lost then not to have fought at all.
Today, i learnt that some battles are not worth fighting. Someone told me this, choose your battles wisely. And for that, i thank him.
Well, therefore, in life, the same things are reflected. Somewhere out there, there must be a list and it was the to dye for list where you would not only like to be on it. But rather, you want to be on the top of the list. Its synonymous to wanting to be on the top of the list in sports or to be among the top in school. There is a list out there somewhere. Whether it has been explictly spelt out or there is a imaginary list floating around....
But today, i realised that not all things have list. Good that most things have list. So we know just where we stand in life. Or where we stand in anything. Let's say there are a group of friends. Not everyone are the best of friends. You have your inner circle friends, your outer circle friends, your acquaintances and people whom you would rather prefer not being friends with. But at the end of the day, lets say person A. You have decided whether A is somewhere down the list or somewhere up the list. There must be a list. Or so i thought. Today i learnt that there was no list. There was no where to climb, up or down. Coz it did not exist at all. There was no way to get to the top of the list at all. It was like wanting to go to the snow palace so badly only to one day realised that it didn't exist. Like wanting to meet santa clause, the tooth fairy, harry potter. Being extra good when i was a kid just so that i will get pushed up higher on the list to meet Santa Clause. Only to wake up one night and realised that it was daddy and mummy who were giving me the presents and Santa didn't exist.
So if you put things in this perspective, then i guess, its alright after all. I mean, after i survived after realising that Santa, the tooth fairy, snow white, cinderella all didn't exist. So can i go on now that i know this list was nonexistential? Yeah! I believe so. And as long as i believe that, anything is possible.
I lived by this quote for a long time in my life
It is better to have fought and have lost then not to have fought at all.
Today, i learnt that some battles are not worth fighting. Someone told me this, choose your battles wisely. And for that, i thank him.
Monday, July 18, 2005
I'm Gifted!!!!!!!!
Personal Intelligence Profile for Silly Monkey
General IQ Score
Your General IQ Score of 132 shows how able your mind is in general. Anyone with a General IQ Score this high is considered to be gifted. This score is better than 98.36% of all persons taking this test. Virtually all occupations can be comprehended with a General IQ this high. You should be able to handle almost all academic challenges.
You scored higher than your General IQ Score in 10 individual ability categories. 2 of these better scores could be called statistically significant and may indicate special abilities, or that you were distracted on those parts of the IQ Test that counted more heavily in the other ability categories.
Arithmetic
Solving many of the IQ Test's problems required the ability to add, subtract, multiply, and divide numbers mentally. Many mental tasks require arithmetical operations even though numbers may not be involved, and thus number manipulation abilities can strongly indicate general intelligence.
Your Arithmetic IQ score of 137 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 99.32% of all persons taking this test.
Spatial Skill
Understanding what changes will occur when conditions vary is a deep and powerful ability of the mind. All invention and creativity of every sort is based upon this ability. Although test problems usually involve manipulation of objects in space, persons with a stronger ability to spatially manipulate can also be expected to use this ability to be able to better predict how social and psychological situations would change due to variation.
Your Spatial Skill IQ score of 139 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 99.53% of all persons taking this test.
Logical
This is the ability to determine if a set of rules has been correctly followed. This ability is most useful in combination with other mental skills listed above. Those with strong logical ability are quicker to see where a given set of conditions is going to lead, have a strong sense of justice, and better understand--from an intellectual analysis--the benefits of harmony.
Your Logical IQ score of 133 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 98.61% of all persons taking this test.
Spelling
The ability to spell can indicate general intelligence. Remembering a set sequence of letters indicates the mind's ability to retrieve remembered facts. Learning how to spell and use the words of a language is almost a complete IQ test in itself. Although poor spellers with high IQ scores can be found, it is rare, and in general--everything else being equal--the better spellers have higher IQ scores.
Your Spelling IQ score of 128 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 96.90% of all persons taking this test.
Short Term Memory
The ability to remember things for a short period of time allows the mind to check back and retrieve facts needed to complete a problem solving operation. This ability becomes more critical when problems have many aspects that need consideration and/or need to be solved mentally. This ability strongly determines how efficiently one handles the many aspects of normal life. If your short term memory ability is strong you are much less likely to seem inattentive or "slow to get it" to others.
Your Short Term Memory IQ score of 136 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 99.18% of all persons taking this test.
Rote Utilization
This is the ability to take a set of memorized facts and mentally extract and/or operate with or upon the facts within the set that are pertinent to the problem at hand. Persons with more of this ability can be expected to spell well, remember telephone and other numbers easily, be more adroit in procedural operations, and have a stronger foundation for tasks that require the use of memorized material.
Your Rote Utilization IQ score of 136 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 99.18% of all persons taking this test.
Algebraic
This is the ability of the mind to abstractly handle quantities and qualities. Persons who are strong in this ability can more quickly and more deeply understand analogies, stories, derivations, equalities, and hierarchical structures.
Your Algebraic IQ score of 130 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 97.72% of all persons taking this test.
General Knowledge
Knowledge that is casually picked up and remembered can indicate intelligence, because persons with higher intelligence will exhibit greater retention of those pieces of information that are encountered less often. Because higher intelligence allows a person to have a deeper appreciation of the connectivity of facts that may seem disparate to others of lesser intelligence, memory of such facts becomes easier.
Your General Knowledge IQ score of 135 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 99.02% of all persons taking this test.
Visual Apprehension
This is the ability of the mind to mentally picture visual information and to be able to extract portions of that information for separate use. A person whose visual apprehension is strong enjoys a richer, more creative appreciation of visual aspects of experiences.
Your Visual Apprehension IQ score of 138 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 99.44% of all persons taking this test.
Geometric
How well one can comprehend geometric relationships of lines, sides, planes, angles, and topological properties strongly determines one's ability to make sense of visual information. The strength of one's geometric ability can strongly determine how quickly knowledge can be absorbed if it is presented visually.
Your Geometric IQ score of 148 is exceptionally higher than your General IQ score.This score is better than 99.93% of all persons taking this test.
Vocabulary
Knowing the meaning of words is an ability that directly increases along with the increase of general intelligence. The meaning of a word is more easily remembered with higher intelligence, because it takes more intelligence to understand and correctly use words based upon the subtle differences between words with similar meanings and to comprehend difficult concepts which are sometimes symbolized by a single word.
Your Vocabulary IQ score of 138 is not significantly different from your General IQ score.This score is better than 99.44% of all persons taking this test.
Intuition
Intuition is defined as that ability of the mind to develop answers to questions without consciously dealing with the problem at hand. Often a question will provoke your mind to answer without using conscious processing time, and the answer is said to come "out of the blue" or "suddenly, it just struck me". Of all the many abilities of the mind, this is one of the most often used. Just knowing what to do is often an automatic process that occurs without much conscious figuring. Those with stronger intuition make less mistakes and can seem luckier, wiser, or more mature.
Your Intuition IQ score of 141 is exceptionally higher than your General IQ score.This score is better than 99.69% of all persons taking this test.
Computational Speed
If you can correctly solve a variety of problems faster than another person, you may be demonstrating a generally more orderly internal arrangement of your mind's problem solving methods. While speed cannot be the sole factor in determining overall superiority in one mental operations, in general faster computational speed will often indicate that a problem's comprehension was more complete. With everything else being equal, a person with faster computational speed than another person's will be better at tasks that require the synthesis of many bits of information.
Your Computational Speed IQ score of 82 is significantly lower than your General IQ score.This score is better than 11.51% of all persons taking this test.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
A child's perspective
Have been doing a little reading. Am currently reading this book "The curious incident of the Dog in the night-time". (Mark Haddon) Interesting read really. I mean, i think the child in the book, christopher is rather a genius. Like in the comic Calvin and Hobbes. I'm really enjoying the book. Not to mention the fact that i refuse to swop books to read Harry Potter's book first. Grinz.
Anyway, it is through this simple book that i realise that life ain't so tough after all. Somehow along the way, we grew up and left our simple logics in life behind. For me, i guess i would like to say i retained a little of that still. But it is gradually being chipped away by experiences in life. I mean, there are times when i believe i am still an absolute child at heart. Kinda hard to compromise the two. But it is done.
Been a little gloomy lately even with my new gadgets. Superman has broken his promise twice this week already. I guess he really has been busy. But then again, he has never done the same shit twice in a row before. I'm currently not talking to him, but i guess if he calls, i'll still pick up. Childish? I guess so. Just irritated with him. But then again, we did go out last wed only. There has been something on my mind since friday nite. Something that should not be bugging me that much.. but it is. It was a big deal on Friday night when it happened, it was something i wanted to share with Tour Guide. But after our little exchange of words/sms this afternoon, it suddenly seems like a silly thing to want to share it with them.
I guess if i think about it, i should have told Tour Guide why i wanted to see him. That i wanted to talk and also wanted his opinion on some things. But i guess there's always this really proud side of me that feels like sometimes, he has to read between the lines. And if he doesn't, then that's his problem. Just like when he offered to buy me the adidas sweater? To me, when i want to buy something for someone, i will just go ahead and buy it. I won;t ask the person for permission. But then again, it is my model of the world and it is not fair to impose that onto others. But i guess like i mentioned once before, it's his loss, not mine. Coz i know just how much i can give to the man of my dreams/life. But wed nite supper gave me a good reason to believe that Tour guide will never settle for one woman in his life. And i will never be that one woman. If it was meant to happen, it would have happened a long time ago. Right? And i am not willing to be his numerous woman. Guess we'll still be friends.. i think. At least i will still work on his birthday for him. Invited Superman and wife, Bambi and him. Should be a surprise. Not gg to put too much effort after that. Too many projects that need my attention.
Anyway, back to things about a child's perspective? Sometimes i wonder whether i too never grew up. I see things in a straight line fashion. A simple black and white and best if life came with a book explaining why somethings are so and somethings are not. But till then, i will be contented to throw my silly tantrums in a while, shut myself up when i feel like it and also, be a simple and loving friend to those that want my friendship. (Hmm, Sounds like i have some behavioural problems as well. Then again, Christopher made a really valid point. All of us are special needs coz we all have special needs)
Next time then...cheerios
Anyway, it is through this simple book that i realise that life ain't so tough after all. Somehow along the way, we grew up and left our simple logics in life behind. For me, i guess i would like to say i retained a little of that still. But it is gradually being chipped away by experiences in life. I mean, there are times when i believe i am still an absolute child at heart. Kinda hard to compromise the two. But it is done.
Been a little gloomy lately even with my new gadgets. Superman has broken his promise twice this week already. I guess he really has been busy. But then again, he has never done the same shit twice in a row before. I'm currently not talking to him, but i guess if he calls, i'll still pick up. Childish? I guess so. Just irritated with him. But then again, we did go out last wed only. There has been something on my mind since friday nite. Something that should not be bugging me that much.. but it is. It was a big deal on Friday night when it happened, it was something i wanted to share with Tour Guide. But after our little exchange of words/sms this afternoon, it suddenly seems like a silly thing to want to share it with them.
I guess if i think about it, i should have told Tour Guide why i wanted to see him. That i wanted to talk and also wanted his opinion on some things. But i guess there's always this really proud side of me that feels like sometimes, he has to read between the lines. And if he doesn't, then that's his problem. Just like when he offered to buy me the adidas sweater? To me, when i want to buy something for someone, i will just go ahead and buy it. I won;t ask the person for permission. But then again, it is my model of the world and it is not fair to impose that onto others. But i guess like i mentioned once before, it's his loss, not mine. Coz i know just how much i can give to the man of my dreams/life. But wed nite supper gave me a good reason to believe that Tour guide will never settle for one woman in his life. And i will never be that one woman. If it was meant to happen, it would have happened a long time ago. Right? And i am not willing to be his numerous woman. Guess we'll still be friends.. i think. At least i will still work on his birthday for him. Invited Superman and wife, Bambi and him. Should be a surprise. Not gg to put too much effort after that. Too many projects that need my attention.
Anyway, back to things about a child's perspective? Sometimes i wonder whether i too never grew up. I see things in a straight line fashion. A simple black and white and best if life came with a book explaining why somethings are so and somethings are not. But till then, i will be contented to throw my silly tantrums in a while, shut myself up when i feel like it and also, be a simple and loving friend to those that want my friendship. (Hmm, Sounds like i have some behavioural problems as well. Then again, Christopher made a really valid point. All of us are special needs coz we all have special needs)
Next time then...cheerios
Friday, July 15, 2005
We're taking off in 5...4...3...2....
Another hectic week seems to have concluded. A mystery man seems to have fallen out of the space of time and returned to the dying episodes of the show to bring life into it. However, this time round, the show must come to an end. The audience is getting bored by the repeated dramas. An interesting night awaited all who were present. A smell of jealousy filled the air while the mysterious tunes play in the background. A little while later, the tune changes and the air is filled with undercurrents. No one can be sure what is going on. But then again, no one knows any better. It is a funny scene. Woman and man are bickering. Woman is confident, man is arrogant. The stakes are high. It looks like a game that i would not mind playing in. However, a game that has no fixed conclusion is seldom a game that is interesting to start with. Where and when is the start or end point in the game. How would i know? I am merely there as an observer. But it is with glee that i watched the proceedings and am throughly amused by the man and woman. Are they really oblivious to the stares, the smirks and the grins that people around them are showing? Or are they merely so settled in their own world that they cannot tell. Or do they simply not care.
The wonderful night concluded when that interesting group left. A variety of people in the group. A vast of age gaps. As i looked at the group, i realised how life with its interesting twists and turns and how fate plays on everyone of us. 5 people, with no connection whatsoever, could have spent the night out together. As i look around at the vast sea of faces that surround me, i wonder how many faces share a similar tale? How with a simple twist of fate, 5 people you meet will end up being friends and in some cases, more then friends. Was that what the book was writing about in the 5 people you meet in heaven? Interesting.
An engine starts and the car is getting warmed up. The lovely sounds are back once again and a spirit that can only grow stronger begins to show in the car. It is amazing now. The confidence, the arrogance, but yet this time, a slight feeling of fear that cannot be brushed away. I look back and wonder, just what is this all about. And i realized. That in my own way, i have evolved.
The wonderful night concluded when that interesting group left. A variety of people in the group. A vast of age gaps. As i looked at the group, i realised how life with its interesting twists and turns and how fate plays on everyone of us. 5 people, with no connection whatsoever, could have spent the night out together. As i look around at the vast sea of faces that surround me, i wonder how many faces share a similar tale? How with a simple twist of fate, 5 people you meet will end up being friends and in some cases, more then friends. Was that what the book was writing about in the 5 people you meet in heaven? Interesting.
An engine starts and the car is getting warmed up. The lovely sounds are back once again and a spirit that can only grow stronger begins to show in the car. It is amazing now. The confidence, the arrogance, but yet this time, a slight feeling of fear that cannot be brushed away. I look back and wonder, just what is this all about. And i realized. That in my own way, i have evolved.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
A question of worth
Something quite interesting happened yesterday. A friend that i've known for like forever flew back to Singapore. We had grown up together and he was suddenly back in town without even an email. He called to say he wanted to meet up and asked me out for coffee. We met yesterday. The reason why he was back? Was to hear a claim for a trust fund that was set up for him. He asked if i was willing to marry him. Interesting isn't it? I thought these sort of things only happened in movies. We were young and carefree then when we made a pact that we would get married to each other if we weren't married by the time one of us wanted to settle down and we would discuss about marrying each other. Over the years, i've made this same pact with 2 buddies of mine. But all these was in fear that i might not get married by the time i wanted to settle down, which was like about 30 or 35. Buddy A and i made the agreement to marry when i am 30 and buddy B at 35. So typical of me to preplan every aspect in my life at a tender age.
Of course i forgot about the agreement that i made with Mr X a long time ago. He's now finished med school as is a doctor in New Zealand. Over the years, we've been in contact, first through snail mail, then through email as we grew older. Through all our letters and mail, we never talked about romance or even about us getting together. This came as a super surprise. But then again, i guess deep down in my heart, i knew at some point he was in love with me. But yet again, at that time, i wasn't really interested in men at all. All i wanted was the finer things in life like personal achievement. When he finally flew off, i missed him, but i was still with Guardian then. I knew he was upset. But he never confronted me. He just wished me happiness. I believe the last time i saw him prior to yesterday was when i saw him off when he flew off to New Zealand to study.
All my life i believed in the fairy tale dream. A man that i truly love with all my heart, proposing to me to marry him. Someone who is also a romantic at heart, with flowers, a teddy bear and a ring. At a place that i love. He proposes.. None of that happened last night at all. It was just like any business transaction that i've heard of. What do you think? Think about it and get back to me. Sometimes i really don't know what i want. Do i want to be with this guy because of his money? Do i want to be with him coz i'm so afraid that i'll end up being alone? I've long ago championed the cause of being independent. And in my search for independence, i've also been afraid that i would be lonely when i grow old with no one to love me and cherish me. And therein lies my dilemma.
Superman said to marry him. I guess its true after all. Not many people get a chance to be a millionaire. And yet, if i turn to my heart, it is equally confused. It's not like i detest the guy. Its just that i don't love him. Can love be nurtured slowly? If yes, how come some love don't work out. If no, then isn't it pointless to marry him in the first place? Do i place a worth on myself and go ahead and marry a man that i have not seen for the last 7 years, or do i believe i'm still young and can still wait.... I know he will not wait for me. Coz it is after all a business transaction. One day when i look back at today, will i regret the decision that i made? Will i regret not choosing when i had the choice? Or will i merely meet up with him one day and laugh about the fact that we even considered it in the first place... I really don't know. I guess only time will tell.
Of course i forgot about the agreement that i made with Mr X a long time ago. He's now finished med school as is a doctor in New Zealand. Over the years, we've been in contact, first through snail mail, then through email as we grew older. Through all our letters and mail, we never talked about romance or even about us getting together. This came as a super surprise. But then again, i guess deep down in my heart, i knew at some point he was in love with me. But yet again, at that time, i wasn't really interested in men at all. All i wanted was the finer things in life like personal achievement. When he finally flew off, i missed him, but i was still with Guardian then. I knew he was upset. But he never confronted me. He just wished me happiness. I believe the last time i saw him prior to yesterday was when i saw him off when he flew off to New Zealand to study.
All my life i believed in the fairy tale dream. A man that i truly love with all my heart, proposing to me to marry him. Someone who is also a romantic at heart, with flowers, a teddy bear and a ring. At a place that i love. He proposes.. None of that happened last night at all. It was just like any business transaction that i've heard of. What do you think? Think about it and get back to me. Sometimes i really don't know what i want. Do i want to be with this guy because of his money? Do i want to be with him coz i'm so afraid that i'll end up being alone? I've long ago championed the cause of being independent. And in my search for independence, i've also been afraid that i would be lonely when i grow old with no one to love me and cherish me. And therein lies my dilemma.
Superman said to marry him. I guess its true after all. Not many people get a chance to be a millionaire. And yet, if i turn to my heart, it is equally confused. It's not like i detest the guy. Its just that i don't love him. Can love be nurtured slowly? If yes, how come some love don't work out. If no, then isn't it pointless to marry him in the first place? Do i place a worth on myself and go ahead and marry a man that i have not seen for the last 7 years, or do i believe i'm still young and can still wait.... I know he will not wait for me. Coz it is after all a business transaction. One day when i look back at today, will i regret the decision that i made? Will i regret not choosing when i had the choice? Or will i merely meet up with him one day and laugh about the fact that we even considered it in the first place... I really don't know. I guess only time will tell.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Simple life
Life is so interesting.. One day you think you are fine, and the next, who knows?
Superman's bday came and passed. Seems insignificant now. But it was something that i looked forward to. Dinner with some close friends. It was pleasant as all dinners are. But i guess i was just tired. Or maybe the dinner was all i expected it to be. Food was excellent, dinner talk was peppered with loads of jokes, talk turned to the life of the rich and famous, and once again, all i did was sit and smile and not contribute. So, what is it about this picture that wasn't so picture perfect? Well, i really am not sure. I guess sometimes i ask myself exactly what or who my friends are. I mean, sometimes, i feel that the conversation is really shallow and maybe i'm not a big group person coz i hate being in a situation where i have to act like i'm enjoying the conversation and things gg on ard me. Sole consolation of the night was, tour guide sat next to me, due to some adjustments done by the waitress, and i guess his words when we were walking to Siam. "Let's make an agreement. Expensive stuff i pay, cheap stuff you pay."
My normal reaction would be to say, why you think i cannot afford it issit? But i agreed. Funny how being with a person that you like makes you do weird stuff? But i guess there is a logical explaination to that. When i figure it out, i'll post it. Anyway, he flew off to Bangkok and came back last night.
Superman and i haven't been talking for a while now. I can't tell if it's coz he is getting married soon or its because he has been having so many family problems. But i know i wasn't disappointed when he didn't call today once again although he promised to call last night. There is a part of me that wants to throw a tantrum, but i guess the rational part of me feels that its not fair. Yet, i miss the times when he's around a lot and shares and entertains me. Tour guide doesn't fill that part although a huge part of my liking has gone on to him. But, some how, i feel that its always by his terms and his rules that the game is being played. But i hate this game. Why can't it be a game where the rules are stated and laid out. Or maybe they are and i never got to the rules part. I'm tired of him. Tired of the lack of verbal answers that i'm getting out of him. Is it too much to ask if he just told me if there was a chance? And even if there was a chance, how long do i have to wait. Or rather, how long am i willing to wait? If patience was a test, i would fail that test miserably. I know that. But, i just want an answer. I guess like Superman, if he just gave me an answer, i can move on.
People say choices have consequences. And i guess for me, i don;t want to make the choice of walking and realising that it was all possible. Yet, i don;t want to sit around and wait any longer. I always tot i wanted a simple life. A life with the man i love, who loved me back, two kids, living happily ever after. Sounds weird eh? I mean, me.. of all people. I want to believe i'm going through a period of change in my life. And i want to start making those changes. For a long time, i chose to live a life of inaction. Now i'm tired. Tired of all the dreams that i have, tired of wanting a man who cannot give me an answer, tired of friends who fail time and again, tired of working crazy hours for a boss that will only ask for more. I want to chart my own path, my own destiny. Not one that 10 million other people have walked down. And for that to happen, i must plan. For now, i need sleep to walk a longer distance.
Superman's bday came and passed. Seems insignificant now. But it was something that i looked forward to. Dinner with some close friends. It was pleasant as all dinners are. But i guess i was just tired. Or maybe the dinner was all i expected it to be. Food was excellent, dinner talk was peppered with loads of jokes, talk turned to the life of the rich and famous, and once again, all i did was sit and smile and not contribute. So, what is it about this picture that wasn't so picture perfect? Well, i really am not sure. I guess sometimes i ask myself exactly what or who my friends are. I mean, sometimes, i feel that the conversation is really shallow and maybe i'm not a big group person coz i hate being in a situation where i have to act like i'm enjoying the conversation and things gg on ard me. Sole consolation of the night was, tour guide sat next to me, due to some adjustments done by the waitress, and i guess his words when we were walking to Siam. "Let's make an agreement. Expensive stuff i pay, cheap stuff you pay."
My normal reaction would be to say, why you think i cannot afford it issit? But i agreed. Funny how being with a person that you like makes you do weird stuff? But i guess there is a logical explaination to that. When i figure it out, i'll post it. Anyway, he flew off to Bangkok and came back last night.
Superman and i haven't been talking for a while now. I can't tell if it's coz he is getting married soon or its because he has been having so many family problems. But i know i wasn't disappointed when he didn't call today once again although he promised to call last night. There is a part of me that wants to throw a tantrum, but i guess the rational part of me feels that its not fair. Yet, i miss the times when he's around a lot and shares and entertains me. Tour guide doesn't fill that part although a huge part of my liking has gone on to him. But, some how, i feel that its always by his terms and his rules that the game is being played. But i hate this game. Why can't it be a game where the rules are stated and laid out. Or maybe they are and i never got to the rules part. I'm tired of him. Tired of the lack of verbal answers that i'm getting out of him. Is it too much to ask if he just told me if there was a chance? And even if there was a chance, how long do i have to wait. Or rather, how long am i willing to wait? If patience was a test, i would fail that test miserably. I know that. But, i just want an answer. I guess like Superman, if he just gave me an answer, i can move on.
People say choices have consequences. And i guess for me, i don;t want to make the choice of walking and realising that it was all possible. Yet, i don;t want to sit around and wait any longer. I always tot i wanted a simple life. A life with the man i love, who loved me back, two kids, living happily ever after. Sounds weird eh? I mean, me.. of all people. I want to believe i'm going through a period of change in my life. And i want to start making those changes. For a long time, i chose to live a life of inaction. Now i'm tired. Tired of all the dreams that i have, tired of wanting a man who cannot give me an answer, tired of friends who fail time and again, tired of working crazy hours for a boss that will only ask for more. I want to chart my own path, my own destiny. Not one that 10 million other people have walked down. And for that to happen, i must plan. For now, i need sleep to walk a longer distance.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Fear
Fear of fear itself. Meta States. Interesting ideas. Terrible truth. Fall down. Stand up. Confusion state. Moving ahead. Pain arises. Move on. More pain. Stop moving. Confused state. Hesitation sets. Move forward. Too scared. Want success. Fear failure. Need help. Too worried. Time passes. Comfort zone. Life stops.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Fatigue
It has set in.. Fatigue is getting to me. Fell asleep in the Patterns of Excellence course today. Yawn. It could be the speaker, it could be just that i was too tired. *Yawn. Makes me wonder why i am sitting here typing on my laptop when i could be heading home sleeping. But i guess i just wanted to write down my thoughts on things today.
Someone came up to tell me sometimes, you just have to make a choice and go do it. Whatever the outcome, its the journey that matters. Something like a means to an end rather then an ends to a means. Simply put, is it like hoping onto a train and then enjoying the sights and sounds on the train. Only to reach Tampines when you realize that it was the Jurong train that you wanted to board in the first place? How then can you fully utilize your supposed problem? Easy! If you had spent the time on the train meaningfully, then you might have felt that the journey was worthwhile. A certain amount of time was wasted, but then again, you did gain something out of it. Can life then be reflected in a similar fashion? But my question would be, could you have boarded the train for Jurong and yet had a similar experience?
Now life is rather peculiar. It throws you curves when you least expect it. I've never had a problem with camps before. In fact, i love camps. I love going to meet new people, the challenge of the whole camp, plus the activities that are going on in the camp. Tonight something changed. A concept called selling out was introduced. I was said to be selling out because i had not participated in an activity that i did not believe in. If i had committed 100% to the camp, does it mean that i did not do my 100% when i did not participate in the camp? Do i necessarily have to conform to everything that people tell me? Do i have to experience it for myself to know what it was? Could i not derive the feeling of the experience from someone else? Tell me.. What exactly is NLP?
If the core theme for NLP is modelling? Does it mean you have to go through the exact same set of activities to perform? Or does it merely mean that you can actually capture the essence of the activity and the feelings aroused by merely modelling a person. So why is there such a huge difference? I'm not sure. Maybe the whole aim is to find out about it.
Well, sell out? Would it matter for anything if i sold out to the team if i could not for one second look into the mirror and tell my image that i did not sell out to myself? And if i look into the mirror and tell myself that i did not sell out, does it make it alright to do just so? I am a firm believer that i should never do anything that would make me feel uncomfortable. There is a always a time and place for everything. And not everytime, does something happen and it is the exact right time. Sometimes, people take time to reach a conclusion. It doesn't mean that they are procrastinating does it? Take for instance someone that you would treat for a mental disorder. Should the person not be ready and you jump into it, would the effect be positive or negative? Must not a person make a concious choice as to push forward or stay stagnant? Also, must a person not come to change himself before change will be inherent or here to stay?
Life is constantly changing... Why should i change? Why must i change and how should i change should be left entirely up to me. Let me be the judge as to when i am ready. Fatigue is setting in. I am getting turned off by the whole prospect of this camp. Maybe my question should be why i decided to come for the camp in the first place? Was it to learn more about the company and its policies? WHat we teach people? Or was it for selfish reasons that i came? Like the course of villa wellness, to find an answer that until i was willing to find it out would do me no use? Life is indeed weird. And because of that, i would have to go on searching. I am sure, some day, some how, it will strike me. I am after all, a person who has learnt a long time ago, that everyday, it is merely mind over matter. Nothing too great or too small... With that, its sweet dreams..
Someone came up to tell me sometimes, you just have to make a choice and go do it. Whatever the outcome, its the journey that matters. Something like a means to an end rather then an ends to a means. Simply put, is it like hoping onto a train and then enjoying the sights and sounds on the train. Only to reach Tampines when you realize that it was the Jurong train that you wanted to board in the first place? How then can you fully utilize your supposed problem? Easy! If you had spent the time on the train meaningfully, then you might have felt that the journey was worthwhile. A certain amount of time was wasted, but then again, you did gain something out of it. Can life then be reflected in a similar fashion? But my question would be, could you have boarded the train for Jurong and yet had a similar experience?
Now life is rather peculiar. It throws you curves when you least expect it. I've never had a problem with camps before. In fact, i love camps. I love going to meet new people, the challenge of the whole camp, plus the activities that are going on in the camp. Tonight something changed. A concept called selling out was introduced. I was said to be selling out because i had not participated in an activity that i did not believe in. If i had committed 100% to the camp, does it mean that i did not do my 100% when i did not participate in the camp? Do i necessarily have to conform to everything that people tell me? Do i have to experience it for myself to know what it was? Could i not derive the feeling of the experience from someone else? Tell me.. What exactly is NLP?
If the core theme for NLP is modelling? Does it mean you have to go through the exact same set of activities to perform? Or does it merely mean that you can actually capture the essence of the activity and the feelings aroused by merely modelling a person. So why is there such a huge difference? I'm not sure. Maybe the whole aim is to find out about it.
Well, sell out? Would it matter for anything if i sold out to the team if i could not for one second look into the mirror and tell my image that i did not sell out to myself? And if i look into the mirror and tell myself that i did not sell out, does it make it alright to do just so? I am a firm believer that i should never do anything that would make me feel uncomfortable. There is a always a time and place for everything. And not everytime, does something happen and it is the exact right time. Sometimes, people take time to reach a conclusion. It doesn't mean that they are procrastinating does it? Take for instance someone that you would treat for a mental disorder. Should the person not be ready and you jump into it, would the effect be positive or negative? Must not a person make a concious choice as to push forward or stay stagnant? Also, must a person not come to change himself before change will be inherent or here to stay?
Life is constantly changing... Why should i change? Why must i change and how should i change should be left entirely up to me. Let me be the judge as to when i am ready. Fatigue is setting in. I am getting turned off by the whole prospect of this camp. Maybe my question should be why i decided to come for the camp in the first place? Was it to learn more about the company and its policies? WHat we teach people? Or was it for selfish reasons that i came? Like the course of villa wellness, to find an answer that until i was willing to find it out would do me no use? Life is indeed weird. And because of that, i would have to go on searching. I am sure, some day, some how, it will strike me. I am after all, a person who has learnt a long time ago, that everyday, it is merely mind over matter. Nothing too great or too small... With that, its sweet dreams..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)